An Illogical Woman: Changes

Sarek sat with his son Saquil, the firepot burning before them. He was about to begin his young son’s first lesson in the art of meditation when his wife Dawn entered the room.

“I am sorry to disturb you, Sarek,” she apologized as she swept into the room, her long robes brushing against the heated wooden floors. “Makeda has arrived and she insists on speaking to you right away. She is quite distressed.”

“Is she injured, my wife?” Sarek questioned as he rose from the floor.

“She is physically fine. I think something must have happened between her and Tuven. She’s in tears and refuses to tell me what is bothering her. You must go to her, Sarek. I can continue Saquii’s lesson.”

Sarek nodded his assent, his concern for his ko’fu’al growing. She never sought his advice for relationship problems, always going to his elder son or Dawn when she felt uncomfortable speaking to her parents. They were better equipped to adequately respond to the emotional needs of a teenaged human female than he.  She had sought his council only once concerning a disagreement she had with her parents only to leave dissatisfied with his rather logical and sound opinion on the matter.

“Saquil my son, your m’aih will attend you.”

Sarek left the young boy in his mother’s capable hands before moving through the halls of his home to locate his ko’fu’al. When he did not find her in the family sitting room, his study or in the rooms set aside for her use when she made extended visits, he went to the only other logical place.

Sarek found her seated in the garden surrounded by patches of Edosian fire lilies in full bloom. Sarek had the garden planted when he first settled on New Vulcan as a memorial to his late wife Amanda. Over the years he saw fit to expand on the garden to reflect the growth in his family and in his life. Alongside the sweet smelling roses favored by his late wife grew the fragrant lavender and hyacinth plants favored by his current bondmate Dawn. He planted sunflowers for Nyota to enjoy when she and Makeda lived with him during their first year on New Vulcan.  After Makeda was born, he planned a special addition to the garden; a small fountain and pool filled with water lilies. While on Vulcan the addition of such water dependent plants would have been a great extravagance, water on New Vulcan was not so precious a resource. Sarek had spent many quiet moments with his ko’fu’al seated by the fountain, she attending to her lessons while he kept abreast of intergalactic politics on his PADD.

The Edosian fire lilies were a more recent addition to Makeda’s section of the garden. Tuven approached Sarek on the eve of Makeda’s sixteenth birthday seeking to add the plants as a surprise gift. Tuven spent many months perfecting the plants he first grew on the Enterprise in his laboratory and greenhouse, cross breeding the fire lilies with similar native plants until he produced a crop of hybrid plants that maintained the light scent and bright color of the Edosian flower but was hardy enough to thrive on New Vulcan with very little maintenance. The resulting plants were so hardy, that the blossoms of the flower lasted an entire month longer than the original plant. Makeda’s pleasure upon receiving the gift had been so great that she bounced in delight before throwing decorum to the wind and kissing her intended in full view of their assembled families.

Now Makeda sat amongst her treasured flowers furiously pulling the plants up by the roots.

“Tal-kam,” Sarek called as he bent down next to the young woman, “what is the meaning of this?”

Tears streamed freely down Makeda’s brown cheeks as she continued to uproot the plants.

“I hate him and I hate his stupid lilies,” Makeda said through clenched teeth.

Sarek caught her hands in his, willing her to drop the innocent plants. “You must stop this irrational behavior, tal-kam. Please, tell your sa’mekh’al what distresses you.”

Makeda seemed to deflate; her wrists now limp in her grandfather’s grasp. Sarek released her hands to gently brush away a few clumps of soil that clung to her cheeks and hair as a result of her frenzied actions. The gentle action only caused Makeda to weep with more force.

Sarek’s face remained impassive as he watched his granddaughter, his heart clenching. After many years experience living with illogical human women, Sarek did the only thing that he could do. He gathered his granddaughter close to him, rubbing her back gently as she buried her face in his robes. He was reminded of all the other times he comforted Makeda and all the times he had refused such comfort to his own son when he was a small child. He felt afresh the consuming grief and anger that warred within his son at the death of his mother and home and the painful delivery of his confession that had done more work than all of the caresses he had denied his son as a youth.

Please, tell me what distresses you, she that is dear to me.

“Tuven…Tuven wants to be released from our bond,” Makeda choked out before another wave of grief and anger moved through her.

Sarek was truly surprised. The love between Tuven and Makeda was strong and had only grown as they matured. Both families expected Tuven to declare koon-ut so’lik any day and for the bond to be completed.

“Why had he done this?”

“I…I cannot bear to speak it, sa’mekh’al.”

“Then show me.”

Makeda lifted her head from her grandfather’s shoulder and lifted one hand to his face.

Suddenly Sarek found himself looking out through Makeda’s eyes. She was seated with Tuven on a sheet underneath a tree in what appeared to be an orchard, no doubt on Tuven’s family farm.  They were in a very intimate pose, the thick trees of the orchard providing them privacy. Tuven lay with his head in Makeda’s lap, his eyes closed and his features relaxed as Makeda ran her fingers through his hair. She laughed softly as she made the thick ebony strands stick out from his head in all directions.

“I shall never comprehend why you take such delight in rearranging my hair,” Tuven replied, the deep rumble of his voice betraying his contentment. “The traditional hairstyle is completely suitable for my needs.”

“Just be thankful that there are no flowers or barrettes at my disposal,” Makeda drawled as she continued her movements. “My pretty sa’kugalsu.”

“Your handsome sa’kugalsu,” Tuven corrected as he rose from his prone position to kiss her lightly on the lips.

“Yes, my very handsome sa’kugalsu,” Makeda answered as she nuzzled his cheek. “My handsome, intelligent, talented sa’kugalsu.”

Makeda punctuated each word with a chaste kiss to his lips.

Tuven purred lightly as he lifted two fingers of his right hand. Makeda smiled against his mouth before lifting the fingers of her left hand to touch his.

Sarek felt the flame of Tuven’s desire for his granddaughter sweep through the enhanced bond and Makeda’s answering arousal. The impression of these past emotions was overcome by a wave of Makeda’s present embarrassment.

It is illogical to be ashamed of the desire you and your fiancé have for one another. It is a rare gift, ko’fu’al. Your bonding will be most satisfying.

Makeda’s embarrassment was replaced by sorrow.

Keep watching, sa’mekh’al.

“I have been planning your celebratory dinner for your acceptance into the Vulcan Science Academy,” Makeda continued as she moved back from Tuven, placing one hand against his chest to prevent him from moving in for another kiss. The smallest of frowns turned down the corners of his mouth causing Makeda to laugh lightly in satisfaction.

“I do not require a celebratory meal, Makeda.”

“No one requires a celebration, k’diwa. But, it is too late to back out now. I’ve already finished baking your favorite bread and done the prep work for all your favorite dishes.”

“A replicator would have required no preparation, Makeda.”

“But replicated food isn’t made with love,” Makeda insisted seating herself in Tuven’s lap to play with his ears. “I’m making mother’s okra curry that you like so much, plomeek soup eventhough you know I can’t stand it, the vegan lasagna I made you for your 20th birthday…”

Tuven began to purr lightly again due to Makeda’s attention to his sensitive ears and the description of the meal she was to prepare.

“While it is true that I enjoy all of those dishes, ashayam, they hardly compliment one another. The curry or lasagna alone would be sufficient for an adequate meal.”

“But, it is not just another meal,” Makeda pouted. “It’s a feast in your honor. I command you to attend and enjoy yourself without any logical humbuggery.”

“Humbuggery?” Tuven questioned before the feel of Makeda’s lips upon his erased all argument from his mind.

This time Tuven quickly took the lead, kissing his intended until she was breathless with want.

“I count the minutes until I can claim you for my wife, k’diwa,” Tuven murmured against her hair. “It is illogical to wait until after we have completed our studies at the Academy. When you finish your under schooling and matriculate to the Academy we can finally plathau. Then we shall be completely one soul and one flesh.”

Tuven began to kiss her once more until he felt trepidation mingle with the pleasure through their bond.

“What ails you, k’diwa? Do you not desire our joining as greatly as I?”

Tuven regarded Makeda in silence for many long moments.

“You do not wish to complete our bond?”

“No,” Makeda cried as she grasped Tuven’s hands intensifying their link. She broadcast her love and desire through the bond. “I love you, Tuven. I want nothing more than to call you sa-telsu.”

Makeda sighed at the feeling of Tuven’s relief washing over her.

“Then why do you hesitate?”

“I do not intend to apply to the Vulcan Science Academy.”

Sarek’s own surprise at this confession matched Tuven’s.

Are you certain, ko’fu’al.

Please, continue to watch, grandfather.

“You do not wish to attend the VSA? I had logically assumed that we would matriculate to the same institution. If not the Academy, where do you intend to further your education?”

Makeda, dropped his hands and her eyes.

“I have been speaking to Dawn about her education on Earth. She attended Cambridge University and found the educational opportunities there to be quite excellent. She believes that I would be an ideal candidate for their Federation Comparative Literature doctoral program.”

“Literature? Could you not study literature recreationally? The colony would be much better served if your course of study were in a scientific field. Perhaps you could study medicine…”

“Literature is a useful course of study, Tuven. What would our Vulcan culture be without the great poets and writers of eras past? While we as a people have excelled in the scientific arena, our great cultural heritage has suffered. So much has happened in our lifetime and in that of our parents yet hardly any Vulcans have saw fit to record it in verse or song.”

“Our historical archivists are more than capable of preserving our history, Makeda.”

Makeda sat and watched her fiancé sadly. Tuven had never truly understood her love of ancient literature. Indeed, none of her Vulcan relatives seemed to understand her fascination. However, her parents indulged her fancy as long as she continued to perform admirably in school. However, she could sense that there was something more behind Tuven’s arguments.

“You are angry with me,” Makeda whispered. “You do not wish me to go to Earth.”

“You are correct. I do not want you to go to Earth. Indeed, I forbid you from going and I demand that you apply to the VSA.”

Makeda quickly shot to her feet, her own anger radiating through their bond.

“You cannot forbid me from doing anything, Tuven. You are not my father and I am of age to make my own decisions.”

Tuven rose as well, his face stony and his dark eyes glittering. “I am he that is to be your husband,” he replied, his calm voice belying the fury Makeda felt searing her through their link. “I enact my rights as your husband. Your body and all that is you are mine to direct.”

“You don’t own me, Tuven, and you are not my husband yet!” Makeda replied through clenched teeth.

“According to Vulcan law I have been your husband and you have been my wife since the moment we bonded fifteen years, five days, eight hours, thirty-five minutes and ten seconds ago.”

“You cannot claim me until we complete kal’i’farr, or have you forgotten your honeyed words from a moment ago,” Makeda answered as she stepped towards him, her hands firmly on her hips.

“You will abandon this illogical plan and apply to the Vulcan Science Academy as is your duty.”

“I will not.”

They starred at each other in silence for several minutes each waiting for the other to back down. Makeda was the first to relent, her defiant posture deflating, as her eyes grew wide and plaintive.

“Please don’t be angry with me, Tuven,” she pleaded as she cupped the side of his face with one hand. “I spoke the truth when I said that I want nothing more than to call you sa’telsu. I have loved you since I first met you all those years ago. You remember, do you not?”

“My memory is excellent,” Tuven replied as he resisted the urge to lean into her touch.

“You were so kind when all the other children were so cruel. You did not even know me but even then you were concerned for me. You have always been so good to me, Tuven,” Makeda smiled up at him, her eyes wet and wide. She slowly brought her other hand up to rest on his side, pressing gently over the place where his heart beat strong and steady against his ribs. “Your beautiful heart drew me to you.”

Tuven dropped his chin to gently rest his forehead against hers. They remained in that posture for several minutes, Tuven basking in the warmth of the love Makeda radiated through their bond.

“I need to go to Earth to study, Tuven,” Makeda continued after a while. “Cambridge has an excellent program and I could stay with my cousins who don’t live that far from the university. It would also give me a chance to really experience Terran culture… ”

Tuven stiffened in her arms and quickly lifted his forehead from hers.

“You want to be with humans. That is why you refuse the VSA.”

“Well, yes in a way,” Makeda confessed. “I have never lived on Earth for more than a few short visits with my Grandmother Uhura or my father’s cousins. It would be nice to live for a time in a place where I am not viewed as alien, to be normal for once.”

“But, you are Vulcan. Your place is here with your people and with me.”

“I may be Vulcan, but I am three quarters human. Indeed, I am never allowed to forget it,” Makeda sighed as she stepped back from him. “You cannot know what it is like for me, Tuven. Everywhere I go I meet with terse disapproval. I smile too much. My voice has too much inflection. I require too much rest. I am always too much. It would be nice to live as a human for a time. To be just enough.”

“You are Vulcan enough for me, Makeda. You are human enough as well,” Tuven replied as he reached out to grasp her hand.

“I wish that was enough,” Makeda replied, wrapping her arms around herself. “I have to go to Earth. It will just be for three years, maybe even less. I need this time, Tuven.”

Tuven stared at her, his eyes unblinking. Sarek felt a wave of pain through the bond as if his heart were being wrenched from his side before he felt nothing. Tuven had blocked Makeda completely from his mind.  Sarek felt nearly overcome by Makeda’s resulting panic. She had never been so completely shielded from Tuven during their entire bond. She felt adrift and alone in the caverns of her mind. She mentally pushed against the barrier separating them, but the wall was firm and unyielding.

“Tuven, why have you done this?” Makeda’s voice sounded fearful to her own ears.

“As you have expressed your need to be human, it would only be logical to reevaluate our plans to marry. It is fortunate that we chose to delay the plathau. A healer should be able to undo our bond with little trouble.”

“Tuven, what are you saying? I don’t want to break our bond!”

“It has become apparent to me that you would be much better served by taking a human mate. Perhaps you can find a suitable candidate during your studies at Cambridge. “

“I do not want a human husband,” Makeda replied, her eyes beginning to fill with tears. “I only want you, Tuven.”

“If that were truly your desire, you would not have kept your plans from me. Indeed, you would not wish to leave New Vulcan to ‘live as a human.’”

“I need to go, Tuven. Please understand!”

“My understanding is perfect. Just as you need to live as a human, I require a Vulcan mate,” Tuven coldly replied, ignoring her tears.

“But, I love you.”

“Love is a human emotion. It is an insufficient and illogical basis for a lifelong bond. I do not regret our kan-telan, Makeda. We were young and immature and it suited our needs at the time. However, the time has come for us to leave childish things behind.”

“Tuven, please.”

“I will be unable to attend dinner at your home this evening. Please extend my apologies to Mama…Lady Uhura, Ambassadors Spock and Sarek and the Lady Dawn. Live, long and prosper.”

Sarek came to himself once more as Makeda ended the bond. She resumed her former position curled up against her sa’mekh’al, her head tucked under his chin in a pose reminiscent of her childhood. He remembered how he held after her fourth day of school when she had engaged in a physical altercation with another student. Afterwards he had met Tuven, so small and young yet already fiercely attached to his ko’fu’al, now her protector had hurt her more deeply than all of the harsh words and physical blows her classmates had once heaped upon her.

While part of Sarek wanted to punish Tuven for causing his beloved granddaughter such anguish, he also felt a strange kinship with the young Vulcan. He knew Tuven’s reaction had been borne out of his fierce love for Makeda and out of fear. Fear and love where emotions most Vulcans would seek to deny, but Sarek knew them to be forces that warred within the Vulcan heart even more fiercely than in humans.

Love and fear had driven him to disown his own son when he chose Starfleet over the Vulcan Science Academy. He felt that his son was choosing to abandon his people and his heritage by joining the primarily human organization. Sarek had wanted nothing more than for his son to follow in his own footsteps by swiftly rising within the ranks of the Academy and going on to a prestigious position among the Vulcan elite. Sarek wanted him to prove to the naysayers what he himself had always known to be true, that Spock did not live by halves; he was fully Vulcan With his rejection of the Academy, part of Sarek felt that he himself had been rejected. He also feared that he would lose his son to the allure of Earth and their permissive culture would be too appealing for him to ever return to Vulcan. Sarek did not believe in fate, but he was now thankful for his son’s decision.

“Do not be distressed, ko’fu’al,” Sarek began once she had regained mastery over her emotions. “Tuven acted out of anger and fear. Allow him time to come to terms with your choice and he will return to you.”

“Am I wrong to want to study on Earth for a time, sa’mekh’al?”

“Your choice is a logical one, my daughter. Like your father before you, you are a child of two worlds. In choosing for a time to experience one you are not rejecting the other. Indeed, your life will be made richer by the experience. You will come to better appreciate all aspects of your heritage. Have you discussed your decision with your parents?”

“No,” Makeda answered, looking down at her hands. “While it is my desire to study on Earth, I am not yet firm in my decision to study at Cambridge. I know they would want me to follow their path and join Starfleet, but I know in my heart that is not for me. I do not have the same desire to explore the stars.”

Makeda gently picked up a few broken fire lilies, their stems snapped and petals bruised in her frenzied attack on the flowerbed. 

“I feel as if I spent half of my life on a starship or here planetside while they were away on one mission or another. There are enough delights to be discovered here to content me. I know Tuven has no great desire to explore the stars, although I think he would love to get his hands on as many alien plant specimens as possible. I have seldom seen him so content as when he was allowed free reign of Uncle Hikaru’s labs.”

Makeda took a shuddering breath at the mention of Tuven. Sarek could tell by the determined look on her face that she was trying valiantly not to cry once more.

“I love him so much, sa’mekh’al. Just these past few hours separated from him have been excruciating. I cannot imagine living the rest of my life without experiencing the touch of his mind again.”

Sarek reached out and gently cupped Makeda’s chin in his hand. “It is my fervent wish that you never experience that pain, Makeda.”

“How did you…how did you cope when m’aih’al was taken from you?” Makeda’s voice was barely above a whisper, her tone tentative and afraid.

“I grieved for many years,” Sarek answered, his eyes clear and his tone steady. “Slowly the hole left by our separation was filled. I lost much that day, but my son was restored to me in addition to an elder son. I gained a much-loved daughter who gifted me with you, ko’fu’al. Then life sought to give me another a’duna and more children. A part of the hole still remains, as it always shall. However, I rejoice in what I have been given and no longer mourn for that which is lost to me.”

*****************

Spock Prime slowly made his way to the sitting room of his abode. He found Tuven waiting for him, standing stiffly by the window.

“Greetings, Tuven,” Spock called to him as he approached the young Vulcan. “Thank you for agreeing to meet with me.”

“It is my pleasure, Ambassador,” Tuven replied as he bowed his head stiffly. “I have long appreciated your friendship and counsel. I hope that the alteration in my relationship with Makeda will not adversely impact our own relationship to too great a degree.”

“That is my hope as well, Tuven,” Spock answered honestly as he motioned for Tuven to take a seat. “Would you care for some tea or perhaps a biscuit prepared by my a’duna? They are quite good. No? Then that shall leave more for me. I have found that my sweet tooth has grown in my old age.”

Tuven sat back watching the Ambassador slowly devour his sweet biscuits and cup of steaming tea. After about three minutes of this activity, Spock’s keen eyes noticed that Tuven began to slightly fidget, drumming his fingers against each other in a manner that reminded him of Makeda. No doubt in their years bound to one another, each had unconsciously adopted some of the other’s habits.

“Well, I suppose you are curious to know why I have asked you here.”

“Yes, the question did cross my mind, Ambassador.”

“My reason for meeting you should not be that great of a mystery, Tuven. I want you to reconsider your decision regarding your marriage to Makeda and her choice to study on Earth.”

Tuven grew very still, his fidgeting fingers clinched against his thigh.

“I believe that my decision is a logical one, Ambassador. Makeda is human and I am Vulcan. A human mate would be better suited to her needs.”

“Your decision may be logical, but that does not mean that it is right. Nor does it mean that you came to that decision using logic,” Spock replied, one eyebrow raised high in challenge.

“Ambassador, I do not think that it is proper for me to discuss my relationship with Makeda with you,” Tuven replied as he stood from his seat.

“I have upset you,” Spock replied, a hint of amusement evident in his voice. “Please, Tuven, sit down. I am practically Makeda’s father, so what causes her distress is my business. Plus, I am your elder by more than two hundred years. It would be wise to listen to my counsel.”

Tuven resumed his seat, his posture as stiff and unyielding as before.

“Thank you,” Spock said with a slight smile before taking another long sip from his cup of tea. “Now, I can guess the cause of your distress over Makeda’s decision to study on Earth.  You fear that she will meet a human male and begin to find your lack of emotional expression to be a deficiency. She will break the bond, marry a human and stay on Earth.”

Tuven’s eyes shifted the tiniest bit, another tell that Spock had learned to recognize over their long relationship.

“Not only do you fear losing her but you fear that she would be correct in her decision to choose a human male over yourself. You also think that now is the time to assert your dominance after you have spent over fifteen years happily yielding to her. So, you have given her a choice: stay on New Vulcan and attend the VSA or travel to Earth and break your bond.”

Tuven fidgeted again. Spock smiled sadly.

“Allow me to tell you a story, Tuven,” Spock held up his hand as Tuven opened his mouth as if to object. “It is short and true. You shall also find it very beneficial. Once there was young half-Vulcan…”

Tuven listened attentively to Spock’s story detailing his decades long estrangement from his father and his regret over his missed chance for a deeper relationship with his Nyota Uhura. Stubbornness had kept him and his father apart until necessity brought them briefly together once more. Fear and self-doubt had kept him from expanding his relationship with Uhura from friend to lover and perhaps one-day bondmate, a transition he knew she would have welcomed; a transition he now knew could have resulted in a most satisfying life.

“I am Vulcan. I control my emotions, they do not control me,” Tuven stated at the end of Spock’s story.

“Yes, that is what they teach us,” Spock replied as he sipped his tea. “However, we both know that statement is too simple to be absolute. Look into yourself and answer these questions. Was it merely logic that first led you to approach Makeda when she first caught your eye? Was it only logic that compelled you to fight Makeda’s attackers even after they relented in their attentions to her? Was it logic that led you to flaunt convention and request permission to bond with her? Did you eat a half-pound of chocolate on board the Enterprise because it was rational? Yes, they told me that story as well Tuven,” Spock smiled kindly at Tuven’s widening eyes. “Tell, me Tuven, is it logic that now leads you to sever your bond with Makeda and to block her from your thoughts?”

Tuven sat in quiet contemplation for several moments, his eyes fixed on some point on the floor. Spock stood from his seat and Tuven hastily rose as well.

“On some level we are all illogical people, Tuven,” Spock began. “This is not always an evil. I look forward to discovering the result of your ruminations. Please feel free to take some biscuits with you. I find meditation works up quite an appetite.”

Tuven returned Spock’s salute before departing, his pockets full of sweetened biscuits and his mind full of questions.

Tal-kam= dear

Koon-ut so’lik= marriage proposal

Plathau= the act of consummating a marriage by the first act of marital intercourse

Sa’kugalsu= fiancé, a male engaged to a woman

Sa-telsu= husband

Kal’i’farr= the state or act of marriage

Kan-telan= the bonding of children