HARDWIRED

Amaryllis screamed very child-like.  One could even say it was almost comical watching the fully developed human life form blindly fighting back a KAT714 prototype with a loofah-like cleaning wand. With every thrust of the oddly designed instrument, the tiny creature quacked, mooed and even barked in response -- none of the sounds native to a tabby cat.  

Protectively roping the shower curtain around her body, Amaryllis peeked her shower-capped head around the de-ionized water sprays and glared at the malfunctioning ginger tabby willing the creature to vanish.

“Get out you pilfering idiot!”  She shouted at the whirring machine. Only to watch horrified as it simply stuck its pink tongue outward and resumed licking the rim of the bathtub.

In hindsight, Amaryllis reasoned her hysteria was perfectly warranted for that was not the friendly hypoallergenic pet she ordered from LanCorp. After carefully picking out its gene patterns, meticulously setting its programming algorithms, waiting patiently for its delivery and finally investing time to bond with the demon fur ball the thing went haywire.  Looped on self-cleaning mode KAT714 had licked and re-licked every surface of her nearly spotless resting habitat.  Mere seconds would transpire before the creepy tabby with its glowing green eyes would be quick on her heels tracing its tongue over the last spot she had come in contact with. The bio-engineered animal had no concept of boundaries and by the look of it Amaryllis was a walking petri dish of microbe outbreak waiting to happen.  

She despised the damn thing.  

***

“Hold please! “

The meant to be calming androgynous voice of the automated customer service line responded to Amaryllis’s hostile inquiries.

Twenty-three minutes had transpired since she’d been on the audiovisual transmitter cursing under her breath sitting across from the stealthy fur ball. It was mind boggling that technology had evolved by leaps in the last eighty-five years but customer service remained just as shitty as it was back in the year 2014. 

Slowly Amaryllis drank supping directly from the narrow opening of the decanter of aged scotch, refusing to use a glass for fear of the cleaning kitty attack. She swished the organic liquid around in the crystalline vessel methodically bringing the liquid to the very surface but careful to not allow it to escape the brim and fall below to the spotless floor. Mercilessly Amaryllis teased the only companion she had come to have, KAT714.

Exiled on Quadrant376 in the Mallegenic Clouds tasked with repairing the homing beacon – something she’d managed to complete faster than the eleven month term she had been assigned – Amaryllis was slowly losing her ever loving mind. Despite her best efforts, return orders and a ship would not be arriving for another 234 earth days. Days had morphed into weeks and weeks into three months.

Maybe she should have been nicer, Amaryllis reflected. She knew now no one back at Base Rigs would ever volunteer to relieve her of the dustbowl rotation.

Glaring at the constant mechanical whirr of KAT buoying its head to the tilt of the swirling liquid in her hands, she was suddenly reminded that it had been forever since she’d been afforded the privacy to relieve some tension.  Urges for sex, chocolate soufflé and a number of other indulgences were now hopeful whims largely thanks in part to the presence of that thing as Amaryllis called it. KAT had surreptitiously destroyed her B.o.B. after managing to flip the switch to on, not wired with identifying markers as Amaryllis had snuck it into her travel case in order to bring it with her, KAT’s encoding identified her pleasure toy as alien and promptly scratched the thing down to useless bits.

“Ms. Vaughn…can you hear me Ms. Vaughn?”

Caught off guard Amaryllis’s posture stiffened at the distant ring of her name. She lurched forward, grabbing holding of the table with both hands banging the practically full decanter on the smooth surface. Burnished liquid erupted and splashed its way onto the table and white floor tiles.

Oh shit! –

KAT leaped into action as Amaryllis and the swivel chair wobbled towards the flashing screen.

“Ms. Vaughn, are you there?

“Yes…uhm. Yes, I’m here,” Amaryllis shakily answered.

“Ms. Vaughn we are terribly sorry that your experience with KAT714 has not been a fulfilling one. We here at Lancorp value our customer’s expe--“

“Cut the corporate mumbo jumbo,” Amaryllis rudely snapped barely maneuvering the chair around the rabid feline currently scrubbing the tiles. “I’m stuck in Quadrant376! Do you even know where that is?”

She paused merely for dramatic flair and when the customary polite silence greeted her as she knew it would, Amaryllis hammered on. “No you don’t! …Mr. White lab coat with your perfectly coifed hair and I bet you’ve got a functioning cat that actually meows.”

Flourishing white teeth creased the screen’s display causing the tech’s face to softly mellow.

He smiled.

Amaryllis sneered.

At the precise moment a very unladylike burp etched its way from her bowels adding embarrassment to her ordeal and sullen state.  She took a generous swig of the decanter and proceeded to sob. It started off pithily enough but quickly divulged into bawling wails and a possible snot bubble.

“Madam, please!” The tech tried to console her but his words enveloped her futilely. A frenzy of clicks echoed from the display as the tech hastily searched for a remedy. After several minutes the racketing noise stopped and he returned. “Ms. Vaughn, I have the perfect solution. We are sending a newly outfitted Hunter Probe to fix KAT714 immediately. “

“Immediately…what does that mean?”  Amaryllis wailed untrusting of the tech and the company that had sent her a mooing ass cat.

“It can be there in...ah three days!”

To his pronouncement Amaryllis sobbed louder.

“Two days?”  The tech tried once more but Amaryllis remained oblivious.

“…okay less than twenty-four hours?” He asked warily.

Snapping her chin towards the illuminated glass that projected the three dimensional image of what one is to believe Lancorp Customer Service Labs is supposed to look like, Amaryllis wiped at the single stray tear. With a wide grin radiating from her face she answered, “I’ll take it.”