Right, I wanna say thank you for writing and keeping this site flowing with new stories, I also hope that you take this constructive criticism well, as I'm simply offering my honest opinion, so I'll list some points and hope it encourages your writing, and hopefully doesn't deter you from updating in the future.
Here we go...
1. Your characters are not particularly likeable, or visually complete, there is not much in the way of physical description, or background story. Sally's personality is wishy washy, insecure and frustrating, she comes across slightly unhinged, which would be good if we knew why, but she's not easy to be sympathetic to. Storm tries to hard, and it doesn't make sense, one minute hes overly dominant, the next he's begging her and apologising.
2. If this is a story about Storm anSally, you may want to work in more storm and sally, there were a lot of plot jumps, and time jumps and arcs that never went to anywhere, the "stalker cop" I'm not entirely sure what happened there. Also there's not much sexual chemistry between them, their first time together almost felt "rapey" it all happened very fast.
3. A suggestion to help with the transition, may be to work in flashbacks, you can give insight into the past while not loosing the flow of the current plot, also the "Rhonda " character is confusing, what is the point of her?
Anyway, I'm all done, hopefully this helps, I hope you keep writing and I hope this helps, I would love to enjoy this and see how it ends.
Good luck! Happy Writing!
XoxoReviewer: EvaNatasha92 Signed [Report This]
Date: January 21 2016 07:35 pm
Sally don't let one person's experience define yours!
I believe Storm has proven his love for you.Reviewer: Rena Anonymous [Report This]
Date: January 20 2016 01:02 pm
I'm glad Storm invited Sally to New York. She needed a break. I can understand Sally's need to be independent, but I think by her refusing everything is making Storm want to by things and take care of her more. I think he finds Sally refreshing and not like who he normally attracts, women who see him as an ATM as he described in a previous chapter. Storm is already near being in love with Sally.
As for the haters at the table she and Storm are sitting, were ignored and should have been. Jessica obviously got beat up by one of the lawyers or whoever and is warning Sally I guess. But it was done when Jessica said that Sally thinks she's special because Storm dotes over her. Really? She sounded so pathetic. Sally doesn't need Storm to feel special. She already is without him.Reviewer: oHH Anonymous [Report This]
Date: January 19 2016 10:14 pm
Great update!! While what Jessica said is true in a lot of cases with the women at these finctions that are bought and paid for (apart of the deal) it's not always that way. Jessica along with the others are jaded and used up. If that's as good as it gets for them so be it. Sally is in school, is going to have a career, and a trust fund. She does not need Storm. He has a lot but Sally is not the type of woman these women seem to be. Golddiggers and used up flesh and has the nerve to spew bitter venom at Sally. Sally is not a part of that club and I am sure if Storm was that guy and ever stupid enough to treat her as such, he'd live to regret it. More please......Reviewer: Anonymous Anonymous [Report This]
Date: January 19 2016 09:39 pm
Sally is going to be stuoid agsin isn't she? Storm has never disrespected you or laid a hand on You Sally. Jessica or Kristy is just jealous because in Storm you have the real deal. Storm is gentlemen, and he treats like the lady you are. I am annoyed by the fact that Sally is sexing it up with Storm but still doesn't trust him.Reviewer: Pmgayles Anonymous [Report This]
Date: January 19 2016 12:13 pm
First, I want to wish you much success in your business! The first in a, brand new business is crazy hectic so I don't see yu having the time to update twic in month. A double update when you have time works for me.
Sally is irking me, Ronda is not worth your time, it is only a matter of time before the police catch her and Katie and Katie will throw her under the bus. So the hoosegau is in her future. Is Sally in the witness protection program? Was it her handler on the phone asking her about Mitch? Why is she still zpending time with Mtch? For some on the run she is too trusting and not of the riight people. Trust Storm , Ayasha, Mike and Colin Sally.
Who is,checking into her backgroud, is it Storm's evil mother? Where is officer Eastman? I know Sally will say no to moving in with Storm be ause she's stupid that way. Thanks cor updating, I love this story!!Reviewer: pmgayles Signed [Report This]
Date: December 05 2015 12:45 pm
I am interested in this story but we are still in the dark about who Sally really is...what she is hiding is still a mystery...why does the cop want her except he's a perverted douche...Ronda has been in trouble and Sally bails her out...what trouble and how does it involve Katie...and now the trouble is enough that Storm and his friend want to investigate...this story hasn't given us enough background on Sally...no flashbacks, no potential interactions that she tries to hide from Storm...from who is she hiding...it would help to have more information at some point to really pull the story together...Reviewer: jahchannah Signed [Report This]
Date: November 14 2015 05:55 am
I really want Sally to open up to Storm, Storm loves her and she doesn't see it. I am getting tired of Sally and vasillations between being in an relationship with Storm and pushing him away. He can keep you safe Sally. please wake her up. I like this version!Reviewer: pmgayles Signed [Report This]
Date: October 20 2015 12:58 am
I am officially addicted to this story!
I Love the way S & S relationship is blossoming…I can’t help but feel this is the calm before the storm…Sally is definitely living a double life..
I cannot wait for the next update…
You have some Awesome writing/storytelling skills… Thanks for sharing your gift with us. JReviewer: Adriana Signed [Report This]
Date: September 07 2015 01:30 am
Sally piss or get off the pot, you want a relationship with Storm and you trust him or your don't. I am tired of the waffling, she is making my left eye twitch!! Who would have recognized her at that function and why was she worried about it? Why would any of Storm's business associates recognize her ? Was she hooking trying to make ends meet? Sally frustrates me!!!Reviewer: pmgayles Signed [Report This]
Date: September 02 2015 10:23 pm
Talk about surprise, there is definitely more going on with Sally than meets the eye. However, I am a little bit curious How does the cop who was stalking her fit into all of this? I am truly enjoying this story keep up the good work.Reviewer: Anonymous Anonymous [Report This]
Date: August 07 2015 02:34 am
Looking forward to the next chapter. I love it!!! I read your first story and loved it and enjoy reading the changes you've made to this updated version.Reviewer: Anonymous Anonymous [Report This]
Date: August 06 2015 03:45 pm