The day started off cloudy, the heavy humidity threatening rain – so unlike the sunny, blue skies that usually greeted Miami in the morning. It was an unsettling feeling, the impending storm hovering just in the distance. Perhaps that should have been the first sign that the day would not turn out well.

It was her day off. Between long shifts and the demands of motherhood, Alexx had been feeling rundown lately. With her superior’s okay, she had assigned her work load to her fellow medical examiners and taken a few personal days to recharge.

Everything had seemed normal. After getting through breakfast with minimal fuss, she had kissed her husband goodbye and loaded the children into the car. After dropping Jamie off at kindergarten, Bryan accompanied her to the grocery store. As much as she loved her career, Alexx reveled in the chance slip into the housewife routine. It was a thrill, pretending she had no other responsibility other than her family and home – no dead bodies, no office politics, no deadlines. She hummed to herself as she strapped the chattering toddler back into his car seat – even the gathering storm couldn’t dampen her good mood.

***

Somewhere between afternoon naps and laundry was when the day took its turn towards the worst.

The pain was barely noticeable at first. A slight twinge when Jamie jumped into her arms in front of the school, some discomfort as she cooked the kids’ lunch. It wasn’t she sat down to catch her breath that she allowed herself to notice just how bad the cramps had become. She blamed it on something she had eaten, thinking it just wasn’t agreeing with her stomach.

When she went to the bathroom and saw the blood, she knew that just wasn’t the case.

***

An early miscarriage.

That was what the ER doctor had informed her. Confirmed for her. She half-listened to his textbook explanations, already knowing them from her own medical studies.

She had been six weeks along. That she hadn’t known.

She had always wanted a large family. She loved the feeling of being a mother. She and Henry had discussed adding to the family after Bryan was born. They had even considered trying a few months ago, but Alexx had just started to make a name for herself as a Miami-Dade County coroner and the time didn’t seem right.

Apparently, this wasn’t the time either.

The slight inappropriate humor behind the thought made the emotions bubbly up in her throat, though she couldn’t tell whether it was a laugh or a sob trying to escape. Realizing the young doctor was still rambling at her bedside, Alexx politely dismissed him. He paused momentarily, but finally gave a slight nod before leaving her.

Alexx wasn’t aware of how long she sat in the hospital room, huddled in the sterile white sheets and staring at the wall, lost in her thoughts. She felt guilty for the sadness and sense of loss that had enveloped her. How could she lose something she never knew she had? But she knew now and part of her was ashamed at being happy about it. Happy that she didn’t know until after – she could only imagine growing attached to that little life before it was taken away.

When Henry entered the room, he didn’t hesitate to sweep her into his arms, hugging her as if it could stop the pain – though they both knew it couldn’t. Only then, an irrational “I’m sorry” poised on her tongue, did she let the tears fall.

Outside the thunder crackled and the storm let loose, rain beating on the window pane.

***

In the years that followed, they tried again.

And again.

The loss had stirred something in her. She loved her children dearly, but she found herself yearning for the needed feeling that came with motherhood.

When Jamie turned twelve, Alexx convinced herself that it just wasn’t going to happen. Her chance was over.

***

His name was Tim.

She had been seen him around the lab more than once, but hadn’t worked in close proximity with him until now. He had a slight unkempt appearance and Alexx had to temper the urge to straighten his collar and smooth down his hair. He was smart, though. She found his dedication and fascination with the science endearing. As he settled into the lab, a good portion of the people referred to him as “Speed”, but to her, he would always be Tim.

He didn’t seem to mind.

The more they worked together, the closer they grew. He opened up to her, confided in her about things she knew he’d never tell Calleigh, Eric or Horatio.

She found herself taking care of him. She gave him advice, invited him over for dinner, and lectured him. He weathered it all, no complaints, no demands to stay out of his business. Actually, he seemed to like it.

 When he drove that motorbike to work that first time, she gave him a look. He looked momentarily sheepish, but it disappeared quickly as he began to show off his new toy to Calleigh and Eric. Alexx just shook her head and demanded that he wore a helmet in her best no-nonsense tone.  

It wasn’t until she was walking away and heard Eric say something about “listening to mom” that it dawned on Alexx.

Maybe she didn’t miss her chance after all.