Chapter 8

I was stunned. A few weeks had passed since George apologised to me for being a controlling jerk, and he had took my advice and backed his words with actions.

I still couldn’t believe that George finally did understand that this wasn’t a one person relationship and that my role was not to appease him all the time.

I guess it was my fault too, for letting him make all the nig decisions in our relationship. I had allowed him too many times to get his way, for instance, when we entered a friends with benefits relationship that had led me to an almost complete loss of my self esteem, and to distrust him. Thank Lord, those days were over.

I was still confused. I did not understand why he wanted me back. He claimed that he was still in love with me, and although a part of me believed him, it was hard for me to do so completely when I had clear in my mind, as if it had been yesterday, the day when he told me that he did not love me anymore.

And then again, I had to think about Taylor too. Nothing had happened between us, and although I thought I wanted to explore those feelings, I felt that it was unfair because I knew I will always love George, and I would never love anyone the way I love him.

Yes, I was more independent. And yes, I really liked Taylor. However, George would always be the man my heart beats for. And even if we would never get together, and maybe my heart would be able to love someone else, a part of me would always belong to George. My first love. The man I married 12 years previously. The father of my children.

Although he had been a bit controlling when it came to us being a couple, he had always been there when I needed him, and he had been my best friend, and for that I was grateful.

I just hoped that we could be friends as we were in the past again. I would be perfectly content with just a friendship between us.

Years previously...

Shit! This couldn’t be. It couldn’t have happened this fast.

I was only 23, for God’s sake, and I felt like I had no control over my life anymore.

When all my girlfriends spent their time getting wasted, clubbing, and living the true life experience, I was married. Yes, with a man I loved, who wasn’t fond of me going clubbing.

Of course I could go out with my girlfriends as much as I wanted, but George was such a baby and always jealous of other men looking at me.  We’re talking about a man who crushed my hen’s night just to make sure that no one took advantage of his drunken fiancée.

I sometimes missed the independence and freedom, especially since George had been pestering me about having a kid as soon as we were married.

Thank Lord I’d been able to postpone the whole thing for 3 years. I didn’t want to be one of those pregnant uni students. Ridiculous. I wanted a well established career before having babies. When we got married, the ideas of babies crossed my mind as something in the distant future. Something we would have thought about in my late 20s, but of course George did not agree with me.

I still remember our conversation the day after our wedding, in our bed, after a marathon of sex.

He was lying on his stomach between my legs. He kept looking at me in fascination as if that was the first time he’d truly seen me naked. He started giving little kisses to my belly and looked at me strangely. His eyes, shining brightly.

“I guess we’ll have a baby in the next nine months.” His voice full of emotion.

“Nope. We’re not.” I told him a bit harshly.

He stopped caressing me and looked me in the eyes. “Why not?”

“You remember that I’m still a student, right? I want to finish my degree and attempt to establish my career before we even think about kids, George.” I told him the truth.

“But I thought you wanted kids as well. Why else would you stop taking the pill?”

“Because I’m getting a shot, now. I was always afraid I’ll forget the pill, and after the pregnancy scare of the last time, I would try to avoid.”

“Emma...I want a kid. Now. I don’t want to wait. That’s the only thing that is missing in our life. A baby, all ours, created out of our love for each other.” He said, his voice emotional.

I sighed in frustration. “Not now, George. Please....give me at least.....3 years! Yep, three years.”

He looked at me suspiciously. “But....” he protested.

“Three years.”

He sighed in resignation. “You always make me wait, Emma.” He left a butterfly kiss on my navel. “Okay. Three years, not a day more, nor a day less. But that’s as long as I’m willing to wait, Emma. I love you, and I want to have children with you.” He smiled at me, his eyes full of love.

“Children?” I looked at him worried. “Wait...how many do you want?”

“At least 5.” He grinned at me.

“What?! Are you mental?!” I said in fear. “I’m not having 5 kids.”

“Okay, I can be fine with 4.” He moved up so that his lips were a few millimetres from mine. “Deal?”

I rolled my eyes and smiled. “Maybe, we’ll see.”

“Three years time.” He whispered before his lips met mine in a passionate kiss that made me want him all over again.

And now three years later I was going to panic big time. I was late, incredibly late. Almost a month late. And I could not understand how I could already be pregnant when we discussed the ‘having a baby’ issue just last week.

Of course I’d tried to tell him that I did not feel ready, and of course George was furious. He did not want to hear it.  He went all cave man on me trying to convince me by seducing me and fucking me like his life depended on it. I knew my husband well enough. Before we started dating, he’d found other ways to get his way, but since we’d become sexually active as a couple, his idea of persuading me was no more with words but by fucking me into submission.

That, for once, didn’t work, and he changed tactic. He pleaded and almost cried, talking about how a baby would make our life together even better.

I told him that I wanted babies but I just felt that it was not the right time, at least not now. I’d finished my master a year previously, and I’d been working only for a year.

He had the audacity to say that it did not matter if I worked or not, because he would take care of me, until the end of time.

I was pissed as I reminded him that I was not going to be one of those housewives letting their men taking care of them. My career was important to me, and I did want to fulfil all my dreams.

That bloody liar. That bloody bastard knew beforehand that that was going to be my reaction. He trapped me!

I stopped getting a shot under his insistence that the three years were always up. So we switched to the pill and later on to condoms.

I hated condoms and so did he. But he had promised me that he would always be careful and wear the cap. And if he didn’t he promised that he was going to take it out just in time. Jerk. He tricked me.

I started shaking with sobs.

I loved kids, but I did not want to have one now. What if I was a horrible mother? What if my kid turned out to be a delinquent because I was crap at parenting?

George found me later on in bed hugging my knees to my chest.

“Em, baby, what’s wrong?” he looked at me worriedly.

“As if you don’t know.” I muttered, sadly.

He sat down next to me and looked at me confused. “Emma, what’s wrong?” his voice full of fear.

“Don’t lie to me, George. You know that I’m late. You know that I’m pregnant and it’s all your fault, you and your fucking games!” I yelled at me and started crying.

He avoided my eyes and smiled happily, sure that I could not see him. How wrong he was.

“Emma...”

“You did it on purpose. You convinced me to change birth controls methods....why don’t you ever listen to what I want, George?” I kept crying.

“Emma, love. I’m sorry. I...I did not think you would feel this way. I thought you would really be happy if you were pregnant.” His voice was full of regret.

“Since when do you think, George? You think only about what you want! What about me?”

“Emma, please, calm down. I’m sorry. I really am, believe me.” he took my chin in his hand and looked me in the eyes. “I love you, I love you so much.”I could see his eyes shining with unshed tears. “Please, Emma...I beg of you, do not kill our baby.” His tears now staining his cheeks. “It was wrong of me to force you like this, but please do not kill our innocent...”

“I would never have an abortion, George. I love you, despite your faults, and although this baby was not planned, at least not on my part, we will keep it. I am just upset at how you tricked me. That’s all.” I told him before kissing him with all I had in me.

Almost 8 months later Darcy Sebastian was born.

“Emma...” I heard George call me.

“Yes?” I answered, my voice hoarse. I turned around and looked at him. He was hotter than ever. His hair a bit longer than usual. I loved it. I just wished I could touch it.

“I trust that you received my text?” he asked, looking at me confused.

“I did. I just forgot to reply.” I smiled sheepishly at him. “Sorry.”

“It’s fine, love.” He grinned. “I would send you flowers, but I know that you are not a flower’s girl.”

“Never have been and never will be.” I blushed and avoided his eyes.

“Emma, look at me.” he told me. His voice firm. “I don’t want it to be awkward between us. Please...” he pleaded. “If it makes you feel better I’ll try to stop saying that I love you—“

“No! It’s fine. You can say it if you want to.” I almost yelled.

“Oh. Okay.” He stared at me strangely. “So...have you decided what you’re going to do with Taylor?” his voice took a severe tone. His face flashed with pain and hurt.

We were back to being friends. So I told him what I might feel for Taylor.

“Nope. I will do so soon, though. I mean, we don’t speak openly about it, but...something is...there.”

“If you feel like exploring your feelings for him is the right thing to do, go for it.” He whispered the last part.

“Are you serious?” I asked incredulously.

“Of course, Emma. I want your happiness, and if you’ll be happy with him, who am I to stop you from being happy?” he shrugged with non-chalance.

This was the ultimate test. He let me go. He gave me the ultimate freedom to choose what I wanted, who I wanted.

This was new George. Old George would have preferred dying than saying those words. But this George was showing me as he had done in the past few weeks how much he cared about me. And if he could give me his friendship but at the same time step aside to let another man have me, then maybe, then maybe...

I felt my heart beating fast. So fast that I could feel my breath becoming more and more erratic.

But I was scared shitless. Did I really want to take the risk and be with him, again?

“Merci, George.” I whispered. I gave him a kiss on the cheek.

“Taylor...” I held his hands in mine.

“I know why you wanted to see me.” he said, his eyes sad.

“I’m sorry.” I told him. “Don’t think that your feelings are not returned, Taylor. I love you.”

“But you love him more.” He stated simply.

I nodded. Unable to say anything more that would hurt him.

“So will you go back to him?” he inquired, his eyes full of pain.

“I don’t know. Not now, at least. We have to keep consolidating our friendship.....but let’s talk about you...”

“What’s there to say? If you want me out of your life---“

I put a finger in front of his lips. “No. I want you in my life. You’re my friend, Taylor. I don’t want to lose you. I know it sounds incredibly selfish, but...please, do not get out of my life.” I pleaded.

He kissed the finger in front of his mouth. He looked me in the eyes, emotions were running through them.

And then it happened. My arms went around his neck, and his around my waist. And we kissed. A profound, bittersweet kiss. A kiss that expressed the end of something which never really stood a chance.

The kiss lost its intensity. And it ended in little pecks.

“Love you.” He said.

“Love you too, friend.” I smiled, my heart aching at the same time for causing us both pain.

“Goodbye potential girlfriend.” He smiled.

“Goodbye potential boyfriend.” I smiled back.

“Emma, be happy. I want you to be happy. Do it for me because I always knew I could not make you as happy as you could be. Live your life so that I know that the heartache was a good enough sacrifice.”

“I promise I will. In my time.” I took his hand in mine and kissed it. “I’ll see you next week when you come over with Yeoshua.” I told him trying to smile as genuinely as possible.

He accompanied me to the door and let me out.

I sighed, feeling contrasting emotions. I was relieved that I still had my friend, and happy that I now could really see where life could lead me. However, I felt guilty for causing pain to Taylor and pain because a part of me was breaking.

I would get over it in the future. I would be fine. Emma is strong now. Emma can make it through anything.