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Evangeline groaned as she heard the music from her alarm radio. She slowly allowed the words to the song to sink into her mind. She quickly recognized Cassandra Wilson’s voice and her version of “Time After Time”. Her thoughts surrounded her feelings for John and his for her.
She was curious to why he moved into her building complex. Why did he keep those memorabilia of their relationship? He had to have known Natalie would find them…one day. Maybe, he wanted Natalie to find them, but why. No, John doesn’t play games. Sometimes, John doesn’t think ahead. He lives for the moment except for when it comes to his job. Her mind went back to the song as thoughts of Cristian wrapped around her. She knew she cared for Cristian, but she wasn’t in love with him. She didn’t know why she wouldn’t or couldn’t give him her whole heart. John McBain name was whispered in her mind. Tears started to form in her eyes as she stared up at the ceiling. When the hot tears started rolling out of her eyes, she didn’t stop them from falling into her ears.
God, what have I gotten myself into? I buried my feelings for John and fooled myself into believing I was over him. Now, I have Cristian in my life, and I know he loves me completely and unconditionally. Cris has been and is so good to me. How can I crush him?
The tears fell more rapidly as she thought about her life. After a few seconds, she turned and buried her face into her pillow and cried. She knew what her heart wanted to do. She knew what she had to do to answer Michael’s question. She knew what she had to do to be happy.
I don’t know if I can break Cristian’s heart for my happiness. She thought. Natalie broke his heart because she thought John would make her happy. I won’t be another selfish woman in his life. Besides, I have been down that road with John. He couldn’t say he loved me. She felt he did because of his actions, but she needed to hear the words. He couldn’t give her the words. He won’t give her the words. Cristian gives her the words everyday.
Evangeline sat up and shook her head. She has made up her mind. She reached over, turned her radio clock off, and wiped her wet cheeks. “I’m not going to hurt Cristian.”
As she started to climb out of her bed, her landline phone started ringing. Not bothering to check the caller ID, she picked up the phone and answered. “Hello.”
“Evangeline, it’s me John.” When she didn’t respond, he continued. “I-I was wondering if we could have breakfast together.”
“Sure, I think we need to talk.” Evangeline decided. She has made up her mind, and she wanted to make things clear to John. “How about meeting me at Hallowed Grounds…” She glanced at her clock. “In an hour.”
“Okay.” John whispered and waited for the phone to go dead.
Hallowed Grounds
Evangeline sauntered in the coffee shop and scanned the room. She quickly spotted John in a corner booth reading a paper and drinking something. He probably ordered his usual coffee black. She smiled when she remembered he joked about only adding cream at lunch and cream and sugar for dinner. She squared her shoulders and told herself again she could do this. She started to walk towards him, but she stopped abruptly when his sky blue eyes left the paper and darted to her. Immediately, they revealed the pleasure from seeing her. She inhaled and slowly exhaled as she continued towards him. The closer she got the softer his expression became. When she stopped completely in front of him, his eyes were glowing and he was offering her a signature McBain smile. He looked so goofy and like a teenager in love.
“Stop looking at me like that.” She ordered and glanced around the room. Anyone looking on and knew she was with Cristian would think they were lovers. His glaze was one of admiration, adoration, love…and lust. She remembered a time she got lost in that glaze. John always felt you could say a lot without talking, so his eyes were the source for his emotions and thoughts. But, even with that, you only saw what he wanted to reveal. Now, anyone looking at him didn’t have to use their imagination to see where his thoughts and emotions were.
“Like what?” John questioned titling his head and biting his bottom lip, but he didn’t change his expression.
“Like that.” She sat down across from him, pointed at his face, and lowered her voice. “I’m with Cristian.” She gestured between them with her right hand. “You and I are friends.”
John watched as she touched her head and struggled with her confusion. He could see the turmoil on her face…actually in her whole body language.
“I’m sorry.” He leaned forward and whispered. “I didn’t mean to disrespect your relationship.”
Evangeline ran her hand through her hair. She sighed and studied him.
“This is unexplored territory for me. I – I…E-Evangeline…I miss you.” He confessed searching into her eyes. “I’m not trying to confuse you or disrespect your relationship with Cristian.”
“Then what do you call it John?” She gesticulated with her hand and decided to handle this “lawyer like” as both John and Cristian accused her of doing with other situations. She wouldn’t let her heart be apart of this. She was going to use her head. “If telling a woman in a COMMITTED relationship that you miss her, isn’t disrespectful and confusing what is? I mean.” She continued needing to vent and express her feelings about how he allowed Natalie to come between them. “We can use “US” as an example.”
John listened as he silently cursed himself for opening up this can of worms.
“Did you share with me all the times Natalie kissed you or confessed her feelings for you? Knowing Natalie, I’m sure she did it on more than the occasions you shared with me. Don’t you think that confused you and disrespected your relationship with me.” When he didn’t answer, she knew he agreed, and she became angry at knowing that he didn’t tell her about all the times. Her anger didn’t last but a second. John tried to be very honest with her, so she decided to return the favor now. Hitting the table with her right index finger, she hoped he would get her point finally. “John, you always tried to be honest with me…I appreciate and appreciated that. So, I’m going to be honest with you. I’m not going to disrespect my relationship with what ifs or I haves.”
His only respond was a slight nod.
“I’m committed to Cristian, and he’s committed to me.” She stood.
“Are you happy?” He asked before he could stop himself. It was out there, so he decided to continue. “I see how you look at him, and it’s not like how you use to look at me. I’m wondering if you are really happy or giving everyone what they expect of Evangeline Williamson.”
”I don’t make comparison.” Evangeline answered with one of his signature replies seeing the challenge in his eyes. “And, as far as your latter statement, I don’t have to wonder when it comes to Cristian. He tells me how he feels daily, so I am very happy.”
Her eyes locked with his as he stood and towered over her.
“I asked you before why are the damn words so important to you.” He knew her last statement was a dig towards him, and he didn’t like it. She didn’t belong with Cristian Vega. Before he walked away, he asked. “Have you found the answer yet?”
Evangeline glared at the back of his head until he disappeared out of the door. When he was gone, she sat back down in the seat she had occupied only a few minutes earlier.
“Damn you John McBain.” She whispered as fresh tears formed in her eyes. She inhaled and forced them to stay in place as she closed her eyes. After exhaling, she stood and left.
Rourke’s
Evangeline strolled into the gym and scanned the small area for Cristian. Spotting him at the heavy bag, she studied him as she moved closer. She smiled knowing how focused he was when he trained. She could stand there for fifteen to twenty minutes without him noticing.
Before she could stop herself, her mind went to John’s question. “Why are the words so damn important?” Because she’s a woman, she answered in her mind. Then, her thoughts trailed off to a conversation she had with her Mother.
Lisa: John was awfully quiet on the way over here.
Evangeline: Well, what do you expect after the way this family treated him? I'm embarrassed, mom. I'm surprised he's still here at all.
Lisa: Well, honey, our family -- well, you know they speak their minds.
Evangeline: Why don't you just speak yours? You don't approve.
Lisa: Oh, wait a minute. It is not at all like that.
Evangeline: Look, he's not Dennis, ok? I mean, he doesn't walk around trying to charm everybody. He's not really a big talker. He keeps things inside. But, he's a great guy, mom.
Lisa: He reminds me of somebody else.
Evangeline: Who?
Lisa: Your father.
Evangeline: I don't see the connection.
Lisa: Well, you didn't know him the way that I did. Nobody did. Your dad kept a lot of things inside, too, sweetie.
Evangeline: Dad was just subdued.
Lisa: Uh-uh. Let's face it, your father had a lot of trouble expressing himself. He loved you so much, and you have no idea how proud he was of you.
Evangeline: Yeah. Yeah, I remember my valedictory speech. He was so proud of me that he patted me on the back and said, "good luck."
Lisa: Yes, but you did not see what I saw. You did not see him wipe that tear from his eye with his sleeve while you were up there on that stage. John doesn't express himself. You said so yourself, right? Maybe your relationship with him -- maybe you're trying to take care of some unfinished business, trying to get him to open up the way you couldn't get your father to.
“Hey Babe.” Cristian greeted and kissed her on the lips. “I wasn’t expecting you.” “What…” Evangeline jumped and stepped back. “Cris, I’m sorry.” She composed herself while he laughed at her expense.
“I’m sorry.” He kissed her again. “I shouldn’t have startled you. I knew you were deep in thought. I’ve been staring at you for the last five minutes.”
She studied him while she chewed on her bottom lip. “So, what got you deep in thought?” He arched his right eyebrow for a second then asked with a smile. “Were you thinking of our wedding day?”
“No.” She answered flatly and realized her tone was more harsh than necessary. “I mean…I-I” She ran her fingers through her hair and exhaled. “I was thinking about a conversation I had with my mother. I think…she implied…I’m concerned…”
“Hey, I was just teasing you. I know you think it’s too soon for us to be thinking about marriage.”
Cristian cupped her face still wearing his boxing gloves. His bare hands are huge and made her face seem extremely small when he cupped it, and now with the gloves on, they seemed to swallow her face. “Hey, I have an idea.”
She silently watched and forced her mind not to focus of the strong sweat smell from his gloves. She was relieved when he lowered his hands and placed them at his sides.
“Why don’t you take some additional time off and after the wedding stay and visit with your Mom.” He smiled when he observed a shine in her eyes and frowned when it disappeared.
“I would love to do that Cristian, but if I did, I would miss your first title fight.” She offered him a weak smile.
“Don’t worry about me. I’m fine. If you are worried about your Mom, your mind won’t be with me anyway. Besides, I know how important family is to you.” He grabbed her right hand and placed it over his heart. “And, as long as you are in here, you are with me.”
“You are so wonderful. It would be nice to visit with my Mother some.” She stepped closer and kissed him on the cheek. “Thank you for putting me first.”
“Well, I decided to put you first where Natalie is concerned too.” Cristian locked eyes with her. “I told her I couldn’t be her friend.”
“Cris…”
“I know I didn’t have to, but I don’t want anything coming between us. I love you.” His smile faded when she didn’t return the words, but instead her eyes started to water. “I…I wanted you to know.”
“Thank you.”
Evangeline said not knowing what else to say. The silent was broken when her cell phone started ringing. She smiled weakly then fished it out of her purse. Checking the caller ID, she looked at him. “I need to take this.”
“Okay.” Cristian nodded confuse as he watched her open her razor phone.
“Evangeline Williamson…Hi, Morris, I’ve been expecting your call…Yes, I got the sheet music you faxed over to me. I’ve been practicing…
Darius has booked Capricorn for a couple of hours, so we will be rehearsing there…Okay…Okay…Well, tell Darius and Yvonne I will meet you all there in thirty minutes…
Again the night of the wedding rehearsal sounds perfect to me…Okay. Okay…I think, they did a wonderful job on the selection too…Okay…See you then.”
She closed her cell phone and offered her lover an apologetic smile. “I have to go. That was Morris, one of Darius’s friends. He’s going to do a duet with me, and he’s on a tight schedule.”
“No problem…I’ll see you when I get finish.” He stated. “Oh…I can’t. I promised Vincent I will take care of something…and it will probably take all night.”
“Okay…I need to pack tonight anyway. Yvonne and I are leaving tomorrow.” Cristian just nodded. “Hey, I don’t need any extra time with my Mom, so after the wedding I’ll come home with you.”
“I’ll be fine Evangeline.” Cristian offered her a smile. “I’m being a big kid…besides, I’ll have you for the rest of my life…Right?”
“Cris, I will always be your little Tiger.” She kissed him on the cheek again, turned, and walked off before he could kiss her on the lips. She knew he was watching her as she left.
Later that night at Evangeline’s Apartment
Evangeline was packing and singing along with the CD she was playing. She was practicing the solo her cousin wanted her to sing at the wedding rehearsal dinner. Yvonne wants to surprise Darius with the sweet lyrics of Selena’s “Dreaming of You”.
Evangeline thought it was silly at first, but her mind quickly changed as she listened to and learned the words of the song. It was a very beautiful song.
Actually, all the songs they had chosen were beautiful. For the processional Darius wants Morris to sing Jaheim’s “Forever”. For the unity candle lighting, they agreed on Morris and her singing Beyonce and Marc Anothony’s, “After All Is Said and Done.” And for the recessional, instead of her singing another solo, Layla will sing Shania Twain’s “From This Moment On.”
Focusing back on the song playing in her apartment, she couldn’t help thinking about John. As she folded another shirt and sang in sync with the track, she allowed the song to get really personal. She knew she should force herself to stop, but thoughts of him were flooding her mind. She couldn’t believe how strong they were. She closed her eyes and allowed the words to take life. “Cuz I'm dreaming of you tonight, Till tomorrow, I'll be holding you tight, And there's nowhere in the world I'd rather be Then here in my room, Dreaming about you and me”
The knocking on the door finally snapped her out of her aydreaming. She placed the pants she was folding on the couch and walked to the door. She assumed it was Layla or Yvonne, so she didn’t bother asking whom it was. They were notorious for losing their keys. When the door was completely opened and revealed John, she wished she hadn’t assumed.
Their eyes were locked as Selena sang, “I just wanna hold you close, But so far, all I have are dreams of you, So, I wait for the day and the courage to say, How much I love you (Yes, I do)”
Evangeline saw the emotions in John’s eyes and stepped back. “I-I t-thought…I thought you were Layla or Yvonne.” She turned and covered her chest then mouth. The same raw emotions she saw at the bridal shop was in his eyes now. She was trying to think but her mind was on overload with Selena’s lyrics and John’s intense eyes. She could still feel him staring at her. She rushed over to the couch to find the remote control for her stereo system. Once she found it, she pointed it towards the system and ended the music. She exhaled, gained her composure, and turned slowly to face her ex-lover.
“What can I do for you John?” She asked not in a very cordial tone. “It’s late.”
“I thought Layla moved out.” John asked innocently.
“John, I’m sure you didn’t come here to find out about Layla’s living arrangements.” She crossed her arms in front of her chest and stared at him. “What do you want?”
John shoved his hands into his pockets and closed his eyes as he silently prayed for courage. He didn’t want to mess this up. He called his father’s old partner, Pete earlier, and the retired cop was able to offer him some words of wisdom. He also informed him that his father would have found the nearest Catholic church and talked to the priest. He wasn’t ready for that, but he knew good advice when he heard it. And, right now, Evangeline was the closest thing to the saints for him.
“Why are…” Evangeline started. She was tired and didn’t feel like dealing with John and his non-verbalizing incapability.
“I’m sorry.” He cut her off as he opened up his eyes and stared into her shocked ones. “I’m sorry for hurting you.”
“What?” She asked her surprise quickly turning into confusion.
“May I come in?” He asked realizing he was still standing in the doorway and in earshot of anyone walking in the hall.
“Yes.” Evangeline watched as he stepped in and closed the door behind him.
“I messed up with you…” He started.
“John, please.” She threw her right hand up to stop him. “All this has been said.”
“No.” He said directly. “I never took ownership of hurting you or misleading Natalie. I should have stopped it along time ago, and I didn’t because I was a coward. You were…are the most wonderful thing I’ve seen in all my life.”
Evangeline turned, walked over to her opened suitcase, and listened.
“You were right earlier…at Hallowed Grounds. I used Natalie to drive you away. I felt…feel you deserve better than me.” When she glanced up, he continued. “I want to see myself the way you see me…I do…I want to offer you everything that I have inside…I’m not sure how.”
Evangeline studied him quietly as he looked up at the ceiling and sighed.
“I’m not trying to disrespect your relationship with Vega. I just…I just want…I-I want to talk…you know…with a friend.” He sighed again then looked at her. “I’m so screwed up. I want to get help…I tried five times to call Dr. Crosby today, but something won’t let me dial the damn numbers.” When he saw her look away, he cursed himself. “I see you are busy, so I will let you go.”
John turned and started for the door.
“No, John.” Evangeline sighed then continued. “I offered…I told you if you ever needed to talk.”
“I’m not good at it.” He mumbled.
“You don’t want to be good at it.” She countered. “It’s really not that hard John. You open your mouth and let words come out…it’s easy.”
“When I’m around you, the right words never seem to come out.” He confessed. “It seems I…I always say the wrong thing.”
“I don’t think so.” Evangeline revealed as she gestured for him to sit on the couch. “You just make it complicated…That’s you…I guess…you wouldn’t be John McBain if you didn’t”
“Yeah.” John stared at the couch, looked at her, and sighed. “Hey, it’s getting late. Let me take a rain check…again.”
“Okay.” Evangeline slowly started walking towards the door. She stopped in front of him and ran her hand through her hair.
They stood quiet for a few seconds and stared into each other eyes. They both searched for answers to unspoken questions between them.
“You’re beautiful.” He whispered as he gently caressed her left cheek with the back of his right hand.
She gasped remembering the words she read in his diary. Why did she need to hear the words? She silently asked herself. She saw it in his eyes when he looked at her. He showed it in his actions. Why did she need John McBain to say the words?
“I have to finish packing.” She walked passed him to the door and opened it.
John inhaled and exhaled then turned around and walked out the door. Before she closed it behind him, he looked back into her confused eyes. He knew she still loved him, but she wasn’t going to take the chance of falling hard again. Next time around, he would have to give her everything he had inside of him. He wondered if she had changed her mind about marriage, and before he realized it, he had asked her.
“I-I haven’t…I haven’t really thought about it.” She stuttered shocked by his question.
“See you later.”
“Okay.” Evangeline watched as her ex walked away from her door and to the elevator.