Many people had different ideas about the perfect life. Some had images of vast fortune, some of infinite fame, and some simply wished for the ultimate love. Though she didn’t plan on it, she fell into the latter category.
When she was in college, she had met the love of her life, Shawn Celeron. He had been a little awkward at first, but with a smile that warmed her from head to toe. He worked at a restaurant she and her friend’s frequented. Somehow he always ended up waiting them. She would lightly flirt, sure that not much would come out of it, after all he was painfully shy. She was grateful he proved her wrong.
Once she had gone to the restaurant alone, her friends all having various tasks to do on their own but she had been hungry and didn’t see a reason to break a habit. Most of it went routine, he ended up serving her, and she lightly flirt, but that day just felt different. Then she knew why. When her food arrived, somehow in small cursive writing across the side of her plate in ketchup was “Go out with me?” It was a bit cheesy, but had worked.
Their relationship had always been like that. He was always doing little things to make her smile, even when they were upset with each other. They completed and supported each other. So despite her reservations she supported him when he announced he wanted to join the military. Shawn didn’t have much education, having dropped out of college after only a year due to financial issues. He wanted to provide for her and their future family. Be someone they could be proud of. He glowed in his uniform and she was indeed proud. Then Mia came and everything seemed perfect.
Her perfect life shattered, however, on November 13th when she was informed that Shawn Celeron, her husband, died in the line of duty in the war.
And along with him, she died too.
***
“Layla!”
Who was calling her? She wished they shut up. She had a terrible headache. Was it already another day? It felt like she just fell asleep. Her eyes cracked open greeted with the sight of her living room floor. She was grateful for the heavy curtains that covered her windows and blocked out most light.
Her back hurt and she concluded it was the awkward position she apparently fell into when she rolled off the couch sometime during the night. There was loose change sticking to her cheek and a bottle of Bacardi Gold right in her line of sight. Much to her disappointment it was empty which did little to motivate her to move.
“Layla Janine Celeron! Answer me when I call you. What the hell are you doing on the floor?”
“Shut up Toni,” Layla grunted irritably pushing herself off the floor into an upright sitting position.
The room spun at the movement not helping her headache or mood. Toni sucked on her teeth in a disapproving manner setting her purse on the couch and looking around.
“I cleaned up this place 3 days ago and already it’s a sty. “
Layla ignored her, instead eyeing a small bag containing something white beside glass. Discreetly she quickly pushed both items under the coach out of sight. She’d never hear the end of it if Toni’s eyes landed on it.
“What are you doing here so early?” she muttered turning side to side in an attempt to crack her aching back.
Toni rolled her eyes and walked over to the curtained windows. She threw them to the side revealing the light of day. Layla hissed in protest as light filled the room, her eyes taking a moment to adjust. Toni made a hand gesture to the outside world.
“Girl it is three ‘o clock in the afternoon, hardly early. Where’s Mia?”
A pang of guilt struck her when she had to pause and think about where her child was.
“Her room…” she responded uncertainty tinting her words.
Toni gave her a look of disgust before turning on her heel to head to said child’s room. Layla released a sigh of relief for the small moment of peace. She hated Toni’s judging looks. It made her feel small. She struggled to her feet pushing off against the coach. Her feet stumbled over one another knocking her shin against the coffee table eliciting a curse from her lips.
Toni walked back into the room carrying Mia. The little girl was rubbing sleepily at her eyes through a thick batch of curly hair. It looked a mess and Layla couldn’t remember the last time she ran a brush through the child’s hair. Mia blinked a few times, staring at her with large, familiar brown eyes before her mouth opened into a smile and expression brightened. Layla’s throat closed up and she glanced away unable to look into eyes that reminded her so much of him.
“She was just in there standing up in her crib. She’s probably hungry. You hungry Mia?” Toni cooed to the child in her arms.
She bent over and placed Mia on the floor allowing the girl to make quick steps towards her mother.
Toni smiled fondly. “I’m going to make something to eat. Do something with that child’s hair, please.”
Again she disappeared, this time into the kitchen. Layla could already hear the pounding of pots and pans and imagined Toni moving around the kitchen as though it was her own. It might as well been, she sure as hell hadn’t used it in months. The only reason why she even had food was because Toni brought groceries over once a week. She felt soft patting at her legs and looked down. Mia looked up at her expectantly, a wide smile on her face revealing the three teeth she had.
“Mama?”
Again something jarred with Layla, she couldn’t look at her daughter anymore.
“I need a drink…”she murmured to herself lightly brushing Mia off her leg and heading to her bedroom unaware of the sad and confused eyes watching after her.
***
When Mia had been born she had never seen Shawn happier. Her heart swelled in pleasure that she was able to bring into the world something that could brighten his face so. Watching him beside the hospital bed gently rocking the small bundle and place frequent kisses on her face had tripled her love for Shawn. Then when Mia had fallen asleep, he had looked up at her, intense love within the depths of his eyes.
“She’s beautiful... I love you, Layla.”
She smiled softly at him. “I love you too.”
So much. Maybe too much.
***
“Maama! Mama!”
She heard the cries all the way from the living room but she didn’t move. Her back against the coach and held tilted back her eyes stared unseeing at the ceiling unable to process that she might be needed. The constant cries were starting to pierce through her skull though. She shut her eyes tightly and groaned as bright lights flashed behind closed lids.
It seemed like she was always being bothered by someone or something. If it wasn’t Toni, it was Mia, and if it wasn’t either of them it was Shawn. She saw him around the house. A transparent figure that gave her sad smiles as it wandered around all the places he would. It always tried to speak but she could never hear it. Whenever she tried to touch him he’d disappear so she stopped trying. Content to just watch him. But those sad eyes always struck a cord in her chest. She wanted to comfort him, do something to make him smile at her once again like he did in life. Nothing she did seemed to do did so though.
This wasn’t working anymore. She needed more to get to the higher level. To be able to block out everything.
“Mama!”
Layla slowly pushed herself off the coach. Everything seemed to be moving in slow and fast motion at the same time. Every sound amplified, even the beating of her heart and breathes between her lips. She took clumsy steps towards the crying until finally leaning heavily against the door frame of a room.
Inside Mia was standing up in her crib rattling the side and stomping around. She quieted slightly when her eyes fell upon her mother but the tears didn’t cease. Layla stared unblinking. She could see Shawn’s face hovering over Mia’s matching each feature. They had the same eyes, nose, eyes, and cheeks. She didn’t see anything on Mia’s face that belonged to her.
It felt as though her lungs were closing up and suddenly she couldn’t breath. Her hand grasped the handle of the door and closed it with a soft click ignoring the more frantic cries behind it. The click sounded more deafening than it should have.
She made her way back to the coach falling heavily onto it. Her hands groped the areas beside her blindly until her fingers brushed against cool glass and lighter. Movement that her hands were beginning to know too well guided her into the motions prepping the glass pipe and lighting. She brought it to her lips and inhaled deeply. Cries, though faint, still evident in the air.
It wasn’t working anymore.
***
“How long will you be gone?”
He grinned at her, obviously basking in the attention she was lavishing onto him. Layla had always been a rather independent person, so he cherished the moments when she’d let her guard down. His arms tightened around her form as he leaned his forehead against her own.
“Not long, just a few months. No big deal.”
Layla released a shaky laugh attempting to keep her tears at bay.
“No big deal. Shawn, you could be killed.”
“Knock on wood.”
“Shawn…”
His face sobered up though the smile on his lips didn’t fade. He placed a soft kiss on her nose followed by ones on her eyelids then trailed his lips lightly down her cheek to finally reach her mouth. He pressed his mouth firmly against her own which she returned with fervor. His tongue made steady strokes against her bottom lip asking for entrance he already knew she’d grant. She complied, meeting his tongue with her own creating a slow sensual dance between them. Her grip on his hips tightened and she pulled him against her to grind their pelvises together. Shawn groaned into her mouth and reluctantly broke off the kiss. His breath came out in shallow pants against her lips urging her to reach out again. He pulled back with a light laugh.
“Babe you can’t do that. I have to go, and if we get started I’ll never leave.”
Layla smiled sadly. “I know. That’s what I was hoping for.”
Shawn’s eyes softened. He leaned foreword and gave her a quick peck smoothly avoiding her attempts to deepen the kiss once more. Slowly he unwrapped his arms from around her, trailing his hands down arms giving her goose bumps until he laced their fingers together.
“Don’t worry. You’ll be okay. We’ll be okay. I’ll come back soon and we can work on baby number two.”
Layla stroked her thumb over his knuckles knowing already she was going to miss his gentle touches. “Promise?”
“I promise baby.”
He didn’t know it but he had lied
***
Dear Layla,
How are you baby? I know letters are played out but I thought it’d be nice to have. Something you can look at until I get back. You don’t understand how much I miss you and Mia. Is she talking yet? I know she was attempting to walk when I left. I can’t wait to see you two again. It’s not as bad as I thought it was going to be out here. We have a lot of luxuries and mainly just do patrolling. Nothing interesting is happening. I told you it was no big deal. I’ve been thinking about extending our family, maybe two or even three more? You’re a wonderful mom. I always wanted a big family and now that I’m able to provide for us better I know we can have that.
Layla, I thank god every day for giving me you and Mia. You motivate me, and make me a better person. I hope you can say the same. I want to be the best man I can be for my girls. There’s not a day that goes by that I don’t smile thinking about you two. So I hope at least while I’m here you think about me and smile everyday. I don’t ever want you to ever be sad. You know I hate it. Just keep your head up babe, I’ll always be with you even hundreds of miles away. I have to end this letter short but I’ll call as soon as I can. Its October now, only a one more month to go! Start the count down.
I love you.
Love Shawn.
***
“Again with the mess! I’m getting sick of cleaning up your shi-place,” Toni ended conscious of Mia’s presence.
Once again Layla ignored her. A piece of paper was gripped tightly in one hand. She was more irritated than annoyed. Not more than ten minutes ago she had lit up another rock and right when as she finished it Toni came banging at her door. She was seriously beginning to get tired of her friend butting in on her life. Though if she was in her right mind she’d be grateful. It was only to Toni’s help that the house stayed cleaned, fridge stocked, and Mia fed and clean. Hell it was only to Toni’s help that Layla herself was clean and fed. Right now though Layla was less than grateful. She was trying her hardest not to give her present condition away. The drug wasn’t helping making her jittery and paranoid. Where had she put the pipe?
“I don’t understand how you can get up and go to the liquor store but not do anything else-“
Shut up…
“You need to get it together Layla, I know it’s been hard but it’s been almost year. We’re starting to worry-“
They didn’t understand her. What she was going through. Her whole life was shattered, how was she supposed to piece it back together? The sharp shards were too much for her to handle. She didn’t even know where to start.
“Are you…what the fuck?”
That jarred Layla from her thoughts. Toni never cursed around Mia unless she wasn’t able to keep it to herself. It was then she noticed Toni on the floor beside her. Liquor bottles in one hand but in the other…
The glass pipe.
Toni dropped the bottles on the floor and stood up abruptly. Fear was evident in her eyes as she looked down at Layla. She held the pipe away jerking her eyes back and forth between her and it with disbelief in her eyes.
“Layla…Layla, are you smoking crack?”
It wasn’t accusatory but for some reason it sounded more hostile in her ears. Layla lunged at Toni’s arm in attempt to grasp the pipe but to no avail. Toni held it up out of her reach before throwing it somewhere on the other side of the room. Layla cried out in panic. She needed that. How else would she escape?
She made move to shove past Toni and retrieve it when she felt a smart stinging against her cheek. Her eyes widened in surprise. Toni’s hand remained posed in the air from slapping her, fire in her eyes as she glared darkly at her friend. Beneath the fire however, her eyes shimmered with unshed tears.
“Layla…why? Is this why you’ve been acting like this?”
“It’s none of your damn business! I’m sick of you coming over here with your holier-than-thou attitude and trying to make me do shit I don’t want to do. Can’t I grieve Toni? Can I grieve my husband’s fucking death!? I don’t care if it’s been one year or ten! I loved him and now he’s gone. Everything’s gone!” Layla screamed finally releasing everything she had pent up.
Toni scoffed at her. “Mia’s not gone! What about her!?”
“I-“
Suddenly a high pitch screamed filled the air. Layla’s heart jumped in her chest as her eyes darted across the room and seeing no Mia in sight. Toni had come to the same conclusion and instantly sprinted to the kitchen. Layla stumbled after her stopping in the arch way as the child came into sight.
The cabinet under the sink was opened. Some cleaning product lied open on the floor, some of the content spilled out. Mia sat on the floor with her eyes closed crying at the top of her lungs. She was rubbing roughly at both eyes. Something wet had stained the front of her clothes and the area around her mouth was steadily turning red. Suddenly everything went quiet. She couldn’t move or say anything. Even as Toni frantically called 911 and tried to comfort the small girl. Words echoed through her mind in a never ending chant.
“You’re a wonderful mom...”
What would he think of her now?
***
They sat in the emergency room for what felt like hours. Toni paced back and forth in front of her. Whenever she looked down at Layla she simply shook her head and diverted her gaze. Layla’s knees were bouncing up and down with anxiety. Her hands clasped together so tightly she was shaking. Finally a nurse came out and called out her name. Toni was at the nurse’s side in an instant but Layla dragged her feet. The nurse looked at them with sad eyes as she alternated between looking down at the clipboard in her hand.
“Mrs. Celeron. It’s not looking well. We’re not sure what chemical she got into but she consumed it as well as getting it into her eyes. We’re not sure what extent the damage to her eyes is yet. It could be temporary or permanent. That’s the least of our worries sadly however. We’re doing all we can to get the chemical out of her system but she consumed quite a lot and she is very young. She’s been badly poisoned. I’ll keep you updated about her condition but we have to ask, how did this happen? Was no one watching her?”
Layla eyes dropped to the ground guiltily. The woman’s stare felt as though it was burning her. She already knew what was going through her head. She thought Layla was a horrible mother and she was. She wouldn’t deny it. She had not only been neglecting herself but Mia as well. It was best for everyone if she just disappeared. Mia could go to the wonderful, new home and Toni could stop caring after her like she was a child. It was for the best.
“I have to get out of here…” Layla muttered to herself turning away from the nurse and attempting to walk briskly out the hospital.
Toni blocked her way with a heated glare. She grasped onto younger woman’s shoulders and jerked her roughly back and forth as though she could shake some sense into her. Layla met her eyes with wide ones of her own. She had never seen the extensive anger in Toni’s eyes before.
“What the hell is wrong with you!? Layla! You’re daughter, the only thing you have left from Shawn! Your only family could die! Are you crazy!?”
Layla’s eyes began to sting as she thought about her baby girl. Calling out for her Mama and seeing nothing. Looking around thinking Mommy was coming for her but never showed. Then all the times she turned away from Mia over the passed couple of months hit her at once and she felt horrible. It broke her heart. Shawn would be disgusted with her right now. Their daughter was a symbol and creation of their love, how could she forget that? The tears started to roll down her cheeks and sobs escaped her mouth. She collapsed to the floor in heavy heaves.
Toni’s eyes softened. She knelt to the ground in front of her long time friend and wrapped her arms around her.
“Its okay, Layla. We’ll get through this. Everything will be okay.”
You’ll be okay.
And then she knew that somehow Shawn kept his promise.
***
“Congratulations for completing the program, Mrs. Celeron. Today is a new beginning for you.”
Layla smiled warmly at the elderly woman before her and shook her hand firmly. She gave a wave to the other staff members behind her and exited the building. The sun shone brightly in the sky warming her skin from head to toe. She inhaled deeply then exhaled feeling the last chains of depression finally releasing her. Two car honks caught her attention. She looked to the front street to see a car parked. Standing up on the driver’s side Toni waved widely with a large smile on her face. She exited the car and went to the backdoor, reaching in for something then pulling out and closing it.
She heard the patting of feet before she saw the source. Layla tried to fight the wave of tears that threatened to spring into her eyes as she watched her now healthy child running towards her. She took long strides down the sidewalk path then fell to her knees. Mia practically jumped her arms squealing in delight. Layla showered Mia’s face with kisses and patted her hair as Toni walked upon them with a laugh.
“All she’s been babbling about is Mama. Welcome back Layla…”
Layla gently set Mia on her feet and rose from her knees. She stepped foreword to pull her friend into an embrace. Toni returned it wholesomely.
“Thank you for being there for me Toni. I don’t know what would’ve happened.”
Toni patted her back soothingly. “I’m always going to be here for you girl. Just promise me you won’t fall apart like that again. You have to stay strong or if you’re feeling weak just talk to me.”
Layla pulled away and smiled. She looked down at Mia who stared at her impatiently waiting for her turn to be showered with affection once more. For once in a long time she was able to meet Mia’s eyes and not turn away. It was those eyes, of her daughter and her beloved Shawn that gave her strength now. Her eyes carried back to meet Toni’s.
“I promise.”
And that wasn’t a lie because while things may have not been right, it would always be okay.
***
