I've always been this way. Anti-social, that is. Not the disorder. Though I've never seen a shrink. I never figured it was a problem that needed to be fixed. There's nothing wrong with wanting to be alone.

There are people like me everywhere.

My mother worries about me. She doesn't think its normal for me to live this kind of life. She worries I'll die alone.

 My little brother thinks I'm a loser with no friends or social life. I guess he's right to an extent. I have friends, a close few I stick with. But we don't see or talk to each other every day. I go out and do things with other people, gatherings and such. I don't have social anxiety or anything, I handle people well. But if I could choose between going out and staying home, home without hesitation. I just prefer to be alone. It's like the loneliness never gets me. I could be alone for days at a time without having any interactions with people and be just fine with that. I wouldn't even be mad if I was alone forever.

I'm just like you for the most part.

 Recently I've relocated. Moved to the east coast all alone to work in an impoverished area in order to get my student loans paid off. I work at a middle school as an English teacher, well, Language Arts as they call it. Might seem like an odd choice for someone like me, being around loud kids all day. But it's not bad and the kids are pleasant. I like my job, even more so when I get to go home.

I don't like to talk much, or the sound of other peoples voices for that matter. The bullshit they use to fill the silence is 10X worse than the actual silence. I also don't like confrontation. Since I don't make much noise people tend to try to push my buttons. Try to get me to open up to them. It feels like confrontation. What do you like to do? What are your goals? Vague ass questions for that getting to know you stage. Always feels like they're pop quizzing you on your own life. Us quiet ones have the roughest time with this. We want to tell them to leave us alone, that we don't have goals because we're just coasting through life. Taking it as it comes. What do you like to do is just about the hardest question you could ask people like me. It's not that we don't do things at all but that we don't do things on a regular basis enough to know that we like them. Besides when people ask that question they're asking about sports related hobbies. I don't care for sports. Usually I just tell people I enjoy reading and tea. Makes me sound boring to most. But it's true.

I also enjoy sitting quietly curled up somewhere trying not to think too hard. I've discovered that that's my problem. It's pretty much the problem of anyone who's anti-social. Too many thoughts. So many thoughts that you can't really handle other people's thoughts on top of your own. You can't turn it off or even put it to sleep. For me they are heavy thoughts, usually about the world. Social Justice type thoughts. The kind that hurt. They cause you to zone out at inconvenient times, making people repeat themselves for you. But sometimes it's alternate reality thoughts. Where I'm a different me. One who's outgoing and excited about life. Those are the worst thoughts. Because I'm happy with myself but my brain keeps throwing them at me. It's like it wants me to change. But I like me and I like my alone time. I'm not on a mission to change anything.

Anyway, that's where he came in.

Park. I was grocery shopping. With my headphones in because although I wear a certain face I use to repel people, sometimes they ignore it and try to strike up a conversation. Headphones make me temporarily deaf to whatever these people are trying to say.

Park was there. In the produce section feeling up the mangoes. I only know that because I was across from him. Touching all over the pears. I wasn't watching him or anything like that. His lips were moving so either he was talking to himself or he was talking to me. My headphones weren't hidden. I wore them in plain view on purpose. He looked up at me, mouth still moving. Definitely talking to me. Plucking an ear bud out I quirked an eyebrow at him.

"Those aren't in season. None of them are going to taste good." He pointed to the pear in my hand.

"Oh." I shrugged and sat it back on the stand. "Thanks" I guess.

"You should try the spinach though. Should be perfect." He pointed to the leafy greens against the wall.

"Ok" It was on my list anyway. I bought a roasted chicken, blue cheese crumbles, cherub tomatoes and a bundle of spinach that day. It made for a damn good salad. I didn't see Park again for another 2 weeks. I didn't even know his name was Park then.

I was at the gas station filling up the tank and buying tea. He was in line to pay for his Coke.

"I remember you. How was the spinach?" I didn't recognize him at first and the confusion must have shown. "From the grocery store?"

"Oh! It was good. Perfect." I smiled tightly and burned holes into the side of the cashiers head. This shouldn't be taking so long.

"Good." He turned around to face me completely, fiddling with his Coke bottle. "If we're going to keep running into each other I should introduce myself. I'm Park." He extended his hand to shake.

"Jessica"

"It's nice to meet you Jessica. You live around here?" His nails scraped against my palm as our hands parted.

"Yeah. Not too far from the middle school" This entire town revolves around the middle school.

"Oh. I haven't seen you around."

"Sort of new." Plus I don't get out much.

"Not to be too forward but would you like to get coffee or something sometime?" I stared at him with wide eyes. I don't get asked out on dates too often. Probably has something to do with me not being the most approachable person ever. "If you're not interested it's fine. You're just really beautiful and I thought I would try." He shrugged his shoulders. I hadn't really looked at him before. Cambodian maybe, dark features and full lips. Tall and lean, very handsome.

"No. I would like to. Sorry, you just caught me off guard." I was rewarded with a massive grin.

 Simple as that, Park and I started dating.

I've had boyfriends before. But nothing serious. They only went as far as a few dates. No ‘I love you' confessions, no ‘let's move in together' talks. It should bother me that I'm 25 and never been in love. Never been loved. I figured I've been ok so far, what's another 60 years? Park is a sweet man. Always treating a lady as she should be. He doesn't ask for much, the dates aren't excitement filled. Mostly just consists of us, withdrawn from the rest of the world. Walking home on our fourth date he asked if he could kiss me. I was surprised it took him so long. I was expecting him to steal one on the first date. With permission he kissed me softly and innocently. No tongue, just a few slow pecks. The effect they had was surprising. From then on all our greetings and goodbyes were kisses. Along with our thank you's, I missed you's, and anything else we could replace our lips with. It was all very easy, easier than I would have imagined. He would pick me up from work some days, cook me dinner. We would share lunches at the park and go for quiet walks.

Park brought me flowers one day, purple calla lilies.

"How'd you know these were my favorite?"

"You always linger by them when we're near the garden" He doesn't ask many questions. Just observes to find the answers he seeks. He's very good at it.

I can't remember ever feeling this relaxed. No pressure to make simple conversation. No pressure to go anywhere to make him happy. Park is just as content as I am to lay next to me in silence. I like the feel of his fingers stroking my arm and his heartbeat under my palm. I like how he tangles his feet with mine for no definite reason. I'm so used to this bed being empty. Kind of weird having another person's body heat to keep me warm. But it's nice.

We haven't had sex yet. I find it weird since it's been 2 months. He's with me just about every night but hasn't even tried to touch me in that way. It can't be that he doesn't find me attractive, his kisses tell me that much. But he never takes it further. His hands never roam to my chest or bottom. They remain in the safe zones. I want them to wander, to get out and explore. I'll stamp the passport for them to venture south. Park isn't even trying. So even though I hate these conversations I finally ask.

"Do you want to have sex with me?" No point in beating around the bush.

"Wh- What?" He pulls his warmth away from me to get a good look at my face.

"Sex. With me."

"I'm confused." He squints his eyes at me.

"You don't know what sex is?"

"Babe, why are you asking me this?"

"Because I want you. But I can't tell if you want me too"

"You can't tell? You can't tell by the way I look at you? You can't tell by the way I kiss you? Or by the way I have to restrain myself when I touch you? I want you Jessica."

"Then why haven't you done anything about it?"

"I was being a gentleman. Letting you take the lead. I wanted you to tell me you were ready." His thumb runs along my bottom lip.

"Ready"

He laughs at me and moves in to kiss my temple, down to my nose and finally my lips. We spent the night removing any doubt I ever had.

"I think we should move in together" Park tells me after 5 months.

"Seems soon" But not really considering the way things have been going. Sounds like the logical next step.

"Kind of. But it sounds nice."

"Ok"

"If you're sure"

"I am"

Simple as that we moved in together.

I guess I've changed a bit. I wouldn't want to live without this. Being cared for and taken care of. Having someone genuinely worry about you. Even worry about the little things, like did you have a good day? Want me to make you tea? They seem small and mundane but they mean a lot. People don't ask me those things. I guess they're the type of questions you reserve for certain people. Or maybe I'm just making too much of it. I personally never ask other people these types of questions. It just never crosses my mind because I guess I don't care. I ask Park these types of things now. What do you want to eat? Are you cold? They feel weird coming out of my mouth most of the time. Someone who lives alone isn't use to saying these things. I don't ask for other peoples input. It's an easy thing, Park and I. We don't go out much. The occasional dinner with friends just to ensure them that we aren't dead. We also hit up the rare festival or other event in the area just to show face around town. No clubs or sporting events. Mostly we stay in together. Lounge around the house wearing the bare minimum. I like that he likes that.

This was what I like. Soft lazy kisses, Parks' teeth nipping at my lips. His hands gripping at my waist. I didn't realize I missed this. Touches and sighs. Park is all long limbs and hard angles as he's splayed on top of me. I don't mind. He's always very slow about this. Slow taking off clothes, slow licks and slow strokes. He always seems like he's savoring every bit of me. I hold him tight, sometimes I scratch him up and he just shakes his head and smiles at me. Sex with Park is different. He never shows that overwhelming lust, that I need you now sex. He takes his time with every touch. Sometimes he whispers in my ear how beautiful I am. How much he loves me. Mostly there aren't words. We don't need them when we're having a hard enough time breathing.

I've noticed he likes to relax between my legs with his head on my stomach and his arms wrapped tightly around my waist. I don't mind as long as I can run my fingers through his hair. It's comfortable, our relationship. Most evenings are like this for us. We don't talk much, I prefer it that way and it seems he does too. We communicate with touches and looks. My mom says that's not normal either. But it feels right for me.

I love that his eyes get wide and his breathing halts when I kiss down his neck to his collar bone. His stomach quivers when I kiss down to his belly button. I wish I only noticed the sexual things but it's so much more. That he only sits on the couch if I'm with him, if he's alone he sits on the floor. He always cooks too much to eat knowing good and well we both hate leftovers. He rubs exactly seven circles into my stomach with his fingertips every night before we go to sleep. I wasn't very surprised when he told me.

Park tells me he loves me when we've been dating just under a year. He made me tea and we lazed on the couch. The television was on Discovery channel, Shark week I think. As a shark bit off a mans leg, Park turned to me.

"I love you"

"Ok." I shrugged. He smiled and turned back to the TV commenting on how the man shouldn't have been taunting the shark in the first place. As we were turning out the lights and heading to bed I decided that I loved him too.

"Ok" He kisses me and pulls my back to his front. I can feel his smile on the back of my neck.

That's how someone like me who likes to be alone, who needs to be alone, changed. I still like to be alone, but with him. My routine is the same but now it involves two. My mother thinks things progressed fast for us. I thought so too at first. But should the time frame really matter more than how you feel? I can't say how long Park and I will last but I know that right now in this moment we are both happy. Alone together.