He awoke still restless and tired from the night before after not sleeping very well at all. He had tossed and turned that evening unable to sleep for more than 2 hours the entire night. He could not understand why he was feeling this way. Why did he feel so unhappy so alone, so out of sorts?

Looking at where he is now...
He was in the middle of the tour of his life, the most exciting time of his career. He was at the best place in his career he could have ever imagined. He was being pursued by movie producers, the best choreographers and even music moguls everyday. Girls were screaming his name every time he walked on stage. Agents were lining up at his door begging to work with him. Anything and every thing he wanted was there at his beck and call. He was at the peak of his career and he should have been flying high but he was not. He had never felt more alone in his entire life.

He got up and wandered around the hotel room. “Another cold empty place, to call home for the week”, he thought to himself.

He sat down at the table and drank a cup of coffee, wondering how life had become so lonely when only a short time before life was full of laughter and joy and fun!! What had changed? What was missing? Heck he had the life most people prayed for but it was not what he wanted, well at least it was not complete.

He knew exactly what was missing, SHE was missing! He did not have her to share this wonderful life with, this new found excitement and fame!! How can he have any degree of completeness or joy without her there with him?...Sharing in it all with him. How could he have true happiness with out the one who completes him?...The one who makes all the success worthwhile!! The one who loved him when he had nothing and no one knew his name, she should be the one who gets to share all that he has become and the wonderful exciting life that is now his life.

Then there’s the fact that she shared his name, she was his family. He gave her his name after realizing he could not live his life without her and knowing that until the day they died they would be forever bonded together.

Now as his success was exploding, she was not there, they were keeping her away from him. “It is for her own good, she would not be able to deal with the stress and it would not be good for your career to be seen with her too much in public,” they said. They even said she was too fragile and that people would not accept her (even with him) in their establishments. Although he listened and took their advice, he knew they were crazy. People had long since passed those types of prejudices; if they accepted him surely they would accept her, knowing how much he loved her and how much they needed to be together. He leaned back in the chair and began to recall when he first met her and how it was love at first sight.

Flashback..
It was a beautiful summer day. Lacey and I were sitting out on the deck relaxing and listening to some music. My dad called and said some friends are coming over for a while and for us to make sure the house clean. Lacey and I picked up a few things, made some refreshments and went back to relaxing in the sun.

Pretty soon we could hear our dad come in laughing and talking with someone. They all came out to the deck and my dad introduced his friends to us. “Mike and Iris Dickerson, this is my son, Benji and my daughter, Lacey,” my Dad said. I don’t remember what was said after that because I could not keep my eyes off their beautiful daughter. I kept watching her and she kept smiling at me.

“Benji, Benji, BENJIIII” my dad yelled. “Do you mind keeping the Dickerson daughter company outside with you and Lacey? I think she would enjoy the outdoors more than indoors and maybe you all can toss around a ball or something,” my dad asked.

“Sure dad, I don’t mind at all,” I said excitedly. I spent the entire day with that beautiful young lady. We had all kinds of fun, she was small but she could run and play harder than I could for sure.

I spent every day I could with her after that, we did everything together. I was growing so fond of her I could not imagine a day without seeing her. My dad came in one day and explained that the Dickerson’s were moving to Florida. I was devastated, I am sure my heart sank into my shoes. I could not speak but it was clearly written on my face.

My dad turned to me and asked me the question that changed my life. “Benji what would you think about the Dickerson’s daughter coming to live with us?”

I don’t remember what I said, but I do remember picking my dad up off the ground and hugging him so tight he had to beg to be put back down on the ground. A couple of months later she moved into our home, it was the happiest day of my life, well one of the happiest. We were inseparable. Even Lacey was jealous of our relationship. She felt like I had no time for her any more, she had never felt the way I was feeling so it was hard for her to understand. It was the first time Lacey and I could not share something important together.

After I won the contest my life started changing, I was away more and more and more, I didn’t get to see my sweetie as much as I wanted or needed to and it seemed when I did see her she was distant and aloof. I think she felt as though she was losing me to fame and fortune. One day after being away for over two weeks I walked in the front door of our home, normally she would meet me there and jump in my arms giving me some of the best kisses ever, but this time she stayed in her room not even looking up as I passed by her.

I called her name and she came to me, but not as happy and joyful as usual, it broke my heart. I knew she was upset and fearful of losing me so I spent every day of the next two weeks with her; we took long walks, listened to music, watched television, played and ate ice cream the entire time. I could feel her love for me stronger than ever before. Right after our last walk in the park and before I had to leave for my next gig, I asked her if she would like to take my name. She looked so happy…she kissed me for a hour. We were both overjoyed, I almost cried at our very private one to one ceremony. When I left our house she stood in the door way smiling, her eyes telling me how much she loved me and how much she would miss me.

Now

Over six months have passed since I gave her my name and I have seen her only 4 times in that period. When I call home she would not even listen to my voice on the phone. Lacey says she mopes around the house, sleeping a lot and not eating, acting very depressed. I can tell it is destroying our relationship being apart so much but I don’t know what to do about it. I know if I could just make it big enough I could take her everywhere I go and nobody would dare say a thing, I just needed more time. How can I get her to understand? Just a little more time sweetie and it will be all worthwhile!!

Today I got a call from Lacey, she was crying. I was so afraid to hear what she was going to say but in my heart I knew it was about my girl. “Benji,” she started carefully. “Benji, she is gone!” she said unable to control her sobbing.

“Gone! What do you mean gone? How could you just let her go!” I screamed.

“No one let her go, Benji. Dad came home and she was lying in her bed and he when he tried to wake her he couldn’t. We rushed her to the hospital but the doctor said there was nothing he could do, she was already gone,” she began crying hysterically.

I hung up the phone. I could not speak or think. How could this happen? What happened? Was it my fault? Should I have insisted they let her come along with me as I traveled no matter what people thought? Did she die of a broken heart? Should I have given up this career and stayed there and taken care of her? I knew she was fragile and not as young and youthful as she was when we first met but she never once seemed sickly. I was sure it was a broken heart that killed her, a broken heart that I caused. I knew I would never get over this pain ever.

I came home for the funeral; it was just a few close friends and my immediate family. I said a few words before they placed her in the ground and then slowly walked back to the car. Before I got in the car the Dickerson’s came over to me and hugged me tight. They told me how happy that their daughter was loved so much and so well by me and how her life was made better by just knowing me. I was shocked they felt that way after I practically abandoned her for my career but they did not see it that way. They felt as if I gave her a wonderful loving home, one that she would not have been able to have had she remained with them and their other eight children. They said that she was so happy with me and they were so happy she became a Schwimmer. I felt so much better after speaking with them; it gave me a kind of peace.

Before I left to go back to the tour I met with the doctor. I had to know what killed my beautiful girl. The doctor explained that she did not die of a broken heart but of hereditary heart condition. The doctor said that is probably why she was lethargic and not eating. He explained that there is no cure for this disease and it can go undetected for years. He explained that even if I had been with her everyday, all day, I would not have been able to save her. I should have felt relieved by what he said but I wasn’t, she was still gone and my heart was still hurting for her.

Before I got in my car to get my back to the tour Lacey ran up to me with a large gift box. “Benji, nothing can fill the place in your heart that is missing now but I thought maybe that heart has a place for a new love”.

I opened the box with a looked puzzled look. I smiled so big and tears began to fall from my eyes. ”Oh Lacey, I Love you so much!” I exclaimed as I pulled a beautiful little black, brown and white wiener dog out of the box. “She is beautiful Lacey, just beautiful,” I said hugging my wonderful little sister tight.

“Well, she is not your beautiful girl, but I am sure she will come to love you just as much.”

I smiled and hugged that little girl tight, immediately she showered me with lots of wet mushy kisses, it was so not my girl but sweet none the less. I held her tight to me and made her promise. “I promise you little girl, I will never leave you alone no matter what my agents say about you traveling with me and people not wanting dogs in the establishments, I made that mistake once, never again! Wherever I go you will go, I promise!” I hugged her tight and put her and her box in backseat of my car before I took off.

I made one more stop before I got on the road again at the cemetery to check on the headstone I had ordered for my girl. It had already been placed and was sitting beautifully at her grave site. It was large round white marble headstone and the inscription was read perfectly...  

Rest in peace my sweet girl, my best friend. The only one who could see no wrong in me, loved me unconditionally and accepted me for who I was flaws and all. I will miss you!!

Beloved Pet Patty Dickerson-Schwimmer 1990 - 2007