Chapter 6

“So why did you ask me to babysit your kids?” Taylor asked as he drank his cup of tea in my kitchen.

“I have to go out.” I told him.

“A date?” he smiled at me. Something was wrong in the way he smiled at me. It didn’t look sincere.

“A friendly date.” I précised. I scrutinised him and saw that he seemed almost relieved?

“Who is taking you out on a friendly date?” he inquired curiously.

“George.” I answered by looking at my hands. I avoided his eyes, afraid that he would judge me.

“Oh...” he paused. “Have fun, I suppose.” He gave me a forced smile.

I sighed. “I don’t know if I should go. I mean it’s just a friendly date. Do you think I should cancel?” I asked him, my voice uneasy.

“That, I cannot tell you, Emma. It is your life, and I can’t take decisions for you, even though I think you have an idea of what I would do if I were you.” He touched my hand and squeezed it before pulling away.

The little comfort that he had give me gone.

“You are the voice of reason, Taylor.” I grinned at him.

“I know.” He smirked. “The kids are unusually quiet. I guess the cartoon is that good?” He shrugged, changing the subject.

“I think you’re right. They are more active when watching TV. Let’s go and check on them.” I said as I stood down from the kitchen stool.

I went in the living room and saw Emilienne and Yeoshua sleeping in front of the TV. A peaceful expression on both their faces.

“Aww.” I cooed. “They are so cute.” I whispered.

Yeoshua was the spitting image of his father. Since I met him, the similarity with Taylor was becoming more and more evident. He had the same beautiful eyes and black jet hair. He was such a lovely child and he was quite a close friend of Emi.

“Should we wake them up?” he whispered smiling.

“Let’s give them 10 more minutes and then they can go to bed.” I grinned back.

We went back to the kitchen.

“Let me know how the date goes, Emma.”

“Of course, Taylor. You’re one of my closest friends.”

He frowned and he assumed this pained expression.

“What’s wrong?” I asked worried.

“Do not worry, Emma. Something distressing related to work came up to my mind.”

I knew he was lying. However, I decided against pressing him for the truth. I knew him well, and he hated being pressured into something. He would just clamp up and avoid saying anything.

“Okay.” I said unconvinced.

Taylor was an introvert and shy person. He was never one to speak too much. But he always knew the right thing to say. He loved what was known and stable. He loved his tranquillity. I was always pushing him into trying something new. In other words we were exact opposite. I talked too much, and I was always up for a challenge. I guess our friendship was a good thing.

Since the day we met, we always kept in contact. He had been there for me when I needed someone who would not judge me. Although I loved Christine and Jennifer to bits, there were certain things I was afraid to tell them as I knew them. They would not judge me, nor look down on me, but I would see the disapproval right in their eyes. Taylor was judgement free. He listened carefully, weighted the pros and cons and then expressed his opinion on a matter. He thought about things, I spoke before thinking. I was impulsive, he was not.

I knew I had a crush on me, but I would never act upon it. If he fell in love with me, I would hate to hurt him. My heart still belonged to George, as much as I hated the fact that he had still such a strong hold on my heart and my feelings. However, the pain was becoming less and less stronger. Time was healing my wounds.

George loved me, and a part of him would always love me as I him. However, I was aware of the fact that getting back together would only complicate things. I needed to become independent, and although I missed not living with him, I admit that it had done me good. I had to time to reflect truly about myself and my behaviour in the last two years, since George had asked me for a divorce.

I did not want to move on in the past. I remember telling George that we needed to leave together because I did not want to traumatise our children. That was just one of the reasons. Yes, I wanted my kids to live with their father, but I did want him to continue living with me to delude myself that everything was still the same. I gave myself to him because I deluded myself that by offering him my body I would bring him back to me. By letting him do as he pleased with me, he would come back to me. How wrong I had been! My behaviour had only brought about more sufferance not only for me but for George and the children.

Sometimes I asked myself how things would have been if I had asked George to leave the house sooner. He would have not been there when I was suppose to go clubbing that night to stop me, and we wouldn’t have had sex. We wouldn’t have been friends with benefits, I wouldn’t have felt dirty afterwards, I wouldn’t have felt the need to still believe in the illusions that things could go back to how they used to be. That would have never happened.

And maybe I would have found myself with a broken heart healing faster. George would have never realised that he was still in love with me- if that is truly the case- and I would have moved on with my life. My need to hold on to the past kind of ruined everything. And here we were now, a broken family trying to heal itself. Another statistic. Another divorced couple with the two kids, and the broken picket fence. We didn’t even get the chance to get the dog. Damn.

I needed to stop with the what-ifs. But they always brought me to the possibility of no problems emerging between me and George and a third baby when he wanted it or a less painful divorce and me maybe moving on with Taylor?

Gosh, why was he always in my mind? Was it for gratitude, was it because I loved him as a friend? Why did I always think about him recently? That was not good. I did not need another man invading my thoughts to make things worse. I needed to straighten my life around without having to rely on a man.

George was my universe in the past. He wasn’t anymore. However, I did not need to put another man in my universe. I just needed to put myself and my children as my main priority.

“Thank you for accepting to go out with me, Emma.” George smiled sheepishly.

“It’s okay.” I told him.  I looked back at the menu in front of me.

We were at Skylon, a restaurant in the Royal Festival Hall.

“Do you know what you plan to order?” he asked me.

“The scallops as starter and the beetroot risotto.” I answered and closed the menu and put it back on the table. “You?”

“The roast chicken salad and the pea and shallot tortelloni.”

He looked at me in the eyes and smiled. “How was your day?” he inquired.

“It was quite good actually. Work is fine. I got to spend time with Emilienne as I had an early day, and Taylor kept me company before you came over to pick me up.”

He frowned as I mentioned Taylor. Nothing new there. He disliked him, probably because he realised that I had a crush on him or something.

“So...how is Taylor?”

“Good.” I grinned.

He clenched his jaw.

I rolled my eyes in response. “Do you want to say something?”

“Yes. But I don’t know how you will take it.” He told me by staring me right in the eyes.

“Try me.” I knew I was playing with fire. George looked pissed.

“You like him.” He stated.

“Of course I do. He’s my friend.” I replied, annoyed already.

“No. You like him more than a friend.” He said, angry.

“I do. However, I do not wish to act upon these new found feelings. At least not now that I still have feelings for you, even though I should not.” I told him calmly. “You just have to accept that Taylor is important for me. I did not wish to develop any kind of feelings for him. At the moment I just have a crush on him. So, do not worry yourself, George. I don’t feel ready for a relationship with any one, to be honest.”

“Oh. Not even with me.”

“Especially not with you.” I emphasised, my voice cold.

He looked at me hurt. His face a mask of pain. “Wow, that really made me feel better.” He spat sarcastically.

“I need to become emotionally independent from you, George. I’m getting there.” I told him. “I’m sorry if my words have hurt you in any way, but I’m simply stating the truth.” I put a hand on his. “Anyway, this is supposed to be a friendly date. Let’s talk about something else.” I told him.

He intertwined our fingers and kissed the top of my hand.

“As you wish, love.” He smiled at me, a determined glimpse in his eyes.

Oh Shit. That was not a good sign.

“How was your outing with Darcy today?” I asked him.

“It went quite well. We had a good father-son bonding moment.” He grinned happily, his eyes full of love as he talked about our son.

“So what did you do?” I was curious. When Darcy came over with George he was happy, something that he hadn’t been when he spent time with his father for the last two years.

“Well we talked about you, a lot. And we played videogames. He totally kicked my ass, but next time I will be the one winning.” He blushed a bit at admitting defeat.

“You talked about me?” I frowned. What the heck did those two say?

“Yes, we did. He said that I’m getting back in his good graces, but another faux pas and he’ll give me the cold shoulder.” He said. “I asked him if he loved you more than me.” he stated simply.

“And?”

“He affirmed that that was not the case. And if the situation was reversed and you had been the one hurting me he would have treated you as he treated me. However, he admitted that he normally feel much closer to you as he is a mummy’s boy after all.” He smiled sweetly. “I’m glad that Darcy’s hate days are over. I just need to keep on the right track.”

“This news make me happy.” I told him.

He moved closer to me and kissed my cheek. “I love you.”

“Please, stop.”

“Why?” he inquired as he left small kisses on my hand. He started caressing it slightly. His touch so faint that I thought I was imagining it.

“You’re playing dirty, George.” I said, my voice trembling. I did not want to feel this way. However, his touch was igniting fire in me.

“All is fair in love and war.” He whispered.

“No, it isn’t. You played dirty too many times George. If you really love me as you claim, you should try and be fair with me. Do not try to seduce me. Do not make me hate myself for giving into you.” I said. “Just don’t...” I whispered. My voice trembling.

“I love you, you love me. We can work on our issues, Emma. We can get back together. Slowly, I know...but...”

“I’m not ready. I’m not ready for what you’re asking of me, George. Just don’t screw this up. Be my friend, not my lover.” I tried to get through him.

He looked at me intently and leaned in. He kissed me softly, his lips lingering a few moments on mine. And then he pulled away.

“Sorry, Emma.” He looked down, ashamed of his behaviour. “It’s just that I love you so much and the idea of us never getting back together literally breaks my heart. I love you. I really do and we can do this your way, I promise. Just tell me how.”

“Be my friend, George. That is all I ask of you. I hope that if we are meant to get back together, then everything will follow from there.” I blinked, trying to stop the tears that welling up in my eyes.

Dr. Jameson looked at me in the eyes. “You did the right thing, Emma. Giving into George could have brought you a few steps back. You need to be strong and think about you, now. Later on, you can rebuild your relationship with George, but only after you’ve rebuilt yourself and your self-confidence.

I sighed in relief. “Thank you.”

“I also think that you should try and seek clearly to identify your feelings for Taylor. Do not necessarily act on them, but at least try to see if you are simply infatuated with him, if you’re only feeling gratitude for him other than friendly love, or if you’re projecting your fears of being on your own by trying to seek out a new man to put at the centre of your universe. There is always the possibility that you like him for no other reason and that you are simply falling in love with him.”

I looked at her surprised. I guess she noticed that I had feelings for Taylor when I spoke to her about how he is always there for me.

“Do you by any chance dream of him, Emma?”

“Yes, I do.”

“What kind of dreams, Emma?”

“I depends.” I looked down. “Sometimes they are simply of us hanging out as friends. Sometimes it is us...kissing and....you know?”

“No I don’t know, Emma.” She smiled at me. “I need you to tell me, if you feel like it.” She reassured me.

“Well...it only happened once. It never happened before. And I don’t know how I feel about this. I kind of am avoiding Taylor as a result. It was a really really hot dream, and it made me feel a bit guilty afterwards, as if I should not be dreaming him but George instead.” I sighed. “We were having sex. Not love, sex. Hot steamy sex in his house’s kitchen table. And it was amazing. It was pure and animalistic, and it felt so real.” I looked down, embarrassed. “I know it’s wrong. I should be dreaming about George and me in steamy situations, and those dreams still occur, but...I just feel attraction towards Taylor, and I did feel like this since the day I met him.”

“I think that now that George is not anymore all you see, you are simply allowing yourself to see Taylor as you always wanted to see him. I remember you telling me once that if you weren’t in love with George you would pursue a relationship with Taylor. Maybe you are not in love with Taylor. The fact that you dreamt to have sex with him instead of making love to him kind of tells you about your feelings.”

I avoided looking at her in the eyes.

“Emma, do not be ashamed. You are a single healthy woman. I know it’s hard, as it is the first time in your life that you are thinking about another man other than your husband. Take your time, and think about what you want. Maybe you want to give George another chance or explore your feelings for Taylor, or maybe none of the above. Just don’t rush, take your time and evaluate your life. Do you really need a man now?”

I shook my head.

“Don’t let anyone rush you. You will be fine, Emma.”

I smiled at her, feeling so much better.

That night I dreamt Taylor again. Sex, again. I woke up drenched in sweat and horny as ever. I felt embarrassed as I sought to relieve myself.

I replayed the dream in my head.

“Emma, fuck.” Taylor exclaimed as he looked at my naked body as I joined him in the shower.

“Yes, fuck is the right word, Taylor.” I smirked at him. “I want you to fuck me.” I told him as I licked my lips at the sight of his package.

He pulled me closer to him and picked me up, the water running down our bodies. His lips crushed mine as he entered me easily. I was already wet for him.

He pounded into me like a mad man. We came together and I felt my body tremble as I yelled his name and he yelled mine.

We looked at each other in the eyes and smiled satisfied as I gave him a hungry kiss.

“That was hot.” He told me.

I nodded unable to say anything.

After that dream the only two things that I wanted to know about Taylor were: a) whether he was packing as he did in the dream; b) whether he was so passionate in bed.

Fuck, I was in trouble.

My life was already complicated. Why the heck did these dreams start now?!