Penname: erubescet [Contact]

Real name: Jackie Mesa

Member Since: January 02 2015

Membership status: Member

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Reviews by erubescet


Rated: 17 and older
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[Reviews - 104]
Summary:

 

Undercover agent and assassin, Nina Thompson knew this was going to be the hardest mission she’s ever had to accept for the international secret agency she was in.  It was going to test her in many ways she knew she wasn’t prepared for.  This was going to break her and change her and she didn’t know if she was ever going to be the same.  She falls into a downward spiral of drugs and resentment towards the mission leader, Maxim Sokoloff, an agent she’s always admired until now.  Can Maxim and another fellow agent pull her out of her hole?

 

*Dark Fic*



Table of Contents
Categories: Original Fiction
Characters: None
Classification: None
Genre: Drama, Psychological, Romance
Story Status: Active
Pairings: None
Warnings: Adult Situations, Dark Fic, Drugs/Drug Use, Dubcon, Extreme Language, Graphic Violence, Rape, Sexual Content
Series: None
Chapters: 26
Completed:No
Word count: 35257
Read Count: 20556
Published: May 09 2015
Updated: December 06 2019


Title: Chapter 7: Chapter 7

Don't get me wrong, this isn't a bad story at all, but I'm having a hard time processing somethings.

For example, the overuse of rape and lack suspense building up to it. I understand this a darkfic and rape is definitely in the warning, but this is over excessive until the point I - as a reader - already can predict what's coming next and am already numb to it. It lost its shock value after the first time, seeing we now know that whenever Nina's in Yuri's presence, it's gonna' happen to her.

And there also the lack of buildup and suspense. The suspense is nearly nonexistent, and it doesn't do this story any favors. There's too much reassurance for what's going to come next. For example, We always know that Maxim is goong to see her and comfort her. We always know that he'll be there quickly at some point in the chapter to keep her as safe as she can be without blowing the cover. How about we get rid of that safe guard? Leave her truly alone without knowing if he'll he be there for a couple of a weeks; it's harder to break someone when you have someone around.

The same can be said for a lot of things in this story - there's just an overall lack of buildup, and it REALLY hurts this story since it has so much potential to be awesome.

I also have a problem with the characters - they're 2 dimensional. We know little to nothing about their personalities at all, and it's hard to really feel for them if we haven't emotionally invested in them. So far, the characterization can be summed up as: the Sad Spy, the Helpful Spy and the Bad Guy. There's a lot of oppritunities to give them actual character development, too.

Nina: keep her out of Yuri's presence long enough to interact emotionally with the other girl's in human trafficking. Let her have emotional moments with them, let them share their stories and try to comfort each other. The way Nina responds to this would be great for us to understand a facet of her personality.

Yuri: I think his character is the flattest out of all of them, and it's a shame. We need to see him be an actual boss of a human trafficking business instead almost doing nothing else and spending his time raping Nina. We barely see him doing actual business or taking out his enemies. We don't see a him being a sick fuck by giving people twisted ultimatums for money advancements, or whatever a guy in his position should do. Because right now, he's just a rapist - and while that's vile, that puts him at the same tier as some dickhead frat boy at a party.

Maxim: We constantly see Nina getting broken, but Maxim almost seems completely fine. Give him a moment of vulnerability where he almost breaks his cover because he sees something so terrible he has a moral quandary. Have him doubt the agency more, or share a heart to heart with Nina about how he feels about doing all the shit he did for the mission.

Like I said before, this can make for a fantastic story, but their are some roadblocks.

  - eru

Reviewer: erubescet Signed
Date: June 05 2015

Disclaimer: All publicly recognizable characters, settings, etc. are the property of their respective owners. The original characters and plot are the property of the author. The author is in no way associated with the owners, creators, or producers of any media franchise. No copyright infringement is intended.