At all times she is with him, in the corner of his mind. Winter ends and summer arrives, typical New York summer, sizzling hot. The city smog combined with the heat results in steamy, suffocating air. They contact each other through email first, casual at first and then every day, forwarding jokes to each other, sharing articles one will think the other is interested in.

He rings occasionally, guardedly at first and then every day, the reasons flimsy. They talk of their childhood, their family, their work and travels, all they have in common. The elements which make their lives so different they skirt around.

They meet up for lunch nearly every week-this time he allows her to split the bill, even though they debate over it each time.

They laugh together more and more. They are both avid readers and they swap books back and forth, even though they both share extremely different tastes.

He sends her trinkets he thinks she’ll like, accompanied with notes. She studies his scraggly writing, plumbing the depths of a casually crossed kiss.

They compare invitations, enquiring if the other means to go-she buys new clothes if she thinks they are sharing the same place.

One evening they both attend a party at a large penthouse in Brooklyn. Her invitation came from Andrew personally; there were no friends she knew of, only a few people she was acquainted with on the briefest of terms.

 It was filled with artists and writers and musicians; the indie hipster crowd. The food was tastefully Japanese, the air dense with conversation.

Dana and Miriam immediately both felt overdressed and awkward. When Dana told a group of people her favorite author was Stephen King, they looked at her as if she had said Mein Kampf.

It was going to be a long night.

So she drank more and more. Music was playing and she wanted to move, but she forced herself to sit still. She loved to dance, especially at the center of a large crowd, where so many moving bodies hid her own. But at a party, it just felt strange.

Andrew was aware of her presence in the crowd, just as she was of him. Yet they both ignored each other, seeking out other people.

She was deep in conversation with Miriam and a handsome bearded man named Thomas when he finally approached her, crossing the room and smiling down at them.  “Hello, Dana.” The smile remained when he looked at Thomas but Dana noticed his eyes hardening. “Thomas, how are you?”

“Hey, man” Thomas grinned. “How are you? How’s Ingrid?”

“She had plans tonight, she couldn’t make it.”

“That’s a shame” Thomas smirked, as if he knew Andrew was lying. “Dana and I were just talking here…what were we talking about?”

“There are never any cocktails at cocktail parties” Dana announced drunkenly. “I mean this is supposed to be a cocktail party, but it just has beer and wine and sake and... champagne... and everyone is dressed casually, I feel dumb for wearing a dress.”

“And there's ping-pong” Thomas added, the smirk not leaving his face.

“And a ping pong table! God, I want to play ping-pong but that group hasn’t left the table for the last two hours.”

“I think ping-pong tables should be compulsory at all parties” The woman sandwiched between Dana and Thomas, smiled up at Andrew, extending her hand. “Hi, I’m Miriam.” She was slender and fine boned, almost oriental looking. Very attractive. No wonder that tool Thomas was drooling all over her, Andrew thought to himself.

“Nice to meet you, Miriam” Andrew shook her hand.

“You know what? We should make some room” Dana scooted over, leaving a gap on her left side. “Come sit.”

He did so, but then instead of resuming conversation, remained silent, listening to Thomas talk animatedly.

When Thomas stood up to get some more drinks, Miriam turned, whispering in Dana’s ear. Andrew turned away, pulling out his phone and texting.

“Can we go?” Miriam hissed, looking panicked. “These people are such pretentious assholes, I told that guy Thomas I worked in a bank and he looked at me like I was a criminal.”

“He likes you” Dana insisted. “Can’t you tell? It’s so obvious.”

“I don’t date guys younger than me.”

“He’s handsome. And you don’t know how old he is. Besides, no one said date him, if you find him cute, then just sleep with him” Dana teased, mimicking Miriam. Miriam was the one who usually acted as if Dana was the prude whilst she was sexually liberated; engaging in more casual encounters than Dana did;  it was fun to be able to dish it back it out.

“Maybe I just might, but guys like that, you have to be careful. They end up being getting attached when you don’t want them too, like you’re some sort of fucking challenge… Oh crap, he’s on his way back. Look, can we go? Please?”

Dana could feel Andrew's body heat radiating off onto her skin. His hand brushed hers almost absentmindedly, yet she felt it send jolts of electricity up her arm down to the pit of her stomach.

“Not just yet, look go debate politics with him. You’re good at that, that’s something you should be able to do. Make him feel emasculated.”

 Miriam sighed loudly, huffing in response.

* * * *

“I want kids; I mean… I want to be a young parent. I want to have a kid by the time I’m twenty seven… but Ingrid is old fashioned, she wants the white wedding dress and stuff first.”

“So what are you going to do?” Dana stretched back on the bed. There was a man passed out on the floor. She hoped no one would come in here, but the party had just about ended and a majority had already left. The room was adorned with multiple pillows and there were leopard satin sheets on the bed. Dana couldn’t help but feel turned off.

Andrew shrugged in response, “Get married, I suppose.”

“You sound very enthusiastic” Dana suppressed a laugh.

“Nah, it’s just… I don’t believe in it. My parents got divorced and my Dad married over and over again, like ten times. I don’t think being married means anything. But if it gives her security, if it somehow reassures her I won’t leave her-which I would never, especially if we had a kid, then yeah, we’ll get married.”

There was a pause between them, as both looked up at the ceiling. Dana couldn’t lie-it was deflating to hear those words from someone she was attracted to. But she knew she couldn’t hint that in any way.

“Speaking of marriage, my brother converted to Islam. He fell in love with a Muslim girl- Miriam’s sister actually.”

“Oh. Is that Miriam friend of yours a Muslim?”

“Yeah, people act surprised when they find out.  She isn’t very religious, nor her siblings but my brother became fascinated and quite passionate about it all, more than his wife.”

“Really? How did your family react to that?”

“My dad didn’t care one way or the other and my mom cried her eyes out- she’s a devout Catholic. Anyway, back to the main point. He was telling me that in Islam when two people get married-.”

“That it’s arranged?” Andrew cracked, doubling up in laughter.

“No! That’s not it, let me finish. That’s not even true. So he was saying that when a couple decides to get married, they don’t have vows. The imam asks the bride and groom if they want to marry said person and he asks over and over, I think about three times. Like, are you sure? Are you positive? Really?”

“Right. And your point is?”

“So? Don’t you think that’s great? I love the idea of that, the vows.”

“Um” Andrew gave her a sidelong look, “It makes sense but it’s a bit cold, don’t you think? Where’s the romance?”

“That is it! That’s why it’s  so great!” Dana was at the stage of drunkenness where every statement was a profound exclamation. “It’s so real! I used to believe in the whole till death do us part, for better or for worse and it’s such crap. It’s a lie, no human is that dumb. It’s in our nature to…what’s the word? Pre…pre…um… ”

“Persevere?”

“No! Close though. Pre…Preserve. Preserve! Preservation! Self-preservation, that’s it.”

“I don’t think that’s true. Humans have always been motivated by love and sex, people write poetry and literature and create art, and they fight and murder, over love.”

“Yes, but boys experience love different to girls. Girls are supposed to be more romantic but we are taught that there is a difference between sex and love. Love is wonderful but sex is scary. Sex is wrong. That’s what I remember. I had a lot of fear growing up. I was always so afraid. The word no was established in my vocabulary quite early.” 

She looked at him, waiting for a response. Andrew didn’t know what to say just then. He remained still.

“Right? It’s just . . . oh, never mind.”

“You shouldn’t have been. You’re beautiful” Andrew stammered.

“So what? Who cares what anyone says when I don’t feel that way at all. It’s just…well; I always hear how pretty I am. Always” She said it with disgust and Andrew was taken aback.

 “And that led to boys, all boys, all the time trying to . . . you know, get into my pants.” She paused, looked at him, "My panties. Yuck, I hate that word. Panties."

This conversation tonight was taking an interesting turn, and he couldn’t help but feel guilty. He looked away.

“Anyway. I got really good at saying no. It’s one thing I know how to do. I said no like I was supposed to. Like the good little girl. Always no. And anyway you get used to no and sometimes you don’t even know why you are saying it. I ended up being eighteen, thinking to myself do I say no all my life?”

“And then there was this guy.” And she let out this laugh up into the air. It was loud, a surprise and Andrew nearly jumped, startled. This was a side of her he had never seen. She put her hand over her mouth. “He was so into me, so much of what I wanted. But I went out with him, made out with him, always stopping before we went too far. Always no. No, no, no.”

She sprawled back on the bad, staring at the ceiling, twisting the fabric of her top. 

“And one day, he took me out. Beautiful roses. We ate at this wonderful restaurant, he was so wonderful, so charming. That night he told me he wanted to make love to me, to feel me, taste me, touch me.” She began to giggle “I laugh when I think about those words now-it is pretty lame - but at the time, wow.”

Andrew could not believe she was saying this. He simply nodded his head, taking another swig from the bottle

“And I wanted to say yes. Everything in me was saying yes. But - no! I had to say no. He was in the car, he went silent. Said nothing. I looked over at him, knew he was mad. I said if you love me you will wait for me. He just said, wait for what?”

“What a prick” Andrew muttered.

“And when I got out of the car he didn’t kiss me, he didn’t even look at me. I got out and he said under his breath but I know it was so I could hear it - ice queen, and he screeched off into the night. And that became my nickname the last three months of twelfth grade. Ice Queen.” She twirled her hair in her hand. 

"And then the very next guy I went out with spent all his time trying to have sex with me. And you know what? I let him. I didn't say no. I didn't want to have sex with him; I didn't like it at all. So I say no when it would have been wonderful, and yes when it . . . it's just confusing. And then I get so…wound up, I can't stand it. I crawl right out of my skin. But at the same time I don’t like sex. Sometimes I think hate it. I mean, I like kissing; I could do that all day but… everything else, I feel myself turn to stone. It’s always different in my head compared to reality. I’ll start thinking and analysing and noticing odd things about the guy and I get turned off.”

Andrew could feel his face turn red. He could not believe prim, proper Dana was talking about her sex life.

"God, I don't know what I'm trying to say." She looked at him and began to laugh. She rolled onto her stomach and groaned into the pillow, “I’m wasted. I’m so sorry.”

“It’s okay” Andrew hesitated before placing his hand on the small of her back, “It’s always good to get this stuff off your chest. That guy was a jerk, Dana. He should have understood.”

“But he’s right, don’t you think? I am the ice queen.”

“But you aren’t, you’re not like that at all.”

“You don’t know me.” She lifted her head and smiled at him, her hair falling over half her face. “I mean, you do, but not in that context.  Trust me; I’m not good girlfriend material.”

“Maybe you haven’t fallen in love yet” Andrew said. “I mean that’s if you do believe in falling in love.”

“I do” Dana insisted. “Believe me, I really do but I think emotion changes. You could love someone today and then hate them a few months down the line. I do believe that love can last an entire lifetime but… I don’t know, I just think it’s foolish to make promises based on feeling.”

“That’s just the law student in you talking” Andrew teased, brushing the hair away from her face. “You aren’t cold, you’re just objective.  It’s a good thing.”

“Thanks” Dana smiled at him, her eyes half closing. “I think it was because I was so religious when I was a teenager. I used to wear a purity ring and believe I wouldn’t have sex when I was married. Then I went to college and became corrupted.”

“Yeah, how so? The parties and freedom and all that?”

“No, I mean, well yeah I did hang around a bad crowd for a bit, only I didn’t know they were bad until… stuff happened… but it was actually studying, you know? There is so much that exists outside…. I especially liked how the Greeks thought, it appealed to me… no sin or right or wrong…just about balance. Not too much and not too little…” She was mumbling the words, forcing herself to talk. The room was spinning. She wanted to sleep but she knew she should get up and start making her way home. She wondered where Miriam was. She had promised her they wouldn’t leave each other.

Andrew watched Dana doze, before turning and glancing around at the room. He was starting to feel an onslaught of dizziness, tinged with nausea. He could not remember how much he had drunk. He wondered what time it was. Ingrid was going to kill him for being so late. And he wondered what she would think if she were to walk into the room right now, and see Dana lying next to him. He could feel a pit of despair rise in his stomach at the thought. It wasn’t like that at all! So why did he feel so guilty?

“Dana?” He reached over, shaking her shoulder.

“Hmm?” She asked drowsily, her eyes still closed.

“We can’t” He blurted out, his heart pounding, his vision blurring at the edges. “We can’t have sex, okay?”

There was a brief pause. Dana didn’t move, her eyes remaining closed. Andrew waited for her to tell him that she had no idea what he was talking about.

She woke up, raising her head and looking at him with hazy but calm eyes “Why not?”

“Because” Andrew was trying to remain calm but he was inwardly cringing, he could feel his heart pounding at an unnatural rate. He was torn between grabbing her shoulders and screaming at her in rage for tempting him so badly. He also wanted to fuck her on the bed at that instant. “I can’t, I’m engaged. And I love Ingrid, Dana. I really love her, I can’t leave her.”

“I’m not asking you to” Dana sat up, trying not to sway. She shrugged disdainfully, trying to joke. “You got engaged. You didn’t ask my opinion about it; you shouldn’t punish me for something I had no say in.”

Andrew laughed, smothering the response. Dana smiled before looking away. The horrible words were out and although she instantly regretted saying that, she was not going to take them back.

Dana did not belong to the school of thought that one just went after whatever they wanted relentlessly, regardless of whether it belonged to someone else. Dana had been raised to believe that she had the right to get what she wanted provided that other people were not hurt or stepped on in the process. Given the fact that her father had left her mother for another woman, she had never thought she would be the type of person to do this to someone else, the type to ruin someone’s life. But with a terrible clarity, she now knew what it was like to want someone so much that she just did not care. Her desire for him blinded her to everything, made her oblivious to consequence. She did not care about his engaged status, she did not care about Ingrid. Ingrid was no one to her and therefore not her responsibility, she was not a person in Dana’s life and was therefore owed no loyalty. It was not her problem. 

She was heading for the precipice and she could not think of the consequences, only the sensation of jumping. Tonight she would fly or fall.

 It was the alcohol that had made Dana brave enough to say what she was thinking. The truth was that addressing this would lead to an end or a beginning, both of these things good.  She could no longer take the suspension between them.

“What are you saying?” Andrew asked his body still. “No strings attached? Is that it?”

“Yes” She forced herself to look him in the eye, searching his face for honesty-he was not smiling, she would remember that. “I would never to try to trap you, if that’s what you’re worried about. The instant you wanted it to be over, I would see you free.”

“I want to” He moved himself closer to her, lowering his voice. “I think about it all the time and I really want to. But I can’t, I am so sorry. You deserve someone better than me. I would only hurt you.”

Dana’s gaze skidded away from his face, her heart springing up at his words.  She was not going to make a fool of herself by swallowing rebuffing lies. “I don’t want someone better, I want you. From the moment I saw you, all those years ago when I just nineteen years old… I only wanted you.”

“I do too” His face was sombre, and his words were a knife to her chest. “I am flattered. I would if I could. I’m sorry that I can’t.”

“Of course, I understand” Dana nodded, smiling evenly, the way a good loser might. She had placed her claws in him when she had said those words; she could tell this conversation had pained him. And she hoped that when she pulled those claws out she would leave weeping wounds. She knew she shouldn’t be so surprised, she had already told herself she was bound to fail. He was unconquerable because he was an honourable man. For him to do what she was asking would ruin that part of him and it was the last thing she wanted.

And yet she wanted to hit him - she wanted to storm off sobbing. It had made her furious, saying goodbye.

“Are things going to be weird between us now?” Andrew looked at her anxiously. “I don’t want things to change.”

“Nothing is going to change. I promise you” She moved off the bed and stood up, straightening her clothes.

Andrew followed suit, bounding up, checking for items in his pockets. “So, are we still having lunch on Wednesday then?”

“Absolutely” She replied.  Andrew was surprised at how gracious and collected she was behaving, considering she had bared her soul only moments ago. If it had been him, he would have slunk away, tail between his legs.

They said good night then, deliberately keeping their distance, not touching in any way before drifting apart.  She did not give him another glance.

Dana found Miriam asleep on the couch, curled up in a corner, her head on the armrest, next to a couple who were making out. She woke her up and they left the party, both doing their best to compose themselves. A car containing a group of young men screeched by honking at them, screaming out sexual derogatory comments.

“Fuck you, assholes!” Dana yelled back, throwing the one finger salute up in response.

“Don’t” Miriam giggled, grabbing Dana’s hand. “Don’t provoke them, they might turn around.”

“I’d like to see them fucking try” Dana replied, her jaw clenched.

“It’s nearly five am” Miriam grinned, unfazed. “People are going to see us in our clothes and think we’re doing the walk of shame.”

“We didn’t do anything shameful” Dana muttered in response, “They can all go to hell.”

Strangely she did not feel angry as she thought she would, nor did she feel the relief that she had been expecting. But she felt hollow. There was nothing to be done.