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Ryan Leslie's "You're Not My Girl" blasted through my television speakers. That song hit so close to home that I began to cry. Is this really how it's gonna be? Does it have to stay like this? I wanted nothing more than to feel his arms around me again.
We are friends. Me and him. I lost my virginity to him, but don't mistake that for misplaced affection. I knew what I was doing and that's what I wanted. I felt nothing for him then anyway. A lot different then what I feel now. We met the summer of '08. I was at the sweet age of 17. Yup. 2 LONG years ago. I can honestly say that my affection for him has come and gone. Some moments lasted longer than others.
I mean, I've always liked the guy. Always. I just thought we had so much in common. I was SO happy that he wasn't like one of the idiots I attended school with. He's so smart. And SO good-looking. It's hard to find a guy like that these days. We used to talk everyday. We still talk to each other time and again.
The only reason I feel so heartbroken at the moment is because of the last time we met up. A couple of days ago, he invited me to spend the night at his house. (ONLY spend the night. Not a rendez-vous....besides...I was PMSing anyway.) I went only because my mother and her stupid drunk boyfriend wouldn't get off my case. I don't know how many times I have to explain to them that I deserve some respect? But, let's not get into that right now.
Anyway, I went to his house and we caught up about what's been going on . We laughed and shared a couple of jokes. I told him what was going on with my family and friends. He asked me about a lot of things. Ya know, just a normal conversation. So then, we fell asleep. I gotta say, I haven't felt that relaxed in a LONG time. The most amazing part about that night was actually in the morning.
He woke me up. Oh my god, I will never forget how he did it. He leaned over and caressed my arm. Then he caressed my face. He must've been watching me sleep. It's just that his facial expression was so serene. He looked so happy just to see me there with him. I felt happy. I didn't think it could get any better than that. It just felt so intimate even though we didn't have sex. I think that's what I loved the most about that night. It was like we didn't need carnal relations as an excuse to touch each other or to care about each other or something. (It's kind of hard to explain. I'm only 19, ya know.)
My point is, I've been patient. SO patient that I almost gave up on him and moved on to someone else. When I tried to, guess what? We start talking again. It was so weird. It was like there was some invisible force that just made my heart feel for him again. Don't get me wrong. I'm not just some stupid kid who falls in love with the first guy who pays attention her. (Hell. NO. That's freakin' stupid.) I'm a person who likes to plan everything. I'm not spontaneous at all. I just wish I had some sort of sign that he wanted me besides physically.
I'm really at a standstill right now. I don't know whether I should tell him how I feel and ruin a perfectly good friendship or to just keep it to myself the way I've been doing for the past year. I only know that if I do decide to keep it to myself, I'll never know how he feels about me AND this feeling that makes me want to tell him is just going to come back and bite me in the ass. AGAIN.
The song really hit home. I think because at one point I knew for a fact he felt this way, but I didn't know if it was directed towards me or not. And that's what scares me the most....