I enjoyed the ending, everything felt wrapped up, though not in an annoyingly photo-finish kind of way. It works. I did not like Eric calling her "babe". Their connection didn't seem that DEEP to me, for pet names, at least not ones with any real meaning.
Good story.Reviewer: Die A Mouse Death Signed [Report This]
Date: June 02 2013 10:21 am
This chapter was interesting because of their conversation, though it was a little short. For simple conversation, to keep it jumping-off-the-page, I think more detail would help the narrative.
So far, the idea is a new one, these two disowned children looking for their fathers aboard the Greyhound. Could their fathers be one man in the same, I wonder. Could that be the twist?
Because of how long the trip takes and the way you're writing it, I think the pacing is perfect. I feel the anxiety and excitement, and grating of the nerves from a long bus ride. It is a taxing way to travel but that's part of what makes it fun.
The setting works for the ideas though I'd like to know MORE about the world around them as they move through it. When I wasn't talking to an interesting stranger, I was looking out the window. That could land a little to the story, I think. :-) The bus as a setting as well, faulty seatbelts, a busted air conditioner or the ever-present bathroom stench - which was already mentioned, so it could work!Reviewer: Die A Mouse Death Signed [Report This]
Date: May 31 2013 08:36 am
As more characters were introduced and the chapter length was scaled back, the meat-and-potatoes of your two leads wasn't as filling. I liked that the other characters stepped out of the background but I feel like Eric and Dani were a little lost in the melee.
Their relationship, if there is to be one, is developing at a realistic pace for a bus ride. Close proximity sort of forces us all to be social and, in this case, that seems to be a good thing.
I enjoyed the writing but it felt forced. There were certain scenes that could have been pushed to dole out more info on the minor characters as well as Dani and Eric through their interactions with said minor characters.
There are sometimes missing words here and there, that happens to everyone, however.Reviewer: Die A Mouse Death Signed [Report This]
Date: May 29 2013 12:57 pm
The present tense style works wonderfully here because it is done so right in the first few lines that I could not deny being caught. Being swept up in Eric's state of mind so immediately insured that I would continue on in the world you were building.
What can one say when confronted with death, especially when it's the mother of a random young lady you happened to meet on the Greyhound. In the end, despite Dani's bomb-drop about her Mom, her adoption AND her bio-Dad, you managed to end the chapter in a light, playful way. I appreciated that, as you could have taken Dani and Eric to a dark place!
And maybe you will, maybe that's the rub!
My favorite scene was the official introduction scene, the way Dani was sitting, with her back to the window, reminded me of how I got down on the Greyhound back in the day! Especially if I had a headache. Also, the internal mologue about getting a name after you've given a total (possibly crazy) stranger your property made me laugh AND salute, because isn't that the truth!
There was very little dialogue, a plus in my book because this is the first chapter, but what was spoken between Eric and Dani was spot-on. Dani is independent and street-savvy, Eric is independent and irritated, they play their parts through their words very well.
"But given the fact that they were in close quarters for hours on end, he didn't want to make her uncomfortable. If something needed to be said, she would say it." There are some tense issues, mixing present tense with past tnse, but the chapter as a whole was spot on.Reviewer: Die A Mouse Death Signed [Report This]
Date: May 29 2013 10:40 am
I felt bad for Danielle that her father was such a jerk. At least Eric and his father were civil to each other enough that Eric is staying for the rest of the week. The best part of their journey is they found each other. ThanksReviewer: Divsionred Signed [Report This]
Date: May 17 2013 03:38 am
Please tell me that you are writing a sequel so that we can see that what happened when Eric got back to D.C.? I really liked Dani and Eric I believe that they are good for each other. Now the sperm donors make my teeth itch!! Eric's mom and Dani's parents are cool peoples. We need a sequel!!!Reviewer: pmgayles Signed [Report This]
Date: May 17 2013 01:38 am
Wow. I still don't think Eric should have been so easily forgiven. So what, his father thought leaving him and his mother would be for the best. You still have a kid! You couldn't have visited him once a year. Sent a birthday card. Something to show that you cared? Something to show that he existed? Eric's mother struggled to be a single mom and she raised him well. But it shouldn't have been her alone. Honestly, I expected more of a confrontation from Eric.
My heart hurt for Dani. Her birth father is an ass, but maybe that was what she needed for closure. This trip definitely forced her to grow up and she has shown so much growth as a character. I am very proud of her. If her mother was still alive, I think that meeting would have been warmer maybe. At least, she does have a loving family back home.
I think once Eric got a good look at the man with a drinking problem he decided he couldn't really be too upset about him leaving. He's hurt but he understands living with an alcoholic would have done more damage. He also thinks his dad could he popped in occasionally so he's mad about that but I don't think he wants to dwell on the past. I think he wants to make the relationship work now as is, flaws and all.I don't think it would be in his character to have a big blown up confrontation.
Thank you for readingReviewer: Missus James Signed [Report This]
Date: May 14 2013 01:50 pm
same father? I met my biological mother unexpectantly at 18 and father at 19 so it's neat to read a this.
They don't have the same the father lol. That's spoiler I'm willing to reveal.
Hopefully next chapter when they meet their fathers it will seem realistic.
Thanks for reading!Reviewer: tymes3 Signed [Report This]
Date: May 10 2013 04:14 am
Eric and Dani really do connect seamlessly, it would appear. I kinda like that. They have the potential to become great friends.
Thank you. Their connection was subtle but strong and the type I like to think would be lasting
Thanks for reading and reviewingReviewer: flikchick Signed [Report This]
Date: May 09 2013 07:58 pm
Love their connection; I just hope they both find what it is they think they are missing, or find the closure they need at the end of their journey.
Love the way their relationship has evolved over the bus ride...it'll be interesting to see what happens afterwards...seems like they'd be the perfect support system for each other.
Thank you! The two truely are perfect for each other. Their personalities mash well and they seem to feed off each other in a good way.
Thanks for reading and reviewingReviewer: Amiefuzzy Signed [Report This]
Date: May 09 2013 02:52 pm
Wow, this chapter showed a different side to Dani. I think it is kind of refreshing to see her a little angry, but to see her perspective on Eric's situation showed a different light to her. However, she is still kind of naive. She wants this fairy tale meeting, but like Eric asked, what if it doesn't turn out the way she wants it to? Can she forgive her birth father?
Dani was right though. Eric shouldn't forgive his father just because. Sometimes, people need to have consequences to the decisions they make. Just forgiving and moving on is like a free 'get out of jail' card. No, Eric needs to show his father what he was missing and how he grew up to be a good man without the help of his father. That should give his father some shame because he wasn't apart of that.
Or maybe he was apart of that. Maybe Eric is the way he is because he didn't want to be like his father, so in a way his father kind of helped him ... I don't know.
Beautiful chapter. Can't wait for the next one. Update soon.
I think you're gonna be surprised as to how it all plays out and I hope it doesn't disappoint.
Thanks again for reviewing.Reviewer: Missus James Signed [Report This]
Date: May 09 2013 02:11 pm
Man, that scene under the tree was so cute, but it showed a lot of character development. I like that Eric's emotions are slowly surfacing more and more. At first, it was intrigue at drew him to Dani. Now it's kind of a different beast, but the approach is more subtle. I also liked finally learning a little more about Dani. It wasn't a lot, but it was enough to make me love the character a little more than I already do.
Dennis is such a nice character, however, Dani is right. He wanted to be dramatic and he missed his chance. Life isn't like a movie. That is his fault. I hate it when guys do that. The right moment for them is the past opportunity.
Wonderful chapter! Onto the next one.Reviewer: Missus James Signed [Report This]
Date: May 09 2013 02:04 pm
I like how Dani and Eric have gravitated towards each other. Or really how Dani has attached herself to Eric and he doesn't seem to mind. I hope they each what they are looking for from other sperm donors. It's not human nature to forgive but if you want to forgiven you must forgive, Dani! Good stuff!Reviewer: pmgayles Signed [Report This]
Date: May 09 2013 01:57 pm
I really like being inside of Eric's mind. Personally, I loved reading what going on in the minds of male characters than female characters. I like this journey that he is taking. In a way, maybe he is viewing Dani as a bit of a distraction? He is about to have a most likely life-changing encounter, so it would make sense. I don't think it would be necessarily a bad thing either if he did view as a distraction because maybe his feelings will evolve further than that ... maybe they already have. BTW, Dennis is a funny character, he made me chuckle a few times.
Very good chapter. Onto the next one!Reviewer: Missus James Signed [Report This]
Date: May 09 2013 01:57 pm
Wow, I love your writing. It flows so smoothly and it's vivid in the simplistic sense. It's not overwhelming, but it's just enough. It's personal enough to keep the reader interested. I've always found it difficult to write in present tense, but you have perfected it beautifully! I really like Eric and Dani, probably because I can relate to them in a sense. Just last year my mom finally found her birth father, but he also kind of a deadbeat too. It was an emotional experience for my mom, so I am very curious about how Dani and Eric will feel once they see these men who are suppose to be their fathers.
Excellent first chapter. Now time to read the next one.
Oh thank you so much! I hope the actual meeting for them feels realisticand sincere for the readers.
Thank you for reading and reviewing, it means a lotReviewer: Missus James Signed [Report This]
Date: May 09 2013 01:52 pm