A Moment of Clarity by Vita Consuelo
Summary:

 John and Evangeline Feelin' Love

Evangeline Williamson has decided she and John McBain can't go on the way they have been. One moment of recognizing exactly where they stand, forces her to lay her heart on the line and causes her to take a risk she knows could blow up in her face. But our girl is tough and Johnny Mac needs to know what's really worth fighting for is love.

 

I own nothing and no one but the story.


Categories: Daytime Television Characters: Evangeline Williamson
Classification: Cannon
Genre: Drama, Romance
Story Status: None
Pairings: Jovan (One Life to Live)
Warnings: Adult Situations, Sexual Content
Challenges: None
Series: None
Chapters: 10 Completed: No Word count: 47427 Read: 53741 Published: June 17 2011 Updated: May 26 2015
Story Notes:

So excited to be posting my first story on here. Yay!

I don't own these characters because if I did you best believe OLTL would not be cancelled and JoVan would have been endgame all the way. Can I get an amen on that?

The story IS mine and I have no problem with anyone printing it for their personal use or reposting it on other sites as long as you ask me first and give the credit where it's due. Ask and it shall be given to you! Unlike, the devil Frons over at ABCDummy who was asked many times to back JoVan and save OL and didn't give a fig. LOL.

 

1. Don't Wanna Try by Vita Consuelo

2. Frightened by Vita Consuelo

3. I Shall Believe Pt. 1 by Vita Consuelo

4. I Shall Believe Pt. 2 by Vita Consuelo

5. Feelin' Love by Vita Consuelo

6. I Love You (Interlude) by Vita Consuelo

7. Dancin' In The Moonlight (Or In The LPD) by Vita Consuelo

8. Interlude by Vita Consuelo

9. Fake Plastic Trees by Vita Consuelo

10. Chapter 10 by Vita Consuelo

Don't Wanna Try by Vita Consuelo
Author's Notes:

I posted this back in `06 on the John and Evangeline Archives site. I've tweaked it just a tad, but it is 99% the same.

The songs inspired in the first chapter is Frankie J's amazing Don't Wanna Try and an oldie but goodie I Don't Know How To Love Him by the incomprable Helen Reddy.

I have been a fanfic writer of different fandoms since this genre of writing started and that was when I was thriteen (almost fifteen years ago!) and it's how I open the creative juices to work on my own orginal fiction.

I've been a fan of the chamber for almost four years now and I love the stories that come one here. I'm excited to do my first posting! I was kind of intimidated after having lurked on these board for the past four years. So many great writers on here need to be published like Mamba, Omni, Token, etc. that it can really put you off your sqare. LOL. Hope you enjoy.

 

...How I wish things would have

Happened so differently

I tried to say this many times

But still you couldn't see

 

"I just don't want you to think that I can't handle this. This thing...this...us," the statuesque beauty stated matter-of-factly. Looking into the eyes of her lover and seeing the passion that lay right behind the icy blue orbs, was not going to deter her from the discussion this time. She had no question in her mind that he wanted her. But anyone could want. It was a rudimentary skill acquired during infancy and honed during playtime. She needed to know more.

The Irishman looked at the woman who stood before him. She was a mixture of intelligence, passion, and courage. Three things the detective always found intriguing in a woman. She was as much of a mystery to him as she claimed he was to for her. He wanted to know everything he could about her and yet there was still a part of him that seemed insistent on holding back. This was the part of him who could understand why she gave him the time of day. Why she stuck around when it was clear he could not stick. Why couldn't he do or say the things that the woman before him seemed to need? It was so simple and he was a simple guy who craved and believed in simplicity. Don't complicate uncomplicated things.

In his heart, he knew what he felt for the beauty was so much more than anything he'd ever felt before-even with Caitlin. One would have to be dead not to see what made her special and practically perfect. Perfect for him. It seemed, however, every time the words wanted to tumble blindly out of his mouth and from his heart, a force deep within his soul snatched them from his throat. Or maybe it wasn't really that deep. Maybe his mind was just ignoring what his soul already seemed to know. The point was that whatever he could or couldn't say, he had to know that she was always going to be there. Maybe it was selfish of him and maybe he was doing all the taking and none of the giving, but he didn't care.

"Listen," he started softly, "I'm not saying there isn't a chance for more. Every day spent with you is like a breath of fresh air. Yu make me feel things. Things I thought were long gone. It's just-"

There was a sharp slice of laughter that cut him off. He watched as she rolled her eyes and pushed a lock of glossy dark chocolate hair away from her flawless face to reveal a smooth and elegant neckline that begged to be devoured by a mouth. Not just any mouth. His mouth. He'd seen her do it hundreds of times since they became a couple; the little flicker of a hand spoke volumes about her confidence, experience, and intelligence. But the simple movement alone sent shivers down the detective's spine.

"Boy was my mother right," she laughed again, this time a tinge of bitterness skimming the edges.

The detective looked at her impatiently. Her only flaw was that she always thought she knew what he was thinking before he could say it. Fine. Most of the time she did know but she wasn't always right. He tilted his head slightly to the side as if to get a better understanding. "Wait. What...what?" He didn't know what she was about say, but he was sure he didn't like where it was headed if she brought her mother into the conversation. The woman never liked him from the moment she met him.

"She said:  Why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free?'"

At the last comment his eyebrows could have risen three feet so was the look of shock and annoyance on his face. "What the hell is that supposed to mean?" he asked, his voice rough with bubbling anger.

Maybe she had gone too far but she needed to see his response. She had to know if all it was was just this sexual force that kept them coming back to each other time and time again, or if it was more than that. "It...doesn't mean anything," she offered weakly.

She picked up her tailored gray Bill Blass jacket with the matching purse off the back of his desk chair and made a move towards the door. The detective, however, was not going to let it go that easily. His ivory pale hand reached for her slender honey dipped fingers. Every time he saw the contrast, it blew him away.

"No, you said it and I want to know exactly what you're implying here."

"Come on John. You've heard the expression before. It's just that I've made it so easy for you. When we're together, I just can't seem to control myself and I practically forget anything I was raised to believe. That maybe there's something more to just the physical aspect of a relationship and when you put that before the emotional connection, things don't really go as smoothly."

John McBain couldn't believe what he was hearing and from someone as forward thinking as Evangeline. "Don't tell me you're ashamed. This is a new millennium. It's not a crime for two consenting adults to be intimate with each other."

"Hmmm...you ever notice how the more notches ‘consenting adults' carve in their bed posts, the more they can't commit to a serious relationship? All I'm saying is that a new millennium doesn't equal no boundaries."

"Don't preach to me Evangeline," he warned. "I don't need to be saved."

She let go of his hand. The lawyer in her was well aware of her senses when he touched her in any way and understood that it was a case she could never win. She was sprung, but she would only ever admit that to herself. The key was to not let him see just how much she was. "I'm not trying to pull some self-righteous epiphany on you. I'm no angel or evangelical for that matter, despite my name. But maybe there is some truth to what the Good Book says."

"Evangeline," he said her name again. Was he not making himself clear? "I'm not taking you for granted. Me not being able to handle more right now has nothing to do with the fact that you're sleeping with me under these circumstances. We both agreed that for now that's what we both wanted and that we would add strings along the way whenever we decided to."

"Yes, detective, we did," she nodded stoically. They had agreed to taking things slow during a dinner that brought out a side of the closed off man of blue she had never seen before. Then, it sent waves of pleasure up her spine knowing that he was willing to take their relationship further. "But now I'm retracting my previous statements."

"Do you ever give the legalese a rest?" he challenged.

"Do you ever get rid of you Bruce Wayne complex?" she fired back.

The spit fire answer made him smile for a brief moment. "Touché. So what are you saying? You know? What is this all about?"

She closed her eyes and took a deep breath. It was almost as if she were willing herself to say the words she had been practicing all day. Just get in there, say it, and then leave, she thought. She opened her eyes once more and met the pair of cerulean eyes that were suddenly so masked beyond repair, the strength to say it was suddenly there. She knew what lay behind the mask; had seen it come briefly to the surface every now and then. It was why she, a woman of strength, had let things carry on the way they had. But she knew he was capable of more and she was tired of trying to help him come to that conclusion.

Evangeline nodded her head as more of a confirmation to herself and simply replied, "I want us to not be together anymore."

"What?" For a split second, it felt as if the world around him had shattered into a million shards of glass and he had been thrown carelessly on top of the wreckage. The blood through his veins turned to ice and his heart skipped a beat.

She saw the reaction and would have been satisfied with it if it didn't hurt so much. She wasn't the kind of person who capitalized on other people's pain and definitely not when she had to cause it. But the fact that he looked at least a little hurt did sooth her aching soul somewhat. As much as she knew John wouldn't get it, she knew what she had to accomplish today. It was a matter of her well-being, which for once, she was going to put first.

"It's the best thing to do. We both want different things right now and I'm not the kind of girl who sits by the phone and waits for some guy to call or be in control of my emotions. I mean, that's one thing I'm taking from the millennia past and present."

"I'm not trying to hurt you Evangeline."

"No, I know." And she did know that. "Not intentionally. But that's not what this is about. You say you need time but you don't have a problem with sleeping with me while you figure it all out. And I'm just thinking that maybe my heart and body is worth a little more than this."

"Hey, listen-" he started

 

"No," she held a finger to his lips; lips that she had spent many hours secretly obsessing about and tending to. She would miss those lips she thought. Instead of acting on her own mouth's desire, she shook her head and smiled. She wasn't going to cry. She'd rather die than cry in front of him over this. "I'm not blaming you. You didn't take anything I wasn't willing to give. It was a mistake to get involved. Well, at the least the way we did. Look, I should get moving."

"Don't go," the detective pleaded with a strained voice.

"I think I should. We can still talk." She shrugged as she backed up and went for a coy grin but she knew the hurt in her eyes were as obvious as the moon shimmering through John's window. "We can be friends maybe." The minute she heard the lie come out of her mouth, she knew that she was making the right decision. She was not a liar and she wasn't going to be a pathetic woman who lied to herself constantly to make herself feel better just to hold on to a man in any way she could for fear of being alone.

Evangeline turned towards the door to make her exit when John asked vehemently, "Can we?"

The question forced her to stop dead in her tracks. Her head whipped around to face him. Her silky hair followed. Her eyes met his in a questioning glare. He walked over to her. He needed to invade her space to make her see how much of a unit they had become. His hands outlined her collarbone, one of her many sweet spots that he discovered when they first became a couple.

"I normally don't do to friends what I've done with you. What I want to do to you every time you're in the room and I see that beautiful skin of yours waiting to be touched." She knew he was going for her neck. The way his beard would tickle against it drove her crazy and she knew he knew that too. He kissed it softly at first then began to suckle gently. Yes, he was playing dirty and it wasn't fair.

As much as Evangeline wanted to give into the pleasures of her flesh, she knew nothing could be solved that way. Not anymore. She backed away and put her arm out to create some distance leaving a still passion-glazed John in confusion.

"So you make me feel desired and beautiful and sensual and those are great emotions. But do you want to have a relationship and a future of some sorts? Without being coerced or making me feel like I am pushing you to do something you aren't ready for?" He looked at her for a moment and the started to speak but Evangeline put up a hand. "I don't want you to answer that. I just want you to think about it and then understand why your hesitation is an answer enough for me. And why it is at all that I even have to ask you."

"You're a liar," John said softly.

"Excuse me?" Evangeline asked with chagrin.

"You preach to me all the time about expressing my feelings and being honest. But let's just get down to what's really bothering you. You're afraid."

Evangeline was stunned. It was an answer she didn't expect. And she wasn't going to let it slide. "Afraid? I-"

"You're afraid that I'm with you because I can't have Natalie because Cristian is back. That you're a fall back."

"Oh, you're way off base here." Evangeline claimed with an attitude that John had never seen before. And damn it if it didn't turn him on even more. He loved that about her. She would never just take what he said and run with it. She always challenged him no matter what.

"Oh, am I?"

"Yes, you are. Listen, I know you and Natalie shared something before what with losing people you both loved and all that and, of course, her sick way of enabling you to play the hero at any cost is much to be noticed. I'm not clueless-far from it-but Natalie has nothing to do with me. Quite frankly I find her to be an immature, selfish, brat faced infantile victim, who doesn't know her foot from her ass. But that's neither here nor there. You might have residual feelings for her and that's fine. Because when you're making love to me you scream out my name and not hers. So at least in that area, I feel that I'm pretty confident. Your heart, that's a different matter. But trust me John, I'm way over the point of thinking about whether you think of her while we watch a movie together or when you kiss me or call me. I don't do the jealous thing very well."

John was man enough to know when he stood corrected. "Okay fine," he acquiesced, "Then what's the problem? Why are you making this bigger than what it is?"

"You're a man John so maybe it's not for you to understand. But just know this: when all you can do is think about me-I mean being with me, needing me, but most importantly loving me-then maybe we can talk. I know you don't love Natalie, not the way she might love you, but this is beyond her. No, this is about you. You and your feelings and fears. Whatever they are, it's holding you back from all of the wonderful possibilities that lay before you. And that's sad John but...not sad enough for me to want to stick around and get my heart broken over it time and again. I see now that I can't help you. That whatever this is you've got to do it on your own. I've got to be woman enough to let you go to grow on your own time if that's what you need."

"So that's it. You're just going to walk out of here and not even try," he stated rather than asked.

She cocked her head to the side and folded her arms. Maybe if she looked that part of fierce she could actually channel the attitude into herself. "Detective, I'm doing something I've absolutely never done before. I'm making a decision for myself based on what's good for me. I'm not just leaving it to you to decide whether I deserve you as is. I am fair, however, so I'm also going to let you do what's good for you too. I'm putting the decision in your hands as well. What you do with that power is up to you, but I'm not waiting around and I'm not going to give my body or heart to you anymore while I wait. Let's just call it a spiritual awakening. See you around detective."

"Wait," he pleaded.

Evangeline stopped and turned around to face him once more. "No, John. That's all I seem to do. Why don't you do the waiting this time?"

"This isn't going to change anything for me Evangeline. I'm still going to want you and I'm still going to want to take things slow."

The lawyer laughed but her eyes, however, were full of disappointment. "Don't flatter yourself in thinking that I'm trying to bait you. Despite my behavior in your presence I have a little more dignity and respect for the both of us. I'm not a desperate whore."

John‘s eyes went dark again, his mouth thinning at her words. "Don't ever think that I think that about you."

"You just did. But here's the deal John. No matter what you decide, this woman is moving on with or without you. I'm not asking for marriage, hell, I don't even believe in it. But I want a commitment of some sort. And all the little strings you tie on our wrists and things you say to me, it doesn't always compute with the things you do."

There was a long silence there. As much as she needed to leave, Evangeline waited just to see if he would say what she wanted, no, needed to hear. Not that she would believe him at that point. Still, she wanted to see if he was even going to try to make an attempt. But the words never came. She shrugged outwardly and sighed inwardly.

Evangeline took a final second to compose herself then, with her back still turned to the only man she ever loved and a hand still on the door, said softly, "I don't want to try anymore John."

The door shut softly behind her, a little click snapping John back to reality. To him, it sounded like the soft click before a bomb explodes. He was left alone in the middle of his bedroom with nothing but his own thoughts.

Don't wanna try

Don't wanna try

‘Cause all we do is fight

And say the things

That hurt you bad

To where we both begin to cry...

**********

"Van! Hold on!"

Evangeline looked up to see her good friend Nora Hannan Gannon Buchanan Rappaport running up to her, her briefcase tucked firmly under her arm, cell phone in one hand, and coffee in the other. She smiled sincerely at the sight of friend who always seemed to be juggling everything but a beach ball. Thank the Lord she wasn't crying. She didn't feel like explaining how her life was going down the tubes at the moment and she definitely didn't want to explain tears.

"Hey Nora. I'm sorry I didn't hear you the first time."

"Or the fifth time for that matter," the red head said as she tried to catch her breath.

Evangeline put on a smile and shrugged. "I'm sorry," she apologized once more. "I was just a little..."

"Distracted?"

"Yeah, that would be it." Evangeline had learned in her two years of knowing Nora, there was nothing she could hide from her friend.

"Ah," Nora replied sympathetically. "Is this about a man who happens to be a police detective, tall, dark, gorgeous, and a little mysterious?" she asked with a grin that implied she knew everything that wasn't going on between the two love birds.

"Oh, you know me so well," Evangeline replied sullenly.

"Well, my friend that's what I'm here for. I was just in the neighborhood speaking to Rex Balsom about a case involving Ultraviolet. C'mon. Let's go get a bite to eat at Rodi's and talk about why men suck." Giving Evangeline a quick pat on the back, she ushered her towards her car.

"You too huh?" the young lawyer inquired with a raised brow as she slid in the seat beside Nora.

"Most definitely," the D.A. grimaced after she turned to her friend, put the key into the ignition and rode off.

**********

"So you really gave him an ultimatum? Just like that?" Nora asked right before she bit into her double deluxe cheeseburger. Her friend's forehead became wrinkled as she stirred the straw in her soda.

"Nora, I don't know what came over me. All I can tell you is that I was just so...frustrated," Evangeline sighed slightly annoyed at herself for being such a...well, for being such girl.

Nora laughed. "Men can do that to you."

"Tell me about it."

"What I want to know," Nora began, "is how this even came about?"

Evangeline recalled the moments before she entered John's apartment in her head and took a deep breath. "I was sitting in my office when John called me to remind me we were on for dinner and a movie tonight. The conversation was fine; there was nothing particularly wrong about it. I told him I would be there in a few minutes and he said okay. I hung up, got in the car, went to his place and just sat there for a moment parked. And I kept thinking to myself, why am I so upset? All day there was this foreboding presence, this nagging feeling that I had something on my chest and I needed to get it out. And I realized that these past few months I have become the kind of woman my mother and I would laugh about. The kind that takes whatever is given to her because she fears being alone or rejected. And that's just not me. And I hated feeling that way and John for making me feel that way. I hated myself even more for allowing it. So, I just got out the car and went up the stairs and knocked on the door and just told him everything I was feeling. And then there was this point where I backslid and I actually could hear myself say, ‘I don't want you to think that I can handle this thing...this us.' I was so disgusted with myself Nora because I was lying to myself and to him. I couldn't handle the way we were. It was driving me up the wall. So that's when I gave him the ultimatum."

Nora nodded with a smile. "I'm proud of you. You finally did what you had to do for yourself. That's a good thing even if it had to come from a bad situation."

"I guess so," was all Evangeline could muster. Now that she had done it she did feel better, but the rush and emotions behind it were starting to fade and the enormity of what she had done was starting to sink in. If she was honest she was missing him already.

Putting her burger down, Nora brought her chair closer to Evangeline for more privacy. In Llanview, whispering wasn't enough to keep people out of your business. "Okay, don't take this the wrong way-I'm a lawyer so devil's advocate is like second nature to me-but where is this coming from? What do you expect to get out of this?"

Evangeline shrugged and leaned in closer to her friend. "Look, I realize that I'm no Virgin Mary. I'm not Heidi Fleiss either. I can honestly count on less than one hand how many men I've been with. Obviously it's a little too late for all of that, but I need to know where he stands on us. And sex? Well, sex just complicates everything. It makes it easier for us to not talk about what the real issues are. Call it self-preservation or paranoia or whatever, but I don't want to feel like a tart anymore."

Nora gasped slightly, the shock on her face plain for all to see. She didn't think John McBain was the kind of man to go there. "I don't believe it. Did he say you were?"

"No! No." Evangeline exclaimed. "God no. He didn't say that at all. I don't think we'd be speaking of him in present tense if he had. I told him it was more of my fault than anything. And I wasn't lying when I said that. I am the one that had everything to give and I gave it all away for free knowing how he was the whole time. It's not like he lied to me about anything. So I really can't be mad at him for taking what I put out."

Nora's brow rose and she shook her head with disbelief. "Evangeline, you didn't do anything wrong. I mean I had no idea you were so..."

"Convicted? Religious? Evangeline offered. "John said pretty much the same thing. Believe me I'm not. I believe in God and the Bible and all that goes with it but that's not where this is coming from. Well, not wholly anyway which I'm sure disappoints my mother to no end, poor woman. But really it's about this feeling that I have. This feeling that he...this is crazy." Evangeline shook her head as if the simple motion would make the thoughts in her head disappear.

Nora smiled having the slightest suspicion she knew what Van wanted to say but wouldn't out loud. "Don't back down now. C'mon and say it."

She hesitated. It's not that she was afraid to tell Nora what she was thinking. She was afraid to tell anyone. Putting it out there in the open, in the air, was sort of finalizing it. It couldn't be taken back once it was said. It would be actualized and in reality. But, Evangeline supposed, if you couldn't be real with your best friend then who could you be real with? Evangeline gathered her courage, and went for it.

"I don't know. What if he's the one? What if he's the person I want to spend the rest of my life with? And if he is he'll never realize it if he thinks he can take me for granted or if he keeps holding on to this past of his that just brings him down. If I accept his behavior and enable him to treat me like I'm an outsider to his feelings, then my opportunity for a lifetime of happiness is gone. Whoosh. Right out the window. Because I wouldn't be happy in a one sided relationship. I'm not trying to play games; I'm just trying not to get hurt."

I don't know how to love him

What to do

How to move him

I've been changed

Yes, really changed

In these past few days

When I've seen myself

I seem like someone else

 

She waited for Nora to say something. Anything. It took a minute but the surprised look on her face had said it all. "I...I had no idea that you felt this way. You, the woman who speaks against the forevers and L words of romance."

Evangeline bit into a french-fry shaking her head as she chewed. "Isn't it crazy? It's just what if he is the person that could change my life? I have such strong feelings for him and I've never felt this way about anyone before. Period. Everything I thought about love and every time I thought I was wasn't truth. That was not what love was. For the first time, I feel like I want to love someone and that I can very easily."

"And you think by staying away from him you will make the relationship stronger?" Nora asked, not sarcastically but a little skeptical all the same. She wasn't sure that this was the best way to handle the situation but Evangeline was a smart girl and she knew John better than she. If there was anyone who could figure out anything it was the pretty lawyer sitting across from her. And given her track record she was no one to really be giving out advice.

"No, I think by cutting off the entity that brought us together it will give us both an opportunity to see if this thing we have is just basic chemistry or if it's something else. If we have something that stands aside from terrific sex. I'm simply taking out a major element in our relationship and seeing where the cookie crumbles. If I fall in love with him, I don't want to be the only one doing the loving, the giving, and the talking. If it's not love for him then I still have the opportunity to get out now. Sure, I'll be a little worse for wear but it won't be as bad as me keeping up this farcical pursuit of a non-existent thing."

Nora really sympathized with her friend. She understood where she was coming from, she really did. It reminded her of all the times she had kissed all of those frogs thinking she had found her prince. But deep down, she had chosen those frogs subconsciously because she didn't want to fall in love. She wanted to be independent and unruffled by any man.

I don't know how to take this

I don't see why he moves me

He's a man

Just a man

And I've had so many

Men before

In many ways

He's just one more

 

She squeezed Evangeline's hand to show her support. "It was bound to happen. You couldn't avoid love forever."

Vangie put her hand up in consternation. "Don't say it. I don't know if I'm ready to hear it yet." She paused giving Nora a once over. A light bulb went off in her head. "Let me ask you something."

"Ask away. That's what I'm here for," Nora replied leaning back in her chair.

"Is it wrong for me to feel this way? About John?"

Nora raised a brow, clearly confused. "Why?"

"Because it's just different. We're different."

Should I bring him down?

Should I scream and shout?

Should I speak of love

Let my feelings out

I never thought I'd come to this

What's it all about?

 

Nora thought she understood where Evangeline was going with this. "Oh, you mean because he's white? I can tell you what it was like for me to be in an interracial relationship, but every couple is different. I guess the most general advice I can give you is if you ignore the few outsiders who are ignorant then it's no different from any kind of male-female relationship."

"No, not that," Evangeline admitted, "Well, that is a thing. I will admit to never having been involved before with a man who wasn't of color but that's not the issue."

"Oh, you mean because he's a copper and you're a lawyer?" Nora asked.

Evangeline sighed for what seemed like the millionth time since starting a relationship with McBain. "That would be the one. We've already had some problems because of him being with LPD and me being a defense attorney."

Nora shook her head in disagreement. "Number one, that's because the biggest factor in the situation was the only other redhead-which is not real by the way-in town whose name begins with the letter N, as in Nutcase. Number two, it's only a problem if you make it a problem. And there are great examples of people on opposite sides of the spectrum that made it work."

"Anyone I know?" Evangeline asked skeptically. She was sure there wasn't.

Nora smiled smugly. Her friend thought she came unprepared. Little did she know. "Well, yes actually. You're looking at her."

Evangeline held her french-fry filled hand midair in confusion. "You and Bo? But you're not together anymore."

"Thanks for pointing out the obvious," Nora replied facetiously. "I know, but Bo was LPD and I was a defense attorney and we made it work. Believe me, the reason we aren't together has nothing to do with him being a cop and me being a lawyer."

Evangeline saw this as the perfect time to take the focus off of her. "So what's stopping you from getting back together now?" she asked innocently as she wiped her hands on a napkin.

Nora rolled her eyes at her friend's attempt to be sly. "What are you doing counselor? Changing the subject?"

"Obviously not very well," laughed Evangeline. "But don't be evasive. Answer the question."

This time, it was Nora's turn to sigh. "What's to tell? Bo and I are having a clashing of the heads right now. He's just being pig headed about everything these days."

"Would it have anything to do with you and a Mr. DA Daniel Colson?" asked Evangeline.

Nora flashed blinking hands to indicate her hitting the target. "The one and only. I just don't know why he's so upset. He's with Paige and I'm with Daniel. We're both in really good places right now. I don't know what his problem is."

Evangeline couldn't control the sudden laughter that was bursting to escape her mouth. She doubled over in giggles managing to eke out an, "Are you serious?"

"What? Why-why are you laughing?" Nora asked in a rather annoyed tone. It was one thing to be the enlightener but quite another to be on the receiving end of enlightenment.

"No it's-"

"Is something funny?" Nora asked cutting her friend off, her foot tapping impatiently.

Evangeline finally controlled her giggles and gave Nora a pat on the shoulder. "Oh please. Nora, I know that you can't be that blind."

"Apparently so," Nora replied sucking her teeth.

"I'm not trying to be offensive but open your eyes! It's right in front of you. Bo is jealous of you and Daniel and-"

"That's ludicrous!" Nora exclaimed with an undignified shriek.

"And you're jealous of Bo and Paige," Evangeline continued with a shrug..

Nora shook her head emphatically and threw her balled up napkin on the table. "Now you've definitely have gone off the rocker. I think your new found position in romance has caused you to have a temporary occipital meltdown."

"I'm just calling it like I see it. Every time you see Paige and Bo together you look like you want to...well, hurl for lack of a better word."

"Hurl? What is this, fifth grade? Look, I am not jealous of Bo and Paige," Nora said banging her hand on the table a little too hard to convince Evangeline's mind. In fact, Nora sounded so sure of herself that Evangeline knew her friend was anything but.

"Okay. Whatever you say," was all she said still smiling and looking highly skeptical. Too skeptical for Nora's liking.

"No I'm serious Van. Whatever feelings that Bo and I have had for each other have come and gone. We'll always have a connection. We have Matthew together and that was the best thing to come out of our tragic relationship but, other than that, there is nothing there."

Evangeline knew better than to press the matter. Nora's face was starting to match her cropped do and that was never a good thing. Evangeline placed her white napkin in the middle of the table to signify a truce. "You're right. I was wrong. Faulty observation."

"Faulty observation indeed. Besides, I have Daniel now and he makes me extremely happy." Nora said it as if she was trying to, once again, reassure herself of her own words.

"I don't doubt that he does," was all Evangeline dared to offer at this point. She knew how far to push Nora and she would say she pushed enough.

"Right. I'm happy for Bo. And the whole idea of me and him it's just so ridiculous."

"I believe that you've said that already."

"I'm just reiterating. Smart aleck." Nora said with a frown.

Evangeline was going to drop the subject until she saw that fate indeed had a very good sense of humor. And excellent hearing. Evangeline smiled her trademark half-grin in the direction of Rodi's entrance then leaned into Nora. "Hmmm. Well, then you'll be glad to know that Paige and Bo are coming our way. I think to say hi."

"Oh," was all a less than thrilled Nora could muster.

"Smile, Nora. You wouldn't want to give them the wrong impression. After all, you just absolutely love the idea of Bo and Paige honeymooning in the Bahamas," Evangeline said slyly as she watched her friend watch the couple come toward them.

The redhead scowled at her friend. "I'm suddenly beginning to think that this friendship is not going to work."

Evangeline laughed, finally happy that she wasn't the only one having trouble sorting out her feelings in the romance department. "Oh, don't be that way. You know that I love you."

"Bo! Paige! What a pleasant surprise," Nora said as they approached the table.

"Nora, Evangeline. How are you tonight?" Bo smiled at his former wife and her friend.

The smile seemed genuine. As if it had gone to his eyes. Nora had to admit she hadn't really seen him smile like that in a long time.

"I'm doing well Commissioner. You're looking pretty spiffy tonight for Rodi's," said Evangeline trying to keep the mood light and quirky. Nora was her best friend after all and seeing her in distress-even for a moment-was not something Evangeline wanted. It was so rare to see Nora off her hinges for even a second that it always took her by surprise.

Nora was determined, however, not to let anything get the best of her. She smiled brightly at her ex-husband as he responded to Evangeline's question.

"We're just grabbing something to eat before we go on our date. Thought we'd settle down with some good ol' fashioned grub."

Paige laughed. "I know how much Bo appreciates a beer and a steak and so do I."

Evangeline and Nora glanced at each other and mentally rolled their eyes. Paige loved steak and beer as much as Dorian Lord loved Viki Davidson. Paige saw the quick glance the two women before her sent to one another and her smile froze.

"Well, I think the two of us should let you ladies carry on with your conversation. Bo and I have tickets to the theatre to see La Bohème," Paige said, her frozen smile still on her thin, baby pink lips.

Nora chuckled and gave Bo a sly grin. "Ahh. And I bet you can't wait to get there, huh Bo?"

Oh yes, Evangeline thought as she watched them share another inside joke, these two still have it for each other and they don't even see it.

Paige didn't catch Bo rolling his eyes as he was behind her but she had had enough. With one more polite-but frosty-goodbye, she grabbed Bo's hand and walked off.

Nora rolled her eyes and crossed her arms against her chest. "If that woman prefers steak and beer as opposed to caviar and wine, then my name is Pamela Anderson. I tell you, who does she think she's kidding? La Bohème," she repeated in an icy tone similar to Paige's. "Bo would rather shoot himself in the foot than go to an opera! He doesn't even like to go the movies most of the time. He'd rather stay in and watch them or a good football game."

Evangeline took a bite of her burger careful not to spill any on her DKNY suit. She watched as Nora attacked her mash potatoes with a passion. She looked her friend dead in the eye and said, with a straight face, "Gee, Nora. For someone who could care less about what Bo does and who he sees, you certainly seem to still have a pulse on his tastes."

Nora sniffed the air as if detecting an offensive odor, her face drawn tightly. "I'm not even going to dignify that with an answer."

Evangeline simply nodded, knowing what was coming.

"Except to say that Bo and I were married. You just don't forget about a person's characteristics, their likes, and dislikes just because you aren't together anymore." Nora argued.

Evangeline held up her bottle of Bud Light and simply replied, "Hmm."

Don't you think it's rather funny?

That I should be in this position

I'm the one who's always been

So calm so cool

No lover's swoon

Running every show

He scares me so...

 

End Notes:

Don't be afraid to review!

Frightened by Vita Consuelo
Author's Notes:

Second chapter is up for your pleasure. The song used in this is Frightened by Toby Lightman. One of the best songs ever made. I suggest everyone check it out on youtube. I made a JoVan video called Frigtened: A JoVan Story and I think I may upload it later. Enjoy.

 

Viewing nights under the surface
Knowing I found 
Can't run away from 
Can't make it undone
While reaching out for anything
Screaming without a sound
How did I find you 
How was I supposed to try?


John McBain stood in the center of his apartment for many minutes after his lover had left. He tried to move towards an enclosed place. A place where he wouldn't be so exposed, but his feet would not allow him to do it. More importantly, something else was tugging at his dress shirt so adamantly he could almost hear it. 

His heart. 

Years after the death of his first love he thought he could never again regain that sensation. The sinking feeling in the pit of a man's stomach when he knows he just let the best thing walk out of his life for good. He had given up on feelings of those kind years ago. And yet here he was in 2005 years after Caitlin's death and after catching her killer, running away from one potential relationship only to fall into a more complicated one. One that was unexpected but if he was going to be honest with himself at this moment, a necessary one. One that mattered. 

There, he said it. Evangeline in his life was vital to his happiness in ways that Natalie Vega nor Caitlin-God rest her soul-couldn't fulfill. He felt free when he was with her. Even when they were having one of their famous knock-down arguments about whatever his thoughts never strayed from how lovely she really was and how much joy she brought into his otherwise drab existence. 

He was the yin to her yang. She was the day to his night. It seemed as if they had almost nothing in common yet, there was so much they did share on many levels it scared him. They came from different walks of life, separate sides of the street, and different sides of the color spectrum but they both feared commitment, losing control, opening up...letting go. They were workaholics and often used their job as a way to hide behind their emotions. The fact they both chose a career that involved justice, spoke many volumes. And from the very beginning both of them had been on the same page physically and emotionally. Well, the latter used to be a common ground until Evangeline plunged in and took risks they both knew were too scary to speak aloud.

What was holding John McBain back?  He was frightened.

I'm frightened by the love 
That's in you
But it's alright
And I'm 
Frightened by the love
That's in me
But it's alright
It's alright


He was frightened of what completely loving Evangeline would mean to him because he had the feeling that she was the one. And if she was the one, that would be it for him. He would invest his whole life in protecting her, loving her, comforting her and then there would be no turning back. If Evangeline was the one, then she would be the final piece to the puzzle and John didn't know if he could handle that. He didn't understand completion anymore-only fragmented shards of his former self. He couldn't deny that she was the only one who had been able to skillfully put those pieces back together without him even noticing until the project had been almost finished. 

John moved towards his bed, stripping down to his boxers along the way. As he made the short trek from his living room to the bedroom, he noticed all of the improvements that she had made in his life without him notcing. Fresh flowers on his table, pictures of them on his nightstand (well, he'd actually put the pictures there but she had given him the frames), and some of her fancy lawyer suits tucked into his closet. 

John opened up the closet door and fingered one of her snazzy power jackets lying next to one of his dress pants. Funny how they usually wore the same colors unintentionally. He didn't know if it was coincidental, whether they just liked the same colors, or if it was some sort of subconscious telepathic connection. He cursed himself silently. When did he become a sentimental schmuck? When did he get to be the kind of guy that went sniffing around his girlfriend's clothes just to smell her scent and thinking about color coordination? 

He slammed the closet door disgusted. He had made of mess of things hadn't he? But that was no surprise. That was the one function that was like autopilot: ruining a good thing. She was right; he was keeping her at arm's length. The detective walked over to his fire place and ran a hand over his spotless mantelpiece and smiled as he remembered why it smelt like lemon Pledge. She had come over last weekend and dusted. 

"I figured since you're never aware of how thick the dust is in here and that I'm allergic, I'd dust for you instead of dropping subtle hints you'll never pick up." She had laughed uncontrollably as he tackled her to the sofa and began to tickle her in retaliation for her snide remarks. She looked so cute that day with her hair secured by a bandana and her comfy tank top and sweats combo which did nothing to hide her gorgeous body. 

She had even vacuumed, he thought with a sigh. His fridge and cabinets were stocked for the first time in years. The woman could cook-whether she liked to was a different story. And that was what made it so endearing. The fact that she'd rather not spend an hour in the kitchen when she could go out to eat but did it for him, said much for her character and what type of woman she was. She was selfless. Almost to a fault. John knew, however, Evangeline would never be a stay at home type. That was always something he just assumed would happen when he got married. Caitlin was going to follow in the tradition of the countless McBain women that had come before her. She had been content to focus on building their home fulltime once they started a family of their own. He wasn't ashamed to say he came from that world nor was his mother. Evangeline would never give up her career unless she wanted to and he was certain that she wouldn't. She was a product of the late seventies where women could do it all and then some. And as chauvinistic as John could be sometimes-he hated to admit it-in his thinking, he would actually be okay with that because he really believed that Evangeline could do anything and everything she set her mind too. She had a made career out of compartmentalizing her life. 

John sat down on his bed and ran his hands through his hair in frustration. "Dammit!" he said aloud to no one in particular. This woman was a drug. The good kind too. The kind that seeped through your veins in a matter of seconds releasing you from all hellish realities. The kind that took you so high you'd be too scared to come down because of the long way. She had him thinking about his future. Her future with him. Our future, he thought. But in his mind John was almost sure that's not what he could have. Futures were fairytales in his book; illusions that made you hope for the best only to turn into a nightmare before you could even blink. He could hardly get through the day without his life being in danger, how was he supposed to think about tomorrow and that of someone else?

Oh, he was frightened even if he never said it to anyone but himself. Evangeline could mean everything he told himself he couldn't have because of the job he had chosen and the skeletons and dirt that lay beneath his soul. And if he gave her his love he would be constantly worried about her safety. He would go crazy over whether a guy he bagged would seek revenge on him via his woman. It happened once before. It could happen again. And if she shined a light on all of the pain and hurt that had caused him to clam up at anything new, he was afraid she would run away too horrified by his past to stay with him. At the crux of his fears was that he would have her momentarily and then lose her forever. He would rather break her heart now so she could live without that fear. Hell, so he could live without that fear. He could love her from afar, worship her from a distance. John McBain was used to suppressing his emotions; even if it killed him slowly. She would get over him. He couldn't go through another Caitlin tragedy. 

Not again

But to let her go...it would be so painful and so exhausting. At the end of the day when he came home, he looked forward to her being there. Van would be there taking his mind off of the never ending battle he always faced at work. A battle she knew felt he was always losing. Sometimes, for the hard ones that he knew he would not close, he tell her about it even though he couldn't say much and she would tease him about his tight lipped nature. Van would cut through it all and just listen to what little he had to say. And she always gave him a different way to look at things. Lawyers and cops were practically sworn enemies. The cops would work diligently to get the bad guys and the lawyers would work just as diligently to get them back on the streets. Somehow, though, they worked through that even when they had been on opposite sides on the same case. It was hard, but it was worth it. 

Evangeline...she made him feel desired, scared, excited, alive, worthy. She made him need. 

The only one who understands
The only one who gave me
Something to belong to 
With nothing left to undo
With you everything is beautiful
And I'm not scared to be
Falling into unknown
With you I find the strength to carry on


John laid back on his pillow and sighed. Her voice kept resounding in his head. "And all the little strings you tie on our wrists and things you say to me, it doesn't always compute with the things you do...I don't want to try anymore."

As sleep claimed John the last thought he had was that she would never understand how much those words affected him. 
**********

John woke up startled. He was in an unfamiliar place. The sun was beating on his back like a laser on its target. He shook his head to get his bearings. Looking around, John suddenly realized he was indeed in just the opposite of unfamiliar. How he got there he didn't know but he was there. A place he never thought he would return to again but seemed to do so time after time. It seemed it was out of his control.

"Freedom Park," he said softly. It had almost been a home away from home for him when he was in D.C. with the FBI. He and...Caitlin. They would sit out there almost every afternoon in the spring and summer for lunch and people watch. Every day was a different scene near Pennsylvania Avenue. Tourists, agents, college students and senators having power lunches would come to the park to enjoy the fresh air and the beautiful sites it offered. The luscious green grass, the statues and the vendor where the best hot dogs in the city could be found, were only a few favorites on John's list in the park that was made to resemble the American flag. If he were a different kind of man he would have cried right there but he was not. 

Every time his unconscious state found itself in this place, he tried to be surprised. Like he didn't know what he was doing back in this spot where it all began and concluded horrifically. It certainly wouldn't have been the place he'd chosen if he were coming back to D.C. It had too many memories. But he always came back.

He lost his thoughts as he watched the hustle and bustle of the city go by in loud noises and gentle breezes. The park wasn't as crowded as usual but there were people there enjoying the beautiful afternoon. Dogs catching Frisbees, babies crawling on the blankets their parents had set out for them, people taking pictures. Just as he remembered.

"I never get tired of this place," a soft voice said breaking the silence. 

He knew who it was automatically. He could never forget that sweet voice. He heard it almost every night in his dreams. Nightmares, depending on how you looked at it. 

"I knew you would be here," he said smiling. "You're right on time." He turned in her direction and saw her sweet face, her green eyes as sparkling as the emerald ring on her finger glinting in the sunlight. She was wearing a cotton red sundress that had been her favorite piece of clothing since he could remember. She looked like an Angel.

The red-headed beauty only smiled in return and took a seat. "You know I could never miss this. This is our special time where no one can harm us."

His smile faded a little bit and he looked at the ground. "I know this isn't real."

"Do you want this to be real?" she asked serious this time around. 

"More than you can imagine."

"I have a pretty big imagination," she said with a grin.

John chuckled glad to be in the familiar. "I know. I remember our ‘Anywhere but Here' games."

She laughed, the echoes traveling towards the heavens. "I remember. I always had something new but you always said the same thing. Grand Canyon, rock climbing, with me."

"Well, I didn't need to imagine being with someone else when I had you. The beauty of nature and the beauty of woman side by side."

Caitlin laughed and patted his cheek. John immediately felt comfort. "You don't change at all do you?"

He shook his head as he watched the pigeons gather around a piece of bread that was thrown to them. "Not much. Call it one of my many idiosyncrasies. But you always accepted it."

"Yes I did," Caitlin replied watching the birds as well. She turned her gazed back to the man who had been her fiancé and soulmate. "Sometimes to a fault. But you know, John, change can be a good thing. It can be therapeutic."

John snorted. "Not really."

"Yes really. You don't even dream differently. It's always here. Always."


"But you said this was real."

Caitlin rubbed her arm the way she used to when she was at a loss for words. It was one of the things he found endearing. "Ah...very good. But you know what I mean. All of this is wonderful. It gives me a chance to stretch my legs when you bring me here which has not been often as of late."

John choose ignored the last remark and only replied, "I hear the ‘but' coming from a mile away."

"But," she started with a slight smile, "don't you think it's time to finally put this place to rest? We'll always have it and it will always be ours but it's not where we are anymore. It's not where we belong."

"I try to but...I can't," he admitted.  "Caitlin I...I can't forget you and what happened. What I let happen."

Caitlin crawled into the nook of his arm and closed her eyes. "This feels good." She paused for a moment to soak in his familiar scent of ivory soap and aftershave. "I'm not asking you to forget me. I hope you'll always have a little piece of your heart tucked away for me. But I don't live in your reality anymore."

Jon stroked her hair absentmindedly. "Yeah, and that's my fault. You should be here with the living, planning out your own future with children and carpools and your career if that's what you wanted.'

Caitlin turned out of his embrace to look him in the face. "John you didn't kill me. Haver did that. But you got him. You stopped him from harming anyone else."

"After more innocent people died at his hands," John countered.

"That's not your fault. You aren't God. You didn't know."  John turn his face from Caitlin, but her gentle hands moved them back to meet his guilty eyes. "Look, John, I'm at peace now. Where I'm at, it's so good and so beautiful. I always knew that believing in God was a big risk. It could've all turned out to be a lie but I did and when I was put to rest, I could understand everything. It was all so clear to me. I wasn't angry. I was happy."

"Happy?" he repeated skeptically. He didn't buy it. "To be away from your family and friends and your life?"

Caitlin sighed knowing that he would never understand it until it happened to him. "I miss my family terribly. You have no idea how much. But where I'm at is so peaceful. How could I regret being there? I only regret leaving you feeling a burden that is not yours to carry."

"But you were murdered because of me; because of something that had nothing to do with you."

"John, when it's your time it's your time. Haver got my body but he never had my soul. That belonged to something greater than he could ever imagine. I'm here aren't I? I'm with you, talking to you, and I'm not angry so why should you be?"

Gently taking her head into his hands he kissed her softly on the lips. "I loved you, you know. I did. I didn't always show it or say it, but I did." John needed her to believe that because he felt like it was all starting to slip away little by little. 

"I know. And I you. We had some great moments together. Our vacations in Atlantic City, "Caitlin smiled cheerfully at the memories.

"I remember those. Our cheesesteak eating contests." John laughed at the memory of tiny Caitlin swallowing half of the steak in one bite. "I always wondered how someone so little could pack all of that in and stay tiny."

"A good metabolism and a lot of extracurricular activities," Caitlin replied with a hint of blush at her cheeks.

"Just doing my job." John fingered the stitching of the blanket remembering how many times they had made love on it, planned futures on it. "You always knew me better than anyone else. I never had to put up a front with you. You just took me for who I was."

Caitlin nodded in agreement. "It wasn't always easy, but I could do it because I loved you. Love, it changes everything. The things you thought you could never handle become nothing more than simple tasks when you love someone. Minor footnotes in the end. For me, I always knew that I was safe with you. I knew you were always going to protect me to the best of your abilities."

"And look where that got you," John said bitterly. "Dead. I didn't live up to my promise. I let you down."

"No you didn't. On the contrary. John," she paused, as if she were gathering courage, "I think it's time for me to let you in on a little secret."

"Oh yeah, what's that?" he asked when he finally could look her in the eyes again. 

"There are things that are bigger than us. Some people call it fate, other's the master plan. Really it's all just your destiny. It's set in motion. And there are people who you interact with on the way to fulfill your destiny who are catalysts of some sort. They kind of get the ball rolling for the big events that happen in your life. You following me so far?"

"Yeah, I think so."

"Okay. Well, here's the thing: sometimes the people who you think are supposed to be in your life for the ride aren't really supposed to. And that's how it was for me and you."

"I think you've just lost me," he said.

"Simply put," she continued, "my destiny was never supposed to be with you. I was here to fulfill your destiny. To jump start your main event. See, while you were here to be the love of my life, to give me happiness, I was not here to be the love of yours."

"That's bull," John protested, "I was in love with you Caitlin and you know it."

She expected the reaction. It was how she felt in the beginning, when she didn‘t understand any of what was going on. "Listen, listen. Calm down. It's not something that sounds good, I know, but it is what it is. My job was to give you the tools to learn how to love and how to be a part of a whole-an entity that is both part of you and outside of yourself. I was the preparation, the appetizer if you will. I was never supposed to be the main course. I wasn't meant to go on John. It was never going to happen that way whether you were in the picture or it was someone else. There's a reason why Haver was the one that did it and not someone else. He led you to Llanview."

John rolled his eyes and snorted. "Oh, so God deemed you unimportant to go on and me important enough to stay. Is that supposed to be some sort of joke? This is me not laughing."

Caitlin rolled her eyes at his stubbornness. "Such the cynic you are. Evangeline is going to have it tough."

John became uncomfortable at the sound of Caitlin‘s voice saying Evangeline's name. He tried to focus on the trees rather than look her way. "I...I, uh, I didn't think you'd know about her. We...I, never talked about her."

"To spare my feelings I'm sure. But that's okay. When you first came here you and I would make love and it was like nothing ever changed, but then when she came into the picture, it just stopped. We just talked. You never did that before, not even with Natalie. When you guys were together for that brief period you could talk to me about her so I knew there was no threat there. I could hold on to you for a little longer. But Evangeline...I waited for you to say something about her. I didn't know if you didn't know that I already knew or what but you never did. That's when I knew this was serious. But she's beautiful and strong and kind and wonderful. I'm not jealous of her. I've been loved by you without all the drama you're caught up in now and that was great." She chuckled and added, "She's got a lot on her plate."

"Love? Who said anything about love?" asked John, still on the "love" comment Caitlin made.

"Even in your dreams you're stubborn aren't you? But you love her. You know you do. She's the one John. She's the love of your life."

"How do you know that? I don't even know. I don't even know if it's like that."

"Of course you do. Think about the master plan. Haver murders me, hides in Llanview. Not an inconsequential town, but one that you would never think about going to on your own. You follow the scent and it leads you from AC back to where you started and you have a connection between Walker Lawrence and Todd Manning who lives in Llanview as well. Todd Manning gets caught up in the Mitch Lawrence business as he takes the face of the brother of the man who, unbeknownst to him, has fathered at least one of his nieces. And as you settle into Llanview and the mystery of the Music Box Killer unfolds, you meet up with Natalie Vega who is married to Cristian who gets killed in the middle of all the mess, supposedly, and you feel guilty about having used Natalie to catch the killer. Now, her new husband of barely a minute is dead and you feel responsible. Suddenly it's like what happened to me all over again except this time the red head doesn't get her man, but she gets to live. You try at a go for it, but it doesn't work. In the mean time you get arrested for murdering Haver and who does Natalie call to defend you? Miss Evangeline Williamson, brilliant attorney- at-law."

"So let me get this straight," John started, "You're saying that your murder by Haver caused me to come Llanview where he was so I could meet up with Natalie who was destined to bring Evangeline into my life because we're soulmates? Okay. Are you getting good air up there because it sounds a little crazy and manipulative to me," John said still disgusted at what he was hearing. If this was all some big cosmic hoo-ha that was planned out, then he wanted to have a conversation with the person in charge of putting him and the people he cared about through so much pain. 

"Not manipulative," Caitlin answered back. "Just your fate my friend. I mean, it wasn't too long after that you and Evangeline hit if off was it not? Admit it, you were interested in her the moment she stepped into that cell maybe even attracted to her the first time you met her months before when she was working for Kevin Buchanan."

John looked horrified partly because it was true and the other part because Caitlin had tapped in on it. "I was being accused of murder! Who had the time to check anyone out?"

"Whatever the case, you both were interested. And even my sister played a part."

"Katherine," he said again with bitter resentment. "Another person I couldn't save."

"Oh, Katie was far gone before you got there John. She took my death quite hard. I knew it would be tough on her. We were the best of friends." She paused for a moment, willing her self to continue. She had no idea how hard this would be even after knowing what she had to do all this time. "Look, I loved my sister but she made some bad choices in the end and it didn't end too well for her. That wasn't your fault either. She was responsible for herself. But if she hadn't been murdered in Miss Williamson's office, then you and Evangeline would not have ended up working together to help her client's fiancée and you would have never had that night."

John took a moment to take it all in. It all seemed so surreal. So natural to be talking about Evangeline with Caitlin when it should have seemed strange. To be sitting here in their special place talking about another woman. Talking about the people who died as if they were just discussing the newest Denzel Washington movie. It somehow seemed so wrong, but what she said made sense in an Outer Limits sort of way. 

John could say nothing.

"Hey, I don't blame you for falling for her. She's quite a catch. Not your type and certainly not who I would have picked out for you at first glance but when I saw closer, I realized that she was just what you needed. Certainly has the patience to put up with you. Well, until recently. In any case, I knew that she was the right woman for you. And that's what you needed. Not some silly girl who didn't have the patience or the maturity to let things be the way they were supposed to be. You didn't need someone who needed your protection. That's what started all of this mess in the first place. You needed someone who could take care of herself to the point that when she did call on you, you could see how much she really loves you, trusts you. How much pride she's sacrificed to give her heart away to someone."

"It just feels weird talking to you about this," he said looking into her eyes for some sign of discomfort only to find nothing but...understanding, maybe?

Caitlin laughed. "Hey, with your penchant to get it on in public places, I don't see how simply talking about love with someone you loved can be weird at all."

John winced. "Ahh...tell me you don't see any of that."

Caitlin laughed again. "John, I'm a part of you. I see it all. Think of me as one of your protectors who watches to make sure you're okay. That's my job. And I'm not saying it was easy seeing you be passionate with another woman. Especially knowing it was never like that for us. But I think I'm okay with us never being caught in a stranger's basement," she laughed.

John smiled for a moment then grew serious once more. Pushing a hand through his hair, he sighed. "I've really made a mess of things haven't I?

Caitlin shrugged. "You're a man-it's what you men do. Luckily for you, though, all is not lost. You just need to be honest with Evangeline and tell her how you really feel. Not how you think you should feel. I think she would understand once you tell her."

"Tell her what?" John asked.

"That you're afraid to love her because once you do you'll go crazy if you ever lose her, " Caitlin replied. 

"Perception is overrated."

Caitlin smiled slyly, knowing she had him by the britches. "Hmm...I find it to be quite useful in my line of work these days."

She brushed a strand of windblown hair away from his face. "C'mon John. I know you. I know how you think. And you can't admit it, but you're afraid to let her all the way in because it means that you'll never want to keep her out once you do. She's not asking you to change for her. She wants you to change for you. I said earlier that I could accept you as you are, but that's not always right. That's not always love. Love is seeing all the potential there is in someone and wanting them to reach it. She sees you struggling. She wants to help you help yourself. That's love. She won't let you settle for being tortured by inner demons when she knows you can be free. Even if it's not with her. She's willing to let you go so you can let go. How many people in your life, me included, did that for you? We all just sat back and said, ‘Well, this is who he is. He doesn't have to say or do anything, his actions are enough.' We let you seep further and further into this dark abyss thinking it was best to ignore it than to upset you with the truth. But since I'm being honest, while I knew that you loved me as much as you could, a part of me knew that you could not give me all of you for whatever reason. But I would rather have had a piece of you than not have you at all so I chose to see the things I wanted to see. I settled for some of you. This woman is not like that. She's not capable of being dishonest with you or herself. She's not going to settle for pieces because she understands that she's worth having the whole."

John sighed. The truth was finally starting to sink in and he was at a crossroad for sure. "She's full of life. I know she loves me, I see it in her eyes. She makes me happy. She makes me think about other things besides work and everything that's wrong in my life."

"Like what?" Caitlin asked. She closed her eyes tilted her head towards the sun to get the full warmth.

"Like that I could have a future filled with good times. Homemade meals every month." He laughed at Caitlin's confused expression. "She's not into cooking the way you were but she's a damn good coo. I see  th children, companionship, love to last a lifetim. Simple things.  Waking up to something good and honest and knowing that she's yours for life. She was really the first person I opened up in depth about what happened with my dad and you. She didn't try to judge me or pacify my ego, she just listened and reminded me of the truth. She's beautiful and self-confident. I've never really been with someone so sure of herself before. She knows what she has and yet there is the side to her that is completely vulnerable, undiscovered by anyone, even herself." 

He stopped and caught what he just said and looked at her apologetically. "I'm sorry. I wasn't thinking...I didn't mean-"

Caitlin put a hand up and laughed. "You didn't have to say. I already know you were thinking it. And I'm not offended. I'm here to listen. You're right. You've always been attracted to those who were openly vulnerable, the type of woman who depended on a man to make her happy or to protect her. I wasn't as bad as Natalie, but I was certainly not anywhere near Evangeline. But doesn't that make you feel good? Knowing that Evangeline doesn't need you because she has to, but because she wants to?"

"Of course," he said immediately. "It blows my mind that she trusts me like that enough to let me take care of her when she needs it. Even when her independence can be a pain in the ass and she puts herself in dangerous situations."

"Now it's my turn to feel the ‘but' coming," Caitlin said.

"But," John started, "just as easily as it can all be given to me, it can just as quickly be taken away. And I can't lose another person in my life. I won't put another person's life at risk to satisfy my own happiness. I can't go through it again. "

"You will lose her John and yourself if you don't straighten this out. Evangeline belongs to no one but you. And you don't belong to anyone but her." 

Caitlin opened her eyes and took a deep breath. She stretched an arm out towards the open air and said, "I want you to look at something."

Caitlin pointed towards the center of the park. A family of five (six if the dog was included in the mix) sat in the middle on a blanket. Two children were running around their parents in a circle laughing and yelling the way only children who have never known a moment's tragedy can. And in the middle of the commotion sat a woman holding a baby in her arms, her back resting into the chest of a man that was probably her husband. John saw how peaceful they looked and blinked back a few tears. It was something he told himself repeatedly he could never have.

"Beautiful, isn't it?" Caitlin asked softly. "Look a little closer."

The detective squinted against the sun and the family finally came into focus. Her hair was much longer then, but it was Evangeline. She looked so beautiful.  She seemed happy. The man must have said something funny because she laughed and turned around to kiss him. As the beautiful little girls exclaimed their outrage at their parents' public display, John realized that the man was him. Those were his children. Evangeline and his. 

Caitlin smiled. Her work was almost done. "You're a man who always has to be in the know John. Don't you want to know what happens next? Being scared never overpowered your curiosity before. Why start now?"

John finally turned his attention to Caitlin. He didn't understand any of it and he didn‘t understand what she was doing. "Why are you showing me all this Caitlin? This can't be easy for you."

Caitlin, never taking her eyes off of the scene, said, "Your happiness makes it easy for me. I love you and I will never stop loving you. I want you to have the best life possible even if it's not with me. I accepted that a long time ago when I knew what I had to do. And these past few months you've looked happy John. When you look at her or when you simply touch her. Or the nights where you reach out for her and she's not there. That's the part no one sees. When even in your heated moments, you can't stand but an inch away from her. You thirst for her. Did you ever feel that way about anyone? Me, Natalie?"

The deafening salience coming from John was all the answer they both needed and Caitlin shook her head. "No, because there is love and then there is earth shattering, hard core, I-can't-stop-thinking-about-this-person kind of love. Love that doesn't involve guilt or obsessive needs to fulfill someone else's happiness without fulfilling your own. And this is your opportunity to cash in on the biggest mystery of your life. Walk away from it now and you'll be walking away from living. You will have chosen death."

She saw that John was going to protest and she shook her head. "No, I know what you're going to say but don't, okay? I'm not mad, I'm not angry. I'm okay with it now. We would have never had what you could have with her. But understand, this is not about me and you or just me anymore. This is all about you and her. That right there," she pointed to his family again, "is everything that you know you really want but don't feel you deserve to have. Of course, it's slightly distorted. There will be bumps along your way as it is with anything but time after time the results will almost always be like that. Are you really ready to walk away from something so right and real? It's so close,  right at your fingertips, you just have to grab it."

There was a long silence as they both looked at future John stroking Evangeline‘s hair while looking at his baby boy. He looked proud, happy, and satisfied. Like he had found home and peace all in that circle. 

"What happens if I don‘t?" he finally asked.

Caitlin tilted her head and shrugged. "Ah, you see, that's not something I can show you. I'm only allowed to pick one. You've seen enough horror in your life to last a century. You didn't need to see the ugly. You know what it looks like and you'll recognize if it comes to that."

"I don't know if I can do it. I don't know if I'm strong enough," John admitted hoarsely.

Caitlin grabbed his hand and squeezed it tightly. "You can and you are. It's time to let go. Keep the memories that were good and move on. You need to love that woman the way I know you can. With all of you heart. If you just let it happen and stop trying to control your feelings, you'll find that most of your problems will disappear. Because it's not something you're supposed to control. This is the one emotion where you can just feel it and throw caution to the wind."

John brought Caitlin to his embrace, afraid to let go. As she retreated, she smiled the sweetest smile. The one that had always made him melt every time he saw it. As his breath caught on the wind his nostrils were filled with familiar scent. Like fresh flowers...in the springtime. And that's when he knew. 

He choked back the tears and took her in. All of her. From her delicate hands to her small frame. Her creamy complexion so different than that of Evangeline's. Caitlin looked fragile. Not weak, but fragile. Her freckles made her seem younger her 27 years. And Evangeline. Well, loving and tasting her was like devouring the finest chocolate: rich, smooth, sensual, beautiful and powerful. They were so different. He couldn't ever remember having an argument with Caitlin about anything. She was so agreeable and when she wanted something done, she had been subtle about getting John to come around to her view. He wouldn't realize until later that he had been coaxed. Caitlin let him believe he was in control of everything. But Evangeline, he argued with her all the time and he loved it. And the more she butted against him the more he needed her. She wasn't afraid to call him on his mess. She wasn't worried that he would walk away. She could need him but she could also leave him. And that's what he admired most about her. Her strength. 

Caitlin watched him work through the emotions and knew that her job was done. She could finally be at peace. Her Johnny Mac would be okay. It had been painful to watch him fall for a woman harder than he had ever fallen. But everyone had a duty and she had to finish hers. She just had no idea that it would hurt her so much to see him take the fall over someone else. She could feel that he was already letting go even as he held on for one last round to fight his feelings. She could feel herself slipping away. It was time. 

"I'm not going to see you again am I?" John asked already knowing the answer.

Caitlin kissed him softly on the cheek and wiped his tears away. "I'll always be in your heart. And I'll always be watching over you." 

"You have to know that I love you Caitlin. I always-" he tried to finish but his voice would not obey his mind. 

"Shh," she whispered softly. "I already know. And for what it's worth, let's just leave it at that. It's not about the past anymore. The time is now. Grasp it with all your strength John because once it's gone you can't get it back. But I need you to do me one favor."

"Anything," he answered.

"I'm going to get up and I don't want you to say anything to me. I just want you to stand there and...let me walk away.  And to remember that more than anyone else God loves you. You are worthy. That is why you were created. Can you do that?

John touched her hair, then her face until he traced her form with his fingertip. He felt her life force slowly leaving his mind and settling into what would be a very special part of his heart. He nodded silently as promised.

They rose off of the blanket.  She laughed because it was all she could do and hugged him tightly once more before walking away. Out of the park and out of John's existence. John watched as she walked by the spot where he and Evangeline still sat with their children laughing and playing. Caitlin stopped for a moment to look at them. She turned back one last time and yelled, "It's only real if you want it to be."

As she disappeared into the crowd, so did he, Evangeline, and the children. The detective who was known for his stoicism, sat down on the blanket and cried. The years of bottling all his frustrations, disappointments, love, loss, anguish, hope and fear had come pouring out of him like liquid on glass. He could finally see what he needed to do and who he needed to do it with. "Van, I need you," he whispered.

"Then come and get me," an echo of Evangeline's voice whispered back. 

John McBain awoke in the dark. Alone. He was still frightened, but it was all right. 

I'm frightened by the love 
That's in you
But it's alright
And I'm
I'm frightened by the love
That's in me
But I know it's alright
It's alright

 

 

End Notes:

Who's Afraid of the Big Bad Review Button? Not I!

I Shall Believe Pt. 1 by Vita Consuelo
Author's Notes:

Alright, this is one of my favorite songs people. I am the type of person who fees that film, be it television shows or movies, are extricably linked with the music assigned to it. And really when I write my stories it's usually based on a song that has put me in the mood to create characters or a story for familiar characters. I love brigning my two great loves together and I hop you enjoy this next chapter inspired by Sheryl Crow's I Shall Believe. I had owned this CD since it had come out. And being ten at the time, I had only really listened to the hits. Then years later a show named Roswell came out and the lead characters Max and Liz danced to this song. It was so romantic and sad and you totally should buy the DVDs or watch a few episdoes online, because it was a great show. And listen to the song while you're at tit. You will not be disappointed. 

 

Come to me now
Lay your hands over me
Even if it's a lie 
Say it will be alright
I shall believe


A heavy knock on Evangeline's door brought her out of her slumber. Her heart pounded in her chest at the startling sound and she tried to open her eyes in the dark to focus. 

"What the...?" she started groggily as she tried to find the clock in the dark. The red numbers told her it was three twenty-two in the morning. 

All Evangeline knew was that whoever was knocking on her door had better had a real emergency at this time to be waking her up. 

The knocking persisted and she sighed. Pulling the covers from off of her, she got up and made her way to the living room. "I'm coming already!" she shouted. "Hold you horses," she mumbled under her breath. 

As she began pulling the locks off the door, she put one eye to the peep hole to see what idiot actually had the nerve to bang on her door so early in the morning. "What?" she asked herself softly as she recognized the figure in the hallway.

She opened the door fully and stood there silently. John McBain looked like a mess. Something that was unusual for him. He looked like he hadn't slept well and he was paler than usual. His hair was pulled back in a messy ponytail. Evangeline had never seen her boyfriend, well ex-boyfriend, like that before. Something had to be wrong. She waited for him to say something but just stood there looking at her. 

On the other side of the door, John was thinking that Evangeline never looked more beautiful and fresh than when she was just waking up. She was void of any make up and her skin still looked flawless. She looked so young and vulnerable in that moment, still defenseless in her drowsy state. And he knew she was the kind of woman that could go out like that too. She could go without the make-up and the fancy clothes because she was confident in what she was and who she was. She understood her self-worth. She was a woman.

No longer being able to keep the silence, he said, "I was in the neighborhood."

Evangeline raised a brow. "So you were in my neighborhood at three in the morning and you just decided that you should stop by on your way from...bowling and brooding?"

He could have said something sarcastic in return or he could have made up a lie, but she would have called him on it and they both knew it would be pointless. He let out a short laugh and said, "Something like that."

Evangeline wasn't falling for it so she folded her arms ready to assume her suspicious stance and tossed her hair back. "You're going to have to give me a little more than that John."

John looked into Evangeline's eyes and he saw the hurt that she tried to mask so diligently beneath the surface. He could always read her like that even though she thought otherwise. He always knew what she was feeling. Maybe because she was always upfront about her thoughts, but even beyond her frankness John saw the secrets and hurts she tried to keep hidden from the rest of the world. It was his fault that she thought he didn't know her. One of the many things the detective would rectify on this night. If she would let him. He shifted his weight to the other foot and leaned into her space.

Broken in two
And I know you're on to me
That I only come home 
When I'm so all alone
I do believe


"Can I at least come in?"

Evangeline wasn't going to budge. She knew she was safe as long as he stayed outside of her cocoon. "I don't see the point in that McBain. We've both said, I think, everything we had to say to each other today. I got the point loud and clear. I don't need a further demonstration."

Evangeline watched a nervous John turn immediately into the detective she both loved and hated. His eyes narrowed in on hers and the blue orbs of fire flickered with anger. "Don't you dare act like I don't care. That this," he motioned between them, "isn't anything special to me. You never let me explain. You didn‘t wait for-"

The detective never got to finish his statement because Evangeline, with brute strength she must have borrowed from her ancestors in the moment, yanked him inside of her condo and shut the door.

"Wait?! I'm so sick and tired of that word. Of doing that action!" she shouted as she pushed his back to the door. "That's all I do all day, every day is wait! And I don't want to wait anymore. I'm young, successful and...and...black, damn it!" John raised an eyebrow at that comment and Evangeline could feel her cheeks burning. "And okay, I couldn't think of something better to say because it's three in the freaking morning so don't look at me like that," she warned him. 

"The point is, I'm a good person, I care about people. I don't deserve to wait. I've never waited before and I am disappointed that I let myself become that kind of woman who would, especially for a man."

If John hadn't been in love with Evangeline all the way before, he had certainly just fell the rest of the way right then. He touched her face with his back still pinned to the door and he saw the conflict that lay in those chocolate eyes of hers. He saw her filled with desire for him and him alone but, also deep anger. Anger at him and maybe at herself for still wanting him. And even worse, hurt. He could deal with people hating him, being angry with him. But he couldn't deal with knowing he caused another person pain. 

John didn't try to touch her, but he nodded. "You're right. You don't deserve to wait. Not for me or not for anyone. Now, let me tell you what I don't deserve."

Evangeline backed up, her face still firmly set with anger and resentment. John slowly began to walk toward her as he talked. This time Evangeline was being backed into a corner. "I don't deserve you. I don't deserve your love or your patience or you putting up with my walls. I don't deserve your heart or your body and definitely not your soul. Your time and your energy would be better spent with a Harvard grad who was on his way to becoming the next president. Someone who will cloak you in love, jewels, wealth and everything that your heart desires."

That not everything is gonna
Be the way you think it oughta be
It seems like every time I try to make it right
It all comes down on me
Please say honestly 
You won't give up on me
I shall believe
I shall believe


Evangeline's eye twitched at his speech. Her back hit the wall softly on the other side of the room. She didn't dare interrupt him while he was on a roll. "Because I can't give you all of that. You'll never live in a mansion with me and I'm never going to be able to quote Socrates or fly on Air Force One. You won't get tiaras every week and new fancy designer clothes. All you'll get is me. Me that comes with a past and baggage that I haven't really claimed yet. Me that has trouble opening up and who doesn't really do birthdays or flowers. So if that's what you're looking for you've got the wrong man. And you'd be right. I don't deserve you. But guess what?"

"What?" Evangeline whispered so softly he almost didn't catch it.

He grabbed her face gently and took her mouth with immediate urgency. He felt her body tense and her heart pound against his own speeding heart. Their tongues began to mesh into a rhythm that was now as familiar to him as his own breathing. She wrapped her arms around his waist and pulled him as close as she possibly could and it still wasn't enough for him. He realized how much he depended on her to make him whole-to make him happy. He loved her so much he wished he could leave the world behind and crawl inside of her. Because Evangeline Williamson was his saving grace. His protector. In her arms he was the one that felt safe.

He reluctantly pulled apart to finish what he had to say. Evangeline waited, breathing heavy, wanting so badly for it all to be over. She just wanted to know so she could move on. So she could have a chance to be happy.

Open the door
Show me your face tonight
I know it's true
No one heals me like you
You hold the key
Never again
Will I turn away from you
I'm so heavy tonight 
But your love is alright
And I do believe


John, still holding her face in his hands, made her look at him. "You're stuck with me. I told you before we were worth fighting for. And that hasn't changed. So with all of my flaws and issues you're stuck with me because I'm too selfish a bastard to let you go. I love you Evangeline Williamson. And I'm telling you now that I'm not always going to get it right, but I'm sure as hell going to try because you deserve that. You make me want to be a better person. You were the first person since Caitlin to make me want a future. To make me see how much it is better to love and be loved than to sit in the dark brooding, as you say, in guilt over things I can't control and never could. Dying a little as each day went by. I didn't realize it until it was almost too late. I didn't realize it until it was almost too late. Until I saw you walk out that door and thought it was forever that the only time I ever feel like I'm home, is when I'm with you. I messed up Van, and I want to spend the rest of my life trying to make it up to you. Yesterday, today and tomorrow. Give me a chance to deserve your love Van and I won't let you down."

That not everything is gonna
Be the way you think it oughta be
It seems like every time I try to make it right
It all comes down on me
Please say honestly 
You won't give up on me
I shall believe
I shall believe...


Evangeline could no longer hold back the tears. She bit her lip and brought her hands to brush the loose strands of hair away from his face. "Lieutenant, I think that's the longest I've ever heard you talk."

John chuckled. "I told you I was working on it with you." He suddenly became serious again. "But the question is was it enough?"

Wrapping her arms around his waist she tilted her head back and smiled. "I'll tell you in a minute. But now, I have to ask the questions. What made you come to this revelation?'

John brought Evangeline over to her couch. As he sat down he pulled on top of his lap. "I went to bed tonight alone. I'm so used to you being there now. Your presence. Everything in my apartment you in there. I just stood there for a while thinking about us, about why I was so afraid to say what I was already feeling. Then I went to sleep. And I dreamed of Caitlin."

"Your fiancée," Evangeline said as a statement rather than as a question. 

John nodded. He loved how there was no insecurity there when she said Caitlin's name. No guarded jealousy. She accepted that part of his past with sincerity. Not just on the surface. "Yeah. It seemed so real. We were in a park back in D.C. It was our favorite spot. And she told me things."

Evangeline wanted to know what those things were, but she wasn't going to ask. She was curious but she wasn't tactless. John saw the question still in her eyes but she held her hand up in protest. "I don't wanna know. It's private. And I don't need to hear about it."

"But I want to tell you," John interjected. "If I'm going to start breaking down these walls and fully give you my heart and my trust, I'm going to have to be upfront with you. I don't want to hide my feelings from you anymore. I need to tell you everything."

"Only if you want to John; I don't want you to feel like you have to. Like I'm forcing you," Evangeline said sincerely.

"You're not," he promised. "Anyway, we just talked about old times a little and about my guilt over her death. Pretty much all of things I hate to talk about like feelings and me deserving happiness. But we mostly talked about my destiny and where you fit in it. The gist of it was that you're the love of my life as she put it. You're the one. The only one for me. . I already knew it, but I was fighting it."

"Why?"

"Because I thought loving you meant that I was putting your life in danger. My job sometimes makes the ones I love a target for that kind of thing. I was afraid to love you, to have you in my life because it would mean I could lose you for good. It feels like everything I touch sometimes turns to dust. Maybe it's not just my job. Maybe it's who I am that gets people hurt."

Evangeline rolled her eyes and smiled in spite of herself. No matter how hard she tried to tell John that she wasn't china he wouldn't listen. "Oh, John you're not going to lose me. And yes, when you shut people out and close up your heart that is when people get hurt. That's the only time they get hurt. Not because you're this evil person you think you are. And as far as your job is concerned, John, I knew what you did before we became involved and trust me, I'm not going to crack under pressure. Tough girls don't do that. And they don't pick people to be in their lives who they know will let them down. When it's my time, it's my time and there is really nothing you or anyone can do to stop it from happening."

He smiled because Caitlin had said those very words to him. "I know. I know that now. But uh, it's not easy sitting back and doing nothing when you're so used to having to be the protector all the time. It's hard to let that role go, you know?"

"Well," Evangeline began, "I don't know about the protector role, but I know what it's like to hold on to something because it's all you know. It's familiar."

"Yeah, exactly. But Caitlin...she helped me to realize that my life wouldn't be good without you in it. I would never be happy. And she seems to think that I deserve that happiness."

"She would be right. It seems to me that Caitlin was one very intelligent woman."

"She really was," John agreed.

Evangeline hesitated for a moment and cocked her head to the side to study John's face. "But I don't want you to be with me because someone told you to. Real, imagined, or ghost from the past, you have to want it. Need it for yourself."

Alarms went off in John's head and he shook his head in protest. "Don't be crazy Van. Caitlin's voice, for a long time, has been my subconscious. My moral compass always trying to steer me in the right direction. When I dreamed of her, it was really just me trying to work out the demons inside of me. I got Caitlin's voice-I think-because it was easier to hear form someone good like her than from myself. All I do is beat myself up over every lost moment and every victim that has come my way. That I couldn't save. Caitlin was a safeguard she could be the outsider to reiterate everything I felt. I think I do that a lot to people, you know, use them to hide from my reality."

John smoothed a wisp of Evangeline's silky mane from her face. "I stopped dreaming of Caitlin for a long time. Probably around the time when we put the strings on. You became my everything even though I didn't see it. Didn't want to see it. And now, when I look at you, I see the person I want to stand beside-not behind. You make me feel alive and loved. Complete. You made me grow up and realize that I've been stuck in this emotional tug of war with where I was as a kid who lost people he loved and the man trying to overcome all of it. You and you alone are responsible and no one else. So don't ever think that anyone could tell me what to do where you're concerned. I know you have a good reason to believe just that, but I telling you now that I'm going to work hard to absolve that fear and doubt in your eyes."

She simply nodded and brushed her lips against his in acceptance of his decree. "I guess maybe your dreams were a way to say goodbye to the past and accepting the future."

"Our future," John corrected her.

"Our future," she repeated. "I like the sound of that. And I like the way you say it McBain. I think you're a keeper."

"Yeah?"

"Yeah."

"Excellent," he said going in for another kiss, but Evangeline laughed unexpectedly before he could commit to target area-her luscious, kissable lips.

"Ah, I see the McBain I-only-speak-in-sentences-of-three is back." 

John smiled and shrugged. Still, there was one thing that Evangeline wanted to know despite her better judgment. Even as he professed his love to her the thought niggled in the back of her mind. "I do have one more question."

John sighed suspecting what the question was. A compliment to how well he knew his lover. "I have the feeling I'm not going to like it."

"Probably not, but when has that ever stopped me? Are you sure that you can really move on? That you'll stop using your past or anything else for that matter as a way to keep me out? Because I really need to know now John. I'm not going into round two with a chip on my shoulder. But if you tell me that you're willing to let me inside of you then I'll believe. I will believe you because I know you don't lie. " 

Evangeline waited with a look of total serenity as she stared into her lover's eyes searching for an early answer. But inside, her stomach twisted in knots. 

"I knew you were going to ask that," was all John said.

 

 

End Notes:

You know what to do...read and review!

I Shall Believe Pt. 2 by Vita Consuelo
Author's Notes:

Thia ia it lovelies. This was just a short fic to give you guys a taste of my writing style. Thanks for all the lovely compliments and welcomes. Now I am off to Reread for the billionth time Anna's Boys because I can't sleep!

 

Evangeline waited serenely as she stared into her lover's eyes searching for an early answer. Inside, her stomach twisted in knots. 

"I knew you were going to ask that," was all John said.

"Well, then you know me very well."

John stroked Evangeline‘s thigh absentmindedly. "Natalie isn't an issue anymore. I don't she think ever was," he said truthfully. 

"I didn't say Natalie John," Evangeline pointed out.

"But you were thinking it. I know you better than you think Evangeline." When she looked away he smiled knowing he was right. "She was never a threat; only my guilt over her and Cristian. I was the threat. But I had already told you that before. I was never in love with Natalie and I'm sorry if it seemed otherwise."

Evangeline sighed. It was her turn to be honest and to face her own insecurities that had come in the picture right around the time John came into her life. "John, my issues weren't with Natalie. To tell you the truth, I didn't know her well enough to be concerned with her actions. Sure, I heard the stories about how she blew into town and of course I represented Mitch Lawrence so I knew all about that. But I was concerned more so with your feelings and how you viewed your relationship with her. And yes, I questioned whether your feelings for Natalie were deeper than yours for mine. It seems like every time I turn around, there she is-or was. And you...well, I can see why she is attracted to you, why she wanted you. You're a good man and those are hard to come by. There is always going to be a woman or two who have their eyes on you. I can handle that if I know I've got you the way you've got me."

John shook his head in protest but Evangeline would have none of it. "Demons and all you are still a wonderful man. You wouldn't have trouble getting any woman if that's what you set our focus on. So when Natalie would come to you, I almost expected it. But what I didn't expect was that you would keep allowing her to enable you to protect her from everything, including yourself. And you couldn't even see what you were doing. To make matters worse, people around town seemed to think that you two had this connection of some sort. And it's not like I didn't see it. I knew there was something there, but the connection I saw when I first spoke to you about...it wasn't the same one I realized later on. What I finally saw were two people who were in a very bad way trying to stay that way together but for different reasons. As long as she was a victim you could play hero to her and you would endlessly be trying to rectify what you think you did or didn't do for Caitlin and whoever else was a part of your life before you came to Llanview. And I guess for Natalie she could play that role and have someone take care of her. She has many insecurities, all which usually involve men taking care of her in the end. It's why I kept telling you to figure it out before we got deeper John. I could not save you, you had to save yourself. And I wasn't going to play games trying to get you to do it. I've given you all the time in the world without complaint because I wanted you to be sure that this was what you truly wanted."

John blew out a big breath. He knew it was coming. This was the moment of truth. He had told her he loved her which by no means was a lie. But could he still crack his heart open enough to let her see all the turmoil that lay dormant? Well, he thought, here goes nothing. "Natalie was a clutch. A sick clutch, I know. It was easy to be with her and just...exist.  We could talk about all the unimportant bonds we shared. The things that didn't really matter. And usually she did all the talking. I could listen to her problems and sort of fix them for her. She demanded so little and needed so much at the same time. So you're right when you say it wasn't really her fault. I allowed it because I thought that after getting her husband killed, the least I could do was spend the rest of my life trying to make her happy. Even fill Cris' shoes if that's what she needed."

"But all at the expense of what you needed?" Evangeline asked.

"Yeah, that's pretty much it. When I met her, it started with a lie. And when it all ended...the truth was harder to come by. Maybe I thought it was pointless too. I had lied to her so much it felt like the truth to me. I was convinced that it was all for her own good. And then you walked into my life. You just came out of nowhere. And what happened in Mary Barnes' basement, I never saw it coming. I think I told you that before."

"You did," Evangeline said with a small smile. 

"But when it happened, it was like this energy that was bigger than you and I. We said we both weren't ready for anything more than casual and yet, we couldn't stop being near each other. Honestly, I thought, ‘It's just really great sex.' We're good together like that. Whatever issues we had outside of the bedroom we kind of took it out on each other inside. But then I started to see early on that it was going to be more than that. We were talking, opening up about our pasts, spending time with each other outside of the bedroom. It just seemed so natural when you suggested a date then, finally, strings. And I knew what you were doing. I knew you weren't trying to corner me but I could see that you were becoming more interested because you're not the kind of woman who gives her body to a man without giving them a piece of her heart. Still, you always gave me an easy out and I wanted to take it at first. My mind was working against what I was feeling in my heart. I thought I could control everything I was feeling for you. I could give you what you wanted just enough to keep you with me without having to go to the next level. Every time I went to put a stop to this, every time I said that this couldn't go farther, I kept adding more strings or wanting you to demand more. You ruined my plans."

"I did?" she asked with a raised brow? She had no idea John McBain made plans of any kind. Especially ones that involved her.

John nodded. "You don't even know how electric you are do you? How wonderful you are to someone like me. You wouldn't let me run away when you saw that I was starting to hide. You saw that there was something there and you didn't really push, but you kind of let me know where you were and I could either follow or stay back. And while I thought I should just stay where I'm at and just let things fizzle, I couldn't. The more time spent with you, the more I could feel myself changing. And you were changing too. You took interests in what I liked ,asked me about me, and made sure I was okay. For the first time in a long time, someone was taking care of me and I didn't even see it until I was in the thick of it. I didn't know how to react to that."

Evangeline shook her head in disbelief. "You're not used to being put first are you?"

The detective chuckled. "Yeah. I'm not sure if that's completely the fault of others or some of mine. But you're like that to. Used to taking care of yourself without letting others help you. Except with me. You opened up to me to show your vulnerable side. The side that no one sees. The day that bastard attacked you, I know how hard it was for you to lean on me and let me take care of you. But you did. I was beginning to see that I was going to have to meet you halfway at one point or another and that scared me. Because that step meant that love wasn't far away."

"So what are you saying John?" 

"I say all this to say that maybe I did push Natalie in between us. She was like a life preserver in the middle of the ocean. She gave me the opportunity to keep my life the way it was, to keep floating in the middle of nowhere. With her, I could be in control of my feelings because it was never about my feelings. It was all about hers. Being her savior. And maybe if I could be there for her enough, you would get the picture and walk away. Leave me rotting in my misery."

"But then Cristian came back."

"Yes, he came back. And it was like a wave of relief. Relief that the world was almost right again. Natalie was going to get her happy ending after all and I could scratch her off my list of righting wrongs. But at the same time, it meant that I couldn't use her anymore to stop you from coming in. Suddenly you were always in my thoughts. The only one in my thoughts. I would spend hours in the office thinking about you and us. And the possibilities. And every time I got close to saying to you that I loved you, I shut those thoughts down."

Evangeline sighed. This side of John, it was so new. So different. She didn't know if she could handle it all at once. But she understood that he needed to get this out, and she wasn't going to stop him for anything in the world. She stroked away a tear that fell slowly from his face and closed her eyes as he kissed her hand. "Why would you do that? To protect me?"

"To protect me," he admitted almost ashamedly. "If I didn't let you in, I could never be hurt again. I could never lose another person that I loved. But the night you were attacked I was working on suppressing my feelings and I was still scared shitless. So I guess it wasn't working. But for you to understand why I'm like this you should know the whole story."

Evangeline nodded and replied, "I always knew this went beyond Caitlin and your father. Am I right?"

John smiled and gave her the look that always made Evangeline melt to the floor. The look where he seemed to be staring into the depths of her womanhood. She was almost mystified by it; the way the look would put her in a trance. "You always are."

He shifted a little until Evangeline was forced to straddle him and when she wriggled up against him in innocence, he wanted to forget about everything and just take her right there. Instead, he settled for a mental groan and his hands placed on her ample bottom; one of his hands' favorite resting places on her body when they were just being mellow or just being plain naughty. Once she was settled she waited for him to speak. 

"My father was the kind of officer who always had his scanner on in the house. Day or night, on call or off, it was glued to him like a third arm. My mother would always make him turn it off when we were eating or doing family stuff. He always told me being a cop was about protecting people who couldn't protect themselves. And every time he turned the scanner off, he was allowing another defenseless person to be harmed. He said it was his duty to protect and serve at all times and at all costs. And I loved him and was so in awe of what he did every day. He risked his life for strangers so that they could home to their families in one piece. He was like a hero, you know? So during dinner he would turn it off dutifully, but I would always wink at him and sneak into his bedroom to turn it back on for him. We always made it like a little mission between us and the object was to keep mom from catching us, but she always knew. She wasn't stupid, she knew exactly why he would excuse himself from the dinner table every ten minutes to ‘check the score'. Mom knew everything that happened under her nose whether she spoke it aloud or not."

Evangeline couldn't help but laugh at this remembering all the times her mother would catch her and her father sneaking midnight snacks behind her back. "I think all mothers have that ability. It's like a sixth sense."

"Exactly," John said with a nod. "The night my father died it had been pretty routine. Dad always had half a day on Fridays and was at home by the time school let out. On most days he worked until ten but always came home for dinner hour. That night, dad had turned his scanner off and my mother rolled her eyes because she knew it would be about two minutes before I'd turn it back on. He always made a big show of it and it would get me and Mikey laughing and my sister Brenna too. Anyway, we were sitting at the table when the scanner beeped a code from Dad‘s partner. That day when I turned it on, I forgot to turn the volume down. When the call came in over the scanner in code from his partner it was loud so everyone at the table heard. Dad answered it immediately calling into the station. There was a big drug bust they had been working for the better part of a year. It had major ties with the local mob boss and maybe even a bigger boss in the New York area. They were being real careful as they thought this thug had some connection s with an officer. His partner said he got some new leads that could put the scum away for life. My dad apologized about leaving but my mother was not happy and said she didn't want him to go. They bickered for a few minutes until he grabbed her by the waist and gave her a kiss and told her he loved her, but he had to do it. He kissed us all goodbye and said he would be back before bedtime."

John stopped for a moment and Evangeline wisely said nothing. She let him compose himself, caress her back in small circles and nuzzle his nose in her neck as if trying to gain the courage from where her words of comfort lay silently in wait. "The bust turned out to be a trap. His partner had been doing double work for the past few years. A lot of times, the cops get caught up in the investigation and the greed and lust take over. Money becomes the new law and..." Evangeline pulled John gently from her neck in horror at what she was going to hear. John laughed bitterly and nodded. "Yeah, he set my dad up. His partner of fourteen years set him up for the fall. Tony Silvano, the bastard, shot him point blank at the warehouse. Execution style, with no warning. I always wonder when my dad knew the moment he had been double crossed. What did he think about? Was it about me or my mother? Himself? When my mother got the call, when she picked up the phone, I know she knew because she was worried that night. More worried than I had ever seen her. She and my father were...she knew something went wrong. It was like she was preparing herself as she got us ready for bed and started talking to us about all the good things our father had done for the community and to always remember how much he loved us. What a good person he was. 

"When she finally told us what had happened, I felt immediate guilt. If only I had listened to her and turned the scanner off. It was such a simple thing, a simple action. A request that she asked almost every night and every night we disobeyed her fervently. If I would have listened to her that one time, maybe he still would have been alive. Not only had I lost the person who meant everything in the world to me, but my mother had too. My parents, they loved each other so much. My father, he never told me or Mikey he loved us all the time. It was the things he did for us day to day that let us know. But when it came to my mother, he was always telling her he loved her. Mom and Brenna. They were his wild Irish roses he called them. Losing him like that, so unexpectedly, I saw how it shattered my mother's world. She fell apart. She stopped breathing. I had to step up and be the man of the family. To make up for what I had done."

Evangeline couldn't help the single tear from falling down her cheek at the thought of John the little boy already setting the stones in motion for a life time worth of guilt and an obsessive need to save the world. "John, how could you take the blame for something that was out of your control? You didn't ask for your father to be shot, you didn't ask for him to become a cop. You were just a little boy doing something you had always done and every night your father came home no worse off for it."

"Evangeline, my mind knows that now, but my heart still kinda feels like I'm still stuck in that zone when I was a kid...that it's all on me. As a kid, you always put the blame on you when bad things happen. It's like a natural reaction or something. But that feeling doesn't go away. It stays with you. It grows as you grow and messed with your mind.  When Dad's funeral happened, I made a vow to him that day that I was going to watch over our family and protect them. I was going to fix what I broke. And then Brenna..."

Evangeline squeezed his arm in support. "John, I know you never talk about your sister. What happened with Brenna?" She had always wondered, but always felt it was never the right moment to ask. And if tonight was John's moment of clarity, there was not better time than now than to ask him to share if he could. 

For a moment, it was as if John had traveled back to his childhood in Jersey when things were less complicated and simpler. He could see little redheaded, green eyed, three year old Brenna snatching the toy GI-Joe from him and Michael and sweetly shouting, "Mine!" His parents laughing as she bopped them on the head with the action figure covered in her slobber. Always with the mischievous look in her eyes as if she dared anyone-even that young-to call her on her mess. If anyone else would have done that, they surely would have caught a square punch in the nose from John, but his baby sister could do no wrong in his eyes or anyone else's in the family. McBain women were few and far in between and Brenna had been the only girl in their generation.

"Brenna, from the moment she opened her eyes to the moment she closed them, she was the most beautiful girl I had ever seen. She was full of life, full of love.  Ambitious. She always had some get rich quick scheme growing up. When she wanted a pair of cowboy boots because that's what Linda Ronstadt wore, she put on a little musical with the kids on the block and charged the adults a buck a pop to get in. She was the life of the party, a real go get'em type of person. You would have appreciated her drive and determination. You reminded me of her in a lot of ways. Very strong, very independent, but fiercely loyal and just a little sensitive underneath it all. She never wanted to be in Jersey. Said it was too small for her dreams."

"How old was she when she...?" Evangeline let the question hang in the air.

John swallowed hard and said, "She was sixteen. It's, uh, funny because I remember that day so well. Dad had been dead for about five years. It was right around her birthday when he was killed. It was really bad. Bren's birthday, the first one after dad died, was hard on everyone. She was his favorite. Not that he didn't love us all equally but-"

"It's something about daddies and their little girls," Evangeline interjected, understanding completely.

John nodded. "She was his pride and joy. Smart, friendly, intelligent, outgoing. And Irish to the core both in appearance and temperament. So when he died she took it the hardest I think. Michael was always the practical one. He was crazy over it, but he shook it off faster than all of us because that's just how he was. I couldn't fall apart as the oldest. It was my job to let everyone cry on my shoulder. For me to step up and be the man. And Brenna being the baby, she was at a loss. She stopped going out for a while. She cut and dyed her hair black. She wouldn't eat. So when her birthday came, it wasn't fun to say the least. 

"But then another year went by and another one after that and slowly but surely she had come around. Her hair was back to its natural color, longer than it had ever been. Almost to her knees. She was smiling again. She had a boyfriend. She wanted to be an actress or veterinarian so she spent all her time in school plays or at the local pound watching the vets with the strays. She was so talented she could have done it all. Then the day of her birthday party, I was supposed to pick her up from school at four. She was staying late to help with some charity event because she was in student government. The plan was I would pick her up and take her over to her friend Karen's house so they could try on some new clothes they had brought at the mall earlier in the week. Karen was supposed to convince her to wear one of the outfits out. Since it was a Friday, Karen was going to come over and have a birthday sleepover with some of their other friends so Bren wouldn't  be suspicious."

"How old were you then?" Evangeline interrupted.

"I was 20," John replied, "still living at home but going to community college. By then I had already been a bad boy gone good. It was rough for me living without dad. I was always trying to live up to his reputation. Everyone expected me to just follow in his footsteps and be the kind of stand up guy that he was. But after he died, I lost faith in what was good and I was thinking there was no point in pursuing it. So I hung with the wrong crowd for awhile, but then it got kind of stale and just a little too dangerous and I grew up. I knew I had to watch over my family and be something more than a failure. So I graduated and went to college. I was convinced I could never really leave home so I chose to keep it local. Just in case. Well, on this particular day my mother was flipping out because the caterer was late with the cake and the decorations hadn't gone up yet and she wanted this sweet sixteen to be perfect for Brenna. Everything had to be right. She didn't know about the party and I couldn't stop by the bakery without her getting suspicious. I had called to see if her boyfriend Grant Porter could pick her up but he and Michael had gone to the market to get some more food for the party. 

"It was November so it got dark really quick. I headed to the bakery which was about fifteen minutes outside of town. It was a small town, though, and everyone wanted to stop and tell me to wish Brenna happy birthday, ask how was I in school and didn't Michael start high school in a year? By the time I got out of there it was almost 4:45 and the sun was setting. I dropped the cake off at the house and mom told me she had called the school and talked to Brenna to let her know I was running late. Brenna told her she would be waiting outside by the gate since she knew how I was about being late. Mom said the last thing Brenna told her to tell me before I left was that I was an excellent hypocrite. It was a running joke in the family that I was always a stickler for everyone else to be on time, but I made up different rules for myself. As I was leaving, some sick, evil, scum of a bitch was right across the street from where Brenna was waiting. Watching her. Planning his move. She was guileless so she wouldn't have thought twice about talking to a stranger. And in this town, everyone knew everyone. It was a rough town, but it wasn't to the point where people were scared to be out at night. He came up to her and told her he had lost his puppy and could she help him find it."

Evangeline gasped. "Oh John."

"I know right? Classic line. When I look back on it, the way your reaction is now, I bet growing up your parents drilled it in your head not talk to strangers. To watch your back. Always read the signs. And I think maybe now as an adult who knows a little more about the world, it might have been a cultural thing like you being from the city and me being on the outskirts. You were probably taught not to trust strangers. But to us there were good guys and bad guys and you always knew which ones were which. Like the bastard that killed my father. He looked like he was guilty. Like he was a killer. But this guy. He was different. He was one of us. He looked like one of us, and I don't mean in color."

"I get it John," Evangeline assured him. And she did. "You don't have to explain it."

"No, I do. We don't talk about that part of us. We never really have except for that one night after the football game. And there is a reason why. Because it doesn't matter. Not to me anyway. And stuff like that never has. I never want you to think that I think badly of your or where you come from. I'm as proud of your heritage as I am of my own."

"And I know that," Evangeline assured him. She squeezed his arm to continue. 

"What I meant was, he looked normal. Like any guy you would see walking down our neighborhood. Clean cut, well mannered. Nice looking. So of course Brenna wouldn't have hesitated for a moment to help him look for his dog. She couldn't stand to see a wounded animal. To hell with people, if there was a pet to be saved, she wanted in on it."

Evangeline could see the buildup of his emotions ready to crumble and her heart was breaking for him. She didn't want him to continue, not if it was too painful. "If you have to stop John, we can. I can't imagine how hard it is for you to relive this."

But John didn't her. He couldn't stop. The words had finally stopped pausing at his throat and they were just flowing out of him. He couldn't stop himself even if he wanted too. "I remember pulling up outside of the gates and not seeing her. I figured she may have gone back in the school to use the bathroom. Or it was dark, so she probably went inside to wait. I remember getting out of the car going in the school to look for her and not finding her there. Her best friend Shayla Harrison ran up to me all excited telling me that she and about seven or eight girls were headed over to our house to help mom finish with decorating. I remember Shay saying she felt bad having to lie to Bren about not being able to come to Karen's with her, but she wanted to make sure Mom had the best friend stamp of approval. I asked where Brenna was. She said the last she had saw her she was heading out to wait for me. I told them she was probably in the bathroom and one of the girls said she wasn't because she had just come from there. I was immediately worried. My gut told me something was wrong. When Brenna said she was going to be somewhere she was usually there unless she had an extremely good reason not to be. But she always called. Always. I ran back outside thinking maybe I would catch up with her and as I got to the gate I saw her silver bracelet that my dad had brought her lying on the ground. 

"The first thing that came to my mind was she had been kidnapped. I got back in the car and drove home as fast as I could going by all the routes I knew she would take sometimes on nice days after school to go home. I didn't see her anywhere. I was hoping to God that maybe she had called Mom and told her she was at Karen's already. When I pulled up to the house, the guests were just starting to arrive. Shayla and the girls had got there first. When I walked in my mom must have seen my face because she immediately stopped smiling and she said asked me what was wrong. I pulled her over to the side and told her that Shayla wasn't at the school. I could see it in her eyes the fear. It was like she was reliving the night dad died over again. Both Michael and Grant had come over by that time and Grant started freaking out. I know he loved my sister. I think had she would have lived they would...maybe, I don't know. Very quietly we got a few of the guys that were already there and told them that Brenna was missing. None of them had heard or seen anything suspicious but they wanted to help see if they could find her. I told them it was very important that they keep this quiet. If Brenna was okay and just had an emergency then I didn't want to get people upset and worried for nothing. Karen had called to ask if I had picked Bren up yet, so we knew she wasn't there. I told my mother to get back in the room and not to worry. But of course I knew she was. But she was a cop's wife. She knew how to be stoic and put on a show. She marched back into the living room as if nothing was going on. Later she told me the whole time, she knew something was going to end badly. She had felt it all day, but thought it was just because of the anniversary of dad's death being so close to Bren's birthday."

John paused for a moment. He had lived with the memories inside of him for so long, he could almost touch them to make them come alive. Evangeline waited with abated breath, her face half in shock, the other in disbelief that such an ugliness could exist in this world. Even as a lawyer who many times represented the scum of the earth, there was a naiveté about her that most people were still capable of being good. Of choosing good, even though the world proved otherwise. But she had to believe because if she didn't, the only other option was to become a recluse, emotionally closed off like...John.

"We searched for her all night. All night. By then it was hard to keep people at the house in the dark. People were starting to figure out something was wrong. By midnight, almost the whole town had been helping. But the ironic thing is that it was a few neighborhood kids who were playing T-ball at the old mill factory that had found Bren. The bastard raped her then...he strangled her and dumped her body in the thicket near the mill. He touched her innocence, ripped it from her. When the boys found her, they ran to my house and my mother was the one they told. Being the man in the family, it was my duty to go ID the body. I couldn't let Mom see Brenna like that. And Evangeline, when I saw her lying there on the ground, lifeless, with this white sheet covering her skin. Skin that used to be so warm and fresh and full of...just lifeless, I think I may have cried for the second time in my life. She had only been dead for a few hours, her eyes were open, the look of horror on her face. The thing I most regret about her death is that she had to die finally understanding how fucked up this world is. How evil we are. Even when Dad was killed, she still believed in life and justice that people were good, they just needed love. But those eyes they were the windows to her soul. They felt everything and they showed everything she felt. She must have been so terrified. And I kept thinking, ‘Look what you've done. You were late. This is your fault. What kind of man are you John McBain? You wanted to be like your father but you couldn't even keep him or his baby girl alive. What kind of son sends his father and his sister to his death?" 

"Did they ever catch him?" Evangeline asked. She would address John's self-loathing later, but for now, she didn't want him to stop.

"Yeah. They did. It didn't take long for them to link it to a Howie D. Johnson. They found out that he had just moved into the neighborhood that year. He had a rap sheet the size of Llanfair. Most of them were sexual assaults. This was before Megan's Law obviously. He wasn't obligated to let the community know of his past crimes. Most people had seen him around before. You know, at the market, getting gas. He seemed normal, a loner, but that was nothing unusual since he was new. I was actually at the station when they brought him in. I came as soon as they said they caught him. When I finally saw his face for the first time, I never felt so much hate before in my life. I wanted to kill him. I almost did. It took a bunch of officers to pry me off of him. I thought maybe if I could kill him, I could get rid of some of the guilt. Maybe I could make it right. But I don't think it would have helped if I succeeded. Brenna was still dead. My mother went deeper into depression. Started drinking. I don't think she ever really recovered from losing Brenna. And at the time, I thought it was my fault. Hell, I still think that."

Evangeline shook her head as she grabbed John's face. "But you know your father and sister would never blame you for what some sick, evil, horrible people did to them. They know how much you loved them John. And quite frankly, you do them more of a dishonor by refusing to live your life without all this guilt and pain then you do holding on to it. It wasn't right for them to die the way they did. No one should have to go like that, but if anything, it should have taught you a lesson: That our lives aren't promised to us nor is how long we have on this earth to get things right. To be happy. So you've got love, live, die for happiness at every opportunity. By refusing to let them go, to accept you‘re not to blame, their deaths go in vain. And I know you wouldn't want that. And I know they wouldn't want it. Not your dad or Brenna or Caitlin." 

"But Caitlin did change all of that," John protested. "She helped me to open up my heart again. And just when I thought I could be healed, when I let her in enough to love her, she just went away. Everyone loves you, but they never stay long enough to prove it."

"Look, John," Evangeline started, "I'm not going to do us both a disservice here by promising that I'll be here forever. That I'll never leave because we both know the minute I do that, I'm setting us both up for some serious irony. The truth is that I don't know what's going to happen two days from now or tomorrow. Any day could be our last day here. But I will promise you this: today or tomorrow, this year or next, whether here or in heaven, whenever or wherever, I'm always going to love you. I'm always going to want what's best for you. And I'm never going stop believing in the wonderful man that I know you are. You risk your life to protect others every day. Some don't deserve your protection but you give it to them anyway. Most will never know how much of yourself you sacrifice to keep them whole, but I know. And I'm always going to love you for it. And should the day come that you are left behind, know that you're not left alone. Love is not a physical thing. It's everything. It's in your spirit, your heart. And I hope you carry my love for you like you carry you badge: close to you always."

The detective who rarely spoke, if at all, who could never think beyond the moment, was suddenly filled with so many words and so many thoughts of what tomorrow would bring that all he could do was stare at the woman that sat on his lap with the doe eyes stained with tears and her glossy hair tied in a messy bun perched on either side of him giving herself, all of herself, to him on a silver platter. He knew that he didn't deserve the woman that sat before him. Not because she had a fancy title, or a classy upbringing or because she preferred tennis to football. She was probably the most sincere, honest, and loyal woman he ever meant. He knew that whatever it was that gave him to her was letting him know that she was not something to throw back into the pond for someone else to recognize how incredible she was. He had said Natalie was a life preserver who just kept him afloat, but Evangeline was his anchor. She kept him grounded when he needed it the most. When he was drifting farther from himself and those he loved, she calmly held him at bay. This was love.

"I'm going to try to get it right, Van. I promise."

"I don't need you to try, just to do it. I know losing people you love is never easy. Especially the way it happened with your father and sister and fiancée. That's a lot for a person to have to go through. But you don't have to do it alone. You've got people here who'll always want to help. Including me. And if we never make it together, you can still count on me to be there."

John's brow rose at her last comment. "You looking for us to not make it together?"

Evangeline laughed and pretended to think on it seriously. "Um, not in a million years McBain. You're stuck with me just as much I am with you."

John took the opportunity to suckle her bottom lip. It was one of his favorite body parts to explore. Evangeline had very kissable lips. Suddenly, the weight of all the things he had carried on his back, seemed to have lifted as he connected with her mouth. Evangeline moaned as she felt John harden against her bare thigh. 

"So, are you satisfied.? Did I answer all your questions?" John asked, his breath quickening.

"Yes, you did. Thank you John. For sharing all of that with me. I know that share time is not something you like to do but I really appreciate it."

Evangeline shivered as his hand steadily traveled up her thigh until they disappeared under her gown. John's eyes grew dark at her reaction. "It's the least I could do for someone who is going to be responsible for my life's happiness. Are we good now?"

"We are so very good now."

He stopped his stroking and looked at her in a way she had never been looked at before. Like he was staring into the very depths of her existence. Like he had uncovered of all her secrets, her mysteries. "I love you. I'm so in love with you I'm scared to death of it."

The lawyer closed her eyes taking in the sound. "You have no idea how long I've waited to hear those words coming from your lips. It feels good."

"Good," replied. " I think I couldn't say it because, for me, words are nothing special. Anyone can say I love you. But their actions speak louder. I had to mean it before I could say it.. I know I more than liked you very much. And I knew that what we had going was the start of a good thing. But I wouldn't let my heart feel that. And until I did, I couldn't let you hear what you wanted to hear from me."

"I understand that John. I did. I do."

John looked at the woman. His woman. She was all legs and curves. In that moment she looked like an Amazon. Strong and sensual. A woman who knew her power. And he couldn't wait for her to use it on him. "Now that all of this is settled. I want two things to happen in the next hour. Possibly three things."

"And those things would be?" 

"First, I want you to kiss me because it was only seven hours ago that I last saw you and we have a lot of kissing to make up for the time we've missed in between. Then I want you to let me make love with you because that is something that I can never get enough of. And finally, as we're completing task number two, I want you tell me you love me back." 

John's lips moved to her ear, his hands still caressing her thigh. "While I'm inside of you," he whispered.

Evangeline wrapped her arms and legs around her lover as he got off the couch and said, "You know Lieutenant, I think that I would like to take you up on that offer."

Please say honestly 
You won't give up on me
I shall believe
I shall believe...

 

End Notes:

I'm a Messianic Jew who loves when you Review!

Feelin' Love by Vita Consuelo
Author's Notes:

Thanks for all the reviews!

This song, Feelin Love by the amazing Paula Cole was featured on the City of Angels CD but having already been a fan of hers since she sang as a background singer for Peter Gabriel's Secrets tour years before, I had already owned her CDs. This song is so sensual, and it wasn't until I became an adult that I understood how friggin sexy it was.

Okay on with the show. And please recognize Ms. Cole for the awesomness that is her vocal abilities.

It was one of the most pleasurable sensations: waking up to a gentle breeze caressing your back like a lover on a lazy afternoon and your real lover molding your sensitive breasts in his rough palms as if he knew you were his first and last masterpiece. The low moan that escaped her throat caused John to smile against her soft skin as he suckled lightly on her neck. 


"I called off today. You'll do the same," John said, his raspy voice even rougher from all the talking they had done just hours ago. Evangeline's inner Gloria Steinem knew she should have protested at the command, but her body had already betrayed her as she felt the beginnings of round four pooling between her tender thighs.


"John McBain taking a day off?" she practically purred. "Apparently a leopard can change its spots after all."


The detective gently grabbed the lawyer's wrists and extended both above her head, keeping her in place as he gazed into her beautiful eyes. "I'm placing you under arrest. Does that make you feel better?"


Evangeline, not one to take a back seat in anything, quickly grabbed his lips with her own and began nibbling, applying just the right amount of pressure to make him groan her name. She pulled back and smirked, "I guess that depends on how you plan on punishing me, detective. Either way, I'm willing to be guilty until proven innocent."


Evangeline saw the flash of heat resound in his ice blue eyes and felt the intensity. The thrill of knowing that he could claim her and finally possess her in full, turned her on to no end. Gloria be damned. No woman with a man like John could help themselves. "Grab the bars and don't let go," he said smoothly, but the undertones implied that it was definitely another command and Evangeline could only comply. It was as if her body had a mind of its own and her brain was just there for decoration.


This has never been their problem. When all else failed they knew how to work their issues out in the bedroom. But in a matter of hours both John and Evangeline felt the change in their love making. It had never lacked passion or creativity, but somewhere in the recess of the two individuals' minds lay uncertainty. It was always as if they were making love with one another for the last time.


But this morning, everything was different. Before, the ultimate act of their union came so powerfully as if their bodies were attached to a building about to go up in C4. But this morning they added easy and peaceful to their repertoire. John had coaxed the orgasms out of Evangeline so tenderly while whispering words of love and admiration, she cried for the first time in her sexually active life. She didn't want to leave her apartment. She wanted to stay cozily ensconced in this blissful cocoon forever. The real world, she feared would ruin everything.


"Hey," John said with a slight frown on his face as he stopped his ministrations on her collarbone. "What are you thinking about in that beautiful head of yours? "


Evangeline simply shook her head and smiled. "Nothing bad. I was just thinking that I don't want this to end."


John laughed. "Is there something you know that I don't? "


Evangeline chuckled and took the opportunity to maneuver her legs underneath john's frame so she could wrap them around his torso. Her hands remained obediently attached to the bars. "I'm just thinking about what happens when we go back to being grown-ups and all of the outside forces in our lives give us a reality check."


John rolled his eyes. "Outside forces don't matter to us anymore. This is you and me now. I'm in love with you. You're in love with me. Everyone else can kiss our ass." John paused and looked down and glanced at the side of her scrumptious derrière and backtracked. "Better yet, let them kiss mine. Your ass belongs to me."


She sucked in her breath, her mind and body completely ready to be taken to the highest level of pleasure that only her lover could give her. 


"John."


Love, love


All that could be done in that moment was to stare at the breathtaking site before him. Her glossy dark hair fanned perfectly on her fancy silk pillows and the way her eyes were consumed with desire for him; devouring him even as he tried to return the favor. To make her see how much he needed every inch of her in every way.  He needed to make her see it...feel it. How just one dream changed everything.


"Today is ours. Just us. Today, tomorrow's a day away. "


Evangeline nodded and closed her eyes in limitless pleasure as John's tongue made gentle sweeps that ended at her breasts.  One hand cupped the small chocolate colored mound while his mouth played devilishly with the other. She felt her nipples pucker beyond their limitations and cried out as he suckled and nipped her into a delicate frenzy.


You make me feel like a sticky pistol


Leaning into a stamen


You make me feel like Mr.  Sunshine


Himself


"Let me worship you Evangeline. Let me show you what I couldn't always tell you but felt for you for months. "


You make me feel like splendor in the grass


While we're rollin'


Damn skippy baby


You make me feel like the Amazon's runnin'


 Between my thighs


John could feel the taut muscles in her thighs tighten and instinctually pull him as close to her center as he could get. His member had a mind of its own and was immediately drawn to her core like an arrow to a target. He had to breathe deeply in order to prolong his worship. He meant every word he said to Evangeline. Today was about her. And she would eventually learn that every day would be this way. She wanted to know how John loved. Well, he was afraid the knowledge of what she released in him would scare her to death. McBain men loved and loved hard.


He took his time, making sure to draw out her pleasure even as he prolonged his pain. Every movement and every groan from her sinfully luscious lips made him stiffer by the minute.  He kissed a trail down to her stomach, taking time to pay attention her navel, one of Evangeline's most sensitive spots. He could feel her love juices pouring from her like honey as she began to convulse. His tongue flickered over her naval.


"I love the way you look when you let go counselor."


Evangeline could not speak. She could barely move. Not having any control over her pleasure, his pleasure, it was overwhelming in the most beautiful way. She never felt so in control of herself when she had none at all. Trusting her partner with everything she had wasn't always easy but it was liberating. His rough hands dragged themselves down the length of her body and back up to rest on her thighs. The sight of his hands so pale against her darker skinned sent shivers up her spine. The contrast was beautiful. She had never wanted that for her life; never sought it out though many assumed because of who she had become that she did.  But to her, because it was him, it looked right and God only knew it felt right.


John traced over her thighs with his hands, staring from the outside and slowly working inch by painful inch in. He caught her gaze and smiled seductively.  "I like the way my hands look on your body," he said softly as he if he had heard Evangeline's previous thoughts. Evangeline rocked her hips as his fingers made small circles around the outside of her nether lips. He was a magician and she was all too happy to be his assistant. He assaulted her bud with one finger while another hooked itself inside of her core searching for her inner most secrets, coaxing them to come out with his skillful digits.


You make me feel love, love, love, love, love


Love, love, love, love, love


You make me feel love, love, love, love, love


Love, love, love, love


His slow and steady rhythm began to increase and Evangeline could feel the heat bubbling from inside. She never could understand where it came from but she could feel the sensation taking her body over as John pumped in and out. Up and down. Her head went back and forth as if she were possessed. She was almost to the edge of desperation. Her sensitive nub engorged to the point of combustion. She wanted him to stop so she could come and let him do it all over again. He never broke eye contact with her. He didn't need a map. He always knew where he was going, but his intensity was driving her over a brink she had never tumbled over before. Was this how it felt loving and being loved in return?


 She wanted to move her hands to make him stop the torture, but he anticipated her move.


"Don't even think about it. "


"John...please,' she managed to gasp.


You make me feel like a candy apple


All red and horny


 You make me feel like


 I wanna be a dumb blonde


In a centerfold, the girl next door


And I would open the door and


I'd be all wet


With my tits soaking through this


Tiny little t-shirt that I'm wearing


And you would open the door and tie


Me up to the bed


Evangeline cried out as she felt her lover's tongue dart in and out of her folds adding to the already unbearable stimulation.  Her eyes rolled in the back of her head and it seemed as if her death would be at her happiest moment. She felt the orgasm from her toes, so powerful it was.  And John was at the port of her pleasure-he himself at full mast but still focusing on her-where his mouth clamped on her like a man lost in the desert who had finally found the garden of Eden and all of its hidden treasures. Evangeline convulsed waiting for her orgasm to end, but it felt like forever. Even as John tried to milk her dry, she could still feel her juices exiting in mass. 


John removed her gridlocked legs from around his neck and spread them open.  Her body still reeling and her mind completely blown she could only watch him as he kneeled over her, his member so stiff, long, and thick that she was caught by surprise at how she felt the wetness between her legs pool again. At the end of the day, she still needed him to be inside of her, stretching her to the limits. The first time they made love she was shocked at how much the detective had been working with and noted that he did have big hands and long fingers. He always prepared her as best he could, and she definitely could not complain about the methods, but nothing compared to him pounding into her hot center and fulfilling wild and wanton fantasies she was only brave enough to have in her dreams.


You make me feel love, love, love, love, love


Love, love, love, love, love


You make me feel love, love, love, love, love


Love, love, love, love


He inched closer to her and placed his hands gently on the sides of her thighs, then intensity in his eyes even higher than before. "I love you. I may not say as much as you'll want me to, but woman, if you don't know how much by now then let me do it the best way I know how. Let me show you Van."


Lover, I don't know who I am


Am I Barry White? Am I hot inside?


Lover, I'm laced with your unconscious


Oh baby, babe, babe , babe


I will be your Desdemona


John plunged home as if he had been doing it his whole life. Evangeline's opening teased and more than ready, accepted his invasion with an immediate clamping around his engorged manhood. John let out a guttural groan as he felt Evangeline working her PC muscles as he begin a slow rhythm of pumping in and out of her dripping core. This was the only home he wanted, the only home he needed. He watched her facial expressions change with each movement and when he felt her body starting to quiver again he increased the speed adding a finger to her nub and his mouth back to worshiping her beautiful breasts.


Take your time


Evangeline never felt so close to being alive and on her way to death all at once. Her head moved from side to side. "John...please. Harder!"  She screamed as he began pounding into her flesh relentlessly, her head board knocking against the wall like an off the Richter quake looking for total destruction. Her body tensed for the final time and John called out her name and she felt hit ass clench and knew he was going tumble over in ecstasy with her. John's seed shot through Evangeline's center in heated squirts. John continued to rock into her, his pace slowing down to a gentle grind. Evangeline sighed loudly as she felt every remnant of John's orgasm coating her womb. He raised off her chest enough to work his upper body but still firmly planted within her luscious folds and lovingly removed her hands from the headboard bars and brought them around his neck.


Spent with the endless passion of a seemingly endless night, Evangeline and John thought about how they made each other feel.


You make me feel


Desired.


You make me feel


Needed.


You make me feel


Protected.


You make me feel loved


 

End Notes:

I love a review as much as I do a Jimmy Choo.

I Love You (Interlude) by Vita Consuelo
Author's Notes:

Since this story was so done long ago, anything after chapter four has just been me winging it. LOL. I never expected this to be anymore than those few chapters, but everytime I try to wrap it up little things just get in there and pull me back. Let's see where this all goes shall we?

The song for this chapter is I Love You from Sarah McLachlan's Surfacing album. It is one of the most beautiful songs ever. It's so simple but profound and to me that is an essential trait in JoVan's relationship. The outside forces were the complicated but what they had was simple and true. Enjoy.

Sunlight poured through Evangeline's bedroom windows casting intermittent shadows on the lovers entwined in bed, utterly spent from their morning activities. It was the sun beaming down on Evangeline's exposed calves that stirred her from the most peaceful sleep she'd had in a long time. She opened her eyes slowly, enjoying the comfortable weight of the detective on her body with her legs still wrapped around his torso. His head was nestled between her neck and collarbone and she marveled at the rise and falls of his strong muscular back and soon found herself following the rhythm of his breathing with her own.  His arms were resting lazily, but possessively, on either side of her. Even in sleep he always stuck his claim, even before this morning happened. The lawyer couldn't believe how obtuse she could be sometimes, why someone as smart as she could not always see what had been right in front of her eyes.

Her nether lips quivered instantly as she wriggled under her lover's frame to redistribute his weight a bit and his already semi-erect state, which was still burrowed deeply inside of Evangeline's slick folds. A pleasure filled grunt signaled John coming out of his unconscious state. "You feel so good," he murmured as he tightened his sideways hold on Evangeline. His eyes were still closed but his body was already moving on its own in gentle strokes. He found the sweet spot on Evangeline's neck and used his tongue and lips to tease out the orgasm as he continued rocking her softly into nirvana. It was meant to be short and sweet. John wasted no time in coming soon after. Without breaking the connection Evangeline rolled over so that she was on top of John.

Their eyes met and Evangeline felt the events of the past few hours settle into her heart. This was real. John and Evangeline were real. She almost felt like a schoolgirl who would sit at her desk writing out her crush's name over and over in her notebook. That's how giddy she was.  It almost seemed to be good too be true to be this happy; specifically that she was allowing her happiness to be attached to another person. It was scary but here he was, still buried deep inside of her, the intensity of his love for her burning into her soul from those beautiful eyes. She had taken the leap long ago, but in this moment, it felt like this was the point of no return. 

Suddenly remembering John's earlier request, she opened her mouth to happily oblige him but what came out was something entirely different and years later when they were well into the latter years of their marriage, John would still remember it as one of the most touching and humbling moment of his life.

"I have a smile, stretched from ear to ear. To see you walking down the road," Evangeline began crooning softly, her beautiful voice already conveying the depth of her emotions. John was immediatey captivated.

"We meet at the lights, I stare for a while. The world around disappears. Just you and me, on this island of hope; a breath between us could be miles. Let me surround you, my sea to your shore. Let me be the calm you seek. Oh and every time I'm close to you, there's too much I can't say. And you just walk away. And I forgot to tell you: I love you. And the night's too long. And cold here without you. I grieve in my condition for I cannot find the strength to say I need you so."

Evangeline could feel her throat starting to close as she watched the tears well in John's eyes and trickle down his cheeks. She didn't know what came over her, but she for some reason she needed him to understand that she understood him more than he thought. That she had felt those things too, even as she accused him of not feeling...not loving her. It was the revelation of his past reconciled with his present that forced Evangeline to admit that she needed to make her own amends with him. To practice what she preached. If she had to sing out her feelings like a fool, then so be it. It wasn't the first time she had put herself out there in song and it would not be the last. It would become "their thing."

There was a silence that hung in the air both waiting for the other to say something.  John pulled his face into his hands.

"That was beautiful." 

Suddenly feeling bashful her cheeks reddened underneath her brown overtones. "Thank you. I...didn't forget."

John shook his head. "No," he agreed. He brought his lips to hers and slipped his tongue inside of her mouth sucking on her bottom lip. "Promise me you'll sing for me every night," he demanded against her lips.

Evangeline laughed at the double entendre. "Very cute McBain. Only if you sing right back."

John paused and pulled away for her, his eyebrow slightly raised in amusement. "Oh, you don't want me to do that. You'll never let me touch you again."

"I don't know detective, you sound just right when you have my name on your lips," Evangeline countered, enjoying the fact they had always moved fluidly from one mood to the next.

"I love you, Vangie."

The attorney rolled her eyes at the childhood nickname but smiled brilliantly at the words she would never tire of hearing from him. "I love you Johnny Mac." Evangeline finally released herself from John and almost changed her mind at the way his manhood slid deliciously from her center. But she was hungry and if they were going to be doing this for the rest of the day they were going to need some energy.

John tried not to be disappointed at the sudden loss when she hopped off the bed. They would have forever to make love. He would make sure of that. But his stomach was growling and he was pretty sure he could convince Van to feed him one of her soul food breakfasts. It was only a little after two in the afternoon, he had all day.

"Let's get clean," she said as she dragged him from her bed.

John eyed her beautiful nude body and took her hand as they walked into the bathroom. "You mean let's get dirty."

The door shut on Evangeline's laughter.

 

End Notes:

I guess the fact that 940 plus views have been made in such a short time on this story should suffice my thirst for feedback. But it doesn't! Here's an extra clue...please review:-)

Dancin' In The Moonlight (Or In The LPD) by Vita Consuelo
Author's Notes:

Sorry for the long wait, but life has been uber busy. I'm loving the support though. Thanks to the reviewers and the lurkers. There are a lot of lurkers! LOL. 

 

So just wanna explain a little bit about the timeline. There are some things I moved around for the sake of the story line and also because I feel that this should have been the natural progression of things during JoVan in 05. 

 

As usual, I own nothing but this story. If I did, OLTL would so not be cancelled. Sad that's it's almost over and it's still edning on a bad not from what I've heard. SMH.

 

Also, this song is pretty popular. Dancin' In The Moonlight is one of my happy jams. I love the Toploader version from A Walk To Remember but in this story I'm going with the original.

 

Enjoy!

Tomorrow eventually turned into today and John and Evangeline were grudgingly facing the music that reality was reclaiming the lovers. The only upside to their rude awakening, besides the newly cemented commitment, was the fact that they spent the entire day rechristening the whole of Evangeline's condo including a tryst on top of a heavy duty spin cycle. John knew he would never complain about the way Van did laundry. Ever.

They were adults, however. Adults who had bigger responsibilities to the citizens of Llanview than most and both were capable of prioritizing. With the promise of having lunch together since Evangeline would be at the station speaking with a client, John got down to the business of being  an LPD  detective and spent the morning catching up on his cases.

Having asked not be to disturbed for a couple of hours unless of an emergency, the detective was so engrossed in a report, he almost missed the vibration of his phone ringing on his desk. Absentmindedly, he grabbed the device and shifted focus long enough to screen the call. With a small smile he watched "MOM" pop up in flashing green caps. She always had a sixth sense for calling whenever something major was going on his life. She claimed it a divine gift that all Irish mothers were given.

"Hey Ma," he greeted almost cheerfully and it didn't escape his mother's attention.

"Well!" Eve McBain said in a dramatic gasp, "John Kilpatrick McBain, answerin' his phone in a brilliant mood. Did you steal the soda bread I made for your brother again?"

John grinned and began fiddling with the pen in his hand. He missed his mother's voice sometimes. It was a mixture of a very stereotypical Jersey accent and being the daughter of Irish immigrant parents who instilled in her to never forget her Celtic roots. Her voice had a bit of a lilt now that she spent summers in Ireland with relatives. He needed to get home more. He missed her. But like anything he had come to love, he learned to hold her at arm's length.

"Of course," he answered seriously. "I finished mine first. Everything okay up there?"

Eve McBain laughed heartily. Even after years of tragedy in her life, John thought her laugh was the one thing that never showed the signs. "Everything is fine, just fine. Though, you would know that more if you came home to visit your poor mother more than four times a year."

John rolled his eyes at the scolding. He knew it wouldn't be long before heard that guilt trip in full. "And you better keep those eyes firmly in place. There is no excuse for a man who lives but an hour and a half away not to visit more often."

"I'm sorry Mom. Things have been kind of crazy lately. There's a lot going on with work and stuff but you know I make it home when I can."

"Uh-huh. Stuff being that lovely lady lawyer you've been keeping hours with? How is Evangeline dear? I hope she enjoyed the gift I gave her as a belated birthday present. A birthday I had to hear about from your brother who already has his own fiancée to think about."

John silently cursed Michael for purposefully dropping tapes on his personal life to their mother and promised he would retaliate in some kind of way. "Yeah, well Michael has a big mouth. She loved the scarf and the embarrassing photos of me that she claims must have accidentally been at the bottom of the box. Are you and Mikey in on my humiliation together?"

Eve laughed once more and tsked. "Nonsense, dear! I would never do that to my favorite eldest son," she teased.  "You know, I like her very much. We've only met that one time when I had to come down and put your idiotic cousin in her place, but I liked what I saw. She comes from good stock as my grandfather would say. She's strong, intelligent, beautiful, and she must be as patient as Job to put up with your shenanigans. She sent me a lovely card last week for Thanksgiving with a hand written note thanking me for the gift. That's class right there."

John could not disagree with anything his mother said because Evangeline was class personified. He was also glad that Eve sincerely liked his woman. She had always been passive aggressive with some of his other girlfriends of the past, aside from Caitlin. And sometimes she was just aggressive. It was one of the reasons why he never introduced them to his mother unless he was serious, which happened less than a handful of times.

"So...things are good then, with Evangeline I mean," his mom finished.

John softened as he remembered the previous night (and morning) with Van in the throes of passion. He also said silent thanks that he hadn't lost her over his idiotic behavior, especially now that his mother was singing her praises. If she approved, he knew he was taking a step in the right direction "Everything is fine. We've...well..." he cleared his throat, "We've taken some big steps Mom. You'd be proud. I admitted that I was in love with her."

He thought the phrase would sound foreign when relaying it to someone else-even his mother-but he found that it wasn't. It was almost relief to be able to say it as a matter of fact and to someone as important as his mom. If you couldn't tell the person who changed your shitty diapers, who the hell could you tell?

"Oh I'm so happy for you son!" Eve exclaimed. "You deserve to have a good woman like that. And I'm proud of you, making moves in your life. I've been praying for you every day since you were born. God has protected you and blessed you. Don't forget that."

"I won't Ma. Thanks."

"Well, my two sons have grown up on me and have found their soul mates. Michael is on his way to alter soon and you'll not be too far behind, now that you've gotten yourself together. Oh, what about a double wedding? And the relatives could all come at once and save money!"

John stopped fiddling with his pen. "Ma, I didn't say anything about a wedding. Don't put words in my mouth and don't be saying anything about it either. That's for me and Evangeline to decide."

"I have no idea what you're on about John McBain. It was simply a suggestion. But I thought you've declared your love," Eve said feigning confusion fully aware her son would see right through the act.

"I said we love each other, I didn't say anything about ceremonies and relatives I haven't seen since my first communion. Go bother Michael if you want grandchildren. I'm sure he and Marcie will keep you up to your ears since all they do is-"

"Watch your mouth!" Eve warned. And she was serious. "The next time I see you I'll wash it out with soap in front of your girlfriend and then we'll see how tough you are."

John simply grunted, because he was kind of sure she wasn't completely bluffing.

"Now, I called with a purpose and you've got me off on a tangent. I wanted to invite you and Evangeline to Thanksgiving dinner.  All the Philly and Long Island relatives will be here and I thought it would be a great chance for you to introduce your lady to the family. No pressure, of course."

John sat back in his chair and sighed. He really didn't know if he wanted Evangeline to get thrown in the lion's den just yet. Not that his family were bad people, but he was afraid that they'd never let her go at the end of the night, and John was not someone who shared. They'd treat her as some type of novelty and tell her every embarrassing thing they knew about him and he'd wind up punching one of his cousins in the face.

"I don't know ma. Let me talk to Evangeline. She may have something going on with her family."

"Well, I spoke with her a few weeks ago, and she agreed to come if she hadn't strangled you yet from being such a pea brain."

John found himself frowning at the phone again.

"You spoke with Van? About me?"

"Oh calm down and don't get yourself all out of sorts. Michael gave her my number because she wanted to bounce some Christmas gift ideas off of me for you. The conversation led to holidays and families and I simply asked her if she would feel comfortable coming to a family gathering. She only said you were being an idiot because it was true. And she didn't elaborate. Not that she had to because I already know that you can be the smartest dolt at times. And I told her not to mention anything to you in case things were not...stable which, by the way, she sensibly agreed."

The detective could not find one fault in that entire explanation-reluctantly-so he had no choice but to let it go. That and his mother would box his ears if he didn't.

"Fine, you win. We'll be there. But you make sure you put her between me and you. I'm serious ma. Especially if that idiot Sean is going to be around. "

Eve simply agreed as if it were already done and began her farewells. "Well, I love you son. I'm glad you're in a better place and that you've found love. You've accomplished so much. Your father would be proud of you. I hope you know that. "

He had always wondered what his old man would say about the choices he made in his life. Not all were good, but he worked hard to do right by his family and by the people he served. Now he was trying to do right for himself. It was a balancing act he never managed well, but was hoping to change. "I hope so mom."

"He is. He's probably up there right now with Mary Brenna plotting on a divine intervention." Mother and son laughed at the thought and then there was a moment of silence. A quiet reflection on what was one a full and happy home. "You know, your father used to say to me all the time that the person who you fell for one day would have you going in circles without having to try. I see it in your girl. She makes you crazy."

"Yeah. And then some," John agreed. "Just don't tell her I said that."

"Your secret is safe with me. I have to go. I love you my dear and please behave.  I'll be expecting a visit before the holidays."

John promised to visit his mother over the weekend and gave her his love and hung up his thoughts returning work. The sooner he got his paperwork finished the quicker he could back to learning how to live again.

**********

"...You are a liar! That is not what happened, Van. You know. Don't let the badge be fool you. Underneath, lies a man who is ruthless."

"It's the eyes...they're misleading," John quipped, giving the man sitting across from him a warning with those very same misleading eyes.

His detractor wasn't worried and simply gave him the finger, hidden discreetly from the woman sitting next to him, of course. "Yeah, I was talking to Evangeline bro. Anyway, I was five and afraid of the basement. I never would have gone looking for the Christmas presents down there even if I knew that's where Ma hid them. He was the one who told me and said he could show me what I got if I gave him two of my comic books.  And he told me if I ever told anyone the bogeyman would come and eat me for betraying the brotherhood oath of loyalty. "

John shrugged. "Mikey was never good at covering his tracks that's all. Didn't wanna see him with no Christmas while we all sat around getting ours. That's love right there."

"Whatever, I still have a ringing in my ears to this day from being walloped by Ma."

"Aw...let me kiss it for you, baby. Where does it hurt?"

Dr. Michael McBain grinned and pointed to his lips as his fiancée leaned over and gave him a lusty peck on the lips.

Evangeline laughed as John pretended to be disgusted. "Why do I get the feeling that this story had nothing to do with outing your brother and everything to do with you getting lovin' from Marcie?"

Michael winked at Marcie Walsh whose cheeks turned tomato red and big, expressive eyes went wide even as she chuckled. She looked utterly delectable in that moment. ‘What can I say? Being the victim has its perks."

The elder brother snorted, "Scamming women into kissing him is pretty much the only way he can get play."

The petite writer frowned at John, then at Michael. "Yeah, well there better be one woman in the singular he's scamming or he's going to have problems in the plural."

The doctor took his lady's hand and brought to his lips for a kiss. "All I desire is packed into five feet two inches of perfection, my love."

Marcie melted at the words as John threw the Eagles football on his desk at his brother and told them to get a room that wasn't his office.

The two men began playful banter while their ladies laughed and gave each other their typical, "boys will be boys" look and watched with mirth. It seemed happiness had finally come to the Brothers McBain and there weren't two people in the world that deserved it more.

There was nothing Evangeline liked seeing more than John when he was in his relaxed state and hanging with his brother. Michael McBain was the night to John's day. A few inches taller with adorable puppy eyes and a big heart, his laid back nature and life-is-too-short-to-not-live-it philosophy often had the men on opposing sides of an issue. But it was also evident that they would walk through fire and slay dragons for one another if necessary. With Michael, it was one of the rare occasions he was able to let go of the baggage and simply be John. Not the detective, eldest son of the murdered police officer and sister, or Llanview's resident tortured soul, but simply John. It  gave him a bit of humanity at times when Evangeline had thought he was a machine on auto pilot.

As for John, he too was thinking along the lines of his family. Lunch with Evangeline had turned into lunch with his brother and his fiancée when Evangeline had called to say that she had run into them while picking up their food at Rodi's and wanted to invite them for an impromptu get together. John wouldn't have minded spending his break alone with his woman but he was equally glad that she and Michael had always had a friendly and easy going relationship. In fact, Michael normally took her side when it came to John being a dickhead. It was both annoying and assuring. And Marcie and Evangeline had grown close with one another since they'd been brave enough to attach themselves to the Brothers McBain. He knew for a fact that Evangeline had taken a shine to Marcie and saw her as her other little sister. And Marcie adored Van. It was good to know that they would always have her back as much as they had his.

They had been fifteen minutes into lunch when the childhood stories started and John groaned because Mikey was his partner in crime through almost everything as children. Not only did he know where the bodies were buried, he knew how they got there to begin with.

But John loved to watch his woman's reaction as she took in the new information about him. Even though he never liked the spotlight on him under any circumstances, he knew how much it meant to her, being let into his small circle and knowing the insignificant details only a loved one would know. "Unraveling the mystery that is Johnny Mac", she had teased earlier while they were making plates. Sometimes she would laugh, other times her mouth would form a perfect "O" in awe of disbelief at the scrapes they got in and barely managed to get out of unharmed. As Mikey revealed pieces of John's past-the happier times-she would look at him while he sat at his desk trying to ignore the tell all and give him her a sultry smile. The one that said, "I'm gonna destroy you when we get home."

That type of destruction, John liked. And that made the trip down memory lane well worth the torture.

A comfortable silence fell over the room as everyone began eating again and then Michael, after taking a sip of his drink Michael told John that their mother had called him earlier in the morning.

John nodded. "She called me too. What'd she call you about?"

Michael gave John a look. "For some reason she was under the impression that Marcie and I were about to give her a gaggle of grandchildren. You wouldn't happen to know anything about that, huh?"

Tilting his head slightly, John gave a perplexed look, his eyes giving nothing away. "Absolutely nothing." His brow went up a notch. "But she said you were the one who told her Evangeline wanted to see my baby pictures."

To be fair, Michael did try his best to look indignant at the thought. "Sorry man. That was all Ma.  I only told her which ones Van might want to see."

"Like the one with my naked ass running around like an idiot in the backyard with nothing but a cowboy hat?"

Both Michael and Evangeline snorted which made them laugh even harder. Michael put up his hand trying to stop himself from falling over. "I-I..." he tried to speak but he couldn't even manage that small feat.

Marcie tried to be diplomatic. "Now that's not very nice Michael. You wouldn't like it if someone did that to you."

John reached out to give Marcie a fist bump. "Thank you Marcie. At least someone cares about my invasion of privacy."

Michael shrugged. "I'm not ashamed. All of my pictures showcase my manliness even at the wee age of three. I was the hottest baby on the block. Mom even said so. I had a cute butt then and I've been told I have one now."

Evangeline let out a small whoop. "Now, Marce, you can't argue with that!"

John glared at his girlfriend playfully. "You think it's funny? Where's the loyalty?"

"Oh goodness," she said trying to calm herself down as she wiped away a tear.  "Babe, I'm on your side. It's just...the thought of you breaking the law with indecent exposure! You have to see the humor in that."

"We were on private property."

"Semantics." Evangeline leaned over and gave John a quick kiss on the mouth. "But I'll make it up to you later," she said in a sultry tone that guaranteed it was a promise she meant to keep.

John's eyes immediately went darker and he could feel his underwear getting tighter at the possibilities that came with the evening. "I'm holding you to that."

Michael and Marcie smiled and gave a heated look of their own to one another, but Marcie was the first to break the gaze. "So, Evangeline, will you be coming to Thanksgiving dinner? It'll be nice to have someone there besides the McBain brothers that I actually know. We can be each other's reinforcement."

Evangeline glanced at John and shrugged. "Well, we haven't discussed it, though I forgot a few weeks ago I spoke with Eve and she gave me an invite."

John decided to play ignorant, though he was secretly pleased that she offered the information herself. "Oh yeah? And what did you guys talk about? Did she try to fill your head with exaggerated stories of my childhood?"

"That is none of your business. It was girl talk and that's all you have to know McBain," she countered with an innocent smile. "But I will say that I'm not going home for Thanksgiving because my mother has decided not to cook and visit her mother's family instead."

"Well, then that's settled," John said as he took a swig of his drink. "Van's coming with us."

Evangeline laughed. "Well don't be too excited about it. You don't want me to meet your family McBain?"

Before the detective could answer, Mikey chimed in. "He's afraid that once you get there and everyone drops tapes on him, you'll see how uncool and unmanly he really is. He may have you fooled being some hotshot suave detective but, like I said before, Johnny ain't no mac."

Michael laughed at his stupid pun while Marcie rolled her eyes.

"Your brother is going to kill you. So shut up before you wind up ruining the wedding photos with you in a body cast. And I will never forgive you if you ruin my wedding day Michael McBain. And speaking of the wedding, since we're all here..."

"Nice save," John saluted.

Marcie smiled prettily and turned her attention to Evangeline. "You know since you and John started dating, we've become a lot closer and I'd like to think we've become good friends even. You've been in my corner a lot Van and...well when I came to Llanview I thought I had a best friend who would always be one and that didn't work out so much."

Marcie paused for a moment as if her mind travelled off to another place in time and Evangeline's heart swelled. She knew a little bit about Marcie's background from what the lovely young lady had told her: being the deceased Jennifer Rappaport's henchman and her first love with Al, who had also passed away. She had talked to her about her issues with her body and how she had stooped so low just so that she could fit in with anyone, even if it meant hurting other people.  Marcie Walsh wasn't considered beautiful like Jessica Buchanan or a sexy spitfire like her sister Natalie Vega. When they were all in college together and the young women had men fawning over them left and right "chubby" little invisible bookworm Marcie stood back afar and longed for that attention.  Scheming with Jen Rappaport was supposed to be a way for her to gain popularity but for every dark deed Marcie co-conspired with Jen, the more she became unlikable to herself and those around her. And that was not the real Marcie Elizabeth Walsh. She was known in her own hometown for being kind and generous. No one had ever had a bad thing to say about her.

Thankfully, Marcie had grown up and finally learned to be her own person and recognize her self-worth instead of relying on others to do it for her. A newly restored buoyant and confident Marcie met Al Holden who was a troubled kid with a troubled past and a drug problem. He was Marcie's first and only love and it was because of her love that Al got through his problems and he fell hard for her. But just as they were busy making plans for the future, Al found out he had a terminal illness. He fought it all the way until the very end, leaving behind a brokenhearted Marcie.

Evangeline admired how Marcie was able to pick herself up and move on even as she felt like dying. After all, she thought she had found her soul mate and there was no chance in hell that she would ever love or be loved like that again, she had once told Van. And then she meant the cocky and insufferable first year resident Dr. Michael McBain and their initial love/hate relationship had somehow lost the latter emotion along the way.  Michael became her soulmate and the love of her life. She shared with Van that she felt that Al had personally sent him to her at the right time in her life.  

So yes, Evangeline loved the bubbly and chatty Marcie Walsh. The girl had a set of pipes on her that were out of this world and they had bonded over their love of music and theatre. She was a little high strung at times, but it was never annoyingly so and always endearing. She was also intelligent and a good friend. Michael was the perfect balance for her. He was funny, charming, and laid back. As far as Evangeline was concerned Marcie was beautiful both inside and out. Her face was a flawless peaches and cream complexion with gorgeous saucer like eyes the color of jade. Her hair-always short to accentuate her round face-was a pretty shade of toffee. The pair looked perfect together.

Both women snapped out of their silent reveries when John cleared his throat.

Marcie shook her head and laughed.  "Sorry! I think we both had a shared moment of reflection. I've never had that happen before outside of Michael," she exclaimed.

Of course, that statement made her blush and Michael grin from ear to ear.

"But what I was trying to say is that I really appreciate you and your sincerity in our friendship. You've been like a sister to me, helping me with the wedding, listening to my thoughts, putting up with me in head case mode. I'm just so glad that you and John are together because it gives me hope that one day you'll become my sister in reality."

Evangeline could not help but tear up at that. She reached over the desk and grabbed Marcie's hand tightly and gave it a squeeze. "Oh Marcie. I feel the same way. I feel like you're my second little sister. You've come to mean a lot to me. No matter what happens, we'll always be friends. You're lovely and I'm so happy for you and Michael. You're going to be a lovely bride and I'll be at that church to witness it all."

Marcie couldn't hold back her tears. "Not from the sidelines, I hope. Michael and I had talked about it earlier and it seems right to ask you right now with the four of us kind of being family now. We would be honored if you not only sang at the wedding, but if you would become my maid of honor."

Evangeline gasped. She looked back and forth from John to Michael to Marcie and back to John once more. He gave her one of his sexy half smiles and winked.  She had no idea that they thought of her as that kind of family; not when up until a day ago, she wasn't even sure where she stood with John. She hadn't even been able to tell her or even Nora about the new developments since everything happened. She was kind of being selfish and enjoying the new found intimacy between them and wasn't ready to blab it to her girls yet.  But still, Marcie and Michael knew the gist of the issues she and John were having and while they were supportive she never thought for once they would see her as one of them, even if she was dating Michael's brother.

Not sure of what Evangeline's reaction meant, Marcie rambled on. "Now, I know that's a lot to ask and if Nora and Daniel keep things going the way they are, you'll be maid of honor at her wedding as well I'm sure, but...you've been helping me with the planning and you have great taste. And you always tell me I deserve the best and that is you; someone who has known me for a small amount of the time compared to the people in Llanview but has been the most supportive and kindest woman I've ever met. Please stand next to me on one of the happiest days of my life."

"We mean it Van," Michael chimed in. "Even though my brother is an idiot, you've really been there for us all in your own way. And you make my woman happy as a clam knowing she has a real friend. And when Marcie is happy, so am I. You've been a sounding board for me as well. And I know if I ever needed you for anything you'd be there in a heartbeat."

Evangeline shook her head in disbelief. "Well, I don't really know what to say."

"That's a first," John said shifting in his chair uncomfortably, hoping to inject some light emotion in the Lifetime moment. Women, tears, and emotions all in the same room was a little out of his comfort zone. And Van would kick his ass if she heard him say that even if she knew it was true.

"Shut up," Evangeline said through her sniffles. She stood up and came over to Marcie. "I'd be even more honored to be your maid of honor.  Thank you, Marce. Movie hug?"

"Absolutely," Marcie replied laughing at their inside joke. They had spent a weekend watching chick flicks while boys went to a football game and made fun of the way characters in movies gave melodramatic hugs at the end of movies. She hugged Van tightly.

John rolled his eyes as he saw his brother's eyes well up at the sight of their girlfriends sharing a bonding moment. It wasn't too hypocritical since he knew how to keep his own euphoria under wraps. He had to in order to be able to tease Michael endlessly. "Ladies, I think Michaela here wants to join in the love fest. He needs a hanky too."

Laughter filled the room as the women dispersed and returned to their seats. The mood between the four people had shifted in that very moment and everyone could feel it. Marcie and Michael had no idea what had occurred between John and Evangeline just hours ago and each would speak to their corresponding buddy in due time, but the couple had noticed together and separately that there was indeed something different about John.  The moment had be confirmed when he raised a glass in the air and toasted too family while looking tenderly at Evangeline.

"To family!" they shouted in unison and began the easy banter again.

"Oh!" Marcie exclaimed, "I love this song. Turn it up a little please?" John's portable radio had been on a low buzz giving the lunch date a relaxed vibe. He complied and recognized the song.

Michael sucked in his breath as he heard the familiar beat and shared a bittersweet look with his brother. It was Brenna's favorite song and her outlook on life. They smiled knowingly and watched as Evangeline and Marcie started bouncing to the rhythm in their chairs singing beautifully as always.

We like our fun and we never fight

You can't dance and stay uptight

It's a supernatural delight

Everybody was dancing in the moonlight

We get everybody here is out of sight

They don't bark and they don't bite

They keep things loose they keep it tight

Everybody's dancing in the moonlight

Michael laughed as the Van and Marcie rocked out with their plastic spoons cum microphones and joined in with an air guitar on the chorus.

Dancing in the moonlight

Everybody's feeling warm and bright

It's such a fine and natural sight

Everybody's dancing in the moonlight

John watched, still firmly planted in his chair because someone had to remain the adult in the room, especially since his girlfriend has abandoned her sophistication to battle Michael's dorky air guitar. But even he couldn't resist bopping his head to the familiar melody and he couldn't help but think that maybe Mary Brenna was sending her own sign of approval in some weird way since he rarely ever heard this song being played on the radio.

It was comforting and even reassuring.

The wannabe rock group started dancing with Michael twirling the two women around, cracking up as they bumped into chairs. John shook his head as he saw his lover approaching him with a mischievous grin and beckoning finger. Marcie and Michael were swaying from side to side, so John knew where Van was headed.

"This is a place of solemnity, you know."

Van rolled her eyes. "Oh lighten up, one little dance! The door is closed. No one will ever know that you danced to a top 40 oldie. Until I tell Nora and Bo," she added jokingly.

The detective could not resist a chance to hold onto her persuasive hips even if it had to be PG. He grabbed her outstretched hand. "Nothing fancy," he warned as she led him to an open space on the floor.

"Right."

They began to sway gently to the beat and Michael let out a dramatic gasp in disbelief as he dipped Marcie. "Doth my eyes deceive me? Is that John "I Don't Dance" McBain? Vange, you got the magic touch for sure!"

The two couples traded barbs with one another and for the first time in a long time, John McBain felt happy and guilt free. It felt good to feel something other than the self-imposed monotony of work, sleepless nights, and remorse. 

And the woman in his arms had a lot to do with it and he would always be grateful. "I love you," he said softly in her neck.

Van pulled out of his grasp slightly and kissed him gently on the mouth, her smile lighting up the poorly lit office. "I love you too."

We get it on most every night

And when that moon is big and bright

It's a supernatural delight

Everybody's dancing in the moonlight

 

Dancing in the moonlight

Everybody's feeling warm and bright

It's such a fine and natural sight

Everybody's dancing in the moonlight

Outside of the detective's office, a figure backed away from the tiny crack in the door with tears streaming.

End Notes:

Before you head to the loo, take a minute to Review!

Interlude by Vita Consuelo
Author's Notes:

I own nothing and as usual, I'm canon but with a few changes here and there. 

Lunch with the McBain brothers had been fun and easy, Evangeline thought as she shut the door to John's office to head back to her own. Everything seemed less tense now that she and John had settled some of their issues. She knew things were nowhere near perfect and knowing her boyfriend, he would regress a few times into his former silent soliloquy about his demons before he really let go. They had made progress and that was the most important thing for the lawyer. She needed to know that things would always move forward even if they did take a few steps back here and there.

Evangeline bid a few greetings to some of the officers she was familiar with as she made her way into the lobby of the LPD police department. Police Commissioner Bo Buchanan was at the front desk talking with a fellow officer when he spotted Evangeline and gave her a friendly smile and a signal to wait a second.

Since Evangeline was her own boss, she didn't mind being a few minutes late back to the office. Even as she was ready to nod in acknowledgement, he had quickly finished talking with his subordinate and headed over to her with that classic Buchanan grin; still full of Texas grit and southern charm even in the middle of Pennsylvania.

"Evangeline, just the person I wanted to see." Bo said as he gave her a warm hug.

Van laughed as she broke away from the friendly embrace. "Ahh, that hug comes attached with a favor."

"Damn lawyers, think they know everything." Bo quipped grudgingly.

Van didn't need her legal skills to know that she was about to be asked for a favor. She and Bo were on very good terms and they considered one another more than associates even though he and John teased her endlessly that they locked people up only so she could get them out. But Bo was the commissioner and while not as formal as most people were with his title, he was no hugger during business hours either.

Bo jerked his head toward his office and Van nodded as she made way into the commissioner's private workspace. She took a seat as he came in and shut the door behind him.

Sitting down at his desk he grinned, Van noticed with a bit of twinkle in his eye. "First, John will probably not be speaking to you for a few days."

Evangeline scrunched her brows in confusion. "And why is that?"

"Because the whole office will have razzed him about his awful dancing, though the fact that you got him to do it at all on a work day, while on the job, with the risk of getting caught is testament to your charm and fearlessness. So on that I salute you."

Evangeline could only laugh. She figured the length of her punishment for the crime would depend on who saw what. "Well, thank you, I think. And the second thing?"

Bo's smile disappeared. He leaned forward toward his desk and folded his hands together as if he were trying to find a way to choose his next words carefully.

"I saw Natalie outside of John's office while you, Michael and Marcie were there for lunch. I don't know if she was eavesdropping or if she was just there coincidentally. She looked upset and she was crying."

There was an awkward pause for a moment as both understood that Natalie Vega's named being mentioned could stir up rather strong feelings in Evangeline.

Still, Van was a mature and intelligent woman-not to mention compassionate-and the first thoughts that ran through her mind was exactly what she voiced to Bo as he waited for her to say something.

"Was she okay? Everything is good with Cristian right?"

Bo nodded. "I assume so. If you mean has he had any setbacks, not that I have observed. But then again, being away from your family and separated from your wife no more than a few hours after getting married with everyone thinking you're dead, I'm sure it's not easy."

Evangeline agreed. Cristian Vega has been through a lot. More than most human beings would be le to handle. But Cris was not most people. He did have incredible inner strength as he managed to stay away from the gangs and violence that was accustomed to many Angel Square residents in Llanview. Even his older brother, Antonio, had succumbed to the pressure briefly before choosing to aid the law in the end.

Cris was on the verge of becoming one of Llanview's most successful up and coming artists before he was believed to have been murdered while he and Natalie were helping John with a case. They had not even been wed for a full six hours before it happened. That was how Natalie and John had become close in the first place.

But that was all in the past and Cristian was back now. Natalie always said she felt cheated and here she was with a second chance and reunited her first love. "Well, they have each other to lean on now and that's what's most important."

Bo said nothing.

"Okay, so I assume your fine observation skills are seeing things differently and the only reason you would care to talk to me about this is because you think John will somehow become entangled."

"Look," Bo began, "Don't take what I am about to say the wrong way. I love my niece. She is a Buchanan. But I have to admit that my love for her comes out of a sense of duty and obligation. Jessica was born and raised a Buchanan and that doesn't change anything, I don't care what the DNA test says. I watched that little girl grow up into a beautiful young woman who has overcome so much. She is and always will be the niece of my heart."

Evangeline shrugged at his words. "I understand that. Like you said, Natalie is still somewhat relatively new to your family and considering how she got here, I can understand that there would be some bonding issues, but I know you love her nonetheless and would protect her as much as you would Jessica. I don't think that makes you a bad person Bo. At least you're honest about it and you're trying to resolve those feelings. I know you make the effort. You got her the job here after all."

Bo grunted and gave Evangeline one of his soul-searching stares. "And yet, here I am about to prove you wrong by throwing my loyalty in your corner as opposed to my niece."

"And you would be doing that because...?"

"Because I like and admire you very much Evangeline. You have proven your loyalty to many of my friends here in Llanview, though I know we got off to a bit of a rough start when you represented that bastard Mitch Lawrence. Aside from the fact that you are a very intelligent and beautiful woman, you're also a good person. How you can manage to be friends with Nora, Todd Manning, and a host of other people who have conflicting interests in this town without ever betraying any of them, is a mystery to me."

Evangeline rolled her eyes at the compliment but nodded her head in appreciation of his praise. "Thank you, Bo. I appreciate you saying that. It means a lot to me." And she meant that. Bo was a standup guy and he didn't offer a glowing report to just anyone.

"Good," Bo replied. "So trust me when I say that you need to watch out for Natalie. I don't doubt that she loves Cristian. But she has spent the last year or two chasing hopelessly after McBain. I don't think her feelings for him are completely resolved."

Evangeline sighed. It would always come back to this moment wouldn't it? With John unwittingly stuck in the middle of these two women, it seemed that this was an issue that would never go away as long as they all cohabitated in the same town.

"She may have chased him but John hasn't always done a good job of making his intentions clear when it comes to her; for his own reasons obviously. But telling me isn't going to stop Natalie from doing whatever she wants to do whether it's right or wrong," Evangeline pointed out.

"Yes. That's true. But John has moved on and I'd say he's found the right person for him. There are some things that my niece is still lacking that I think would be a major requirement for someone with his...temperament."

"Ooh...I'm telling John that you said he was emotionally high maintenance!" Evangeline joked. Bo threw his head back and laughed.

Regaining his composure, he returned to the matter at hand. "Look, I know he cares for you a lot. And I just want you both to be on guard."

Evangeline's elegant brow rose in a very Philadelphia Hell-to-the-no fashion. "So, what, you want me to relay the message to John about the possibility of Natalie's emotional imbalance? I won't. John is a big boy Bo. He can handle himself and whatever he wants will be exactly what he gets in the long run. Seeing as though they work for the LPD, I'm sure time will tell sooner or later where the situation stands. Because if your intuition is correct, and I will assume that it is, it won't be long before she makes a move. That is her way. "

There was a silence for a moment then the Commissioner smiled, his head cocked to the side and his weathered blue eyes twinkling again and declared, "I think my niece underestimates you."

"Oh really?" the lawyer asked with a grin. "Well, generally, I like it when people underestimate me. It makes my victories that much sweeter. But one thing I don't fight over is men. That is beneath me."

"I believe that about you. But I think she sees you as a woman of privilege who has an affinity for the finer things in life. You had an existence she did not have growing up. Maybe you weren't rich, but you had parents who put you first and made sure you got what you needed to be successful. She had to grow up fast and raise herself. She's never had it easy.  You're the complete opposite of her. I think she sees John as a kindred spirit."

Evangeline brushed that particular sentiment off with a hand. "And yet, she got the luck of the draw. She's a Buchanan now and despite her humble beginnings her life has changed for the better. No one cares what she was-all that matters is what she is now and her DNA will make it hard for her to use that excuse. Doors are opened for her that still will never be opened for me, no matter how hard I've worked to become the person I am today, which is fine.  That only makes me work harder.

"And yes, John is a simple man who prefers beer over fancy wines, but he also grew up in a stable and loving environment just as much as I did and family means everything to the both of us. We have far more in common with each other than he and Natalie. And, I'm not going to make apologies for liking the finer things in life as you put it. I was raised to be the best so I can have the best. I don't think preferring tennis over baseball or enjoying a filet mignon every now and then classifies as me as a snob. I didn't grow up with a silver spoon in my mouth either and I think it bothers Natalie that I can just as easily throw back a few beers and talk about the Eagles and enjoy a night at the Academy of Music. But everything I achieved, I worked for and my parents practically killed themselves to instill these things in me. Her last named changed and overnight she went from a scheming nobody to an heiress and only had to pay for a bus ticket to claim her new life. I'm not angry about it but her logic makes me fear for the future of your family, no offense."

Bo shook his head and grinned. "None taken. Either way, I just wanted to warn you. And to let you know that I'm here for you and John."

"Well I appreciate it Bo. John and I are in a pretty good place right now, but it's always nice to know our friends are supportive, though you know John could care less what anyone has to say about his personal business."

"Very true. Say, while I have you here, what do you think of Daniel Colson?"

Evangeline stared at Bo dumbly for a moment than burst out laughing causing the commissioner to turn a slight shade of red. "I didn't know it would be that funny."

The lawyer rolled her eyes still laughing. "Not subtle at all with the transition and I'm beginning to think that this heart to heart was just the appetizer to the main course, Comissioner!"

Bo grunted, straightening a tie that was not there. "I'll pretend not to be offended by that statement."

Evangeline snorted and held up her hands. "Fine. So, what do I think of Colson...professionally or personally? And why are you so interested either way?"

"Well, a little of both actually. He is the DA after all and I'm just trying to get a feel for who he is."

"Perhaps, because he's dating you ex-wife?" Evangeline pointed out with a smirk.

Bo began sifting through the mountain of papers on his desk. "Of course not. What and who Nora does is her business." The sound of ruffled papers held in abeyance as he met his friend's eyes solemnly. "Unless, of course, you think I need to make it my business."

There was no way in the world as a front row seat attendee to the craziest dance that was Bo and Nora, she could pass up an opportunity to tease Bo Buchanan. The opportunity almost never presented itself and if she was honest with herself, it was nice for a change not be the one romantically challenged.

"If you're asking me to share information that is strictly Best Friends Only confidential, then I'm afraid I have to state attorney-client privilege. But I can say that Nora seems to be content with Colson. He seems to adore her.  Not that it should matter to you because you have Paige right?"

Bo retrieved a piece of paper he had been hunting for and handed it Evangeline with a pen. "You can sign off on this while you're here and for the record, any man who is going to be hanging around my son has the honor of me getting real friendly with his personal affairs."

"Right," was all Evangeline said with a grin as she signed off on her hours logged in the cold case library for the month, "Well professionally speaking Colson seems to be a by-the-book fellow. No one in Philly ever complained about him."

"But..."

Evangeline sighed, not sure whether she was crossing the line as a best friend to Nora discussing her beau with her ex-husband. It was a tightrope, managing friendships since everyone in Llanview seemed to be related, employed, colleagues, or all three with everyone; especially the ubiquitous Buchanans. But there was also the tiny nugget of matchmaking cupid raging through her uncharacteristically romantic veins, no doubt a direct result of her own blossoming love life. A part of her wanted to see everyone as happy as she was and with their perfect mate. Evangeline didn't need to be a native Llanviewer to know Bo and Nora were soulmates no matter how many times they walked away from each other.

So Evangeline elaborated for love's sake.

"But there is something about him, underneath that straight-laced, solid ties only façade, that has you wondering what little skeletons are being weighed down by his All American Quarterback trophy."

Bo nodded slowly, his fingers rubbing his chin in thought. "Hmm.  I can agree with that. Seems a bit on the edge at times. The whole Cramer case comes to mind."

"But that could just be the stress of the job. Being the DA of Llanview only seems easy from Philly, until you realize just how complex this little town is and how much criminal activity goes on behind mansion doors."

"True...and if I voiced these, uh, professional concerns to Nora it could come across as-"

"Jealously petty?" Evangeline offered.

The commissioner glared at the beautiful lawyer and grunted as he saw the mischievous twinkle in her coal colored eyes. He slapped his hands on his desk and grunted. "We never had this conversation Williamson, but keep your eye out for me okay?" Bo's face softened. "I just want to make sure she's okay."

Evangeline nodded and made a move to stand when Bo held a hand up. "Wait, one second, I can give you a copy of those files you asked for the Stevenson case and you can sign those off while you're here. I'll be right back."

"Oooh, the commissioner playing the secretary for little ol' me," Evangeline joked.  "Thank you Bo. I appreciate it but take yor time as I'm not in a rush."

Bo headed for the door and closed it brusquely behind him.

A couple minutes had passed and Evangeline had her eyes closed envisioning her opening argument for Daniel Stevenson, an eighteen year old college student whom Evangeline believed was wrongfully accused of holding up a 7-11 one month ago. She knew they had a strong case to build on. The boy had not one violation against him, not even in his school records. As a young black man, however, and considering that this happened in not-so-friendly-to-minorities Blue Bell, a few towns over from Philly and Llanview, the odds could totally be stacked against him depending on the jury they received. She wasn't going to be playing loose with the boy's future. He had dreams of becoming a doctor and something like this could ruin his life forever. He didn't have a strong alibi, but she could and would work with everything she had. She promised that to him and the grandmother that raised him and saved every penny so he could attend the best schools. There was no way she could let them down by being careless and arrogant in her abilities.

Evangeline was just about to stretch when the door opened abruptly.

"Uncle Bo-I mean Commissioner-Anna told me to give you these..."

Evangeline turned her head slightly and put on her best professional smile as she watched Natalie Buchanan Vega's own falter at the sight of her.  Am I that bad? Evangeline laughed silently to herself as she took in the ginger's appearance. As usual, the child was dressed in completely inappropriate attire for such a setting. Her low cut olive sweater hugging her busty chest and curves paired with black skinny jeans was not necessarily the most offensive thing in the world, but it also reeked of unprofessionalism.

And because Natalie was never one to cover her emotions, she automatically rolled her eyes. "Sorry," she said unconvincingly with one hand on the door and a stack of filled to the brim manila folders.

Evangeline had a much better poker face, her pleasant demeanor never crumbling once though inside she was not so gracefully bitch slapping the hell out of the little twerp. "Hello Natalie. Bo just went to get something for me. He should be back any minute."

If looks could have killed, Van was sure she would be falling from William Penn's hat to her death. But she had to give the girl credit. She managed her give a short nod as she made her way to her Uncle's desk, unceremoniously dropping the files without even a hint of reorganizing the mess she made. Evangeline sighed, fighting the urge not to fix the desk knowing that Natalie would get snarky, and quite frankly she was in too good a mood to argue with the adolescent behavior of a brat stuck in a woman's body. The fact that she was aware that Natalie had spied on her and John was annoying but not completely unexpected. Still, she knew that girl was, as her sister would say, "in her bag." And she was waiting for the shoe to drop.

Natalie returned to the door, but instead of leaving she rested against the entrance, her arms folded. Evangeline continued to smile and begin examining her nails. She certainly wasn't going to offer up a conversation with the girl. It would be a waste of her maturity and knowing Natalie, she would not be able to help herself. She would open her trap to say something offensive at one point.

Van begin humming absentmindedly Dancing In The Moonlight, trying to decide what she should cook for dinner once at home. She was pretty sure McBain would be spending the rest of the week at her place and she wanted to do something domestic for a change.

She heard Natalie clear her throat.  "So, I saw Marcie and Michael in John's office today with you. I hope everything is alright."

Okay, brat! I see how you're going to play this one out, Evangeline thought.  Not bothering to look away from her nails she replied, "No. All is well." You're gonna have to work for your fish, honey.

"Oh."

There was silence and the impalpable tension that always proceeded over the two women whenever they were in close proximity to one another. Van honestly didn't take Natalie all that seriously.  From her side of things it wasn't that she ever felt threatened. There were just levels of annoyance mixed with the disappointment that she wasn't another woman's cup of tea over a man that was never the other female's to claim. She didn't like the idea of having to dislike someone because they didn't like her for such a trivial reason.  Van was a woman who believed in the power of female unity.

When she and John started their thing, Natalie was nowhere in the picture. Their "connection" had fizzled long before she came around. And whatever guilt she carried was solely for how she cheated on RJ with John. Yes, she and RJ Gannon were not in the best place at the time, but they were still involved and she had never cheated on a man before. Truthfully, there had never been the kind of tether binding, earth shattering chemistry in any of her relationships prior to that fateful night in Mary Barnes' basement. But, her impulsive behavior also put Nora in a tight spot because RJ was her ex brother-in-law whom she was still very fond of, despite his nefarious shenanigans on the other side of the law. She regretted that more than anything. So yes, she accepted the bitterness that came with a run in with RJ as her punishment for hurting his pride as a man and having a slutty moment. 

But as far as the hot mess standing to the side of her was concerned, she would not put up with the blatant disrespect. Ever. Natalie's current problem was that people didn't know how to tell her to have several seats when she wrote checks her behind couldn't cash and as a result she frequently had to be put in her place. Van was just the person for the job.

From her peripheral vision, she saw the girl roll her eyes in frustration but went on. "I guess they are gearing up to go to Mrs. McBain's for the holidays. I was there when John was working that Atlantic City bust.  Eve really made me feel like family; all of John's family, actually."

Evangeline couldn't help but laugh as she saw Natalie's triumphant grin and "Take that bitch" gleam in her evil little chipmunk eyes as she took a different approach.

"I'm sure you and Cristian felt very welcomed. It's nice to know that there are still people who are willing to take on another's troubles in a time of need. I'm sure you both not being with your family on a holiday weighed heavily on Eve's mind even though you were a complete stranger and especially since John got you involved in that case."

Van finally turned her head toward Natalie slightly and gave a wholesome smile for good measure. As Natalie's shit-eating grin turned a scowl, Evangeline went for the kill. "How is your husband by the way? Is Cristian feeling better?  Lindsay tells me he's painting again. He's doing a new portrait of you! I'm really glad to see his devotion to you hasn't faltered a bit despite your lengthy separation from each other. Your love seemed to be the only think he held on to for hope while Carlos Hesser held him captive. You're one lucky lady."

The red head flipped her hair, clearly stalling for yet another way to attack the attorney. "I know how lucky I am Evangeline. You don't have to tell me my husband loves me. He tells me every day. That's what happens when you're in a committed relationship with an emotionally available person. I don't have to force him to tell me anything because he's always willing."

Here we go.

"That's great Natalie. I'm glad you're finally getting the attention and affection you deserve from someone who truly loves you, flaws and all. Your self-esteem is grateful, I'm sure."

This time, Evangeline was the one to roll her eyes heavenward as she watched the poor girl let the insult sink in.

Natalie unfolded her arms, her face turning almost as red as her dye job. "You bitch!" she exploded pointing her finger at the lawyer's expressionless face. You think I'm the one with low self-esteem? You're the one hanging on to a man, waiting for him to tell you he loves you, while he's in my space every chance he gets. You are so fucking path-"

"Pause," Evangeline held her hand up, this time her body turned fully around but firmly planted in her chair. The one word was said so icily it caused Natalie to take a step back.

"You don't want it sweetie. You. Do. Not. Want. It. For even as that infantile mind begins the attempt to start the fuckery, I have already finished it, argued a case, put the laundry in and am snuggling comfortably in my bed for a good night's rest. It's done Natalie. And I suggest you accept it and let it percolate in that little bird brain of yours. Live your life out with your husband and grow the hell up because you are entering into adult territory and you're not ready for it. You can try to play chess with me all you want but I will checkmate your ass every time without lifting as so much as one finger you. So please, make your next move so I can shut it down."

Natalie's eyes begin to water and Evangeline could see the effort she was making not to break. "It will never last," she whispered.

"But why the hell do you care so much? You love your husband. That's your soulmate right?"

The other woman tried to interject but Evangeline held up her hand again. "Bye Natalie. You are so transparent; you make vodka look like a solid. Go straight to your default plan. Get your chest game on and cozy up to John with your sob story and ‘why not me?' rants. You're looking for rejection in the wrong place because I don't swing that way my dear." Evangeline turned back around in her chair and began reexamining her nails, clearly finished with the conversation.

The Commissioner chose that moment to make his presence known. His face giving nothing away, he cleared his throat as he passed his niece who was visibly upset and ready to commit murder.

Passing the promised files over to Evangeline, he stood in the middle of the two women.Looking from the red head to the brunette, Bo sighed. "Is everything alright here?" he asked damn well knowing it wasn't.

Evangeline shrugged nonchalantly and placed the files in her suitcase as if she had not a care in the world. "Everything is peachy." Gathering her things she rose regally, as if she were a queen coming off her throne and Bo had to admit she was all of that and more. "I've got to get back to the office. Thank you Commissioner."

Bo smiled at her warmly and gave her a wink for her eyes only. "No problem. Call me later. You, John, Paige and I should have a get together."

"I will."

Evangeline walked past the frozen girl without a glance and simply said, "Natalie," then shut the door softly behind her.

End Notes:

As Scooby Snacks are loved by Scooby Doo, I love more my chapter reviews.

Fake Plastic Trees by Vita Consuelo
Author's Notes:

Wow, I can't believe that I've had this chapter finished since early last year and (actually the whole story) and am just posting it now. My only defense is that I never felt that I had it just right and spent a considerable amount of time tweaking it and trying to make sure it was perfect. Hopefully I was able to make realistic the nuance between John and Natalie in a conversation that should have happened on the show and WOULD have were I or any sensible person at the helm of the ship (pun intended).

The inspiration for this chapter is from hands down one of the best songs in the English language: Fake Plastic Trees by Radiohead. The Acoustic Version, my all time favorite live performance by the group, is on the Clueless Soundtrack and has been worn out on my playlist since Windows 95 was considered the pinnacle of computer OPs! Thom Yorke & Co are geniuses.

Please enjoy the final chapter before the prologue.

I own nothing but this story and the clothes on my back.

Chapter 9

Fake Plastic Trees

 

The heavy knock on John’s office door broke the comfortable silence he’d surprisingly maintained for a half hour, unaware that his girlfriend and semi-ex had been exchanging words as he muddled his way through the last day’s reports for overview. If he finished up ahead of time, he could get home to pack a bag for his stay at Van’s for the next week. She emailed him earlier to inform him she was cooking. There was no way in hell he would miss that rare opportunity.

“Yeah?” he barked distractedly.

The soft click of the turning knob followed and the clack of heels scarping across the threshold. “Hey, John, do you have a minute?”

John sighed inwardly upon immediate recognition of the voice and the way his name somehow had an A and W shoved unceremoniously where O and H had harmonized for years without disturbance.

The detective looked up, saw her face, and had an automatic reaction of concern which he mentally made a note to work on fixing. It was tear-streaked-her round green eyes glassy and bloodshot. Thin red lips trembled in defeat, made all the more tragic by the shitty artificial industrial lighting of his office. This was a look he was all too familiar with and a little wiser now at how she used his genuine concern for her well-being to bullshit and manipulate her way into his life.

Whenever Natalie Vega was in his midst, his entire being cringed. It was a mixture of guilt, irritation, sadness, disbelief, and utter despair that he had voluntarily put himself in a situation that it seemed he would never get out of no matter how many times he tried to sever ties with her. Then again, he couldn’t be all that upset as he had brought a lot of their miscommunication on himself.

A few years ago, he had wanted her for all the wrong reasons. Natalie was there, she physically reminded him of his dead fiancée, and she had a bit of an edge that he mistook for maturity beyond her years. She was a Buchanan in name but she was a simple Jersey Girl at heart and he respected that her new station in life hadn’t changed who she was fundamentally growing up a Balsom.  She was complicated and messy and always in need of his rescue. He understood complicated and though he tried to live a simple life, he related to messy.

But it was never about her.

Selfishly, it was about him. And apparently she had been okay with that until he realized that as fucked up as he was, it still wasn’t enough. She deserved love and that was never what he was offering.

He had gotten her husband killed even as the chemistry between them seemed to drown out all his common sense and reasoning.  Cristian Vega had sensed just how shaky his wife’s notion of fidelity could be when something more challenging, seasoned, and unavailable came her way. And John admittedly used that advantage to manipulate Natalie-and therefore Vega-into working with him. He had been attracted to her. He didn’t pursue her, but he didn’t shut their connection down either. When the boy died, what could he do but try to make it right?

Then Evangeline happened and that changed everything. The artist’s return only heightened his sense of relief. He still blamed himself for how everything played out, but at the very least, Vega was alive and Natalie, for lack of tact, was once again his problem.

He knew that, but in this moment, having the clarity of mind he’d finally succumbed to over the past couple of days, he understood that Natalie remained willfully oblivious.

The Buchanan heiress waited, her eyes silently pleading with him to give into her façade of a request. John may have been awakened to his part in all this mess, but she didn’t know that and he did care about her. So he used his two fingers to motion for her to sit down. Folding his hands and sitting back in his chair, he waited for her to take the moment to collect herself.

“What’s wrong Natalie?” He finally asked. “Is everything alright with Cristian?”

Apparently that had been the wrong question to ask because the girl began to go into what John could only describe as what his cousin Shannon would call a “bitch fit” mode.

“God, why does everyone ask me that damn question? Seriously! Everything is not about Cristian, you know! What about me, huh? I have problems too, but everyone wants to ask about Cris’ feelings, Cris’ well-being. I’m surprised your nosey ass girlfriend didn’t ask what kind of boxers he wears!”

The detective had been only slightly annoyed up until now and Natalie was completely oblivious to the enormous blunder she had just made so she didn’t see his features turn to sudden stone.

John leaned forward in his chair and folded his hands on the desk “Let’s set some perimeters for this conversation right now Natalie. I don’t know what went down between you or Evangeline today and you’re both adults so I won’t get involved, but if you’ve come to talk shit about her to me, you’ve got the wrong person. If you have a problem, I’ll do what I can to help, but let’s leave our personal feelings at the door.”

Natalie threw her hands in the air and shook her head. “Oh, yes, Saint Evangeline can do no wrong. I forgot that Miss Perfect can’t be called out for her bullshit. That’s my role.” Though the voice in her head told her to change her tactics, the wounded heart had ferociously clawed out any sense of dignity. She knew she had to go all in andwas willing to lose her last shred of self-respect trying to make John understand.

“Natalie.” John warned.

“Fine,” she said backing off. “I won’t go there.”

“Then what do you want?”

There was silent struggle to justify her reasons for showing up at his office door and in that moment honesty was all she had.

“I don’t know,” she said, her whole demeanor appearing defeated. Natalie suddenly felt she simultaneously had everything and nothing to lose and if she couldn’t have John McBain for whatever reason, she sure as hell wasn’t willing to let him go on happily without her.

“Then there isn’t anything I can do for you. I can’t help if you don’t tell me what the problem is.”

Natalie pushed her chair closer to his desk and began playing with the leaves of a small artificial bonsai tree that sat on the edge. It sat there, its lacquered greens catching the overhead light, too perfect looking to be real even in the dimly lit office. It as was stupid, but for some odd reason the sight of the shiny leaves shifted her mood and the defeated look replaced with one of dangerous determination.

For a moment John feared the woman was on the verge of a serious mental breakdown.

“Is everything okay with Marcie and Michael? I saw them come in today.”

“Yeah, they’re fine…” his voice trailed off, slightly confused.

Natalie shrugged. “That’s good. It’s just that I saw Evangeline there too and thought there was some kind of trouble.”

“We were having lunch.”

The red head snorted. “And dancing lessons too?”

John said nothing, partly because he was embarrassed that his no rhythm having ass was most likely the talk of the office and the other part because this conversation was heading down a dangerous path.

“Oh, yeah. The entire office is talking about how you spent lunch being goaded by Evangeline to dance.”

John rolled his eyes. “Well, then whoever was wasting the tax payer’s money by snooping on a private moment instead of doing their jobs will be dealt with.”

Including you, he said silently. Natalie was sharp enough to get the message and she shifted uncomfortably in her seat. “So is that all that you wanted to talk about-my lousy dancing?”

The red head continued to gaze in to his eyes searching for any leeway that might tell her what she should say. All she got was a blank stare. Apparently, she would have to make him see things her way. “I need some clarity John, because honestly, I feel like this is some big joke being played on me. Because I don’t understand how it is that you and I have spent the better part of two years chasing  around  this thing we have, something that you started while I was with Cristian, and now suddenly you’re telling the words that you claimed you couldn’t say to anyone, to Evangeline of all fucking people. See, I accepted that it was just something you weren’t capable of doing, but your actions always showed your true feelings.  That I was the one you couldn’t get out of your head, even when that snob was practically forcing you to tell her you loved her and you were just avoiding the inevitability of us. And now, you want me to just roll over and forget about everything we shared?  Well, I need answers. I need to know how you could do this to me.”

And so there it was. Not only had Natalie been up to her usual lurking self, what Evangeline has warned him about for months-the fact that he would ultimately have to own up to his part on this girl’s relentless quest to make him hers-had finally come to pass. And he was no less dreading it than he was before.

But here was his chance to set things right and so he would,

“Look, Natalie,” he began, “I think it’s time we set some things straight. And you’re right that this talk has been long overdue and that I owe you some answers. I’m going to give them to you with the promise that after we have this out, you walk away for good and leave it alone. You might not like what you hear, but I want your word that you will move on with your life and let me live mine.”

The redhead arched her eyebrow. “No deal. I want to hear what you have to say first before I agree to anything.”

“Fine,” John replied. “Just know that the offer was for your benefit and not mine. Regardless of how you feel, I’m sorry to say, it won’t change how I feel.”

The detective glanced at his picture of Evangeline on his desk for some added strength. He would need it.

“First, I owe you an apology. When we first met, I admit that we had an unspoken…attraction that I used to manipulate you and Cris into helping me. While I did like you genuinely, it was never my intention to act on it. You were with Cris and I respected that, but I also wanted to solve the Music Box Killer case. It cost you your husband and I felt guilty about it because I pushed Cris. He was reluctant and I pushed him into it and used you to do it.”

John paused, trying to gauge carefully how to put this next part of his speech together so that his words could not be misconstrued in any way.

“This is the truth. Being with you wasn’t complicated. You needed some stability and I was looking for someone to save. Maybe a lot of it had to do with Caitlin and what happened to her. You looked a lot like her and I thought maybe you were my second chance to right yet another wrong I felt I was responsible for.”

Natalie stopped John and held up a hand in protest. “So you’re telling me that what we had wasn’t real. You were only trying to play Robo Cop and I was just the damsel in place of your dead fiancée? That I’m making this all up in my head? That’s bullshit John and you know it!”

“I didn’t say that we didn’t have something real,” he corrected. “I’m saying that what we had wasn’t good for us. It wasn’t love, at least not on my part. I didn’t intentionally lead you on, but I didn’t help the situation and being the asshole that I am, I made it worse. Not just for you, but now for Cris.”

“This isn’t about Cris, John.”

“But it should be Natalie. He is your husband and when you thought you lost him, you grieved for him. That was real. That was love. And now you have a second chance to have the life you thought was taken from you. To be with someone who will give you the life you deserve.  Because I’m not that man Natalie.”

The tears began to fall in rapid succession, the Buchanan heiress’ face in complete shock. “You think you know me so well but you don’t. I do love Cristian. He was my first true love and I will always love hm. And I have tried to be the good and dutiful wife and pretend that everything is fine when it’s not. I’m not the girl Cris married anymore. His death changed me John. You changed me. You’ve made me feel things that I thought I had already felt only to find out that what I felt was fool’s gold. You and I make sense. Everything about us is right. The way we grew up, the way we approach life. So when you say you aren’t that man, when I know you are, and I know you know you are, it’s false. All that time you spent with Evangeline, and you would still come running if I called, the way you could never say you loved her.”

John grimaced inwardly. Not just because Evangeline had been spot on in her assessment about this entirely fucked up situation, but also because he had a feeling, short of his death, Natalie would not let go this easy.

“Natalie, the extent of my personal relationship with anyone is none of your business but, just this once; I’m going to say this to you because I’m the reason for this uncertainty. And then we’re done here because there is nothing left to say. I didn’t use Evangeline because I couldn’t admit my feelings for you. I put you in the middle because I couldn’t admit I loved her.”

Despite her face crumpling at the revelation, the sharp intake of her breath, John pressed on. “So, let me be clear once more. I’m sorry for my part in causing confusion in your life. I was a selfish bastard for that, but it’s time for us both to move on. I am with Evangeline. I am in love with Evangeline and there isn’t a damn thing you or anyone else can do about it.”

There was a deafening silence in the air in that moment. Natalie looked into the eyes of the man that she had come to love, eyes that normally never gave anything away, unless he called for it. And she saw it right there. It wasn’t a lie. He meant every word. Somehow, in the midst of their burgeoning love story, he had actually fallen for someone else. She wasn’t the most intelligent being on the earth, but that had to qualify as some type of irony.

And it was still unacceptable. Why did that bitch Evangeline get to run off into the sunset with her happy ending, and she be left miserable? She would be stuck in a marriage she no longer wanted pining over a man she’d have to see all the time and with his girlfriend no less, living out the moments she had spent the last two years fantasizing about, reminding of her of what she couldn’t have. And as usual, Miss Perfect swoops in doing practically nothing to win John. Perhaps that was what irked her more than anything. Having to see that self-satisfying smirk on Evangeline’s face, knowing that she beat out the competition. The thought alone had Natalie seeing red.

John waited patiently for her to work it out, in his own way looking out for her one last time to make sure she was okay. He never really understood how unstable Natalie was and the guilt he felt over adding to that would never go away completely. But he would learn to live with it and make his peace the best way he knew how.

“Why her John? I asked you that before and you didn’t even have an answer, but I deserve to know. Why her and why not me? What-“

“Natalie, don’t do this. Will it make this situation better?”

“YES! Because if there is something I can do, if it’s something that I can fix, I will. What can she do for you that I can’t? You aren’t anything alike! She could never understand your or appreciate you the way I do. So I’m asking you to tell me.”

John thought for a minute and finally realized that he could not save her. Not even from the truth. The best thing he could do for her was to be honest. It was the evading and lying that bought them to this moment to begin with.  

“You can’t do anything because you could never be Evangeline. You’re Natalie Vega and there is nothing wrong with you. You say you understand me, and that we are the same, but we aren’t. If the situation was reversed and I was sitting in your chair having this conversation with you, I would have already accepted the truth of the matter and left. Maybe it would hurt like hell, but it is what it is. You and I may come from the same place, but we’re not the same and who we are individually would never work together.

“And as for Evangeline, all you have to know is that when I look at her, I see my past, present, and future with her. When we’re together, it’s right. It’s so right, it fucking sacred me enough to try and sabotage it. I feel things that I’ve never felt with anyone before. She made me want more. Not with games, or manipulation or lies. Just love. She’s my home, Natalie. And even though I care for you, I don’t feel that way about you.”

“So that’s it?” she crossed over to John’s side of the desk. He stood to meet her face to face. “I’m supposed to just walk away and lick my wounds. Just accept defeat?

John’s brow rose in curiosity. “Well, what is this about? Are you upset because you can’t have me or because Evangeline won whatever war you think you have with her?”

Natalie shook her head. “That’s not what I’m saying.”

The detective sighed. “It doesn’t matter. I want you to be happy. No matter what you think you wouldn’t find that with me. Even if it’s not with Cris, I want you to be okay because you deserve that. Don’t waste your emotions on me or anyone else who doesn’t deserve it.”

“John-“

“I don’t want to be your savior anymore. I’m sorry.”

Out of everything that had just transpired, it was those words that broke her spirit. There was tension in the room that reeked of finality and it had never existed before. The energy was as old as time itself when concerning matters of the heart left unresolved. She turned away from John and took a few steps to his window taking in the bustling street of Llanview Avenue. She could see her brother Kevin walking arm in arm with his wife Kelly heading toward Hollow Grounds. They were whispering in each other’s ears like giddy teenagers. The relationship had six years of turmoil and grief. Both had hurt each other so badly, but here they were now-stronger than ever and in love. Even Blair and Todd were taking a break from their love/hate drama and were sitting on one of the benches with Starr  happily having ice cream. It was the town consensus that the Mannings enjoyed turning Llanview upside down by making more wars than love against each other. And yet, it worked for them.

And then there was Evangeline Williamson.

Her nemesis.

The thorn in her side was crossing the street with her best friend Nora Buchanan, seemingly in the middle of a serious conversation. As they walked pass familiar faces, Evangeline smiled waving jovially; first to her other best friend Todd and his family (though Natalie was slightly mollified to see Blair roll her eyes even as she managed a pathetic wave) and then to Kevin who caught her attention before walking into the coffee shop. He made a gesture with his hand indicating that he needed to speak with her and she nodded. She had the whole fucking town, including the majority of her family, tied around her finger.

And John.

No matter how much she had grown over the past couple of years, no matter how much she had finally begun to own her life as a Buchanan heiress, she would never be enough. Not even for someone who was nobody compared to her.  She’d always be that poor white trash girl from the outskirts of the good part of town, learning how to lie and cheat her way through life.

But she was a Buchanan now and no one could take that from her, and if she couldn’t have John, she would make sure that every moment of Evangeline’s life in Llanview was made uncomfortable. She could have John, but she would pay the price for it.

She turned back around to the detective. Her face had hardened, the tears were drying, the energy in the room shifting yet again. “I don’t need you to save me. I didn’t ask you to save me. But you’re going to regret your decision. Because this is the last time I humiliate myself and beg you to take what’s rightfully yours. And when things fall apart with her, don’t bother coming back to me with your tail between your legs you son of a bitch. Because I will never forgive you for doing this to me.”

She began to walk away from John, but he grabbed her arm. This time, his eyes were as cold as ice and the red head felt the child all the way down to her bones. Natalie couldn’t help but recoil in slight fear. “Whatever you’re planning to do, I would warn you not for Evangeline’s sake, but for your own. Don’t cross her. If you mess with her in any way, she will destroy you first, then you’ll deal with me, and I think you know how I am about the people I love. You’ve got a lot of growing to do. But I’m not a boy Natalie. I’m a man. I’m flawed, but I’m a man. And I need a woman, not a girl pretending to be one."

Natalie yanked her out of John’s clutches. “You need an escape from your pathetic existence, a fantasy to keep you distracted from how miserable and how broken you really are.”

“All the more reason for you to stay away then, right? Get out Natalie. And don’t come back. My door is no longer open to you aside from official business.”

Natalie backed out of the office, but not before sending the supposed love of her life an invitation to hell, grabbing the football that Evangeline had given John and the letter opener that sat on top of John’s desk. Silently, she plunged the letter opener into the memento until it looked like it had been through a bloody battle and threw the deflated pigskin to the floor, her heated eyes never leaving John’s.

She turned on her heels and slammed the door with a force that had to exist out of her natural strength, the glass shattering ferociously in complete harmony with her rage.

John sighed, as he looked at the innocent token that had been slaughtered, then at the settling of the glass. The day had just gotten longer.  A sharp pain in his head came on instantly and he reached for his desk drawer to achieve aspirin. The crunch of shattered glasses being pressed by a heavy foot only intensified the pain.

John looked up and saw Bo and a few other colleagues standing behind him with concerned expressions.

“What the hell is going on McBain?” Bo shouted. Seeing his colleague looking weary, his next question was a bit softer in tone. “Are you alright?”

“Does it look alright?” John snapped but automatically regretted the tone. “Sorry. It’s fine.”

Bo turned around and told the other officers to get back to work and to send for maintenance. He stepped over the glass and noted the deflated football with a letter opener stuck in its middle. He grunted something inaudible and shook his head as he sat down in the empty chair.

“I guess you and Van were competing against who would drive the Buchanans the most insane in a day.”

John snorted as he lifted the water bottle to his mouth to wash the pills down. Placing the bottle on the desk, and wiping his mouth with a napkin, he finally returned Bo’s gaze. “Trust me that wasn’t the intent. Your niece has an uncanny way of making something about her when it’s not.”

Bo only nodded his head in affirmation. “I don’t care what the details are. And I know I don’t have to remind you that this isn’t some back alley where you and your love life handle all your complicated entanglements. Because I know my niece and I know that she-nine times out of ten-was already set in motion to act a fool. But for the love of God and the sake of that poor football that was signed by McNabb himself, I hope you finally set her straight.”

John laughed absentmindedly. “I told Natalie what she didn’t want to hear. What was said is between us, and I’m sorry if I hurt her, but like you said, she came to me. Either way, we’ve said our peace.”

“And then some,” Bo countered. He got up and pushed his chair back in place.

“I spoke with Evangeline earlier who was also minding her business and ran into the same…situation. Not that I ever doubted it, but the lady can most definitely hold her own, even in a fancy work suit.”

John smiled absentmindedly at the thought of Van kicking someone’s ass. “She definitely can.”

Bo studied John for a moment pleased with what he saw. “She’s a good woman,” he said as he walked towards the battered door. He turned back to John. “Don’t fuck this one up, okay? Replacing this stuff don’t come cheap,” he joked.

“Sir,” John replied.

John took a deep breath and exhaled. Finally, the last weight on his shoulder had been lifted. He had tied up all the loose ends and cleared the debris that had blocked his path for so long. For the first time in a long time, the detective could finally see a clearing in his road ahead.

And it felt so right.


Her green plastic watering can
For her fake Chinese rubber plant
In the fake plastic earth
That she bought from a rubber man
In a town full of rubber plans
To get rid of itself

It wears her out, it wears her out
It wears her out, it wears her out

She lives with a broken man
A cracked polystyrene man
Who just crumbles and burns
He used to do surgery
For girls in the eighties
But gravity always wins

It wears him out, it wears him out
It wears him out, it wears him out

She looks like the real thing
She tastes like the real thing
My fake plastic love
But I can't help the feeling
I could blow through the ceiling
If I just turn and run

It wears me out, it wears me out
It wears me out, it wears me out

If I could be who you wanted
If I could be who you wanted all the time

All the time...
All the time...

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

End Notes:

One for you so please review!

Chapter 10 by Vita Consuelo
Author's Notes:

Here we come to the end, and honestly, this feels bittersweet. This story has been finished for some time, at least a year but I couldn't quite let it go yet. I've had so much fun reviving and adding to a story that I had finished years ago. But this being the ten year anniverary of the end of Jovan it felt right to post it now. I hope you all enjoyed it as much as I did writing it. And I hope I did the character's justice.

Epilogue


Three Years Later


Thanksgiving Week


Llanview


 


The aroma of homemade pasta sauce and Italian sausage assaulted the detective’s senses as soon as he pulled into the drive way of his home in Llanview Gardens District. Shutting off the engine and whistling a nameless tune, he couldn’t help but pause for a minute to acknowledge how much his life had changed in a couple of years.  John McBain, Lieutenant Detective of the Llanview Police Department was now officially a family man. And though it seemed like he had become your typical average suburban stale piece of Wonder Bread at 38 years of age, complete with a sensible sedan, marriage, car seat and mortgage, his life was anything but.


Evangeline had made sure of that. She promised that life with her would never be boring and true to form, she did not disappoint. Every day John learned something new about his soul mate, about the world, and about himself. He had learned and was still learning how to live his life to the fullest with no regrets. They traveled when they could-hell, even when they couldn’t-found ways to get freaky in the most public of places that two servants of the law had no business doing, and their home was full of mayhem, mishaps, and adventure.


More importantly, it was a home filled with love.


John was still a man of few words, but he made sure to utter his feelings for his wife every morning, noon and night and definitely made sure to show her as many times as he could.


He thought about what his mother said two years ago, when he first brought Evangeline home to meet his crazy Irish family. It didn’t take her long to charm each and every soul in that house including Eve McBain’s cat. By the end of the might, even tipsy, she brought the room to tears with stirring renditions of Danny Boy and Suil A Ruin.


In the middle of the impromptu performance, Eve watched her eldest brother Brennan, who hadn’t shed a tear when he lost his leg, or his first wife to childbirth, swell around his eyes as the warm melodic voice filled the air that ironically reminding them of a home that was never forgotten. She leaned over to her son and whispered, “If you don’t marry that woman, there are at least three cousins who will gladly offer their hand, but one way or another she was meant to be in this family, my boy.”


John said nothing, but his mother was right as she almost always was. Not long after that, they did Christmas at her and her mother’s house. While John did not have the same smooth experience that Van had with his family, and understandably so, he managed to gain her mother and Uncle Clay’s approval by the end of the weekend. It came with the warning, of course, that if he broke their “Cookie’s” heart, he would pay for it in blood. And he was pretty sure it was a promise considering Van’s Penn State giant linebacker cousin was looming in the background ready to pounce.


After that, months passed-the lovers still in their own world doing their part to contribute to the Llanview gossip pages. The detective’s new lease on life had been noticed by all. And when Evangeline’s sister Layla came to town to stay at the beginning of spring, it was agreed that since he practically lived with Van anyway and shared many of her expenses, he would give his apartment to Layla and officially move into the condo. Not only was the move logical, but necessary as it was kind of hard to have creative and spontaneous sex when his girlfriend’s sister was in the other room cracking up.


On Independence Day, they threw their first holiday bash together, inviting friends and family from both sides, testing the waters to see how the people in their extended lives would fair in the same room. It was prickly at first, but by the time Van and John’s uncles gave stirring speeches about the irony of the holiday and the group of people who had gathered to celebrate, an overwhelming sense of unity had been created in that moment.


And on a rainy night in July on the exact same night Evangeline had answered John’s dare and gave him that life altering kiss two years prior-while in their bed fresh from lovemaking and in typical John McBain understated fashion-he asked his girlfriend to become his wife as he placed his mother’s engagement ring on an unsuspecting finger.


For Evangeline Williamson to say unhesitatingly yes when she had stated that marriage was not necessary for commitment, was an example of how much she had overcome many of her own fears as her relationship with McBain progressed.


By October, in the presence of family and friends, it was Evangeline’s turn to walk down the aisle. Marcie, one of her matrons of honor returned the favor and sang very prettily with Layla Fools Rush In, as her other matron Nora accompanied on the piano. As they said their vows to one another and the minister declared them as man and wife, the detective knew that nothing had ever felt more right or more certain than becoming a husband to the beautiful woman beside him.


John’s reminiscing was broken as another waft of savory spices filled his nostrils and taunted his starving stomach. He grabbed his briefcase and slid out the car. The house, or “McBain Manor” as he jokingly called it, was decorated in season complete with autumn foliage and pumpkin colored curtains that his mother had given as a housewarming gift not too long ago. Made of Tudor stone the five bedroom house sat sleepily behind a small wooded area with five or six other houses in similar positions but spaciously apart. There was a wrap-around porch that held various perennials in cherry wooden flower boxes, patio furniture placed on all sides made of wicker. The fencing was painted Cornish blue while the porch floor shared the same material as the flower boxes.  On the left side of the back lawn was a vegetable garden and on the right lawn, a flower garden, that in spite of Van’s busy workload, received as much attention and vigorous care as everything else in her life. And they still had a half an acre of untouched wooded area that was exclusively theirs.


He and Evangeline were shocked when their mothers presented them with a check on their wedding day. Both were old school and had been putting money away for years for this very event. Michael and Marcie had received something from Eve as well, but his brother was sworn to secrecy as it was supposed to be a surprise for John and Evangeline when it was their turn. John and Evangeline were not exactly hurting for money. Both made a good amount, though Evangeline had the higher salary, and they were very practical with their income. There was more than enough to save and spend as they saw fit. The monetary gift was almost turned down but their parents would hear none of it.


So Evangeline and John decided they would put a down payment on a house when the time was right. But as John turned the idea over in his head, when he thought about the type of home he wanted for them and their future family, he knew that there would nothing out already made that would suit who they were. And with Van’s eager blessing, the decision was made to build their dream home. Nothing too fancy but something cozy, elegant, a bit rugged and representative of both parties as individuals united.


And to John’s surprise their project became one that extended to family and friends and also forged new relationships with unexpected people. Cris Vega had finally had enough of Natalie Buchanan’s bullshit and had divorced her not too long after Natalie’s outburst in John’s office. Along the way, he somehow managed to fall head over heels in love with Evangeline’s sister and this ironically made him and John one step closer to family then they ever wanted to be. It was a rocky start, but both men had come to realize they were holding onto an old harvest that had yielded better fruit in the end for both parties when put in perspective.


It was time to leave the past in the past.


That and both Layla and Evangeline were not having it. She had made Cris yet another honorary sibling and was determined to help him in any way she could. In return, he helped John and Van with the concept of their home through beautiful drawings now proudly displayed in various parts of the homestead.


While searching for the perfect place, Todd Manning grudgingly suggested they check out the Garden District which was about fifteen minutes away from downtown Llanview. Manning disliked the detective for many reasons, but he adored his best friend to John’s annoyance and he thought Cris’ drawings would sit perfectly on the land he was willing to sell them for practically nothing-his belated wedding gift. The lawyer had saved Todd from jail numerous times-including death row-and even if her taste in men sucked, he wanted her to have everything her heart desired. He would be eternally grateful for her friendship and loyalty. John, of course, was ready to decline but when Evangeline talked him into visiting the charming wooded are that would give him “all the privacy he ever wanted” he had to admit that it was a perfect place to practice endless hours of family making and eventually raise their children.


Evangeline’s Uncle, Joe Ward, was a noted contractor in Philly and offered his business at an extremely discounted rate since the McBains were paying for all the materials and offering catered meals via Carlotta Vega. Over the course of the year, John, Michael, Cris, Bo, and a few of Evangeline’s relative’s chipped in every weekend building the house stone by stone, wall by wall. They drank beers, did some male bonding while hammering away their collective frustration concerning various matters.


Finally, at the end of spring that year, construction was complete. Their small community had come together for the pair and it solidified why Llanview with all its dark twists and secrets, was the perfect place to start their lives together. The town-good or bad-took care of its own.


John unlocked the back door and was greeted with a cacophony of noises the minute he stepped through. There were about ten different women sparse throughout the spacious kitchen in various shapes, sizes, and hues with glasses of red wine well within reach. Anita Baker was playing loudly in the background, a few off key voices signing with the track and laughing.


He quietly watched the scene, not ready to announce his presence.


 “Can someone explain to me why we’re prepping for Thanksgiving four days beforehand? I could be in bed with my man right now giving many thanks for all that hotness solely for my pleasure,” said Layla Williamson, her high ponytail shaking with equal consternation as she pounded the poor dough on the counter into submission. The massive marble island countertop was covered with various bowls, spices, and pastries in a cluttered but organized fashion.


A tall woman with striking features and regal posture, wearing a chignon, breezed by the young woman, “You’re not too young to get that mouth washed out with soap young lady.”


“Mama, I’m just saying. Some of us unmarried folks have needs.”


Evangeline McBain-Williamson turned around from her spot at the stove her Kiss the Cook apron, still unsoiled and doing a very poor job of hiding her very pregnant belly.


“Hah. After all the money Mommy spent on you living out dream number 4,450  of being a chef, I’d think you of all people would  appreciate my attention to detail in planning this feast.”


“Hmm hmm,” chimed a pixie of a woman with similar features to Evangeline save for the cropped haircut, also pregnant. “And Lay will be the first in line at the buffet and the first to say something if it doesn’t taste right.”


Evangeline laughed. “Thank you Brysës! And, I’ll have you know, it is not easy hosting a dinner for forty plus people when you’re carrying a heavy load that insists on torturing your uterus. A load, by the way, that came from satisfying my and my husband’s needs thank you very much.”


John smiled at that. Marcie McBain and Nora Buchanan lifted their glasses in the air and replied. “I’ll drink to that!” Nora grinned at Layla. “Your time is coming, dear. Cris is finally settled and his career is in full swing. I do believe he thinks you are the one he’s been waiting for his entire life. Those Vega boys don’t wait when they’ve found the one.”


Layla rolled her eyes. “I am not ready to share Cristian with a snot nosed little brat, even if it comes from us. We have plenty of time for all of that. I enjoy having my figure intact.”


“Then I hope you’re practicing safe sex,” replied Eve McBain causing Layla to spit out the wine she had just taken a swig of which in turn cause Lisa Williamson to laugh with her daughter’s mother-in-law.


It was then that Evangeline saw John standing at the doorway, her eyes twinkling at the sight of her husband looking very tall, not so dark, but definitely handsome. She gave him one of her special smiles and waddled over to him.


“You eavesdropping on girl talk McBain?” she asked as she began to shed him of his coat.


Variations of greetings from the other women were offered and John replied with, “Hello ladies. Smells good in here.”


Stepping out of his shoes and placing them by the door, he returned to Evangeline’s waiting arms and gave her belly a gentle rub.  “And I wasn’t eavesdropping, simply admiring my gorgeous wife with child.”


And she was even more beautiful if it was possible. Everyone the attorney came into contact with went on about her glow. Her breasts usually not more than a handful were spilling out of her shirts these days, and her tight little body, while still firm and luscious was now ample in all the right places. Even Van’s hair now just below her chest in curls was shinier and thicker.


John could not complain about any of it, as all these changes, simply added to what was already perfection. He spent much of his free time worshipping it all and happily so.


Evangeline stood on her toes to meet John’s lips as he swept her into a passionate kiss that had her stocking covered toes curled. There was a range of whooping and hollering and barf noises as they shut out the world and shared their version of an everyday greeting.


John could feel his pants tightening as Van’s hot little tongue meshed with his and he reluctantly had to pull her back before he embarrassed the both of them. Evangeline was always a sexual person as far as he was concerned, but the baby, made her more so if that was even possible. It took less than five seconds for things to get X rated in the McBain household these days.


He whispered “later” to her and slapped her butt playfully before grabbing her hand and asking the inevitable question that all men asked when coming home. “What’s for dinner?”


Van rolled her eyes, “Our moms collaborated and out did themselves with rigatoni and Italian sausage with fresh garlic and green pepper.”


“Yeah, but it was my recipe,” Brysës chimed in.


“You mean your Italian husband’s recipe,” Layla corrected. “Cuz, everyone knows you can crack open a chest, but a can of tomato sauce? Please.”


Brysës stuck out her tongue on that one. “What’s mine is his and all that. It’s a married thing.”


John chucked and headed over to his mom and mother-in-law to greet them with a kiss on the cheek. “Thank you, ladies for taking care of Van for me. If I left her to her on her own, she would be doing everything she’s not supposed to do.”


Lisa gave him a pat on the back and winked. ‘”We’ve got your back John. That’s our little cookie in their too.”


“You better pray that baby is a girl bro,” Layla joked.


Van scowled at her sister and then grabbed John by the arm and lead him toward the island. “We’ve got most of the prep work done so come Turkey Day I won’t feel like I want to drive a spike through my head.” John eyed cookie dough on the table and opened his mouth. His wife only smirked and fed him a spoonful.


“But when I wanted some, Sis practically bit my hand off.”


“Don’t be a hater, sis,” John said as he gave his wife another quick peck.


Layla groaned. “Ugh, don’t ever utter those words again. It’s just so wrong.”


Van pulled his hand along toward the living room, John making sure to tweak his sister-in-law’s nose on the way out.


“Michael, Cris, Bo and Emilio are in the den putting together the new chairs that came in today. Feel free to put those manly muscles to use and make our home look pretty. Show’em how it’s done, McBain.”


For the moment, they were alone. John gave her another kiss, this time gentle and slow-burning. “If it’s anyone it should be me,” he joked.


“But you’re okay, right? The baby is fine?” he asked, this time his tone more solemn.


“Yes, babe, I’m fine. I felt a little tired earlier so I took a power nap , but other than that, I feel great. Baby McBain is kicking something fierce though.”


A few weeks ago, Evangeline had almost had a scare when she tripped over a bottle on the way to her office. She tried to break her fall, but fell hard on her stomach. Thankfully, there was no serious injury to her or the baby, other than a scratched hand, but John had gone ballistic, ready to troll the streets for the littering criminal that dare put his family in jeopardy.


Since then he was calling in favors having Evangeline watched from time to time to ensure her safety. And when she found out, she was the one about to go ballistic. It wasn’t necessarily a new side of John as he had always been protective, but it was never to this extreme. He had promised her years ago that once he unleashed his love, it would be a different kind of man she was used to seeing.


“I still can’t believe this is our life sometimes, you know? What did I do to deserve you?”


“Hmm, all you did was love me John. That’s how you got here.”


The energy shifted and Evangeline wrapped her arms around John’s neck and walked him backward until she had him against the wall.


“I’ve been thinking about this all day, waiting for you to get home so I could have my wicked way with you,” Evangeline said huskily in his ear.


John moaned and shut his eyes. Fuck yeah. “Then what are you waiting for? Let’s kick everyone the hell out. Send them to Bo and Nora’s. They got plenty of room in that new castle of theirs.”


Just as Evangeline was considering doing just that, Layla ruined the moment appearing in the living room doorway.


“Mom!  Van is about to defile the living room with John!” She grinned wickedly. “Just returning the favor, cock blocker.” The dark beauty gave the couple a thumbs up before cackling and heading back to the kitchen.


John let a few swear words slip before nibbling on Van’s neck. “I’m going to kill her.”


Evangeline laughed. “The anticipation will make it all the more fun. Now go do manly things and make my living room pretty.”


The two gave each other a sultry look before parting ways and John descended to the down a small flight of stairs that was known as the family den. He could hear male voices protesting against what sounded like a bad call in whatever game they were watching.


Michael was the first to greet his brother as he entered the spacious room. “Johnny! Finally, dude. Game just started.”


“And Dallas is making you look like school girls already,” laughed Emilio Otunga Venedicci, with his thick Italian accent. Easily the tallest and bulkiest man in the room, the bald headed man stood up to shake John’s hand, his ebony muscles flexing involuntarily along the way.


Brysës’ husband, a Dallas transplant had been goading John since his arrival to Llanview him about the infamous Cowboys/Eagles rivalry. “Stick to soccer, Venedicci,” John retorted.


The coffee table had been pushed to the back of the room and five huge boxes lined one side of the wall with three oak finished chairs in front. At the center of the floor where the men sat across from a gigantic flat screen, a myriad of wooden parts, nails, and other tools lay haphazardly. The detective took a seat next to Bo, the cold beer he was offered and got comfortable.


“Van said you started the chairs, but all I see is a pile of shit.”


“Hey, I put together two by myself because I’m secure in my manhood to read the directions,” said Cris.


“Yeah, and your wife said a few chairs, when she tricked us into coming with the ladies,” Michael complained.


John grunted as he took a swig of the brew. “All you heard was beer and food. I told you before that it was going to be a packed house. Don’t blame my woman, greedy ass.”


Michael huffed. “We don’t blame her, we blame you. That’s why I’m borrowing a few of your precious jazz records tonight for the penance. Me and the missus are gonna recreate ourselves some savoy savagery.”


All the men in the room groaned, Cris the loudest. “Dude, way too much information being shared here.”


Michael remained unfazed. “What can I say? Marriage has brought out a whole new side to Marce. I didn’t know she was a majorette in high school, but she puts those flexible skills to use. She does this one thing with her leg-“


“Mikey,” John warned. “I don’t want to hear about my sweet little sister-in-law and her legs. It ain’t right.”


Bo gave his friend a toothy grin. “Says the man who got caught with another officer of the law with his pants down in the back of Rodi’s parking lot,”


“Don’t forget the elevator at the hotel,” chimed Michael. His fellow intern colleague had a relative who worked the security cameras at the Palace and said the cousin had seen his brother and Van getting “freak nasty” in the lift.


“Or Llanview Park.  Layla went jogging with them when she decided to take up fitness for a day and somehow they got ‘lost’ and when she found them forty minutes later…” Cris left the sentence unfinished.


The detective grunted, but his eyes were smiling as he reminisced on all of those very memorable moments. “Fine. You made your point. Now shut the hell up and earn your booze.”


Bo patted John heartily on the back. “You know we love you. And I’m glad you and Van got it together in time. Happiness looks good on you bro, and the LPD station thanks you for it too.”


John could not disagree with that. The men continued to rib one another as they got to work on the chairs and yelled some more at the screen, their Birds ahead by two points. With his buds, beer, beloved Eagles, family, and wife not too far away, McBain was at peace.

End Notes:

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