The Eye of the Beholder

Val sat in the waiting area and reread the letter that Matheson had given her for the fifteenth time.  She couldn’t understand it.  Nothing about this whole mess made any sense. 

Tameka had tried to kill herself.  Tameka…the brave one!  Tameka, the one who had always been confident and bossy when they were growing up!  When had all that changed?  The fact that her cousin had tried to break up her relationship with Matheson at first had galled and angered her.  The hussy!  But then when she read the part of the letter about losing everything, Val's heart softened a bit.  She couldn’t imagine returning to that hellhole her Nana was in charge of.  But didn’t Nana always prefer Tameka?  Didn’t that woman always say that Tameka was beautiful while  Val was black and ugly?  Why would Tameka not go back?  Did Ethel hurt Tameka the way she had hurt Val when she was younger?  Val shuddered at the thought.  There were no answers, only more questions.

Matheson had left to take his father back to his car and she was glad for the quiet time to reflect and try to figure things out.  The three of them had sat there for almost three hours waiting to hear something until Matheson had offered to take his father home.

Val looked up as the doctor approached, dreading what he was going to say 

“Miss Chamberlayne?”  he asked walking up to her.

“Yes”  she replied shakily.

The doctor sat down beside her.  “ I’m Dr. VanHorne. I’m the psychiatrist here. When your cousin was here last, she signed papers allowing the hospital to disclose to you and only you her medical information. I just need you to sign this form first and follow me to a private conference area. 

Val quickly signed it and got up and followed the doctor as he led them into a small room.  She then looked at the doctor expectantly.

“How is she?”

“I’m afraid not so good.”  Dr. VanHorne replied.  “We pumped her stomach and administered an antidote for the overdose.”  He looked at his notes.  “I was afraid something like this might happen.   Your cousin was administered a strong overdose of drugs when she was kidnapped which has affected her mental state.  We had hoped that therapy would help her…that is if she had been going.  I’m not sure if she was following my directives. I fear that she may have had anxiety attacks whenever she attempted to leave her apartment…flashbacks to her attack.”

“What are you going to do?”  Val asked. 

“I feel that she needs some time in a facility where her meds can be administered as well as her mental state monitored.  We suggested such before, but she refused.  Now since she has attempted suicide and she has listed you as her next of kin, we are asking you to sign the papers.

Val was shocked.  What about Meka’s mother, Tina?  What about her grandmother?  Why would Tameka list her and not them?

“Of course I’ll sign them.”  She responded.  She looked at the doctor.  “Do you think she’ll recover?  Can I see her?”

“I think she has a good chance.  She has to want it though.  She has to fight back against this depression that is consuming her.  It appears to me she has given up and that she doesn’t care if she lives or dies.  I don’t know what’s going on.  I felt at one time she was getting better.   She won’t talk to me and I hope that perhaps you can get her to open up. I need to know if her latest setback is just the trauma of the rape and kidnapping, or if something else is going on.  Do you have any idea what led to this suicide attempt?”

Val shook her head.  “I don’t know…I mean, we just reconnected so to speak.  She lived with our grandmother for years.  I don’t understand why she would do such a thing!  Can I see her?”

“She’s still somewhat sedated, but yes you can see her.”  The doctor replied. 

Val got up and followed him to Tameka’s room. He pointed to the door and she watched him walk down the hall before she braced herself and walked in.  She tried not to look shocked at her cousin’s appearance.  Tameka was pale, almost gray looking.  There were dark circles under her eyes.  She looked at Val and then turned to the wall away from her.

“I never took you to be a coward and a quitter, Meka” she hissed angrily at her cousin’s back.  “What the hell were you trying to do?”

Tameka swallowed and wouldn’t turn over.  “I’m not strong like you, Val.  I thought everyone would be happy that I was gone.” 

Her words angered Val more that she cared to admit.  Where was her cousin’s spunk?  Where was her sass and confidence Val had always admired?  She didn’t recognize this woman at all. He voice was lifeless and defeated.  Where was the real Tameka?

“Well you thought wrong, wench!” Val said leaning down over the bed, using the word that they used to call each other when they would fight. “I ought to take you outside and kick your ass for pulling this stunt!”

Tameka started to cry.  “Please Val-“

“No Meka, I’m not having this!” Val snapped interrupting her.  “If you needed money, why didn’t you ask me for it?  Why would you try to break up me and Matheson?  I would have expected this shit from Nana, but not from you!  Was it Matheson’s grandfather that gave you the money or not?”

“Yes” Tameka said turning back to the wall.  “I know you hate me.  I know I messed up.   I was desperate.  I thought I could handle it, but then afterwards…I just wanted to-“ 

“You wanted to run away like a coward” Val said turning Tameka's face back towards her. “You didn’t want to face me or Matheson when your guilty conscience was bothering you, so you took the coward’s way out after I asked you over and over again what was wrong!  What happened to that shit you were talking about us becoming close again and not letting Nana separate us? What happened to us being the two amigos?  Was that all just bullshit?  Did you prostitute my childhood memories of us in order to get me to go out with you that night?”

Val knew that Tameka was weak and vulnerable lying there, but she was mad! She resisted the urge to shake her.

“I meant it…”  Tameka whimpered.  “Things just got out of hand…”

“No shit….”  Val replied sarcastically.  She hadn’t cussed like this in years.  She knew, however that this was the only way she was going to get through to her cousin.  She was going to have to go ghetto on her and dominate her in order to get the old Tameka back...make her talk!

“Going back to Nana couldn’t have been all that bad.”  Val continued.  “She loved you!  You were the light and bright one with light eyes and long flowing hair, remember?  If you had been treated half as bad as I was, I might understand why you would dime me out rather than to return to her house!  I believe you just couldn’t stand to see me happy!  You’re no better than Nana!”

Tameka laughed bitterly and then began to cough.  Val walked around the bed and got a tissue and wiped her mouth and gave her some water.  Tameka released the straw and fell back on the bed as Val set the cup on the table.

“Nana hated me too!”  Tameka groaned covering her eyes with her arm.  Val quickly snatched Tameka’s arm away from her face, and Tameka glared at her.

“She hated you and she hated me too!”  Tameka snapped her voice cracking. 

“Yeah right!”  Val replied in disbelief.  “You were the pretty one, remember?  You were the one with the lovely light skin and beautiful hazel eyes.  You were the one with the long flowing hair.  I was the black, big lipped ugly-“

“Stop it!”  Tameka hissed.  “She only said those things to YOU about me!  She never said them to me!  I’ve been called whore and slut since I was eight!  I’ve been punished for having big breasts since I was ten!  That’s when men started to look at me!  Every time a man would turn around and look at me, I was hit and called a slut! You thought I was lucky, huh? You were the lucky one!  You had Mavis! Mama was always gone and Nana hated me! I had no one except you and you believed her lies! I loved you!  I never said you were ugly!  I told you that I never said those nasty things about you, but you didn’t believe me!”

“Then why did you turn around and have sex when you were thirteen, Meka!”  Val snapped.  “Seemed to me you’d want to prove her wrong, not turn around and do exactly what she said you’d do!” 

“At least the men acted like they cared about me, at least for a little while!  You changed after your Papa died!  You didn’t want to be around me!”

She looked at Val accusingly.  “You know that you were all I had!  You were the only one who loved me and you left me there in that hell hole!  You looked down on me like the trash that Nana always said I was! She was so happy that you and I were no longer close like sisters!  You left me and I had no one…no one! I kept hoping that you’d come back and things could be like they were before, but that didn’t happen.  I had no one else but you and you hated me too!”

Val was stunned as she watched her cousin break down in sobs, her loud wailing revealing the depth of her pain and despair.  Unable to digest all that Tameka had revealed, she just stood there staring at her in disbelief.   The nurse came quickly into the room and took in the scene.

“I’m going to have to ask you to leave now” she said firmly.  “Miss Chamberlayne needs her rest.”

Val nodded woodenly and walked out the room. A memory flashed through her mind.  The memory of Mavis coming to get her from visiting Nana that last time she was there as a child after Val had called Mavis and told her the mean things Nana had said to her.  Mavis had promised her that day that they were never going back there and she remembered looking back as she got in the car and seeing Tameka watching her from the porch, her expression sad.

 She spotted Matheson sitting in the waiting room.  He got up and walked over to her.

“How’s Tameka?  Are you alright?” he asked taking her hand.

She looked up at Matheson, his ocean eyes full of love and concern. She realized Tameka was right.  She was the lucky one.

“No Matheson, I’m not alright.”  She replied angrily.  “I need you to come with me.”

“Where to?”  he asked kissing her hand.

 She looked up at him.  “To Nana’s.”

((***))

Matheson watched Val out of the corner of her eye as she drove out of the parking lot.  Her lips were pressed together and he knew that she was upset.

“Val I thought you never wanted to go back there-“

“This is something I have to do!”  Val said.  “I have to face her one last time…for Tameka!”

Matheson was surprised.  He thought that she’d be angry and never want to see her cousin again after the stunt she’d pulled and he wondered what happened after he left to take his father to his car.

They pulled up to the door of Ethel Chamberlayne’s house and Val slammed on the breaks causing the car to jerk at the sudden stop. She jumped out of the car with a determination that Matheson didn’t recognize.  He followed her to the door and was shocked as she took out a set of keys and opened the door.  She shoved it opened causing the door to bang against the wall.

Matheson followed her as she marched into the house and began to look around.

“Nana!” she shouted barely controlling her anger.

Matheson watched as she began to go from room to room.  Ethel Chamberlayne came out of the kitchen with a man following close behind. Val’s stance softened a bit as she let her eyes rest on him.

“Uncle Buddy!”  she gasped, surprised.

“Hey there, VaLysia” the man replied grinning.

“Who the hell do you think you are busting into my home like the police?”  Ethel snapped angrily.  “What do you want?  Who gave you keys, Tameka I suppose!”

Val glared at her grandmother and Matheson watched this transformed woman he was about to marry.  He knew that she was high on anger and adrenalin as she marched over to her grandmother pointing her finger in her face.

“No, I used MY key!”  she hissed.  “I haven’t used it in years, but I had it.  I’ve almost tossed it out numerous times, but I’m glad I never did.  I put it on my key ring months ago because I felt that when I was strong enough to confront you, I’d throw it in your face!”

Ethel crossed her arms across her chest and looked from her granddaughter to Matheson.

“I suppose your white lover here gave you that strength, huh?” Ethel replied sarcastically.

“No” Val replied.  “It was Tameka.”

For once Ethel looked surprised.  “Tameka? Hmph!”

Uncle Buddy spoke up.  “What in the world is going on, Ethel?”

“Nothing that concerns you, Buddy.  Go on back in the kitchen”  Ethel replied.

“Why do you hate us so much” Val’s voice was a deadly calm.  “Why do you hate Tameka?  You told me that I was ugly and Tameka was beautiful, but when I wasn’t around, you called her a slut.”

Ethel chuckled.  “That was to keep the little bitch in line.  You ARE ugly, VaLysia.  Accept that fact.  You’re black as tar with those big lips and nappy hair.  God played a joke on you for sure.”

“You’re a sick woman!”  Matheson snapped angrily at her.  He was surprised when Val raised her hand for him to be quiet.  She then turned back to Ethel.

“So what was Tameka’s problem?  I was black and ugly so you hated me!  What caused you to hate Tameka?” Val asked crossing her arms in the same manner as her grandmother.

“I don’t have to answer to you!” Ethel spat.  “You’d better mind your manners, girl!”

“Too cowardly to tell me, huh?”  Val replied, her voice dripping acid.  “Tell me, Nana…how could Tameka be a whore and slut at age ten?”

Ethel drew herself up and flipped her long ponytail. 

“She was a slut because her mother was a slut and her father-“

“You know who her father is?”  Val asked shocked.  “All these years….you’ve known and didn’t tell her?”

“Of course I’ve known!”  Ethel said smugly. “She looks just like him!  She’s better off not knowing.”

Val was stunned.  What was wrong with this woman?  Ethel had always told Tameka that her mother slept with a lot of men and didn’t know who her father was.  Perhaps that was a lie.

“She didn’t tell her because she was angry and jealous!”  Uncle Buddy replied speaking up. “I had no idea that Tameka didn’t know who her father was.  You told me that they didn’t want anything to do with Tameka, Ethel”

“Be quiet Buddy!”  Ethel hissed.

“I may just be your husband’s brother, Ethel but I’m telling the truth even if I have to catch a train back to Mississippi today.”  Buddy replied as Ethel glared at him.  He turned back to Val.

“My sister in law was in love with this boy named Jonathan Brown.  He was a handsome fella, real light, bright and damn near white.  I think his daddy was white in fact.”  Buddy said sitting down in a nearby chair.  “Well Jonathan was hot after this dark skinned girl named Mary-“

“Buddy I’m warning you!”  Ethel threatened but Buddy continued his story ignoring her.

“Anyway long story short, he married Mary and she had a son.  Ethel here married too, to my brother in fact,  but I don’t think she ever got over Jonathan.  Jonathan and Mary had a son and he was just as bright as his daddy.  In fact, he was the spitting image of Jon, but he had his mother’s eyes.  Then the unthinkable happened.  Tina, Tameka’s mom fell in love with Jonathan’s son.  Tina got pregnant, and I’m sure you can figure out the rest.”

Val gasped and looked at her grandmother.  “Why?  Why would you punish Tameka like that?  It wasn’t her fault!”

“He was mines!  Mines!”  Ethel snapped angrily.  “I had to look at that little bitch every day and see him.  It wasn’t fair!”

Matheson had been watching the exchange and was totally floored.  He felt that Ethel had some serious mental issues.  He wanted to intervene, but he was proud that Val was holding her own with her grandmother.  He watched the scene continue as the Uncle was now shaking his head.

“He was never yours, Ethel.”  Uncle Buddy said sadly.  He looked at Val.  “I’m sorry, VaLysia.  I had no idea.  I had my own family to tend to.  I had no idea this was going on.  I didn’t come up here to Baltimore but every other year or so to visit.”

Val walked over and hugged her Uncle.  “It’s not your fault, Uncle Buddy” she replied.

She looked at Ethel.  “So you punished Tameka because she looked like a man that didn’t want you!  How pathetic!  Your granddaughter is lying in the hospital and you wouldn’t even come to see her!  Now I understand why you didn’t visit.  You want her to die, don’t you so that you don’t have to look at her face and see Jonathan Brown.”

Ethel glared at her. “Shut your mouth! You think you know everything, don’t you? She doesn’t just look like him; she has the body of that whorish grandmother of hers who stole him from me!  I knew that she’d turn out to be the slut she is today!”

“She’s your daughter’s child” Val cried.  “Did you ever see Aunt Tina when you looked at her?  What about that?  How could a ten year old be a slut?  You were supposed to protect her and you abused me and you abused her!  How could you?  How could Aunt Tina just leave her here?” 

“She had no choice” Ethel replied smugly.  “I made her sign over her rights to me when the little bitch was born.  I wanted to be sure that Jonathan and his wife didn’t get their hands on her!  Tina did what I told her, and I sent her away until Tameka was born. Tina knew that she couldn’t take care of her alone and she had no one else to turn to but her mother!  Tameka's father had enlisted into the Marines before she found out that she was pregnant,  and he wasn’t one of the lucky ones to make it back to the states alive.  I was delighted that Jonathan got to feel the pain that I had felt when he rejected me.”

“You’re sick!”  Val said sadly.  “I never knew that before, but you are one sick, pathetic woman! How could you compare a man losing his son to your stupid infatuation? You are insane!”

“I’m as sane as you are” Ethel argued.

“You’d like to think so” Matheson said finally.  He had heard enough.  He turned to Val.

“Have you heard enough?  Let’s go.”

“Not yet” Val said looking back at Ethel.  “So what’s my story?  Is it just because I’m dark?”

Ethel grunted.  “I don’t owe you any explanations”

She started to walk off and Val grabbed her forcing her to turn around.

“I think you do” she hissed. 

“You little black tar baby!”  Ethel snapped.  “Take your hands off of me!”

Uncle Buddy walked over to his sister in law.

“Ethel, what’s wrong with you?  Don’t talk to VaLysia like that!”

“Shut up Buddy!”  Ethel said snatching herself from Val’s grasp and glaring angrily at her brother in law.  “Get your things and get out!  I don’t want you here!  Your visit is over! I only asked you here because you remind me of Herbert, but if you're taking her side, you can get the hell out of my house right along with them!”

Buddy looked at Matheson.  “Can you give me a few minutes and take me by the train station?”

“Nonsense, Uncle Buddy” Matheson replied glaring at Ethel over her brother in law’s head. “You can stay with me and attend our wedding tomorrow.  Get your things.  We’ll wait for you!”

“Get out!”  she hissed at Val.  “I’m through talking!”

“You are a sad excuse for a human being!”  Val said her voice cracking. “My father-“

Ethel slapped Val hard taking her by surprise.  Matheson started to intervene, but Val surprised him by shoving her grandmother away from her causing her to stumble backwards. Ethels chest was heaving as she pointed her finger in Val's face.

“Your father was weak!  He had me!  He didn’t need your mother! How could he just kill himself over her?”  Ethel’s voice raised an octave and Matheson thought she really did look insane. “I put up with her stealing my son and I put up with you, but no more!  Now get out of my house! Tell that slut Tameka I don’t want her back here either!”  She glanced out of the window as she sat down in a nearby chair.

“Jonathan, I would have been good to you!”  she spat angrily, more to herself than to those in the room.  “You should have given me a chance!”

Val stared at her grandmother a moment rubbing her face and Matheson walked over and put his arm around her.  “Let’s go.” He watched as Val tossed the door key on the table still staring at her grandmother. “Let’s go, Val” he whispered softly turning her towards the door.

Val nodded and followed him outside.

“Are you alright?”  he asked watching her.

Val smiled up at him.  “This will be the first time leaving my grandmother’s house that I can honestly say, ‘Yes, I’m just fine.’”

((***))

Val watched Matheson drive off as he and Uncle Buddy got into his car, heading to Matheson's apartment.   She sat in her car a moment thinking about all that had happened.  Never did she realize how sick her grandmother was until that day.  A part of her wanted to be mad at Tameka, but her heart hurt for her cousin instead

She had always thought that Tameka was the pretty one, the special one, the one who got all her grandmother’s love when in fact she was treated worse than Val. It had all been an elaborate farce to destroy Val’s self esteem.  Beauty, Val now realized was in the eye of the beholder.  Val had always thought her grandmother was beautiful, but now she felt that she was the ugliest person she had ever seen.  Val thought that Tameka was beautiful, but to Ethel,  Tameka’s looks had been a curse, a constant reminder of a man that didn’t want her.  Val had always thought herself plain, but Matheson and her grandmother Mavis had always told her that she was beautiful. 

Val got out of the car and walked into the hospital.  She walked quietly into Tameka’s room and stared down at her.  She was asleep, her face pale, her body lifeless except for the rise and fall of her chest.   Her small arms were by her sides and she lay on her back, reminding her of a corpse. Val was so thankful. She was thankful for Mavis and thankful for Matheson.  There was no anger in her heart about what Tameka had done.  She had Matheson’s love and she knew that his love for her wasn’t going to change.  Tameka was the last connection she had to her father that she could bear to be around.  She couldn’t lose that now. She couldn’t let Ethel Chamberlayne win this fight.

Tameka opened her eyes surprised to see Val standing there.

“Val” she whispered, her voice filled with wonder. “You came back.”

The words hit Val like a ton of bricks as she thought about what Tameka had said to her earlier that day.  She came back.  She looked at Tameka’s face, full of apprehension.  Yes, she had come back.

Val fell on the bed and embraced her cousin and Tameka began to cry, her body shook as she sobbed.  “I-I’m so sorry, Val.”

“Meka” Val sniffed unable to hold back her own tears.   She kissed her cousin’s cheek.

“I love you, Meka.  I want you to get well.  We’re family.  You’re all I have left of my Daddy.”  Tameka continued to sob and Val placed her hands on either side of her face, forcing her to meet her gaze

“Fight this fight, Meka.  I need you.  We’re still the two amigos, right?” she looked at Tameka’s wary expression and touched her forehead to hers.  “Right?”

Tameka nodded, unable to answer for the sobs that escaped her throat.

“Nana can’t win.  We’ve got to stick together, right?”  Val insisted, wiping the tears from her cousin’s face while her own ran from her eyes.  “I want her to see us like we were before.  I want her to see that she didn’t break me and she didn’t break you either. You can beat this thing, Meka.  You have to want to live, and I want you to live because I need you!”

Tameka nodded and grinned slightly at Val.  “Two amigos?”  she asked hopefully.

“To the end!” Val whispered, hugging her tightly.

((***))