Chapter 13

When Julianna arrived at the drugstore to pick up her mother's prescription, she stopped at the magazine rack to check out the latest fashion and teen magazines. As she scanned the various covers, a national periodical that advertised an interview with her father caught her eye. On impulse, she grabbed the publication and headed for the counter to pay for her items.

Once outside, she decided to walk a few blocks to a nearby park. She stopped at one of the vendor carts and purchased a diet soda and a bag of hot buttered popcorn. Spotting an oak tree that offered refuge from the blazing sun, she plopped herself down on the dry grass.

After taking a gulp of the refreshing beverage and munching on a handful of popcorn, she bent her legs at the knees and spread the magazine across her jean-clad thighs. She thumbed through the magazine until she reached her father's interview and was treated to a full-page color photo of him. She stared at his picture for a long moment, her mother's words echoing in her mind.

"Your father is right here," she heard her mother say. "Talk to him, Julianna. Ask him whatever questions you want."

Julianna shook her head as if to free herself from her mother's words and began to read the accompanying interview. What she learned astounded her. A.J. had talked openly to the interviewer about his days as an active alcoholic. He mentioned how he had been to rehab three times and how it wasn't until he'd attended "Changes" that any real, lasting progress had taken place in his life. The descriptions of his hospitalizations and the treatments he'd undergone made her physically ill. He talked about going through detox and how his own family had had to tie him down in the hospital bed several times. He talked candidly about how terrifying withdrawal is. The article depicted a man who said he felt as though he were going to die and sometimes wished he had.

The positive spin on the very graphic and detailed interview was that he got to talk about the company he had founded and the strides they were making towards helping others, especially teens, to understand that there was a better answer than drinking and taking drugs.

The article concluded with A.J. proclaiming that people do have a choice and that his program seeks to help them stay on the right course.

When Julianna finished reading the intense article, she leaned her head back against the tall oak and closed her eyes. She tried to imagine what her father must have gone through and knew she couldn't fathom an ordeal such as the one he'd described. The images that flashed in her mind of what his life must have been like back then made her shiver despite the 80 degree weather. After a few moments, she opened her eyes and turned back to the page that contained the photo of A.J.

Would anyone, looking at you now, she thought, believe what you have endured? I have to talk to you.

Once her decision had been made, she ran, not walked, all the way home.

*~*

A.J. and Keesha breathed a collective sigh of relief when they heard Julianna come through the front door. A.J. stood at the end of the hallway.

"How come you left without telling us?" he asked, before he noticed her labored breathing as she reached him. "Why are you out of breath?"

"I...ran...all the way...home."

She leaned against the wall to slow down her heart rate and to catch her breath.

"Why?" A.J. asked, thinking the worst. "Was someone after you?"

She shook her head.

A.J. let her calm down so she could answer him.

"I need...to talk...to you."

"Okay."

"In the kitchen," she said.

"All right, but visit with your mother first."

Julianna, her breathing returning to normal, nodded and entered her mother's room.

"I'm sorry if I worried you," she said.

"You didn't," Keesha assured her daughter. "I thought you probably went to pick up my prescription. I told A.J. you knew he was here."

"Before I left, you two seemed to be sharing...a moment," she said, looking uncomfortable. "I didn't want to interrupt. I thought I'd be back before you noticed I was gone."

"I understand."

"At the drugstore, there...there was a magazine that caught my attention. It has an interview with A.J. I bought it, Mama, and I read it. I...I'd like to talk to him about it. Is that okay?"

"Of course it's okay. Go ahead. A.J. wants to talk to us, too, about something he found out about my condition, but right now, I'm ready to take a nap. When I wake up, the three of us will talk."

"Okay. I'll tell A.J. Sleep well, Mama. I'm glad you're feeling better."

"Thank you."

Julianna pulled the covers tighter around her mother's body and kissed her cheek. Keesha reached to hold her daughter's hand.

"I'm glad you read that magazine."

Julianna smiled. "Me, too."

*~*

When Julianna entered the kitchen, she saw that A.J. had poured them each a tall glass of lemonade and had placed a few homemade chocolate chip cookies on a plate.

"Thank you," she said, taking a seat across from him. "You're getting to know your way around this kitchen."

A.J. nodded and smiled. "I guess I am. You sounded serious. I thought this might take a while. What do you want to talk about?"

"This," Julianna said, placing the publication on the table and turning it to the interview with A.J. "I saw this at the drugstore, and I bought it. I read the entire article. A.J., is what you say in here true?"

"Mind if I glance through the article?" he asked. "I want to make sure I wasn't misquoted."

She nodded and pushed the magazine towards him. While he quickly read it, she drank some of her lemonade and ate a cookie.

"Yes," he said, looking at her after he'd finished reading the interview. "It's true. Why?"

"Because it's horrible!" she exclaimed. "Your own family had you tied down in a hospital bed! That's just cruel!"

"Maybe," he said, "but it was also necessary."

"Why? If you're already in a hospital bed with railings, I presume, why would you have to be tied down?"

"Because of the threat a person heavily intoxicated is to himself or herself and others. Railings wouldn't have kept me in that bed if that's not where I wanted to be."

"But your own family ordered you to be tied to the bed? Why? Why did it have to be them? There must have been other medical personnel who could have looked after you. Did they want to see you strapped down? Did they take some kind of perverse pleasure in treating you like an animal? Is that why? Were they that angry with you? I don't understand, A.J. Help me to understand."

"Sweetheart, I put my family through a lot of agony when I was drinking. Both of my parents are doctors. My father was the chief of staff. I kept messing up. Big time. When they would have to admit me to the hospital, they would have to tie me down. It's standard procedure for a person who is at risk to harm himself or others."

Julianna, in obvious distress, shook her head. "I couldn't imagine ever having to do that to someone. Especially not someone in my family. I can't imagine you having to be strapped to a hospital bed. It sounds like something out of a horror movie."

"That's what it felt like during those demonic times, Julianna. I felt as if I was in a horror movie, and I had been cast as the lead monster."

"Is that why you said...I mean, did you...were you...did you really want to...die? Why would you say that, A.J.? Were you really that miserable that you...that you would have rather been...dead?"

Julianna's voice caught on the last word. She jumped up from her chair, almost knocking it over, and turned away from her father as tears of heartfelt anguish filled her eyes. A.J. stood and crossed to stand behind her. He wanted to touch her, to hold her, but he didn't know if she would flee. Instead he spoke softly.

"Too much alcohol distorts your thinking, your feelings. It blurs the line between reality and fiction. When I was drinking, Julianna, I didn't care about anything or anybody. All I wanted was that next fix. I had to have a drink, no matter what the cost, to myself or to others. I led a miserable life, and yes, sweetheart, sometimes I did believe I would be better off, and everybody else would be, too, if I were no longer around. But once I came out of my alcohol-induced stupor, then I would begin to feel better about myself and my life until something would happen that I would use as an excuse to start drinking again. It's a vicious circle, Julianna, and I don't wish it on anybody."

She turned and stared at her father.

"You talk so clinically about all of this, and yet, what's printed on those pages is your life. How...how can you put yourself on the line like that? How can you be so open about the things you did when you were drinking? Don't you fear ridicule or that people won't want to be associated with you? You must have shocked the man who interviewed you."

"I probably did. I hope I shock more than him, Julianna. If I can't be honest about what I went through, then I can't help anybody. People have to know there's hope. I want people to read what I went through to know they are not alone and to know that someone else has been where they are and has survived and even thrived. I want people, kids especially, who may think drinking is no big deal to read the truth from someone who's been through it. Drinking is advertised as being glamorous. It's supposed to make you popular and fun-loving, but it doesn't, Julianna. The trail of ugliness it leaves in its wake when too much alcohol is consumed is brutal."

"Does your family care about you now that you're sober?"

"For a lot of reasons, Julianna, I'm not in touch with my family. I haven't been since I moved to Manhattan. It just works better for all of us."

"But they know about this, right? They know what you've accomplished and what you're doing, don't they?"

A.J. shrugged. "I honestly don't know."

"But that's terrible! How can you not know what they think, what they feel, whether or not they care about you?"

"Because in order to get sober, I had to make some very difficult choices. My family disowned me. To them, I was never going to get any better. I left Port Charles a broken man. I didn't know what I was going to do or where I was going to go, but my family said they wanted nothing more to do with me, and I knew they meant it. It's true that you have to hit rock bottom. I did."

"You mean you could've ended up, maybe in a gutter somewhere, all alone?"

The thought sent chills down Julianna's spine. She would have never wanted that to happen!

"That could've happened, but for a man who was passing out pamphlets on a street corner."

"About 'Changes'?" she asked.

"Yes. I had nothing, except the clothes on my back when I went to them. They give you shelter, at first, and then, once the alcohol is out of your system, they tell you some very hard, cold facts about what your life has become."

"What made you stick with them? Didn't you want a drink?"

"Julianna, all I wanted was a drink."

"So how did they help you? How did you not drink?"

"I went to a lot of meetings. I still go to AA meetings. I worked with my counselor. I had no family or friends, to speak of, but the people at 'Changes' convinced me I could still have a productive life. They were right."

Julianna shook her head at her own stubbornness. "I was wrong not to have read any of those articles about you. Mama is right, A.J. It took reading about your life for myself to see how far you've come. I realize I could have and should have asked you questions instead of just assuming that your life had been easy. I understand now that it hasn't been easy at all."

"I'm glad you took the time to read that article, and I'm pleased you wanted to ask me these questions. I want you to ask me anything, Julianna. Otherwise, I know you'll continue to have doubts, and I don't want that."

She nodded.

His winsome smile managed to chip away more of the ice that had gathered around her heart. She decided it was time to make him an offer, too.

"I want to tell you something, A.J."

"I'm listening."

"It goes both ways. I want you to feel free to ask me about my life, too. I think it's only fair."

"I have so many questions I want to ask you. It might take all night."

"That's okay," she said, realizing she wanted to spend more time with A.J. "If Mama is still asleep, let's continue to talk."