Chapter 58

When A.J. and Julianna entered Keesha's room, she sat on her bed, dressed in a forest green jogging outfit she had asked Bobbie to buy for her, waiting for the physical therapist to arrive.

"Look at you!" A.J. said. He gave her a conspiratorial wink. "Are you getting ready to flee this joint? I can help with your getaway. I know people who work here."

Keesha laughed. "Not quite. But I am going to visit another part of the hospital."

"Where are you going?" Julianna asked.

"To the gym."

It was her turn to wink at A.J.

"You remember the gym, right, A.J.?"

"Ah, yes, the GH gym. I have fond memories of it, actually."

He and Keesha exchanged knowing glances.

"Okay, you two," Julianna said. "I feel like you're talking in code or something. What's so great about the GH gym?"

Keesha smiled but shook her head. "Nothing we can share with you. Just know it holds a special place in your father's heart and mine."

"Oh it certainly does," A.J. confirmed.

Julianna rolled her eyes. "Whatever."

Her parents laughed.

"What's in your hand?" Keesha asked A.J.

"These?" A.J. said, shrugging. "I'm sorry they're not wrapped. I could tell your interest wasn't as piqued since they don't have pretty pink paper and a big bow on them."

"You are so bad," she chided. "I was excited about my own news. But I am interested in what you have there."

A.J. looked at his daughter. "What do you think? On a scale of one to ten, how interested does your mother seem?"

Julianna held up her hands and backed away. "You're not getting me into trouble. No way. I'm staying out of this one."

"A.J. Quartermaine," Keesha said, trying to sound stern, "what is in your hand?"

He laughed and fanned out the pamphlets for her to see. "I know our visit to Cape Cod is way in the future, but I thought you might like to see what's available. It's never too early to make plans, right?"

Keesha's eyes lit up. "That's a great idea. Okay, you're forgiven."

"Forgiven?" A.J. questioned and then laughed. "What do I need to be forgiven for? You're the one who couldn't care less about the pamphlets until a minute ago. Why am I the one who needs forgiveness?"

"Because you just do," Keesha said.

A.J. shook his head. "That's weak, Keesha. Especially for you."

He quickly stepped out of her path when she would have swatted his arm.

"The next time you really do need forgiveness," she warned, "it's not going to come so easily. Trust me."

He handed over the brochures and then kissed her. "But you still love me, right?"

She tried not to give in to his forlorn look, but it wasn't easy. She loved that they could tease each other. "I'm thinking about it."

He placed a hand over his heart. "You wound me, Keesha. You really do."

"Good. Somebody has to keep you in line."

Their banter was interrupted by the arrival of Jeff, an athletic-looking young man, who was the physical therapist. He parked the wheelchair next to her.

"Keesha Ward?"

"That's me."

"I'm here to take you to the gym so we can get you moving well enough to leave this place."

"That sounds good to me," she said.

"Is this your family?" he asked, his clear blue eyes looking from A.J. to Julianna.

"Yes. This is my daughter, Julianna, and this is her father, A.J."

"Nice to meet all of you," he said. "You're more than welcome to come with us. I'm going to show Keesha some exercises she can do anytime, and I'm going to get her leg and arm muscles strong again."

"Sure," Julianna said. "We'll go. Is that okay?"

"It's fine with me," Keesha said.

"Me, too," A.J. concurred.

Julianna and A.J. hung back to allow Jeff to assist Keesha into the wheelchair. She leaned in to whisper in her father's ear. "I can't wait to see this gym."

A.J. laughed. "Just remember it's where I used to work."

"If that's what you want to call it," she said, and then heat rushed to her cheeks when her father stared, open-mouthed, at her.

"I'm telling your mother what you said," he teased.

"You just don't want to be the only one in trouble," she retorted.

"This is true," he said and laughed. "This is very true. If I'm going to be on Keesha's list, someone has to be on there with me. Who better to be in trouble with than my own beautiful daughter? What do you say?"

Julianna laughed and shook her head. "I'll think about it," was all she would commit to.

*~*

Michael looked up from the magazine he had been reading when Lucas entered the room.

"Hey," Michael said, happy to see his brother.

"Hey, yourself," Lucas returned, pulling up a chair and straddling it.

"I'm glad you're here."

"I would've visited sooner, but Mom said you were having a rough time. She emphasized you needed your rest."

"The last couple of days have been pretty bad," Michael admitted, "but I think I finally pieced everything together. Why didn't you ever tell me the major part you played? If it hadn't been for you..."

Lucas waved him off. "Mom would've told you if I hadn't."

"But you were so good to me, Lucas. I remembered that. Thank you."

"It was a really rotten time. For all of us. Mom lost her daughter. I, more or less, lost a sister, but you, Michael, you lost your mother. That's rough at any age. Trust me, I know. And it's not just through death that we lose someone."

Michael nodded. "You're right. I'm sorry it took me so long to remember how well you treated me even before you knew I was your brother."

Lucas laughed. "We've always been related. One way or another."

The young man smiled. "I'm glad you're my brother."

Lucas grinned. "You're not so bad yourself."

"Thanks," he said and laughed.

"So," Lucas asked, resting his chin on the back of the chair, "has anyone asked you the $64,000 question?"

"What question?"

"Why did you just happen to choose this particular time to recall the details of that fateful night?"

*~*

"So this is the gym," Julianna said, looking around. "Did you work the whole place by yourself, Dad? It seems big."

"I was in charge of the workout equipment," he said, also looking around. "It doesn't seem to have changed much."

Jeff had taken Keesha to the exercise room. A.J. and Julianna waited in the main area.

"This is so great for Mama," she said. "She really seems to have her spark back."

"Yes, she does," A.J. agreed with a smile. "It's wonderful to see."

Julianna nodded and smiled. "You and Mama may get to take that trip sooner than either of you think."

A.J. looked thoughtful. "Maybe. But there's something I need to do before that happens."

"What?"

A.J. smiled at his daughter. "Can you keep a secret?"

"Sure."

"Soon, Julianna, very soon. I'm going to ask your mother to marry me."

*~*

"Why do you think there's something significant about the timing of my memory recall?"

"Don't you think there is?" Lucas countered.

Michael shrugged. "I haven't stopped to think about it."

"Maybe you should," Lucas hinted.

"I don't get it," he said, clearly confused. "If you know something, tell me."

"Are you sure you want to hear my theory?"

"Yes," Michael said, growing antsy. "What am I missing?"

"I could be totally off base, and if someone with more wisdom and knowledge says I'm out of line, I'll believe them. Otherwise, I don't think anybody can convince me this doesn't relate back to Julianna."

"Huh? Julianna? What does she have to do with this?"

"From where I'm sitting, everything. You told her you couldn't be around her, and then your memories come crashing down around you? I think you couldn't stand the thought of not being with her."

"So I made myself remember?"

"Yes. You were going along fine, Michael, and now, suddenly, the gaps just had to be filled in? I think you finally found someone who made it worth you going through that hell. Because you want to be with her, but you know you need to be emotionally and mentally stable."

Michael sat up in his bed, stunned by his brother's words. "I never thought about it like that."

"Like I said, maybe, just maybe, I'm way off base, but my instincts tell me I'm right. Take it for what it's worth. Especially since I'm not a psychologist."

"You've given me something to think about, that's for sure. I miss Julianna like crazy. I'll admit that. I swear, sometimes, I feel like she's here, and the last couple of mornings, I've woken up and found little treats on my table. If I believed in fairies..."

Lucas laughed. "It's probably Mom who's leaving them, even though she'll deny it."

"She has. So has Lesley Lu."

"Women. Don't you know they're not to be trusted," Lucas said, with mock contempt.

Michael laughed. "Serena better not ever hear you say that. Even in jest."

At the mention of his girlfriend’s name, Lucas smiled. "You’re right. So what do you do around here for fun?"

"Fun?" Michael said, clearly not amused. "What's that? I'm in the hospital, remember? Nothing fun is going on here. Believe me."

"I believe you. I talked to Dad, and guess what? He agreed to let you and me play some one-on-one basketball in the gym. What do you say?"

"I say that sounds good. But what about this?" Michael asked, holding up his right arm where the IV was attached.

"Mom said that was coming out today, according to Dr. Collins."

"Really? That must mean I'm not getting any more sleeping aids. That makes me very happy."

Lucas shrugged. "I don't know about that. I think Mom will be here soon. She'll tell you what's going on. Once the IV's been removed, change into this sweat suit, and let's go."

*~*

Still thinking about her father's announcement and how happy she was about it, Julianna did not see Michael and Lucas when they entered the gym a little while later, but A.J. did. He looked at his daughter; and when he realized she was staring off into space, he waved his hand in front of her face.

"What?" she asked, thinking he had spoken and she hadn't heard.

"Nothing. I didn't say anything. But I wanted you to be aware of something."

"Aware of what? Did Mama come out of the exercise room?"

"No. But Lucas and Michael are shooting hoops on the other side of the gym where the basket is."

Julianna looked over at the same time Lucas brought to Michael's attention that A.J. and Julianna were also in the gym. Their eyes met and held for just a moment before both looked away.

"Did you set this up?" Michael asked his brother, his tone accusatory.

"No way. How would I know where Julianna and A.J. spend their time?"

"Maybe Grandma knew, and she told you."

"Michael, stop with the conspiracy theories. This is purely an accident. I assure you."

He passed the ball for Michael to shoot.

"But now that you two have seen each other..."

Michael eyed the net and aimed the ball. "I'm not going to say anything. I can't. Not yet."

Lucas shrugged. "Whatever."

*~*

"Do you want to talk to him?" A.J. asked his daughter.

"I want to, but I have to respect his wishes. He saw me. If he wants to talk to me, he can."

A.J. placed his hand on Julianna's shoulder. "I understand. Would you mind if I talked to him? I'd like to find out how he's doing."

"Of course. I'm going to step outside. I need air."

"Okay. Meet back here."

"I will."

Julianna started to walk away and then stopped to look at her father. "Tell Michael, and Lucas, I said 'hi'."

A.J. smiled. "I will."

*~*

"Don't look now," Lucas said, "but A.J. is on his way over."

"With Julianna?"

"No. By himself."

Michael found himself breathing a sigh of relief.

"Is it that bad?" Lucas asked and then laughed.

"I just wasn't expecting to see her, that's all."

Lucas nodded. "Silly me."

He turned to greet A.J. as he approached them.

"Mr. Quartermaine. It's nice to see you again."

"Hi, Lucas. It's nice to see you, too. And please. Call me A.J."

"A.J., it is."

"Hi, A.J.," Michael said, holding the basketball against his chest. "How are you?"

"It's good to see you, Michael. I'm fine. How are you?"

"I'm doing okay."

"Good."

"If you two don't mind," Lucas said, after spotting Julianna standing outside the gym but looking at Michael through the window, "I'm going to get some water. Can I get either of you anything?"

A.J. and Michael shook their heads.

"I'll be back in a few."

Michael nodded. "Sure."

He let the basketball fall from his hands.

"You know what's been going on?" Michael asked.

"Some. But don't worry. It's not like everyone knows."

"I'm getting better," Michael said, needing to convince A.J. for reasons he couldn't fully explain.

A.J. smiled. "I'm sure you are."

"Before you leave the hospital today, could you...could you come to my room? There's something I need to talk to you about."

"Sure. Keesha is here for physical therapy. I'm sure she'll be tired once she gets back to her room. When she falls asleep, I'll come by."

"Thanks, A.J. I'd appreciate it."

"No problem. See you later."

*~*

"Julianna, how are you?" Lucas asked the young girl who had continued to stare at Michael through the window as he and her father spoke.

She thought he looked wonderful, even if he was dressed all in gray and his hair wasn't combed.

At the unexpected greeting, she jumped as though she'd been caught cheating on a test. She turned around and gave Lucas a wan smile.

"Hi, Lucas. I...I'm fine."

"It's okay with me if you want to look at Michael. I'm sure you're curious as to how he's doing."

"I am, although to be honest, I sort of know he's okay."

Lucas grinned. "Oh yeah? How is it you know about Michael's progress?"

Julianna hugged herself and turned away from Lucas' piercing gaze.

"Julianna," he said, forcing her to look at him. "Tell me. I'd like to know."

"I've never thought about what I've been doing in this context, but now that you've caught me looking at him, I feel somewhat like a stalker."

"Nah. You'd have to do a lot more than just look at him in a public place to be considered a stalker."

"How about visiting his room every night while he's sleeping, talking to him as if he were awake, and leaving treats on his table?"

Lucas laughed outright. "So you're the one! This is too funny. You have been driving Michael crazy, which I think is good. He needs to be kept guessing."

Julianna gave him a puzzled look. "He mentioned the treats?"

"Oh yeah. He can't figure out who's been leaving them for him, although to be fair, he said he thought you had been in his room, but then he dismissed it. So maybe he's not as sound asleep as you might think."

Julianna felt the heat rising to her cheeks. "I wait until visiting hours are almost over. Whenever I've checked in on him, he appears to be sleeping. I don't stay very long, but I just...I have to know he's all right."

Lucas smiled and patted her arm. "I think my brother is a very lucky guy. And," he added cryptically, "I think he may well be on his way to realizing that."

*~*

A very tired and sore Keesha returned to her room, grateful to climb into bed.

"Do you want us to leave so you can get some sleep?" A.J. asked.

"You don't have to leave, but don't be surprised if I nod off soon."

"If you have something you need to do, Dad, I can stay with Mama until she falls asleep."

"You wouldn't mind?"

"No."

"Thanks. I'll call you tonight, Keesha."

He kissed Keesha and Julianna good-bye and then headed for Michael's room.

*~*

"Hey, A.J.," Michael said, when he entered his room. "Thanks for agreeing to see me."

"Anytime, you know that. Did you and Lucas have fun shooting baskets?"

"Yeah. He always beat me, but that's okay. Sit down."

A.J. sat in a nearby chair and studied Michael's face.

"You look like you have something important to say."

"It's kinda serious," he admitted. "And kinda personal, so if you don't want to answer my question, I'll totally understand. Totally."

"Michael, you know you can ask me anything. What's on your mind?"

He cleared his throat and fiddled with his blankets while thinking how best to pose his question. A.J. smiled inwardly at the young man's nervous habits. Michael finally looked at A.J.

"How...how did you finally learn to forgive yourself for the accident that changed Jason's life? Or have you forgiven yourself?"

A.J. gave a small laugh. "Got an easier question I can answer?"

"It's okay, A.J.," Michael rushed to assure him. "You don't have to tell me. It's none of my business anyway."

"Michael, Michael, I'm going to answer your question because it's a very valid one."

Michael waited with keen interest to hear what the older man had to say.

"I'll answer the second question first. As hard as it is to believe sometimes, yes, I have forgiven myself for that accident. I had to. It was the only way I could've gone on with my life."

"But it took you a long time, right?"

"Yes. It took me many years. Many self-destructive and wasted years, unfortunately."

Michael nodded. "That's what I thought. I'm trying very hard to forgive myself for some very horrific thoughts I’ve had, but I'm not sure I can do it."

"Wanna talk about it?"

"In recalling the events of the night my mom and Sonny died, I remembered that I wished Sonny were dead. And then he died. I know, somewhere in my brain, my wishing did not make it so, but I cringe, A.J., when I think I could be the type of person who could wish someone dead. That's not who I want to be."

"I can understand that. Oh yes, I can."

"The problem, for me, is that I really didn't like Sonny. I did have hate for him. I don't like that trait in myself either, but it's true. I'm trying to work through all that, and come to terms with him, his role in my life, and his death."

"That's what I had to do with Jason. I went through every emotion you can imagine, and I was older than you. You are so wise and mature for your age. It's unbelievable to me when I think how reckless and self-absorbed I was when I was your age. Drinking alcohol meant nothing to me. I did it for sport. Now I admit I have no love for Sonny, but my guess is he would tell you that you wishing he were dead, in what was probably a moment or two of anger, was not what killed him. A lot of factors, of which I am sure you were not a part of, contributed to his ultimate demise."

"I get that. I do. But, A.J., you don't know how much we fought. I went against my mother, too, time and time again. It was getting real ugly, real fast."

"I remember you talking about that when you lived with me. You didn't go into a lot of detail, but I gathered things were pretty bad at home. I worried about that, Michael. For you. Because I remember what happened to me, and I kept thinking, if you don't stop the drugs now, you wouldn't have any hope."

"How did you hold on to your hope when no one was encouraging you?"

Michael sincerely wanted to know.

"It's that point when you come to the end of yourself. I'm sure I would've ended up in the gutter, literally, but something inside of me pushed me on. That voice told me to take one more step and another and another until, finally, I found help. And hope that I could put my life back together. That I could make a difference and that I wanted to make a difference. That I didn’t want to be remembered only as the Quartermaine screw-up, the one who ruined his brother’s life, the one who could never do anything right. Was it easy? No, it wasn't. It was damn hard. It still is. I had a lot of struggles along the way, and I still have them. But I also have my successes, and I know, just for today, I don't need a drink to get by. I have hope."

"Maybe that's what I need to do. Maybe I need to say, just for today, I won't be angry and I won't think hate-filled thoughts about Sonny or anyone."

"That sounds good to me, but remember, Michael. I'm not your therapist."

"No, A.J., you're a lot more than that. You're the man, my very good friend, and the one who helped me find myself when I didn't want to be found. I don't care how many times or how many ways you try to deny it or try to deflect the credit I give you onto other people, you were the one, A.J. The only one who told me the way it was, but also cared enough about me not to abandon me when you knew I had no way out. I'll never, ever forget what you did for me. I don't think I would've ever had the courage to let those memories surface if you hadn't helped me through my darkest time. You gave me that initial hope, A.J., and I know, somehow, someway, it's going to carry me through the rest of my life. One day at a time."

As A.J. looked at the handsome young man who appeared so much older than sixteen, almost seventeen, he couldn't help but wonder if the rest of Michael's life was destined to include his daughter.