Don't mess with the m*therf*ckin' Rat Queens by Kitty Black
Summary:

A fanfiction about the comic Rat Queens


Dee, an athiest human cleric, battles with her friends "The Rat Queens" almost daily. But she also battles with social anxiety. After her marriage with her estranged husband, she hasn't had a decent sex life. Dating is hard when she has to slit an orc's throat every few days, and especially when she lives with her wild and crazy friends. And dating is really hard when there's been an evil cult leader trying to kill her and her friends.


Categories: Books Characters: None
Classification: Cannon
Genre: Action-Adventure , Comedy , Drama, Fantasy, Friendship
Story Status: Active
Pairings: None
Warnings: Adult Situations, Character Death, Crackfic, Drugs/Drug Use, Extreme Language, Graphic Violence, Original Characters, Sexual Content , Spritualism, Strong Sexual Content
Challenges: None
Series: None
Chapters: 2 Completed: No Word count: 778 Read: 3937 Published: May 05 2016 Updated: May 05 2016

1. Characters by Kitty Black

2. Chapter 1 by Kitty Black

Characters by Kitty Black

DEE

Human, Athiest, Cleric

 

 

HANNAH

Rockabilly Elf, Mage

VIOLET

Hipster, Dwarf, Warrior

BETTY

Hippie, Halfling, Theif

 

Chapter 1 by Kitty Black

Dee woke up, tired and hungover once again. Could she even get out of bed at this point? Felt like she couldn’t even move. “What did Betty give me?” She said to herself. Getting up slowly, her head was spinning, and she had the nastiest dry mouth. She needed food and water. Getting dressed and going into the kitchen, her friends were already eating with their significant others. Laughing and smiling as if they didn’t party hard and consume as many drugs as their hearts content.


“Dee Dee!” Betty shouted, hopping out of her girlfriend, Faeyri’s lap. “I saved your plate. Flapjacks!”


Dee chuckled, taking the plate. “Thanks, Smidge.”


“How do you fare, Dee?” Violet asked. She and Orc Dave were snuggled up at the end of the table. The birds in his beard chirped happily.


“Feeling like shit, but I’ll live.” She replied, sitting down, getting ready to fill her stomach.


“Atta girl!” Hannah exclaimed, lifting her glass. It looked like she and Sawyer were finally getting somewhere with their odd relationship. Dee was happy for them, she was happy for all of them. Even for Betty, who was still struggling with Faeyri not accepting that she was a merc. Dee was just tired of feeling like she needed to be alone. After leaving her family and her husband behind - after being the only atheist in a cult worshiping a squid, she felt like she belonged with the Rat Queens. She couldn’t wake up alone again while her fellow queens had someone to wake up to, whether if they were just fucking or in a relationship. She was going to get back into the dating scene. She was a married woman, but her and her husband were friends, and Kiah knew the arrangement that they had.


“We need to go. There’s a quest we need to do before the day ends.” Hannah said.


“As long as it’s outside of Palisade.” Sawyer replied. Hannah dismissed his remark with a wave of her hand.


“Of course, of course.” She said.



~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~



Outside of the forests of Palisade, two figures - one tall and one short - trudged through the woods. The tall figure, a man with pale, limp, dirty blonde hair, wrinkles on his pale skin, and black cloak covering his black attire. The short figure was also a man, he was a little younger than the former. A few hundred years younger, though he was just as dirty and pale as the taller man.

“How much longer, Raegan?” Asked the shorter man, who is called Saul.


“Soon. The city is close.” Raegan replied. “I should have enough magic to alter our appearance.” Raegan, a demigod, and Saul, a smidgen, have been on a quest to summon N’rygoth, the aireborn Squid god. They have sat with the people who worship N’rygoth, and practiced their ways, which included drinking blood and practicing magic.


Even if Raegan decided to sit with cultists, he thought they were complete savages living in the backwoods. He knew he could build a better cult, a civilized cult, and call the followers of N’rygoth to follow him instead. He needed to find the cleric. He’s heard she left the village and the cult.


“Look!” Shouted Saul. “There’s the city!”


Raegan nodded, “Come, let’s look approachable.” Saul shuffled up to Raegan, bowing his head as Raegan pressed his hand on Saul’s head. A purplish-white light went from the hand to Saul’s head, sending sensations through his body. When Raegan took his hand off, he inspected Saul. He had sun kissed skin and his hair brighter, all-in-all, he looked younger. Raegan put his own hand on his hand, sending the magic through himself.


Saul grinned at his partner’s new appearance. Raegan was a younger, more handsome version of himself. “I see you’ve put more effort into your look.” Saul joked.


Raegan shrugged, “I am much more important, so I have to have the look to go with it.” They heard voices and footsteps coming their way. “Shh! Someone’s coming.”


They both ran and hid behind a boulder, with Saul peeking from behind to see who was coming. Saul grinned a wide toothed smile as he saw the four women walking through the woods. “Wow, Raegan, look.” he whispered.


Raegan peeked quickly. “So what? They’re women, they don’t have any purpose for my plan.” He whispered back.


Saul squinted, looking more intensly at the women. “That one has a squid tattoo. She must be a follower of N’rygoth.” Saul whispered. Raegan smiled.


“Perfect. This should be easier than I thought.”



This story archived at https://www.valentchamber.com/viewstory.php?sid=3474