After slamming Tequila shots and beer on Wednesday night, Audre was virtually useless the bulk of Thursday. She put in a call to her secretary deciding to work from home.  However, the day was spent sprawled over the couch as she nursed her hangover while watching a marathon of America's Next Top Model. The indulgence would set her back for the rest of the week. 

After losing her entire Thursday, she spent all day and night Friday and half of Saturday buried under a mountain of work. The only thing keeping her somewhat sane was Jenelle with the friendly delivery of Starbucks, plus the random emails and personal messages from Christian. 

In truth, she couldn't just blame it on Wednesday night. Audre had been distracted for a while. Her heart wasn't in her work. She felt like she was discovering parts of herself that she had locked away a long time ago. An awakening.  A self-discovery she wasn't prepared to put back in the closet of self-doubt.  But she also had a mortgage, bills and a lifestyle to maintain so it was time to get her ass in gear and handle her business.  Still she couldn't help but wonder what it would be like to be truly doing something that she loved like Christian or even Jenelle- she had never known someone get that turned on by numbers. 

The sound of her phone buzzing brought her out of her thoughts.  She looked down and saw that she had set a reminder: Jenelle event tonight.  She slapped her forehead. Audre had completely forgotten that she was supposed to go to the 100 Black Men Gala with Jenelle.  Jenelle had reminded her several times during the week, there was really no excuse. Again if she was honest with herself she'd admit to her subconscious' feeble attempt to bury, evade, or discount the inevitable. 

She thought about calling Jenelle to cancel but she couldn't do it. Jenelle was always there for her through breakdowns and terrible art shows. Audre had made a promise to her, there was no way she would break it.  She sighed as she closed up her work and shut down her lap top preparing to get ready.  Normally she would've made an appointment to get her nails and feet done, probably her hair too in order to prepare for this sort of event, but she hadn't had time.  So instead after she took her shower, she spent almost and hour wrestling with her hair before pulling it back into a low bun at the nape of her neck then haphazardly freshened up the polish on her nails.

She looked in her closet and saw the cream colored dress she and Jenelle had picked out for her to wear tonight.  She wasn't in the mood.  Instead she reached for a black v strap jersey floor length gown she had worn to a work event a few months ago.  The tea bags she had put over her eyes had only minimally helped with that all-nighter puffiness under her eyes.  Still by the time she put on her makeup she had to admit she looked pretty good. 

The mirror doesn't lie. Physically she was perfect, yet somehow she still felt off balanced.  It was highly likely she was going to run into Greg or at least some of his friends and she wanted to ‘look eat your heart out gorgeous', she had only managed to rise to the level of see ‘I didn't totally fall apart after we broke up pretty'. 

Oh well, it was better than the burlap sack she had been wearing the last time she had seen him. This was a step up.  Besides she was with Christian now so why the hell was she worried about what her lame ass ex boyfriend thought about her? 

She didn't care was the right answer. 

And Audre kept telling herself that the entire drive up north to the Gala.

**

Audre nervously fixed her updo for the umpteenth time and straightened her dress nervously as she and Jenelle scanned the room.

"Stop fidgeting you look gorgeous."  Jenelle whispered, through her teeth.  Audre's hands dropped from her dress. 

She hated herself for getting all worked up about seeing her ex and his Amazon fiancée.  She tried to get into the spirit of things.  100 Black Men had gone all out for their annual Gala.  The large ballroom was set up like a casino with poker tables, craps, roulette and people there were dressed to the nines - all name brand of course. 

"Okay we're officially on Operation No Thug Love. What do you think, anyone with potential?"  Jenelle interrupted Audre's thoughts as she grabbed two glass of champagne off the tray of the waiter that walked by and handed one to Audre. 

"That guy over there is cute."  Audre said giving the eyeing a distinguished looking guy across the floor. She shifted gears into matchmaker mode.  Jenelle wrinkled up her nose.

"I don't like the way he walks."

"What's wrong with his walk, he has a powerful walk."

"He walks like he has a stick up his ass."

"He's still cute though."

"Nah I'll pass."

"Oh, what about that guy?"

"He has an S curl, so no."

"Maybe he just has wavy hair."

"Oh please, look at how juicy it is, he probably has to wear a shower cap at night.  Someone was a little TOO into Ginuwine back in the day if you know what I'm saying.  Pass."  Jenelle rolled her eyes as she took a sip of her drink.

"Hmmmm, check out black Clark Kent at 2 o'clock."  He was tall, well built; cute, neatly put together with eyeglasses even from across the room he projected a distinct air of confidence. 

"Too accountant-y."

"Look at his walk that is definitely a ball player's swagger.  No S-curl.  Nicely cut tux.  Ooh and he's been checking you out."

"He's still too accountant-y" 

"Do you think he's cute?"

"Well yeah, he's cute. . .in an accountant-y sort of way." 

Audre sighed, she grabbed Jenelle by the arm, dragging her across the floor, towards Clark Kent. 

"What are you doing?"  Jenelle hissed.

"Behave."  Audre whispered back, forcing her to come along.  They ran up against Clark Kent and stopped with lady-like smiles. "Hi, my name's Audre and you are?"  Audre asked the man smiling widely as she extended her hand. A little surprised at their abrupt arrival he returned the friendly smile.

"Maurice."  He responded taking her outstretched hand.

"Hi Maurice.  Are you an accountant?" 

"No."

"Are you here with a date?" 

"Stop."  Jenelle glared at Audre but she ignored her.

"No I'm not."  Maurice replied.

"Do you find my friend attractive?"  She said gesturing towards Jenelle.  Maurice's eyes moved over to Jenelle. A genuine smile spread across his face. He had pretty teeth and deep brown eyes. 

"Very."

"Great.  Maurice this is Jenelle.  Jenelle, meet Maurice."  The two shook hands slowly as they looked at each other. It was a job well done. Audre could feel that there was a spark of natural chemistry. 

"Maurice, could you keep her company, I have to make a quick phone call and I don't want her to get lonely while I'm gone.  Thanks."  Audre turned on her heel before Jenelle could stop her leaving the two laughing awkwardly.  She figured they'd bond over the discomfort of the situation.  She headed over to the bar and set up shop with her glass of champagne, seeing if her matchmaking efforts had worked. 

Within minutes Jenelle was in full flirt mode, leaning in, talking, laughing, and Maurice was eating it up with a spoon.  Mission Accomplished. Maybe this night won't be so terrible after all.

"Audre, Audre is that you?" 

She froze at the familiar deep voice behind her.  Every muscle in her tensed, she plastered on her "everything's fine really" smile and turned to face her treacherous ex.  Greg was standing there, looking way better than he had a right to. His tux was perfect, Armani, he never wore anything else.

"Hi Greg."  She said leaning in giving him a fake friendly hug.

"You look great Audre."  He said smiling.

"Thanks, so do you." 

Asshole.

"You here by yourself?" 

"Jenelle asked me to come, my boyfriend couldn't make it."

Ha, I've moved on so take that!

He nodded.  "I assume you're here with Cassandra?"  Audre continued.

"Yeah, she's at our table, I just came to get drinks."

"I'll let you get to that then."  Audre said, trying to exit the conversation.  She heard him quickly order a Courvoisier XO and a Pinot Noir.

"Wait."  He said, putting his hand on her arm. "How are you doing, what's been going on?"

"Same thing as always, work, life."  Audre said, trying to end the conversation as quick and painlessly as possible. " What about you?"  She added, not wanting to be too rude.

"I just got a promotion. I'm a Senior Investment Manager now."

"Good for you." 

"So you're dating someone now.  Anyone I would know?"  

Hell no.  

"Probably not, different social circle." 

"Maybe I know his family?"

"His family isn't from Chicago."

"What does he do?"

"He's in business." 

"Well I'm sure I probably know him then.  You know the brothers have to try to stick together it's a small world."

"How's the wedding planning going?"  Audre didn't want to get into the whole he's not exactly a brother conversation.  However as soon as the question left her mouth she instantly regretted it.  Lame transition and apparently I'm a glutton for punishment.

"It's going. . .it's fine, busy.  Did you see the pictures from Lisa and Wes' wedding?"   He said quickly changing the subject; she wondered if it was for her benefit or his own.

"Yeah they came out gorgeous.  Lisa looked beautiful."

"She did."  He said.  They stood in uncomfortable silence for a moment.  "Audre, before we started dating we were friends, I miss that, how you were always in my corner.  I hope we can be friends again." 

Mofo are you crazy?

"Of course."

"Honey, there you are I was looking all over for you."  Cassandra slinked over, all 8 feet of her, stuffed into a low-cut sexy white dress that made Audre feel like a nun.  "Audre, how lovely it is to see you again."  Cassandra said to her, her eyes giving her the once over. 

Lying bitch.

"Likewise." 

I'm such a lying bitch. 

"How are things over that law firm you're at what. . .was the name again?" 

Translation: your firm is so unimportant I can't even bother to remember to know the name of it.

"Billington, Cohen and Associates."

"Oh that's right, it's one of those small firms isn't it?" 

"Mid-sized."

"They must be working you hard over there." Audre heard the message loud and clear. Apparently the bags under her eyes didn't go unnoticed.  

"You must pretty tired too, with the way Goldman's stock has been plummeting."  

Take that heifer.

"We're managing alright, fortunately we made sure our interests were protected.  Cute dress by the way, so demure and simple, I thought about wearing something similar but when I tried this dress on Greg insisted that this was the one. I could barely manage to get him out of the house."  Cassandra said, taking a sip from her wine glass smiling like a cat.

Audre jerked forward. The sudden movement knocked the glass of red wine out of Cassandra's hand, splashing the ruby-red contents all over her beautiful white dress. A brutal dark burgundy stain was now front and center. Impossible to remove. She gave a smirk.  Cassandra gasped in horror, several others looked over. All eyes on the ruined designer rag.

"I can't believe you did that you bitch!"

"Oops sorry, it was an accident."  Audre said smiling then sauntered away leaving Cassandra frantically trying to get rid of her devilment.

"Cassandra I'm sure Audre doesn't want to hear about all that."  Greg said cutting through the playback of her revenge fantasy.  She looked over in disappointment seeing that Cassandra's dress was still intact. Any action at this point would prove to be childish.

"You're right I don't. Would you two excuse me please."  Audre stepped around them, looking for Jenelle. 

"Hey where did you wonder off to?"  Jenelle asked looking up as Audre came over.

"I ran into Greg and Cassandra." 

"What?  Ugh, I'm sorry if I had known I would've tracked you down."

"Its okay, it's fine actually.  Not nearly as bad as it could've been."

"Are you sure?"  Jenelle asked stepping away from Maurice and grabbing Audre's elbow.  "Do I need to fuck someone up?"

"No definitely not.  I'm good.  I promise."

"Okay well Maurice and I were on our way over to try our luck on the craps table."

"Oooh, you haven't ditched him yet, I see."

"Yeah, he's alright."  Jenelle said noncommittally, Audre could see through the bullshit but decided not to call her out about it.

"I've gotta run to the bathroom, I'll meet you over there."  Audre said. 

She went to the bathroom and washed up. She then started rummaging in her purse pulling out her red lipstick.  She heard the sound of a toilet flushing behind her and Cassandra came out of the stall.  She stood at sink right next to her, washing her hands.  Audre rolled her eyes trying to ignore the witch.

"Audre."  Cassandra said in greeting.  Audre's eyes met Cassandra's in the mirror.

"Cassandra."  She responded.  Cassandra began to apply her lipstick.

"I have to say that it's great we can be so adult about this.  I mean clearly, this won't be the last time we'll be running into each other and well, it's just nice that we can both be this mature." 

Audre put her lipstick back in her bag and turned to face Cassandra.

"Can I ask you a question?"  

Cassandra paused.

"I guess." 

Audre's back straightened, every nerve in her brain fired off the warning flash to avoid the question, but she went on.

"Did you start sleeping with Greg before or after he and I broke up?" 

Cassandra sighed and turned to look at her.

"What you have to understand Audre is that Greg and I had a connection long before he met you, we have a very. . .complicated history.  I had no idea when I came here that I would see him again or that those old feelings would still be there."

"See that's not what I asked you.  So let me ask it another way, did you and Greg fuck while we were living together?"

 Cassandra arched one eyebrow in challenge.

"Yes."  Audre gasped, caught off guard.  She knew she shouldn't have been.  But damn it she was.  "I'm sorry Audre but it is what it is.  Face it, Greg and I. . .we just fit together. " 

"What is that supposed to mean?"

"It means he's Morehouse and I'm Spelman, he's an Alpha and I'm an AKA, I'm a legacy member of LINKS do you get what I'm saying?"

"Not really."

"You're cute girl and I can tell you come from a family that's done quite well for themselves.  But it's not just about money, it's a different class level Audre.  Greg needs a woman who gets him on all levels.  Our partnership is equal.  I wouldn't expect you to understand that though."

Whoop that trick.  Whoop that trick.  The devil on her shoulder chanted. No Audre, you're better than that.  The angel on her other shoulder countered.

"You know, I've just stood here and wasted,"  Audre looked at her watch.  "Almost 5 minutes of my life listening to you drone on about who you are and your so called class level.  But the way I see it, ‘class' isn't the word that comes to mind when I think about the type of woman that would that would knowingly throw herself at a man that belongs to someone else.  And for the record, I am glad not to be a part of any organization that would have someone like you as a member."

"Well good for you because you aren't and you never will be.   And also for the record, if Greg really belonged to you, he wouldn't have been so easy to take."

Audre could feel the sting of tears welling in her eyes a mixture of sadness and anger over the ultimate betrayal soured her gut. Still, there was no way in hell she was going to give the bitch the satisfaction of breaking down in front of her, forcing her tears back where they came from, and steeling herself as much as possible. Instead of dignifying that with a response, she snapped her purse shut and turned on her heel, heading back into the Gala with her head held high. 

As she wandered through the Gala, she heard murmurs of people going on about their esteemed professions and accomplishments, their latest material acquisitions, their next summer vacation. The air of black bourgeois haughtiness was almost stifling.  This should've been Audre's element, normally she loved events like this and all it's accompanying pretentiousness but now it felt different.  Fake.  It felt fake.  Or maybe she felt fake.   Like she didn't belong, like she didn't want to belong.  Did I ever really want to be a part of this?  She looked around for Jenelle and finally heard her friend's voice through the crowd.

 "C'mon seven, mama needs a pair of metallic peep toe Christian Louboutin's" Jenelle rolled the dice at the craps table.

"SEVEN!"  The dealer called out.  The whole table erupted in cheers.  Jenelle had rolled six straight passes and the chips were piling up.  Despite her sour mood, Audre couldn't help but smile at her friend, the rational accountant, rolling passes like a born again hustler.  This was the same rational accountant that had once declared the Lottery to be a voluntary tax on the dreams of the poor and the delusional. 

 Jenelle was surrounded by a group of adoring men in tuxedos, their dates long forgotten and it wasn't hard to see why.  She had on a floor length gold dress with a deep v neck and spaghetti straps, her hair loose around her face.  But even in jeans and a tee shirt, Jenelle exuded this natural aura of power and confidence that Audre admired and envied especially at that moment.  She never had a desire to be a part of that superficial world and yet despite that or maybe because of it, she seemed to effortlessly blend in.

"Here blow on this honey."  Jenelle said flipping her hair over her shoulder and smiling seductively at Maurice, who eagerly obliged her request.  Though Jenelle had said that he wasn't her type, at the moment she didn't really seem to care.  She rolled the dice again and the crowed roared again as she made another pass.  "You must be my lucky charm."  She said winking at her Clark Kent. 

Audre decided she didn't want to intrude on her fun and turned towards the bar.  She saw Greg with Cassandra draped over him, grinning triumphantly like the cat that swallowed the canary.  It was just too much, Audre turned blindly towards the coat check and prepared to haul ass out of dodge.

"Audre!"  Audre turned at Jenelle's voice behind her.  "Girl you gotta come get a piece of this action, that craps table is hot look at all these chips I got. . .what the hell happened?"  Jenelle's merry tone instantly changed when she saw Audre's face.  Audre attempted with a smile to cover her pain.

"You know, I have this killer migraine, I think I'm just gonna call it a night."

"Migraine, is that migraine 6'4 with a leaky-eyed bag attached to his hip?"  Jenelle said glaring at Greg at Cassandra.

"No. . .a little. .. look, it's not them it's me."  Audre said with a sigh.  "I had a long week and I'm just not in the mood to fake-the-funk you know?"  Jenelle shrugged her shoulders.

"Okay well, let me just cash these chips in and let's blow this popsicle stand."

"No you stay, you're having fun.  We took separate cars anyways."

"No, I'm not leaving you, it's my fault we came in the first place.  I should quit while I'm ahead anyways."

"What about that guy?"  Audre asked, gesturing to Maurice who was standing at the bar, though he was talking to someone else, his eyes kept drifting over to Jenelle.  Jenelle turned to look back at him, they locked eyes and he smiled at her. 

"Girl, he is fine, and he's totally not your type so that's a good thing.  Plus I saw that little Vanna Black hair throw thing you just did, you're totally feeling him."

"Yeah okay I admit it, I'm feeling him."  Jenelle said, smiling in spite of herself.  "But chicks before dicks, I don't care if we took separate cars, we came together, we leave together."

"Jenelle, if I messed up any opportunity for you to go out with someone who doesn't look like a part of Lil Wayne's entourage I would never forgive myself."  Jenelle frowned.

"I'm not that bad am I?"

"Didn't your last date end with you running out of club where gun shots were fired?"

"What's your point?"

"It's your lucky night, so cash in.  I'm fine I just need get out of here but I'm not going to throw myself off a building."  Jenelle looked at her uncertainly; Audre could tell she didn't want to let her leave by herself.

"Well maybe we can do brunch tomorrow at my place, crepes and an Ab Fab marathon?"  Audre smiled.

"I'll bring the Cava for the white sangrias." 

"Ok."  Audre hugged Jenelle.

"I'll call you in the early afternoon."  Audre got her car and started driving, she turned on her radio and cranked the music up loud hoping Missy Elliot could put her in a better mood. 

It didn't.  

By the time she got home she was like canned heat, ready to explode.  She took off her dress, discarding it on the floor and scrubbed her face clean before settling into sweats.  She paced the floor for awhile, then dug into her freezer for Ben and Jerry's ice cream. The pacing didn't end. She practically burned a path into the floor eating ice-cream, musing over the night.  She couldn't really explain why it hurt to hear the admission from Cassandra. She should've been over it by now.  Hell she had long suspected it to be the case so why did it still bother her? 

Because she hadn't been enough.  She had done everything she could to be everything Greg could possibly want or need.  She had compromised herself, become some creepy Stepford wife in training and at the end of the day none of it had mattered.  But she wasn't mad at Greg.  Actually, fuck that, she was definitely mad at Greg. But more importantly she was mad at herself. 

Mad that she had been so weak, that she had been so stupid, that she had allowed herself to get lost for a man, for some superficial world, instead of staying true to the girl that she was.  She changed who she was for a man.  And as much as she hated to admit it Cassandra was right, she had done all this for a man that she never really had in the first place.

"Owwww fuck!"  Audre yelped when her foot slammed into something solid on the floor.  She stumbled over the box and stared at it in anger.  It was the box that Christian had left for her. 

She set down her ice cream and opened the box staring at its contents.  She pulled out the paints looking at the colors. Rising, she scooped up her keys and went to her storage room to collect her easel and floor cloth.  She came back upstairs and covered the floor before setting up the easel and canvas.  She stared at the blank canvas, wanting to push all the feelings she had inside of her out and onto the canvas.  She started mixing up her paints, getting everything ready.  She didn't think, she didn't analyze, she didn't stop she just painted. 

It was like breaking a seal and she couldn't stop.

For hours she submerged into the world of canvas and paints. She let go of the ball that had been wound tightly inside of her and rode the wave of inspiration that she felt. Once done she stepped back from the canvas surveying her creation. She laughed. A warm goodhearted laugh. It had all come back so naturally as though it had never left and it felt freeing. 

Audre dove back into the painting, swirls of patterns and dark colors, reds, blacks, shades of grays swirling together like a storm on canvas.

Free.  In that moment, Audre felt free.