Noah felt right at home next to Jude saddling the horses for the Sunday ride.  This was a familiar seen that had played out many times from their childhood. Their parents bred and boarded horse and taught them everything that they knew about their care. Though he gave up riding long ago, Noah couldn't help feeling a bit nostalgic about being in the stables with his brother. Jude loved riding and even though Noah was said to be the better horseman, he would endure the wrath of their father for going off on a ride astride one of his prized stallions. So Noah wasn't surprised that his brother maintained a stable full at his ranch, he loved the animals.  It was moments like this that Noah regretted being away from his twin for so long.  When he and Samara arrived back at the ranch for breakfast, Jude immediately put them to work in preparation for the day's events. He was grateful for the small gesture. It showed him that Jude was willing to at least meet him half way towards reconciliation.

*********************

Jude led Legacy out of the stables for Samara's riding lesson. "She is beautiful. Is she a Palomino?" Noah asked excitedly.

"Yes she is. Legacy, meet my brother Noah; Noah say hello to Legacy." Noah surveyed the animal for a minute, taking in her chocolate coat paired with a golden mane and tail. She was a gorgeous animal.

"Do you mind if I take her out to trot. I want to make sure that she is at her best. Samara is still nervous about riding."

"A trot? You? Do you even know how to trot?" Jude questioned smiling, handing the reins to Noah. "Knock yourself out."

"Seriously, it's been some years since I've sat so..." Jude watched as Noah expertly mounted the mare. "I need a minute to reacquaint myself." Trotting back and forth around the corral ring, Jude watched his brother and started a silent count down in his head. He didn't even make it to five before, Noah, quickly built up a heavy gallop and he and Legacy jumped the ring out of the corral and headed towards the stream full steam ahead. Jude laughed. His twin was still the same cocky kid he grew up with; always ready to show off his expertise.    

"Thank you." Startled by the sound of her voice, Jude was surprised to see Samara leaning over the corral's gate. "He needed that. He needs this time with you."

"You don't need to thank me for anything." Jude assured dusting his hands off on his jeans. Trying his damnedest not to ogle his sister in law; who was clad in fitted blue jeans and snug yellow top.

"Yes I do. Your invitation to stay here at the ranch means so much to him; to us. It really has lifted his spirits. I know that it must be hard seeing him after all this time; after everything you've been through. So yes, I do need to thank you." Looking to Jude with her wide eyes and big smile, he was lost. He could only manage a whispered you're welcome in response, before beating a hasty retreat to the stables.

********************

"Ok, first things first, show no fear. Legacy is more afraid of you than you are of her." Noah wasn't so sure that this was the best way to conduct her first lesson; Samara was clearly afraid of the horse in front of them.

"I don't know about this Noah, maybe I'll just go help Millie prepare lunch." With her fear clearly on display, Samara was ready to make a retreat to the house. "You know that I'm such a wuss, this seems just a bit too dangerous for me."

"Come on darlin' you stare danger in the face every day. You teach 1st grade. What could be more hellish than that?" Noah teased, making sure that the Legacy's reins were properly secured.

"Funny Mathers, real funny." Still eyeing the horse, she moved a few steps away. "Could I get a smaller horse?"

"Mari honey, if your horse was any smaller, you'd be riding a pony."

"Ponies are good."

"Seriously, babe. It's easy. Just watch me mount the horse and then you try it, ok?" Samara slowly nodded her head, still not sure if she would ride with the rest of them later on. Noah kissed her for reassurance and continued with the lesson.

Jude had been watching the lesson from just outside the stables and had to stop himself a few times from interrupting them. Samara was clearly shaken by the mere idea of getting on the horse let alone riding it. This was Noah's, responsibility, she was his wife; and as much as he wanted to help, he wouldn't intrude.  But when he heard her ask for a smaller horse, Jude knew that he had to do something.  This was no good, he knew that as soon as Samara mounted the mare she would spoke her and that would be bad. He watched for as long as he could but his stomach twisted in knots, when he noticed her eyes wildly darting from Noah to the animal. He had to get to her, to help her, to calm her fears and to reassure her that he would never let anything harm her, shit where the hell did that come from. Before he could even examine the thought further, his quick strides were taking him to her

"Come on Noah, she needs to learn to ride today, not some time in the future." Jude called, hopping the fence to the corral, "She needs the 1, 2, 3, Mathers Method." He advised heading towards them and keeping his eyes on a nervous Samara.

With little fuss Noah stepped aside to let Jude take over her lesson.  "You maybe the better rider bro, but you still are the worst teacher." Jude took the reins from Noah. "Please come over here Samara, so I can properly introduce you to Legacy, Legacy please meet Samara."

"Jude, I..." Samara hesitated.

"Don't be nervous, she'll sense it; just relax and she'll take care of you." Jude promised. Samara walked over to them and he encouraged her to pet Legacy as they got to know each other. Noah stood back and watched the exchange in awe, as Samara grew more comfortable with the mare, under his twin's guidance. Jude was right; he had always been better the better teacher.

"Ok. Mrs. Mathers, I need you to take of your teacher hat for a few minutes and think like a student."

"Ms. Sammy." She blurted out. Jude looked at her quizzically, "I tell my kids to call me that, it makes them feel more at ease." She clarified.

He smiled, "Ms. Sammy it is. First, you have to learn the tools that we are going to use to ride." Jude meticulously pointed out the equipment and answered Samara's questions. "So now, when I'm calling out instructions, you will be able to follow."

"Next, and this probably the most important, always stay as relaxed as possible. Any tension you're holding in your body will make you bounce, and that may frighten Legacy."

"Got it, stay relaxed." She repeated, watching as Jude slowly mounted the horse.

"Now, this is where the real lesson starts. Sit up tall with your body firmly planted in the middle of the saddle. Try to sit on the back pockets of your jeans." Demonstrating each direction, he watched her to see if she understood, and was amused to see her mimicking his movements. "Keep your heels down and knees locked; but not too tight otherwise she'll think that you want her to go faster." Jude quickly showed her the difference in the techniques and was happy to see that Samara was raptly engaged in the lesson.  "Now, if we want to ride, we have to get Legacy to move. Always look in the direction that you want to travel; and hold your reins so that there is only light contact. You want to cue your horse to move by giving her a gentle nudge with your lower leg. If she doesn't move, then nudge her just a bit harder." He did just that and the mare began a slow trot, Samara followed behind them awaiting further instructions.

"Now, here's the fun part." Jude smiled, "Smoothly rock your pelvis forward and back in time with the horse's movements.  As she moves her front leg, rock forward. When she moves her back leg, rock back with her.  Watch me." He took off in a heavier trot to show her the movement. Samara watched in fascination as the horse obeyed all of Jude's orders.

"Lastly, if you want her to stop, close your fingers around the reins and gently squeeze backwards." He called, back to her. "Or you can always yell whoa. There, you're all set. Questions?" Jude asked trotting back to where she was standing. She didn't seem as tense as before but she still wasn't the confident sprite, who walked into his work room a few days ago.

"Yes...do I really have to do this?" Samara whined as, Jude dismounted. He laughed but handed her the reins. "Will you, trot with me this first time?" Immobilizing him with her soft expression, Samara had Jude frozen.

Jude, wasn't expecting that and wasn't sure how to respond. Images of her flooded his mind along with his prior night's lust filled fantasies. Sitting close to her on Legacy would do nothing but send his hormones racing.

Before he could respond Noah rejoined them. "Mari, if it will make you feel better, I will trot with you until you feel more confident to do it alone." He had been quiet during the rapid fire lesson but was pleased that Jude was able to get her to relax. "Will you, honey?" Samara asked turning to him. "Anything for your darlin'." He helped her onto Legacy and got on behind her.

Jude watched as the pair took off; a bit relieved that he wasn't riding with her. Watching them, he felt envious of Noah; though he had no right to be. She was his wife. Samara loved him and it was obvious in the way she touched him, looked at him and spoke to him. Jude would never admit it, but he wished that he wasn't so broken that someone could love him like that.  Seeing them together like this, he was so ashamed for his racy thoughts about Samara and for even contemplating Noah's favor.

"Hey Jude, look at me; I'm riding." Samara yelled at him, shaking him from his thoughts.  He couldn't help but smile at her. "You're the best, teach!" She was so excited, giving him that beautiful smile that he had come love in such a short time. "Any time." Once in the solitude of the stalls, he began his deep breathing exercises to regain his composure.

Once he felt that he could face the sun again, Samara's smile, Jude headed out of stables and down the path to the ranch house. It was going to be a long afternoon.

**********************

When Millie said that her grandkids usually came to ride on Sunday afternoons Noah wasn't expecting that the entire clan would show up, some with their own horses in tow. There were her 2 sons, Eli and Jensen, his wife Jenna, her daughter Peggy and her husband Luke, and the 5 grandkids in tow, Lily, Eli, Macy, Jack and baby Emma.  As Millie introduced her family, it saddened Noah a little to know that he would never know this kind of family bonding with either Samara or Jude. He and Samara would never have children of their own; and he and Jude would never have vacations together with their children, alternate holiday hosting responsibility, or summers at the ranch in Clayton as a family.

 Samara sensed his melancholy thoughts as he observed the interaction of the Gauthier clan and went to work immediately on lifting his spirits.

"Hey I have someone who wants to meet you." Ushering a shy Lily in front of her, "This is Lily, and she wanted to meet the other Jude." Samara smirked holding in a laugh.

"Well it is very nice to meet you young lady, I am Noah, the other Jude." Shaking her tiny hand, and taking in sweet baby girl looks, he couldn't help but become reflective of their situation.

"I have a horse named Starlite." She beamed; I can ride her by myself."

"Wow, you can huh?" Noah kneeled down so that he was eye level with her, "You must be very brave. Braver than Ms. Sammy here; she is probably afraid to ride Starlite." Whispering that tidbit into her ear, immediately sent Lily giggling.

"Are you two talking about me?"

"He said that you are afraid to ride Starlite." The little girl repeated, with a toothless grin.

"He did?" Nodding her golden tresses, Lily wasted no time in giving up Noah.  Samara glared at him but he simply shrugged his shoulders.

"It's not so scary, Ms. Sammy; just hold on tight, but not too tight and go slow." Lily instructed, before running off to join the other children who were chasing the family dog in the back yard.

"Even the 8 year old is an expert." Samara sighed.

"She gave you the same advice that Jude and I did this morning." Noah laughed, pulling her close for a kiss. "Come on darlin' your steed awaits."

****************

Jude watched as Samara laughed and played with Jack, Macy, Lily and Casey.  She wasn't shy about getting dirty with them as they rolled around in the grass. Seeing her with them today, he was conflicted about the decision he had to make; he was still unsure if he should do what his heart had been pushing him to do, though his head was against it.

"Ms. Sammy?" Lily shyly asked, "Will you be here the next time we ride?"

"Of course I'll be here next time, but you better have more kisses for me otherwise I am going to tickle you until you cry." Playfully grabbing the little girl and tickling her to no end. The others joined in the fray and before long they were all back to chasing each other around the backyard, hooting and hollering to their hearts content.

"Samara is a natural. I can't believe that she was able to get kids to respond to her so quickly." Eli uttered in disbelief.  

"She does have away with the kiddies." Jude observed taking a sip of his beer.

"Macy and Jack I get, ‘cause they're older. But my Lily and Casey, they've been having such a hard time, since their mama ran off and left us." Eli confessed.

"I don't know how she does it; it's like that everywhere we go."  Noah admitted, "She swears it's her teacher magic. But I think it's her instinct. She will make a great mom someday."

"Well you better get to work on it then, Noah." Eli teased unaware of Noah's circumstances. "You're not getting any younger."

Noah laughed to himself, "Trust me I know. I'm working on it." Looking over to Jude, who was still watching as Samara played with the children on the lawn.

*************************

3 days later

"Jude?" Diane knocked on his office door.

"Yep."  Looming over the blue prints of the 1971 Corvette Stingray, Jude was busy trying to determine whether his client's auto could be restored.

"You have a visitor."

"Who?" Moving quickly to clear off his conference table; he wasn't expecting anyone but he didn't want to seem unprofessional.

"No one special, just me." Samara entered his office with workbooks in hand and laptop bag on her shoulder. "My afternoon sessions got cancelled; and I needed a ride home but Noah ran off to Atlanta with Russell for the day...so that left me stranded and I just came here. Sorry to bother you, I can figure something out."

"No it's no bother." Jude rushed over to her to take the load out of her hands, "If you want to go home, I'll take you."

"Are you sure? If you're busy, I can just wait until Noah gets back or until you're done."

"You are going to wait, um 3 hours until Noah gets back for a ride home, when I can have you there in 30 minutes?" Jude questioned, looking at his watch then grabbing his keys from his desk.

"Well when you put it like that..."

"Hey have you had lunch yet?" he asked, grabbing her stuff of the table.

"No. I'm starved." She grinned, following him out of his office.

"Do you like barbeque?"

"I love it."

***************       

Blowin' Smoke Barbeque was not the typical BBQ joint that Samara was expecting. It was the classiest bbq spot she'd ever been to. Exposed brick interior, loft style features and an outdoor patio easily welcomed any nature lover. The hostess quickly took them to their table and the wait staff began their duties. Within minutes the pair was staring at some of the most mouthwatering dishes the south had to offer.

"So what is this conference about?" Jude asked, watching Samara polish off another bbq rib.

"The benefits of a charter schools in the urban environment." Was her quick response, as she licked sauce from her fingers.

"And what are the benefits?" Jude choked out, watching as she popped her digits in and out of those tempting lips of hers.

"Our kids need to be challenged more and we need to rid ourselves of the old 1950's standard. Some people see it as a waste of tax dollars; and want the funding used to go directly to public schools but I argue that a charter can have a direct focus on specifics like art, science, and math. I have more autonomy on my lessons. I am teaching my 1st graders things that they would learn in 2nd or 3rd grade and....." Reaching for a piece of his chicken, "Are you going to eat that?"

"No help yourself."  Jude mildly amused as he pushed his plate towards her, surprised that she wasn't shy about eating; unlike most of the women he met.

Taking a piece of his chicken, "You never eat anything Jude, you pick at what's on your plate and move it around but you never eat. I've noticed that about you. You're not one of those muscle guys that live solely on shakes are you? Samara rambled on.

"No." Jude laughed, "I eat plenty." But was comforted to know, that she was concerned about something as insignificant as his eating habits.

"I know what you mean." Samara agreed patting her stomach. "My head says no but my mouth is so willing." Jude watched her fingers rub her middle; he caught a fleeting glimpse of it the other day when she was in the patch picking fruit with Millie's grandkids. She insisted that everyone carry the fruit in their home made baskets; which was their shirts upturned at the hem.  The sight of her bare midriff stayed with him for the rest of the night.

 "What made you decide to become a teacher?" Quickly changing the subject, Jude sipped his ice tea.

"I was an only child and my parents were killed in car accident when I was twelve. I always wanted brothers and sisters but instead was cursed with wicked cousins and greedy relatives. I never mattered, to any of them, unless there was some money attached to my well-being.  When I was 14 I was fortunate to have Miss Harper for a teacher. She was the best and always made me feel like I mattered. So I told myself that I would repay her kindness by always helping children. And what better way than to help cultivate their minds."

"Wow. That's inspiring. I'm sorry about your parents and that you had to live with those wicked cousins too."

"Thank you about my parents; but those wicked cousins can rot in hell for all I care. I lived with my mom's sister until the insurance money she collected from their death ran out. Then I became too much of a financial burden. So I was bounced around from family member to family member until I was 18 and left for college. I never looked back and I don't bother to keep in touch with them anymore. You have to let go of people who don't mean you well."

"I know what you mean." Jude responded, staring off in to the distance.

"Oh gosh I'm sorry...I didn't mean to be so insensitive Jude." A flustered Samara stammered.

"No it's ok."

"You must think that I'm an idiot; I'm sorry." Staring at him with her soft brown eyes, Jude quickly waved off her apologies.

"I'm a big boy, I can take it."

"But you shouldn't have too." Without much thought, Samara reached for his hand that was on top of the table and held it. She hoped that he felt some comfort by her touch. They locked eyes at the contact but neither said a word. They continued holding hands and chatting.  Jude told her about his love of vintage autos and what made a car a classic. Samara told him about her goal of creating an academy with a more holistic approach to learning. They sat and talked, getting to know each other better, as the afternoon crept away.

*****************

As they pulled up to the drive of the ranch, Samara's thoughts were in a state of disarray.  She just spent a wonderful afternoon with Jude and some how she felt guilty about it. She didn't once think about Noah and his illness or what they faced. Since his diagnosis, she tried to keep everything upbeat for his sake; but sometimes when alone, she would give into the sadness, knowing that eventually she would be have to get used to life on her own. But for some reason, she didn't think about it at all this afternoon, thanks to Jude. He had been so accommodating and attentive to her needs that she felt more relaxed than she had been in a longtime. She studied his profile as he parked the truck and got out of the cab. He would make a wonderful spouse she thought and wondered why he wasn't dating anyone.  As she watched him walk around the truck to open her door, she made a mental note to ask him about it later.

Just as Jude opened her door to let her out, her foot slipped on exit; before she could stop herself from falling out, Jude was there to catch her.

"Are you all right?" Holding her close to his body with his arms securely wrapped around her. Jude needed to be sure that she was ok before he moved.

Samara could only nod. Glad that she was safe in his arms but clinging to him still unsure of her footing, she breathed a sigh of relief. Jude slowly placed her on her feet but she wasn't letting him go. She raised her head from his chest and was greeted by his penetrating stare. Her heart was beating like a drum in her chest and she could feel his just as strong.

"I would never let anything happen to you, I promise." Jude reassured, stroking her left cheek with his thumb.

"Thank you..." Samara returned leaning into his touch; his fingers slowly moved to brush over her lips and she waited in anticipation for his next move but quickly got up on her toes. He wanted to kiss her and she wanted him to do it. They saw it in each other's eyes. Jude bent slightly to dust her lips with his; but the moment was lost when they heard Russell's truck headed up the driveway.

********************

1 week later

Jude sat in his study down the hall from his bedroom and debated calling it a night so that he could get some much needed sleep. Sleep, he needed to rest but he also needed to work. He had three shows coming up in the next month and had to get 8 cars ready for the showings.  Yet, his thoughts could only focus on one thing, her. He had done his best to avoid Samara after their almost kiss that afternoon he took her to lunch. He lost count as to how many times he chastised himself for it and thinking about doing much worst. The few times he saw her over past week, she seemed unaffected by it; she talked to him as if nothing happened. So lost in his thoughts he did hear Noah knocking at his door.

Jude had hoped to avoid Noah for a few more days; but now a confrontation with his twin inevitable. They made small talk and Jude continued to work; both danced around the real reason Noah was visiting him in his study so late.

"I just wanted to know if you've made a decision; we are returning home to Charleston, this weekend. And I want to discuss it with Mari when we get back..."

Jude looked up from the documents sprawled on his desk, "I haven't made my mind up Noah; I don't have time to think about that now. When I do, you'll know it. So stop asking me about it, please."

 "Jude, you've had two months to think about it." Noah reminded. "Yes or no brother; it's that simple."

"Nothing with you is ever simple, Noah."

"I need an answer Jude, yes or no."

"You want my answer, right now? I can't. There are you happy now you have your answer." Jude mocked. So annoyed at his brother yet again, he attempted to exit the room.

Blocking his exit, Noah moved towards his twin, "I get it you hate me but I am not asking you to do this just for me... Samara..."

"No damn it! Not everything is about you, Noah." Jude got out through gritted teeth. "You're not listening, I said that I can't... not that I didn't want to."

"What do you mean Jude, I am not following. " Noah asked genuinely perplex "Can't, won't, couldn't, wouldn't... I am confused."

"Don't you get it brother? If you want me to father a child with Samara I will." Jude murmured, pacing in front of his desk, he needed to get away, this was too much.  "But as far as...the other thing...I can't do what you want Noah."

 "I don't understand?" Noah looked to Jude, who was clearly fighting his emotions. "There is no need to feel guilty for doing this Jude. I trust you. I love you both."

"Noah... please, I just...I can't all right." Jude reiterated calmly, "I want to do it; I will be your donor but...I ....I just can't do it the way you want me to." Jude finally looked to his twin, who was sporting a confused look and watching his every move. "Please let's not talk about this right now."

"Jude, just talk to me. You're not making any sense. How can you say you can't but you'll be a donor?"

Jude stopped, sat on the edge of his desk, inhaled and then exhaled a deep breath. He had hoped that once he had completed his therapy that he would never have to reveal his pain to another soul. But Noah wasn't going to stop until the scab, that Jude thought had completely healed had been peeled away. He stared far off in the distance, "Prison is a horrible place, he paused, it robs a man of his humanity and dignity," Jude sighed, "Do you know what prison is like for an eighteen year old kid?" Jude asked Noah rhetorically. Fighting the pain that was seeping to the surface. "What the guards and other inmates do to a youngin' in there?"

"Jude..." Already feeling his twins anguish, Noah braced himself as best as he could for the tale that Jude was about to spin. "You don't have to do this..." Tears forming on his eyelids, he prepared for the worst.

"No I do...you may not want to hear about what I endured for 3 years but you need to; so you can better understand why when you waltzed in here wanting to make amends that I can't just simply forgive and forget. You need to know when you ask me to father a child with Samara, the old fashion way I have to tell you that I can't. The reason why I disappear for days at a time, scaring Millie and Russell half to death, is because sometimes the darkness still has a hold on me. The reason why I am a real estate mogul as you put it, and own so many homes, in different cities is because I get anxiety attacks just from sitting in a hotel room for too long.  I have a booming business, but hate interacting with my clients. I get asked for interviews all the time but I can't sit still long enough to even grant one. I own a beach house but never go swimming during the day; no matter how hot it is, I never take my shirt off, you know why? Because of these."  Jude pulled his shirt over his head and turned his back to Noah revealing numerous angry scars scored into his skin.

"Jude...I'm so sorry...I did this..." Noah sobbed moving to comfort his twin; he was rendered speechless, having seen Jude's back. "These are nothing, they are healed now." Jude waved him off and let out a sad laugh. "The real scars are the ones not visible. The ones I still can't talk about."

Jude fought his tears as he told his twin about his time in prison. Noah wanted him to stop but knew that Jude needed this release. In truth, Noah didn't want to hear about it because it made him feel guiltier. Not knowing what Jude had faced had made his life over the years easier; it further removed him from Jude's pain and made him feel less guilt ridden.  Now with the truth staring him in the eyes, Noah knew that there was nothing he could say or do to convince Jude to forgive him. His twin would have to come to that decision on his own. Noah listened with a heavy heart and silent tears, knowing that Jude had endured such a harsh circumstance because of his cowardice.

 "You want me to share a special moment with Samara and I tell you that I can't. But it is not for the reasons you think. It's not because I hate you Noah, or that I don't want to help. It's... Do you know how many times that I've had sex in the 10 years that I have been out?" Now pacing in quick strides, he was fighting the rage which threaten to spill out. "Five times. Do you want to know why?" Jude asked, but Noah didn't utter a word. He stood there watching his twin's hurried movements to nowhere, feeling guiltier than he ever thought possible. He created this.

"The first time I tried, it was the year I got out. There I am 22 years old, finally free and ready to run through some women. I met Katie and she was cute as could be and willing. We were back at her place and ready to go at it; but to my surprise my pipe refused to get hard. No matter what I tried, no what she did, nothing.  Talk about choking when the game is on the line. Jude laughed. Dr. Dave, my therapist, told me that it was "nervous anticipation" and that I should take my time any try again."

"And so I did. The second time was 2 years later, at my therapist's urging. That time my boy worked."  Jude smiled woefully, "But something else happened...I was so happy that I could...I was extremely forceful with my date; so much so that I...I bruised her. Luckily for me Mel was heavy into rough sex and loved it, otherwise I wouldn't be standing here." Jude looked to Noah for his reaction but could gauge nothing from his twin. "I tried to have sex with Mel again, wanting to go slow but much like the first time... I couldn't maintain my erection." Raking his hands through his hair, Jude blew out a frustrated breath. "So we just stuck to what worked; but I just couldn't...I couldn't go on like that."

"The last time was about 2 years ago; my therapist thought that my self-imposed celibacy wasn't healthy for a man my age.  He thought that I just got overly excited those previous times, but encouraged me to explore some more.  Well this last time, I had that erection problem again; but this time the woman I was with was not as forgiving as Mel or Katie was. She started teasing me about my inability to salute; her taunts angered me to the point where my soldier showed up to make his displeasure known. Before I knew it I was pushing her up against the wall giving her the ride of her life. I was so lost that I stopped only when I felt Lisa's nails dig into my scars. I stopped immediately, hoping that I didn't hurt her.  She didn't say anything, she didn't have to. The look on her face said it all. That's when I realized that I couldn't... I had to control my urges."

Moving to look Noah in his eyes, Jude placed his hands on his twins' shoulders, "Don't you see Noah, the only sex I seem to respond to is the mean angry kind. I can't have normal sex with Samara. I don't know how to anymore. I...I'm afraid that I will hurt her." Jude sniffed. "I was normal when I entered that place, but those animals...they...they turned me into a monster just like the rest of them. She deserves better than someone who will rut around in her like a pig; that is no way to make a baby. She is too decent to be thrown to an animal like me. I will be your donor and father her child, if that's what your dying wish is; but please...please don't ask me to be intimate your wife."

Noah, unable to hold back his tears and Jude desperately fighting his, stood there watching each other. Since reaching out to Jude, Noah felt that his twin was the lucky one; he would get to live and enjoy his life; while he on the other had would wait for death to do her thing. Little did he know that he in fact was the lucky one; he had only been living with his cancer for just over a year, but Jude had been living with his for much longer. Noah knew that he only had a matter of time to suffer with his pain, but Jude on the other hand would have to endure that torment for the rest of his days.  And for that Noah would never be able to forgive himself.

"I know you Jude" Noah broke first, tears streaming down his face. Seeing Jude in so much pain, as a result of his own selfish actions had Noah feeling wretched. It hurt him more than a thousand cuts ever could. His actions not only caused his brother 3 years of his life, but caused his twin to live in such deep pain and shame it truly was disheartening. "I know that you would never hurt anyone on purpose, let alone Samara."

"You know me? You only think you know me Noah." Jude shrieked, "We knew each other as boys, we've never known each other as men. If you did know me...if you knew the things that I've done, the things that I've seen, you wouldn't want your wife anywhere near me."

"Whatever you did, Twin, was for your survival...you are not a monster." Noah assured through his tears. "I would never entrust the one thing that I've done right in my life to you, if I thought that. Samara is the best thing that has ever happened to me Jude, and I never want to see her unhappy. She is preparing for my death, but I can't let her die with me, I need her to live. I need you to see that she does."

"You want me to ensure her happiness, huh? I am so fucked up Noah, how can I possibly do that."

"Because...you love her." Noah simply replied, staring at his brother not blinking.

Jude froze at his brother's statement, quickly turning away from him; knowing that his face would betray what he was starting to feel in his heart. "Of course I love her, she is your wife." Jude recovered.

"Don't Jude...you know better than that...you can't hide anything from me. I always know what you are feeling. You're in love with her and I'm ok with that."

"That is crazy talk. I don't even know her." Turning around to face Noah, but still averting his eyes for fear of what they would reveal. "Can you even hear what you're saying, Noah? You are standing here telling another man that he is in love with your wife and you're ok with it? This is insane. If I were you, and I thought that, I would knock this man senseless for even thinking it."

"If it was some other man perhaps I would do just that. But since this man is my twin and we have few secrets between us, it would be pointless for either of us to deny it. You may not be ready to admit it to yourself or say it out loud but...I can see it in your eyes." Noah assured.

"You're a piece of work, you know that right?" Jude stated mockingly, "You walk back into my life to tell me you're dying; then you ask me to have sex with your wife, because you no longer can and you're cool if I get her pregnant. Now you're telling me that you know that I am in love with her and you're fine with that too? Do you know how ridiculous that sounds?" Jude asked skeptically.

Noah thought about what Jude had just said. Hearing it so plainly, it did sound a bit out there. But Noah knew his brother well enough to know, that it was his loyalty to him that prevented Jude from really hearing, what his twin was actually asking.

Noah raked his hand through his hair, he had to make his brother better understand his intentions, "Let's take a walk, Jude."

"Damn it Noah it's 1 o'clock in the morning. I don't want to walk. I don't want to talk. I just...."

"Come on Twin, we used to sneak out all hours of the night, just for kicks." Cutting Jude off Noah nudged him towards the door. "You said that we don't know each other as men. Let's change that, starting right now."

 **************************

The twins mounted their horses and took off for a moonlight ride. They rode in relative silence until they got to the stream. They dismounted and nudged the horse to the water to drink.

"You want to be with her, don't you?" Noah asked matter of factly, watching the horses drink.

"Fuck man how can you ask me that? Samara isn't some good time girl. She's your wife and I respect that, I respect her." Jude griped; tossing the smooth stones that littered the banks into the stream.

"I know you do Jude, and I know that you are fighting your feelings because you don't want to hurt me. I get that. But, you're right Mari deserves to be with someone who will love and respect her after I'm gone, you." Noah stopped his search for stones and looked to his brother, "I know her Jude, she'll hide behind my memory until she is forced to let go."

"How did things go from me fathering a child for you, naturally? To be becoming Samara's new beau in waiting? What is her take on all of this? In the times that we've talked she hasn't once said anything to me about it. "

"The day she walked into your workroom and I saw the way you looked at her, I knew that you would love and take care of her the way she deserves, after I'm gone." Noah confessed, skipping rocks across the stream, "But Jude, she doesn't know what I've asked you yet."

"What do you mean she doesn't know?" Jude yelled, dropping his rocks.

"I wanted you to say, yes first before I shared it with her." Looking away sheepishly, Noah could feel Jude's glare on him.

"O.K. it's confirmed you are fucking nuts. How do you know that she even wants this? How do you think she will react to this?" Noah remained silent, but Jude already knew the answer.

"That's what I thought." Jude shrieked, "You selfish bastard, it's always about you and what you want, even as you face your mortality you are still the same self-centered prick you always were. This isn't about her wanting your baby, this is about you.  You've cook up this whole scheme without even once discussing this with Samara? You have no right to make this kind of decision alone."

Noah didn't respond he couldn't find the words; he stood in the near darkness and meekly eyed his fuming twin.

Getting back on Mercer, Jude glared down at his twin, "I have been honest and open with you since the day you came back into my life; while you dear brother...you are still the coward that you've always been. You have me spill my guts about...about...the guilt and torment that I have been living with for the past 10 years, to give you the reason why I can't give your wife everything that you've ask me for.  You may think that having my baby is in her best interest but Samara is smart, she'll make whatever decision is best for her.  You asked me if I wanted to be with her, honestly, yes I do; and I have no problem being her donor. But I won't consider it any further, until she tells me herself that she wants me to father her baby; and having a baby is what she wants. She loves you and is loyal to you, everyone can see that.  You may not have a problem lying to or easily betraying those you love; but some of us do...and I gotta tell you, right now knowing how fucked up we both are, Samara deserves better than either one of us can give her." Not waiting for a response from his brother, Jude hastily galloped off, leaving Noah in the darkness.

Quickly mounting his steed, "Jude wait, just wait..." Noah yelled, trying to catch Jude's disappearing silhouette, but losing him to the shadows of the night.

He slowed his horse as the landscape became unfamiliar, and thought on everything that he and Jude had shared tonight. So overcome with emotion, he broke down and cried for the brother that he lost, the time they could not get back and the experiences that they would never share. As the moments ticked by, Jude stared at the moon in the distance and silently prayed that Jude was not lost to him again.