Chapter 36

"I couldn't believe my eyes when I saw you at the mausoleum," Alan said.

Father and son had returned to A.J.'s hotel suite.

"You almost had to put your CPR skills to work," A.J. said.

"I'm sorry I spooked you. I heard some of what you were saying, and I instinctively reached out to touch you."

"It's the most contact we've had in eleven years."

Alan nodded as he took a seat on the divan. A.J. sat next to him. Now that he had a closer look at him, A.J. couldn't help but notice that his father had aged. His hair was mostly gray, and his worry lines had increased and deepened.

"After you left the house, your mother and I got into a huge fight. I needed to get away. I guess it was fate that led me to where you were."

A.J.'s eyes roamed to the papers that lay on the table.

"I was there because Justus gave me a letter that Grandfather had written to me before he died. I just...I needed to reach out to Grandfather and Grandmother."

"You know, A.J., your mother and I thought for sure you would come back or at least call us when you found out your grandmother had died. She never treated you badly. How could you not honor her life and her memory?"

"I did honor Grandmother's life. In my own way."

"But not with your family, A.J. You should have been at her funeral."

"Would you have let me, Dad?" A.J. asked pointedly.

At Alan’s perplexed look, A.J. continued. "I'm asking an honest question. If I had come back for Grandmother's services, would you have let me mourn like everyone else? Would you have allowed me my time of sorrow and grief or would you have jumped on me the minute you found the opportunity, the circumstances be damned?"

"Your mother and I, as well as other family members, especially your grandfather, would have had questions for you but, of course, we would have allowed you to grieve. What kind of a question is that?"

"A very valid one as far as I'm concerned. Let me ask you this. Why didn't you give me a chance to explain my situation to you when Keesha, Julianna and I were in your home? I had no sooner introduced you and Mom to my daughter than you had to start in with the derogatory remarks. Why, Dad? Am I still that easy of a target for you? You didn't want to listen to anything I had to say. You still don’t know why I’m even here. And I bet you don’t care. All you want is to make sure I know, once more, what a disappointment I am to the family."

"You are a disappointment, A.J. You could have and should have handled this whole situation very differently. Your mother and I should have met Julianna after we’d had a chance to talk to you. Alone. We couldn't talk about the issues between us with your daughter and Keesha present in the room."

"You didn't seem to have a problem letting my daughter know exactly what you think of me!"

A.J. jumped up from the sofa and began to pace the room.

"Is this how it's going to be every time our paths cross?" he demanded. "Are we never going to get past any of our issues to forge any kind of a relationship or at least a truce?"

"You tell me," Alan said, now standing. "You seem to be the one with all the answers these days."

A.J.'s eyes narrowed. "What the hell does that mean?"

"Oh, come on, A.J. You think I don't read newspapers and magazines. I know you've been interviewed by the best reporters out there."

"And that has what exactly to do with this conversation?"

"You're a big shot now. Isn't that what you've always wanted and what you thought the family was holding you back from? You have it all, A.J. And now you have a ready-made family to go along with your monumental success. Congratulations to you."

As A.J. took a moment to study his father, really study him, a light began to dawn. Was it possible his father was envious of him? But how could that be? And yet...

"I know I have no right to ask that you be happy for me," A.J. said, "but I would like to know why you sound so bitter. What is it I've done? Do you know how hard it is for me to hear you talk that way to me? How hard it’s always been to be on the receiving end of your wrath? It gets old, Dad. It gets very old very quickly."

"Do *you* know how hard it is to try to explain to people that your son, who is so successful helping other people, can't even find the time to be with his own family during their time of grief?!"

"You want to know why I didn't come back for Grandmother's funeral?"

"Yes, A.J.," Alan said, exasperated. "I damn well do want to know why. And why you couldn't even spare a moment for your own grandfather, too!"

A.J.'s eyes never left his father's face. "Right before Emily told me that grandmother had passed away, I'd had to go back for more help. I hadn't taken a drink, but I was thisclose to losing everything I had fought so hard for. When Emily told me that grandmother was ailing, I'd made arrangements to come here. I did. You can ask her. You can ask Skye. But I still harbored so much anger and resentment that when I thought about returning, it literally made me sick. My counselor admitted me, very discreetly, into the hospital so I could get the help I needed. I swear I never took that drink, but that didn't mean I didn't know how much I had let the family down. I knew you and Mom were expecting me. I know I should've been here. But it wasn't worth it to me if I started drinking again. That's all you and Mom and the others would have seen. I come home, after six years of sobriety and making it on my own, and in one or two days, I go right back to being the Quartermaine drunk? I couldn't do it, Dad. I'm sorry, but I just couldn't do it."

"A.J.," Alan said, his tone softer, "we could've helped you. We would've helped you."

"You couldn't have helped me. If I had taken a drink, that would've been the end. There would have been no going back, and I would've given up. I almost had given up in Manhattan, but thank goodness I had the sense to call my counselor instead of heading for the nearest bar. I don't know what you feel towards me, Dad. I don't know if you want to throttle me or punish me in some way or if you can finally let some of this resentment go, but I can't play the games anymore. I can't. And more importantly, I won't."

"I feel as though you brought Julianna into our home to flaunt her in front of your mother and me, especially me. I was angry at the situation, and I took it out on you. I never should have done that. But you don't know the hell your mother and I went through all those years ago."

"What was I supposed to do? I'm pleading for an answer, Dad. Tell me what I should have done after you threw me out of the house in front of everyone, including Jason and Courtney. You don't think I was humiliated?"

"See, that's one of the problems I've always had. You get to feel put upon and upset and humiliated and all those other emotions, but you have never once stopped to think what your drunken behavior has caused your family to feel. Do you think Courtney enjoyed being taunted by you that night? Do you think Jason appreciated the accusations and insults you hurled at him? I'm not talking about right and wrong here, A.J., I'm talking about entitlement. It was fine when *you* decided to disrupt our lives with one of your liquored-up outbursts, but how dare we say or feel anything in return? It doesn't work like that. I'm sorry, but it doesn't."

"You're right. I know that now. Dad, I'm not excusing my behavior back then. I'm not. But what I'm asking of you now is what is it you want me to do? Do you want me to stay away? I can do that. Do you want me to call or come by? I can do that, too. But I refuse to play these useless mind games. I don't know what you're feeling or thinking. You're my father, but you're unreadable to me. What is it you want from me, Dad? Please, tell me."

"For starters, I want you to come to the house. Alone. And I want you to apologize to your mother for never having contacted her this whole time. And I want the apology to be a sincere one."

"I can do that," A.J. said. "I know I've hurt Mom. I’ll talk to her. But where does that leave you and me?"

"It leaves us still needing to work through some major issues. I was also going to demand that you visit your grandfather and your grandmother, but you accomplished that on your own. I want to hear you apologize to your mother, and I want you to listen carefully to what your mother has to say to you. This is it as far as I'm concerned, A.J. You are either going to be a part of this family and know that you have certain obligations, or you can just forget about us entirely, and we'll gladly do the same."

"Julianna thought you already had when she looked at the photograph table," A.J. said quietly.

"That was done for a reason," Alan said. "I wanted to shock you."

"I wasn't all that surprised to be honest," A.J. said. "But I was surprised Mom went along with it."

"Your mother didn't know I had done it until Julianna mentioned it."

"Do you really despise me that much?"

A.J. hated that he was letting his father get to him, but he didn't know how else he was supposed to feel.

"I'm disappointed in you, A.J. And I need you to understand the depth of that disappointment. My father wasn't an easy man to get along with either, and we had our share of problems, but we stood by each other and we fought our way through our battles."

"You wanted me to stay so you and I could fight?"

"No, A.J. I wanted you to stay because you are my son."

"Then why did you order me to leave?" he asked, genuinely confused.

"I wanted you out of the house for that night and possibly the next, but dammit, A.J., I didn't expect to go eleven years without seeing you!"

A.J. saw his father's face crumble, and he realized he had finally witnessed one moment of unveiled truth concerning his father's emotional state.

"You didn't really want things to change, did you?" A.J. asked, his voice low. "And you never thought I would be the one who would or could change them. Isn't that right, Dad?"

Alan pulled himself together and headed for the door without answering his son's question. "Tomorrow morning," Alan said, his hand on the doorknob. "I expect to see you at the house."

"I’ll be there," he said.

He even managed a small smile.

*~*

Ready to call it a night, A.J. heard a knock on his door. He looked out and saw Julianna. He opened the door and quickly ushered her in.

"Is everything okay?" he asked.

"Yes. Everything’s fine."

A.J. gave her a stern look. "It’s late. Why aren’t you home?"

Julianna smiled. "It’s okay. Mama knows I’m here."

"How did you get here?"

"Michael and I went to see a movie. He walked me to the hotel. I thought maybe you wouldn’t mind taking me home?"

"Of course not. Sit down. Are you thirsty? Hungry?"

"No. The buttered popcorn tasted sooo good. So did the M&Ms that Michael and I shared. He was happy we finally got to eat some food. We never seem to eat when we're together."

"I still can’t believe you and Michael know each other."

"Isn’t it weird? That’s one of the reasons I came to see you. Michael and I were talking about the last time I was here. I came down on you pretty hard, Dad, and I wanted to apologize."

"Julianna, you have nothing to apologize for. You had every right to question me the way you did."

"I accused you of a lot of very bad things."

"And, unfortunately, many of them were true."

"I...I want you to know that when I told you that I love you and that I accept you as my father, I wasn’t putting on a show for your parents. I meant what I said."

"I never doubted it, sweetheart," he said, stroking her curly hair. "I’ve learned that you don’t say things unless you mean them and that you definitely mean what you say. You are sooo much like your mother, it scares me. But it gives me a lot of comfort, too."

Julianna laughed. "When Mama’s upset with me, she says I’m just like my father. That used to bother me, but now, if Mama should say that to me, I think it will make me happy."

A.J. laughed. "I think it will depend on why your mother is saying that. She knows my very bad traits, and I’m sure she’s hoping you haven’t inherited them."

"Have you noticed any of your characteristics, good or bad, in me?" Julianna asked, sincerely wanting to know.

"Well, there’s no mistaking your eyes."

"I know. People compliment me about my eyes. I used to hate it, but it’s something else I’m learning to appreciate."

"I’m happy to say I think you’ve inherited all of your mother’s wonderful traits. A little stubbornness, but between your mother and me, I think there was no way you could avoid that one."

"I know! When Mama accuses me of being stubborn, I tell her she’s stubborn, too, but she doesn’t listen to me. Mama blames that part of my nature on you."

A.J. smiled. "I’m not surprised. Your mother will always stand up for what she believes in. And if Keesha thinks I’m to blame, well, I’m afraid we can’t argue with her."

"Daddy," Julianna said, her voice breaking, "what are we going to do if Mama doesn’t get a new liver?"

A.J. saw his daughter’s eyes start to mist, and a second later, he was holding her in his arms. "I can’t stop thinking about it," she said, drawing strength from her father.

"I know, Julianna. I think about it all the time, too. We can’t give up hope, and we can’t let your mother see how worried we are."

"I try not to," Julianna said, "but sometimes it’s hard, especially when I know Mama isn’t feeling well."

"Is your mother not feeling well?" A.J. asked, alarmed.

"Mama said she needs to get more rest."

Julianna lifted her head and looked at her father.

"Mama wants to be with you more. Can you spend the day with us tomorrow?"

"Sure. I have one thing I need to do in the morning, but after that, I can come by. Would that work?"

"That would be nice," she said.

She wanted to smile but instead she yawned.

"C’mon, sweetheart. I’m taking you home."

*~*

When they arrived at Dara and Justus’ house, Julianna noticed her mother’s light was still on.

"Mama must be waiting up for me."

"I’d like to go inside with you. To make sure everything is all right."

Julianna nodded.

They entered the house and walked down the hallway towards the guest room Keesha was using. Julianna peeked in and saw that her mother was awake.

"Hi."

"Hey. How was the movie? And how was your visit with your father?"

"Both were great. We saw your light on so Dad asked if he could come in. He’s here."

Julianna hid a smile as she noticed her mother sitting up straighter in the bed and quickly finger combing her hair.

"Tell him to get in here."

Julianna turned and smiled at her father. "You heard Mama. She wants to see you."

"And I better not keep her waiting, right?"

Julianna giggled. Keesha wanted to know what was so funny. Father and daughter shared a knowing look, and then A.J. said goodnight to her.

"I can't believe you two are keeping secrets from me," Keesha accused A.J.

But there was no malice in her tone.

"Julianna and I did a little note comparing tonight, that’s all."

Keesha eyed him skeptically but didn’t press. A.J. laughed.

"Keesha, I can tell you right now that I will never, ever get tired of hearing our daughter call me ‘Dad.' I don’t think there’s a more wonderful word in the dictionary."

"I’m so happy for you," Keesha said. "I really am. Sit down," she said, motioning to the chaise lounge near her bed. "You look beat."

"I am," he admitted, leaning back and stretching out his legs. "It’s been a long day. How come you’re still awake? I hope you weren’t worried about Julianna."

"No," Keesha said, pretending to straighten the bed covers, "I knew she was with you. She called and told me."

"And?" A.J. asked.

He sat up and stilled her hands by covering them with his own.

"And what?" she asked, not looking at him.

"And why was your light still on, Ms. Ward?" he teased.

She gave him a sheepish look. "I did that on purpose," she admitted. "I was hoping it would get you inside so I could see you."

"Keesha Ward, you did not have to resort to such underhanded tactics."

He laughed when she looked properly chastised.

"You could’ve told our daughter you wanted to see me."

Keesha’s brow furrowed. "Julianna’s already giving me strange looks. I didn’t want to add fuel to the fire."

"She knows anyway. I’m here, aren’t I?"

Keesha gazed at him with adoring eyes. "Yes, you are here, A.J. And I have a big favor to ask you."

"Ask me anything," he said, leaning in closer while continuing to hold her hands.

"If you wouldn’t mind sleeping on that chaise lounge, could you stay with me tonight? Please?"

A.J. tenderly stroked Keesha’s satiny cheek with the pad of his thumb.

"I’d be happy to stay with you, sweetheart. There’s no other place I’d rather be."

As a comfortable silence filled the room, they found themselves inching closer to each other until their mouths finally came together for a kiss that spoke loudly and fervently of their awakened and renewed intensity for each other. A.J. held Keesha close as she arched forward to taste more of him when he began to probe her mouth with his tongue. He continued to savor the feel of being able to touch her, to caress her, to make her moan with pleasure as they both satisfied a need that was growing deeper.

When they finally broke apart, Keesha kept her arms draped around A.J.'s shoulders. She couldn't stop smiling. He made her happy. Very happy. He returned her smile and then cupped her chin with the palm of his hand while kissing her once more with an urgency he knew they both felt and could not and did not want to restrain.

"I could so easily get used to this," Keesha told him, her voice soft against his ear in the quiet of the night.

"I have news for you, Keesha," he whispered against her neck. "I already *am* used to this."

"I think I am, too," she said and grinned.

She reached for his hand and held it in her own as she laid her head back on her pillows and sighed contentedly after A.J. had delighted her with one more kiss and then assured her he would be there when she woke up in the morning.

She hadn't heard such comforting words in a very long time.