I understand you want to keep us in the dark for twists and turns. I don't have a problem with that. I like a good mystery.
Your writing is good, but the or your tone/mood is not smooth, I mean your phrases, comments, and reactions sometimes sound forced. And for readers, you could put thoughts in italics or in apostrophes or single quotes like some writers.Reviewer: swirly_girl Signed [Report This]
Date: August 04 2016 02:55 am
Storm makes me sick. If it were any other man I would say yes he has a very good point. Some man spedning the night with his girlfriend that he does not know. But, as Storm said he slept with several women when Sally was pissed at him. Now he looses his shit because Mitch spends the night? Sally is right he probably cannot spend the night with a woman without having sex with her and automatically assumes Sally could not do the same.Reviewer: Anonymous Anonymous [Report This]
Date: April 26 2016 05:26 pm
Sally makes my teeth itch!! I am tired of wishy wash tail, why get into a relationship wtih Storm if she doesn't plan on staying in it. I understand that she has had a hard life but Storm didn't do any of those bad things to her.Reviewer: pmgayles Anonymous [Report This]
Date: April 26 2016 02:47 am
LOVE, LOVE, LOVE, LOVEReviewer: Anonymous Anonymous [Report This]
Date: April 25 2016 05:24 pm
Waiting on an update!!!!Reviewer: Casey Anonymous [Report This]
Date: February 12 2016 11:05 pm
I turely like your story. I have not read the original. However, this version is a little too overlong with too many unnecessary chapters, many of which could be condensed and still give the background information you are aming for.
We are up to 24 chapters with about five plots with no incling where any of them are going. The odssessive cop has been completely forgotten and its too much about bitchy, conniving women. Let's get back to the suspense and at least solve one plot bunny.
As I said at the beginning I love this story. I just want it to get better and to move a little better. You have everything set up but need closer on some points. It just seems the story is dragging.
Please take what I said with love. I reread what I just wrote and it does sound overly critical but its not meant to be. I am the not a writer and am not very good at being discrete with words. Be assured I love you and your story.Reviewer: Marilyn Anonymous [Report This]
Date: February 10 2016 11:13 am
Sally is a piece of work.Reviewer: Anonymous Anonymous [Report This]
Date: January 23 2016 03:30 pm
What time jumps? I don't recall reading any time jumps, hell I don't remember there being any flashbacks. This is your story so tell it how you want!!Reviewer: Pmgayles Anonymous [Report This]
Date: January 23 2016 02:22 pm
Sally works my last nerve, Storm has never treated her like a possession although he is possessive. i don't recall him even raising his voice at her in anger. Sally does frustrate him, she is always finding excuses to push him away. Sally, for somone so smart you are dumb as hell!! To beleive Jessica who was jealous over what you know to he true of Storm is stupid!! Sally doesn't deserve Storm's love she is an emotionally scarred child in a grown woman's body. Team Storm!! Can't stand Sally!!Reviewer: Pmgayles Anonymous [Report This]
Date: January 23 2016 02:15 pm
Right, I wanna say thank you for writing and keeping this site flowing with new stories, I also hope that you take this constructive criticism well, as I'm simply offering my honest opinion, so I'll list some points and hope it encourages your writing, and hopefully doesn't deter you from updating in the future.
Here we go...
1. Your characters are not particularly likeable, or visually complete, there is not much in the way of physical description, or background story. Sally's personality is wishy washy, insecure and frustrating, she comes across slightly unhinged, which would be good if we knew why, but she's not easy to be sympathetic to. Storm tries to hard, and it doesn't make sense, one minute hes overly dominant, the next he's begging her and apologising.
2. If this is a story about Storm anSally, you may want to work in more storm and sally, there were a lot of plot jumps, and time jumps and arcs that never went to anywhere, the "stalker cop" I'm not entirely sure what happened there. Also there's not much sexual chemistry between them, their first time together almost felt "rapey" it all happened very fast.
3. A suggestion to help with the transition, may be to work in flashbacks, you can give insight into the past while not loosing the flow of the current plot, also the "Rhonda " character is confusing, what is the point of her?
Anyway, I'm all done, hopefully this helps, I hope you keep writing and I hope this helps, I would love to enjoy this and see how it ends.
Good luck! Happy Writing!
XoxoReviewer: EvaNatasha92 Signed [Report This]
Date: January 21 2016 07:35 pm
Sally don't let one person's experience define yours!
I believe Storm has proven his love for you.Reviewer: Rena Anonymous [Report This]
Date: January 20 2016 01:02 pm
I'm glad Storm invited Sally to New York. She needed a break. I can understand Sally's need to be independent, but I think by her refusing everything is making Storm want to by things and take care of her more. I think he finds Sally refreshing and not like who he normally attracts, women who see him as an ATM as he described in a previous chapter. Storm is already near being in love with Sally.
As for the haters at the table she and Storm are sitting, were ignored and should have been. Jessica obviously got beat up by one of the lawyers or whoever and is warning Sally I guess. But it was done when Jessica said that Sally thinks she's special because Storm dotes over her. Really? She sounded so pathetic. Sally doesn't need Storm to feel special. She already is without him.Reviewer: oHH Anonymous [Report This]
Date: January 19 2016 10:14 pm
Great update!! While what Jessica said is true in a lot of cases with the women at these finctions that are bought and paid for (apart of the deal) it's not always that way. Jessica along with the others are jaded and used up. If that's as good as it gets for them so be it. Sally is in school, is going to have a career, and a trust fund. She does not need Storm. He has a lot but Sally is not the type of woman these women seem to be. Golddiggers and used up flesh and has the nerve to spew bitter venom at Sally. Sally is not a part of that club and I am sure if Storm was that guy and ever stupid enough to treat her as such, he'd live to regret it. More please......Reviewer: Anonymous Anonymous [Report This]
Date: January 19 2016 09:39 pm
Sally is going to be stuoid agsin isn't she? Storm has never disrespected you or laid a hand on You Sally. Jessica or Kristy is just jealous because in Storm you have the real deal. Storm is gentlemen, and he treats like the lady you are. I am annoyed by the fact that Sally is sexing it up with Storm but still doesn't trust him.Reviewer: Pmgayles Anonymous [Report This]
Date: January 19 2016 12:13 pm