So, all of the sudden she wants to have a baby. So she is not only Mike's punching back she is also DUMB.
This story is just a mess; the story doesn't have a flow, from the second chapter foward you start bringing a lot of characters without the being properly introduced, as the reader I'm not able to know who is saying what, because is all in this mess of words that is very difficult to understand.
My advice to you would beta to get a beta and start fixing the chapters you have before you post more.Reviewer: Confused Anonymous [Report This]
Date: 09/08/11 09:36 am
This story is a HOT MESS. It It needs detail and detail to give it more like . Very one dimensional, there is no reason or ryhme to this madness. As an author there needs to be flow . FIND the FLOW and POSSES IT. Please!!Reviewer: Lost in space Anonymous [Report This]
Date: 09/05/11 01:15 pm
I don’t know where to begin so I will say first this story needs spacing because it is so difficult to tell who is talking or thinking what.
Next what do these people look like? There is no detail here and it is difficult to care about any of these people because they seem kinda cartoonish.
Mike comes in yelling profanity at the person that is keeping a roof over his head and food on the table like she is nothing and she takes it. Not only does Kyra take it but she goes and sits in the corner like Cinderella crying her eyes out! I was waiting for the mice to come and comfort her! Then not only does Kyra take it but when he comes back hours later drunk and God knows what else, she has food on the table, house cleaned and gives him a forty-five minute blow job like a porn star? Damn my jaw hurts just thinking about it and my head hurts because she does this while dressed in a sexy teddy and she’s dripping wet like one of Pavlov’s dog? No wonder Mike abuses Kyra because he gets the royal treatment when he does! She then lets him fuck her because this is not lovemaking for sure or even likemaking (and rather painful to read). I’m not sure which one of these people I hate more her or him afterwards because he is a pig and she is the pig’s bitch.
Then we have this convoluted switched birth control story line which is just strange and I could only wish that there was no child because this is just terrible all the way around. Then we have the kidnapping by her stepfather, the friend who isn’t a friend but an undercover agent and the entrance of Dom all coming to slap us in the face with a quickness and I’m not just confused but now also very tired.
This story reminds me a lot of another author with Caramel in her name but she seems to have stopped writing. Please get a beta it can only help.
Wow! That was a mouthful. This is admittly my first written story. So I appreicate the response. I understand that Kyra has not been everyone's favorite person due to her passive behavior. I promise to give her a little bit more backbone in the future. As for Dom I brought him in for a reason which will become clear very soon. I was unable to post pic cause i don't know how. I did give Dom and Pattie a person that they resemabled, but did not do the same for the main characters. If someone could tell me how to post pics I will be happy to do so.Reviewer: Confused and Tired Anonymous [Report This]
Date: 04/05/11 08:31 pm
well this is like a mob story lovin it girl you better keep on hated 4 it 2 stop can't wait 4 next ch. glad U intro DOM N makes story more intriguing personaly I'm team DOM SHE NEEDS SOMETHING NEW N more ways than 1.Reviewer: kvgurl Anonymous [Report This]
Date: 04/05/11 06:35 am
I am trying to understand why in the hell Kyra still gives a rats ass about Mike? That fool put his hands on you and got you pregnant by swtiching out your birth control pills. She is making my teeth itch, please help her see the light!!Reviewer: pmgayles Signed [Report This]
Date: 02/05/11 10:00 pm
Kyra you are a mess, Mike is scum and woman beater. If you are pregnant get an abortion and leave. Great story.Reviewer: Bain Anonymous [Report This]
Date: 29/04/11 10:15 pm
Mike is a nasty bastard, What is going on with Kyra.Reviewer: Bain Anonymous [Report This]
Date: 29/04/11 10:13 pm
Wow! I was waiting for the hot grits in Mike face, Kyra make should you hurt Mike mentally and physically. Good start, waiting for the update.
thank you! Hot Grits in the face good idea.Reviewer: Bain Anonymous [Report This]
Date: 29/04/11 10:09 pm
Well, that was an interesting update. I would like to hear more about Kyra's stepfather. So I can understand why she is so stupid. Is everyone in this story crazy? I feel sorry for that baby, he or she won't stand a chance in life with Mike and Kyra as parents. Thanks for the update, you make me want to read more.Reviewer: pmgayles Anonymous [Report This]
Date: 19/07/10 11:53 pm
Just discoivered this story...
And chica let me say you have me intrigued but I have questions floating thru my mind...
1. Is this an IR submission? (trying to picture the characters in my mind... Sorry I'm just a visualist)
2. How are you going to make us like Mike? (You said that as one of your footnotes in one of the chapters - I can't stand him and I seriously am wishing HELL and DAMNATION on her so called daddy)
3. I just want to know when are we going to get MORE... Its good chica and now I'm on edge wondering what's coming next!
Keep it up... I've added you to my stalker list (LOL!)
Reviewer: spanishfly69 Signed [Report This]
Date: 19/07/10 11:04 pm