Chapter Four

The Mess Inside

Lilly responded to Scotty’s reminiscing with a gentle chuckle. "Back to the way things were, huh?" she asked, her eyes sparkling with amusement.

"Hey," Scotty shot back, with a self-deprecating smile. "It worked great…for a while."

"It did," Lilly agreed. "I gotta hand it to you…none of us had any idea. You two managed to fool a bunch of murder cops for two months."

Scotty’s grin widened and changed, in a flash, from rueful to cocky. "Good," he replied firmly. "Last thing in the world I wanted was for things to get weird around here."

"Weird?" Lilly chuckled. "So this two-year-old holy terror of yours that’s comin’ to invade the office in a few minutes…that’s not weird?" she asked, grinning mischievously at her partner over the rim of her coffee mug as she took a sip.

Scotty glared in her direction, but couldn’t hide his smile. "Like I said…it worked great for a while."

Mid-December, 2008

Lilly pushed open the door to the ladies’ room with something akin to a sigh of relief. She loved her job, loved absolutely everything about it. She loved her colleagues, too, at least most of the time, but sometimes…well, sometimes, she just needed to get out of the maelstrom of snark and testosterone that comprised Homicide. This morning, she mused with no small amount of irritation, was definitely one of those times. Nick Vera’s sexist tendencies and careless remarks, while usually tolerable, were driving her up the wall today. Unable to put a finger on why, exactly, Lilly just decided to chalk it up as one of those days, but she needed an escape, just a few minutes alone to gather her thoughts. And the ladies’ room…well, that was the one place in the whole building that Lilly could normally count on having to herself.

Most of the time, anyway, she mused, remembering once a few weeks earlier when Vera and Toni had had an argument, Toni had kicked him out, and he’d spent a few days living at Headquarters and taking care of his morning grooming in the ladies’ room, of all places, much to Lilly’s consternation. Now, though, Vera, was safely ensconced in the kitchen, happily embroiled in a friendly debate with Jeffries. So happy was he to expound on his opinions that he hadn’t even noticed her departure, and, as she stepped inside the restroom, she knew that, today at least, she could count on some privacy.

Or not, she amended with some alarm as she heard quiet retching emanating from the lone occupied toilet stall and echoing off the dingy beige tiles that lined the walls. Lilly’s brow furrowed as her mind raced with a myriad of possibilities, and she quickly deduced that…holy crap…it almost had to be Miller. Sure, there were other women over in Major Crimes, but there was also another ladies’ room that catered to that department. Usually, the only two female murder cops in Philly had a whole restroom to themselves.

If Kat was indeed sick, a scenario that seemed more likely by the second as Lilly heard another round of gagging, quickly followed by the flush of a toilet, it wouldn’t come as a complete surprise. She’d noticed her colleague looking a little green around the gills for the last few days, and Miller had surrendered donuts and coffee to Vera without a word, which hardly ever happened. Fighting over donuts, Chinese takeout, hell, food in general…that was the primary mode of communication between Miller and Vera. And as for the coffee…well, everyone in their department practically needed it intravenously, so for Miller to turn it down without so much as a second thought? It raised Lilly’s eyebrows, anyway, although she didn’t think any of the others had noticed. Typical, she scoffed, and silently cursed the insensitive Neanderthals of Homicide.

Before Lilly could process things any further, however, the door to the stall swung open and, as suspected, Miller emerged, her normally dark skin looking pale and clammy. With an uncomfortable, oh, shit sort of glance in Lilly’s direction, Kat swept past her on the way to the sink, where she matter-of-factly splashed her face and rinsed out her mouth.

"Better?" Lilly asked kindly, the wheels in her head starting to turn. Miller looking sick…turning down coffee and donuts…perking up considerably, and consistently, around lunchtime…

"A little," Kat replied with a nonchalant shrug. Avoiding Lilly’s eyes, she defiantly yanked a handful of paper towels from the dispenser on the wall and started to pat her face dry.

"This…been happening a lot? Gettin’ sick?" Lilly ventured lightly, not wanting to pry…just wanting to confirm the disturbing theory that had suddenly sprung to mind.

Kat stole a cryptic glance at Lilly, then returned to drying her face. "Just this week," she answered coolly, though Lilly’s carefully honed detective skills saw right through the practiced indifference. "I think there’s a stomach flu or somethin’ goin’ around," Kat added, with another casual shrug.

Too much information. Too quick with an overly detailed explanation. Gotcha, Lilly thought.

"Funny," she commented, her voice kind, but clear that she wasn’t in the mood for any crap. "I haven’t heard anyone else talk about it." She leveled her colleague with a compassionate, yet stern gaze, one perfected by years of studying doers in the interview room. But even all that practice couldn’t prepare her for what followed.

It began with a defiant stare from Kat, but, despite her best efforts, she couldn’t hide the tears that suddenly filled her dark eyes. After a few seconds, she turned and angrily flung the wad of paper towels into the trash can, then whirled back, hands on hips, to face a stunned Lilly, still blinking back tears from eyes that now blazed with fury…and a touch of fear.

"I’m pregnant, okay? That what you wanted to know?" Kat demanded, her voice quietly angry, yet simultaneously, to Lilly’s surprise, almost a bit helpless.

"I’m eight weeks along," she continued, all of a sudden sounding weary and defeated, "I’m exhausted all the time, just the smell of coffee makes me gag, I can’t keep anything in my stomach before noon, and I can’t believe I was stupid enough to do this again." With a frustrated sigh, she flung her hands up in exasperation. "You’d think I’da learned my lesson eleven years ago, but no, I let some guy sweet-talk his way into my pants, again, and this is what happens," she finished bitterly.

Even though Lilly had suspected what Kat was about to tell her, she was absolutely dumbfounded, both by the news and by the fact that her normally walled-off, ultra-private colleague had just spilled her guts, to her of all people, right there in the ladies’ room. Suddenly, she realized that she was totally clueless as to the appropriate response. Oh, sure, when people unburdened their souls in the interview room, she knew exactly what to do…but when it was a colleague? A friend? Sharing something this personal? Lilly was at a complete loss, with no idea what to say, no idea what to do, but she clearly needed to say something, she realized, since Miller, who was apparently at the end of her rope, hadn’t stormed out of the restroom like Lilly expected her to. Instead, she was still standing there, gazing at the floor and blinking back tears, her arms folded protectively across her chest. Clearly, some action was needed.

Out of the chaos, Lilly quickly snatched the only coherent thought she could form. "Have…have you told Boss yet?" she asked, and Kat responded with a furrowed brow and a blank stare.

"Boss?" she repeated, blinking in surprise, then shook her head slowly. "No…no, I—I haven’t…I haven’t told anyone. I can’t tell anyone. It’ll ruin everything…it’ll…I just can’t," she finished, her voice growing more and more anxious with each word.

Kat was obviously starting to panic again, and Lilly, still half-thinking she was making up this particular side of her co-worker, instinctively took a couple steps forward and gently grasped the shorter woman’s shoulders. She waited for a second until her colleague’s breathing slowed slightly and her rapidly darting eyes finally locked on her blue ones, and then she spoke.

"Pregnancy’s…kinda hard to hide, Kat," she said gently, with a slight smile. "Tell people or not, but I bet anything a bunch of detectives’ll figure it out eventually."

Kat paused, then smiled slightly and nodded in silent agreement as Lilly lowered her hands and took a step back.

Finally, after a long moment, Kat responded. "I…I just want this to go away," she said quietly, her voice almost a whimper, and Lilly found her heart filling with compassion.

"There…there are ways…" she began hesitantly, but Kat’s head snapped up and her eyes flashed fire, any and all traces of vulnerability suddenly long gone.

"I ain’t gettin’ rid of it," she snapped. "That’s one thing I know for sure. This thing in me…it’s a real live baby. My real live baby. And it’s gonna make things complicated as hell, yeah…but I’m keepin’ it. That’s one thing I do know."

"Good," Lilly replied proudly, relieved that something of the old Kat Miller was still in there somewhere. "You’ve already made one really important decision."

"Two," Kat added without missing a beat, her trademark determination still firmly in place. "I’m puttin’ in for a transfer back to Narcotics."

Lilly took another step back, blinking in surprise. "Narcotics?" she parroted. "And…and leave Homicide? Why?" she asked blankly, a frown creasing her delicate features.

Kat fixed Lilly with a withering glare, one with which Lilly was quite familiar, and one that she welcomed wholeheartedly. The old Miller was back in full force. The helplessness, the tears, the vulnerability…Lilly wasn’t sure at all how to handle any of that, but the fiery glare? That, she could deal with.

"You outta your mind, Rush?" Kat was demanding, hands on her hips. "You got any idea how much work a baby is? You think I got time to chase doers all day while I’m nursin’ round-the-clock and changin’ diapers every twenty minutes?"

"That’s why they created maternity leave," Lilly reminded her friend. "You take a couple months off, and you don’t work as much when you come back. Boss’ll understand, and we’ll all cover for you," she offered, knowing the others would back her up without so much as a second thought. "You know that," she continued. "It’s us. And besides…" she ventured hesitantly, "…couldn’t the father help?"

Kat’s head snapped up, and she shot Lilly a dark glare, but beneath the anger was a hint of…was that fear? Lilly knew her colleague was trying to hide it, and knew that she was successful the vast majority of the time. But her practiced detective’s eye could spot fear in someone’s eyes from a mile away…helped, Lilly realized wryly, by her own years of experience with trying hide that emotion from a perceptive colleague. Kat was equally practiced, it seemed, since she hid her trepidation so skillfully that, if not for her experience, Lilly would have missed it entirely.

"You haven’t told him yet, have you?" she continued kindly, far more of a statement than a question.

Kat started to protest, then gave up and sighed in frustration. "Well, what the hell am I supposed to tell him?" she demanded, flinging her hands in the air helplessly. "Hi, we had a stupid one-night stand that we both regret, and we wanna just forget about it, but guess what, we can’t, ‘cause oh, by the way, seven months from now, I’m gonna have your kid?" she suggested, her voice oozing sarcasm. "Yeah, that worked real well the first time."

"He’s got a right to know," Lilly reminded Kat. "And besides, you don’t know what kinda guy he is. Maybe he’ll be…better at the dad thing," she offered, her discomfort increasing almost exponentially with each second that passed. She was so far out of her element here it wasn’t even funny.

"I know exactly what kinda guy he is," Kat replied, her voice heavy with bitterness. "That’s the problem."

"He not a good guy?" Lilly asked casually, searching her colleague’s eyes. She didn’t want to pry, hell, the less she knew about this, the happier she’d be, but she also didn’t want Miller to split from Homicide on a hormonally-induced whim. Kat was one of the best, dammit, and if she let her hormones do the talking…well, that’d just prove Vera’s ill-considered, chauvinistic point from earlier, the point that had driven Lilly to seek refuge in the restroom in the first place. Damn Vera…

Kat kept her eyes glued to the floor, and Lilly continued awkwardly. "I mean…it sounds like Veronica’s dad isn’t…around much …and you’re doin’ just fine with her on your own…" she floundered.

"That ain’t it," Kat burst out, once again sounding dangerously close to tears, and Lilly glanced around, wishing fervently that there was some graceful way out of this, or, failing that, a hole of some sort she could crawl into and disappear. Neither one appeared, though, and Lilly stayed put. Her colleague, for some reason, seemed to need her.

"He’s…he’s not a bad guy," Kat went on, and Lilly was mystified by the strange tone Miller’s voice had suddenly taken. "At least, I don’t think he is," she mused. "He seems decent enough…but I got no idea whether he’d…" she trailed off, paused for a few seconds, then shrugged almost defiantly and spat out the thought with which she’d been struggling.

"Hell, you’d know better than I would," she said, glancing up at Lilly.

I’d know better than she would? Lilly’s eyes widened in alarm, and she felt her heart and mind both starting to race. Just exactly what the hell did Miller mean by that? Lilly wanted to ask, to press further, to act like this was just an interview, like Kat Miller was just some random witness…but now that Lilly was involved, no matter how indirectly…if the father was someone she knew…no way could she be impartial…but she definitely didn’t want to be perceived as nosy, either, so all she could do was stare.

All the time in the world to imagine the myriad of possibilities wouldn’t have prepared her for what Kat said next.

"It’s Scotty, all right?" she announced softly, looking at the floor. "Scotty goddamn Valens. It’s his. He’s the father." She looked up at Lilly again, her expression radiating helplessness once more. "So what the hell am I supposed to do about that?"

Her colleague’s words were soft, but they broke into Lilly’s mind like a bullet through glass. She couldn’t recall being more stunned in her entire life. About anything. Ever.

Scotty? Her partner? Oh, Lilly knew he sometimes had trouble keeping it zipped, knew that he’d made some stupid choices in the romance department over the years…but for him to sleep with one of their co-workers? To knock her up? To make one ill-advised decision that would forever compromise his working relationship with…well, everyone in the department? To act on impulse and think with his dick and permanently alter everything? What the hell was wrong with him that he---?

"Lil?" Kat ventured tentatively, breaking through Lilly’s angry reverie. "I’m sorry. I’m so sorry. I know you and Scotty have this…whatever it is you have…" she trailed off, seemingly unsure how to describe it.

"We don’t have a…" Lilly started to answer automatically, but then paused. What was it? What did they have? It wasn’t anything, yet it was everything, and it was about to change forever, and she couldn’t help but feel...holy crap, was that jealousy she was feeling? Of Miller? No, Lilly wasn’t jealous, she realized with a sense of relief…she was threatened. She and Scotty had spent years constructing, and occasionally re-constructing, their partnership. Despite their conflicts, despite the bumps in the road that they’d encountered, he’d always been there for her, for anything, and took great pains to make sure she knew that. He’d even saved her life. And now…now his attentions would be forever divided. He wouldn’t always be there for her, because he’d need to always be there for Miller…and for their baby.

"It’s fine," Lilly reassured Kat quickly. It was. And it would be. It would have to be. She knew Scotty well enough to know that, whatever happened, he’d always have her back. He was her friend, her partner, and she knew those were things he didn’t take lightly. They were a family, this squad, and adding one more member…yeah, it’d change things, but one thing she could never question about Scotty was his loyalty. His devotion to the people he cared about. His friends…his family…the squad…she’d seen it with Elisa, she’d seen it in their partnership…and she realized, in a flash, that she suddenly knew what to say to help Miller.

"Look," she began with a kind smile as she placed a reassuring hand on Kat’s arm. "Scotty’s one of the most loyal people I know. The people he loves…his friends, his family…they’re everything to him, and I know that he’ll love this baby, too. He won’t abandon you…it’s just not in his nature. Scotty…he’s one of the good guys," she said with feeling, realizing that she meant it in every sense of the word.

"I know," Kat replied slowly. "I know he’s not like…" she started to say, then shook her head. "I know. I just…God, how the hell do I tell him?" she asked helplessly. "It’s gonna change his life forever. How the hell do I drop a bombshell like that?" she inquired, then shook her head again. "I…I can’t," she declared, with a sense of irrational finality. "I can’t tell him."

"Kat," Lilly chided gently. "Scotty’s no rocket scientist, but you’re no slut, either. You don’t sleep around, and when you start gettin’ bigger…he’s gonna be able to do the math. And if you haven’t told him, if he’s gotta figure out for himself that you’re carryin’ his child…that’s…that’s either gonna make him mad or break his heart…I’m not sure which."

"That’s why I gotta get outta Homicide," Kat retorted, but something in her voice gave Lilly pause. Her bravado was just a shell of its usual self, and Lilly suddenly realized the truth.

"You don’t really wanna leave, do you?" she realized compassionately.

Kat paused thoughtfully. "No," she replied, her voice almost plaintive. "But I just…I dunno how to…" she trailed off, looking up once again with helplessness radiating from her dark eyes.

"The direct approach," Lilly supplied. "Scotty hates being lied to."

Kat’s eyes widened in disbelief. "Hates bein’ lied to? But—but he---" she sputtered in incredulous protest.

"I know," Lilly replied with a slight smile. "He lies all the time. It’s just…one of his quirks." She chuckled slightly, remembering...then continued. "Look, I can’t fix him, I can’t change him, I can just tell you how he is and how to deal with him."

"I know," Kat answered, the relief, and gratitude, suddenly shining in her eyes. "And I’m glad. ‘Cause I worked my ass off to get here, and I really don’t wanna lose it all just ‘cause of one dumb night with Scotty Valens, of all people," she declared, with just a hint of disgust.

Lilly’s smile widened. That was the Kat Miller she knew. She sighed with relief at the fact that, despite her inexperience, she’d been able to talk her panic-stricken colleague back to some semblance of her true self.

"You shouldn’t," Lilly agreed. "You’ve overcome a lot. You’ve been a single mom for over a decade. You’ve arrested some of the worst scum this earth has to offer without even blinking. You can do this, too" she encouraged quietly.

"I can do this. I can do this," Kat repeated, her voice suddenly more confident. "But…" she glanced up at Lilly once more, her dark eyes suddenly wide and almost pleading.

"I won’t say a word about this to him," Lilly promised, with a reassuring pat on her colleague’s arm. "But you have to," she urged gently, then turned to leave.

"I will," Kat replied firmly. "I’ll tell him. Today."