Chapter 51

"Whoa, Julianna," A.J. said the next morning as they ate breakfast in his hotel room, "I know you like maple syrup, but please, save some for me."

"What?" she asked, looking and sounding distracted.

A.J. pointed to her plate.

"Oh no!" she cried, seeing the sticky liquid all over, not only on her pancakes, but also on her scrambled eggs and fresh fruit. "What a mess. I’m sorry."

"It’s okay. Here, take my plate."

"No, that’s all right. I’ll just eat my toast."

She pushed the unappetizing plate away from her and then began to nibble on a piece of dry wheat toast.

"Why so out of it this morning?" A.J. asked.

"I was thinking about Michael," she admitted.

"He had a rough day yesterday, didn’t he?"

"Daddy, he’s had a horrible life! But yeah," she continued in a softer tone, "yesterday was pretty bad."

"Did Tony come down hard on him?"

"His grandmother was there, too. They were upset with him for seeing Jason, but their concern was more about how it would affect him than the fact he saw Jason without telling them."

"They have every right to be concerned."

"His dad told him he was spending the night with him. They talked about him having nightmares and having to be monitored and possibly sedated. When Michael and I were alone, I asked him about the nightmares, but he wouldn’t tell me. Do you know, Daddy? Are they really bad?"

A.J. set down his fork and steepled his fingers together.

"Before I attempt to answer your question, I need to ask you one of my own."

"Okay."

"Just how serious are you and Michael?"

*~*

Tony sat at the kitchen table, drinking his coffee, when Michael entered, looking haggard.

"Rough night," Tony said.

It was a statement, not a question.

Michael nodded and poured himself a glass of orange juice before taking a seat across from his father.

"I’m never going to know what ‘normal’ is, am I?"

"Of course you will, son. You were on that road. This is a setback. But it doesn’t mean it won’t ever happen."

"What if it’s too little, too late?"

"What do you mean?"

Michael sighed and slumped in his chair. "I’ve told Julianna a lot of stuff about my past. She asked me about the nightmares last night. I didn’t want to talk about them, so I brushed her off."

"I think that’s well within your rights."

"But don’t you see, Dad? The more things I don’t talk about, the more she thinks I have to hide, and the more frightened of me she’ll become. I’m already bummed that she’ll be leaving as soon as Keesha is able to travel. I wanted to at least maintain our friendship. But I have to be honest with her, too. She’s dealing with a freak, and so is anyone else who gets close to me!"

Michael jumped up from his chair, almost knocking it over, and headed for his room, but Tony got to him before he could slam the door and sat him down on his bed.

"You are *not* a freak, and I will not have you calling yourself one, do you hear me?"

"Then what am I, Dad? You tell me because I’ve run out of adjectives."

"You are a strong young man who has suffered more than his share of grief, and you’re still coping with some devastating losses. That does not make you a freak."

Michael’s voice broke. "How is it that I don’t even have a memory of my mother ever holding me? Ever playing with me? Ever reading to me or singing me to sleep?"

"Michael," Tony said, placing an arm around his son and drawing him nearer, "I’m sure your mother did all of those things. It’s just that you didn’t have that kind of a lifestyle, so other memories are more vivid for you. That’s all."

But Michael was shaking his head. "My mother didn’t have time for me. She didn’t care about me. That’s why I had Leticia. I loved Leticia, and some times, I wished she were my mother! Or at least that she would take me away from that insane asylum called Penthouse 4 so we could live someplace where it was safe! Really safe!"

"I understand that, Michael. I do. And that’s what you have now. That kind of a life is what your grandmother and I want for you, more than anything."

Michael shrugged out of his father’s hold and rose from the bed.

"What if it’s too late?" he asked, his voice low.

Tony stood up and crossed to stand behind his son.

"What do you mean?"

With tears in his eyes, Michael turned to face his father.

"What if I’m never able to have a normal life? Dad, you should have seen Julianna with those children who lost their mother and are in the hospital. She was so natural with them, so giving. Veronica took right to her and even let Julianna hold her. She knew what to do because her mother had shown her. What do I have to offer? I know how to break glassware and throw temper tantrums with the best of them? Oh, I know. I can give lessons on how to punch your fist through a wall when something doesn’t go your way and then blame everyone around you. What if I find out I don’t know how or can’t bring myself to love a woman the way she should be loved? Sometimes, I feel so empty inside it scares me more than anything I’ve witnessed in my life."

*~*

"Daddy, Michael and I are very good friends. You know that."

"Yes. And I don’t mean to embarrass you, but I also see how your face lights up when you’re around him or whenever you talk about him."

"Daddy!" Julianna said, lowering her head.

She couldn’t help but be embarrassed.

"It’s okay, sweetheart," he said, reaching for her hand. "Your mother and I have talked about this."

Julianna looked up. "You and Mama have talked about Michael and me. Why?"

"Because, as your parents, we’re concerned about your social life."

"Dad, I don’t have a social life."

"But you have your friendship with Michael. You two having been spending an inordinate amount of time together."

"But we’re not doing anything, except talking and having a good time."

For the most part, she added silently, fondly recalling the kisses they’d shared that time in the park.

"We believe that, we do. We’re just concerned that other feelings may be emerging as well. Feelings you may not even be aware of."

"Dad, please," Julianna begged. "I don’t want to be having this conversation with you."

"But you do want to know about Michael’s emotional state."

"Because I care about him. Because I hate what he’s been through."

"I understand that."

"I want to help him, if I can."

"I think that’s admirable, sweetheart, but Michael needs to continue with his professional help."

"He said he has a counseling session today."

"Good. I’m glad to hear that. Julianna, you know I think the world of Michael and would do anything for him."

She nodded.

"Then, knowing I feel that way about him, may I give you a piece of advice?"

"Yes," she said, making eye contact with her father.

"Be there for Michael, but don’t push him. If he wants to talk or wants to share an experience with you, let him. But if he wants or needs to be alone, let him be. Michael is still healing. Only he knows how he truly feels and what he can handle. I think it’s great you two want to spend so much time together and enjoy each other’s company, but you’re both very young. Too young to be dealing with issues that only a professional is truly capable of handling. Do you understand what I’m trying to say?"

Julianna nodded. "I need to stop pushing Michael and asking him questions that are none of my business."

"But it’s okay to be there for him."

"I understand. Thank you, Daddy. I’m sorry I put you on the spot by asking you to tell me about Michael’s nightmares."

"It’s okay, Julianna. I know you asked because you care, but sharing the details of those dreams is Michael’s call and no one else’s. I know you respect that, right?"

"Yes," she said earnestly, promising herself she would be there for Michael but not push him. "I do."

*~*

"I talked to our daughter this morning," A.J. said to Keesha, when he visited her that afternoon.

"About Michael?"

"Yes."

"So what is going on between the two of them?"

"She said they’re just very good friends, but she’s worried about him. She was asking me for information about his psyche. I told her it was great she was so concerned about him, but she needs to leave his mental and emotional health to the professionals."

"She cares way too much some times," Keesha acknowledged.

"And she’s too young to try to help Michael carry the burden of his earlier lifestyle."

"Do you still feel uneasy about the amount of time they’re spending together?"

"A little. I was relieved when Julianna said Michael had a counseling session today and that Tony is monitoring him. I don’t want to scare our daughter, Keesha, but Michael’s emotional stability has always concerned me."

"I know."

"I tried to tell Julianna not to push Michael. That if he says he wants to be alone or doesn’t want to talk about something, she needs to respect that."

"She understood what you were saying, right?"

"She did."

"As much as I like Michael," Keesha mused, "maybe it will be a good thing when Julianna and I are back in Philadelphia."

*~*

As they had agreed the previous night, Julianna was waiting for Michael when he finished his therapy session.

"Are you all right?" she asked as they took their time strolling through the park.

Michael told her he’d needed fresh air.

"Yeah, I’m okay," he said, his voice quiet. "But I’m back to seeing my therapist twice a week, at least for the next few weeks."

"It’s okay, Michael," she tried to assure him. "As long as he helps you. That’s the main thing, right?"

"I know. I just...I felt so good when he said I only had to see him once every two weeks. And now..."

"I’m sorry, Michael."

"I have only myself to blame," he said, kicking some sand as they walked through the playground. "I should’ve never visited Jason. I really thought I had my anger under control, but seeing him brought it all to the surface again."

"You’ll get it under control again," she tried to encourage him.

"Hopefully," he said. "Julianna, can we sit on this bench for a minute?"

"Sure."

As they sat together, Michael stared at Julianna’s lovely face as if he were trying to memorize every tiny detail of it.

"What’s wrong?" she asked, feeling uncomfortable under his intense scrutiny.

"I’m sorry," he said, averting his eyes. "I didn’t mean to stare."

"It’s okay," she said, reaching for his hand. "Just talk to me, Michael. Tell me what’s going on."

Then her father’s words came back to her.

"If you want to, that is," she quickly added. "If you’d rather just sit and not talk, that’s fine, too."

"I know you have questions about the scene at my father’s house last night. Julianna, I wish I could tell you that everything is fine, that I’m fine, that I’m as normal as the next guy. But the truth is, I’m not. And I don’t know if I’ll ever be normal, or at least society’s definition of the word ‘normal.’"

"I’m okay with who and what you are, Michael," Julianna said, willing him to believe that.

"You are so incredibly sweet," he said, knowing she was not going to make this easy for him. "But what if...what if I’m not okay with who I am?"

"You mean, right now? Because of seeing Jason?"

"No, just in general. What if I’ve realized I need a lot of work?"

"Michael, what are you trying to tell me?"

"I’m scared, Julianna," he said, trusting her enough to be able to confess one of his innermost fears. "There are times when I don’t feel like a whole person. I like you so much, but this latest incident has made me realize that I may never feel like I’ll be a productive human being. Every time I think I’m making great strides, something happens, and I’m back at square one."

"What if I don’t mind? What if I’m willing to take a chance on you?"

Michael brushed Julianna’s dark locks. "What if I hurt you in the process? Julianna, I’d never be able to forgive myself if I did something that messed you up. You are so beautiful and caring and kind."

"And you’re handsome and caring and kind."

"No," he said, shaking his head. "I’m not, Julianna. I’m confused and angry and capable of throwing things against the wall. That’s who I am."

"Michael, do you not want to hang out anymore? Is that what you’re trying to tell me?"

"It’s not what I want, Jule, but yeah," he admitted, his voice conveying his sadness and regret. "I think it would be for the best if we didn’t see or talk to each other anymore. I’m sorry, Julianna. I’m so sorry."

"I am, too," she said, trying to keep her tears in check, "but I guess this is what my father was trying to tell me this morning."

"What do you mean?"

"My father told me that you might need your space and that you might prefer to be alone. He told me not to push you. I just wanted to be there for you, Michael, because I like you so much, but if you want to be alone, I respect that."

"I hate this, Jule," he said, his resolve weakening when he saw her crestfallen face, "I hate that it’s come to this, but isn’t it better that we part as friends now, before I do something that will make you despise me forever?"

"I don’t know what that would be," Julianna said, wiping a tear from her eye. "I love being with you, Michael. You’re my best friend. You’ve never done anything to hurt me."

"And I want to keep it that way."

Julianna reached out to hug Michael. As he held her close, she let the tears flow freely.

"We were going to be separated anyway," he said, trying to ease the immense sadness he knew both of them felt. "When you go back to Philadelphia, you get to start a whole new phase of your life. You’re going to be so busy, you’ll forget all about me."

"No," she said, her voice defiant as she pulled away to look him in the eye, "I will never, ever forget you, Michael. I won’t. I can’t. I care about you too much."

"I’ll never forget you either, Jule. You’ll always be my best friend. But this is something I have to do."

"Michael, I won’t know what to do if I don’t have you to talk to, so you have to help me. You have to tell me how to get over losing you because I don’t know how to do this."