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All publicly recognizable characters, settings, etc. are the property of their respective owners. The original characters and plot are the property of the author. The author is in no way associated with the owners, creators, or producers of any media franchise. No copyright infringement is intended.

 

 

 

The JOVAN Saga – A Collection of One-Shots

 

 

(Inspired by song by Beyoncé,  “Scared of Lonely”)

 

 

Chapter 19 Scared of Lonely

 

I continue to ask myself, ‘Why doesn’t he love me? I’ve made myself easy to love.’  Yes I sound like a wimp, a weakling, and a needy woman.  So what?  I don’t care what anybody else thinks.  This is how I feel.  I love the man, so sue me.  No way did I plan to fall in love with him.  He was someone to scratch that occasional ‘itch’ which after he scratched it the first time, the itch became constant.  For me it grew from a ‘casual sexual liaison’ to a relationship.  So what he ‘attached strings’ but he still holds back from committing totally to me.  Sure it’s more than how he acts to and around Natalie, it’s something deeper than that.  Now I need to reevaluate what causes me to hang so tightly to him.  An otherwise confident and independent woman, that all seems to disappear when it concerns him.  I ask myself does he feel anything other than lust for me?  Physically we get along very well but emotionally I’m doing all of the heavy lifting.

 

I’m in this fight and I’m swinging and my arms are getting tired

I’m trying to beat this emptiness, but I’m running out of time

I’m sinking in the sand and I can barely stand

I’m lost in this dream. I need you to hold me.

 

 

I’m scared of lonely

And I’m scared of being the only

Shadow I see along the wall

And I’m scared the only heartbeat

I hear beating is my own

And I’m scared of being alone

I can’t seem to breathe when I am lost

In this dream I need you to hold me

 

I sing these words over and over again, sitting on my bed, grabbing my pillow as some way to anchor me to the now.  I feel these words so deeply.  I hold the tears at bay but it doesn’t matter.  The singing now becomes more of a chant.  Bit by bit the volume increases and I do become lost in this storm of emotions.  How can I convey to John the weight of what I feel without him feeling he needs to reciprocate some way even if he does not feel the way that I do?  That would only make things worse.

 

I can’t seem to breathe when I am lost

In this dream I need you to hold me

 

Sitting in the dark, save for the dim glimmer of the light from the hallway, the ambiance intensifies the moroseness of what I’m feeling.

 

I need you to hold me

 

Perhaps like a nun in a distant convent or a monk in a far away monastery I say the words over and over again until they seep inside me.  Losing track of the time I continue to sing the words from the beginning.  The pain of the words lessens, as they now become my affirmation, my cleansing and my acknowledgment of my weakness that I have fought against for such a long time.  Maybe it is more than the relationship with John. Maybe it is really admitting to myself that it’s okay to feel sometimes.  It doesn’t make me less of what I want to be.  It is a part of me.

 

The air feels heavy in the apartment as if the sadness has taken shape and envelops the walls and furniture and everything in between to match the mood of its occupant.

 

But there is more than one person present here now.  Uneasy with the way that his last conversation with Evangeline ended John risks making her more upset by deciding to just drop by her apartment.  He doesn’t call to alert her of his arrival.  In doing so he enters the apartment and hearing her singing he stops to listen.  He can sense that it is not a lively song so he stops in the hallway and listens to ascertain her mood.

 

I try to be patient, but I’m hurting deep inside

And I can’t keep waiting, I need comfort late at night

And I can’t find my way, won’t you lead me home?

Cause I’m lost in this dream, I need you to hold me

 

John notices that Evangeline’s voice cracks at the words, I need you to hold me.  He knows something is definitely wrong and it doesn’t take a genius to know that he has a part in her feeling this way.  With his back to the wall his body slides down so that he’s sitting on the floor listening to Evangeline pour out her pain in song.  No way can he remain stoic as this beautiful young lady expresses her hurt and her need for comfort.  After hearing Evangeline sing the words over and over again John can no longer remain in place.  As he approaches her open bedroom door he hears again,

 

And I’m scared of being the only

Shadow I see along the wall

And I’m scared the only heartbeat 

I hear beating is my own

And I’m scared of being alone

I can’t seem to breathe when I am lost

In this dream I need you to hold me

 

Walking into the bedroom John sees Evangeline but she doesn’t see nor hear him enter.  She doesn’t hear because John removed his shoes while in the hallway and she doesn’t see because her eyes are closed.

 

Without hesitation John walks to her bed, sits down and pulls Evangeline into his arms and as he does he hears her sing,

 

Cause I’m lost in this dream, I need you to hold me

 

And he does.  He holds her tightly.

 

 












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Disclaimer: All publicly recognizable characters, settings, etc. are the property of their respective owners. The original characters and plot are the property of the author. The author is in no way associated with the owners, creators, or producers of any media franchise. No copyright infringement is intended.