When we were in love

I was pretty oblivious. Prom night was the night I knew for sure. After you'd rescued me and kept me safe. I knew that I was in love with you. I'm not sure if I knew or cared that you felt the same. All that mattered to me was that you knew how I felt about you; how I've always felt.

Leslie is holding my wrist too tightly and smiling too much. Her mama loves to take pictures and I roll my eyes every time she goes to grab another disposable camera and empties the roll of film.

"Alright, that's enough, Mom!" Leslie says and relaxes out of her pageant pose.

"Hold on. Just let me..." Mrs. Nowden goes for another camera.

"No! You have over hundred pictures of us. We need to go so we can grab a table."

"Okay, I'm sorry. It's just not everyday your only daughter goes off to prom." Mrs. Nowden sniffles and makes us all feel uncomfortable.

"Yvette, calm your butt down. She's just going to prom, not getting married." Leslie's step-dad, Robert, rolls his eyes at his wife.

"Oh, hush up, Robert." She waves him away and turns to us. "Now, I want y'all back before midnight. No drinking, smoking, sex—"

"Mom, geez!" Leslie puts her hands over her face and groans. "We've got it. Can we please go?"

She kisses both of our cheeks and sends us out the door. She hands Leslie the keys to her newly detailed Honda. "Have a great time, girls!" She waves until we back out the driveway and disappear down the street.

"Lord, she's so embarrassing." Leslie says.

"At least you got out the door before she started the sex talk."

She cringes. "Sorry, girl."

When the school comes into view I shrink into my seat. It's not a long drive from Leslie's house and I wish it'd been longer. I adjust my dress and pull the visor down to inspect my make-up in the small mirror.

"You look great." Leslie assures me.

That's easy for her to say because she's gorgeous and she knows it. I, on the other hand, have a hard time seeing the beauty on the outside. I know I'm beautiful within, but the mirrors haven't agreed with me in the years since puberty. My breasts are heavy, my waist isn't small and I have just enough of a butt to keep the other black kids at school from talking bad about me. I always hid my body in my hoodie and jeans but tonight all of the assets I'd try to conceal are on full display in the strapless turquoise dress that hits just above my knees. Leslie curled my hair and piled it on top of my head. She had tried to get me to wear a tiara but I had to draw the line somewhere. I let her experiment with make-up and thankfully my skin is clear enough to where I only need eye shadow, lip gloss and a hint of blush on my cheeks.

I have to admit, I do look great.

Leslie jerks the car to a stop when she finally finds a parking spot and I wobble in my heels when I step out.

"These are going to take some getting used to." I say and balance myself before I try to take another step. I feel like I'm walking on stilts and should be in the middle of the Barnum and Bailey circus.

"Just hold onto me." Leslie takes my arm and we stroll as smoothly as possible into the school gym.

I pull out my ticket and hand it to the freshmen who gave me a tardy citation for being late to class the other day. I glare down at the kid because I'm at least 6 inches taller than him in my heels now. His eyes are wide with shock and his mouth looks glued shut. I dare him with my eyes to say something. When he doesn't, I keep on walking.

The gym isn't completely transformed. I can still tell it's the same dingy, dust ridden gym that our school funding should have paid to renovate years ago. It looks a little nicer, though, with the lights dim and miles of hanging lights in assorted colors hanging from the ceiling. Someone pulled out a section of the bleachers, even though there are a plethora of places to sit at the tables strategically scattered around.

I look at the number on my ticket that tells us what table we're placed and I let Leslie continue to lead me. I'm not ready for a solo flight just yet.

I suddenly feel self-conscious as I make my way around other tables, like everyone in the room is watching me. I hate when people gawk. I want to tell them to take a picture, but I've had enough picture-taking for many years to come.

When we finally reach our seats, I hurriedly sit and slink down into it. I wish I could disappear into the ugly vinyl.

"Kendal, don't look so uncomfortable!" Leslie says from across the table.

"I can't help it." I say through gritted teeth and rub my bare shoulders.

She rolls her eyes and stands. "Well, I'm gonna get a drink. Want one?"

I shake my head and continue to rub at my shoulders. I watch her saunter away, completely confident in herself and her attire. I wish I could say the same. I search the room, just looking. I'm not really looking for anything or anyone in particular...okay, I'm looking for Keoni. I've never seen him in a suit before and I'm sure he looks devastatingly handsome.

"Why so lonely, beautiful?"

Of all the times to annoy me, Jackson had to pick now. I'm daydreaming about Keoni in a suit and here he comes ruining it. I look up, about to dismiss him, but stop short when a full bloomed rose obstructs my view.

"Wow, Kendal, you look amazing." He says breathlessly and hands me the long stemmed flower.

"Go away, Jackson." I stand up, ready to make my escape and find Leslie, but I moved too fast. I'm tripping in slow motion. I can feel my knees buckling and the floor coming closer. I close my eyes and brace myself for the fall, and the impact but it never comes.

Strong arms are around me and I open my eyes to see Jackson wolfishly smiling down upon me. I want him to let me go but I can't move in the position I'm in, especially with these damn heels. I'm going to throws these at Leslie's head once this night is over.

"Kendal, I'm sorry for the other day. I just...I like you. And I guess I just got sick of being rejected. I didn't know what else to do."

I push away from his chest and finally right myself, smoothing out my dress and making sure my hair is still intact. "Thank you, Jackson. And apology accepted."

Apology isn't really accepted but I see sincerity in his eyes and that makes me more willing to try and accept it.

"Will you...dance with me?"

Can I really decline after he just saved my life? I can, but I opt to be nice for just one dance. It's the least I can do, I guess.

The music pumps through the huge speakers, situated in front of the makeshift dance floor. The deejay to my left is in a world of his own, playing the latest hits that I can't stand. I'm an old fashion girl. I love music from every decade except this one. Although, I'll take any song as long as it's not slow. I don't want to get unnecessarily close to Jackson.

When the music changes and begins to slow, I groan inwardly. God seems to have developed a sense of humor tonight.

Jackson beams and holds out his arms, like I'm just going to walk right into them.

"Above the waist, only." I point at him, sternly. "If I feel your hands sliding lower I'll give you a swift kick."

"No touchy, touchy."

But the way he says it makes me think he really will ‘touchy, touchy' me if I'm not careful. I suck it up for one dance.

We sway to the rhythm, or at least I try to get him to sway. He's moving way too fast, on the up beat of the song instead of the down beat. I want this dance to end quickly because I can smell his cologne which is sugary sweet and extremely overpowering. I feel him pull me closer and roll my eyes but I don't stop him. Just a few more seconds and I'll never have to be this close to him ever again.

"You look very beautiful tonight." He whispers into my ear and goose bumps form up my left side. It annoys me that I've reacted involuntarily. I squirm in his arms and he takes this as his cue to make a move. He kisses right under my earlobe and I immediately pull away.

"Jackson." I put my hands on my hips and glare at him.

"What?" He looks so innocent but I know better. "What'd I do?"

I shake my head and walk away shakily. I've had enough of this crap. I need to go to the bathroom and try to wipe his scent off of me.

The hallway leading toward the bathroom is dark. As I make my way farther away from the gym, I can hear my heels clicking against the linoleum floor. It sounds like gunshots when it's quiet. The sounds of prom are lost as I continue my journey through the dark abyss. I look over my shoulder quickly because I think I hear something. I'm so paranoid. I'm too old to be afraid of the boogie man. It's nothing but my imagination but I know I should have waited for Leslie to go with me.

I let out a squeal when a hand lands on my shoulder. I whip around and it's Jackson. I roll my eyes and turn to walk away .

"Kendal? Why are you being so mean to me?" He holds my shoulder tighter to keep me in place. His touch is unwelcomed and I wish he'd remove his hand from my skin.

"Just leave me alone, Jackson."

"No. I want to know what your fuckin' problem is."

My eyes widen and I'm stunned into silence. Since when did he cuss and at me? I've had just about enough of these mood swings with him.

"My freakin' problem is you. You just can't take a hint. Well, I'm going to tell you point blank. I do not like you; romantically or otherwise. I didn't want to hurt your feelings but Jackson, you went too far kissing me in there."

He rolls his eyes and steps closer, which prompts me to take a step back.

"Maybe if you'd open yourself up, you'd see that we'd be good together."

I'm beginning to feel afraid. I don't hear anyone or anything over my own breathing. I don't like being alone with Jackson, even though I'm sure I can take him down. Regardless, I don't like this caged in feeling.

I move to step around him but he blocks my path. I move to the other side and he does it again.

"Jackson, move out of my way." I punctuate each word and try to stand up taller, even though I'm no where near his height.

"Just one kiss, Kendal. That's all I'm asking for and if you don't feel anything, I'll leave you alone."

"No. Now, move." I push at his chest but he's unmoved.

Jackson goes to cup my face. I turn away and whip my hand out instinctively. I connect with his cheek and the echo of the slap resounds throughout the empty hall. We both freeze. I haven't put my hands on another person in anger since Keoni. And it's then that I wish he were here.

"Take—" I begin but I'm quickly interrupted.

"Your hands off of her, Fletcher."

It's Keoni and I sigh with relief.

I'm finally able to get out of Jackson's hold. I side step him and continue on my way to the bathroom like nothing ever happened. When I reach my destination, I let a few tears fall. I've never been so uncomfortable in my entire life and I know now that I'll never be able to look Jackson or Keoni in the face without remembering the horrible feelings. But I know I have to face them and thank Keoni for what he did.

Ten minutes later, I've composed myself and relieved my bladder. I poke my head out of the swinging door and don't see any sign of either boy. I cautiously make my way back toward the gym.

"What the hell were you thinking?" Keoni asks from behind.

I'm not surprised that he's still there but I am surprised I completely missed him before.

I contemplate turning around because I know I'm going to see anger written all over his face. I can hear it in his voice already. He's completely pissed off. When I'm finally facing him, the only thing I can think of is that I was completely right in my earlier daydream.

He is devastatingly handsome in his tailored suit.

"I didn't think I was going to get sexually harassed in the school hallway. I'll be more careful next time." I say sarcastically and begin to turn away.

"Kendal." His softened voice stops me in my tracks. "Are you all right?"

I can only nod as he pulls me into an embrace that penetrates my soul. Warmth flows all the way down to my toes and back up again. I always feel comfort when I'm with Keoni but for the first time, I feel safe. His fingertips trail up my back, caressing gently. Without thinking, I sigh and mold myself against him. We've hugged before but never this close or for this long.

Its intimate and I like it.

The lapels of his suit smell amazing. The spicy clean scent reminds me of being in the jungle of my backyard; where vines hang, trees hundreds of years old stand and there's a worn path where Keoni and I have played tag. A smile plays on my lips as I think of all the times we used to chase each other around in that wooded area as kids or how we'd held séances out there when we got older.

It's then that I realize he's in almost every memory I have since I was seven.

It's always been him.

I push away from his body and look up. His face has relaxed and eyes are as dark as onyx stones. I've never seen them so shaded before but I like it. It's so sexy. It's so...Keoni.

"Keoni, I...thank you."

He doesn't respond back but he continues to watch me. Scratch that, he's no longer looking at me, he's looking through me. He's searching my eyes for something. I don't know what but when his head dips and his lips ascend upon mine, I'm sure that he's found it. He found me. I found him.

We found each other.

That was the singular most exhilarating moment of my life. When we kissed, the world fell away and it was just the two of us.

"Do you remember?" I say to the stone slab, as if Keoni can hear me from underneath the ground.

His headstone is granite and carved on it is a dove above his date of birth and death. The epitaph below reads:

Each life is like a letter of the alphabet. Alone
it can be meaningless. Or, like his beautiful
years with us, it can be part of a great meaning.

I still don't understand that meaning and I have a feeling I never will. I maintain my stance that he was taken from me too soon but no one seems to want to argue for the affirmative. That's okay; I know Keoni would agree with me, if he were here. He's been gone 2 years ago now and I can still feel him — his arms wrapped around me, holding me close. His sweet kisses will always be with me. He'll always be with me.

"It was always you, you know that?" I kiss my index finger and lay it on his name.

A quick gust of warm air whips past my cheek for a moment and I close my eyes while a smile engulfs my face.

He knows.