Pride and Logic Chapter 28


Nyota followed Lady T’Pau out into the hallway and filed into the elevator along with her and her two imposing guards. Nyota struggled to control her emotions. While anyone would be honored and overwhelmed by a visit from the great Lady T’Pau, Uhura only felt angered. A late night visit, to her domicile, unannounced, with huge guards greeting her and being commanded to attend her ladyship. Nyota had no idea why Lady T’Pau decided to grace her with her presence, but she had a feeling that nothing good would come of the visit. After the trying events of the day, Nyota wanted nothing more than to strip off her uniform and fall into bed. Perhaps she would wake up in the morning to discover that the last six months had been an elaborate bad dream brought on by indigestion.

Lady T'Pau led the party to the courtyard nestled between Uhura’s building and the next. It was surrounded by tall trees that lent the public space some semblance of privacy. It was empty save for two cadets necking on one of the benches. One look at Lady T’Pau’s huge guards was enough to send them scurrying. After the couple left, the guards took up post at either entrance to the courtyard ensuring that their lady would remain undisturbed.

Nyota stood at attention as Lady T’Pau made a slow circuit around the small fountain at the center of the courtyard. Nyota saw the tactic for what it was: an effort to further intimidate her by keeping her waiting. Finally, Lady T’Pau turned towards her and fixed her with her most quelling stare.

“Thee must know the reason for my presence here this evening.”

“I assure you, I do not know why you have visited me,” Uhura replied. “If you would care to enlighten me, I would be obliged.”

“It is unseemly for thee to play coy,” Lady T’Pau replied. “Let us speak plainly. I demand that thee put an end to the scandalous reports that thee are betrothed to my nephew. I know these reports to be mere lies no doubt constructed to discredit our clan, but I traveled hence immediately upon hearing this falsehood to impress my sentiments upon thee.”

“Pardon me for saying, but I find it completely illogical that you should trouble yourself to come all this way because of a few rumors,” Nyota replied. “Would not a subspace call prove just as effective in achieving your goal? That the great Lady T’Pau would be seen visiting me would only lend credence to these supposed rumors.”

Lady T’Pau’s eyes widened slightly, a sign of indignation that would go unnoticed by most humans.

“’Supposed’ rumors? No doubt thee and thine ilk are responsible for their promulgation. Do thee deny it?”

Uhura sighed. “This is the first that I’ve heard of these infamous tales.”

Lady T'Pau nodded. “Will thee also deny the foundation of these claims?”

“Lady T’Pau, I am under no obligation to answer any of your questions.”

“This is not to be borne," she replied pointing her walking stick at Uhura. "Thee shall answer me. Has my nephew made thee an offer of marriage?”

“Your Ladyship insists that it is impossible, so it must be so," Uhura replied with an arch of her brow.

Lady T’Pau gripped her tall walking stick and leaned towards Uhura, her small black eyes narrowed as she examined her.

“It should be impossible while Spock remains in full possession of his logic. Perhaps in a moment of weakness, thy arts and allurements drew him in. How else could he cast aside his duty to his clan and to Vulcan for a human woman?”

Uhura laughed at the irony of that statement. “If I have used such allurements, I would hardly confess it.”

Lady T’Pau straightened, drawing herself to her full height.

“Miss Uhura, perhaps thee are not fully aware of who I am? I am not accustomed to such treatment as this. I am the head of the S'chn T'gai clan and am owed knowledge of all of Spock’s affairs.”

Uhura rubbed her forehead tiredly. "That may be, but you are not due any knowledge of my affairs as you are no relation of mine.”

Lady T'Pau narrowed her eyes. "Let me be rightly understood. This alliance which thee have the presumption to aspire can never be achieved. Mine nephew is betrothed to T'Pring. What answer has thee now?"

Uhura shook her head in genuine confusion. "Only that if Spock is betrothed to T'Pring then you can have no fear that he would be engaged to me."

Lady T'Pau turned and resumed pacing around the small fountain. "Their union is of a peculiar nature to non-Vulcans. They were bound together in childhood at the age of seven. Their union was the particular wish of their parents and their respective clans. From his infancy the most worthy Vulcan bloodline was sought to be united to the S'chn T'gai clan. His advantageous bonding would undo some of the pollution brought on by his father's illogic. It was no easy task to find an acceptable clan willing to bond their daughter with a half-breed. But the S'chn T'gai name proved to be an adequate inducement.

"To think that centuries of Vulcan tradition and decades of planning could be imperiled by an upstart human girl of no importance and little distinction. It is most illogical. Are thee deaf to the objections of his family and the opinions of the highest echelons of Vulcan society? Have thee no regard for his betrothal to T'Pring?"

"I am sorry for your great disappointment Lady T'Pau," Nyota replied. She worked hard to swallow back some of her anger. As much as she wanted to curse Lady T'Pau for her impertinence and speciesism, she was a Starfleet cadet in uniform talking with a dignitary.
“Your family worked hard to remedy the... taint of humanity in your bloodline. But, the completion of your plans was dependent on others. If Spock is no longer honor bound to T'Pring or inclined to bond with her, why is he not free to make another choice? And if he has chosen me, why might I not accept him if I am so inclined? There are no Federation or Starfleet regulations preventing us from exercising our free will."
Lady T'Pau stopped her circuit around the fountain at this, leaning upon her walking stick before replying in her most commanding tone.
"Honor, decorum and interest forbid it. Yes, interest Miss Uhura. Should thee pursue this illogical union, thee will shame him and cause Spock to be a pariah in Vulcan society. Thine names will never be mentioned by any of us nor will thee be welcome on Vulcan. Thee will bring dishonor to his clan. Neither will thee escape censure, Miss Uhura. Thy career in Starfleet will flounder. Thee will never advance higher than an ensign on a sub par starship. Thy aspirations will be wasted."

Uhura paused at this, considering Lady T'Pau's warning. "These are heavy misfortunes indeed," Uhura finally answered. "However, Lady Amanda has managed to bear them all with aplomb. I am sure that the wife of S'chn T'gai Spock will find similar if not greater satisfaction in her marriage and will have no cause to repine."

"Insolent, headstrong girl!" Lady T'Pau replied, her voice just now rising in volume. "Is this how thee repay me for the attention I showed thee last spring? If thee were a logical being, thee would have no wish to quit the sphere to which thee were born."

Uhura's nostrils flared at this, her stance falling out of attention. "I am a free citizen of the Federation and soon to be a Starfleet officer. I am an adult of my species who is free to make her own choices regarding marriage. Spock is also an adult, a free citizen of the Federation and a Starfleet officer. In this we are equals."

"Yet, what of thy family?" Lady T'Pau challenged, her dark eyes challenging. "Thy parents and relations? Professors and scientists of middling renown descended from goat herders and farmers who scratched a meager living out of the sand."

"If Spock does not object to uniting himself to the daughter of middling scientists and goat herders, what objection can you have?"

Lady T'Pau rapped her walking stick on the stone walkway. "Answer me plainly and true. Are thee engaged to mine nephew?"

Uhura looked Lady T'Pau in the eye. "No, I am not."

Lady T'Pau nodded. "Will thee pledge never to enter into an engagement with mine nephew?"

Uhura lifted her chin. "No, I will not!"

"Illogical human woman," Lady T'Pau replied. "I had hoped to converse with someone of some understanding based on our prior acquaintance."

"I am sorry to leave you unsatisfied, Lady T'Pau. You desire your nephew to marry T'Pring. But I have no influence over Spock's decision. My refusing his suit will not ensure that he bonds with T'Pring. I will not be worked upon by such faulty logic as this. I am determined to make my own decisions based on what will ensure my own happiness and well being without regard to the opinions of people wholly unrelated to me.

"Now, it is very late in the evening and you have imposed yourself upon me long enough. You will not find the answers you seek from me. I bid you goodnight and safe travel to Vulcan."

Uhura turned and made her way towards the exit of the courtyard.

“Kroykah!” Lady T’Pau shouted with a firm rap of her walking stick. "Not so fast, Miss Uhura. I am not finished with thee!"

One of the guards stepped into Uhura’s path, blocking her exit. She took a deep calming breath before turning to face Lady T'Pau.

“I am also aware of thy scandalous assignation with Sybok. Yes, I know it all. It is no surprise that a V'tosh ka'tur would easily fall prey to thy allurements. After that patched up affair, how can thee presume to align thyself with mine nephew?”

Uhura reared back as if she had been slapped. When she managed to regain the ability to speak, her words came out in a hiss.

“How dare you? If you were as knowledgeable as you claim, you would not deign to mention his name in my presence. There was no ’assignation,’ but your nephew Sybok did kidnap and assault me. You call Spock’s humanity a taint, but it was not the half Vulcan who nearly killed me.

“If I were to marry Spock, I can promise you it would not be in order to acquire his family name or any notoriety in Vulcan society. I would marry him because I loved him and he has shown himself to be the very best of men, human or Vulcan.”

Uhura turned her face away, her cheeks warm with embarrassment at her confession. She took a deep breath and felt her anger drain away until all she felt was weariness. Nyota turned back to Lady T'Pau who stood speechless.

"We can have nothing further to say to one another. You have insulted me in every possible way and I will not allow myself to endure further mistreatment at your hands."

Uhura turned and stared the guard down until he stepped out of her way. If Lady T’Pau said anything else, Uhura was deaf to her words. She only wanted to return to her rooms and to put this awful day behind her. During the short elevator ride to her floor, Uhura allowed herself the luxury of a few tears that were quickly wiped away with a few well phrased Klingon curses. She began stripping out of her uniform as soon as she hit the door to her rooms. Gaila, who had been pacing the length of the common room, stopped abruptly upon her entrance.

“What was all that about?”

“Oh, just one of the most respected leaders in the entire Federation warning me to stay away from her nephew,” Uhura replied as she made her way to the bedroom.

Gaila spluttered. “What? You’ve got to be kidding me?” She flopped down inelegantly on her bed as Uhura hung up her uniform.

“Goodness knows, I wish I were kidding,” Uhura mumbled.

Gaila’s eyes widened. “Oh my goodness! This is just like one of those old Terran soap operas. You’ve got to tell me everything.”

Uhura pulled a sleep shirt over her head and turned towards her friend. “Perhaps I’ll tell you tomorrow. All I want to do now is wash my face and fall into bed.”

Gaila followed Uhura to the bathroom, bouncing on her heels.

“You better tell me everything! Its not every day when two huge hot Vulcans show up at your door.”

Uhura stopped in the doorway of the bathroom, holding out one hand to stop Gaila’s progress. “Oh, and I am still mad at you, missy! Don’t think I forgot what happened earlier tonight. I can’t believe you kept Spock’s involvement from me?”

Gaila had the good sense to look ashamed. “I’m sorry, chica. I should have told you that Spock got the ship. But, I only found out when Shuran slipped up and mentioned it…”

“Wait. That's all you knew?"

"Knew about what?"

Gaila squeaked as Uhura pulled her into a tight hug.

"I'll tell you later," Nyota explained as she released her friend and stepped into the bathroom.

Spock felt the coarse red sand shift beneath him as he slowly rose to his feet. The sand was still warm despite the sun having set several hours ago. He stepped from beneath the sanctuary of the canopy that had protected him from the harsh sun during his daylong meditation. Spock raised the hood of his white robes over his head and tilted his face towards the sky. The night sky above him was blanketed in stars. Here in the desert of Gol, the stars shone particularly bright. Spock noted T’ryel and her suitors among the constellations, five stars encircling one bright light. Spock felt himself to be as prideful as T’ryel and the ill fated cousins.

Four months ago he had come to Gol awash in conflicting emotions beyond his control. Spock felt rage towards his brother, untempered by the guilt and despair brought on by Sybok’s death at his own hands. He felt a deep seated shame at the wildness of his actions and emotions while under the grip of pon farr, yet he savored the unbridled freedom that had seared through his veins like liquor. He wanted to return to Earth and claim she who he considered his mate, whom he had won in kal’i’fee. He wanted to run from her, to put as many light years between him and her rejection, between her and his wildness, between her and his poor decisions.

Spock had found that no amount of private meditation could acquit him of the guilt he bore regarding Uhura’s kidnapping and assault. If his pride and desire for privacy has not driven him to remain silent about Sybok’s checkered past, he would have never been thrown into her acquaintance. Uhura would not have been kidnapped or assaulted mentally and physically. Sybok would still be alive or would have met his end at the hands of one of his unsavory associates rather than his own kin.

In his moments of illogic, Spock had fancied that his brother’s cool jade blood still coated his hands. In his dreams, the cloying scent of copper that invaded his nostrils turned to iron as the jade covering his hands morphed into crimson. He’d wake sweating in the middle of the night, struggling to regain mastery of his emotions with each gasped breath.

His sojourn among the priests at Gol had done much to quell these strong and conflicting emotions. Slowly, he began to feel more like himself and found peace in the order and certainty brought by pure logic. Slowly he was able to experience nights of dreamless sleep, the image of Nyota’s broken corpse laying beneath him in the snow fading from his mind.

Yet, no matter how he labored, he could not achieve kolinhar. The emotions that troubled him at the start of his journey had not been banished. They merely lay dormant beneath a new found calm. A sleeping viper poised to his heel strike when he was unaware.

Spock harbored no disappointment at his failure to achieve kolinhar. He had regained mastery of his emotions and a true understanding of the concept of kadith. What is is. He had made an error in his choice to remain silent when Sybok joined the Academy. He held Nyota Uhura in high esteem, yet she was not similarly inclined towards him. His error regarding Sybok placed her in grave danger. His brother was dead by his hand. These things he could do nothing to change. Regret was illogical and unproductive. Kadith.

Spock made his way through the windswept red dunes towards the main temple, a simple domed stone structure that rose several stories above the desert, the torch light making the stone glow a fiery red. An acolyte waited at the foot of the long stairway to escort Spock to the ritual baths that would mark the beginning and end of his journey.

Spock stepped into the chambers and quickly stripped out of his meditation robes. He folded the beige garment and neatly placed it in the basket by the door. He did the same with his undergarments and sandals. They would be collected and sanitized for use by the next pilgrim. Perhaps they would be more successful in their pursuit of pure logic. The clothes he had worn when he arrived at Gol were folded neatly on a table by the bathing chamber; his tunic, breeches and undergarments washed and pressed, his shoes scrubbed clean. He would take nothing with him from Gol save for his hard won peace.

He stepped into the bathing area and smeared his hair and skin with a pungent oil. He used a stiff bristled brush and stone scraper to remove the oil, wiping the instruments clean in a wide mouth stone bowl as he worked. As he removed the sand, oil and sweat, he almost felt a lightening. An illogical notion, to be sure, but one that he appreciated nonetheless. He toweled off, quickly redressed and gathered the few belongings he had brought with him: his communicator, a small canteen, and a few grooming implements.

As Spock's flitter pulled away from Gol, he did not look back to watch the light of the temple recede from view. Instead, he opened his communicator and quickly scrolled through the messages he had missed over the past few months. A few messages from Nyota caught his eye. He stopped and opened her most recent message sent over two months ago. It was brief, only three lines of text. Yet they held a world of meaning.

Commander Spock,
I hope that you are well.
Nyota Uhura



Spock's reply was immediate and just as terse.

Cadet Uhura,
I regret the delay in my response to your missive. I am indeed well. May you also be well.
Commander Spock


Glossary:

Kroykah: stop
kal'i'fee: challenge, battle
Kadith: Vulcan philosophical concept meaning "What is is."
kolinhar: the state of pure logic in which all emotions are purged