Chapter 14 – Face to face with my weakness

“When are you coming back, Chris?” Isobel asked lying down on her stomach on the deck chair.

“For Laurence’s wedding.” I told her and went back to focus on my book.

“You know, Bro. You’re seriously annoying. We came here to visit you and you end up reading and ignoring us.” Kirsten whined. She was sitting on a beach towel next to Owen, a guy she was going out with. He was blonde with brown eyes.

“I agree with the lady.” Kenzo smirked.

I shrugged and closed my book. “Happy now?”

“Very.” Kirsten grinned happily before whispering something in Owen’s ear.

I rolled my eyes clearly bored and irritated by their little display.

Ben and Danielle reached us on the beach.

“Dude, fancy a swim?” Ben inquired.

“I thought we were staying out of water for a while to give Laurence and Giselle some privacy.” I chuckled.

“I think they had enough.” Kenzo eyed them in the water and sighed. “Let’s go then.”

I stood up and so did all the others. Danielle linked her arm with mine and we ran to the amazing Southern France’s sea.

I was alone with the men of the group. I knew they were all worried about me, but I was okay. I was fine.

The girls were out shopping and I was there under my friends’ scrutiny.

“Laurence…I want you to stop being an ass and go back to be friends with Allegra. She’s your other best friend.”

Laurence snorted. “I’m not doing that.”

“Oh, come on. You won’t let what happened between me and her to ruin your amazing friendship. You love her, man. You were there when she went through some tough stuff. I know you miss her.” I tried to convince him.

“I can’t get past the fact that---“ he interrupted himself.

“What, Laurence?” Mark asked curiously.

He shook his head. “No. Listen, it doesn’t matter. I have every right to be mad at her after what she did. We even got into a huge fight. So let’s not talk about this anymore.”

“Okay..” Kenzo said. “So, Mark, any news?”

“Yep.” He grinned “Lalita’s pregnant.”

“Congratulations.” We all said.

“Thank you.” He smiled. “I’m really happy.”

“So how are things going in the office?” I inquired cautiously.

“They could have been better. You old man is the one filling for our position because he doesn’t trust anyone to take up your post.” Ben replied.

I stared at him in bewilderment “Are you serious?” I wanted them to confirm.

“Yes.” Kenzo said.

“Anyway he is not my old man. I know that he is driving you crazy.”

“He asks about you sometimes.” Mark added.

“You aren’t telling him anything, are you?”

“Of course not. We know where our loyalty lies.” Ben said and all of them, but Owen, nodded.

“Kenzo, are you going to do anything about your crush on Isobel?”

Kenzo looked down. “Is it that obvious?”

“Yep.” Mark laughed.               

Kenzo glared at him. “Isobel and you have history.” He said.

“Yes. A one-night stand and an amazing friendship.” I smiled. “You can ask her out if you want. She might say yes.”

“I don’t know about that. Emilien likes her to bits. Can we talk about something else?”

 “Okay….now, Owen?”

He looked at me directly in the eyes. “Yes, Christopher?”

“What are your intention with my little sister?”

He gulped, worried. He knew that my opinion was the only one that mattered. The inquisition was starting.

The wedding. That’s all they were talking about.

Women and men tend to go crazy during weddings. Women either because they are still single, or because they simply love weddings and are excited; men on the other hand are either scared about their girlfriends catching the bouquet, or endure weddings because of the bachelor party.

The atmosphere was tense as I prepared myself for the rehearsal dinner. I was back, if only for a little while. And I was nervous as shit. I was going to meet her again. The last time I had seen her she walked away from me and any possibility of us having a future together.

And now I was going to face her and the embarrassment and the pain once again in front of approximately other 20 people.

“Chris, are you ready?” Kirsten entered my room.

“No.” I answered honestly.

“You’ll do fine. You don’t even have to talk to her if you don’t want to.”

“I don’t know.” I shook my head and sighed in defeat.

Months of sun, parties, alcohol, sea and etc. didn’t do anything but make me more aware of the fact that she wasn’t mine, she didn’t love me.

Anyway, whatever. I could totally ignore my feelings for her. I’d been trying to do so for months. I was fine, I was amazing and if she didn’t want me, her loss!

“Chris…look at me.” My sister demanded.

I did as she asked.

“Don’t let her destroy your self-esteem. You are Christopher Thomas Fitzwilliam, the socially awkward 32 years old man who single-handedly caused his father to revalue his attitude towards him. You are successful, handsome and an amazing person. You are great, and I am not saying this only because I’m your sister. You are a great man. And I want you to remember that when we get to Laurence and Giselle’s house. I want you to remember what I’ve just said to you when you see her. Don’t show her your weakness. You are not weak. You are a Fitzwilliam, damn it!”

“Should I clap at your pep-talk?” I smiled grateful that my sister was this great.

“If you must.” She grinned and hugged me.

“Thank you, Krissi.” I hugged her back and kissed her cheek. “You’re amazing.” I pulled away. “Now, is your boyfriend coming?” I inquired, my voice showing my distress at only acknowledging the fact that my sister wasn’t single anymore.

“Yes. Owen will be there with me.” Her eyes shone. She was in love with this guy she met at a concert. She even brought him to Italy with her.

Owen was a good guy overall. He was 25, he was a journalist at the New York Times and he loved my sister.

However, that didn’t mean that I had to like him.

“Let’s go.” I told my sister. “So, did you tell Owen that you’re not moving in with him?” I frowned. Stupid Owen trying to steal my little sister away.

“I told him I’ll think about it, but that I think we’re moving too fast and that we have to slow down. I think he wants me to move in with him because then he wouldn’t have to deal with you all the time.”

I gasped and then snorted. “Pff. I am doing my job as your brother. I have to protect you. And I will still protect you even after you get married to this Owen.”

She blushed in response.

“You think I didn’t see your notebook full of Kirsten Fitzwilliam-Andrews. At least you have the decency to keep your last name.” I laughed at her embarrassment.

As soon as I got in Laurence and Giselle’s home, I spotted her among the other guests.

She was beautiful. Breathtaking.

My memories of her didn’t do her justice. She was wearing a 1960’s style sleeveless red dress that stopped just under her knees. At her feet black pumps. I remembered those legs wrapped around my waist as I made love to her. I tried to turn around when she saw me, but her eyes held me captivated. I guess her spell was still as strong as ever.

The world disappeared as I felt something pulling me towards her direction, as if we were two opposite poles attracted to each other. Magnets.

I guess for the other guests our staring at each other could have seemed creepy. But hey, give me a break. It had been ages since I saw the woman of my dreams. The constant of my life. My sun.

Okay. I’ll stop with the sentimental crap.

Didn’t you notice that I now curse and talk less proper English? Spend the majority of the summer with your friends partying all the time and speaking mainly French and Italian  and that’s what happens.

But back to the story…

I stopped myself from approaching her as I remembered my sister’s words. I broke our stare competition with my head held high and looked for Laurence.

Dinner was definitely an awkward affair for me. I didn’t speak to her. I didn’t have to. I just smiled at her every now and then, but that was it. However, I wanted to run away. I didn’t want any of this. I didn’t want to fake being happy as my heart was bleeding from the old wound.

I sighed, excused myself and left the dinner table. I went to the balcony in need of fresh air.

I could feel her steps behind me, but I didn’t turn around.

Once I was outside I took a deep breath. I knew she was behind me, but I wasn’t going to break the silence.

“Chris…” she whispered after a few minutes.

“Allegra..” I said, without turning around.

I couldn’t do it. I couldn’t hide my weakness. She was my weakness.

“You look great. I guess the vacation did you good.”

“Yes it did.” I faced her. Her face was lightened up by the moon.

Silence. And to think we didn’t run of things to discuss merely 4 months earlier.

“You disappeared.” She stated in an accusatory tone.

“As you did.” I simply said. Emotionless.

“True.” She took a deep breath. “I don’t know what to say, Chris.”

I shrugged. “No one asked you to say anything, Allegra. You’re doing everything on your own.”

“I…I miss my friend.” She admitted reluctantly. “And it hurt me to know that you didn’t want anyone to tell me where you were.” She let me know her true feelings.

“Please. Refrain from telling me any sob story.” I spat out.

She looked at me incredulously. “What?”

“You heard me, Allegra. If you followed me to just stomp on my heart once again I suggest you stop from doing so. I don’t want to hear about your alleged pain.” I said calmly.

“How can you say this, Chris?” her eyes filled with tears and rage.

“Listen, Allegra. I do not want to argue with you. This is not about us. This is about Laurence and Giselle getting married. Let’s focus on them.”

“I know, but I want to know why you left.”

“Because I can. I wanted to go away and live my life. I wanted to separate myself from anything and anyone that was the reason for me to keep staying in New York. I wanted freedom. And I thought I had achieved it.” I chuckled humorlessly. “Just to find out that I’m still bound to you.” I shook my head in defeat. “I missed you too, Allegra. But that doesn’t change a thing. I can’t be your friend anymore. It hurts too much. And although I want to make you happy I can’t desire my self-destruction.” I told her the truth.

“Chris…I was scared. That’s why I ran away. I thought it was a joke.” She tried to justify herself.

“Okay.” I said not convinced.

“I care about you, Chris. You’re my friend and---“

“See? I wish you could see me as more than your friend. I know it’s not your fault. You can’t decided whether you want to love me or not. I just wished you told me instead of leaving me there heartbroken after making love to you and telling you that I love you. You treated me like plain crap that didn’t deserve any consideration.” I sighed in frustration. “Whatever. My feelings are not important. I’m tired and I’m leaving. Please, let the others know. Thanks.”

I was now the one leaving her there, on the balcony with no explanation.

The wedding to go and then I could avoid everyone perfectly from the other side of the world. Yuppie!

Wedding came and wedding went. It was great, and I shed a tear as I saw my best friend getting married to the love of his life. I hoped they would be happy forever.

I was obliged to spend a lot of time with Allegra seeing as she was the maid/matron of honor and I was the best man. That didn’t mean that I had to talk to her, though.

Speeches were made, but unfortunately I wasn’t as attentive as I was for the ceremony. I was tired, and I wanted to go home.

I also wanted to get this all over with so I could psychologically prepare myself for my year around the globe. Six months in Africa and six months in India. Vaccinations had been done, things had been packed, money had been paid. In a week’s time I was going to do make a difference in the lives of other people.

“So you’re leaving again?” Allegra inquired.

“Yes.”

She hugged me and this seriously caught me by surprise.

I frowned and remained stiff. I didn’t know what to do.

“I hate you Chris. I hate you for doing this to me. I was fine before you came into my life. I was fine before we became friends. I was fine before you fucked me!”

“Don’t!” I was angry. “I didn’t fuck you, Allegra. I loved you that night, so I suggest you stop from reducing it to mere fucking.”

“Shut up! That’s what it was. You fucked me. You screwed me. You nailed me, you shagged me, you boned me—“

“Shut up! Shut the fuck up!” I yelled at her.

Thank Lord we were in the garden and no one could hear us.

She looked at me in the eyes. Shock registered on her features.

I mumbled “Listen I can’t take this---“

And she kissed me. I didn’t want to respond, but I did in the end. I kissed her back with all I had in me.

We couldn’t find her car quick enough. As soon as we got in, we undressed almost at the speed of light. My hands were on her body all at once. I wanted her, I needed her. And she wanted me, she needed me. Or so it seemed.

And we fucked. What pushed me to having sex with her wasn’t my love for her but simply anger, desperation, a primal need I had to satisfy.

Orgasms after orgasms we kept going on, and we kept going on, until exhaustion took us over, the interior of her car and the steamed car windows the only witnesses of our deed.

And I left in the morning. This is not what I wanted. I couldn’t deal with only sex with Allegra. Ironic, if I consider that in the past that’s all I wanted from her.

I wouldn’t be her bone ami.

And that’s what I wrote to her before leaving her behind. I knew this decision was going to hurt the both of us, but at least I knew that I was making the right choice.