Silence by Lizz Wright

http://www.last.fm/music/Lizz+Wright/_/Silence (listen for free here)

 

 

Have you heard the silent night
The earth is always singing
Praises of the morning sun
Even before morning
And the whole world is singing of
It's beauty all day long
And even the quiet dark
That silence is a song

Weep not for the day of gray
For the heavens are not weeping
THE Roses are still red and gay
They are even blooming
And the whole world is singing of
It's beauty all day long
And even the quiet dark
That silence is a song
That silence is a song

 

1

She strained against the belt that kept her from ricocheting around the cockpit while the wild descent tossed the floundering ship. Serenity spun and jerked leaving her dizzy and breathless. Her adrenalin pumped, warrior senses sharp, alert but this was pilot's work, she couldn't play a part in it. And all the while her eyes never left him. She watched him as he struggled to find some way to control the ship and succeeded. Serenity plummeted through the increasingly dense atmosphere; guiding the ship through the storm of attackers, obstacles, debris. Her mind strained to support him, give him the strength, presence, will he needed to guide them, land them, get them planet-side. She trembled with his effort.

The ground came up fast as Wash attempted to "glide her in". They bounced into the hangar, sheering off whole sections of the ship--her engines, wings. Serenity came to a desperate stop. Gasping, Zoe watched wide-eyed with admiration as her husband, realizing he had brought them through once again, relaxed visibly and whispered to himself, "I am a leaf on the wind, watch how I..."

Suddenly, Wash was harpooned by the Reaver scum. The thick metal spear pierced him in the chest, pinning him to the pilot's seat. Zoe was up and moving, was with him instantly, but he was already gone. "Wash...baby? Baby, no. Baby c'mon, you gotta go. Baby, c'mon. we gotta move, Baby...please...you gotta move."

Zoe stood between River and the empty seat surrounded by tacky plastic dinosaurs gazing out at the black. The seat where her husband belonged, but he was gone. The whole scene played in her head on continuous loop, it punctuated her every waking hour with pain. It was now the constant backdrop of her existence.

Her full lips, cocoa mauve and dry -- no longer gleaming red, coated with the luscious gloss Wash loved to see on them, moved inaudibly at first, then a tuneless song trickled from them and whispered out into the cockpit.

Take my love, take my land
Take me where I cannot stand ...

 

It was an anthem of rebellion, an anthem of the Independents, but she could not continue. What good was a song of freedom hard won and the scrappy independence gleaned from job to job -- do the job, get paid, keep flyin'? Sure. She had done her job, would do her job. But, the 'verse had taken her love and the Alliance had taken the land long ago, and she didn't feel free. She was shattered; chained to that moment in time, the never ending loop of memory that left her here, empty and still breathing. One of the walking dead.

Strong rough hands touched her shoulders besides the worn brown leather vest she wore on jobs. Lightly at first, like a kiss, then firmly, like a friend. A voice sang back for her ears alone:

 

I don't care, I'm still free
You can't take the sky from me....

 

"No. Not so long as Serenity's holdin' fair."

The hands slid down her arms, along the sleeves of her drab olive-brown shirt, feeling the rock-hard biceps clench, nerves twitching.

"And you?"

"Not so much, sir"

Zoe turned slowly to face her captain, her war buddy, her best living friend, Malcolm Reynolds, and as she turned, the stone-cold * collapsed, whispering into his chest,

"He ain't, never comin'."

Mal looked through the wild curls and over his shoulder towards River and thought, . He didn't know if she was listening or not, but the look in her eyes let him know she understood.

Mal attempted to lace his arm under Zoe's, set to support her like an injured soldier, but she pressed back away from him.

"I ain't got no need for you to carry me jus' yet."

They walked together down through the front passageway back to the mustard-yellow galley, the reflection from the walls played with the sickly shades of the protein rations they normally choked back for sustenance. The galley brought back memories of the Shepherd, who had also died for the secret River had held, the secret of Miranda and the horror the Alliance had created there all in an attempt to engineer a better world. They had done the job and broadcast that truth across the 'verse, and it was a job worth dying for. And yet....

They stood in front of the window in the galley, looking out into the black.

"We're survivors, Zoe. We survived Serenity Valley. We survived the war. We survived the Alliance's gorram operative." He spat out the bitter last bit, remembering the hard, broken man for his crimes and not the guilty kindness that had gotten them back flying. He turned to look at Zoe. She faced the window, but it was clear she was only seeing her pain. She was so beautiful to him in that moment. He had known her since they were kids, two browncoats who just couldn't seem to be killed in the war that took so many. She had always been a warrior--known her for her calm, cold precision and her absolute allegiance to her captain. She probably knew him better than anyone else. But this fragile, vulnerable woman by his side -- his heart ached for her now. He didn't know what he could do or say to soothe her, to bring her back.

Zoe remained silent at his side. She turned her beautiful, large almond-shaped eyes to his uncharacteristically compassionate blues, and he could see how dark and sunken they had become with her grief. She looked haunted. Zoe searched his face and seemed to come to a decision.

"Come a time, Cap'n, when you maybe realize survivin' wa'n't truly what you was aimin' toward."

Mal waited a beat -- he didn't know what to say to her, he was scared to hear what she would say next.

"Where're you aimin' t' go, Zoe?"

Zoe turned her face back toward the emptiness. "I don't rightly know, sir." Her fluid voice caught, but the rest tumbled out before she could stop herself. "Don't reckon I can live without him."

Mal turned to look back out into the emptiness of the 'verse. For him, the silence of the vacuum was palpable. The black held the peace he sought, held all his answers. Held him away from ground, away from the Alliance and the failure of the Independence war.

"Long as we can keep flying, we got reason to keep livin'.'' Mal's heart seemed to expand as if it would burst. He couldn't imagine a world without Zoe. And yet, she was living that nightmare -- caught in a world without Wash.

"And if she don't fly true?" Zoe turned and walked back through the galley to the complicated array of spans that traversed down into the cargo hold.

Mal let her go. A ship this size was a small place, even for the seven of them that remained. An unspoken rule was that if someone walked away from you, you let them go. It was a signal that they were leaving when there was really no way you could get away from anyone on the ship. Zoe needed her space, but the thought of her alone chilled him.

--*--

Zoe found herself overlooking the cargo hold, perched on the span that led between the two shuttles. She sank down and sat on the span, staring inward. , she thought to herself.

She let the little noises and creaks of Serenity leak away from her awareness and entered into the black. It seemed as though the ship had gone transparent and she could sense the vacuum of space all around her. She drank in the silence and it filled her -- seeping in from the skin. The silence turned her thoughts to Earth-that-was.

Earth-that-was is always calling to us, she sings in the silence of the black, reminding us we are her children, the children who stripped her naked to the bone; raped her, taking everything precious from within her, then left her behind. Now the silence that was in her core, echoed through the void in all its vastness. That silence was the surest way to recollect her.

We made new homes on new planets, but nary one of them offered what Earth-that-was had gifted. She could not be re-created. What had been created instead was a new kind of people who were made exactly in the image of what was done to the Earth. The Reavers -- they were the legacy of our destruction and exile. They raped, pillaged and cannibalized Alliance space the way we had raped, pillaged and cannibalized earth.

"Crazy bastards." Zoe loosed the words with a harsh whisper.

Earth was long dead before she had been born, but Zoe could feel her true home in the silence. This was the intimacy she shared with Mal, that had at one time threatened her husband, until he learned what it was to go through nearly to death with a person and come out the other side. From that moment, there was an understanding among the three that allowed Wash and Zoe to truly become one soul in two bodies. The Reavers had taken Wash from her, but they were a creation of the Alliance. Another reason to have won the gorram war, but they had lost.

She stood silent as a cat and made her way back towards the crew quarters and descended to their bunk to lie among her memories and be with her dead husband.

2

Malcolm Reynolds stood in front of the door to Inara's shuttle. He hesitated, his confidence draining away. It had only been a few days since they were back flying and the atmosphere on Serenity was choked with grief and possibility. Inara had not decided yet whether to go back to her girls or stay with the ship. Still, he needed her help and perspective.

The shuttle door's whisper brought him back to reality.

"Mal!"

Inara Sera was startled by his presence and, because of everything unsaid between them for so long, Mal was embarrassed to be caught lurking there by her door. Her face was still unpainted. She hadn't dressed the companion since they had buried their people in the desert.

"I was, I ...Sorry Inara I don't mean t'bother." He turned crisply on his heal to escape.

"Mal, wait! I was just coming to find you...I, please come in and sit with me."

Mal stopped, but didn't turn to face her. "I need you, Inara." He didn't move. "I don't know what to do to help Zoe."

"Oh...." Inara was surprised and disappointed. So this wasn't about what hung between them. Still.... She saw the weight of grief and resolve on his shoulders. She stepped up behind him and impulsively wrapped her arms around his waist, causing Mal to tense. The hug was brief.

"Come into my shuttle."

He followed her into the shuttle and stood just inside the door. She had begun to transform the functional space back into something that spoke of her using some items she had left on ship. The shuttle looked like a mix of their worlds.

"I don't know, 'Nara. There's so much we haven't sussed out 'bout our own selves, -- I can't pull you into all this 'tween Zoe 'n me 'n Wash."

"Maybe helping Zoe is the best place for us to begin, Mal. We'd both do anything for her." Mal hadn't known that, it took him by surprise. Inara had been like a big sister to Kaylee, the ships intuitive mechanic, but had never seemed particularly bonded to his second.

She sat among a sparse nest of red and gold brocade cushions and gestured for him to join her. Mal sat next to her, his hands clasped loosely between his knees, head dropped, idly watching them.

Mal turned to look at Inara, who was studying him, her companion-skilled gaze unreadable.

"Have you heard the silent night, Inara? Earth-that-was? The earth's always singing. That's how I know who I am, that's how I go on. The silence out in the black, the dark of space. It's bigger than anything in here." Mal touched his chest above his heart. "It's what tells who we are."

He dropped his gaze and studied the fabric of the couch between his thighs.

Inara was struck by his words, something about the image of the silent dark and earth singing to us from so far away, so long dead. A poem rose in her mind. She tucked the thought away and waited.

"Help me, Inara. If I loose Zoe, I'll never be able to find you." He looked up at Inara and revealed a shining tear, marking a path toward his chin.

On impulse she reached up and touched his face, catching the tear on her fingertip. She brought it to her lips and kissed the wet spot. She turned the palm of the hand toward Mal and with her other hand, gestured toward the glistening fingertip.

"This is the truth of love, it makes us feel. The silence is your anchor, but you can't go on without love. Zoe? This is a path Zoe has to walk, but she doesn't need to walk it alone. You can help her because you love her."

"Yeah, well, love ain't somethin' I lend too much thought to."

"Well, it's time you did, Malcolm Reynolds. Love comes in many shapes and has nothing to do with giving someone a thrust. Zoe is beautiful and loyal to you to of a fault. You survived the war together, when neither of you thought you might, with your friendship intact. You brought her with you into the black to find a way to live in the world you lost, and she came willingly. I'm guessing part of why Zoe always calls you "sir" is to keep what little distance that lies between you solid." Inara paused, considering. "Oh, don't tell me. You've never been together, have you? Zoe told me you never wanted her to marry Wash. I always thought that was shipboard romance taboo. Might be there's something more...now Wash's gone are you mad at him for dying and making you face feelings you've hidden from all these years?" Despite her training and the reasonableness of her words, Inara was getting hot.

"Now hold on 'Nara." Mal started, but Inara was feeling some heat from the implications of her own questions. These were dangerous waters, despite her training, but she forged on.

"Or for leaving open a door you thought you would never have to consider opening. you and Zoe -- there must be so much between you you haven't acknowledged."

"Stop right there. I won't have you sully our friendship with whispers and ghosts of somethin' that ain't nothin'." Mal made to rise, but Inara placed a hand on his arm.

"Mal wait, this isn't about you and me, I've got no jealousy of Zoe, or...maybe I do but this isn't about that. It's about you recognizing and accepting how you feel about Zoe. You have to see how much she means to you and that something is scaring you. What are you afraid of, Mal?"

"'Sides your companiony wiles? What's your meaning, woman?"

"I'm sorry that came out stronger than I anticipated, Mal. Something about Zoe has got you spooked. What is it?"

Mal sat quietly gazing at the incense holder, matches and candles on the table in front of him. Inara gave him the space he needed. The silence stretched around them.

"I think she means to go to him, 'Nara." Then, more quietly, he added, "I ain't ready t' lose Zoe, too."

Inara thought of her own, deep fear of death and of how the Buddhist teachings that wove into the foundation of her training should have given her peace and resolve. Buddha taught that death was not an end, but there was no benefit to rushing things along.

"So you think Zoe will kill herself?"

"No. I think Zoe won't try to keep herself from gettin' killed. All this time it's been about keepin' alive to get to the next job. Wash let her dreams come up, dreams of havin' somethin' to hold. Little ones, all that. I don't think just survivin's enough for her now."

"And it's your duty to fulfill Zoe's dreams now that Wash is gone?"

"Yes. I mean, no...well, yeah...somethin' like." Mal thought of Nishka's torture and how he and Wash had finally been bonded with respect to Zoe. "I promised Wash after I got my ear sewed back to make sure Zoe had everything she ever wanted if anything happened to him." Mal laughed, "I've always ever wanted to make sure Zoe had everything she wanted -- exceptin' Wash for a time."

"Oh Mal, you don't have to take on the wife of your fallen <xiong di>**." Inara sighed inwardly with relief. It was just about honor.

Mal saw her relief and swallowed hard; here's where it gets tricky, Mal thought, "'Nara, you ain't all wrong. Zoe n' me...I never seen her as a woman until Wash came on crew. Oh yeah I mean I know she's a stunner and she'd had men 'fore that, sure. Same as me, but all that pretty much was 'fore the war got done. Since then we've had each other's back; what we lived through, what was done to us left little room for anyone else or each other. Wash came in and messed that around. Wash made me look at Zoe as a woman. I felt the fool, havin' looked past her all this time. And selfish, too. Coulda been somethin' there. So when they said they was gettin' married I...."

Mal just stared at Inara, face hard. Then he turned away. There wasn't anything more he need really say. "Then you came aboard."

3

She didn't need to close her eyes to see him and be with him, yet she followed what had become a ritual in the few short weeks since Wash had died. Whenever she needed to escape from the tormenting image of Wash dying, which haunted nearly her every waking hour, she retreated to their bunk, closed and locked the hatch.

She took off her leathers and boots, stowed and checked her weapons -- making sure she had some security at arms reach. She rinsed her face and hands, each time staring intently at her face to see - she didn't know what. Maybe that she was somebody else and Zoe Washburne was in some other where, still happy, still with her man.

 

She lay down on the too-wide bed, making sure not to catch her curls underneath her body.  Breathing deeply, resting her hands with her long fingers pressed together at the tips, steepled over her belly she closed her eyes and willed Wash to come to her.

 

Eyes closed, she saw and felt herself standing inches from where she lay.

"Baby?"

"I'm here, ," Hoban Washburne's voice resonated in her head.  She had found she could hear him like this since they'd left that moon.  Seemed she could almost hear it with her own ears.  The sound was so real. The Zoe who stood beside the bed turned, and there he was - face pale and lively; goofy, spiky hair a mess. Tacky Hawaiian shirt open revealing one of her military-order undershirts over worn flight pants. He stepped toward her, the one of her who stood in the middle of the room, and twining one arm around her waist and the other across her shoulders and into he hair, pulled her into a kiss.

 

Zoe imagined she felt-no, what she felt seemed real, was real. Her heart raced, unsure if her sensations swam up from memories, dream or some mystical reality she'd never believed in. She felt his left arm, which was wrapped around her body, slide up her back; felt his fingers as they grasped the ends of her hair and tugged with gentle insistence, slide over her shoulder-blades and bump across her leather choker up into the tight curls at the nape of her neck to join it's partner tangled in her hair. She shivered from that touch and from the ghost of the day he fastened the slim leather cords on her neck-the cords she had not worn since the funeral. And the one of her on the bed not seeing all this, well maybe it was not so far-fetched that she felt his touch as if he were there.

 

Zoe purred, vibrating her lush, thick lips against her husband's thinner-yet-busy ones. "Mmmmm, baby. That feels so nice."

 

Wash nipped her lip and Zoe let out a yelp.

 

"I love this part. I get to show off my musicalness and make you sing." Wash kissed her again as he walked her backwards until she bumped into the vertical ladder that descended from the hatch. Zoe pulled back from him and raised an eyebrow.

 

"I s'pose I'm S'POSED t'be knowin' the words to this song?"

 

"That's right. The words are easy enough: , Wash, take me now, O God, harder, yes," he deadpanned the words while he ran one hand down the front of her body, and back up to circle over her breast. He identified the most sensitive spot and firmly pinched the hardened nub through the fabric of her shirt, both deliberate and gentle, receiving a loud gasp in reward. "See, sweetie? You already know the tune...."

 

Grasping her ponytail with his left hand, he angled her face upward as he kissed a trail along her jaw to her throat as low purr growled it's way back up her throat and into his ear. With his right, he reached down and stroked between her legs.

 

"Somebody's gonna be doin' some laundrin'," he told the dimple above her collarbone. She knew he was right, feeling the deep, internal ache even as the wetness spread.

 

"Make me sing, husband"

 

Zoe-on-the-stair clasped both hands behind Wash's head and brought his mouth forcefully to hers. She always marveled at how his thin lips kept pace with hers, which were monumentally full. His tongue traced the contour of the inside of her upper lip, then dipped into her mouth, teasing and dancing with her tongue, She folded her tongue around his and sucked, causing her husband to press his hips against her thigh and grind his desire into her, right hand still stroking her pants at the crotch.

 

Wash unfastened Zoe's pants, while she lifted her shirt over her head. As the pants rolled down her hips, she felt lips kiss the path they took while she wrestled her hair and arms free. Wash was naked and fully prepared. He smiled at Zoe, eyes full of love and heat, and placed a hand on either hip, angling her bottom forward for better access.

 

"Looks like John Thomas is eager t' go explorin'."

 

Zoe reached up wrapping an arm around each side of the ladder and opened her legs, inviting him home. Wash took his clue and entered her, only to be caught fast by her powerful caramel limbs. He explored her all right, first teasing between her folds, then forcing through her tightness, finally sliding to the hilt. He paced their rhythm while Zoe sang the words to the song he had taught her.

 

Sometime later, her voice hoarse and spent, she clung cuddling her husband as he massaged her belly and lost himself in her exotic brown almond-shaped eyes.

 

"Did ya like my singin'?" she crooned into his ear.

 

"Me...and likely all else's racked in their bunk," Wash ducked his head too slow to avoid the playful smack that caught him.

 

"You had me tunin' like-I don't know.... What sings pretty, Wash, somethin' exotic I reckon...like parrots?"

 

Wash pulled back and studied her, blue eyes sparkling and golden hair spiked about his face, picking up and tossing back the glow from the dim florescent lights. He traced a small circle on her belly and lightly poked it's center.

 

"Like earth that was? The earth was always singing praises to the morning sun. Am I your morning sun, Zoe?"

 

A sob caught in the throat of the supine figure, while the woman on the stair shook her head, scattering back the false glints of light and the lingering passion with the sweep of her ponytail.

 

"That sun set," they said in one voice.

 

"Sunrise and sunset don't matter in the black." Wash sounded perturbed and less distinct.

 

"It matters when your sun's the one been set and I'm left here jus' settin'," Zoe's voice held a faint tremor and sounded something of a whine to it and all that was a warrior in herself recoiled in shock, shame and disgust.

"I'm still here, sweetie. I'll never leave you." The hand, so real only moments before, pressed weightlessly against her sternum for emphasis.

" But you did.  Your gone! Now, all I see is you and that harpoon and then me, here. Gorramit!" The woman on the bed sat up and shouted at the couple on the ladder, eyes still closed. She flopped back onto the bed, noticing as she turned her head from side to side in frustration that the cover was soaked with her tears. The woman on the stair reached up to turn her husband's head back to face her, but her hand moved through the image. He turned eyes wide as the universe to her, a sad smile tracing his lips.

Defeated, Zoe whispered, "Wash, I want to be with you. I can't go on with out you."

"Zoe, it ain't your time.  Where I am now, I can be your inspiration and your comfort, but I can't be your shield. You gotta do that on your own."

 

Zoe watched herself turn away from him.

 

"Zoe," Wash's tone had changed, and he had turned from her other self to face her true self, her-that-was-on-the-bed watching with the eye of inner sight, "did you find the gift I left for you?" She shook her head and watched the other's ponytail mimic her movements, sweeping grief and loss throughout the room. The image of the harpoon filled her mind as her eyes spilled tears.

 

Wash rolled his eye's and his face got that look he saved for Jayne or when other folks were being dense, and muttered mostly to himself, "I showed you right where it was." He paused, shook his head and continued.

"Baby, you can't be stuck in that spot, you have to move. There's nothing back there for you. 

" there ain't nothing here for me!"

 

"No, you can't think that! Everything you've ever wanted lies ahead of you. Remember me as I was before and as you see me here and now."

 

"What here and now, Wash? You ain't even really here."

 

"No, I'm dead, but I'm really with you. I'm always with you, but its time for me to go."

 

And she was alone.

 

Zoe sat up on the bed and looked wildly around the bunk, while from deep in her throat her grief roared out.

 

"NOOOoooo...," and she collapsed into the wasteland of hysterical tears.

 

--*--

 

Zoe started awake. Disoreinted, she checked her location - bunk. Weapon? -- at arm's reach. Time? -- no idea. She got up and went to the lav, pulled out the drawer console, opened the tap and splashed her face. Her most recent visitation trickled back through the fog of sleep. Wash.

 

"Girl, this madness can't continue - you need to see to yourself," she told her puffy-eyed, slack jawed reflection. She pressed the console closed with her foot. Centering herself in the small open space, she recited a warrior mantra, then put herself through a short, rigorous exercise routine.

 

Dripping sweat, she stripped off her clothes - smirking bitterly at the fact that she did, indeed need to wash what she'd been wearing - and slid into a clean set from the sparse lounge items she allowed herself to own - loose rust pants and a brown print top. Wash had been particularly fond of these. She laced into her boots and grabbed a small gun that she kept fitted into a boot-rigged holster.

 

"Ain't you a girlified site." She laughed at the combination of weapons and plush.

 

The notion of wearing the soft, loose garments, contrasted with the gun, but she was still first officer of a ship that faced no end of trouble at every turn. She slipped her knife into her other boot. A woman had to be ready for anything.

 

Determinedly, Zoe climbed the ladder up to the hatch, released it and headed for the bridge to look for River.

Malcolm Reynolds sat at the helm of Serenity looking out into the black. River sat in the co-pilot's seat, lost in somebody or another's thoughts. They had plotted a slow course from Persephone to Paquin and were deep in the black. Paquin and Persephone were near apogee, Mal wouldn't normally aim to travel so far for entertainments, but the situation was different now. Resources were temporarily unlimited and the Alliance was on a tight lease. And the distance traveled alone through the black was a welcome luxury. A body needed rest and healing after it was stretched to the limit and some of the crew were near to breaking.

“We need the time.” River chirped into his reflections.

“Waaah! <Tzao gao>. Girl, ain't you never gon' figure when's a better time to skip through som'body's thoughts?”

“Timing isn't everything...and we all need time before we face the 'verse, Captain. Even you.”

“True enough. Paquin is a restsome planet, but it'll take a while 'fore anyone 'sides your brother and li'l Kaylee are up for some fun.”

River smiled and nodded as she returned to her contemplations and uninvited conversations.

Mal scanned his crew taking stock. Inara. Inara wasn't rightly crew, but she had agreed to come with them to Paquin.

“That's not nothin'.” It was easy for Mal to talk to himself with River around because she always knew when you were talking to her or not, although she would butt in on occasion.

Mal allowed himself to notice how Inara was contributing to the crew, giving hospitality and comfort. He'd never realized she knew how to cook more than tea, but she had used her long unspent resources to acquire fresh foodstuffs the like of which they had not ever had on Serenity, counting the Shepherd's initial largess. And the food was good. She had fried up some real taro root dim sum as a special treat the other night just to lift their spirits; said there was real shrimp in the stuff. He smiled thinking of Yo-Saf-Bridge and the delicious fresh bao she'd prepared before trying to kill them all.

“Must be somethin' they learn in whorin' school,” Mal chuckled to himself.

Mal knew Inara was patiently waiting on him to come around to dealing with what they had hanging between each other, but had put Zoe's needs before her own. Simon and Kaylee – best not to think too long on those two, as they could be found giving each other the internal massage in just about any quiet corner of the ship. They were getting on just fine.

River was to his mind nothing like herself, and that was a good thing, too. Mal only knew the crazed, frightened girl who had traveled on Serenity since that fateful stop at Persephone. She had come full circle and must be something of who she was before the Alliance carved up her brain. But she was older and she was a reader. She'd been trained to do the unspeakable and the necessary

“Alliance'll be rememberin' that part soon enough.” Now she was fully aware and for the most part in control of herself, but he and everyone else knew she was only just learning the scope of her powers. Jayne, of all people, had offered to teach her fine points in the use of weapons. And River had agreed despite Jayne's fool temptations in the past.

Jayne. Well, that was a conundrum. Jayne was mournin' Shepherd Book fierce, like his own daddy had found the end of his road. Mal would have to see to Jayne and soon, but his first and final crew member was suffering most. The conversation with Inara was ringing in his head. Did he have a responsibility to look to Zoe? She wouldn't take to that none. Never needed tending, that one. Not by a long shot.

“What the <gway> I'm gonna do with that woman?”

He wasn't a reader like River, but he could see clearly what lay before Zoe Alleyne Washburne: She would ride to Paquin with her ghosts and refuse whatever shiny distractions offered, preferring to grieve her husband in the shadows of Serenity. Time would come they would run through the resources channeled their way by the Operative and end up back in game. First job goes south, Zoe'd be taken. She'd end up shot dead somehow or left behind. Zoe wasn't one to put a bullet through her own head, but if no opportunities arose soon enough, that might be her chosen path. Or she might convince Jayne to do the honors, him being so broke up over the preacher. No, she needed to handle herself long before they reached Paquin.

Mal got up, feeling more tired and old than his body could ever show, despite the scars inside and out. Resigned, he trudged out of the bridge to face a duty he didn't know how to start or complete.

 

--*--

Mal descended the short set of steps to the passageway as Zoë climbed out of her bunk and stood in the passageway. She felt beat down, head drooping, heart sagging. She was surrounded by the stink of grief, just as she had remembered the stink of Serenity Valley. It clung, cloying with a weight of sorrow that mimicked the smell of death in all it's decay. She heard footsteps heading toward her down the corridor. Looking up, she saw Mal moving purposefully toward her.

Mal stopped, looking her over, his eyes dark with the strain of something unreadable.

“Zoe,” he started, then faltered. He looked her over and Zoe imagined she read some reaction to the shimmery brown print top and plush pants. It seemed like confusion. Mal had not ever seen her done up in frills of any sort, nor in any dress except on two occasions.

“Cap'n.”

Mal reached out and touched her arm the way she'd seen him do Kaylee when he was soothing her about some mishap with the ship he had caused. “Zoë, I know you're hurtin'. And I can't know the truth of it neither, but...I made a promise to Wash that I would do for you if ever somethin'...,” Mal stopped, looked away, cleared his throat and started again.

“I don't mean to pry,”

“Then I 'spect you ought to stop your mouth movin' now 'fore all that pryin' you tryin' slips out the corner while you ain't lookin' to it.” Ouch. She hadn't meant to sting him so but she didn't want Mal of all people around her right now trying hard to fix what couldn't be fixed.. Zoe moved to walk past him.

Mal gripped her arm harder and shot back, “This here's my ship, gorram it. I will ask my crew what I like, I will tell my crew what I want. I will do as I see fit.” Mal's face was full of shock at her anger and determination, and Zoe realized he would do or say whatever he could to help her – like it or not. “You ain't different just cause you're sufferin' the worst hurt, <dong le ma?>”

“This ain't got nothin' to do with crew or captain. You got somethin' to say to me 'bout me handlin' them reavers turnin' my man into a shish-kabab, Malcolm Reynolds, you say it.” She watched Mal recoil from her words, sizing up his best friend, wondering if her attempt to back him off would get him the hell out of her face. She didn't have time for Mal to try to be her captain when she was working hard to figure a permanent way off the crew.

“Zoë, how'd this become a fight? I'm looking at you 'come a ghost stalking these halls, you're wearin' clothes nobody ever seen you in, hair all wild, sometimes mutterin' to yourself. You're actin' <Boo tai jung tzhang duh>.”

Zoe drew herself to her full height, which was very close to Mal's, and stared him in the eye. “I supposed I should be chatting it up with you and River on the bridge, where my husband died. Or maybe you'd prefer I wrapped my <pi gu> in a white shroud and stayed out of sight like the perfect mournin' widow.” Her breath, harsh and ragged, showed how close to the edge she teetered. Just push me, Mal. Push me and see what happens when I fall.

Mal loosened his grip and circled his arms around her tense frame, drawing her into his chest. He took a deep breath as she allowed him to hold her. They stood that way a long time, holding, breathing, being. When Mal finally spoke, she felt the moisture that had collected between their faces as he shed silent tears into her hair.

“You can't leave.” There. He'd said it. She knew that was his biggest fear. It would have been her own if she hadn't wanted so badly to be with Wash and leave the pain of losing him behind. But it was one thing to know and another entirely to admit it out loud.

“We're deep in the black, Mal. Where the <gway> you think I could go?”

“You know damn well where you could go, Zoe. Not here and now, deep in the black. But soon as something don't go right and you end up shot or worse. I know you don't plan on survivin' long without Wash.” Mal didn't try to hide his tears. They spilled, one stingy drop at a time, collecting along his jaw, which twitched with the effort of saying so much after so much having never been said. Zoe waited, unable to deny what was true.

“Wash, he...he wanted me to...look after you....” Zoe watched Mal as he turned his head away, as if he were searching for the right words to say to her. She wondered for a moment if Wash came to Mal as well.

 

“Don't need look..”

 

“Oh yeah ya do! Wash woke up the woman inside you who died in Serenity Valley. The woman I wasn't man enough to call because the feelin' part of me died right there beside you when we didn't expect not none of us would come out from that graveyard. You don't need someone to take care of you, Zoe. I know that. You need something to make you understand that everything you wanted didn't die when Wash was taken from you.”

Now Zoe was crying – fast hot tears of grief and the shame of knowing Mal was bearing them witness. She felt Mal's hand stroke the tears from her cheek, but couldn't stop the flow of them and couldn't speak to stop the flow of his words. She felt choked with terror, she knew exactly what he was going to say next and was paralyzed and couldn't stop it from tumbling out of his mouth.

“I love you, Zoe. Ain't the same love as what you and Wash had and I'll confess for true, ain't like what I been carrying for Inara the last year and hopin'....” Dammit, dammit, dammit he is not saying this <fei hua > to me now!! But all that came out of her was a choked sob and he continued.

“But you...you was already taken and you don't know how I beat on myself that I let Wash get on this crew and take you away from me. I couldn't never let myself feel what I felt for you because of Serenity Valley and – I thought neither one of us would ever find bliss in the 'verse. When you did.” Mal paused again, but Zoe simply nodded for him to continue. He had dove them down into these deep and icy waters and the shock of it made her want to hear every last gorram word.

“I want you to have whatever it is I can give you, sorry sight as I am. I would die for you, but I would rather have you and me both live. It's what Wash wanted and, going back and being truthsome with myself, it's what I wanted back when I was too broken and couldn't admit to wanting anything.” Mal stopped as if he had run out of steam and just looked at Zoe, their lips so close they shared the same breath.

“Mal,” Zoe's heart had been opened and broken by Mal's confession, Wash's love and audacity, the weight of her own grief and in the very background a vibrating thread she knew had something to do with Mal and Inara's longing. She framed his face with her hands, acting on impulse, and kissed him full on the mouth. She felt his startled reaction and held him to her as he seemed to war with himself, then surrender to her. She inclined her head and parted her lips, encouraging him to do the same by offering her tongue to him. The kiss was electric, full of possibility, remorse and solace. There was the deep friendship pushed aside by something that would have been passion in another time. There was grief, that wondered what she was doing following this path when her husband was still circling around her from some unknown where and likely kicking himself for putting this all into Mal's head. There was the admission that she had been fully set on getting herself killed one way or another, a cowards path she knew now she would not tread. Not after the guts it took this man, her brother and friend, to drag out such complicated love and lay it at her feet.

She traced one hand along the ear that had be cut off even as Mal sacrificed himself for the life of Wash. She felt him tremble and realized that the kiss was having more of an effect than either may have wanted. She thanked his ear intimately with her touch and her kiss. Then she let her hands slip down to his chest and gently pushed him away.

“You ain't wrong, Mal,” Zoe panted out, breathing in reason and blowing out desire, “I told you the truth, I can't live without him, I feel ...I feel like I'm already half dead. Tired, touchy, broken, empty, sick.”

Zoe looked away, gathering her courage, then decided that she would tell Mal everything, well, nearly everything.

“Wash comes to me and, I know it can't be real, but it's like he's there with me and I feel alive until he leaves and it's like I'm watching him die all over again.” She laughed and shook her head. “I know. River just got right and now here you have another one of us seeing and hearing what ain't there.”

She felt Mal draw her back into him and brush her lips with his so gently. “You don't have to tell me nothin' about what you see and feel, but I don't think you're crazy, no matter what I said before.” He kissed her again, this time deeper, the mix of intentions blurring even further, neither as surprised to feel arousal with the second deep exchange. Mal stopped them this time, clearly wanting to know what Zoe was experiencing and Zoe was grateful, they weren't headed anywhere further so soon, if at all.

“It must hurt to see him like that.”

Zoe nodded and continued while she had it in her to tell it this once. She figured with River she wouldn't have to tell it at all. “This last time,” and Zoe blushed in Mal's arms from the memory of Wash and their shadowy lovemaking, “Wash said he left me something, I'm not sure what it is, but as many times as he and I wished you and Inara would come to a meetin' of ways, I'm thinking that's not what the gift is. I'm thinkin' he asked you to look to me once Inara had left, maybe in a moment laced with some of Kaylee's bad wine.” She watched Mal lower his eyes and continued. “I see I'm right about that last part.”

“The wine does have its effect.” Mal concurred.

“Don't get me wrong. I would be more than honored to be on your arm, but I'm thinkin' I need to figure out just what it is that Wash was talkin' about first. Maybe its just something I dreamed up, maybe...I don't have any idea what. But I won't disrespect your offer by tossing it aside lightly, in spite of what I think about who you aught be with.” She paused to look into his eyes, which were sad, yet held his characteristic sparkle down deep.

“Took a lot of courage to come after you, Zoe.”

“Took more to hear you out, sir.” Zoe brushed his lips one last time before pulling away entirely. She examined him, so <swai> and caught him checking her out right back. “We both know I'd be a good catch, Malcolm Reynolds, but let me try to figure out exactly what I'm supposed to be about before we sign each other up for life duty.”

“So you'll be stayin' on, whatever the case.”

“Too soon to say, sir. Ain't everything in my hands entirely. But seems to me something shifted when I kissed you and I thank you for that – you figure that might'a been the gift after all? Seems like a husband woulda left a girl more'n that.”

Mal laughed ducking his head and Zoe smiled wider than he had seen since they landed on Mr. Universe's moon.

She gave Mal a “wish me luck” look and turned to head onto the bridge while Mal watched her walk away.

"It's not here."

 

River sat facing the stars. Her body relaxed in the co-pilot seat did not betray awareness, yet her attention swept to Zoe as she stood on the stair just outside the bridge.

 

The gift? Zoe opened her mouth. Closed it.

 

"It's not happening here. You just choose to carry it with you." River turned, meeting Zoe's masked fear and hope with an aware presence so serene and wise-more disturbing by far than the crazy girl she'd come to know.

 

"Oh," Zoe realized she was frozen at the top stair. She hadn't been aware of it, but the scene from Wash's death was playing itself, her constant companion. She shook her head, clearing the constant nightmare from her vision.

"There's something..." Zoe faltered, not knowing how to admit she believed whatever it was she conjured that spoke with Wash's voice, kissed with Wash's lips.

River's eyes glazed slightly. She could feel a tingle on her belly, like a circle traced just below her navel. A shiver ran down Zoe's spine, face flinching at the unanticipated sensation. "Oh!" Zoe heard and said in the same breath.

"He loves you so much," River nodded, blushing, and confessed, "you two were always catching me up in your lovemaking."

"I ... we...," Zoe closed her eyes and took a breath-.Readin' entails a hell of a lot more than just knowin'. So what she and Wash shared, and maybe her current visits?. And, just now in the causeway, Mal? Zoe breathed out, " There's a revelation a body could do without."

"They both love you very much." River aimed to console Zoe, but the confirmation left the strong woman struggling to reset her tattered calm.

"I come to discuss certain...visitations. Been seein' Wash. I need ta know what's...am I crazy?"

"No, of course your not. He's here, of course - just not...," River's voice trailed off as grief moved across Zoe's face - all stoicism cast aside. "I know it sounds impossible, but the mind is powerful and time doesn't bind whatever the essence of who we are is. It's not magic or fable. Just is."

Be direct, follow your instincts. It wouldn't do to drag this out, not here on the bridge, not with pieces of herself shattering by the second. Zoe gave herself a mental shake and dove: "He wants to tell me something."

"Yes, make you aware of it, is all.."

"A gift."

"Everything you've ever wanted."

Zoe rocked back on her heels as the words, Wash's words, rang in stereo. She balled her fists, wanting to punch something. She'd had everything in Wash, just never knew she wanted it before he came along. Now he was gone she had nothing but this thin hope and her promise to Mal not to cash it all in. Mal. A faint tingle ran over her lips at the thought of his kiss. Maybe she had gone crazy. River giggled, bringing Zoe back, embarrassed.

"Sorry." River waited for Zoe to come back from herself, she could be infinitely patient with minds that wandered. "But you already know it, you just can't let yourself see it yet."

"The gift."

"Think. What did you want, Zoe? What did you truly want...down deep?"

Zoe studied River hoping the answer would come to her, the right answer, the answer River claimed she already had. But she only had one answer to give, and it wasn't the right one. She glanced to where Wash would never again sit and studied the console rimmed with sad little lost dinosaurs. And her grief boiled over to anger.

"I want my gorram husband back."

 

--*--

 

"Mal?" Jayne levered the weights up and onto the rests as Mal spotted him.

 

"Huh?"

 

"What we gonna do t'fix up Zoe?"

 

Mal recalled the feel of her lips on his, of her tongue meeting his. He saw Inara's face. He couldn't believe how overwhelmed he felt.

 

"Don't know."

 

He'd come down to the cargo hold to punch a bag and found Jayne working at the weights. He'd stepped in to spot, acutely aware that he was walkin' in the Shepherd's footsteps, trying yet again to step in where a man was missing and hold up his lost share. At least the Shepherd'd been gone and settled on Haven for some months, letting the crew reconcile his absence. Wash's presence floated around the ship like a ghost, the weight of him not being there crushing down on everyone. Still, Jayne was devastated by the loss of the Shepherd. They worked the weights in silence, each to his own troubled thoughts.

 

"D'ya think she might be needin' companionship?" Jayne dropped the bar into the holder at the head of the bench and sat forward with the effort of concentrating.

 

"What's that?" Mal, startled out of his own thoughts, hadn't quite heard Jayne.

 

"You know, Zoe was used to regular play, you think she might come 'round if she had a regular thrust, maybe not feel so lonely?"

 

"With Inara?" Mal was startled.

 

"Naw, Mal. Don't think Zoe's wired suchwise. I was thinkin' on my own self-"

 

Before he could finish, Jayne was in the air, flyin' over the bench, then on his feet and eye to eye with his captain.

 

"Now I wasn't meanin' no disrespect. Only right to look to do for our own." A knowing smile crept across Jayne's lips. "Seems I come on a touchy subject. You ain't tellin' me you thought you'd be the one ta..."

 

" Just leave off thinkin' 'bout doin' for Zoe that way, we'll be square, " Mal held Jayne by the shirt in a firm grasp.

 

"Oho, li'l man was right. You got some feelin' past friendship for Zoe. How's that gonna sit with Inara?"

 

Mal released his grip on Jayne and shrugged an apology. "So maybe there's somethin' there. Wash asked I look to her back when we never thought he'd be dead. Inara'd left. I made the man a promise." Mal looked up at Jayne as if he might have the answer to his dilemma.

 

"I don't think he'd make you honor that promise with Inara here waitin' for you to grow some balls and take her." Jayne was always crude, but the words were said kindly. "You told Zoe?"

 

"'Nara too. It's a predicament," Mal affirmed, shaking his head.

 

"I take it back, you got the balls." Jayne laughed. "What you gonna do?"

 

"I owe Zoe. Wash too. Gon' wait; see what she wants."

 

--*--

 

"Come in Mal."

Inara sat contemplating the field of stars visible from the shuttle's helm. She heard footsteps firm, yet tentative, approach. She turned to find pain-filled almond shaped eyes as wide and beautiful as her own searching her face.

 

"Sorry to disappoint." Zoe glanced around the shuttle as Inara rose and reached out a hand toward her, touched the smooth, sheer fabric covering the strong bicep, noticing how the delicate pattern perfectly suited her natural grace.

 

Stroking Zoe's arm with sisterly concern, Inara stated, "You're here for help."

 

"Not sure why. I...I went to River. She threw me back a puzzle help me. Mal..."

 

"...can't," Inara finished for Zoe. Inara did not want to let her feelings betray her, but just as her face was open and unpainted, just as her garments were simple and unadorned, what she felt for Mal was plain to see and she knew Zoe would know the truth.

 

"He came to find me to..." Zoe turned away. Inara stilled her pulse, acquiring calm from the disciplined biofeedback she had learned as a young child in companion's training. Zoe didn't deserve her anger.

 

"I know, he spoke with me first. He told me about Wash, what Wash wanted. He told me how he felt."

 

"About you?" Zoe turned back to Inara.

 

"No. About you," Inara sighed. Such complicated love, such a complicated man, tangling her up in his confused sense of honor.

 

"He never let on he felt any... I could have guessed, if I had reason, I s'pose." Tears slipped from her eyes.

 

Inara didn't move, didn't try to rescue her, didn't try to steal away her pain in the false hope she could make it less. "You didn't need to know. You had everything you wanted."

 

", if I hear ONE somebody else say them words one more time I'm likely to take Jayne down to the cargo hold and beat the out of him." Zoe's eyes held a madness crossed with anger that would have been dangerous had her voice not been so defeated by pain.

 

Inara rushed up and caught her in her arms, soothing the pain with tenderness. She let the heat of anger and pain seep into her arms and carried them away from Zoe. Let the room settled from the force of it.

 

"Why Jayne?"

 

"Only one on this boat due a regular ass-whuppin'." Zoe smiled through tears, then started to laugh and Inara joined her. They laughed until the collapsed onto the floor like girls had done during the training, late at night, discussing the application of some particularly provocative sexual art learned during their lessons.

 

"I take it giggling with the girls is something new for you." Time to draw Zoe out, see if she could help at all.

 

"First time for everything."

 

"What would you have me do for you, Zoe?"

 

"Help me find Wash's gift."

 

"Where is it?"

 

"I don't know, but the clue has got to be somewhere inside of me."

 

"Tell me...."

 

Inara listened as Zoe opened her heart for the third time in the same day and drew her into her world of horror, pain, loss and the constant grief of remembered passion of her lost love.

 

She had no embarrassment talking of her ghostly sex life in front of the companion. Inara saw to it that whatever arts she possessed made the larger woman comfortable. She twirled tendrils of Zoe's hair, patted her arm and held her the way a best friend would - if your best friend wasn't your captain, harboring feelings crossed over a decade for you. At some point, she moved to make tea, a blend that comforted and loosened tongues. Zoe spoke of the nightmares, and the visits, of how it felt so realistic, of how she both watched and participated and how it devastated her when it was done. A companionable aura settled within the shuttle.

 

"I just can't figure what it could be, 'Nara -- something we always wanted together. What could he leave, not knowin' he was going anywhere?"

 

"Maybe it's not something you wanted together. Maybe it's something neither of you knew you wanted. I don't know. Sometimes we don't know what we leave behind when we leave. When Nandi died on that desolate border moon never knowing the gift she gave me. She wasn't bound by thinking of herself as a companion and all the rules that go with it, and the rules I made for myself. She saw the man he was and took him to her bed and heart, if only for that night."

 

Zoe raised an eyebrow at that, indicating she hadn't known Mal had grappled with Inara's friend. Inara waved her hand to still the questions. She needed to get to the point of her confession.

 

"When I found out, I was heartsick. The gift? Knowing I could choose to be with Mal, that I could make the choice and have everything I ever wanted. But to do it, I would have to give up everything I thought I was. I wasn't ready, was a coward for truth, but that's another story. That doesn't change the gift or lessen it." Inara noticed a new layer of pain revealed in Zoe's face. "Zoe?"

 

Zoe gazed at Inara with new understanding. All this pain, all this hurt. It just created a mask that kept her from looking to the future. Now she could see it all and it was shiny bright.

 

"A child. I've always wanted to have children. Wash wouldn't agree to it. It was right there he told me, as we prepared to fight for Nandi and her girls, that he wasn't havin' it. We'd had that fight so many times. He wouldn't agree to it, not with how we live. And I put my big foot down. I can hear it just like we was out there in the dust all over again." A tingle rose over the skin of her belly as Zoe shared the words of their last fight on the subject. A tingle that felt like a circle drawn around a single point. Zoe told it to Inara like something out of a fairy tale.

 

"Well, I'm not sure now is the best time to bring a tiny little helpless person into our lives."

"That excuse is getting a little worn, honey. "

"It's not an excuse, dear. It's objective assessment. I can't help it if it stays relevant."

"I don't give a good gorram about relevant, Wash. Or objective. And I'm not so afraid of losing something that I won't try havin' it. You and I would make one beautiful baby. I want to meet that child one day. Period. "

 

"Everything you ever wanted - a child, Zoe? But that was over a year ago"

 

"You know things went downhill after that. You left the ship, then the Shepherd. Luck went south, worse'n ever. Wasn't time to force him on the issue, Inara. I thought I'd have time. I didn't speak of it again-wasn't no need. I'd made my feelings plain."

 

"So is that it...Wash is encouraging you to raise a child - but how could you possibly have a child now...?" Mal's face immediately rose in Inara's mind. She knew that this web of tangles would quickly choke them all if Zoe were to bare Mal's child.

 

The sound of boots thudding on the floor grew louder, interrupting the mood in the shuttle. River came bursting in, skidding to a stop in front of the women still huddled on the floor like girls at a sleepover. River beamed down at Zoe, the warmth casting itself over Inara. The whole shuttle glowed.

 

"Yes, it's everything you ever wanted. He meant your child. Thank goodness! I thought you would be throwing up all over the galley before you figured out you were pregnant!!"

"Yes, well it looks as though you aren't very far along. Just four weeks. You must have conceived just before..." Simon Tam looked away from Zoë to the rest of the crew gathered in a half circle in the infirmary.

 

"A baby! Oh Zoë!" Kaylee gushed enthusiastically and rushed to the side of the exam table where Zoë sat, fully clothed, but dazed from the results of the test, even though she knew for sure. River could sense the baby growing within her as sure as Simon could test for it.

 

"Looks like our crew'll be adding a member. You scan them genetics, doc?" Mal was beaming despite the line of worry that crinkled his forehead.

 

'Yes, so far so good. I know the gender; if Zoë wants, we can all know."

 

"Go ahead, doc. No sense River knowing more n' me about my own child."

 

"A girl," Simon announced and the room nodded approval, grinning and waiting for Zoë to take it in.

 

"A baby girl?" Zoë beamed happiness no one had seen in her for weeks.

 

Jayne stepped forward. "Name her Hoban, after her father." The room burst with laughter.

 

"No, no...Wash hated that name. ' Sides, I already chose a name for this child. She'll share his same initials and be called Hope."

 

And each one in their own way took hold of their own hope, felt it come on all around them like the turning of the tide.

 

--*--

 

"We can rig up a nursery in the second shuttle, baby'll be safe there all day and ready should we need to move out quick. We can paint ducks on the ceiling." Kaylee was awash in the frilly ideas for raising a girl-child out in the black.

 

"Use my shuttle, since I'm still bunking there. I've been training girls a while longer than any of you might guess. I can take on day care duty." Inara seemed genuinely excited about the prospect.

 

"Hah! I'd be scared'a what lessons you been teachin' girls out there on Sihnon. I can see the trail of tots now, scootchin' crossed the cargo bay."

 

"Jayne!" Mal, Zoë and Simon snapped at once. The room fell to a fit of laughter, Inara leading them all.

 

"That would be a funny sight, but I'd stick with conventional lessons."

 

"I'll teach her to fly, like her father."

 

All heads turned to River, and Zoë cast her a solemn glance, then nodded. "You do that."

 

They passed around the last of the shu mai and strawberries. Fresh food would last through this visit to Paquin. Then despite the fact they were still in good stead, it'd be back to protein rations. Fresh food was hard to come by in the black.

 

"We'll land on Paquin tomorrow," Mal reminded them. "Six days of relaxin' and plenty coin to see us through and back flyin' for a spell. We'll need to come up with a plan for how we keep flyin' soon enough." Mal looked from Zoë to Inara, then took in the entire crew with a sweep of his gaze. "I have my own ideas, but I'll want to hear from everyone; even you, Jayne."

 

The silence stretched around them. Nobody could believe what they had heard.

 

Simon, long used to privilege, was first to recover. "The Alliance has a long memory and reach. They no longer list us as wanted, but that can't last. What we've done forces them to look aside for now, but they won't take loosing lightly." Simon looked at his sister, then back at the captain.

 

Zoë and Inara rose. "Sir, I think we should wait for the ride out to consider the grim future. We've got more important plans to make." She took Inara by the hand.

 

"Mal, your on clean up duty - don't leave the kitchen a mess or they'll be no bao at dinner." They left giggling like school girls, heads bent together.

 

Mal looked forlornly after them as the others went to their tasks.

 

"Cheer up - you ain't out the game yet old man." Jayne smacked him between the shoulders. "You talked to Zoë yet?"

 

"No." Mal shrugged; it came off with more whine then he'd intended.

 

"'Nara?"

 

"Her neither."

 

"<Ching-wah tsao duh liou mahng>, that leaves you standin' in <yi da tuo da bian>," Jayne laughed, shaking his head and headed off to the engine room to help Kaylee.

"What?" Mal looked off after Jayne as he laughed down the passageway.

 

--*--

Inara led the way to her shuttle.

 

"So...," Inara began, "I'm thinking we should take advantage of Paquin and plan something to honor your news. Some little ceremony, nothing elaborate." She waited, hoping her suggestion would not offend Zoë.

 

"I would love that, Inara. I need a reason to look to joy. <Xie xie>. You'll make my girl a fine auntie."

 

"I hope so.... But I don't have to teach her if you don't want me to."

 

"No its fine. Frankly if she wants to be a companion it would bring honor to Wash and me, but I would want her to decide for herself. She might fall toward Mal's way of thinkin' on the subject." Malcolm Reynolds was decidedly opposed to the notion that being a companion was honorable work.

 

"Zoë?"

 

"Uhmm?"

 

"How'd this happen?"

 

"The baby?" Zoë laughed, "surely there's whole volumes of study on the subject back there on Sihnon." She saw Inara looking back at her with all seriousness. "I wondered my own self, but I believe I've worked it out. Wash and I always used our controls to maintain ourselves, like everybody else, it was second nature. When I told him I was determined to have a child, period and the end I decided to forgo my trainin'. I left it only to him and his controls."

 

"The biofeedback training is simple enough once you learn to lower your body temperature specifically. Once you have the knack it never fails, unless something happens to alter your abilities or your mind."

 

"So it never occurred to me he would do otherwise without talking about it - for hours." Zoë smiled through bright tears. "I believe he must have come to his own undertandin'. He knew my mind well enough on the matter. I don't think he meant it to be a parting gift, though."

 

"He was ready to be a father."

 

"And now he'll be one." Her eyes filled again. "Damn girly hormones. Least now I know why I'm blubberin' morning and night."

 

"It will pass, you'll be our <xiong can sha shou> again soon enough." Inara came and placed a hand on Zoë's back. "No woman should loose her man the way you lost Wash."

 

Inara went to the trunk where her spare things had been stored while she was on Sihnon. "Sit down and let me brush those wild ringlets of yours." She found a sturdy brush and brought it over to the low couch where Zoë had arranged a few cushions on the floor. Inara sat behind Zoë on the couch.

 

"I ain't like your little pet Kaylee, I ain't used to all this fluff and fuss."

 

"I think you just have a tender scalp. Don't you go crying if I pull a bit."

 

Inara brushed Zoë's curls expertly, starting at the ends and working through the hair back towards the scalp.

 

"What we gon' do about Mal?" Zoë asked.

 

"I suppose that's up to you, Zoë. He's set on honoring his promise to Wash."

 

"He was so earnest, Inara. I promised I'd take his offer serious. And..." Zoë paused then continued. "Inara, I'm about to tell you something might upset a weaker woman, and I just want to give you fair warning, seein' as how your hands is deep in my hair and all." It was said lightly, but Zoë wasn't playing. She turned her head to check Inara's response.

 

Inara paused, considering. Whatever new revelations Zoë would bestow had to do with the web tangled around her and Mal and Zoë. But there was nothing for this road but to walk forward. "I'll try to leave your scalp intact. Go on."

 

Zoë straightened and Inara resumed brushing. "Mal loves you, Inara. He told me as much. But he told it when he was telling me how much he loves me. And he wants to be with you, I could tell it from before you left the ship. But he's convinced himself he's honor bound to look to me. And he's willing to let you go to do it."

 

The silence stretched as Zoë waited to see if Inara would respond, but no words would come to her, though her mind raced. Inara burshed methodically, studying the subtle shifts of color in Zoë's hair as if the hair itself would speak to her.

 

"There's somethin' there down deep that we never sussed out between me and Mal. Never had no reason before now is how it worked out."

 

Inara's hands froze, brush poised for between strokes.

 

"Could'a just told him no thanks, but I wasn't expecting him to claim to love me. And the way he said it. I didn't realize-all those years after the war an' we got out the valley, through internment and out the other side. Found this ship. We been together all that time and not one gorram word."

 

Inara's hands had fallen from Zoë's hair, paralyzed. She was no threat to her scalp or person. Inara listened and felt as though her life was flashing before her eyes.

 

Zoë turned and commanded their eyes to meet. Inara obeyed feeling like a fly in a spider's web. "All this time, I was thinking he was broken inside like I'd been so long, and maybe he was. But when Wash and I took up together and married, he was against it. Now I know why. And when he laid it all to bare before me, I kissed him. I kissed him and wasn't like no friendly kiss. And he kissed me back. And something in that kiss led me to believe I shouldn't try to die so I could be with Wash always and forever, if that's even how it all works out..."

 

"You and Mal kissed."

 

"We did." Zoë sounded to Inara like she was giving a field report, but her eyes were not detached, they flamed with passion.

 

"So you're going to accept his offer." Breathe. She couldn't breathe. It felt like she was being smothered in thick cloying mud that filled her nose, mouth lungs, yet she could still hear, still speak.

 

"No, Inara. No. It ain't that simple. Me and Wash, we always wanted the two of you to come to a meetin' of minds, and bodies."

 

"But I was a <you chou you ying> coward."

 

"I can't judge you for doing what you felt you had to do. I don't know your reasons."

 

"I do, and they aren't nearly as honorable."

 

"But you came back, even if just for Miranda, and you don't seem to be leavin'."

 

Inara broke the spell and tore her eyes from Zoë's.

 

"See, here's my problem, Inara. I've been with the captain through thick and thin and I'll be with him to the end. Don't matter which one of us steps down into his bunk come time to rest or play. I'll still be here until the gritty bitter end. Might be long or might end tomorrow, but I'll be here. Serenity's my home. And I could chose to be with Mal, but that's not what I want most.

 

"I can't ask you to make a life commitment, I ain't asking you that. I just want to know if you are planning to try. Cause if you ain't, if you[re planning on runnin' back to Sihnon and your girls, I can give him and me both someone to hold to during the long and lonesome stretches of nothin' out here in the black. And wouldn't be no pity there, wouldn't be no empty holdin'. There was all kind of promise in our kiss."

 

Zoë was brutal, her honesty. Inara felt as though she had been beaten. "I don't know," she whispered.

 

"<Fei hua>, "Nara. Be honest."

 

Tears clogged Inara's eyes and her throat closed trying to stifle her words. She thought of her situation, how she wasn't exactly who any of them thought she was, how she may not live to be there for all the time that Malcolm Reynolds would want her to be, how she might not be able to bare him a child. How she didn't care about anything except this moment in time, when this woman, this sister through so many trials, could take Mal from her forever with a word. She thought of Zoë, could see her in Mal's arms, the child, raised by Mal. She choked on salty tears at the thought. They could have that life, but only if she cast Mal's love aside. She'd done it once to leave Serenity. She wouldn't do so again.

 

"He's everything I've ever wanted," Inara sobbed.

 

"And will you stay with him, with us? Will you try?"

 

Inara looked at Zoë, whose love was won and lost so quickly, measured her courage to have love, to have a child, to live with her loss. Nothing's in our hands.

 

"I'll try," she sniffed.

 

Zoë rose to her knees and hugged Inara to her breast. Inara sank into the solace of her embrace, thinking how Hope Washburne would know the comfort and strength of this mother, praying those days would be long and that she would be a part of them throughout the years. Inara calmed to soothing, motherly sounds she never knew Zoë could make, as Zoë stroked her back and hair.

 

She heard Zoë whisper in her ear, "He won't ask more of you then that."

 

Zoë and Inara stood in a circle with their friends. Mal directly across from them, with Jayne, River, Kaylee and Simon in between. The trees that may or may not have resembled real willows from Earth-that-was dripped cool fronds of leaves around the open glade in an over-manicured park on their last day on Paquin.

 

Zoë looked like a queen, surrounded by an arbor swathed in a field of mauve flowers, draped in the dazzling dress she last wore to lay her husband to rest. She nervously smoothed the fabric over her still-slim belly; in another couple of weeks she wouldn't be able to squeeze the slinky fabric past her hips.

 

"You know I'm not big on flowery speeches, or flowery things of any sort." The friends laughed at her standing their framed in flowers. "You're my family. Saw me through the worst hell I've ever experienced. Twice." They knew she meant not simply loosing Wash, but the whole nightmare associated with Miranda, as well as the time they'd saved Wash and Mal from Nishka. "Some of you three times now." Her gaze fell on Mal and their eyes met vibrating a deep understanding.

 

"I asked you here to celebrate the first rays of light out of all that darkness. Its Hope. Hope Alleyne Washburne. The 'verse is a darksome, dangerous place. If we come 8 months hence still fairin' well, we'll celebrate her welcome into the world. For now, I'm grateful to welcome her into being, the little beam of life that brought me back to you all."

 

"I've written a poem, a song really, about earth that was. The words came to me and I swear was Wash who told 'em to me." Inara stepped forward and lit a candle. Holding the candle, she began to sing.

 

Have you heard the silent night

The earth is always singing
Praises of the morning sun
Even before morning
And the whole world is singing of
It's beauty all day long
And even the quiet dark
That silence is a song

Weep not for the day of gray
For the heavens are not weeping
The roses are still red and gay
They are even blooming
And the whole world is singing of
It's beauty all day long
And even the quiet dark
That silence is a song
That silence is a song

 

Then Inara passed the candle to Zoë and each one in turn gave their pledge to Hope:

 

"I wish for my daughter to know of her father. To be loved by her family - that's all you. To be free in the 'verse to be her own woman. To walk proud, love hard and live long." Zoë's eyes shone with tears as she passed the candle to River.

 

"My wish for Hope is wisdom. I'll be her tutor and teach her every kind of learning in the 'verse, and to fly," River promised.

 

"I'll teach her 'bout weapons and fightin'. Seems like a mother aught not have to teach killin' to her own daughter." Jayne passed the candle quickly on.

 

"Integrity, honor and bravery. I'll show her why those things are all wrapped up in her mother," said Mal. "And I'll do whatever I can to make her mother happy in this world." Mal looked up into Zoë's eyes to find his best friend's eyes spilling tears and laughter. Hunh.....

 

"I'll teach her of the inner planets, so no place in the 'verse will take her by surprise." Kaylee kissed Simon for his contribution, then added her piece.

 

"Happiness and joy. I'll teach li'l Hope to enjoy the shiny simple things, and to fix anything in the 'verse," Kaylee beamed.

 

"And I'll be whatever you want me to be for her. I can open doors for her on any planet in the core worlds. The Guild will never turn their back on a request from me. Should anything happen to Serenity, she'll want for nothing."

 

Inara passed the candle to Zoë, who set it in a holder on the little bench and reach for and squeezed the hands of Inara and River, who were closet to her. Mal walked across the grass and picked Zoë up, twirling her in a circle. He ended facing toward Jayne who gave him a nod that said "go on, now," while Zoë looked over his shoulder to Inara and winked.

 

Mal spoke low so only Zoë could hear, "I'd like to speak with you for we jump off this rock." Zoë answered by walking away from the glade, stopping only to check whether Mal followed.

 

--*--

 

Zoë moved through the draping greenery and flowers to find a circle of stone benches a ways off from the others, who were already going off to seek the last pleasures of Paquin. Inara was the last one standing in the glade, watching Mal approaching her, then departing through the trees. Mal caught up to Zoë and reached for her hand.

 

She hesitated, then allowed him to lead her to a bench. She sat on the cool stone while Mal stood over her, studying her features as if for the first time. He turned and sat beside her and let out a sigh.

 

"That bad, sir?"

 

"Indeed. Worse."

 

"I can make this easy for you."

 

Mal nodded, "I know. I don't want you to."

 

"You just say the word."

 

"I had a lot of time to think this week since you and Inara spent most of the time here thick as thieves."

 

"Can't go drinkin', nor fightin'-which usually ends up the same where your concerned. We went and found things for the baby, I took Hope 'round all those touristy-type attractions Wash always went on about. Even let Inara drag me to a museum or two. How come you and Jayne didn't start no brawls?"

 

"It's Paquin. I can be civilized. 'Sides, a fellow finds himself auditioning for the role of daddy, some things just don't seem quite so hilarious."

 

"That explains you."

 

"I ain't the only one aimin' to save li'l Zoë from a lonely life."

 

Zoe felt bile rise in the back of her throat. "Spare me the details, sir."

 

"Any chance you might leave off calling me sir, Zoë?"

 

"That'll depend."

 

"On what?"

 

Zoë took a deep breath. Time to dive in. She reached for his hand.

 

"Mal, I come to an understanding with Inara just 'fore we landed. But, I need to hear from you before I commit to my decision. I've had a lot of time alone to wander this planet and think about things. There's a lot of past between us and so much never got touched on."

 

"We went through the valley and came out alive, survived internment. It's like we were born anew," Mal spoke with sadness, he looked off into the distance, seeing the past.

 

Zoë could tell he was recalling those days, she remembered when he'd learned of what became of Shadow, how the Alliance made an example of his home planet. How his mother was among those killed in the process, just so much dust clogging the surface, making the planet that much more uninhabitable.

 

"No family, no home, no resources, no place in the 'verse. What we have, we made together."

 

Mal nodded, but didn't speak.

 

"I know my mind, Mal, but I have to hear from you before I say it. I look back now on the days when you first bought Serenity. You don't know I nearly walked away then, I figured you had lost what little last sense you had held onto after all that time in torment. I recall laying besides you on the floor in the galley, hopin' noting would creep out a hole and bite me, or drop something nasty on top of me, while you talked about bright plans and futures. I knew the future you saw depended on me being in it, but...why didn't you tell me then how you felt?"

 

"Cause I didn't feel then! It was just put one foot in front of t'other, survive to show the Alliance they couldn't win. I thought when I asked you to come with me you knew that was all I had left to give. I didn't have enough care left in me to see you needed to be treated like a woman. I don't even know I seen you as a woman 'tall. I had lost myself, Zoë. Serenity brung me back. I thought there would be time to find us once I found myself."

 

"But I found Wash first."

 

"To be truthful, I found him first. You just fell in love with him."

 

"Details, details." Zoë smiled. She had so rarely smiled before Wash came to Serenity. Had hardly smiled since.

 

Mal reached up and touched the corner of her mouth. A tear rolled down and met his finger. "I didn't do much to keep a smile on your face. I was so gorram mad at you for falling for him. You couldn't stand his skinny when he first came on the boat."

 

"Had that terrible soup-catcher." Zoë laughed more tears down her cheeks.

 

"He shaved if off for you, you know."

 

"I dunno what I woulda done had he not come on the boat-or had he left that raccoon tail on his upper lip. Maybe we woulda found each other, or maybe I'd be racking with Jayne."

 

That got the desired snort from Mal. "Nearly took his head of for offering to give you a tumble."

 

"Thanks for the image, sir - Mal," Zoë corrected. "I'da probably turned to you after time had healed us more than those raw, rough days. But we can't turn the clock back. We can only walk forward."

 

"That's true, Zoë. This is about the here and now. You know I would do anything for you." Mal laid a hand on her knee and turned to look her full in the eyes. "Anything for you an' our li'l Hope."

 

Zoë's eyes flashed at the thought of her daughter, wanderin' through the ship, hand firmly in Malcolm's. She swore she could feel a double pulse, if only for a moment.

 

"Mal, Wash is still my husband and I have everything I ever wanted right here," Zoe patted her abdomen, tracing a circle over the place where Wash's ghost had marked her. "My luck holds, I'll see her born and raised. There'll be time to find out what else I might want. If your longin' to be with Inara, that'll sit fine with me. But if this," she gestured to herself, "this here's what you want - well, I'm a pirate afterall and I can't say my word is golden. So right here and now, tell me the truth. What is it you want?"

 

Zoe could see Inara's face sobbing and choking, struggling to just say the gorram words that would bring her heart's desire. She blinked away Inara's face and concentrated on Mal,watching the muscles in his jaw work. Truth or duty?

 

"I'm honor-bound, Zoe. Don't matter what I want."

 

", I didn't ask about your sense of honor! Just answer the gorram question!"

 

Mal hung his head as if admitting a sin, "Inara."

 

"Well. That's what I thought." Zoe rose and started back through the trees toward the park entrance. She turned to Mal, still standing with his mouth open, muttering to himself, and reached out her hand. "You comin'?"

 

--*--

 

Inara strolled back through the trees to the park entrance. She found a seat under a tree with fan-shaped leaves the size of her palm. A woman played hang drum and sang, the haunting sounds soothed her. But could not dispel her fear. She felt frozen in time.

 

She trusted Zoe, but that was part of the problem. This wasn't just between the two of them. It was about the three of them. Mal had his own mind. Now that she had found the courage to choose, would Mal? And what was there to guarantee he would choose her over Zoe.

 

She looked up to see them walking hand in hand, comfortable, familiar. Her heart broke. And yet, they were coming toward her. Zoe smiling through tears - still crying. They waved to her and rushed in her direction, Mal leading, Zoe falling back. Mal not letting Zoe go.

 

Inara stood to meet them, drawn to the look in Mal's eyes, so determined. As he reached her he swept her up with his right arm and gathered her into a kiss - still holding Zoe's hand.

 

Mal pulled away from her - Zoe laughing, probably at the shocked look on her face, maybe at her own embarrassment. They had certainly caused a bit of a show.

 

"Mal?"

 

"Zoe had unfair advantage, having kissed me an' all."

 

"He's easily confuddled," Zoe added, earning a soft punch in the shoulder. "Ow, sir."

 

Inara stared at Zoe, open mouthed.

 

"I still want to do for Zoe, and will - if you're willing to stand beside me when I do it, that'd make me all kinds of happy."

 

Take my love, take my land
Take me where I cannot stand ...

I don't care, I'm still free
You can't take the sky from me
Take me out to the black
Tell them I ain't comin' back
Burn the land and boil the sea
You can't take the sky from me
There's no place I can be
Since I found Serenity
But you can't take the sky from me...