Chapter 1

Callie couldn’t sleep.

Not when all she saw behind closed eyes were slate grey eyes piercing her heart. Sighing, Callie sat up and threw the covers off to the side. She wanted to call Jamie, more like needed to but her pride wouldn’t let her. Callie brought her knees to her chest and pulled her Steelers jersey over her legs. Letting a small smile play on her face, Callie softly rubbed the number seven jersey Jamie got her for her eighteenth birthday. Jamie worked a bunch of odd jobs like babysitting and dog walking to pay for the one hundred and fifty dollar jersey. The look of pride that radiated off Jamie’s face as Callie opened her gift was one she would never forget. Callie closed her eyes and tried not to let the familiar ache in her chest rise back up. The ache never seemed to go away, but maybe it wouldn’t until either she moved on or Jamie was honest and admitted what he felt for her.

More and more as the days went by, Callie felt that it would come down to the first choice. No call or text from Jamie was making the choice of moving past him easy. But she knew for a fact that he still went to see her mother for their weekly lunch. That was one bond Jamie could never break, but it was apparent that he and Callie’s relationship was another story. Taking a deep breath, Callie shook her head and decided to get dressed. She needed to get out the house.

Callie watched Jamie’s stunned face. There was panic in his eyes that she hadn’t seen before. All because she said “I love you”. Pulling her bottom lip between her teeth, Callie moved off Jamie’s lap and headed towards her bedroom. She needed to get away from him while she still had a little bit of pride left.

“Callie.”

Callie stopped walking but didn’t look back.

Jamie cleared his throat. “I know you care about me, but”, Callie held a hand up.

She turned to face him; the tears she struggled to keep at bay fell down her face.

“But what James? I don’t love you? I mean how could I? You are a selfish prick, you know that? Don’t try to tell me how I feel. I, for some dumb ass reason, love you. I fucking love you! And that scares you doesn’t it?”

Jamie stood up and walked to Callie, who was visibly shaking. He loved her, yes, but what did that mean? He was fine with the way they were. They were best friends, who on occasion, flirt with something more. She understood everything about him, flaws and all, and never tried to change him. But, unknowingly to Callie, she was changing him and it scared him shitless. Jamie no longer wanted to hang out at bars and take home random girls because he had a girl at home. A girl whose smile lit up his world and whose tears broke his heart. Jamie had Callie and he didn’t want to lose her, but how could he keep her if he wasn’t ready to actually be with her?

Jamie cupped Callie’s face in his hands and let his thumbs wipe away the tears that marked Callie’s beautiful face. He was the reason why she was hurting, why she was crying. She honestly thought that he didn’t love her and it was crushing him. But what happened if they officially became an “us”? He’s sure it would start off great, would feel as if nothing changed, but everything would. Maybe he would resent the fact that she knew everything about him and would use what she knew against him. Maybe Callie would sick of his moods and finally plush him out her life. Jamie cringed at the idea of Callie leaving him.

“Baby girl, you mean more to me than anybody in my world. I can’t ruin what we have because of feelings. You mean way too much to me and not having you in my life isn’t an option.”

Callie looked Jamie with emotionless eyes. Her usually bright brown eyes were dull and he couldn’t figure out what Callie was feeling. In all honesty, he was pretty sure he didn’t really want to know.

Callie slowly stepped back and turned away heading to her room. Jamie felt a uneasy feeling on his heart, like this was the end of something. Sighing, Jamie headed for the front door. Just as he was about to open it, he heard a soft sob.

“I love you James. And that means nothing to you but it does to me. You are the only guy that has ever had my heart and tonight you proved that you’re the only one who can break it. And even in all of that, my love for you won’t change.”

Jamie felt nauseas as he head Callie continue the walk to her room and close the door. As he close the front door behind himself, Jamie felt his heart break.

Jamie sat and watched as Vince walked towards him. In the last few days, Vince seemed to be the only person who hadn’t mentioned Callie and how stupid he was being. Even Ms. Miller seemed a little distant when he went to see her this week. But that was understandable because Callie’s her baby. Vince punched Jamie in the arm and smiled as he sat next to him on the park bench.

“So when are you going to man up and call Callie?” Vince asked as took out a pack of cigarettes and a lighter.

Jamie snorted a laugh and shook his head.

“Now you come at my fuckin’ head. Wonder why it took you so long.”

Vince slipped a cigarette between his lips and lit it, taking in a deep drawl.

“Because you needed to sort the shit out in your head first. I didn’t see the point of hounding you with questions when all I would have gotten from you are a bunch of bullshit answers.”

Jamie smiled.

“Well thanks for considering me, unlike everyone else. I swear it seems like everyone is blaming this thing on me. I don’t want to change what we have. What we have is good. Callie and her loving me screwed this all up.”

Vince said nothing, but took another drag. After a few moments of silence, Vince stood up and put out his smoke. He looked at Jamie and saw the pain etched across his face. Jamie actually believed he could be okay without being more with Callie that their “friendship” was fine the way it was. Vice looked towards the water and watched the waves slowly creep up to the beach.

“I’m only going to say this once Jamie so please actually hear what I’m saying. You love Callie and she loves you. Stop being so damn afraid of what that means and just be with her. She’s in pain and it’s because of you and your stupidity. Do you honestly think that she’s just going to continue to be your best friend?”

Jamie mumbled yes and looked up at his cousin. “Yes, why wouldn’t she?”

Vince shook his head and sighed.

“You don’t get it and it’s sad. She’s opened her heart to the possibility of you and your love and for you to “regret” that,” Vince held his fingers in air quotes, “has broken what love and trust she has for you. She’ll never see you as her friend again. You broke her heart dipshit.” Vince looked away and began his walk back to his car. He hoped that just maybe he got to his cousin because he was pretty sure Jamie’s window to Callie’s heart was slowly closing.

Callie pumped her legs back and forth, trying to get the swing higher. The warm air brushed past her face as she began to pick up speed. She needed to go higher, needed to feel weightless. Taking a deep breath, Callie pushed herself harder and faster, her legs pumping back and forth in record time. Her stomach began to churn. It was time to stop but why should she. Callie was on a mission and if in that mission she puked her insides out, so be it. At least she would be able to say she had control over something.

Thrusting herself higher, Callie began to feel her chest tighten. She’d forgotten to breathe again, something that happened when she was stressed. Quickly gulping the warm air down, Callie felt herself get lightheaded. Stopping her legs, she slowly descend down back to the sand. Closing her eyes, Callie tried to calm her fast beating heart.

Her heart.

The very thing she opened so willingly to her best friend, the man she loved only to have it thrown back in her face.

“FUCK!!!!” Callie screamed and opened her eyes quickly only to have her vision clouded by hot tears. She was so dammed tired of crying. Tired of getting her hopes up on someone who couldn’t fathom the idea of loving her. Was she that horrible of a person?