Sails of white blew in the breeze, so much of it that it threatened to overwhelm her. She smiled and as she opened her eyes, her eyes beheld vast blue. Blue in various shades until it drew to a ombre green. 

    “Rae.” She turned, the white misting across her face like fresh rain. She met eyes, deep almond shaped eyes…the brown within rivaled the rich beauty beneath her feet. Her heart leapt in her chest and she smiled again. 

    “Yes?” 

    “Come home.” The man outstretched his hand and she gently reached for him. 

    “Home? Where is home?” When their fingers met, her entire system jolted and she felt him pull her closer. 

    “Home is here.” He had placed her hand on his heart. His senses flooded her nostrils and she pressed her face against his chest, warmth and light surrounding her. 

    “I want to come home…” She said softly, a small smile on her face. 

    “I’ll be waiting. My heart misses you.” As he spoke, he tenderly brushed his lips across her cheek. 

    “Mine misses you too.” She found her voice gone but in the midst of the white, warmth and sunlight, it didn’t matter. His arms swept underneath her and lifted her up, away from the earth. Away from the water. 

    How quickly it had changed. Fingers caressed her hair and skin was plenty, abundant in its openness. Fire crackled beside them, the air moist and hot. There she lay underneath him, her eyes lost within his gaze. They began to drink of each other, so long so very long having been dehydrated. He dipped into her very soul and her fingers gripped flesh. His breath became hers and as the drinking became more and more intense, her eyes couldn’t contain the amount of sensory stimuli. Everything worked together, the sounds of breath that grew into vocality…the pure imitation of art lived through the dance, the natural beat of their flesh as they became one. The smell of sweet wine that overflowed and worked its way into the very ground. The water was too high and it crashed into her taking her breath from her lungs. The birds that flew in the trees sang a song quite like hers, one of beautiful surrender. The sounds that rose from his belly fed her spirit and she took of him again and again until she couldn’t any longer, full. Too soon, droplets from the sky fell to earth, washing her, drenching her. Flesh grew still and she felt him relax, his muscles once tight. She enclosed around him, arm and limb, keeping him close…protected. 

    “Don't go…. stay...stay with me Rae…” He whispered, voice soft as a whisper. Her breath answered against his temple. 

    “I’ll never leave you…I promise…Hiroto…” 

****** 

    She sat up in bed, clothes wet and damp against her skin, heat sucking her up in its captivity, eyes wide. Her heart beat wildly in her chest and the river that had ebbed between her legs had started to flow again. She gripped her comforter and bit her lips. Her skin tingled and her breathing was slightly labored. Cheeks red hot, she slowly placed her feet on the hardwood floor and stood up, legs wobbly. Not stopping to pass go or collect 200 dollars, she pulled her clothes off and got in the shower. 

    Inside, she pressed her forehead against the glass shower door, her fists tight at her sides. What was that dream? Why did it have to be… so… intimate and sensual? She nibbled on her lips and closed her eyes as the shower grew hot. It felt so real. Everything from the smooth skin to the hair that had moistly pressed to his forehead… the color in his cheeks…the bruising of his lips…even the way his throat rumbled with the sounds…sounds she couldn’t stop thinking about now… what the hell was wrong with her? 

    She sighed frustratedly and pushed off of the glass. Somehow though…. it didn’t feel like lust. It was strange. To dream of sex but… not have any perverted feelings attached. It made no sense to her. Washing her body, she sighed and rinsed before getting out. Today she didn’t have an appointment with Dr. Gupta but it definitely was something she needed someone to pick at for her. Grabbing some clothes, she quickly dressed, brushed her teeth and dialed Gupta’s number. 

******

    “Hello, Dr. Gupta speaking.” 

    “Atmikha…it’s Rae.” She could hear the smile in her voice as she replied, 

    “Rae! How are you?” She slid fingers through her hair. 

    “I…I just had a dream…um…a-about Hi-Hiroto…”

    “Oh?” It sounded like she had sat up in her chair. She sighed. 

    “Yeah. And um… I know we don’t have our appointment scheduled for today but I really need you to pick this for me cause I’m still like what the hell just happened…” Gupta laughed. 

    “Okay sweetie. I’m all ears.” 

*******

    “That was harsh.”

    “What was harsh?” 

    “The way you shot that girl down. You ain’t have to do her like that. A simple no would have sufficed.” She peeked up at him. When his lips smiled, dimples appeared. 

    “Oh so I should have been nicer you’re saying?” Quickly, her eyes left his visage. 

    “That’s exactly what I’m saying.” 

    “Ah,” She glanced up at him again, her cheeks growing warm. 

    “You’re the desk guy who helped me yesterday.” His voice was delightfully pleasant, deep in timbre but calm. 

    “Your memory is impeccable.” She pursed her lips. Okay so nice voice had a bit of sarcasm goin on. Hm. 

    “Well… thank you. You didn’t have to do that.” 

    “Those cowards deserved it.” She balled her lips, a small smile appearing. Cowards were they?  

    “What’s your name?” She asked, glancing up at him again. He leaned towards her. 

    “You don’t know who I am by now?” Clearly. 

    “I wouldn’t have asked if I did.” The way he talked about himself, she would have thought that he was some celebrity. Was she supposed to know who he was? Was he that important? 

    “Iwase Hiroto.” Interesting name. She sighed and took a breath before,

    “Ebere Marshall.” 

********

    “So this is how you met?” She twirled strands of her hair around. 

    “Yeah. My first day at the school some guy thought it was a good idea to grab me and do inappropriate movements. Hiroto stopped him.” Gupta made a scoff sound.

    “I see. Please go on.” She licked her lips. 

    “Okay.” 

*****

    “Get up.” His voice didn’t tremble in its demand nor sounded angry. The hand of the man above her made its way into her shirt. Her body immediately froze and she closed her eyes. Familiar. The same. As all the others. 

    “She’s so wet man. She must want it.” She closed her fingers tightly in fists. No, just an automatic reaction… her body had been taught how to react on demand. Her mouth remained closed but she was screaming on the inside. The little trees slid underneath her skirt and she felt tears well up in her eyes. NO. STOP. I DON’T WANT THIS. PLEASE STOP. Her mind screamed but as his fingers found her soiled undergarments and began to move against it, she couldn’t do anything but turn her head, blankly staring at nothing. Her body moved, trying to separate itself from the violator. Before she knew it, the hand had grown still and the breath of the man was closer than before. She turned her eyes to the side to see that he had been punched, blood starting to flow out of his nose and mouth. He was slouched above her. 

    She felt the tears slide down her cheeks and reached up to grip his uniform jacket. She pushed weakly, feeling the withheld cries rising in her throat. Any minute now, she was going to scream. Before she could, he was lifted off of her and tossed to the side like a rag doll. 

    “Marshall… are you-” She turned eyes up at him… the one who had saved her before. Iwase Hiroto. She felt wind breeze across her exposed chest and thighs and looked at him with an watery stare. 

    “Did you come to get some too?” She watched his eyes slide down her body. He wasn’t any different. He took his eyes off of her and cleared his throat. 

    “No.” Sure. Sure you didn’t. You sick bastard. Instead, he pulled off his uniform jacket. 

    “You keep getting yourself into trouble Ebere.” To her surprise, he covered her with his jacket and helped her up. He placed his jacket around her shoulders and told her to button it up. And he prepared to go to the Principal’s Office with her. She didn’t understand but as they walked down the hall…she wasn’t sure in that moment that she wanted to. Finally. Someone…someone had seen her. And… and wanted to save her. 

******

    “Hiroto was very important for you Rae.” She took a shaky breath. 

    “You think?”

    “Yes. He was the first person of the opposite sex that truly protected you. He was the only man whose hands did not take or abuse. Rather, they offered protection and tenderness. Am I right?” She felt tears come to her eyes. She was. She… she knew it but…

    “Rae… paint him for me. Let me see who you know him to be.” The tears fell down her cheeks but she held the phone tighter. The person she knew him to be…he had been so many things…so many. 

****** 

    The smell of summer was on the wind and she took deep breaths of the air with a soft smile. Fingers hid deep in silky strands and lips smiled against her bare thigh. The flowers danced with the breeze and the drops of water that splashed back from the bank were fresh and cold. He sighed against her skin and she scrunched up her nose at the feeling. 

    “Rae?”  She looked down at the boy who had become her most trusted friend and the love of her life. 

    “Yeah?” He had stretched out his long legs, feet bare and covered in dirt. 

    “Let’s go jump in the water…” She rolled her eyes and looked towards the rock with the single lone rope hanging from the thousand year old tree. 

    “I don’t think so.” He opened his eyes and turned to face her. 

    “Don’t be a scary cat.” She pursed her lips. 

    “I ain’t bein no scary cat.” He smiled, dimples flashing and pressed his nose into her skirt. 

    “You know I wouldn’t let anything happen to you.” 

    “If your tactic of getting your way is lowering your voice you wrong.” She shot back though her heart beat faster indeed. He sighed and slowly lifted and laid his cheek on her collarbone. 

    “We haven’t been here in a long time. I wanted to share it with you.” He said quietly, his nose nuzzling her skin. She bit her lip and wrapped her hand around his neck. It had been almost a year since they had come back to Nara. This time, there was no extended family. This time… it was just him and her. In his grandmother’s house. Just them two. 

    “Roto…” 

    “Soon we will graduate from high school. Soon, we’ll both have to grow up. Don’t you want to be a child a little longer?” He asked, turning his gorgeous brown eyes up at her. Her mouth grew dry. When he did that… her heart always managed to grew weak. 

    “That would be nice…” He smiled and lifted, his face growing closer. 

    “Be a child with me. Let’s be free Rae.” Her cheeks grew red. 

    “O-okay…” 

****** 

    They ran up the side of the rock laughing. She tugged on his hand, making him stop. 

    “Roto…we’re gonna get our uniforms wet…” He grinned and pulled her close by the waist. 

    “Let’s take them off.” She playfully pushed his chest with a scoff. 

    “You nasty. I ain’t playin with you Hiroto…” 

    “I wasn’t playing either.” He said with a cheeky grin. 

    “You tried it homie. You really did.” He laughed and lowered his chin onto her shoulder. 

    “At least our blazers hm?” She nibbled on her lip before, 

    “Okay. Our blazers.” He pulled away from her and began to remove his shoes. She slowly shrugged out of her blazer and took off her own shoes and socks. Being so high up, memories of what happened began to spin in her mind. 

    “Rae?” She opened her eyes to find his shirt half way off. No. No, she couldn’t…

    “Hiroto… I can’t… not…not after what happened here…” He let the shirt come off of his body and came up to her, hands caressing her cheeks. 

    “Breathe baby…” She closed her eyes and gripped his wrists, taking in deep breaths. 

    “Good. Deep.” His lips kissed her cheek and the corner of her mouth. She let his touch comfort her and she felt the dizziness subside and the sick turning of her stomach cease. Her grip loosened on his wrists. 

    “Look at me…” She slowly opened her eyes and looked into his gentle gaze. 

    “You’re above that fear that tugs in your mind. You’ve conquered it Rae. You’re stronger than you seem. Every force that is against you must surrender to you. It is already defeated. Do you understand?” She licked her lips and took in air through her nostrils. 

    “Yeah…” 

    “Emi was never going to defeat you. You conquered even her. Will you let this rock conquer you now? Or this water?” She was falling into his eyes… when his gaze grew deep like that… where she felt he was staring into her very heart and soul… she grew weak. 

    “No…I won’t.”

    “Mm?”

    “No. I…I can do it…” He smiled softly and nodded. 

    “Yes you can! He brushed her cheekbones with his thumbs and slid down to grab her hands. 

    “How do you feel? If you still don’t want to do it…we don’t have to. But… I want you to remember what I’ve said.” She bit her lips and tightened her grip on his hands. She looked up at him. 

    “I’m feeling like I can do it. With you… I feel I can do anything.” He blushed and brought her hand to his mouth, pressing a kiss to the skin. 

    “One jump. One time to celebrate your victory and your overcoming of life.” She grinned. She had overcome. Damn it, she had survived. He had too. 

    “Let’s do it Roto.” The grin that came to him mirrored hers and he pulled her back a bit. 

    “On three. One…two…three!” They ran as fast as they could and jumped onto the rope before letting go. She screamed and felt the laughter come up from her belly. Just the same, tears came to her eyes. 

    “Don’t let go of me!” She yelled as the water grew closer. 

    “I won’t!” They dove into the water and soon came up, hands tightly connected. She gasped and the fresh cool wind that met her shocked her. It felt just as good now as it did then. He pulled her closer, lifting to place her hand on his shoulder. She wrapped her arms around his neck and pressed her cheek against his chin. 

    “You did it baby. I’m proud of you.” He said gently, his hands pulling her flush against him. She smiled and smoothed his hair back from his face. 

    “I’m proud of me too.” He brought a hand out of the water and stroked her cheek, biting his lip some. 

    “Rae?” There was that deep intense look again. If he wasn’t holding on to her, she might have sunk. That gaze did something to her… called parts of her body to live. 

    “Y-yeah?” 

    “I love you.” A bead of water slid down his lips and she felt her legs grow weak under water. 

    “I…I love you too…” She gently pulled back from him and soon away from his arms completely. She sighed and leaned back in the water, arching her back. She spread her arms out wide and felt the water glide through her fingers. She closed her eyes and let the water move her. She had never felt freer than in that moment. To flow with the element, so beautiful and powerful was unlike anything she had experienced before. Smiling to herself she leaned up to find Hiroto gone. 

    “Hiroto?” She looked around and all that met her was blue and crisp cold. She turned and saw nothing there. As she began to move in the water, she felt something come below her, hands pulling her backwards. Turning, she saw him emerge from the water, his breath heavy. He stopped her movements, pulling her back against him. 

    “You play too-” His lips silenced her and she melted at once. Her fingers gripped his forearms. His arms encircled around her hips and she gently reached up to graze his jaw with her fingertips. He pulled his lips back just enough to speak.

    “I have to be honest with you… right now.” His voice had grown throaty and she felt his body which had come alive press against her. 

    “G-Go ahead…” He opened his eyes and slowly pushed them closer to the edge where all the flowers and soft sweet grass lay. 

    “Swim with me…” She kicked her legs and sooner than later they had come upon the grassy banks. He pressed her back into the grass, ever so slightly sliding in between her legs. Her breath was taken as she took in the flushed cheeks…the way his lips part and the way the air came through. 

    “I’m trying very hard right now Rae…to the best of my ability…” She felt her womb flutter and turned her head, closing her eyes. 

    “What…is…is it?” She felt the grass above her head tighten as his fingers gripped it. His lips grew fire in her veins as they pressed to her jaw. 

    “I…I want to make love to you Rae.” She swallowed tightly and took a shaky breath. What could she say…Her voice croaked as she answered, 

    “I…um…” He sighed heavily. 

    “I apologize…” She nodded, her tongue dry.

    “I-It’s okay..” 

    “Let’s go…before we get ourselves in trouble ne?” He pulled back and got up, ruffling his hair. She slowly leaned up and made sure her skirt was covering her. She glanced up at him and he smiled, extending his hand. Pinkies connected, they made their way back to collect blazers and a shirt. The journey back to the house began. 

****** 

    “Such a passionate, tender and innocent love.” She leaned back onto her couch, a small smile on her face. 

    “Yeah. It was…” 

    “This young man… did he have his own story?” 

    “He experienced a lot of things…like I did.  He tried to hide it like I did but… together we naturally found ways to release the pain inside. He told me things he’s never told anyone else and… I did the same.” 

    “I see.” Gupta replied. 

    “I remember the pain being so much that he got shitface drunk this one time. I found him passed out on the side of the street as I was going to school.” 

    “That’s horrible!”

    “I was mad at him for days…nah weeks after. But… I understood. Sometimes, when the pain grew too much to handle…you didn’t know how to deal with it.” Gupta agreed softly. She sighed and continued, 

    “Hiroto became my reason for breathing… living… and loving. He showed me that not every man was a monster.” 

    “You became his healing and he became yours.” She nodded. 

    “We were two deeply hurt kids… who found each other in spite of it all. Ours was a love that only comes once in a lifetime.” She licked her lips and looked outside at Puget Sound, the birds swirling in the sky. 

    “But… he ruined it…what we had.” 

    “How?” She closed her eyes and leaned her head back on the couch cushion. 

    “I’ll tell you…” 

***** 

    It made sense later on. The reason why he had started to drink… despite his promises. He knew then. He knew…that he was going to betray her. Once she was on the plane and glanced down at her fingers, a gut wrenching sob escaped her throat and the other folks turned to look at her. She ignored them and pressed her forehead against the small plane window. In her mind, she had taken off the ring that symbolized all they were and threw it back in his face. The visions of them happy, laughing and free had been forced to stop and she hadn’t been ready. She was ready…prepared to give him her life. She had been ready and willing to finally let him into her most intimate private space and touch her soul. Out of all she had been through… he was the last one she had expected to hurt her so damn deep. 

    All the times his lips mouthed that he would never hurt her… that he’d never leave her…that he’d always be with her thick or thin… all of it… all of it was lies. The first man to prove her wrong had in the end proven her right. All men were fools. All men only thought with their dick. They didn’t care to know the woman beyond her breasts, ass and pot of honey between her legs. Tears streamed down her face and she pushed her head back against the plane seat. 

    What they had had… she thought it real… transcendent of time and space. But he might as well have hit her in the face, beat upon her heart and thrown it to the ground. He had dropped her in the way men tended to do and had decided something new was in order. Perhaps… perhaps Emi was right all along. She had warned her, told her that he would get tired and bored of her and replace her. Seems she truly did know him better. Someday soon, he would have a pretty fresh faced girlfriend… a girlfriend he was always supposed to be with. One who was perfect and proper, rich and dainty… and most of all… Japanese. She was going back to her place… and so was he. It had been fun. Nice. But perhaps… she was never supposed to be with him…someone like him. Sighing and clutching her shirt she bit her lips. The pain that coursed throughout her chest was enough to make her dizzy and she stayed still for hours after the plane left the shores of the place she had been proud to call home. 

******* 

    “He made a pact with his parents… to marry the girl they chose…for the sake of his family. I guess I never was meant to understand the world of the rich and powerful. I guess he did have some obligations, being the only son of one of the most well known entrepreneurial and existing samurai families in Japan.”     

    “That’s quite a decision he made… one I cannot imagine the pain it produced. I cannot give my personal opinion but let me say one thing. You both were young. At that age, you two may have been deeply and irrevocably in love. But the point is that you two were bound to make decisions that weren’t as wise as they could have been.” 

    “I wouldn’t have cared… we could have made every mistake in the book… as long… as long as I had him with me.” She said, her voice shaky. 

    “We could have been… we could have been happy Atmikha. It didn’t matter about the money or fame or any of that. I loved him. Not what he had. Can you imagine us… having been married now ten years…happy with kids…can you…”  Her voice broke off and she allowed the tears to fall, biting her lips. 

    “But he chose some fake plastic bitch with money… because Mommy and Daddy said so… so he did it….I just…it’s shit like that that makes me never want to fall in love again. At least when bodies were used you knew what you were getting into. I use you… you use me. No strings. No commitments. No beautiful words or promises that were going to be broken…just sex.” She lifted a shaky hand and wiped her tears. 

    “Rae…” 

    “But all of that has brought nothing but misery. A cycle that seemed like it would continue forever. Atmikha…am I a fool for wanting to possibly forgive him? Am I a fool because…I still… still love him…” For a moment, Gupta was quiet and then, 

    “I wonder what must have gone through his mind. Knowing that he had agreed to break the love of his life’s heart. What could have been his motive? Surely, he had let you into his soul as you had let him. Was he truly just a man who only thought with his genitals or was it deeper?” Her watery eyes found the expanse of the blue sky again, the birds still soaring. 

    “I believe that it broke his heart just as much as it did yours. He was just as much a victim as you were Rae. I’m not excusing his actions by any means. I gather cultural differences must have played a role in his decision making as well. Collectivist societies are more community based… whereas here in America it’s the self… thinking and acting for the self. I imagine that more than anything… you were the one he wanted to be with.” She licked her lips. 

    “And look where we are…”

    “Still in love.” Gupta answered. She closed her eyes. Still in love. 

    “How do I know he’s not doing all this just because he feels guilty. He still has that chick… is still in a relationship with her…what if he’s doing this-”  

    ****** 

    “Let me tell you something. You were and will continue to be… the only one whose lips will bring me to my knees….”

    “…I’m…sorry… that I put you in a position where you ever had to doubt what you meant to me Rae. Hopefully now… it’s loud and clear…” He opened his eyes and brushed the tears away with his thumbs. 

    “…I’ve never stopped loving you…” 

    “…I missed you baby…” 

*****

    She couldn’t speak. The words had died on her tongue and she just sniffed. 

    “Rae?” 

    “Y-yeah…”

    “You were saying?” 

    “…I-I don’t think he’s doin it cause he’s guilty…I-well I remembered some things he said just now.” 

    “Like?” 

    “B-Before I came to Seattle…I had called him.”

    “So you’ve been in contact with him?” 

    “Not much but some. I’ve been avoiding him. It so happens that I see him every other day. He attends business meetings and stuff.”

    “Mmhm.”

    “Yeah and so this one time…I was contemplating suicide…and I found a card he had sent me with his number on it…and…I called him and-and asked him to come to my house. I’m stupid for even asking him but he came over. And at the end of our meeting… I-I k-kissed him…” Gupta grew quiet. 

    “H-hello?”

    “I’m listening sweetie…”

    “I wanted to know if he…if that chick….if…” She stopped, feeling ashamed. 

    “I missed him. I’m…I feel stupid because I still…I…”

    “Listen to me Rae. You are not stupid or foolish. Listening to you talk about him… it gives me hope that you’ll make it through this process. The love between you two cannot be destroyed, even though you’ve been apart for a long while. I’m glad that you made some effort… even though inside you probably felt horrible. It is so promising.” 

    “Promising for what?”

    “It’s a great opportunity to let a new seed grow between you. I know he hurt you. Deeply. But, promise me you’ll give him a chance. Even a tiny bit of one.” She felt tears come to her eyes. 

    “I…I’ll…”

    “You don’t have to give me an answer. I just want you to think about it. For now honey, we’ll continue on! I’m proud of you. You’ve done so well Rae.” She smiled, reaching up to wipe her tears. 

    “T-thank you…I have talked your ear off too long this time.” Gupta laughed. 

    “I’m glad you’re talking it out. Now that you’ve gotten it out.. now you can breathe.” 

    “Yeah.” 

    “I want to say one thing before we go…”

    “Sure.”

    “What you and Hiroto have… it is truly transcendent of time, space and comprehension. People live their entire lives never once knowing the deep intimacy and love you two have for one another. I hope that you can push past this and choose happiness. With him. That life you dreamed of long ago…it can be yours again. Don’t forget that.”

    “O-okay.” They bid each other goodbye. Laying her phone on the couch, she sighed and leaned over to lay on her pillows. She once again felt light as air and much more free. She closed her eyes, exhausted from the crying and drifted to sleep. 

***** 

    The rain poured and it pelted against the earth harshly. Today would be the day she found herself without an umbrella. She scoffed and wrapped her arms around herself. The warm humid summer air was making the hair at the base of her neck even more poofy. Sighing, she stood underneath a convenient store awning. The store had closed twenty minutes ago and by the time the door had been locked, the rain had started. All the employees had driven away to their respective homes… to their families. Yet… here she stayed…stranded. She sighed again heavily. Tonight Mina-chan told her she was going to make a fresh tomato and cucumber salad with soba and mochi ice cream. She wanted to be there to help. Damn. 

    “Rae?” A voice brought her out of her grumbling and she blinked at the owner of it. 

    “Hiroto?” He stood in the rain, a clear translucent umbrella shielding the rain from him. 

    “Why are you-”

    “Came for some milk.” She said, cutting him off. 

    “Ah.” She rubbed her arms as the rain started to turn cold. The wind blew around her bare legs up through the skirt of her dress and she held it steady. 

    “Would you like a walk home?”

    “I’m good.” But the minute it left her lips, she knew it sounded stupid. She had been standing in the rain for over twenty minutes now with no fare for the train. Dumb. Dumb and Dumb. 

    “Are you sure? I’m headed that way.” His breath came out as mist and she shivered. 

    “O-okay…fine…” He came to stand in front of her, covering her with the umbrella. 

    “You look so cold…” He mused, glancing over her. 

    “And yet you don’t.” He grinned. 

    “I’m a man. We carry our heat better.” She rolled her eyes. 

    “Whatever.” 

    “Come on.” He said with a gentle laugh. She got underneath and they began to walk. 

    “How was your day?” He asked as they walked. 

    “Fine.” 

    “Just fine?”

    “Just fine.” 

    “Mm.” Silence grew and the sound of rain was almost deafening. 

    “Hiroto?” It was a little bit before he spoke. 

    “Yes?” She twiddled her thumbs behind her. 

    “Um…a-about N-Nara…” 

    “I apologize. I…I shouldn’t have been so reckless…” 

    “No! No… I…ah…I d-didn’t m-mind.” He looked down at her. 

    “I don’t like us um…. not talking. I know I initiated it…but I just… I couldn’t…”

    “I understand. I got carried away.” 

    “Roto…” He licked his lips and looked away from her. She bit her lips and slowly, grabbed a handful of his sweater. Pressing her face against his ribcage, she sighed. They came to a stop. 

    “If… if nothing existed between us…that would get in the way…I…I think I’d have let you… let you have me.” His breath grew more deep and she kept her face hidden away in his sweater. 

    “I can’t help but trust you…I think…I think you would show me what it really is like…t-to make love…” She felt his arm come around her shoulders and press her closer against him. 

    “I’m… learning…you’re teaching me that wanting to.. wanting to do it isn’t… isn’t bad. When two people truly love each other… they should want to. Right?” She finally peeked up at him.

    “Mm. That’s right. You’re teaching me something too baby. That I shouldn’t be afraid of wanting to make love to you…” 

    “That it’s not bad…” He smiled. 

    “That it’s not bad.” He said with a gentle wink. She let out a breath. 

    “I’m sorry…” He shook his head with a tender smile. 

    “Mm. Let’s get you home now hm?” 

    “Let’s go.” 

***** 

    He once told me that I conquered life. That I conquered near death and that I had an innate light so bright evil had to flee. Thinking back on it.. I wonder if he knew he spoke such life…such light…such breath. He called me an overcomer. Even though I’m still…still hurting…I’m becoming less afraid to live and to learn. Most of all…. I’m becoming less afraid…in my feelings for him. I still feel some shame…in admitting that. But my heart misses him. It wants to be connected to his again. I love him. Every cell in my body cries out for him…to him. I am scared. But….but what if I want to try to conquer that too? Can I do it?