I like the story, it reads from third person a bit. Maybe try from first person? Sergio is horrid. I hope Luciano beats his arse.
Thank you, Apple. Thank you for the advise about the first person. I think I have an idea where to use it.Reviewer: Apple Signed [Report This]
Date: August 06 2013 07:24 am
Nice chapter.It tells lot about Fernando and his family...Like them already.It was quite long too.
TY. Zoe Zoey. Just to clarify it is Luciano's family. Fernando is just like family though. I hope the chapter was not confusing. Thank you for reading.Reviewer: zoe zoey Signed [Report This]
Date: July 19 2013 03:21 pm
The writing seems promising but those chapters are just too ridiculously short. also it is explained that Luciano is part Thai part Italian but what is Jayden ethnicity? Her name sounds like she is latin american but she looks white in the cast pictures. Keep the good work going.
Author's Response: Reviewer: RedHobo Signed [Report This]
Date: July 16 2013 09:19 pm
Hello! Nice job on this story. It has a promising begininng and you have a nice writing style. The only thing big thing is that your chapters are waaay too short. When I started to get into the characters and the story, the chapter ended. :( I know you asked for feedback and it was almost like you were hesistant to write more, maybe? But don't be! What I read was really good but it was almost like a teaser or a preview not the actual story. I'm looking forward to reading more of your stories so keep up the good work!
Author's Response: Reviewer: partial2passion Signed [Report This]
Date: July 16 2013 03:27 pm