Flashback 13 years prior

"Well I have to say Annie, things don't look good for Jude. Given all that hell raising he done in the past, and them knock out drag out fights with Henry...the judge is sure to throw the book at him for killing his own pa. He could get life or worse..." Mason Newton the newly appointed attorney advised, "I suggest he pleads guilty and throws himself at the mercy of the court."

Noah was stunned; he didn't think that they would charge Jude, because they couldn't find the weapon used to gun down their father. He couldn't let Jude go to prison for the rest of his life.

"Mama..." Noah uttered shakily, "Jude didn't do this...I know he didn't...I..."

"Hush now, the sheriff has all the evidence against him, what was he doing here anyway?"

"I asked him to come and watch me play for the football scouts; but he didn't do this. I know...I know because..." Noah tried to get out.

"Son, I know you want to believe that Jude wouldn't do something like this because he's your twin, but the facts speak for themselves. He was covered in blood when the sheriff got there, he had scratches and bruises, cause he was fighting Henry and everyone knows he got a bad temper. They even found the same type of shotgun shells in his truck. The only thing saving him is that he won't say where the gun is, so they can use it as evidence."

Noah looked at their mother; she was giving up on Jude. "Mama please, Jude is a lot of things but he isn't a killer."

"I am gonna go talk to the D.A. and see if we can't work out some plea agreement; maybe get the charges knocked down to manslaughter so he's only looking at 15-20 years."

"20 years?" Noah yelled, feeling sick to his stomach. He had to get out of here, he had to help Jude.

"Well that's a whole lot better than, life...or death." Mason reminded.

Not stopping to shrill of his mother's calls, to wait for her. Noah raced out of Mason's office to get to his truck. He barely made it to his vehicle before emptying the contents of his stomach. The tears streamed down his face as his mind revisited the prior's day events.  Because of his stupidity and impulsive behavior, Jude could go to jail for the rest of his life.

*************************

Thirteen years prior

"What the hell are you doing here? The gruff voiced demanded.

"I invited him. I wanted him to watch the game."  Noah answered.

"You've seen him play, get the hell out of my house."

"You got it. I'll see you Noah, good game. I know you'll get a ton of offers this summer." Jude grabbed his jacket off of the back of the dining room chair and started towards the door.

"No Jude, stay. I want you here. I want to celebrate my victory with my brother."

"Dammit Noah, when are you gonna cut this dead weight loose; he has done nothing but cause us grief. You are gonna be a big football star soon; you don't need the embarrassment that is your brother, keeping you back." Their father spat at Jude.

"I swear to god pop, if you make him leave, I am leaving with him. I will pack my shit up and move to Savannah with him and Uncle Pete. Jude isn't just my brother, he is my twin, my other half and I love him."

"Don't be stupid boy; you have scouts all over you."

"Stupid is me letting you kick my brother out my life but I won't ever let that happen again."

"You see what he does, he has you talking crazy." Henry then turned his fury to Jude, "You are nothing but poison and you've been just that since the day you were born. I look into your eyes and see nothing but evil. If I didn't know better I'd think you're the devil himself. Everyone's always saying that you and Noah are identical, on your best day, you are nothing like him." Henry spat at his youngest son, with so much disdain both Jude and Noah were frozen where they stood. He then headed towards the kitchen without a word.

"I think I better leave Noah."

"No! Jude, stay. Please."

Before Jude or Noah could argue the point, they heard their father's heavy steps re-enter the room.

Pointing his shot gun at Jude, his father warned, "I asked you to leave nicely Jude. You have 30 seconds to get the hell out of here, or the sheriff will be dragging your sorry ass out of my house in a body bag."

The brothers traded looks of disbelief but knew that reasoning with Henry would have been futile.  Jude nodded in the direction of his brother, walking backwards to the door.    

Once he reached his truck Jude exhaled the breath that he had been holding. He gripped the steering wheel, cursing what his life had become; living in exile from his mother and brother.  No matter what he did, he could never please their father. As a child it hurt him to know that he looked exactly like Noah, yet his father saw him so differently. He pushed his head into the head rest and took a minute to get his thoughts together as he prepared to get back on the road to Savannah.

Starting his ignition to leave, he quickly killed it when a shot gun blast rang through the air. Jude hastily jumped out of the cab and raced up the porch steps. He flung open the front door, terrified at what was possibly behind it.

He entered the house and looked around the dining room and living room; it was as he had just left it. He called out for Noah but didn't get an answer. He heard noises coming from somewhere in the house and moved towards the sound. He slowly crept to the kitchen door, unsure of what he would find there. He was paralyzed on the spot when he walked into the small space and saw Noah leaning over their father.

"I ...I... didn't mean to kill him Jude." Noah rushed out with tears in his eyes.  Jude could only blink at the sight in front of him, his mouth was moving but no words were coming out.    

***************

Present day

Noah startled awake. He'd lost count of the times that he had experienced that same dream sequence. Only it wasn't a dream; it was his life. It was his choice that day to shoot their father and his selfish decision to let Jude punish for his crime.

He often thought back on the day that had changed their lives forever and wished that he could undo everything. Some nights he wept until there were no more tears left to shed and often prayed that both he and Jude would find a way through all the hurt and pain to be brothers again. They needed closure and forgiveness.  

He looked over to Samara who was still sleeping soundly and quickly kissed her forehead. Noah was happy that he didn't disturb her sleep.  Looking at the time on his cell phone he quietly got up. He needed to talk with Jude; he hoped that he was back.

*********************

It had been a week since he and Jude had their fiery exchange near the lake and Noah was panicked. He could feel Jude's turmoil and was hoping that he didn't do anything rash. Millie tried to reassure him that it wasn't uncommon for Jude to disappear for days at time. But she reluctantly admitted that this was the longest he had ever been gone. Knowing that his twin was out there alone and hurting because of him made Noah a little depressed.

He tried to maintain a cheery disposition for the benefit of Samara but it was to no avail.  Noah knew that he had to come clean to Samara about the real reason Jude had left in the middle of the night. Jude was partially right, he was a coward; but to him, the motives were completely selfless. He remembered Samara's state of mind when they first met and he didn't ever want that for her ever again. 

Noah found his way to the patio, where Samara sat reading the morning paper and sipping coffee.

"Good Morning, Babe."

"Hey yourself, I thought that I'd let you sleep in a bit; you were restless last night."  Noah had been in a sullen mood since Jude left, after their blow up at the lake.

"Yes, I guess I was. Sorry about that." Sitting down at the table next to her, he reached for her hand.  "Honey, I need to talk with you."

"Of course what's on your mind?" Samara asked, watching her husband for any signs of discomfort.

"I...let's go for a walk; it is absolutely beautiful this morning."

"OK..." Samara agreed but sensed that something was off about Noah. She knew that he was still in a somber mood from Jude's hasty retreat from the ranch; and she tried everything to lift his spirits but nothing seemed to work.

Sensing her uneasiness, Noah moved to her and gave her a kiss on her lips, "I am fine, I promise."

The pair walked hand in hand in companionable silence, along the winding pebbled path that lead to the trout stream. The lush green landscape stood in contrast to his grey mood; and the smell of the sweet grass and fragrant wild flowers did very little rid the foul odor of melancholy that permeated the air. 

Samara had tried everything to lift his spirits the last few days, but her efforts were did little to pull Noah out of his funk. She'd even asked if he wanted to cut their trip short and return home to Charleston, but he refused to leave without settling things with his brother.

Noah slowed his steps as they approached the huge piece of sand stone that sat just at the stream's edge. "Come sit with me, darlin'." Noah patted the spot next to him and Samara quickly sat.

"First I want to tell you how much I love you and how much I've appreciated you support in my reconciliation with Jude." Noah sighed and took her hands and gave them a quick kiss.

"What is it Noah? You are scaring me. Have you spoken to your Doctors?" Samara searched his eyes for answers but only saw the sadness that had been lingering for the past few days.

"No. I am fine, well as best as can be expected, given the circumstances." He kissed her forehead, a thank you for her concern.

"Then please tell me what's wrong. I know that you are upset over Jude, but you knew that this could happen...he just needs some time himself to sort out his feelings. You know, forgiving you can't be that easy for him."

"Yes. I get that." Noah looked to her knowingly, "That's what I wanted to talk with you about, actually."

"So talk."

Noah took a minute to gather his thoughts and build up his courage to say the things to his wife that he knew no matter how delicate he was she would be annoyed at him; and rightfully so. He looked at her, watching as the cool morning breeze gently caressed Samara's tresses. He took a deep breath and stood up, standing in front of her but staring at the stream.

"Do you remember when we first met at Monaco?" Noah asked her rhetorically. "You were having dinner alone on your graduation day. I remember watching as you got out of your car." His eyes met hers and he smiled. "There you were, still in your graduation gown and when you came into the restaurant, I kept looking for your family. The waiter sat you at your table and still no one. I watched and waited and still no family, no friends; no one."

"Noah....I was..."

"You were so beautiful; but not even that big beautiful smile of yours could hide the sadness that I saw in your eyes that day."

"I was alone, but I was not lonely. I was used to being by myself." Samara assured, reaching for his hands.

"I know, darlin'; but I also remembered the look on your face when the waiter brought the bottle of champagne that I sent over, to toast your success."

"That was really sweet of you. I was surprised that someone even noticed me or the fact that I was alone on my graduation day." She smiled at him.

"Not just anyone, Mari. Me."

She kissed him lightly on his lips, "And I love you for it." He pulled her closer to him and they both enjoyed the warmth of the embrace.

"I promised myself that day, that you would never know another sad day like that again if I could help it." Holding her tighter, he kissed the top of her head. He took in the feel of their bodies together and the scent of her jasmine lavender fragrance. He took in the memory of this moment for his tough days ahead.

Samara knew that as the weeks turned into months, they would be forced to have these types of deep emotional conversations; and though she knew that they were necessary, she was dreading it. But if Noah felt like having that type of conversation right now, she would put on a brave face and endure everything she had to so the he was comforted.

"But now I know that I, I have to break that promise; not by choice, never by choice. But by happenstance." Noah moved to look into her eyes, wistfully. "I always want to know that you are loved and protected; and that you feel as much. That's why I've asked Jude to take care of you when I'm gone." He waited for her reaction to his statement but didn't immediately get one. "Did you hear me Mari?

"Yes, but I don't think that was necessary, Noah. Jude has a lot going on in his own life and the last thing he needs is to babysit me because you asked him to." Samara laughed. "I'm tough Noah, as hard as it will be. I will somehow manage."

"I know you are. That's one of the things that I love about you. I've asked him to make sure that you do not mourn me longer than is necessary. To make sure that your energies are focused elsewhere."

"What are you talking about?" retreating from his arms, she looked at him quizzically. "You can't put a time limit on grieving, Noah."

"No, but if you have more important things to be concerned about, then that becomes a moot point darlin'."

"What could be more important than honoring your memory?" Samara demanded; becoming slightly irritated by the turn in the conversation.

Noah hesitated and paced back and forth. He took a deep breath and looked to her. "A baby, our baby."

Samara stared at her husband disbelievingly. She couldn't believe that he had just uttered those words to her.

"A baby...Noah, you know that...it's not possible anymore." Samara whispered, hoping that it hid the quiver in her voice. She quickly averted her eyes fighting the tears that glittered on her lids.

Noah immediately rushed to her, taking her in his arms. He gently ran his hands up and down her back to soothe her. Seeking his comfort, Samara buried her face further into his chest. He knew that this conversation wasn't going to be easy but the last thing that he wanted to do was make her cry.

"It is possible, if Jude is the father."

"Jude?"

"I've asked him already and he will do it if that's what you want." Samara stiffened upon hearing Noah's statement.

"What do you mean you mean you've asked him already?" Samara demanded, "Is this the reason why Jude disappeared in the middle of the night. After everything that he's been through, everything that you put him through, you've pressured him into this?" Samara screamed.

Noah sighed. He was frustrated. Why didn't they both get it? Why couldn't they see what he was attempting to do?

"I asked Jude for this favor, my dying wish, when I first came here to see him. I wanted his forgiveness and...for our baby. I know that it isn't possible for us anymore; at least not the way we planned. But we have a very unique opportunity to both be happy. That's all I want, to see my beautiful wife happy and pregnant with our baby before I..."

"Noah," Samara interrupted, "Don't, we don't have to do this right now. We can talk about this some other time."

He planted a tender kiss on her forehead and uttered a sad laugh, "Time...it is a relative to a dying man, babe. We both know that if it doesn't happen soon, well..."

Noah...this...I can't" Samara whimpered. "I know what you want me to say. But you have to give me time to think about something like this." Turning her back to him, she faced the stream watching the soft ripples in the water.

"And I wish I could give it you darlin' but I don't have any left to spare." He watched her as she looked off into the distance.

"Mari, Honey...I would never ask you to anything that didn't want to. But I have to tell you that I need you to do this. I need you to have our baby to focus on after I'm gone. I need you to live and be happy and not die along with me. I need you to love and take care of Jude, the way that I didn't. Once I'm gone, his family will be no more; he'll be alone, again. He'll need you Mari and your baby too, to finally have the happiness and family that he deserves. You can give him that comfort; the love of his family, something that he has never really known. Something that you‘ll need as well." Noah pleaded through tears that began falling on their own.

Samara heard the quiver in his voice and his words broke her heart. She turned to face him. She looked into his eyes and saw the seriousness there. He truly had thought this through. She knew that he was feeling guilty for the two families that he sacrificed; his immediate family and the one that he never started with her.

"Noah, what you are asking....right now I don't know if a baby is the best thing for us. We have so much to face, a baby can only complicate things." Samara uttered through tears of her own.

"For the time that we have left together, we can face anything. And when I can't, then you'll have Jude to depend on." Noah assured wiping the tears from his cheeks. "Let's have a baby, Mari." 

"I love you for thinking about my happiness when you have more important things to consider." Samara took his hands in hers, "But, this is too much to digest, right now."

"I am dying Mari...what else is there to consider. Everything I own is yours...do I want to die in the hospital or at home? Home.  So see, there is nothing left to think about." Noah snapped, he didn't mean to but he was tired of fighting and just wanted this one little thing. Was this really too much to ask of the two people he loved the most in his life.

"You want me to just blindly say yes to your demands?" Samara mocked, "You have decided that Jude should father a child for us because you want it and how am I supposed to react to that. Oh yeah, you have that trump card to play, death. But I have news for you Mr. Mathers, you may be dying but you are not dead. So you don't get to make decisions that would impact on our lives and expect me to just agree."

"That's not what I was trying to do." Noah ran a hand through his locks trying to find the right words for this situation.

"Then please enlighten me." Samara fumed.

"For the past year, I have watched you be a brave little soldier for me, always putting my needs before your own. The one regret that I have Mari is that I never found the time to start our family. I know that you would make an exceptional mother. And nothing would bring me joy in my last days than watching you grow heavy with our baby." Samara softened at his words.

With foreheads touching, he continued, "Seeing the manifestation of our love swell in you would make this man happier than words could convey. I know how much you want to have our child, Mari and this is the only way that I know how to give that to you. That's all I want babe, to see that symbol of our love every day, until the day I die."

Samara reached for him and he sat them down on the huge sand stone on the bank. They held each other and cried. She knew that she had to say yes to this; though had so many questions and needed to think on it some more.

She took a deep breath, but didn't move from the spot where she sat, "Jude has agreed to this? Can he fit this into his schedule?" Samara asked, "Insemination is more than just depositing in a cup."

Her mind churned with a thousand questions. She quickly shot up from her seat and paced back and forth in front of Noah. "I mean there are tests and doctors' appointments, psych evaluations, conception doesn't just happen overnight. Will he come to Charleston, how long can he stay...?"  

"Mari," Noah cut her off, "I thought about all of that and he hesitated; I've asked Jude to umm...inseminate, naturally." He gulped not knowing what her reaction would be.

What Noah expected, was for Samara to yell and scream, to walk off, or curse even. What he didn't expect was the hand that covered the right side of his face. The echo of their skin colliding with each other stung in their ears. And her reaction shocked both of them.

"How dare you...." Samara started but her tears barred her from finishing her statement. Before she realized it, her feet were carrying her off in the opposite direction of her stunned husband.

"Samara, Honey please let me explain." Noah quickly shot up to catch her. He reached for her arm and pulled her to him. "Please, calm down, let me..."

"Calm down? You tell your brother that it was ok for him to have sex with me. What am I the resident campus slut? Huh? The easy lay at the frat house?" Samara screamed at a stunned Noah.  

His eyes widen at her remark and he stood frozen. He couldn't react to her words and the slap still had him stunned.

"Do you think that I would just agree to have sex with your brother? I have loved you since the day we met. Never once, since that day has there been anyone else." She cried, pulling away from him, "What kind of woman do you think I am Noah?"

"No Mari, it wasn't like that. I just wanted..." Noah stammered, still trying to calm her down.

"You wanted what dammit?" Samara screeched. "Even though you are dying Noah, I could never hurt you like that. For you to even think that I would have sex with someone else... that hurts, that hurts so much. "

Crying into his chest, Noah held onto a sobbing Samara. Jude was right he didn't once think that this would be her reaction. He knew that she would be shocked at the idea but would come around to his line of thinking once they talked about it.

"I am so sorry Mari; I never intended to hurt or insult you. I swear."

"How could you even suggest that I...that Jude and I..."

Lifting her chin, off of his chest so that he could see her face, "I want more than anything to give you a baby, honey. I can't. But Jude can."

"I get that Noah, but...sleeping with Jude...that's..." Samara couldn't find the words to complete her thought but nothing adequate surfaced.

"It's practical."

"What do you mean?"

"Samara, you have sacrificed so much for me and..."

"It's not a sacrifice if whatever you do is for the happiness of someone you love." Samara assured.

"That's true. We haven't made love in over a year..."

"Not so, every time we touch I feel our love." Samara whimpered, "When you lay your head in my lap and I run my fingers through your hair, or when we shower together, when you rub my feet after a long day, we are making love."

To some extent she was right but Noah knew that she needed more than that. He loved sharing those moments and he knew her well enough to know that her body and soul craved more. More than he could now give her.

"Samara, look at me and tell me honestly that you don't miss the true intimacy that we used to share?" Noah demanded, "The pleasure and our passion so hot it could keep us busy for days. The feeling of being loved so thoroughly and completely that after we make love, we are both too weak to do anything other than hold each other. Waking up to slow sensuous lovin' each morning or going to bed exhausted from the same. I love you woman and I can't bear the thought of watching my beautiful, sexy, loving wife wither away because I can't give her the special time and attention that she needs. But I trust my brother enough to share that with you Mari. Jude can...."

"Stop it, stop it, stop!!!" Samara sobbed, "Damn you Noah! Stop this crazy talk right now."

She couldn't believe what Noah was saying. Her husband was standing there giving her the ok to sleep with another man, not just any man, his brother Jude.  

"Those things aren't important, not now. You are the most important thing in my life." Samara hoped that she sounded more convincing to him than she did to herself.

"Don't you see Mari, those things are important. You are too young to have your passion and desire snubbed out, because of my illness."

This was too much. The tears poured faster than she could wipe them away. Noah was serious and she knew that it must have been extremely difficult for him to contemplate something of this magnitude, let alone deciding to share it with both her and Jude. She stared into his golden eyes and saw so much there; hurt, pain, regret, but most of all love. It was the love that she saw in in them that was her undoing.

She cried harder when he reached for her and told her that they would work everything out; his only concern was her wellbeing. Hearing that broke her heart a little, because not only did she feel guilty that she had previous sexual thoughts of Jude; but that her husband had easily seen through her façade. She did indeed miss the intimacy and the intense loving making that they shared. She had tried so hard to hide the feelings that he so aptly described because she knew that as a man it was difficult for him to admit that he could no longer satisfy his wife the way he wanted to, the way he used to.

Noah and Samara sat at the stream holding each other as the morning slowing turned into afternoon.

**************

A few days later

Noah had endured several chilly nights lying next to Samara. She was still a little angry with him, but as Samara had more time to her herself to think on his position, the better she came to understand his reasoning. She always told him that she was alone but she never felt lonely; but upon reflection, she knew that it was a lie. She had been lonely all of those years on her own and Noah had been the spark of light she needed to brighten her life. Facing the possibility of darkness again, she knew that he was right. She would retreat back to that place of isolation.

Honestly, the thought of Jude in her life made her smile. That afternoon that she almost kissed him plagued her for days and she had almost confessed as much to Noah, but didn't; she didn't want to upset his already strained relationship with his brother.  But now, after talking with him, the thought of having Jude's baby actually warmed her heart and that scared her more that she could admit to either man. Was it possible to be in love with two very different men at the same time? She wasn't ready to explore that possibility; just yet.

She loved and adored Noah, but Jude was slowly creeping into her heart. There was something between them, she felt it the moment they met and it had been tugging at her ever since. Initially she chalked it up to, seeing him as the living, breathing, healthy alternative to her dying husband; but the more time she spent with him, she realized that it was more than that. She came to see him as more than just her husband's twin; she saw him for the man that he was, a loving, loyal, caring and giving person who was very easy to love. 

Samara knew what she had to do. Even before that morning with Noah, for some reason she couldn't explain, she was determined to be the one who would comfort Jude and reassure him that it would get better once Noah passed. And it was also important to her, that he saw her as his remaining family. Samara knew that he felt abandoned by his own all those years ago; and she could easily relate to that feeling, having lived through a similar experience after the death of her parents.

Noah told her the decision was hers to make and for Samara on the surface it seemed that it was an easy one. Noah wanted the love of his pregnant wife before he died and Jude would need the love of his family to help him live. She wasn't ready to admit it but she had seriously started to consider his proposal and hoped that her choice was one that they could all live with.

*************************

Samara was on her way back to the ranch house after gathering fruits and vegetables for the evening meal, when she spotted him.

Noah was stretched out on the grass with his hands behind his head. His heart was in the right place and it was hard to stay mad, Samara thought as she watched him.  She placed her basket of goodies down on the ground and kicked off her shoes.

"What are you doing?"

"Cloud gazing." Was Noah's easy response.

Samara looked up towards the cerulean sky which peeked out between the green thickness of the giant trees, dotting the landscape; she quickly got down on the sweet grass to lay next him. The sun's afternoon rays danced over the picturesque montage as Samara and Noah lay starring upwards. The pair watched as the clouds rolled by effortlessly; the fluffy patches moved in slow motion and brought back memories of days gone by.

"When Jude and I were younger we used to lie out in the backyard and spend hours just watching the clouds as they rolled by. We got into so many arguments over whether it was possible to feel a cloud's texture; or whether clouds are individuals or a collective group; or if we could actually follow a cloud on its day's journey."

Noah turned to face Samara, "Some people think that cloud gazing is for kids but more of us adults should engage in it. It is the perfect de-stressor. Watching the clouds magically appear and disappear has such a peaceful effect on your psyche that you can actually feel the dis-ease, stress and uneasiness leave your body. It is hypnotic and can put you in a perfect state of calmness, free from any agitation, excitement, or disturbances."

Gazing into his eyes, Samara reached for his hands, "Wow, when you verbalize it like that, it sounds so..."

"Gay." Jude finished in amusement.

Samara and Noah quickly sat up at the sound of his voice; surprised to see him leaning against the big oak watching them.