My name is Jayden Harrington Winston and I am a certified asshole.  There I said it.  Yes, I’m an asshole. .I’ve hurt people.  I want to change, but I don’t know how. I have a condition called mysophobia.  I hate germs.  In fact germs scare me. I used to wash my hands every hour, but now with therapy, not as much. I’ve been scared of germs since I was seven.  I don’t know why.  I can’t stand to see dirty things.  I wipe everything off because of germs.  I sanitize my hands after contact with others.  My doctor says that I have a milder case because I’m not afraid of human contact and I don’t sanitize every single thing I touch, however it doesn’t feel like a mild case to me.

Jayden looked down at what he’d written on the yellow legal pad and quickly tore off the page and tore it up into small pieces before dropping them in the wastebasket under his desk. Dr. Hansen had told him to write down his feelings, but he wasn’t ready for her to see what he’d written.  Writing, however did help relieve the tension that he felt and kept him from responding as he normally would. Dr. Hanson called it CBT(Cognitive Behavior Therapy).  He would write down what he was feeling and then replace the negative feelings with positive ones.

 So much had happened to him in the last forty eight hours and stress always brought out the worse symptoms of his disease. He had called Dr. Hansen and she’d reminded him to write things down and to consider that action cleansing instead o continually washing his hands.

He turned around and stared out the window, not really looking at anything in particular.   His mind was consumed with thoughts of Tamaeya Jackson and the situation that he now faced; his past coming back to haunt him.

Jayden thought back to his time in college over ten years ago. He never would have noticed her on his own back then.  She was not the type of woman he normally dated.  In college, he’d often done outlandish things without thinking about the consequences, especially when they didn’t affect him directly.  He did these things hoping to keep his secret hidden, to keep his friends distracted so that they wouldn’t catch on.

 Once when his friend Jeffrey asked him why he wouldn’t sit down when he came to his dorm which was quite messy, Jayden hadn’t answered him, instead he’d taken off his clothes and streaked across the campus nude.  His actions had been the talk of the University for a month and he almost got suspended behind his actions.  He dated a lot, bragging about his conquests hoping that his friends wouldn’t find out the real reason why he never stayed with a girl because he feared that she’d  pick up on his secret; nor the fact that he always showered for an hour after having sex with them.    Now looking back, he was full of regret. He had hurt people, women especially because of his obsession with hiding his secret.  He had hidden it well…until Tamaeya came into his life..

Tamaeya Jackson was black and from a poor family.  He had seen her around the  University during his Junior year  and had later discovered that she had transferred there on a scholarship There weren’t that many blacks there and she stuck out like a sore thumb.  He had never dated black girls, especially ones with ghetto names like Tamaeya.  He had only approached her on a dare after losing a bet on a football game.. His reputation as a ladies’ man was well known around the campus of New Haven State University and he had bragged to his friends that he could get any girl that he wanted.

Back then,  the urges weren’t that bad and most of his friends just thought that he was a neat freak.  There were rules that roamed around in his head.  He never kissed women on the lips, oral sex was out of the question unless it was being received and he always wore a condom and took a long shower after sex.  He never stayed overnight in someone else’s bed and never allowed them to sleep with him either.

Tamaeya  at first had appeared to be the stereotypical looking black girl.  She was extremely dark and her lips…well her lips were big.  She was cute enough, but she wore glasses.  Jayden didn’t do girls with glasses…ever!    Not only did she wear glasses, but she had the typical big butt that black girls were known for.  Jayden liked his women slim with big breasts, not butts.  He had told his cohort Jeffrey that he must be kidding when he had first pointed out Tamaeya and issued his challenge.  She didn’t meet any of the criteria that roamed around in his brain.

“I bet you can’t get with HER”  Jeffrey had challenged him. Jayden knew that girls found him attractive.  His chestnut curls and large green eyes always captured the ladies’ attention. He was tall and muscular despite his slim frame and he had been told that his voice would melt butter.   Even with all that,  he’d never tried to date a black woman before and had called foul on Jeff’s challenge.

“Now I thought you were an equal opportunity lover”  Jeff had snickered.  “I picked one that’s not so cute, just to give you a chance.  She should fall into your arms with no problem just from the attention from a guy like you.”

“Maybe she doesn’t like white guys”  Jayden had replied, wondering if she was clean.  “I think you’re setting me up to fail.”

“No fair, man!”  Jeff protested grinning.  “I’ve been watching her a whole week!  There’s no guy…at least here on campus, so go for it.  If you’re all you say you are, then you shouldn’t have any problems.  Now just to be fair, I’ll give you two months to get the booty.  You lost the bet and I can pick out what girl I want you to seduce.  The deal is double or nothing so you have no choice.”

“Fine”  Jayden had reluctantly agreed. He hadn’t dealt that much with black people.  He’d heard once that they didn’t wash their hair everyday.  He wasn’t too sure about pursuing this girl.  However he wasn’t one to back down from a bet and when he’d first approached her, he found that she smelled nice as he stood near her, and that eased his jittery feelings somewhat.

At first, she rebuffed his advances, but he was determined to win her over with his charm and prove to himself and his friends, that he could get what he wanted

He had never worked so hard to get a woman’s attention in his entire life.  He hadn’t counted on the weird looks from his classmates when he’d finally wore Tamaeya down, and she agreed to go out with him.  He hadn’t expected the two of them to enjoy being in each other’s company, nor the unexpected physical attraction he felt for her.  He didn’t understand it why she had such an effect on him, but she did.

Jayden found out that Tamaeya was highly intelligent and came from a small rural town in Virginia.  He was amazed to find out that she had a double major in Business and in Accounting.

 He had to admit that he found her attractive and that she was different from any other girl with her wiry afro which was a head full of fluffy corkscrew curls.  He’d never seen anything like it and had resisted the urge to touch her hair. The butt that he had dismissed as too big, now seemed to beckon to him every time he watched her walk away.

But it was their first kiss that had sent him over the edge.  At first he had no intention of kissing her full lips.  He didn’t kiss on the mouth because of his fear of germs.  Her lips had been distracting…until she’d actually kissed him.  He hadn’t expected the rush of heat between them, the softness of those sexy lips, or the groan that had involuntarily come from his throat upon initial contact.  He had planned on kissing her cheek and she had grabbed his face and kissed his lips instead.  She had opened her mouth, but he had quickly pulled away, stunned at his own response.

Two months flew by, and while they continued to kiss, Jayden still wouldn’t open his mouth, and would try to distract her by touching her breasts.  The deadline for the bet was fast approaching and he knew that there was no way he was getting her into bed by that time and resigned himself to just pay up, but he still wanted to see Tam even after the bet was settled.

 He told his buddies that he’d never backed down from a challenge and they had slapped him on the back, egging him on.   He’d used that excuse to keep seeing her, and they believed him.  It was all a sham.   The truth was that he had been smitten by this black girl but he hadn’t wanted to admit it. His empty player days were over as he found himself giving Tamaeya his full attention.   That was the beginning of the end.  He had lied and had been deceitful.  He’d been a punk who hadn’t wanted to admit to his friends that he was in love with a black girl and it had come back to bite him in the ass big time.

Graduation had been four months away at that time and Jayden remembered going all out.  He’d taken her to dinner, bought her a diamond heart shaped necklace and told her that he loved her.  Tamaeya had finally admitted that she loved him too, but he hadn’t been prepared for her confession of being a virgin.  She thought that he was one also because of his lack of kissing skills and he didn’t bother to correct her assumption.

 Jayden had never been with a virgin before. Guilt filled his mind but quickly dissolved as he watched her finally undress for him.  He had wanted her badly, but being her first was a prize that had been totally unexpected.  She was a twenty three year old virgin, and he found that unbelievable.  She was clean. She was perfect and she was his. Never had he wanted a woman as badly as he wanted Tamaeya.

He realized that he should have come clean then and told her everything, even  that he’d used the bet to further hide his problem from his friends.   If only he could take it all back, but he couldn’t.  If he had told her about the bet, confessed his true feelings…then maybe just maybe things could have turned out differently for them. 

But he hadn’t done that.  Instead he had taken what she so freely offered.  The first time he’d used a condom, but the second time, he had not which was a first for him.  It had taken him six months to seduce her, longer than it had taken him for any other woman and a part of him didn’t want any barrier to be between them, and he’d never felt that way before.  He was being selfish he knew, but he couldn’t help it.  He hadn’t been prepared for the emotional attachment that had developed…he hadn’t been expecting to fall in love with her; but it had happened and he knew that being with a black girl would not be an acceptable choice to his family or his friends.

Jayden did what he thought was best at the time.  He broke it off with her on graduation day.  He had told her that it wouldn’t work out  He had plans, he thought and it was one thing to put up with the whispers and stares from fellow students for being with her, but in the real world a black woman on his arm was not an acceptable choice.  He decided to cut his losses and Tamaeya had been devastated by his actions.

Jayden had submerged  himself into the family business of real estate.  The Winston name was well known and his family was worth millions.  He pushed Tamaeya to the back of his mind, dismissing it as just a college romance, though he knew that it was much more than that.  He knew that he was fooling himself.  No amount of sexual debauchery had relieved him of his desire for her.  He couldn’t forget that first night, the innocence in her eyes, the pain of giving him what she’d never given to any man.  He had been her first and only, and that being the case, oral sex had never entered his mind until Tam. 

The smell of her arousal had pulled at his senses and he’d slid down her body without even thinking about it.  The salty sweet taste of her sex was an aphrodisiac causing an ache that took control of his mind and body. Knowing that he had been the only only one, knowing that no one else had tasted her goodness, fed his hunger in a way he couldn’t explain.   He was lost and he was hooked, but it hadn’t been enough.  He was a Winston and he was the only son…the family’s legacy bearer.  A black girl was not acceptable even though it was the 21st century and he’d given in under the pressure his parents had exerted on him.

Even with Obama in office, things were still the same.  The people in his family’s circle were politically correct in public and sat around talking about that ‘uppity nigger’ when they were in their own private circles speaking about the President.  Jayden wondered if things would ever get to the point of being equal between the races.

He sat in his large office and thought about the millions Winston Enterprises had made since he’d come on board.  His father had made him CEO and he had more money than he’d ever spend in his lifetime, and yet he was miserable.  He was alone and dammit he was still angry about the cards life had dealt him and even his role in the matter.  After Tam, he’d reverted back to his old habits of cautious casual sex with women that he had no attachment to, but it wasn’t the same.

His body would get the relief it sought, but afterwards he felt empty inside.  The urge to jump up and shower was always overwhelming and he’d leave the women’s  apartment right afterwards. It had gotten to the point that sex was just too much trouble.  He didn’t like explaining his actions to the women he’d fucked.  He didn’t like feeling dirty afterwards and he was tired of the long hot showers that left his skin aching and dry. Masturbation had been his only comfort and he made acquiring more property for his family’s empire his primary concern.

The fateful trip to Mexico at his father’s insistence suddenly came to mind.  He hadn’t wanted to go because of the overwhelming sense of foreboding that came over him every time his father talked about the trip.  He had dismissed his apprehension as a byproduct of his condition.  He could do this.  Mexico had clean areas.  He was going to Mexico City.  He would stay in the best hotel there and everything would be fine.

He didn’t understand his feelings about the trip, nor could he articulate them to his father.  After all, they had just been feelings and he’d pushed them aside and got on the plane anyway.  It was a billion dollar deal, several hotels in the resort city of Mexico City were on the market, below their value and his father had insisted that he go down and check it out and make an offer if things looked good.

He’d done just that, finding the deal to be a good one.  Jayden had stayed two weeks in Mexico City to obtain the property and to set the renovations in motion.  By the third week, he came home feeling a cold coming on. 

At first he thought that he’d caught the flu because of his fever and body aches.  He stayed in bed for a week trying to recover.  Then he’d broken out in spots all over his body and had gone to the Emergency Room shaking, but determined to get to the bottom of what was happening to him.

After his initial examination, the doctors had quickly quarantined him and told him that they suspected that he had smallpox.  Upon learning of his condition, Jayden had freaked out resulting in Dr. Hanson being called and he being strapped to his bed. The sores were unbearable and the worse of them were on his stomach and in his nose.  It was several months before he felt like himself again and it was a year later that he’d discovered that he had been rendered sterile by the disease.  There would be no more Winston’s after him.

His parents had been devastated with the news.  It didn’t bother Jayden as much as he thought it would, though he had wanted to be a father one day.  When he was fully recovered, he emerged himself back into the business and tried to push his situation out of his mind.

Karma as they say, is a son of a bitch because when the company’s lawyer had called him informing him that there was a paternity suit against him, he had scoffed in disbelief.  First of all, he always used condoms and he hadn’t had sex in three years. On top of that,   he was sterile with only a ten percent chance of impregnating anybody. 

He had thought it a hoax by some desperate woman who wanted to extract money from him and told Mr. Bean, the company’s lawyer as much and had hung up the phone.  He hadn’t been prepared for the return call an hour later from Bean informing him that in fact the woman was Tamaeya Jackson and that the babies were no longer babies but were nine years old.

The information had hit him hard, the words knocking the breath out of him.  Tamaeya had given birth to not one baby but two, seven months after they’d graduated.  There had been dead silence on the phone as his mind could barely register what Bean had been saying…Her lawyer wanted a meeting to discuss terms…blah blah…paternity test…blah blah…

“I know the babies are mine”  he had snapped interrupting Bean’s spill.

The silence on Bean’s end had lasted a full fifteen seconds.

“Set up a meeting”  Jayden told him and hung up the phone.

Now as he stared out of his office window, Jayden wondered what he was going to say to Tamaeya.  What could he say?  He’d been a complete asshole.  Still, she should have told him about his children, the only children he’d ever have.  Who did they think their father was?  Had she told them about him?  What had she told them?  Fear gripped his insides and he turned back around to his computer.  He reached into his desk drawer pulling out the large container of wipes and began to wipe down his computer,  His fear of germs had grown after the fateful trip to Mexico City and only with the help of the good doctor was he able to have some control over his impulses.  He then wiped off the entire desk and could hear the doctor’s voice telling him to write things down.

The door of his office opened an hour later and his father walked in unannounced.  Jason Winston was a big and burly man whose large blue eyes and wavy snow white hair still caught ladies’ eye.  Though Jayden’ s six foot three frame was taller than his’ father’s six foot frame, Jason was still intimidating. Jayden was a younger version of his father, but while he was slim, his father was a large man.

“Son, I heard from Bean that there’s a lawsuit and you’re caving in before all the facts are known!”  Jason barked at his son.

Jayden sighed.  “Pop, it’s a petition for child support.”

“I know that!  The woman must be crazy!” 

“Pop, more than likely the babies are mine…they’re nine years old.  I dated the woman while in was in college, remember?” 

“Just because the timing is right, does not mean that those babies are yours!”  Jason insisted. “She could have been sleeping around…black girls are notoriously loose, you know.”

Jayden stood up trying to control his temper, throwing the last wipe in the trash. 

“Tamaeya was not loose, Pop!”  he snapped angrily.

“Yet she claims you got her pregnant”  Jason replied indignantly. “She was sexually active!”

“She was my girlfriend”  Jayden said defensively.  “You and Mom were the ones who wanted me to end it and I did.  I didn’t know she was pregnant.”

“You still don’t know for sure if those babies are yours!”  His father said walking into his son’s personal space.  Don’t get all sentimental now just because of the fact that you can’t produce an heir!”

“Those are my babies, I’m sure of it.”  Jayden insisted.

“So you’re just going to claim them and give that woman the world?  Next you’ll be telling me that you want to marry her!  I’m going to be at that meeting just to be sure that you don’t lose your head entirely!”  Jason insisted.

“Pop, I am thirty three years old.  I don’t need a babysitter.”  Jayden said dryly.

“You need someone to have a cool head, son.  This woman is after something-“

“Look, if she was such a gold digger, she wouldn’t have waited ten years!”  Jayden reasoned.  “More than likely she didn’t want anything to do with me and she’s only coming out now because of the children.”

“I’m still going to the meeting”  his father insisted.

“I would rather you didn’t, Pop.  I don’t need my Daddy holding my hand.  I broke up with her at you and Mom’s insistence.  I went to Mexico City because you demanded it. Now I’m telling you in no uncertain terms, ‘butt out!’  This is MY BUSINESS.”

Jason stared at his son.  Rarely did Jayden go against his wishes, but he could see the anger in his eyes and decided not to push too hard.  Jayden had brought up Mexico City which Jason knew was still a sore subject with his son.

“Fine!”  Jason replied walking to the door.“I want a full report tonight.  Your mother is expecting you for dinner.”

Before Jayden could reply, his father walked out the office and slammed the door.

((***))

Tamaeya sat on her bed in the hotel room and looked at the papers that the lawyer handed her the day before. She wished that she hadn’t had to contact Jayden, but she had been laid off of her job and the state of Virginia insisted that she name the father of her children if she wanted to get any help.

Her mother had insisted that she contact Jayden.  After all, the twins were just as much his responsibility as hers.  She looked at her reflection in the mirror.  The meeting had been set up and her lawyer was going to pick her up in less than an hour.

Memories of New Haven flooded her mind once she had arrived. Mr. Long, her lawyer had made all of the arrangements for the meeting and was putting her up in the hotel.  He assured her that all of her expenses would be covered once Jayden was proven to be Jay and Dana’s father.  It seems the Winston Empire was well known and Long and Associates had jumped on the opportunity as soon as they realized who was involved.

Tamaeya folded the papers and put them back in her bag.  She didn’t want Jayden’s money.  She would never have come here if she wasn’t in such a desperate situation.  Her children needed things and she couldn’t depend on her mother forever.  It wasn’t fair to shift the burden to her and she knew it.

Tamaeya hadn’t planned on falling for Jayden Winston.  His reputation preceded him and she had wondered why he was continually showing up wherever she was when she was at the University.  Why did he want to be with her?  He had woo’d her and she found his attention flattering..

At first she had rebuffed his advances, but that only seemed to make Jayden Winston more determined than ever.  Tamaeya had to admit that he was attractive and sexy.  His large green eyes mesmerized her and his voice made her instantly wet.

When he didn’t attempt to kiss her, she wondered if the stories of his escapades she had heard were an exaggeration.  Something about him appeared to her to be shy and vulnerable.  She still remembered the look on his face when she had deliberately kissed him on his lips, holding his face in her hands.  He had seemed surprised and acted as if he’d never been kissed before.  The man was a bag of contradictions.

Tamaeya noticed how often he washed his hands, especially if he was nervous and how he acted as if he didn’t want to touch things in her apartment.  He always seemed more comfortable at his place for some reason.

When he’d taken her to dinner, told her that he loved her and given her the diamond heart necklace that she still wore, she knew that he was the man for her, even with all his quirks.

They had made love the first time at his apartment.  He’d seemed shocked to discover that she was a virgin, and she had finally been able to pry his lips apart and get a kiss like she wanted from him.  Once that happened, it was if a monster that had once been locked away had been unleashed and she wasn’t prepared for the passion that followed.

It was at that point that he’d confessed his fear of germs and told her why he’d never kissed a woman like that before.  Tamaeya reminded him that she could have germs even if she was a virgin, but he’d silenced her with a kiss and made love to her again.  Of course they had to shower immediately afterwards, but she had enjoyed it immensely.

She had been totally unprepared for the break up.  He told her the very day that she had been planning to tell him of her suspected pregnancy.  When he told her that his parents were against their relationship, she saw red.  Wasn’t he a man?  Did everything revolve around money and status?  It bothered her that he didn’t stand up to them and she had walked away from him that day in a huff that day, not wanting to hear any more of his excuses.

She had been determined to raise her children without him.  She didn’t need him or his money.  It was his loss.  She hadn’t been prepared for twins, but luckily she’d been hired at the Jackson Law firm as a paralegal after she graduated. 

She had told the twins that she didn’t know where their father was when they’d asked, which wasn’t entirely a lie, but she knew how to get in touch with him but never did.  She knew it was wrong, but Tamaeya was still hurt from his rejection and hadn’t wanted to face Jayden and tell him that he was a father.

Still, her mother had insisted that it wasn’t about her feelings, but what was best for her children and she had reluctantly agreed.  She’d left the children home in Brunswick while she returned with Mr. Long to New Haven to confront Jayden.

Her phone now buzzed and she saw that it was Mr. Long.

“Are you ready,  Miss Jackson?”  he asked over the phone.

Tamaeya took a deep breath and let it out slowly.  “Yes..I guess Mr. Long.”

“Good”  he replied.  “I’ll pick you up in fifteen minutes.”