9:23am “I love you Zhay.” He told her that he still loved her. She waited months to hear those words.  She wanted to say the words back to him, but she couldn’t. Not today. 

Just when she was finally ready to face the fact that she had lost him, today he calls and tells her he loves her. Zhay remembered calling him and leaving messages everyday for six weeks straight, but he never once called or came to visit her.  He still loves me she says in thought and her tears fall faster that she can wipe them away.

Not today, she tells herself. She was finally feeling strong enough, to see her patients and she could not risk having a breakdown today.

Adam, she needed to speak with him, he would talk her through the anxiety that she was now feeling. Dr. Adam Shaw was her best bud, they’d been friends for as long as she could remember. She knew that getting in contact with him right now was next to impossible; he was still in Haiti helping earthquake victims. She reached for her phone and dialed his number anyway, he didn’t answer so she left a voicemail.

“Adam I need you, please call me when you get this message. Love you.” She hung up and began the deep breathing exercises that usually calmed her fretfulness.  Not today.

When she woke up this morning, she had an uneasy feeling. She chalked it up to lack of sleep the night before and the conversation that she had with Seth Hanson, her attorney just before bed. He called to tell her that Dax was formally served with the divorce papers and that his team would be waiting to hear from his attorneys.

Seth was anticipating a very nasty public spectacle, because Dax was so high profile and wealthy, not to mention his behavior of late. His team had been briefed to expect a fight with Dax’s attorneys.  Zhay knew that Dax wouldn’t fight it. Why would he? Over the past few months, he gave her no indication that he was still interested in them. No, he would simply sign the papers and that would be the end of their life together. 

Zhay shocked Seth when she told him that she didn’t want anything; not the house, properties, cars, antiques, art, alimony, nothing. It meant nothing to her; the only thing of any real importance in her world was family. If she couldn’t have that with Dax, then all the other things were of little value to her.

She gave Seth a meager list of the asset that she wanted to retain and that was it.

To say that Seth was stunned was an understatement; but he knew he could not talk her out of her decision. She didn’t want Dax’s money she wanted his love, she wanted their life back.

She sat for a moment to calm her racing thoughts and better compose herself. She sipped from the water bottle that was on her desk, and replayed their conversation. He still loved her. 

Chloe, I need to talk to her. Zhay knew Chloe would have a wild and crazy tale to tell her about her adventures in Modelville, that would actually make her laugh and help to calm her. She started to dial Chloe’s number then put her phone down, remembering that her sister was meeting with the representatives for Be Seen cosmetics, it be their new It Girl.  

She sighed, life was funny, months ago, she couldn’t get Dax to return her calls, so she simply stopped calling. Now the day after she files for divorce he calls wanting to meet for dinner and talk.

Zhay teared up at all of the happy memories that flooded her thoughts, and flashed back to meeting him at Mason’s annual Memorial Day BBQ for the first time. Perceiving Dax to be a vain, boastful, spoiled, playboy, she quickly rebuffed all of his flirtations. She later discovered that she was completely wrong about him. Dax was everything that she could ever want in a man, intelligent, handsome, loyal, and loving. With a dash of arrogance and more confidence than the law should allow, he was her light; she missed him.

It hurt her more than she could express they way he transformed into an unfamiliar shell of his usual self, literally. He looked liked he had lost at least 30 pounds, when she saw him last.  It pained her more to know that she was the cause of his suffering. She missed her husband, but most of all she missed Dax, her friend. She dried fresh tears. Not today

In the first months after she’d left Cedar Grove, she told herself that she would be patient with Dax. He was so used to being in control, that for the first time in his life neither, his money, connections, nor influence could solve this problem. She vowed to give him the time and space that he needed, until he was ready to move forward with her.

Chloe coolly reminded her that it was one thing to be patient; it was another thing to be a masochist. Chloe argued that she gave Dax more than enough time to decide if he still wanted to remain married.  Besides that, he never attempted to repair their relationship. Reminding Zhay that Dax never called to find out how she was coping once he moved out of the house. In fact, he left the house one night and never came back.  Zhay remembered that night, she was literally on hands and knees pleading for forgiveness but he looked at her, through pained eyes and said that he couldn’t deal with her right now, grabbed his keys and left; sending Rosie and movers the next day to retrieve his clothes and some  of his home office contents. He essentially left Zhay on her own and shutting her out. After that, he only spoke to her when it was necessary. 

In a session with her therapist, Dr. Coles, asked Zhay if she was ready to move forward with her life without Dax. When she responded no, the doctor asked what was she holding on to, when Dax never once called, visited or bothered showing up to a joint or individual session. Dr. Coles reiterated what was the point of holding out for reconciliation when Dax was so adamant about pushing her away. She wanted Zhay to face the fact that she was holding on to false hope. It wasn’t good for her own healing. Dr. Coles feared that Dax’s animosity towards her would only continue to grow considering that he had yet to deal with his own feelings; and could possibly escalate into something physical. Zhay didn’t believe that Dax would become violent with her for one second. However, she had to acknowledge that he was extremely hostile when they did happen to see each other.

At that point in her therapy, Zhay was an emotional wreck; and it was becoming increasingly difficult for her to accept the harsh reality that she would have to possibly move forward with her life alone.  As the days turned into weeks and the weeks crept in months, she realized that maybe Dr. Coles was right, she was fighting for them, but Dax wasn’t even in the ring. She agonized over filing for a divorce, but after much soul searching, hours and hours of sessions, she took the advice of her therapist and decided that perhaps it was for the best that they separate.  She finally accepted that this was what Dax needed to heal, what they both needed to start living again. Though it pained her, she prepared herself to leave him, their love, and their memories right here in Atlanta.

Just then, Zhay’s phone rang, jolting her from her reflections; hoping that it was Adam she quickly reached for it.

“Dr. Daniels speaking.” She answered trying to hide her distress.

“Hi Sunny, I was out and about with my camera shooting randomly and the wind started whistling your name in my ear. I know, I just checked in on you a few days ago, but I needed to hear your voice. So I just dropped...……” Janis started to say when she heard sniffling on the other end of the line. “Baby what’s wrong, talk to me Zaire, what’s happened?” Janis questioned becoming increasing alarmed at the sound of Zhay’s sobbing.

“Mom, mom...” Zhay cried, no longer able to hold her tears.

Janis knew something was amiss, her girls rarely called her mom, opting instead to calling her Janis, or Gypsy.  Zhay & Chloe gave her the moniker Gypsy, due to her inability to say put for very long. Costa Rica one month, Malawi for two, the Canary Islands for a few weeks; where ever the wind blew that’s where she ended up. As a photojournalist, she enjoyed a very carefree lifestyle.

“Sunny, take a deep breath, breathe slowly and tell me what’s the matter?” Janis instructed, bracing herself for what ever it was that had Zhay upset; she just hoped that her daughter wasn’t headed back to that cold dark place.

Zhay took a deep breath and relayed her conversation with Dax. Janis listened to Zhay, let her cry, and reassured her as best as she could over the phone.

“Oh Sunny, you must be so confused” Janis cooed, she called both girls Sunny because they were her sunshine, the bright spots in her life. “Listen to me, Dax loves you. Any man who tracks down his girlfriend’s mother, on Safari in Botswana to ask for her hand in marriage is in it for the long haul. Go to dinner, and hear him out.”

“I am, I love him so much but I am so scared, what if he sees me tonight mom and realizes that he can’t…” Zhay tried to get out, but the words were lost to her sobbing.

“Stop that, stop that right now! Pull yourself together Dr. Zaire Hailee Daniels. You are made of stronger stuff. Everything that I’ve taught you may have been in absentia, but the rules still apply. You’ve work too hard on your recovery, to have a meltdown today. Where is my razor-sharp brainy smurf, who practically raised herself? Graduating from an accelerated high school when she was only 16 years old; no easy feat considering all the students there were th biggest bunch of nerds on the planet. My Zaire who obtained a Pre Med degree from one of the top colleges in the world-Harvard. My Sunny who had medical schools begging her to apply to their programs; but wanted to be near her dad so she went to Duke. Though I may add is one of the top medical schools in the country,  turning down some pretty good competition, Hopkins, Vandy, Stanford.  On top of that, working as a model to help pay for school; when it wasn’t even necessary. Not to mention acting as a mom to Chloe because I was never there; making sure that dad was comfortable in his last days, even though she was preparing for the inevitable. I point out all of these things because you my sweet, sweet Zaire are much stronger and smarter than you give yourself credit for, sweetheart. You won’t break or crumble if you have to let Dax go. It will hurt, yes, but you want what’s best for him right? If that’s what it takes, then you should take comfort in the fact that he isn’t hurting anymore.” Janis knew that Zhay was contemplating all that she had said because her crying stopped, “Tell you what, I was supposed to check in with my editor in London next month, why don’t I hop on the first thing smoking back to Atlanta and stop in London afterwards?”

“Mom, thank you. Thank you for talking me down. I feel much better and less anxious about dinner…I am so glad that you phoned. You don’t have to make a special trip here, just to hold my hand.” Zhay said, wiping away the last few tears. “By the way where are you, where did the wind send you this time?” Zhay teased.

“Funny, the wind blew me to Namibia; I’ve been here for a few weeks now. I know I don’t have to come to Atlanta to hold your hand; but I will, if that’s what you need Zaire.” Janis soothed, she could here some of the confidence returning to Zhay’s voice.

“I promise mom, if it comes to that, I will definitely track you down.” Zhay assured, feeling some of the tension leave her body. “I’ll let you get back to snapping your pictures, be safe and I’ll call you to let you know how dinner went.”

“Take care Sunny, I love you and I’ll see you in a few weeks.” Janis smiled, “Go fix that beautiful face of yours; dry those tears, and reapply your lipstick. Give my love to Chloe and tell her to please answer her damn phone when I call.”

Zhay laughed at her mom’s request, ever the photographer, she always told her girls, that a brave face always looks better with the right shade of lipstick. “I love you too mom and I will tell Chloe to call you.”

Zhay hung up the phone, and oddly enough after talking with her mother, she felt better. Janis had always been more of a friend to her and Chloe, than a mother; it wasn’t her style. The girls accepted that fact early on in the childhood and didn’t begrudge her, when she was flying off for months at a time, leaving them at home in the care of their father or nannies. In a way, Janis’ absence taught her daughters, how to be independent, quick thinking and courageous; but their compassionate, caring, and loving demeanor was a result of trekking around the globe with their father during his summers, helping others with Doctors Around the World. Today, Janis told Zhay to summon all of those wonderful traits to face whatever waited for her at dinner with Dax.

When she was younger, Zhay often wondered why her father, Dr. Austin Daniels never divorced Janis; instead he would welcome her back home each and every time as if it was the most natural thing in the world. Her father explained to her one day, that Janis was like a firefly.

“Sunny, mom is like a firefly. She’s always buzzing around mesmerizing you; tempting you to catch her, just so you can drink in the wondrous beauty of her light. But what happens when you capture the firefly and hold it too long?” Her father probed.

“Their light dies out.” Zhay quietly offered.

“That’s right, they loose their shine and allure. If mom stays put to long, her light will die out.” Austin kissed her cheek and assured, “Mom, will be back, she loves us too much to stay away.”

He was right, she always did comeback to them; she was there to morn the loss their father a few years ago, there when she got married, and later to spend months with Zhay as she recovered.

Zhay finally understood her parent’s relationship; her father loved her mother so much that he just had to let Janis, be.  She thought on that for a moment, and decided that if that was what she had to do for Dax, she would.

She then took her mother’s advice of making herself beautiful for her patients and went into her private restroom to check her face in the mirror.

“I must look like a wreck, no need to scare my patients, they’re usually scared when they come to so me anyway.” She joked, wiping away the last few traces of tears.

She looked in the mirror to really look at herself. She barely recognized the face that stared back. Gone was her natural glow from her smooth earthen toned face that so many envied; what remained was a dull ashen grey sheen. Her warm cognac eyes that once sparkled with life now looked wearied and murky. As for her hair, well she was just happy that it had not fall completely out; though much shorter than she could ever remember it being.  Her face was gaunt and a bit hollow. She promised herself to work on regaining the 20 pounds that she’d lost. She had regained some semblance of her appetite and was even back to her daily 5-mile run.

She laughed at that, all those summers that she spent as a product model, in order to pay for school, she couldn’t loose weight no matter what crazy diet she tried. Alas, no magazine or catwalk jobs for her; not that she was fat, but she just wasn’t model thin, like Chloe. Maybe she should call Diane, Chloe’s agent to see if she could get a catwalk gig now that she was so thin.

Suffering from depression was not only emotionally draining but physically taxing as well. Zhay experienced body aches and soreness and she often found herself fatigued and tired, even on days when she didn’t do anything strenuous. Sleep sometimes evaded her but other times it overwhelmed her. She was still taking it one day at a time, but was feeling like she now had control of her life and feeling stronger. She volunteered at a women’s shelter once a week; and for the past few weeks, she had returned to seeing patients on Tuesdays and Thursday mornings.  However, today, her self-confidence was slipping all due to Dax’s phone call. She couldn’t endure his rejection yet again. Not today. 

She started tearing up again, “Ethan, I still love you too but I can’t get my hopes up, only to have you crush them, because you can’t forgive and trust in our love again.” 

Zhay resolved that she would go to dinner with Dax, talk and listen to what he had to say; but she would leave her desires of reconciliation in the car.