Abandoned

I woke up feeling sore in places I didn’t remember having. The last time I had sex was when I decided to just turn around and leave the room that had been witness of the deed.

I stretched and expected to find Chris next to me in the back of my car.

I knew what we did was just sex. It wasn’t like the last time where he was sweet and tender. He just wanted to get to the point as so did I. I wanted to feel him inside of me. I wanted to be branded as his in the most carnal way possible.

But he wasn’t there.

My heart skipped a beat as I got dressed.

A note was next to my maid of honor dress.

‘I can’t give you just sex, Allegra. I can’t be just your bone ami. I want to be your man and I know you can’t give this to me.’ He wrote.

I could feel the tears welling up in my eyes. He left, he left before I had the chance to tell him that I didn’t want him to leave me. I wanted him with me. I would give him everything he wanted if it meant that he was going to stay.

Oh, Karma is such a bitch.

At least he had left a note. And I still felt like crap. He abandoned me.

I couldn’t even try to imagine how he felt when I left him in the room without a word or a second glance.

Abandoned, resentful, angry, heart-broken?

But I wasn’t in love him, right? Laurence claimed that I loved him and I was just an idiot for not seeing it. My father was a bit colder towards me and told me to give Chris a chance.

I felt like I couldn’t redeem the situation before he left. And I could feel my heart breaking as I thought that things would be left like this between us for a whole year.

Realization

Giselle was in my house. We were both sitting down on my sofa with a cup of tea.

“How is he doing?”

She was the only source I had for news concerning Christopher and how he was doing.

“He loves India. He  is learning Tamil and the people are so friendly he feels at home.”

I smiled sadly and sighed deeply. I tried to refrain from crying and I succeeded.

“So, what did the doctor say?” She asked me concerned.

“I’m not pregnant.” I started sobbing.

“Allie, I thought you didn’t want to be pregnant.” Giselle was completely confused by my reaction.

I put my mug on the coffee table and buried my head in my hands.

She hugged me to her and let me cry on her shoulder.

“I love him.” I said once I calmed down. “That’s why I would have loved having a part of him growing in me. I was scared at first, but after all the signs were there I just felt like everything was going to be fine.”

Apparently we didn’t use a condom when we had sex in my car. I had been late,  I was cranky, my boobs hurt like hell and I genuinely thought I was pregnant. I wasn’t.

“I can’t believe it took a pregnancy scare to make me realize that I love him. It’s too late now. He’s gone!” I said hopelessly. “He will never take me back.”

“You may never know.” Giselle tried to support me.

“I want him. I want him all the time. I want to give him my heart. I just don’t….” I took a deep breath. “I think about him all the time. I want to be with him. I want to be his woman. I want to be the one he comes home to after a long day at work, the one he tells everything to, the one he will love forever. I want it all. The 2.5 children, the picket fence and the dog.” I sobbed. I was responsible for my own unhappiness.

I hated myself. If I felt empty it was all my fault.

Broken Friendships

“Laurence…” I started.

“What do you want, Allegra?” his eyes were cold.

“I don’t want you to hate me.” I could feel myself crying.

“Well you brought it on yourself. I can’t believe you even have the audacity to ask me for something after what you did to Chris! He bloody loves you and you should have had some consideration for his feelings instead of running away without a second glance. You broke him!” he yelled at me.

I lowered my gaze. Shame does that to you. “I didn’t think—“

“Please, don’t give me the ‘I thought he was joking’ bullshit, Allegra. You can do better than that.”

“I was scared.” I tried to justify myself.

“You could have said that to him. You could have said that you didn’t feel what he felt for you.”

“But I do love him!” I yelled back. “I love him!”

“You’re a coward. I knew that there was going to be something between you and Chris the moment your eyes locked. I can’t believe I pushed him. I knew he loved you, I saw it happening, and stupid me believed that you might have been ready for Chris.” He sighed in frustration. “But you’re not. You’re so afraid of loving again that you let go knowingly of one of the best thing that ever happened to you after Blake died.”

“I don’t want to give up on Blake.” I whispered.

“You don’t have to. You can keep loving him but you can love Chris as well. There’s no conflict there. Chris doesn’t want to replace your late-husband.” He explained.

“I know that now.”

He looked at me with disapproval.

“Will we ever be friends again?”

“I don’t know.” He said honestly.

“Do you think Chris will ever give me a chance?”

“Why don’t you ask him?” he said angrily.

He left me there in my living room. I heard the door slam and I winced.

Acceptance

“Go for it.” Julia Cavendish, my mother in law said.

“What?”

“You love Christopher.” She caressed my hand lovingly.

“But--?”

“Blake wanted you to be happy. He told you so. Stop feeling like you’re cheating on him. You’re not. You will always love him but you need to live your life, Allegra.” She encouraged me. She took a sip of her cup of tea.

I was in London. I needed to meet my in laws for our annual reunion.

“I love you like a daughter. Blake is gone.” She sighed. “You have to move on. That doesn’t mean that you need to forget all about him.” She tried to convince me.

“I know.” I finally said. “I know.” I whispered brokenly. “I know.”

“Good.” She smiled triumphantly.

“You’re not cheating on him.”

“I’m not. You’re right. I shouldn’t feel guilty.”

“You mustn’t feel guilty, Allegra. Live your life to its fullest. Live it.” She hugged me and let me cry on her shoulder.

I was finally free, and now I could fully embrace my love for Christopher and accept it.