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Title: Chapter 5-Who is she

Promising start.

 

You need an editor. Close to the start of this text, you should have 'barely' not 'bearly' and down at the end, it's 'acquisition' not 'acquirement'.



Author's Response:

Thanks.

i know i need an editor but im not sure about how to go about getting one. Any suggestions?

 

 Reviewer: cuppacoffee Anonymous [Report This]
Date: April 01 2013 11:56 am
Title: Chapter 5-Who is she

I like this story so far. Nicholi is not likeable yet but I have a feeling that Laura will change that. 



Author's Response:

Thanks for reading. Not sure what changes to make in Nicholi's persionallity as the story goes along but yeah Laura will straighten him out sooner or later

 Reviewer: AP Signed starstarstarstarstar [Report This]
Date: April 01 2013 03:48 am
Title: Chapter 1

Interesting start.

 Reviewer: AP Signed starstarstarstarstar [Report This]
Date: April 01 2013 03:28 am
Title: Chapter 1

Nice start. Im loving where this is going and so far its looking promising. There were some grammatical and spelling errors but they didn't bother me and I think the word choice can be tweaked. Instead of saying "launder money" why not say its for business or be vauge about it. I doubt a professional criminal would actually say launder money when it is all just business to them anyways. 

 Reviewer: tia Anonymous starstarstarhalf-star [Report This]
Date: April 01 2013 03:06 am
Title: Chapter 5-Who is she

Wow this is really good. Laura is not going to know what hit her. I do like the fact that Laura will not give in though. Mr. Nicholi will have to work for it.



Author's Response:

Thanks for reading and reviewing. Might as well give him a challenge, real life guys have it too easy.

 Reviewer: Love it... Anonymous starstarstarstarstar [Report This]
Date: April 01 2013 12:23 am
Title: Chapter 5-Who is she

Wow, she is in witness protection. Is dad still alive?



Author's Response:

Thanks for reading.

Yep dad's alive and kicking. he's gonna play a major role later on 

 Reviewer: bayoumomma Anonymous starstarstarstarstar [Report This]
Date: March 31 2013 10:45 pm
Title: Chapter 4-Who is he

What better time like now to find out what has been missing.



Author's Response:

Thats what i thought, and boy is she going to have a baptism by fire. 

Thanks for reading!

 

 Reviewer: bayoumomma Anonymous starstarstarstarstar [Report This]
Date: March 31 2013 10:40 pm
Title: Chapter 3-First Meeting

She's a fiesty little one! lol

 Reviewer: bayoumomma Anonymous starstarstarstarstar [Report This]
Date: March 31 2013 10:36 pm
Title: Chapter 2

I can't wait to ss what secrets she has.

 Reviewer: bayoumomma Anonymous starstarstarstarstar [Report This]
Date: March 31 2013 10:33 pm
Title: Chapter 1

Nice start!

 Reviewer: bayoumomma Anonymous starstarstarstarstar [Report This]
Date: March 31 2013 10:30 pm
Title: Chapter 5-Who is she

:) too short



Author's Response:

I have started to make the chapters longer.

thanks for reading and commenting

 Reviewer: Emy Signed [Report This]
Date: March 31 2013 09:07 pm
Title: Chapter 1

Excellent update I can't wait until he sees her again. I love her background being in witness protection that is very interesting. I can't wait to see pictures. This story is the bomb.... .please make the chapters longer or more updates

 Reviewer: primesgirl Anonymous starstarstarstarstar [Report This]
Date: March 31 2013 09:03 pm
Title: Chapter 4-Who is he

:)

 Reviewer: Emy Signed [Report This]
Date: March 31 2013 09:01 pm
Title: Chapter 3-First Meeting

:)

 Reviewer: Emy Signed [Report This]
Date: March 31 2013 08:57 pm
Title: Chapter 2

Please make chapters longer. :) great story

 Reviewer: Emy Signed [Report This]
Date: March 31 2013 08:40 pm
Title: Chapter 1

This story needs more attention, it's great. :)

 Reviewer: Emy Signed [Report This]
Date: March 31 2013 08:29 pm
Title: Chapter 5-Who is she

great update....Question, did nicholi leave club to meet up Tomosoe or did meet in the locker room?

Again, I love the story



Author's Response:

I went in and added a paragraph or two to make the story floow better.

This happens alot in my stories so thanks for pointing it out.

keep reading and enjoy!

 Reviewer: Bredreaway Signed starstarstarstarhalf-star [Report This]
Date: March 31 2013 06:43 pm
Title: Chapter 4-Who is he

Great job...I love descriptive portion of your story.

This will be a very fantastic  story

 Reviewer: Bredreaway Signed starstarstarstarstar [Report This]
Date: March 31 2013 06:40 pm
Title: Chapter 3-First Meeting

Again, very good chapter...sometimes it hard to see who speaking the lines...

 Reviewer: Bredreaway Signed starstarstarstarhalf-star [Report This]
Date: March 31 2013 06:37 pm
Title: Chapter 2

good chapter...only problem which character is speaking, for example (Your Late Laura), other than that very good chapter

 Reviewer: Bredreaway Signed starstarstarstarstar [Report This]
Date: March 31 2013 06:36 pm
Title: Chapter 1

Fantastic beginning..

 Reviewer: Bredreaway Signed starstarstarstarhalf-star [Report This]
Date: March 31 2013 06:34 pm
Title: Chapter 5-Who is she

Interesting...More please. Thanks for sharing.

 Reviewer: Anonymous Anonymous starstarstarstar [Report This]
Date: March 31 2013 06:10 pm
Title: Chapter 5-Who is she

Love it!!

Author's Response:

Thanks!!!

 Reviewer: baha_malo Signed starstarstarstarstar [Report This]
Date: March 31 2013 05:16 pm
Title: Chapter 4-Who is he

Me likey!! More please.

Author's Response:

Coming right up!!

 Reviewer: baha_malo Signed starstarstarstarstar [Report This]
Date: March 31 2013 04:49 pm
Title: Chapter 4-Who is he

That was really good.  Can't wait for more.  Forget about the mentions of similarities your characters are totally different.

 Reviewer: Ricky Anonymous starstarstarstarstar [Report This]
Date: March 31 2013 03:50 pm


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Disclaimer: All publicly recognizable characters, settings, etc. are the property of their respective owners. The original characters and plot are the property of the author. The author is in no way associated with the owners, creators, or producers of any media franchise. No copyright infringement is intended.