Author's Chapter Notes:
Mal seeks out Inara for help.
graphic from a wallpaper by Shealyn88
Disclaimer: All publicly recognizable characters, settings, etc. are the property of their respective owners. The original characters and plot are the property of the author. The author is in no way associated with the owners, creators, or producers of any media franchise. No copyright infringement is intended.
2
Malcolm Reynolds stood in front of the door to Inara's shuttle. He hesitated, his confidence draining away. It had only been a few days since they were back flying and the atmosphere on Serenity was choked with grief and possibility. Inara had not decided yet whether to go back to her girls or stay with the ship. Still, he needed her help and perspective.
The shuttle door's whisper brought him back to reality.
"Mal!"
Inara Sera was startled by his presence and, because of everything unsaid between them for so long, Mal was embarrassed to be caught lurking there by her door. Her face was still unpainted. She hadn't dressed the companion since they had buried their people in the desert.
"I was, I ...Sorry Inara I don't mean t'bother." He turned crisply on his heal to escape.
"Mal, wait! I was just coming to find you...I, please come in and sit with me."
Mal stopped, but didn't turn to face her. "I need you, Inara." He didn't move. "I don't know what to do to help Zoe."
"Oh...." Inara was surprised and disappointed. So this wasn't about what hung between them. Still.... She saw the weight of grief and resolve on his shoulders. She stepped up behind him and impulsively wrapped her arms around his waist, causing Mal to tense. The hug was brief.
"Come into my shuttle."
He followed her into the shuttle and stood just inside the door. She had begun to transform the functional space back into something that spoke of her using some items she had left on ship. The shuttle looked like a mix of their worlds.
"I don't know, 'Nara. There's so much we haven't sussed out 'bout our own selves, -- I can't pull you into all this 'tween Zoe 'n me 'n Wash."
"Maybe helping Zoe is the best place for us to begin, Mal. We'd both do anything for her." Mal hadn't known that, it took him by surprise. Inara had been like a big sister to Kaylee, the ships intuitive mechanic, but had never seemed particularly bonded to his second.
She sat among a sparse nest of red and gold brocade cushions and gestured for him to join her. Mal sat next to her, his hands clasped loosely between his knees, head dropped, idly watching them.
Mal turned to look at Inara, who was studying him, her companion-skilled gaze unreadable.
"Have you heard the silent night, Inara? Earth-that-was? The earth's always singing. That's how I know who I am, that's how I go on. The silence out in the black, the dark of space. It's bigger than anything in here." Mal touched his chest above his heart. "It's what tells who we are."
He dropped his gaze and studied the fabric of the couch between his thighs.
Inara was struck by his words, something about the image of the silent dark and earth singing to us from so far away, so long dead. A poem rose in her mind. She tucked the thought away and waited.
"Help me, Inara. If I loose Zoe, I'll never be able to find you." He looked up at Inara and revealed a shining tear, marking a path toward his chin.
On impulse she reached up and touched his face, catching the tear on her fingertip. She brought it to her lips and kissed the wet spot. She turned the palm of the hand toward Mal and with her other hand, gestured toward the glistening fingertip.
"This is the truth of love, it makes us feel. The silence is your anchor, but you can't go on without love. Zoe? This is a path Zoe has to walk, but she doesn't need to walk it alone. You can help her because you love her."
"Yeah, well, love ain't somethin' I lend too much thought to."
"Well, it's time you did, Malcolm Reynolds. Love comes in many shapes and has nothing to do with giving someone a thrust. Zoe is beautiful and loyal to you to of a fault. You survived the war together, when neither of you thought you might, with your friendship intact. You brought her with you into the black to find a way to live in the world you lost, and she came willingly. I'm guessing part of why Zoe always calls you "sir" is to keep what little distance that lies between you solid." Inara paused, considering. "Oh, don't tell me. You've never been together, have you? Zoe told me you never wanted her to marry Wash. I always thought that was shipboard romance taboo. Might be there's something more...now Wash's gone are you mad at him for dying and making you face feelings you've hidden from all these years?" Despite her training and the reasonableness of her words, Inara was getting hot.
"Now hold on 'Nara." Mal started, but Inara was feeling some heat from the implications of her own questions. These were dangerous waters, despite her training, but she forged on.
"Or for leaving open a door you thought you would never have to consider opening. you and Zoe -- there must be so much between you you haven't acknowledged."
"Stop right there. I won't have you sully our friendship with whispers and ghosts of somethin' that ain't nothin'." Mal made to rise, but Inara placed a hand on his arm.
"Mal wait, this isn't about you and me, I've got no jealousy of Zoe, or...maybe I do but this isn't about that. It's about you recognizing and accepting how you feel about Zoe. You have to see how much she means to you and that something is scaring you. What are you afraid of, Mal?"
"'Sides your companiony wiles? What's your meaning, woman?"
"I'm sorry that came out stronger than I anticipated, Mal. Something about Zoe has got you spooked. What is it?"
Mal sat quietly gazing at the incense holder, matches and candles on the table in front of him. Inara gave him the space he needed. The silence stretched around them.
"I think she means to go to him, 'Nara." Then, more quietly, he added, "I ain't ready t' lose Zoe, too."
Inara thought of her own, deep fear of death and of how the Buddhist teachings that wove into the foundation of her training should have given her peace and resolve. Buddha taught that death was not an end, but there was no benefit to rushing things along.
"So you think Zoe will kill herself?"
"No. I think Zoe won't try to keep herself from gettin' killed. All this time it's been about keepin' alive to get to the next job. Wash let her dreams come up, dreams of havin' somethin' to hold. Little ones, all that. I don't think just survivin's enough for her now."
"And it's your duty to fulfill Zoe's dreams now that Wash is gone?"
"Yes. I mean, no...well, yeah...somethin' like." Mal thought of Nishka's torture and how he and Wash had finally been bonded with respect to Zoe. "I promised Wash after I got my ear sewed back to make sure Zoe had everything she ever wanted if anything happened to him." Mal laughed, "I've always ever wanted to make sure Zoe had everything she wanted -- exceptin' Wash for a time."
"Oh Mal, you don't have to take on the wife of your fallen <xiong di>**." Inara sighed inwardly with relief. It was just about honor.
Mal saw her relief and swallowed hard; here's where it gets tricky, Mal thought, "'Nara, you ain't all wrong. Zoe n' me...I never seen her as a woman until Wash came on crew. Oh yeah I mean I know she's a stunner and she'd had men 'fore that, sure. Same as me, but all that pretty much was 'fore the war got done. Since then we've had each other's back; what we lived through, what was done to us left little room for anyone else or each other. Wash came in and messed that around. Wash made me look at Zoe as a woman. I felt the fool, havin' looked past her all this time. And selfish, too. Coulda been somethin' there. So when they said they was gettin' married I...."
Mal just stared at Inara, face hard. Then he turned away. There wasn't anything more he need really say. "Then you came aboard."
Chapter End Notes:
<xiong di>** = brother