Right, I wanna say thank you for writing and keeping this site flowing with new stories, I also hope that you take this constructive criticism well, as I'm simply offering my honest opinion, so I'll list some points and hope it encourages your writing, and hopefully doesn't deter you from updating in the future.
Here we go...
1. Your characters are not particularly likeable, or visually complete, there is not much in the way of physical description, or background story. Sally's personality is wishy washy, insecure and frustrating, she comes across slightly unhinged, which would be good if we knew why, but she's not easy to be sympathetic to. Storm tries to hard, and it doesn't make sense, one minute hes overly dominant, the next he's begging her and apologising.
2. If this is a story about Storm anSally, you may want to work in more storm and sally, there were a lot of plot jumps, and time jumps and arcs that never went to anywhere, the "stalker cop" I'm not entirely sure what happened there. Also there's not much sexual chemistry between them, their first time together almost felt "rapey" it all happened very fast.
3. A suggestion to help with the transition, may be to work in flashbacks, you can give insight into the past while not loosing the flow of the current plot, also the "Rhonda " character is confusing, what is the point of her?
Anyway, I'm all done, hopefully this helps, I hope you keep writing and I hope this helps, I would love to enjoy this and see how it ends.
Good luck! Happy Writing!
XoxoReviewer: EvaNatasha92 Signed [Report This]
Date: January 21 2016 07:35 pm
Sally don't let one person's experience define yours!
I believe Storm has proven his love for you.Reviewer: Rena Anonymous [Report This]
Date: January 20 2016 01:02 pm
I'm glad Storm invited Sally to New York. She needed a break. I can understand Sally's need to be independent, but I think by her refusing everything is making Storm want to by things and take care of her more. I think he finds Sally refreshing and not like who he normally attracts, women who see him as an ATM as he described in a previous chapter. Storm is already near being in love with Sally.
As for the haters at the table she and Storm are sitting, were ignored and should have been. Jessica obviously got beat up by one of the lawyers or whoever and is warning Sally I guess. But it was done when Jessica said that Sally thinks she's special because Storm dotes over her. Really? She sounded so pathetic. Sally doesn't need Storm to feel special. She already is without him.Reviewer: oHH Anonymous [Report This]
Date: January 19 2016 10:14 pm
Great update!! While what Jessica said is true in a lot of cases with the women at these finctions that are bought and paid for (apart of the deal) it's not always that way. Jessica along with the others are jaded and used up. If that's as good as it gets for them so be it. Sally is in school, is going to have a career, and a trust fund. She does not need Storm. He has a lot but Sally is not the type of woman these women seem to be. Golddiggers and used up flesh and has the nerve to spew bitter venom at Sally. Sally is not a part of that club and I am sure if Storm was that guy and ever stupid enough to treat her as such, he'd live to regret it. More please......Reviewer: Anonymous Anonymous [Report This]
Date: January 19 2016 09:39 pm
Sally is going to be stuoid agsin isn't she? Storm has never disrespected you or laid a hand on You Sally. Jessica or Kristy is just jealous because in Storm you have the real deal. Storm is gentlemen, and he treats like the lady you are. I am annoyed by the fact that Sally is sexing it up with Storm but still doesn't trust him.Reviewer: Pmgayles Anonymous [Report This]
Date: January 19 2016 12:13 pm