Wisdom and Regret

Gregory impatiently tapped his pen on the desk as he waited for Matheson to arrive at his office. He had dismissed his secretary for the day and no one else was there. He looked at his watch and saw that it was after five. Matheson had promised him that he would meet him at five. He wanted privacy when he talked to his son. He did not want any interruptions.

Matheson had been distant lately which was unlike him. He always stopped by the house to visit at least once a week. Something was most definitely up. At first there had been the announcement that he and Val were moving the wedding up from the original October date to June. Now Matheson had told him that they had decided to change it back to the original October date. When he had questioned his son he had merely replied that Val wasn't quite ready for marriage.

On top of all this, Matheson had been conveniently busy, and he knew that his son was avoiding both he and Emily. Of course, he told them that things were hectic at the store, which was true, and that he was tired which may also be true, but Gregory knew his son. He knew that Matheson was avoiding them because Matheson knew that he and his mother could read him like a book, and he most likely did not want to discuss what was really going on. Matheson could never hide things from them for very long, and he knew that they would ask him about the change of plans- plus, he was a terrible liar.

Gregory sighed, wondering if the two lovebirds had gotten into some sort of a fight, or if they had just gotten cold feet. He knew that Matheson was suddenly putting in longer hours at the store, and that worried him. He didn't want his son overworking himself, only to end up with more blood pressure issues. He knew that he couldn't come right out and confront him over the phone, so he asked him to come by the office because of a problem with the Cedar Crest Mall store. It wasn't a lie. The Cedar Crest store sales had increased forty five percent, and he needed to hire additional help.

He heard footsteps approaching his office and Gregory knew that Matheson had arrived. Gregory tried to hide his initial shock at Matheson's appearance when he walked into the office. His son appeared exhausted and Gregory resisted the urge to chastise Matheson as he watched his son run his hand through his hair.

Matheson gave his father a forced smile and Gregory reluctantly did the same. He noticed that his eyes were bloodshot and baggy. He looked as if he hadn't slept in days.

"Son, you're overworking yourself." Gregory said, pointing to a chair for him to sit down. "I called you down here to talk about the Cedar Crest Mall store, but now I'm not so sure that I did the right thing. You look as if you could use another vacation, not additional headaches."

Matheson laughed. "I'm fine Dad. Things have just been hectic lately." He rubbed his eyes and would not meet his father's stare.

Gregory studied him a moment before speaking. "How's Val?" He asked, finally.

Matheson shifted in his seat and glanced around the room. "She's fine." He replied, clearing this throat, he rushed to continue. "Look, I may be able to spare some of my part time help for the Cedar Crest store. A couple of my part time people are looking for full time employment. They are hard, dependable workers and I think that they will jump at the opportunity."

He pulled out his phone and then began to write their names and numbers on a piece of paper that he tore from the yellow legal pad on his father's desk. "I can call them right now if you'd like," he said, not looking up.

"We can take care of that later." Gregory replied. "I want to talk to you about something else."

Matheson sat back in the chair in front of his father's desk and crossed his legs. He didn't want to talk about Val, and tried not to meet his father's stare. Matheson knew that his father was wondering why they had postponed the wedding for a couple of months and wasn't quite sure how he was going to get around his father's questions.

Gregory studied his son a moment. He could tell that he was uncomfortable because Matheson knew where this conversation was headed. He knew that Matheson was avoiding the issue by changing the subject.

Gregory picked up the piece of paper Matheson had scribbled on, studying it. He folded the paper and put it in his coat pocket. He then cleared his throat, giving his son a serious stare. "Now, are we going to pussy foot around or are you going to tell me what's really going on? You've been avoiding your mother and I for almost two weeks, and you tell her on the phone that you and Valysia are postponing the wedding when just a month ago, you moved it up from October to June? What's this all about?"

Matheson shifted in his seat and pulled out his phone to check for messages. "Nothing to tell Dad. We both have a lot going on-"

"Cut the crap!" Gregory snapped at his son. "I'm your father. I know when I'm being bullshitted-especially when it's you. Now, I will ask you again, what's going on?"

Matheson sighed. "I'd really rather not talk about it."

"I see." Gregory replied, sitting back in his chair. "Don't tell me she cheated on you?"

Matheson didn't reply, and stared down at the phone in his hands.

"You've got to be kidding!" Gregory replied at his reaction, clearly shocked.

"Look, Dad I told you I didn't want to talk about it." Matheson snapped. "She didn't actually sleep with another man, but she let him…take liberties with her. Let's just leave it at that."

"No, let's not!" Gregory said, raising his voice. "You look like hell; you're working yourself into an early grave. You need to talk to somebody. Why not me?"

Matheson was irritated even though his father was right. He didn't have anyone else that he was close enough with to discuss this situation with. Still, he didn't want to talk about Val's infidelity with his father. More than likely his father would tell him to leave her, and Matheson didn't want to hear that. He could see however, that his father was not going to let the matter rest until he came clean.

"She claimed that she thinks something may have been slipped into her drink when she was out with her cousin." He then reluctantly told his father the whole story.

"Well, did you check her story out?" Gregory asked, after he had finished. "Val seems as straight-laced as they come. I've heard about these date drugs that guys slip in on unsuspecting women. She's lucky that she didn't end up in the hospital!"

"She should never have gone there in the first place!" Matheson snapped. "Her cousin ended up getting raped! That could have happened to her."

"Let me get this straight." Gregory replied leaning on his desk. "You're postponing the wedding because some guy tried to take advantage of your woman and you're jealous; or are you postponing the wedding because Val is traumatized about what happened to her cousin?"

Matheson looked away. "It's complicated."

"Son, what's really bothering you?" Gregory asked. "It's obvious to me that you need someone to talk to. From the looks of you, I can see that you haven't been sleeping, and probably not eating much either. The stress will affect your health. I'm your father. I love you, you know that. Come on now, let's talk."

Matheson fidgeted in his seat and cleared his throat. What the hell? He had to talk to somebody!

"I just can't see how she could let this happen." He said finally.

"She let it happen?" his father replied, surprised. "You think she wanted someone to take advantage of her?"

"That's not what I'm saying-"

"That's exactly what you're saying, Matheson. I suppose her cousin let herself get raped too, right?"

"You're twisting my words!" he growled. "If she had never gone there, this would never have happened."

Gregory knew that Matheson was irritated, but he refused to back down.

"No I'm not twisting your words. You don't want to admit it, but you are blaming Val because she went out without you and talked to another man, which could have started out as being perfectly innocent. I think I see the problem here. I've been wondering all along what was going on in that head of yours, and I think I've finally figured it out. You're scared shitless. Admit it!"

"What?" Matheson replied surprised that it appeared that his father, who didn't want him to marry Val in the first place, was now taking her side!

"You're afraid." His father continued. "First, things didn't work out with you and that girl Ivy; and before Ivy, things never worked out for you and any other women you've been involved with. Your relationships have never lasted longer than a few months. I never could figure it out. Now you've latched on to Valysia. You seem to have fallen madly in love with her overnight. You find out she's a virgin and suddenly, you're in a mad rush to get married. Now that some other man has put his hands on her or whatever he did-she's now damaged goods that you don't want anymore."

"That's not true." Matheson replied angrily, jumping up from his seat. "I love her! "

"Oh really? " Gregory replied unconvinced. "Then what's the problem?"

Matheson was quiet for a moment and then sat back down. "There are just some things I have to figure out."

"Like I said, you're scared shitless." Gregory concluded.

"I'm not scared" Matheson protested.

"Alright, Son." His father replied seriously. "So tell me why you want to change the date."

Matheson stared at his father. "You would never understand."

"Try me"

Matheson sighed and looked at his hands. "I just feel that, since she went to that club while I was away, that perhaps she went there looking for something….something that I wasn't providing. Maybe she feels that I'm lacking in some way, and since I was out of town, she used the opportunity to go out and seek what she needed from someone else."

Gregory raised an eyebrow. "Why on earth would you think something like that? Has she seemed dissatisfied, or has she been holding out on you sexually? Before this incident, did you feel that you weren't satisfying her? Did she seem unhappy?"

"No" Matheson confessed. "I thought we were very happy."

"Then explain yourself." Gregory pressed. "You were out of town…her cousin invites her out to a night on the town, or whatever. So what? What's wrong with that? They go to a club, where some guy tries to take advantage of her and she leaves the club and goes home alone. Sounds as if she did the right thing to me. Why, then, are you so upset? Don't you realize that, if there was anything to it, she'd have never told you in the first place? In fact, if she hadn't said anything at all, do you think that you would have ever found out what happened to her? I doubt it."

Matheson didn't reply. What his father had said made sense. How would he have known anything if Val hadn't told him? He doubted if Tameka would have said anything to him about it.

"Son, I only want to help." Gregory continued, seeing that Matheson was thinking about what he had said. "What you say here stays here, between us. Man to man, I'm your father. You've got to trust me. What are you really upset about? You've never seemed like the overly possessive type. The fact that she resisted temptation should count for something."

"He was black and I was wondering if, perhaps, she wanted to find out what it was like to be with a black man. "He confessed.

Gregory's mouth went slack. Surely Matheson didn't buy into the stereotype of black men being superior studs in the bedroom!

"God, Matheson! Don't tell me that you believe all that bullshit about Mandingo warriors and extra large penises?" Gregory replied, surprised at his confession. "Do you really believe that Val would do such a thing? Do you seriously think that she wanted to compare you to a black man?"

"I just know that, with my history, I'm not always up to par and women want a man that can get the job done." Matheson continued. "You say you have always wondered what the problem was with my relationships. In the past, I have not always been the man that they expected, and you only get so many chances with a woman. I know that on more than one occasion, I haven't been up to par."

"No man is always up to par, Matheson." Gregory sighed. "That's where love kicks in. If a woman loves her man, she understands that he can't always be at his best. When it happens, you talk about it. You take corrective action. There's no doubt in my mind that Valysia loves you. Remember that night you fainted? She came into my office the next day and manhandled me and then burst out crying. I gather that you weren't at your best that night. Val didn't seem upset about your physical attributes or your sexual experience. She was concerned about your health."

"Sometimes it seems that things are just too good to be true." Matheson replied. "I keep waiting for the ball to drop. Things have been going so good between us, I feel at times that it is not going to last."

Gregory looked surprised. Why was Matheson doing this to himself? "Don't you feel that you deserve to be happy?"

"Of course." Matheson replied. "However, in the past, happiness has always eluded me."

"I don't think it's fair to Valysia that you're carrying your baggage from your failed relationships and dumping them on her. Let the past stay in the past."

"That's not what I'm doing." Matheson replied, defensively. "You didn't want me to marry her in the first place, remember? Now all of a sudden, you're singing her praises? I would expect this from Ma, but I never expected you of all people to respond like this."

Gregory stood up and put on his suit jacket. "You're right. I was totally against this wedding, but not for the reasons you're putting it off. I didn't want you to marry a black girl. I admit that I was prejudiced, and wanted you to marry white. I was against it, until I saw how happy you two were and how much you two loved each other. "

He walked around the desk and put his arm around his son as he stood up. "All your mother and I ever wanted for you was to be happy…like we're happy."

Matheson chuckled. "Everyone can't be happy like you and Ma."

"You have to work at it." Gregory said. He leaned closer to Matheson. "You love her, don't you?"

"Of course." Matheson said as they walked out of the office. "I just don't know right now if I can trust her."

"Look, before I met your mother I was head over heels in love with this girl named Daria." Gregory said. "She cheated on me every chance she got and I was blind to it all. She didn't even have any regrets when I found out, other than the fact that she had gotten caught. At that moment, I realized that she really didn't love me. Can you say the same about Valysia? Do you feel that she doesn't really love you?"

"No. I know that she loves me." Matheson admitted.

"Take my advice son." Gregory said, as they exited the building. "You need to talk to her about your feelings and insecurities and then move forward. Communication is the only way a marriage is going to work. Now, when can we expect you two to come over for a visit?"

Matheson walked over to his car. He looked back at his father, who was watching him.

"Soon." He replied smiling.

                                                 ((***))

Tameka stared back at her reflection in the mirror. It had been two weeks since her attack. The bruises were fading, and she covered what was left of them with makeup. On the outside, she looked like her normal self, but on the inside, she was a bundle of nerves.

She had stayed with Val for a week, and she couldn't help but notice that her cousin appeared depressed. She had not seen Matheson, and he did not come to Val's apartment while she stayed there. She knew that their estrangement was partly her fault, but she didn't know that it would turn out like this.

She wanted to tell Val the truth, but she was afraid. Val and Mavis had been so kind to her. Her own Grandmother had shown her absolutely no compassion and if she lost Val's friendship while she was still dealing with her feelings about the rape, she didn't know what she'd do. What a sorry mess! She should have never listened to Matheson's grandfather.

Val had been quiet most of the time while she was staying with her, and she went to work and returned to check on Tameka immediately after work. She hardly ate anything and Tameka had caught her crying on several occasions. Mavis had been over and had prepared some soup for her since her mouth was sore. Her own grandmother had only berated her for allowing such a thing to happen to disgrace the family. She didn't even have any sympathy for Tameka and had not even called to check on her recovery.

Unable to deal with the guilt that was suffocating her, she told Val that she wanted to go home to her own bed after she began to feel better. She had to think about what she was going to do and how she could fix the mess she had created.

Detective Grant called her cell after she returned home and told her to come down to the station to pick the bogus David Jarrod out of a lineup. She called Val and told her, not wanting to go to the police station alone. Val had insisted on going with her and she was surprised that the police had actually caught the guy.

It turned out that the man that claimed to be David Jarrod was actually a former trainer for the team named Bernard Holby. He had been fired from the team because he had sexually harassed another player's wife. David Jarrod had testified against him which was why he had used his name. Tameka left the police station as quickly as she could; glad that the ordeal was temporarily over though she dreaded the thought of going to court.

Several days after she returned home, she was surprised when UPS knocked on her apartment door. She quickly signed for the package and took it inside. She opened it and found a neatly wrapped blue box inside the large cardboard box that had been shipped to her. She opened the blue box and was shocked to find that it contained cash and a note.

"I know we agreed on $25 thousand, but you deserve more. I've enclosed $35 thousand. Enjoy!"

Tameka knew that the note was from Matheson's grandfather and she now wondered if he had anything to do with Bernard Holby being at the club that night. She remembered that the cops had said that he had a large amount of cash on him when they'd arrested him. She threw the box of money in her nightstand drawer. She didn't know what she was going to do with the money now. She really didn't want it anymore. She had taken FMLA at work and could use the money since she wasn't working, but she couldn't think about that now.

She fell asleep on the bed, and did not know how long she had lain there when she felt her phone vibrate.

"Hello?"

"Hello there young lady. I assume you got my package."

"I got it" Tameka responded.

"You don't sound happy. Wasn't it enough?"

'I was raped at that club that you told me to take her to, Mr. Hendricks. Did you have anything to do with that?" Tameka asked raising her voice.

"What makes you think I had anything to do with that, girl? You need to pick your men more carefully." He snapped back at her unsympathetically.

"You never told me what you were planning. You only told me to get Val there. If you had that man put something in her drink like she thinks, then you could have also had someone there to rape me." Tameka hissed accusingly.

"You flatter yourself. I wasn't the least concerned about you." He replied unmoved. "I just wanted that cousin of your to be caught with another man. I hired Matthew to come onto Val and his pal Bernard to take the pictures even though when I saw them I realized that what he took wasn't very good."

"Bernard? Are you talking about Bernard Holby?" Tameka snapped. "He was the man who raped me."

"Not my fault." Matheson's grandfather replied.

"Not your fault?" Tameka shrieked. "It is your fault. You paid those men to come there! You told me to bring Val to that club!"

"Look, girl! You were paid and paid well. Don't start crying to me now. It's my understanding that my grandson and your cousin are now estranged, which was my ultimate goal. Is that information correct?"

"How would you know that?" Tameka asked suspiciously.

"I pay my informants well" he replied. "You had better keep your mouth shut! Your hands aren't clean in this, either, you know."

"You told me that all you wanted to do was take a few pictures of her in the club dancing with someone else. You didn't say anything about drugging her and trying to get that guy to sleep with her."

"What do you care about the details? You were paid well, weren't you?"

"What about what happened to me?" Tameka said crying. "I'm still trying to recover-"

"Stop your bawling and grow up! If you play with the devil, you should know you might get burned" William Hendricks snapped. "I checked you out too, Missy. You're loose as a goose. You've slept around, and I'll venture so far as to say that you don't care who you screw; so don't get all puritanical with me now!"

"I never asked to be raped." Tameka said, accusingly. "He beat me-"

"What do you want, another ten thousand?" William Hendricks asked, interrupting her.

"Go to hell!" Tameka replied slamming the phone shut and throwing it on the bed.

                                                ((***))

Val hated to return to her empty apartment. At least with Tameka being there, it gave her something to do so that she wouldn't think about Matheson.

He called her the very next day after she had left Tameka's apartment to tell her that he wanted to postpone the wedding for a few months. She wasn't surprised, and didn't argue with him. She hadn't heard from him since.

She knew that she needed to give him time, so she didn't press the issue. She told her grandmother about the postponement and Mavis hadn't questioned her further which surprised her. Val knew that her grandmother was preoccupied with her brother Langston and she was grateful for that. She knew her grandmother well enough to know that she would bring the subject back up at a later date.

Val missed Matheson terribly, and since Tameka was no longer there to fill the void she realized that she was also lonely. There had been a time when she had spent many hours alone, after working all day; reading and doing other things. She didn't think that she could go back to being the way she was before Matheson came into her life. Being with him had changed everything.

She began straightening up the apartment, even though it was already tidy. Emily had called her and invited her to lunch, but she had given her a lame excuse and begged off. She didn't want her getting in the middle of things.

There was a knock on the door and she looked at her watch wondering who it could be. It was Friday evening, and she wasn't expecting anyone. She looked out of the peephole and didn't see anyone. She opened the door and was surprised to see a crystal cake dish with a whole chocolate cake on it. A yellow sticky note was stuck on the cake dish.

"Forgive me?"

Val looked around but didn't see anyone. She looked in the parking lot and didn't see Matheson's car, but she knew that the cake was from him. She picked it up.

"Matheson?" she asked looking around.

He then came from around the side of her apartment. He held a bouquet of multicolored roses and a carton of almond milk.

"You didn't answer the question." He said, looking at her seriously.

"Only if you forgive me. I made a stupid mistake." she replied happy to see him.

He walked over to her and her heart skipped a beat. He was so handsome, his ocean eyes wary. He still had on his baker's uniform; he must have just left work.

"I love you, Val." He confessed. "It scares me how much I love you."

She opened the door wider, and he walked in. She took the flowers from him and put them in a vase. He followed close behind her, setting the almond milk in the refrigerator.

"I've been miserable these last two weeks." He confessed turning to her.

"Me too" she replied. He walked out of the kitchen back into the living room and sat down on the sofa. He patted a spot beside him and she sat down.

"Matheson, I don't want anybody else. You've got to believe that-"

"I know…I was…in fact I still am insecure, Val. I guess that's why I reacted like I did. I'm sorry."

Val looked at him surprised. "Matheson! What have you got to be insecure about?'

"Us…I wonder, sometimes, if I'm all you'll ever want. I wonder if you will leave me for someone else."

"Why on earth would you feel that way?" Val asked taking his hand. "I love you, Matheson. Only you. I thought you knew that."

He looked down at her hand in his. "I've always had to deal with some degree of sexual dysfunction, Val. I've been impotent from time to time. You know I've had my issues…premature ejaculation-"

"Matheson, do you think that's all I want from you is sex?"She asked cupping his face in her hands. She had to make him understand. She gave him a quick kiss. "Whatever problems you have, they're my problems too. Sex isn't the total sum of any real relationship."

"I don't kid myself, Val. Sex is important-"he replied looking away from her.

"But we've been fine!" she protested, interrupting him.

"But for how long? I mean, as soon as I get a little stressed out at the store, things are bound to happen. I'm going to have performance issues. It's always been that way for me."

"And because of that, you think that I'll stray? Don't you trust me, Matheson?" she asked, looking at him. She could see the fear in his eyes, and it disappointed her.

"I want to, Val, but no woman has ever put up with my problems for very long. When you told me that you were going to the club, I started to wonder if some man would come along and take you from me."

"That's not going to happen, Matheson" she replied.

"Val, I want to believe that. I guess I got scared, and then when you told me what happened, I felt threatened. I started to wonder if whatever attracted you to him was something that I was lacking."

"I don't need a spiked drink for you to turn me on, Matheson. I can't say the same for him." She replied, smiling.

He returned her smile. "I guess I never thought of it that way. I apologize for being such a prick. I want to make it up to you."

She looked at him coyly. "Oh really? How do you plan to do that and what about our wedding date? We have to set another one, you know."

"Who have you told? Have you notified the vendors?"

"No. I thought you were doing that"

"Well, I haven't told anyone but my parents, so let's just get married as we planned."

"But, Matheson," Val protested. "That's a week and a half away. We haven't even been to our counseling sessions at the church. I did tell Reverend Williamson that the wedding has been postponed. I don't know who my Grandmother has talked to."

"Call him back." Matheson insisted. "Tell him that we want to get married as planned."

"He's going to think we're crazy!" Val protested.

"Well then let me call him." Matheson said pulling out his phone. "Give me his number."

Val watched, astonished as Matheson smooth talked Reverend Williamson about the change; telling him that it was all his fault- because he got cold feet- and that he really wanted to marry her on the date that they had originally given him. He hung up the phone, grinning.

"Reverend Williamson wants to see us in an hour."

"An hour?" Val shrieked. "We can't see him in an hour-"

"It's all set." Matheson insisted. "If we want him to marry us, we'd better keep the appointment."

"Matheson this is crazy!" Val protested.

"I know. I'm the crazy one, and you drive me crazy. We'll talk about all that at the counseling session." He replied, happily. "If we hurry, I can run home and take a quick shower."

"What about the cake and almond milk?" She asked snickering, as she grabbed her purse, overjoyed at the turn of events. "What about your promise to make things up to me?"

"We'll celebrate when we get back!" Matheson said over his shoulder, as he headed out the door, with Val following close behind.