Chapter 4

I was confused. What was wrong with me? Why did I hug George? I didn’t want to be with him anymore, remember? And then how could he seriously still want to be with me after what I’ve done to our unborn child?

Yes, it was all my fault if it had died. I wasn’t looking after myself properly and my behaviour had denied that innocent person the chance of living their lives to the fullest. I hated myself sometimes.

“Emma, what’s wrong?” Christine asked, worried as usual.

“Nothing, nothing really.” I reassured her but I knew she could see through the façade. I didn’t care, though.

I needed to stop with the negative thoughts, though. They were really dragging me down. But it was so hard. It was a vicious circle, a circle that I hated and enjoyed at the same time. I almost felt like I deserved the pain I was inflicting upon myself and felt like I was getting a just punishment. I felt like a penitent fustigating herself for her sins.

A part of me, deep down, tried to convince myself that it wasn’t my fault. That maybe that child was not destined to live, but it was my fault nonetheless. And that made me mad at myself, at George, at the world.

“Emma, do I need to ask Jennifer to prescribe you anti-depressants?” she threatened.

“No. The therapy is helping, I swear. And I don’t want to become suicidal thanks to the medicine.” I snorted at the end.

“I’ll try to believe.” She said uncertainly.

“Good.” I smiled at her genuinely.

That wasn’t a lie. The therapy was helping me deal with some of my issues with George. However, it didn’t solve the guilt I felt.

Maybe, I needed to turn myself back to religion. Maybe I needed to embrace the Church of England once again. However, my faith had never been strong, and my belief in God had always been uncertain.

We were at mine’s drinking a cup of tea whilst looking at Wedding magazines. Yes, in the end Christine finally put Karl out of his misery and agreed to marry him.

“I really like this dress.” I told her as I showed her the beautiful strapless ivory wedding dress that I found on one of the magazines.

“That is rather lovely, Emma.” She smiled big.

“I suggest that we go to one of those wedding dresses boutiques to see the potential dresses instead of just looking on magazines. That would mean that you could also try them on and we could find the perfect dress for you.”

“I agree. We should tell Jennifer so that she can tag along.” She clapped her hands in excitement.

“Totally.” I grinned. “This should be fun.”

“I want you to be my maids of honour.” She said out of the blue.

“Oh. I thought you were suppose to have only one.” I frowned, confused.

“Well, Jennifer was yours and I was Jennifer’s, so you still have to do it.”

“Oh.” I thought about it. Did I feel like doing that?

“You don’t have to do it, if you don’t feel like it, Emma.” She quickly said. “Sorry. I thought you felt up for it, but that was inconsiderate of me. I mean, your situation—“

“It was just a shock. I really am happy about this, Christine. I would be honoured to be your maid of honour.”  I put my tea cup down and hugged her.

As I hugged her, I felt like I just had an epiphany. This was just an occasion for me to have fun and pick myself up.

I knew I still loved George, and that a part of me would always love him, but the pain was going to be a little more bearable every day. No one dies of heartache. Although I felt guilty about the loss of our child, that didn’t mean that I had to be unhappy. And I was unhappy because I couldn’t seem to move on and get back to my former self.

Being the maid of honour at one of my best friend’s wedding would help me get back to my former self. I was tired of being depressed, of feeling like I wasn’t enough. I was going to turn my life around but I needed to do something in order to truly commit myself to bring the real Emma back.

I broke the embrace with my friend. “Thank you, Christine.” I told her, my eyes full of tears. “Thank you.” I hugged her again and cried tears of relief.

Emma was coming back. The Emma that stood up to George when he kissed her and didn’t talk about it for ages. The same Emma who broke up with George when he started to distance himself from her. The same Emma who could lead her team at work. The same Emma who didn’t let anyone decided for her. I had let George consume my entire existence, he was everything. Now I needed a new everything. My children, my friends but most of all myself.

“Dr. Jameson, I came to a decision. I will communicate it to you once I break the news to George.”

“You look different.” She noticed happily.

“I am different. I had a wake- up call.” I told her, my smile big.

“I’m glad that that is the case.” She smiled back at me. “You, Emma, are on the path of recovery.”

“I know.” I sighed in contentment.

“Do you want to talk to me about anything else?”

“I need you to help me deal with my guilt.” I was determined. I was going to be better.

Years previously.

“Jerk.” I muttered. “Can you believe that asshole?” I told myself. I hated him when he acted like that. Who did he think he was to raise my expectations and then treat me as if nothing happened between us?

He had been the one to kiss me, damn it! I should have been the one ignoring him, considering that he had kissed me and he had a girlfriend. At least he didn’t have one anymore now. I have to admit that that made me slightly better.

“Emma, are you okay?” my mother, Emanuela, asked me worriedly. “You can always talk to me, you know that.” She patted my back and smiled.

“I know, mom.” I told her.

“Is it about George?” she suggested, smiling.

“What about him?” I tried to act clueless, but I knew my mom could read me like a book.

She giggled. “You like him, don’t you?”she said to me happily.

“No. I love him.” I told her honestly. “And he’s just confusing me.” I told her. “Nothing to worry about.”

“I think the guy feels something for you.” She reassured me.

“I don’t know about that, mom.” I hung my head low.

“Trust me on this, Emma. Trust me on this.” She kissed my forehead. “Do you want a cup of tea, darling?” she asked.

“No, thank you.” I smiled at her.

My phone started ringing and I looked at the caller ID. I rolled my eyes and picked up. “Emma, speaking.”

“Emma, hi.” George said and I felt butterflies in my stomach. Traitor!

“Hello, George.” I say coolly.

“What’s wrong?”he asked. His voice sounded so worried.

“Nothing.” I told him without betraying any emotion.

“Emma, I miss you.” He said honestly.

“Good for you.” I told him.

“Emma, why the attitude?” he was now irritated.

“You ignore me for weeks and then suddenly decides that it is time to talk to me? Fuck off, George.” I said aggressively.

“Listen, Emma. I have responsibility here at university. I don’t expect you to understand, but homework and a loads of other things have kept me busy.” He snapped.

“You know what? I don’t have to deal with this. You kissed me and then ran away without giving me a chance to say anything. You enjoy playing with people’s feelings? Fine. You will not play with mine!” I snapped back and hung up.

I sighed annoyed. This guy was driving me crazy.

A few days later, it was Friday. I was at my school. I stayed behind because I really wanted to get some work done in the library. I was tired and annoyed and that made it harder for me to concentrate on my philosophy homework. I sighed in frustration as George invaded my thoughts.

I gave up and decided to call it a day. I was in desperate need of a cup of tea and I wanted to go home. I packed my bag and checked that my keys and my oyster were there.

After saying bye to my friends, I found myself getting out of school getting ready to walk to the tube station not far from there.

And then I saw him leaning on his mini cooper.

I felt my heart jump. What the heck was he doing here? He was supposed to be in Scotland!

“Hello, Emma.” He said sheepishly.

“Hello, George.” I replied with civility.

“You don’t mind me accompanying you home, right? I think we have a few things to discuss.” He told me as he opened the door for me.

He went to the driver side and got in.

The ride was silent for the first 20 minutes. It wasn’t a comfortable silence. Far from it.

I sighed deeply.

“Emma. I’m sorry for the other day. I missed your voice and I really wanted to call you. I thought you were going to be happy to hear from me, but I was wrong. I’m sorry for not calling you. I wanted to give you space after what happened in December.”

“Well, you thought wrong. What kind of friend are you, George?” I said, pissed off beyond measure.

“I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to hurt you, Em.” His voice was full of remorse. “I was embarrassed. And I was working out a plan to make you fall in love with me.” he admitted.

“What? Why?” I frowned confused.

“Because I love you.” He stated simply. “And I want to be with you.”

“Oh.” I replied, surprised. Well, my mother had warned me about his feelings.

“Oh?” he asked incredulously. “That is all you’re going to say?” his voice betrayed the hurt he was feeling.

“Well, I’m shocked. You had a girlfriend when you came to London for the holidays. How can you have feelings for me?” I told him what I felt.

“I love you, Emma. I realised that I loved you when I came. Now, do you love me or not?”he was growing impatient.

He parked in front of my house and looked me straight in the eyes.

“Fine. I love you too.” I said sincerely.

He grinned at me and caressed my cheek. He tentatively leaned in and stopped just a mere inch from my lips. “Do you want to be with me?”

I merely nodded, a big smile on my face before I closed the distance between our mouths and kissed him.

He kissed me back immediately. His tongue seeking mine as I opened my mouth to grant him permission.

I felt like I was on cloud nine. Yes, I knew it wasn’t going to be easy with us living in two different places, but I knew that if we kept loving each other, we were going to be fine.

We interrupted the kiss in need of air. “Thank you for making me happy, Emma.” George whispered.

“You’re welcome.” I smiled back.

He kissed me again.

“Mom?!” Darcy said worried as he looked at me.

“Hey, Darcy.” I greeted him.

He sat next to me on the sofa and I kissed the top of his head.

“How was school?” I asked him.

“It was really good. We started looking at poems in French.” He smiled at me.

“Did you do your homework?” I inquired.

“No. I will do so in a few minutes, mom.” He reassured me. “Dad left me here and went to pick up Emilienne from tennis.” He informed me.

“Good.” I nodded. “It’s almost 5 o’clock. What do you want to eat for snack?”

“Tea and biscuits will do, mom. Unless you made a cake...” he looked at me, his eyes full with hope.

“You’re lucky, kid. I made a chocolate cake today.” I grinned. “Let’s go and get the kettle on. Meanwhile you can tell me all the fantastic things that you did at school.” I stood up and so did he. We went hand in hand in the kitchen.

I smiled at Darcy. Gosh, he looked so much like his father.

“Mommy, I wish you came to watch me play tennis. Daddy said that I’m improving.”

“Of course you’re improving. Emilia.” George said, smiling proudly.

We were finished playing our game of scramble and it was 8.30. Bed time was approaching.

“Come on guys, it’s time to go to bed.” George picked a tired Emilienne up.

She yawned. “I don’t want to go to bed.” She said as she put her head on George’s shoulder.

He sighed and rolled his eyes in my direction.

Darcy helped me put everything in order and then he went upstairs. I followed shortly after.

I went to Emilienne’s room as soon as she was changed and ready for bed. Her hair was in a pony tail and I could tell that George had brushed it properly.

“Mommy and daddy, I love you lots.” She said as she was falling asleep. We both kissed her forehead and waited for her to get completely out of it.

Then it was Darcy’s turn.

“Night, baby.” I told him as I kissed his cheek. “Sleep tight.”

“Goodnight, Darcy. Sweet dreams.” George said as he kissed his forehead.

We both exited the room and I closed the door quietly behind us.

“You look much better, Emma.” George commented as he hugged me to me.

I just smiled.

We went to our respective rooms and got into our pyjamas.

We met each other again downstairs and got each a glass of red wine.

We talked about many things. Work, friends, Karl and Christine’s wedding and etc.

I tried to work out the gut to tell him.

“Emma, what’s wrong?” he asked curiously and apprehensively as I frowned.

“I need to make a step towards my full recovery, George.” I told him, my voice calm and relaxed.

“You’re scaring me, Emma.”

“I don’t need to be living under the same roof as you, George.” I said with honesty. “One of us need to move out.”

He gaped at me, unable to say anything. “Would this move be temporary?” he asked, his voice trembling, almost cracking.

I stared at him in the eyes. I could see the tears collecting in his.

“I don’t know. One step at a time. I need space, George. I need to become fully independent from what we had. I’m sorry if this upsets you.” I looked at him and I felt bad for hurting him. However, I wasn’t going to take a step back.”

He put his glass of wine down. “If this is what you want, okay. I am going to move out.”

“I still want you to be present as much as you can.”

“You mean I could come here every evening for the kids?”

“Yes. I don’t want them to feel alienated from you.” I reassured him.

“I guess I’ll have to move in back with my parents, at least for a while.” A tear spilled from his eye. He quickly dried it and put on a stoic face.