He couldn’t sleep. Which meant she couldn’t sleep. She’d opened her eyes to stare at the wall, the dark room closing around her like a cage. His arm was around her waist and he breathed against her neck… but she knew he was just as awake as she was. Confirming that, his arm slid away from her waist and she listened to him get out of bed. He sighed deeply and cursed under his breath. His cell phone begin to ring and he quietly answered it. His Korean was clipped and short and quicker than it started the conversation was over. She listened to drawers opening and the sound of clothes rustling around. Swallowing, she finally turned towards him and watched him. 

    Shirtless, he picked a dark colored shirt and a pair of black sweats. He was thin. It wasn’t a healthy thin. No, as she watched her bunny slip into the sweatpants, her throat grew tight. He had lost so much weight. It didn’t take a hard look to see his ribs. The once strong muscular biceps, shoulders and back now looked weak and fragile. It was weird, seeing his body appear much smaller than his head. It wasn’t normal. 

    “You can’t sleep either huh?” His voice was quiet. Slipping into the shirt, he covered up his body and turned to face her. 

    “Where are you going again?” She asked, her own voice nearly a whisper. 

    “Practice.” 

    “Oh.” Running fingers through his messy strands, he took a deep breath and leaned down over her. 

    “Yesterday was a really shitty day for me sweetheart. I wasn’t expecting you.”

    “I wanted to surprise you…” He smiled and this time, genuine emotion flickered up across his face. 

    “I’m happy you did.” Pressing a kiss against her forehead, he inhaled deeply. 

    “I apologize for hurting you.”

    “You said sorry yesterday.”

    “And I’ll say as many times as I need to until you’re not upset with me.” Sitting up, she lifted a hand to gently caress his cheek. 

    “It’s more confusion than anger Bon-hwa. I…I just have so many questions…”

    “When I come home later, we’ll talk. Okay?” 

    “Okay.” Taking her hand, he pressed it against his heart and leaned into kiss her. 

    “I love you.”

    “Love you too bunny.” One last kiss and he lifted, going to put on a cap. Soon, he left out and she heard the door close and lock. Sighing, she laid back down and stared up at the ceiling. Reaching for her phone, she glanced at the time. 0:30. 12:30 am. That meant it was 11:30 pm back home. Entirely too late to call her mom. But… she needed to talk to her.  Dialing her number, she waited. To her surprise, she answered. 

    “Hello?” Her mother’s groggy voice on the other end made her feel guilty. 

    “Salut, maman. C’est Nova.” (Hello Mom, it’s Nova). 

    “Nova? Qu'y a-t-il?” (Nova? What’s wrong?) Her voice was still sleepy but concern now made her french less warm. It made it anxious. 

    “Je suis désolé de t’appeler si tard. Je dois te parler vers Bunny.” (I’m sorry to call you so late. I gotta talk to you about Bunny). Her mother sighed into the phone. 

    “Oui, ma bien aimèe. On peut parler.” (Yes, my darling. We can talk.) 

    *** 

    “….and step! Yeah, good. Slide. No…push your foot that way. Yeah.” A bead of sweat dripped down his nose. 

    “Bonnie, you’re not focusing. Come on.”

    “Fuck off.” He shot back, lifting his arm to wipe the sweat away. Chani crossed his arms. 

    “You’ve been late to practice now four out of five times this week. What the hell have you been doing?” 

    “Probably getting his dick by Kangie.” Eyes shot to Gang-bum who had a deep disgusted frown on his face. 

    “I saw you two in the dressing room.”

    “Don’t be upset that you refuse to get yours sucked Gangie.” 

    “You’re such a slut. Anything with a hole you wanna fuck it.” 

    “What’s wrong with that? Least I’m honest about what I want.”

    “Guys! Stop!” Chani cut through the chatter, irritation twisting his normally cool and collected face. 

    “I need a smoke.” He said, not waiting to be dismissed. Pushing past the doors, he stepped outside and quickly pulled out a cigarette. Lighting it up, he inhaled, fingers shaky. 

    “What’s going on with you Bonnie?”  Cutting his eyes at him, he remained silent while taking another deep inhale of nicotine. 

    “Don’t act like you have amnesia, hyung.” The older man looked at him, seriously studying the way he moved, the cheeks starting to look gaunt. 

    “You’re binging again.” Blowing out the smoke, he laughed quietly. 

    “Congratulations for figuring that out.” 

    “We’ve all done it at one point in our career Bonnie.”

    “And let me guess, you just magically stopped one day and never picked it back up?”

    “We struggle just like you do. You’re not the only suffering.” Letting his eyes fall away from his face, he pressed the shaky cigarette against his lips. 

    “Have you ever been in love hyung?” The man sighed and lifted fingers to slide his hair back from his face. 

    “Once or twice.”

    “So, then you know what it’s like to love that person with everything you have inside of you. You’d do anything for this person.” 

    “Yeah.”

    “You want to know what wrong with me? I’ll tell you. I’m losing my fucking mind.” The eyes of his elder grew soft with understanding. 

    “I wake up and I don’t know who the fuck I am. Am I Aera or am I me? Everybody wants me to bend to their will. But what about my own? Why must I lose myself in order to please others?” 

    “Unfortunately, in the way of the world… especially in this business….sacrificing yourself is better than sacrificing the ones you love. You, yourself…well….you can learn to live with the pain. The loss. The hurt. Drink it all away. Fuck it all away. Cut it all away.” His eyes had drifted up to his wrists that now had considerably more scars than he’d ever seen. 

    “When they tell you that you have to organize a hit out on your own mother. Or maybe your brother. Your own child…what would you say? What is there to say? It’s either their blood or yours. Their life or your life. And either way, you lose. You lose to gain.” 

    “Bull fucking shit.”

    “I had a girlfriend. She and I went to middle school together. I started dating her after so long of withholding my feelings. And as things go, we had sex for the first time. Really awkward inexperienced sex. It was quite comical actually.” He had his full attention. 

    “But, the more and more we did it, the better we got at it. The better it felt. My like for her turned into love. Love, then turned to a baby.” He’d stopped smoking and looked at him. 

    “I told her to keep it. I knew we were young and our parents didn’t understand but I told her, I was going to become really famous and then she wouldn’t have to worry about anything. We’d live in a big mansion in Gangnam and be happy.” His gaze grew hard, a look he’d never seen before. 

    “When Ha-joon found out, she gave me an ultimatum. Kill the baby. Or I could kiss all my dreams of being an idol away. All of this at 15 years old.” 

    “Fuck,”

    “Yeah that’s what I said. That’s what I said as I took her to the abortion clinic. That’s what I said as I watched them pull our child apart…limb by limb. That’s what I said when I tried but failed to stop her from committing suicide.” Lifting those hard eyes to his, he swallowed thickly. 

    “I guess I wanted the money, the fame and the lifestyle more.” At that, his eyes looked down to the dying cigarette in his hand. 

    “You have to make the choice Bon-hwa. What do you want more?” Clapping his back, he took a step back. 

    “Ha-joon said you were getting fat. Now, look at you. Barely any fat on you. When this era is done, promise to eat more.” Leaving him then, he left him to his thoughts, that dying cigarette light slowly growing more and more dim. 

*** 

    “So, he’s starving himself?”

    “No, maman. He’s throwing it up. In attempts to lose weight.” 

    “Dear God…”

    “I don’t know what else he’s doing… what else he’s gotten into.”

    “This is why I told you that you two were moving too fast Supernova.” Sighing, she sat back against the couch. 

    “For all we know, he could be into some dark magic or something.”

    “Maman, Bon-hwa’s not like that. You know him. He wouldn’t get caught up in stuff like that.”

    “But he’s caught up in bulimia.” At that, she didn’t say anything. 

    “What are you going to do? You flew all the way there and now you’ve seen for yourself that you didn’t really know him. The you that you were in high school is no more. And he isn’t the same either.” 

    “Mama….”

    “I’m not saying any of this to judge him. I want you to understand that people change Nova. People grow, people fall. No one is perfect. Not even Bon-hwa.” Closing her eyes, she swallowed thickly. 

    “You’ve put that man on a pedestal since you were 14. You’ve worshipped and idolized him until in your eyes, he could do no wrong. You know, I used to watch you two in church. He’d look bored and uninterested. And you, instead of looking at your bible, you’d look at him.” She couldn’t argue, the memories coming back like a rushing wind. 

    “Now, that you’ve seen something about him that doesn’t fit your perfect picture, you don’t know how to handle it. You don’t know what to do.” 

    “Ma-”

    “Do you love him?” 

    “Of course I do.”

    “I know you do. I know Bon-hwa loves you too.” There was silence on the other end before, 

    “You didn’t think I’d respond this way my sweet sweet girl. But, sometimes reality hurts. Reality is ugly. Faced with it, in life we must make decisions based on what we see in front of us.” She felt her eyes grow misty with tears as she continued, 

    “Sometimes, Nova, love and love alone is not enough. If you love him like you say you do, then don’t get upset. Don’t run. Don’t turn your back on him.” Those tears started to fall down her cheeks. 

    “Nurture him. Care for him. Pray for him. Uplift and encourage him. Speak life to him. That is what is going to bring him out of his dark places my darling. That is what is going to build him back up into the man he needs to be for you and for himself.” Her words resonated deep within and she sniffed, lifting hands to wipe away her tears. 

    “Thank you Maman.” 

    “I’m here for both of you. Now and always.”

    “Thank you.”

    “I love you.”

    “I love you too Mama.” Hanging up, she let the phone slip out of her fingers and for a moment, cried in the dark of the living room. But, when she sat up and wiped them away… she stood up. Going into the kitchen, she flicked on the light and began to gather the empty containers of food on the counter. Pizza boxes, candy wrappers, cake containers. Little by little, she began to throw it in the trash. Swallowing thickly, she grabbed her phone and went back into the bedroom. Snuggling up under the covers, she deeply sighed and closed her eyes. Sleep not long after found her. 

*** 

    When he stepped into the house, he was beyond exhausted. Dropping his keys onto the counter, he stopped and glanced over the clean surface of the island. Swallowing thickly, he turned to lock the door and slid into some house slippers. Taking his hat off, he rustled his hair, damp from sweat. Lifting to pull up his shirt, he dropped it into the dirty clothes basket as he entered the room. There ahead, she laid in bed fast asleep. Feeling his heart grow heavy, he pulled off his sweats and turned to head into the bathroom. Starting the shower, he let the hot water pelt him, eyes closed. You have to make the choice Bon-hwa. Lifting shaky fingers to wash his body, he remained quiet and somber. You have to make the choice Bon-hwa. Feet stepping out, he put on a clean pair of sweats and climbed into bed. Pulling her close, he pressed his face against her. You have to make the choice Bon-hwa. 

***

    It was early afternoon when he woke up and she in that time had made a few important phone calls and took a more in depth tour of his apartment. When he came into the living room, sleep still on his eyelashes and hair a mess, she couldn’t help but grin. He was so cute. 

    “Mornin sleepyhead.” Yawning, he scratched his stomach and grumbled, falling down to lay on top of her as she sat on the couch. Hitting the pillows with a soft ‘oof’ she wrapped arms around him. 

    “When’d you get in?” 

    “7:30.” He spoke against her chest. Playing with his hair, she pressed a kiss against his forehead. 

    “How’d you sleep?”

    “Like shit.” Groaning, he lifted his head and let tired eyes drift up to hers. 

    “You wanna talk now or after I shower again? I feel sweaty as fuck.” 

    “Later.” Nodding, he lifted up when she stopped him, bringing hands up to his waist. 

    “What are they doing to my baby bunny?” He grew stiff, hands fists at his sides. Leaning forward, she kissed the thin fragile skin on his chest, making a breath whoosh out of his throat. 

    “They’re not treating you right.” She said with a kiss, against his pectoral and further down by his ribcage. 

    “Nova…”

    “You don’t need me to judge. You don’t need me to get angry and run.” His breaths now came as shudders as she breezed her lips across the skin of his ribcage and stomach. Gasping out loud, she felt his nether regions react, poking her in the chest. Smiling, she pressed a cheek against his stomach for a while before looking up at him. 

    “I’ll take care of you Bon-hwa. I’ll love you until you can love yourself again.” Lifting his hand, she lowered her lips against the old scars and new healing scars on his wrists. 

    “I won’t leave you. I’ll stay with you and I’ll nurture you until you grow again.”  His eyes had started to grow teary but he kept it together… barely. Standing up, she wrapped arms around him. 

    “Let’s go shower. I’ll wash your hair.” 

    “Nova…I-I can do it mysel-”

    “I’m not taking no as an answer. Let me do this for you. Please.” Jaw tight, he led her lead her towards the bathroom. He didn’t say much as she gently slipped his sweatpants down, or as she ignored the fact that she still had on her pajamas. Turning on the hot water, she reached for his hand and smiled as he took it, allowing her to pull him in. 

    “Sit, bunny. Lemme get your shampoo. Where is it?”

    “Up there.” He pointed above her and watched as she cutely jumped up on her tip toes in order to get it. Reaching for his handheld attachment next to the main shower head, she sprayed him, laughing as he lifted his hands to try to block the water. 

    “Come here bunny…” She wet his hair and gently put the attachment back to the wall. Squeezing the shampoo into her hands, she began to lather him up and he let out a breathy sigh. 

    “Feels good?” He wrapped arms around her and pulled her against him, pausing her hands. 

    “When’s the last time somebody did something nice for you Bon-hwa?” He didn’t speak but he shook his head. 

    “You deserve good things. You deserve to be spoiled too baby.” Gently scratching his scalp she reached again for the shower head and washed the soap out of his hair, watching as the thick soapy suds slipped down his thin frail body. Skin milky and wet, he had began to shake, probably from the cold. 

    “Let’s get you clean here too.” 

    “Nova, please. I can…I’m not a child. I can wash myself.” She lifted and grabbed his body was, the same woodsy scent as his shampoo. Squeezing some in her hands, she lathered it on her hands and rubbed his neck, to his shoulders. 

    “What kind of wife would I be to not take care of you the same way you take care of me?” That made him look up, his cheeks red with embarrassment. 

    “Take a deep breath and try to relax. It’s okay… you’re safe.” Her words seemed to ease the tension in his shoulders and she slipped soapy hands across them, caressing the bones that jut out. Letting her hands drift down and across his chest, she welcomed his arms around her hips now, his hands gripping the cheeks of her rear. Adding more soap, she glided them under his underarms and down to his stomach. His breath had grown heavy and his shaft was fully erect and twitched upward as if to ask her for relief.

    “You’re so hard baby…” Her voice was soft and quiet and her hands slowly slipped down tight muscular abs. 

    “It’s been so long since we’ve made love.” It wasn’t until she’d pressed a small rag in between his ass cheeks that he jolted. Figuratively. Literally. The action made him even harder and he began to shake even more. 

    “Let me kiss it better bunny… like I promised.” He nearly gasped for breath now as she lowered to her knees. 

    “N-Nova…” A kiss to the thick stump silenced him and his hips nearly jerked up off of the seat as she slowly stroked him, soapy hands gliding down slick and smooth. He gripped the shower seat tightly, his head thrown back. Beautiful moans erupted from his throat and she kissed him again, closer to the head. Letting her tongue trace the shape of it, she gently pulled it into her mouth and sucked softly. Still stroking the shaft, she reveled in the way the moans tangled in his throat. He was fighting it. Sucking a little harder on the head, she circled it with her tongue while increasing the speed of her hand. 

    “Fuckkk baby…” Letting him go with a loud ‘pop’ she let go of him. Lifting to stand, she let the soap run off of her and lifted the nozzle to clean him. His eyes were beautiful, those big pleading eyes. He asked with his cheat heaving. His body shook with cold and desire. Leaning down, she kissed him and gave him what he asked for, slowly stroking him again. A short groan against her mouth. 

    “Stop fighting it Bon-hwa… let it go…” Stroking faster now, a weak breathy whimper against her neck made her heart melt. His breaths ran faster together and soon, he released, spurts of cum messily dripping up onto her chest and stomach. 

    “There. Doesn’t that feel better?” He panted, welcoming a sweet kiss.

    “Let’s dry you off kay?”

*** 

     He hated it. He loved it. He wanted more. Her touch. Every fucking where. She made him feel so fucking good. He didn’t want her to stop. He wanted her to swallow him whole… eat him alive. Slut. She’d led him to bed and rubbed lotion into his skin. His throat grew heavy and he stayed still as she climbed up into his lap. Her face was sweet and soft and her touch even more so. She gently scratched his scalp and it soothed the pain and tension away. 

    “Talk to me baby… please?”  He opened his mouth but no words would come out.  Where the fuck would he start? How could he make her understand all of it? Whore. Taking a shuddery breath, he licked his lips. 

    “Where do….where should I start?” His voice was nearly impossible to hear. 

    “Anywhere you like.”