Chapter 4 – ‘Notte in bianco’

(In Italian Notte in bianco means sleepless night or in this occasion a night sans sex.)

A few weeks had passed since that faithful night and Laurence and I weren’t on the best terms. Thank God he had stopped bugging me about Allegra, however, I knew better. He wasn’t convinced. And the fact that I didn’t see her since that night was getting to me. I dreamed about her almost every night. I was obsessed. My days were spent daydreaming or thinking about her, what she might have been doing, and the nights were spent either awake trying to get some sleep, or dreaming about her and waking up sexually frustrated more than ever.

And the worse thing was that I tried to get it on with other girls but it just wasn’t….I just couldn’t feel any attraction for them, and even if I got carried away, my…I….I think you got it, right?

It was quite embarrassing, you know? A woman willing and ready….and I couldn’t get to…well, whatever.

“Hey, bro.” Kirsten said after getting in the penthouse. “Wanna go out tonight?” she asked grinning.

“Not really, no.”

“Come on. You’ve been sulking for weeks. Stop being an emo and go out. I’m hanging out with a few friends tonight at this club. My mentor is gonna be there, so you can meet her!” she tried to cheer me up.

“I don’t feel like going out, Kirsten.” I argued.

“Why are you being like this? What’s wrong?” she looked at me, worried.

“I don’t know.” I simply stated “You know what? I’m coming with you.” I said just to make her happy. I really didn’t want to go out and meet up with her friends, but I wanted to get her out of my case.

She smiled big and sat next to me on the couch. I put her head on my shoulder and I stroked her hair.

“When do we have to leave?”

“In 5 hours.” She said calmly.

“Okay.” I sighed. It was going to be a long night.

5 hours and 30 minutes later I found myself standing with my sister at the entrance of this new club. I don’t know if it really could be considered a club, it was more of a lounge bar with a dance floor. The atmosphere, even at the entrance, was sophisticated and chic, meaning that not everyone could go in.

“I just texted Al. She put us on the list, so we won’t have any problem getting in the VIP area.” My sister told me while we were in line to get in. “We wouldn’t have all this problems if you would go out more.” She huffed.

I rolled my eyes “Whatever, Kirsten.”

A few minutes later we were being led by a guard in the club. We followed him upstairs where only the elite could go.

Finally we reached our destination and my sister ran away from me and hugged someone.

“Where are the others?” she asked that person.

“They are coming now. I invited a few friends of mine…do you mind?” she said.

I couldn’t believe it. It couldn’t be her.

“Allegra?” I tentatively asked while getting closer to my sister and the stranger.

“Fitzwilliam?” she pulled away from the hug she was sharing with my sister and looked as shocked as I was.

“Well…you already know each other, then.” Kirsten said smiling big.

“Yeah…we do know each other.” She said. It was clear she was feeling uncomfortable as I was.

“Well…how have you been?” I asked, trying to make some small talk. The butterflies in my stomach started fluttering and my heart was beating faster and faster.

“Good. You?” she answered looking me in the eyes.

“Fine.” I said flatly before checking her out.

She was wearing a light blue dress that stopped at mid-thigh and for the first time I was seeing her legs. Her legs were better than I had imagined in the past few weeks and I was feeling the temperature rising by only staring at them. I looked away.

“So…” I said rubbing my neck awkwardly. There was tension between the two of us, I could feel it. Was it sexual tension?

I was interrupted by the footsteps of different people climbing the stairs.

“Hey girl.” I heard a deep voice say.

“Bobby!” Allegra’s eyes sparkled in the light as she walked past me. I turned around to see her hugging a black man, he wasn’t really black, he was probably mixed.

I felt anger, as I saw him hugging her tight. I was mad at that ‘Bobby’ for hugging who was supposed to be mine, and I was fuming because Allegra was letting him hug her and touch her hair.

“I missed you” he said, his voice full of emotion.

“I missed you too. It’s been too long.” She replied. Was he her boyfriend?

He kissed her forehead. That gesture felt like a stab in my back. Why did it hurt so much? I was confused. I couldn’t understand what were my feelings. My mood swings were even worse than a pregnant woman’s ones.

“Hi Chris.” Laurence patted my back “What are you doing here? Did Allegra invite you?”

“No. Apparently Allegra is my sister’s mentor at UN.” My voice was full of rage as I clenched my fists.

“Jealous, aren’t you?” he chuckled “If I were you I wouldn’t worry about the love between siblings.” He smirked and left me alone to reach his girlfriend who was sitting on one of the couches. He sat down next to her and kissed her softly. When he pulled away she smiled at him, her eyes full of love.

I wanted what they had. I wanted it with Allegra.

I liked her. That was obvious.  However, that didn’t mean I had to like it.

The VIP area was getting crowded with people who Allegra seemed to know. I hated absolutely every second of it, especially the look men sent her way.

I took a deep breath before walking up to where she was standing next to her brother. He raised an eyebrow when he saw me approaching them.

“Hello.”I said bravely. Allegra stared at me with nonchalance.

“Hi. Robert let me introduce you to Christopher Fitzwilliam. Fitzwilliam, this is my brother Robert Carter.”

I extended my hand, and he took it and shook it. “Nice to meet you.” I smiled.

“Likewise, man.”

Now that I was closer it was obvious that they were brother and sister. The eyes were the same if it wasn’t for the colors: hers were hazel-green, while his were just hazel.

“Allegra, would you like to dance?” I asked. I was nervous, but I showed confidence, in order to deny her the opportunity to really understand that I was freaking out.

She stared at me, her eyes wide open. She tried to say something, but it seemed completely impossible. She was dazzled. She just nodded to give her consent.

“Let’s go, then. Do you mind Robert?”

He smiled “Not at all, Chris.”

Oblivious to the stare of the others in the secluded area of the club I took Allegra’s hand in mine and I led her to the dance floor. Electricity.

The song that was playing was fast and soon enough we fell in sync with the upbeat rhythm of it.

“This is a really nice club, isn’t it?” she asked.

“Yes, it is.” I smiled at her. I was going to play my cards. Either way I couldn’t stop myself anymore. I wanted her. I was literarily freaking out for my need of her. I had come to the conclusion that I liked her, but this was all on a physical level. The only thing I was sure about was that I was desperately craving for her body.

The song finished and soon enough another started….I knew that song…and I started mouthing the words while tentatively putting my hands on her hips while dancing.

‘She’s the kind of girl you wanna marry, the kind of girl you walk the whole earth for’ Robin Thicke’s voice started singing.

I pulled her closer and our movements were becoming more passionate, sensual. I pulled her even closer so that our noses were almost touching. I leaned in and gave her a kiss on the cheek.

I was waiting for her to stop me and slap me, but the slap never came. As the song progressed, our dancing again became more and more intense. My hands were moving one moment up and down her back, and the next they were either getting closer to her buttock, or messing up her hair. Her eyes were sparkling and I knew mine were to. If I wasn’t mistaken they were full of lust, desire. My heart was pumping frantically in my chest and I felt butterflies moving non-stop in my stomach. For Goodness’ sake was this another dream, another fantasy?

She turned around and now her back was against my chest. My arms went around her waist pulling her as closer as possible. I left a gentle kiss on her neck and she shivered. I liked that. I was the one making her shudder. I kept leaving small kisses on her neck, on her ear, on her shoulder and she whimpered. She was fragile, so breakable...so okay with what was happening. She even started grinding

I let her go. This was no good. She hated me, I couldn’t do this…but now she was facing me again and I was lost observing her lips, her delicate nose, her cheeks, her eyes...

“What’s—“ she started, confusion written on her face.

I interrupted her by putting a finger on her lips. We were still moving at the rhythm but I was more preoccupied tracing her lips with my finger. She trembled under my touch.
I was on fire, I felt goose bumps all over my body.

“Chris…” she mumbled against my finger. My name seemed a verse of a poem when she said it.

“Yes?” I asked, my voice husky.

“Fucking kiss me.” She ordered me.

The girl was seriously bipolar, in my opinion.. She hated me for all I knew. However she had just asked me to fucking kiss her.  Who was I to say no to her?

Both my arms were back around her waist. I leant in and our noses touched briefly. I looked her in the eyes before closing mine and brushing softly her lips with mine.

I felt overwhelmed with feelings. Lust, passion, desire, and electricity, everything….I had never felt like this before that moment.  I never wanted to pull away. I kissed her harder, her hands finished on my hair. I wanted to feel more, much more. I traced her bottom lip with my tongue and she instantly granted me access. Out tongues were dancing together and I felt on cloud nine.

The lack of oxygen made me pull away. She gave a small urgent kiss and took my hand and led me somewhere. I followed her without protesting. We reached an empty room of the club and we started to kiss again, the kisses now even more urgent.

“You’re amazing.” I mumbled against her lips. She smiled and I smiled back.  I slammed her against the wall “Sorry.” I said before devouring her lips once again. Meanwhile my hands started travelling up her thighs. She moaned my name and I felt myself getting more aroused if possible.

“Oh, God, Chris…” she moaned again.

The logic part of me, however, didn’t want to be found in this compromising position in the middle of a club “I want you.” I whispered, my breath worked up. “But we can’t here. Someone may come in and—“

“Shhh.” She said “No one will find us here. And if they do whatever.” She grinned and gently nibbled my neck.

I sighed in delight. Suddenly her legs were around my waist and I gasped, startled.

“Let’s get outta here.” She whispered, her voice husky.

“Yes, let’s get somewhere else.” I said breathlessly.

I helped her unlaced herself from my waist. Her feet touched again the floor. I intertwined our fingers and we got quickly out of the room and the club. She led me to a parking where her car was staying. She quickly opened it and we got in. She attempted to start it but I stopped her.

My lips reached hers and we kissed again. My hands were caressing her hair while hers were working on the buttons of my shirt. I helped her get on me so that she was straddling me again. I pulled down the straps of her dress and pulled away from our heated kiss. I gently kissed her bare shoulder.

“You are beautiful.” I said kissing her shoulder again.

“Am I?” she asked after shivering.

“Yes, you are.” I confirmed.

“So I am not barely tolerable…” she asked, her voice insecure.

“You are not, believe me.” I chuckled. I unzipped her dress and it fell to her waist. “Sei bellissima, Allegra.”

I stared at her chest covered by a blue strapless lacy bra. I licked my lips. I attempted to unhook her bra when she stopped me .

“Fermo.” She whispered.

“What?” I asked immediately stopping.

“I can’t. Non posso. Io dovrei odiarti...”

“Why?” I asked her confused.

“Sono un’idiota.” She talked to herself. She put the straps of the dress back on, and zipped it. She got up from me and sat back in the driver seat.

Slowly my breath returned normal, although my pants were really too tight for me at the moment.

The car was completely silent if it wasn’t for me buttoning my shirt. I tried to make myself presentable.

“Allegra…” I started but decided to shut up. I sighed before opening the door of her black Maserati Gran Turismo S. “Could you please take my sister home, if it’s not a problem…I can’t go back in there acting as nothing has  happened…”

“Sure…” she said avoiding my face.

“Look like you’ll need to christen your car with someone else.” I said sarcastically, my voice bitter. I got out of the car and slammed the door, angry.

I was pissed…she had the audacity to say that she was supposed to hate me! Why? Why when her body told me she wanted me as much as I wanted her. She had moaned and shivered under my touch and kisses. Why make it more complicated? It could have been a one night-stand, or maybe  something more. I didn’t understand her. The last time I had seen her, before that day, she hated me, insulted me, called me a pervert, accused me of checking her out…and now we almost had sex.

I needed someone to help me sort this mess out. However, I couldn’t talk to Laurence…he would have made fun of me. Maybe my therapist would have been able to help me…I really didn’t know what to do.

It started raining and I snorted. That was exactly what I needed. While I walked I realized that maybe Laurence had told me the truth….maybe I really liked her…maybe…I couldn’t entertain that thought, seriously.