Sunday mornings were always the same.

Booze.

Music.

Cigarettes.

Broken hopes and unfulfilled dreams.

There was us, there was Addison, there was Ryan, there was Taylor, there was there was James and there was Lucas . All together in one room our secrets and regrets lingered through us, through the words on of the pages in our tragic filled notebooks and through the guitars that our fingers controlled hardly did we laugh, somewhere along the way we had forgotten what happiness was on Sundays mornings our eyes remained half closed as the hazy memories of the night before clouding our minds. We all had dreams but no motivation to chase after them, until he died...

On a Sunday afternoon a cigarette in his hand booze in the cup holder he was driving 30 over the speed limit and a smile on his face, it was sunny that day not a hint of clouds in the sky. He knew what he was doing when he ran into Jeff's truck

Suicide. 

I heard them say it was an accident but I knew better, I had always known better I laid holding my pillow, the one he laid on 3 days before the faint smell of his favorite cologne lingered on it. I had found out that morning, Taylor had showed up at my window wet and haggard looking from the heavy rain. He told me the news avoiding my eyes I laid on the bed on my stomach my fingers against my lips as if I wanted to bite them, to stop my pounding head and swift beating heart, something to distract me something to tell me that this wasn't real I had seen him moments before he was smiling his crooked knowing smile. I knew he was up to something but I never questioned him, instead I giggled as he hugged me tightly and gave me long loving kisses. We were in love he would never leave, all the times he had talked about his death was real. He made it all a reality.

   I held the tears in as Taylor rubbed my back, we stayed like that just me and Taylor and our best friend on our mind. After awhile I dismissed him I wanted to be alone. I turned and watched the sun rise. In hell he was watching the same sun rise I hope. I wondered if he thought of me, I thought of our first time, the way he touched me, kissed me and whispered his stumbled nervous words. I had giggled at him that night he nerves eased me. I was so in love no one could remove from this high that was meant to last for the rest of our lives...together.

   But now our dreams were shattered and broken like a beautiful broken vase dropped by a clumsy mistake and these was turning back, fate had did its job and now I wanted it to be fired. That morning I laid in bed I listened to mom and dad get up and make their breakfast and sip their coffee.

      Everything was normal for them, they had no clue that their daughter was suffering in torment. The phone rang at 8:48 that morning with the news. Once the phone had ringed and my mother's loud grasp had filled the house, the tears had begun to fall and soon the sob invaded my body the ache in my heart had spread. It filled my body with bitterness and a sweet sorrow, I was relieved deep in my bones, James was free from the pent up pain that he released on my body every night.

       I leaned my face into the pillow quieting my sobs. I listened to the soft chatter of my parents. My mom voice was wavering, she had always liked James "a good kid born into the wrong family" she always said with a shake of her head and a gleam in her eye.

       My father had a certain respect for James. He never watched him with a stern eye like he did with the rest of my friends. He had trusted James. It was best his ignorance of James double life has remained in the dark. No one had ever smelled the cigarette stained lies that crossed his tongue and rested in people's eyes like smooth unknown poison.

        We laughed at the foolish people that fell for the beauty of James and the smile that had so many times won him out of trouble. Now all of it had ended. A simple action had altered our lives forever. As my mother and fathers soft chatter drifted in the house I held my pillow tight with his scent, along with his memories and drifted into a tortured sleep, I had yet to come to terms that with this simple act our lives were about to be altered forever. 

That day went by in a blur.

The funeral I mean, I remember a lot of tears, grim faces and red.

Red was his favorite color everyone wore red I wore white, the white dress he loved, the one I gave myself to him in remember the smooth feel of the cotton as he lifted my dress up to my thighs his rough calloused hands gently on roaming my skin his hands hungry for my love and sharp pain that filled my body when he entered me his fingers eased the guilty pain that he had caused me. It was the moment in my life that I was truly happy. That moment was what held my tears and became the warmth that covered the chill that had taken over my body since he had died.

      It was cold that day I remember my mother had tried to get me to wear tights but I wouldn't, I had refused I wanted to wear it the way I had wore that night. That night was all I had left to hold on to with him. Next to that moment everyday was a blur his burial, the tears, the condolences everything.

     Nothing was real I wanted to wake up and tell him about my dream but when I got home and stared at the empty house that will never be filled with his presence, I had found myself on the bed with the dress on, hugging that pillow that smelled of him and the tears I shredded. James was gone forever.

 The days had followed had remained the same a blur, Sundays weren't the same the booze was there, the music, and our grim faces hidden by cigarette smoke but there was no James to fill that extra empty corner with his body and his guitar there was no else hiding our secret together another the smiles on faces that held our secret was gone.

 No one except Taylor knew about me and James, I wanted to keep it that way complications come when you're in love with one of your best friends. It was known that Addie was in love with James and I carried the guilt of her not knowing about us and her bad habit of flirting with him deepen my guilt. "Do you need anything?" my mother had peeked her head through the door her body hidden only her wild crazy curly hair was seen; it was so dark in my room. I shook my head thinking she could see me. I could faintly see her eyes get smaller as she looked in my direction, she didn't see my head shake in fact I had come to the conclusion that she had thought I was asleep. With a sad sigh she removed her head and closed the door gently. The tears came and soon the sobs and soon everything was blank.