Forbidden Love

Langston looked down at the childish writing on the first page of Mavis' mother's notebook.

My name is Lilly Jackson. Ima be 14 soon. I git dis nice buk from Mr. Oxfa. He be a kine man not lik Mr. Emit. I hate him. He don let me go to skool. Mr. Emit teez me in front of Mr. Oxfa an say Ise stupid. He say colerd people stupid an can't learn.He say skool a wase of time fo a dum girl like me.  I try not to cry. I hangs my head an leave the rum. Mr. Oxfa foun me by the zebo and tol me not to cry. He wipe my face wid his kerchef. He say I not stupid, he say Mr. Emit stupid but it be our secret. I laff at him. I feel betta afta he say dat. Mr. Oxfa tol me to writ my feelin in dis buk he gave me to help me writ betta. He say he hep me to read and writ betta. He say Mr. Emit wrong bout me. I see his eys up close and they be gray lik a stormy day. Dey look more stormy when he talk bout Mr. Emit. I like dat.

Langston smiled to himself. Lilly was calling him Mr. Oxford so they must not be involved at this point. Maybe the relationship started out as a friendship, but he still couldn't understand why his father who would have been thirty five would get involved with such a young girl.

Decemba 25, 1944

Mr Oxford came to be with us fo de holday. He bot me a gif of a dikshunary and a red writn book. I showed him what I rote befo and he tol me not to hate Mr. Emit but I cant help it. He say date my writn so I kin member so I put date first. He say I do my best an that make Mr. Emit wrong bout me. He say he help me lik I in skool. I lik Mr. Oxford a lot. He taks time an help me lern. He make me reed to him when he not wid Mr. Emit doin bisness.I tell him I go to 3 grade an dat Mr Emit say law say colerd chiren don hav to go skool pas 12. Ms. Trudy say Mr. Oxford is impotant man in Washton and he be nice to help me. She glad cuz she fite wid Mr. Emit all de time bout me not goin skool. Mr. Emit say he pay fo me to wuk not lern.  Ms Trudy be mad all de time wid him cuz she my godyun but he got de mony. Mr. Oxford tell Ms. Trudy he hep me and she glad. Ise made him a scarf fo his Chrismas present.. He like it an say he promise to wear it an think of me.

Langston read a few more entries from Lilly where she talked about Mr. Emit being mean to her and how Trudy Matheson took care of her. Langston wondered how she came to be with the Mathesons in the first place. Where were her parents? He saw a few heart drawings with her initials and his father's in the center of the heart. It was obvious that a school girl crush had developed because his father was spending time with Lilly.

May 26, 1945

I herd Mr. Emit sayn that Mr. Oxford was coming. I don no why my heart beat so fas. I want to call him Langston but Ise afraid Ise gwine get slapped by Mr. Emit ifn he her me. When Langston was here befo I sat nex to him when he help me wit my writn an I cud smell him. He smell nice an I tell him so an he smile. He don't smile much cuz he miss his wife. I don lik to see him sad. He be a wite man an I no I not de one fo him but I can dreem. I almos 15 n lots of colered girls git marrd at 15. Langston he real smart an he don talk down to me. He talk to me lik a real persen. I'd run way iffen it wasnt for Langston an Miss Trudy. She be only few years oller than me but she good to me since Mama died. I luv Miss Trudy an Mr. Alvin nice too. Don't no why Mr. Emit so mean an crazy. Maybe he need nother wife but no one mus want him.

June 12, 1945

Langston is here. I try not to be too happy roun Mr. Emit cuz heed teez me in front of Langston to make me feel bad agin. I serv dem lunch in de big office. Dey was in the big office all day meetn and Langston he be tied when he cum out. I fix him suppa an take it to his room. I sit on de bed nex to him n my heart beat fast. I show him my buk. He saw de hart I dru wid us in it. He say he an ol man an ise shud fine a colerd boy to like. I tell him ya cant tell ya hart who to luv an he smile. I lik his smile. He say he too ol fo me. I say he jus rite fo me. He turn red an look way but I no he pleased. I ask iffn he gots a woman an he say no. Ise happy bout that.

June 15, 1945

Langston in meetn all day wid Mr. Emit. He not in his room when I take him his suppa so I go lookn fo him. I fine him in the zebo. His eys red cuz he ben cryn an ise askn him what wrung and he say its his dead wife bifday I no he miss her.. I don't lik to see him cryin so I kiss him. He push me way an I kiss him agin an tell him I luv him. He kiss me bak then he push me away and leave me at the zebo an go to his rum. He cryn fo his wife but her dead. Ise alive. I no he like me too but he got a storm inside him. I kin wait fo him to sort it out.

Langston was somewhat surprised to read that Lilly had chased after his father…not that he condoned his father's behavior, but still….it wasn't as bad as Mavis thought. His father was grieving over his mother. In 1945 he was just a toddler himself. Most likely his father had left him with a nanny. His mother died shortly after he was born. At least he knew that he did love his mother and that gave Langston some comfort. He continued to read.

June 18, 1945

Langston been voiding me. I fine him agin at the zebo an it be afta 9. He say he shudna kiss me bak de otha nite. He say Ise still a chile even tho I ack an look like a woman. I say Ise a woman not a chile. I say I brave nuf to luv him issn he brave nuf to luv me? He don say nuttn an den he smile. I lik his smile. He tole me to keep writn and learnin and he say I not dum lik Mr. Emit say. He say I reel smart and reel pretty. He want me to read dictionary more so I kin spell better. He say I hav butiful skin lik choklate. I lik that. His gray eys git stormy agin and I no he want me too. I kiss him again an he don't push me back this time. He hol me tite and I tase his tong and he tase mine. I git all hot lik I'm on fire. Langston he git hot too. I neva been wid a man befo an tol him so. He tol me I shud wait fo someone spesha. I say he spesha. I want him. I no bout man and woman. I see he want me. He tried to hide it wid his han, but I see. My buzum is full an roun and I see him lookn at me when he think I don't see. He be goin back to his home day afta morro. Iffin I cant go back wid him, den I want him wile he be here.

Langston found himself engrossed in Lilly's writings. He could see an improvement in her handwriting from when she first started. Apparently his father had been helping her whenever he came to the Matheson home. It was obvious to Langston that the two of them were attracted to one another and it seemed that Lilly was determined to get her man.

June 20, 1945

Langston didn't leave today lik he said cuz Mr. Emit tole him to stay one mo nite. Ise glad. Fo the first time Mr. Emit make me happy. I wait at the zebo fo Langston an he come after it is dark. He sez Mr. Emit go drive him to the train stashun. I tol him I gone miss him something ferce. He smile and say he gone miss me too. I go to my rum an I think of him cuz he push me back at the zebo agin when I kiss him. I feel him agin me when we kiss. I git brave and tuch him dere an he jump. He say no to me but I kin tell he mean yes. I no Ise yunger but I no he de one fo me. He say I need be sure an I say I sure. I go to his rum an he be sitn on the bed. I sit nex to him an I say I reddy. He say he 30 an too ol fo me.  I say I love no one but him. I say I no da man shud do the chasen but he be leavn in da mornin. I undress and he watch. He don stop me. His eys like gray fire. He kiss me all ova. I didn no peple kiss like dat. He say he not feel lik this since befo his wife died. I neva felt like dis befo. I feel his hart beatn wid mine when he join wid me. He maken happy moans dat make me burn all ova. Ise happy I kin make him happy.

December 21, 1945

Langston came today. I am so happy. I haven't seen him since the summer. I been studying the dictionary real hard so he can be proud of me. He say he is proud of me. I been writing too and he say it much better. He say I make him proud.

He ask if I fin nother man an I say he my man. He say he feel gilty cuz I so much yunger.  I say no need to be gilty cuz I love him.

I told him that I think about that night we first be together before I go to sleep each night. I tell him that I dream of him being beside me in bed and him being in side me. When he inside me I say we be one like man and wife. I say I like his moan when he make luv to me. His face turn red. I laugh and kiss him when we be by ourself. Cissy scold me about Langston saying it not proper to be with a white man. She say he have white woman in Va to try to upset me. I say I don't care even though I do. Langston say he not want no one else and I believe him. I go to him at nite. I say I love him and he say he love me too. His hair is dark brown on his head and on his body. His skin is real pale ginst mine that is so dark. He say we butiful together. I think he right.

Langston closed the book and rubbed his eyes. Well according to her writings she was fifteen by the time they slept together. Still that was too young and a thirty five year old man should have known better.

He sighed and wondered how Mavis was going to take all of this when he returned to Baltimore.

Iris took a deep breath as she parked outside of the bakery. She walked in and saw Matheson behind the counter. It was five minutes before closing and the store was virtually empty just like she hoped.

"Hello Matheson" she said.

Matheson looked up and for a moment she could tell that her face didn't register in his memory. He then recognized her and broke out into a smile.

"Iris! How have you been?" He came around the counter giving her a quick hug.

"I'm fine" she said returning his smile.

"What brings you here?" Matheson asked releasing her.

"I came to see you." Iris replied.

"Really?" Matheson responded watching her curiously. "What about?"

"About us" she said reaching up to him and putting her arms around his neck. She pressed her body against his.

Matheson backed up and reached up and removed her arms from around his neck.

"Hold on a minute, Iris. You might not know this, but I'm engaged." He backed up from her and walked back around the counter and began wiping it off with a rag.

Iris smiled back at him. "Oh really"

"Yeah" Matheson replied. "Besides, what ever happened to Jerry or Terry or whatever his name was that you cheated on me with?"

Iris sat down and Matheson suddenly wished that she would just leave.

"I only went to him because you were neglecting me as I recall." she said examining her nails.

Matheson came from around the counter and took off his apron and chef's hat. "Relationships are built on more than sex, Iris. I admit that I let you down, but why not talk about it? Why would you just run off and screw someone else?"

"I admit I was stupid" Iris confessed "But that's water under the bridge now."

Matheson shook his head. "I'm in love with someone else. I'm sorry Iris. I've moved on and so should you."

"Does she have a low sex drive or something?" Iris said "Or was it me? You were no longer attracted to me, right?"

Matheson sighed. "That wasn't it. I admit our relationship failure was a lot of my fault. I thought we parted as friends. Let's just keep it that way."

"Oh well, I tried" Iris said standing. "I kept my end of the bargain, so I'll go."

She headed for the door and Matheson quickly reached over her and slammed it shut preventing her exit. "What do you mean by that?" he snapped. "What bargain?"

"Your grandfather paid me to come back here and try to seduce you and you know what? I'm glad I failed" Iris replied laughing. She looked at Matheson. "Look, he thinks you picked the wrong girl and that I'm the right girl. Well I was flattered by his remark, but my heart wasn't in it. He paid off my debt and helped me with Doug's tuition. So doing this was a small price to pay. "

Matheson was shocked. "You've got to be kidding! My grandfather paid you to come here and try to seduce me!"

"Yes and since I've already cashed his check, I don't mind telling you. I think he's crazy myself." Iris pulled on her skirt straightening it and put her bag on her shoulder.

Matheson was furious at his grandfather's antics. How could he do such a thing? He looked at Iris. He really couldn't be mad at her. Who wouldn't have done what she did to get out of debt? He had to think about what he was going to do to his grandfather.

"How much did he pay you for this little charade?" Matheson asked.

"Twenty five thousand dollars" Iris replied grinning.

"Well I'm going to give you another twenty five thousand to go back to him and tell him that I told you that I had already eloped with Val because she's pregnant with twins. Tell him I'm keeping the news from my family until an appropriate time. Let's see how he likes them apples!"

Iris began to laugh. "You're just as crazy as he is!"

"You got that right" Matheson snapped holding the door open for her.

Langston continued to read Lilly's writings over the next few weeks between his sessions in the Senate. He half expected Mavis to try to contact him, but she never did. he knew that she was waiting for him to contact her. He read and reread the letters and then traveled back to his father's house in search of more information. There had to be more. He did discover a note that he'd overlooked earlier regarding the money in the envelope. It seems it was the money that Lilly had returned to him for Mavis. He would take it to Mavis when he returned to Baltimore. He picked up the journal and began to read again.

Janaury 15, 1947

I cried a lot last night. I miss Langston so much. He stayed a whole month here between Thanksgiving and Christmas. He told me that Mr. Emit knows about us. He saw us kiss at the zebo. I was scared but Langston say it be alright.

I tole him that I am sure that I gone to have his baby. I tole him I want to come to Va wid him and be wid him at his home. He say he cant do that. I tole him what Cissy keep sayn that he have a woman there. He say he has only his son. He say he luv me but I can't come. I don't understand. I tell him I won't say nuthin, but he say no. He want me to understand but I dont want to understand.

Ms. Trudy is really mad bout all this. She say Langston take vantage of me. I say we in luv and she roll her eyes. She call Langston on the telafone and yell at him afta he went back home. Mr. Emit tell her to leave him lone cuz it was all my fault. He say Langston say it my fault too but I no he lie. I aways no when Mr. Emit lie.

Ms. Trudy is upset cuz she los her baby and now Ise gone to have one. I try to be nice to her and Mr. Alvin. Sometimes dey seem so sad. Mr. Emit keep sayn he want a granson. Mr. Alvin aint god. He can only try to give Ms. Trudy a baby. Mr. Alvin go way a lot to work. I think him want to git way from Mr. Emit. I here him say to Miss Trudy dat he wan to take her away.

July 17, 1947

Langston is here and I be hidin from him. Ise so big I dont want him to see me lik dis, but he hunt be out and fines me in the barn. He ask me why I void him. I hang my head and he raise it up. He say I beutiful. He say he love me. I smile. He lay beside me at nite and the baby kick hard. He kiss my belly. I wish we culd get marrd by he say it not be legal. I tole him to leave me lone in my letter to him cuz he wont let me come and be wid him an little Langston but when I see him, I cant say it. I still want to be wid him. I cry when he leave my bed cuz I no he not really mines. least Ise has my baby. Dats my piece of Langston dat wont neva leave me. He say lotsa folks don like race mixin an he dont want me to git hurt. I no Mr. Emit is being mean to him cuz I see he git upset when dey cum out to big office. I hear yellin an Mr. Emit callin him a niggalova. I hear him tell Langston he betta do what he say or else. I scared for Langston. Mr. Emit he be crazy as a loon.

August 28, 1947

I name the baby Mavis cuz my mama name Mable and Langston mama name Victoria. I get them together and make Mavis. Langston laugh at that. The baby look white she so light. Her skin like her daddys with lots of brown hair like her daddy got. Ms. Trudy came by my room and say Mavis a pretty baby. She is nice to Langston for once. He not with me when she come to my room but she no Langston the father. Everybody no and some give me mean looks but I don't care. I let Ms. Trudy keep Mavis when I work roun de house. Mr. Emit fuss but Miss Trudy stans up to him an he be quite fo once. I like see Miss Trudy happy. Miss Trudy luvs Mavis. I like dat. I tol her not to be mad wid Langston cuz I want him just like she want Mr. Alvin. She say that diffrent cuz dey marred. I say Ise marred too in my hart and she smile. I like to see Ms. Trudy smile. She say Langston shud stand up an be a reel man an not let Mr. Emit push him round. I say Mr. Emit push everbody roun an he push Mr. Alvin roun too. She don't say nuthin but I see she don't like my words. She say Mr. Emit tell Langston what to do how to vote in Washton and dat not rite. I say Langston do it fo me and Mavis. I luv Miss Trudy but I don't like her talkn bout Langston in a bad way an tell her so.

There was a break in the writing after that entry. Langston surmised that Lilly must have been too preoccupied with her work and taking care of a new baby to do much writing. He was about to continue reading but decided to remove everything from the box again. There were six journals as well as the letters. He could determine the order by the dates that she had written on the first page of each one.

There was a picture of his father in the back of the first journal. He recognized it as he had a copy of the same shot at home. His father must have given it to Lilly. There was also another picture taken with an old brownie camera of his father and Mavis and it looked like they were in a field. Mavis appeared to be only a few months old. He was shocked to see a picture of his father with his arm around Lilly and she was smiling up at him holding Mavis. Langston wondered who could have taken that one. It must have been someone that Lilly could trust. Perhaps it was her beloved Ms. Trudy.

Langston sighed to himself. His father spent very little time with him when he was young. Most of the time he was in Washington until he gave up his Senate seat by not running for reelection. Now he understood why. They did do some things together after re retired. He took young Langston to ball games and he took him fishing from time to time, however he always appeared distant to young Langston, almost preoccupied. Now he knew why. Between hiding his relationship and dealing with the blackmail, he most likely couldn't concentrate on much else.

The Oxford family was well off and Langston never wanted for anything...that is except for the affection of his father that he craved. Maybe if he had brought Lilly to Virginia under to cover of being his servant, his father would have had a happier life and he would have been a happier son and had better memories of his father.

What would Mavis think about all this? He wasn't sure when he would be going back to Baltimore since he had to be in Washington. Perhaps he would go and see Mavis after he finished reading everything. He had only gone through the first of Lilly's journals and there was more reading to do. He knew that he had to talk to Rowena and tell her about the aunt that she never knew and all he had discovered about his father's secret life.