CHAPTER 18 PT 2

I stood in front of the toilet, wondering when this lifelong battle would come to a close. The itch was still there, especially after the emotional distress I just experienced with my mother.

Suddenly I counted everything I ate that day and how much of it that I did. I was ashamed and annoyed. Ashamed of wanting to throw up something the less fortunate grappled to have. Yet, I knew I wouldn't feel settled until it was all purged out of me.

But if I didn't purge, I would feel like I had lost as well. This was no win…unless I told myself that it would be okay. I had to learn to deal with my emotions instead of just purging them away with the only true form of control I'd ever known.

The hardest thing was walking away from that toilet and not allowing the feeling of fullness to weigh me down. I was smiling once I was outside, despite the pressing feeling of helplessness. I knew deep down I had done the right thing, and I had to keep reminding myself of that.

I finally found the group again and walked up to Pat to ask her where Henry and Ben were, only for her to pull me aside from Dave, Rhea, Lori, Matt, and Savannah, who were all talking.

"I'm so sorry about what I said earlier. I didn't know that you and Henry were a thing."

I stared at her blankly, not really knowing how to respond. All I knew was that my cheeks were burning in embarrassment. When she mentioned 'a thing' did she mean what we had done last night? How had that news got about so fast? I felt a bit overexposed and rubbed my nape, not really knowing how to tell her politely that what happened between Henry and I was just that, between Henry and I.

"Why didn't you tell me that you two are dating when I was ranting on and on about how cute they look?" she continued on, her elaboration making it clear what she meant by 'a thing'. She must have not heard Lori when she was stating Henry talked about me all the time. She seemed genuine enough but at this point I just didn't know. Women were always getting in my ear once they saw Henry and I together.

"We're not…ummm…" I was starting to get confused. We weren't dating though? We hadn't even talked about it. The last thing we talked about in regards to us on the fence was saying that we wanted to take things slow. Then again when we made love--I mean, had sex--he said he would take care of me. But men said all sorts of things when they were in heat, right?

"You're not?" Pat's brow wrinkled. "We were talking back there and Lori says you two are."

"Well--"

"Oh, Valerie don't act so coy. Henry's a really great guy." She put her arm over my shoulder and directed us back to the small group. "But I understand why you'd want to keep things private. Ever since Ben and his band mates blew up, privacy is a thing of the past. I mean look right over there," Pat pointed to a girl a few feet away, holding her phone up in the direction where Lori and company stood. I couldn't believe what I was seeing.

"They don't only stalk Ben now. They stalk his siblings, parents, friends. Basically anyone they are associated with. It's crazy, really. So I understand you guys wanting to keep things under wraps." She sighed. "And then there's those two." She was eying Matt and Savannah suspiciously, then suddenly looked at me. "You don't work in Hollywood, do you?"

Everything was coming at me so fast. "I--Well, I'm just a software developer so I don't really know all this stuff…"

Pat looked genuinely surprised. "Wow. Probably too smart to hang with us."

I laughed and shook my head. "Not really."

"I have a good feeling about you, and while my instincts are almost always right, don't be surprised if I watch you like a hawk. Henry is like a brother to me so I will watch to make sure he doesn't get hurt or used, him or Ben."

The seriousness on her face told me she wasn't joking.

At the same time, I didn't like being talked to like I was a criminal without any evidence. For all my father's ways, one thing he had taught me, especially after having to deal with being a black man moving up the ranks of a profession that apparently wasn't designed for black men by the system, was that I should never let anyone accuse me of anything I didn't do. And that I should always defend my hard earned work. I may have been a pushover in most things, but when it came to being prejudged in a sense of my character as far as whether I was a good person or not, or my hard work, I didn't let that fly.

"I'm not a criminal so I don't need to be watched like I'm one," I said coolly and was surprised by how much I sounded like my dad. Pat seemed surprised too by my stoic tone.

As a black woman moving through a male-dominated industry, I'd learned to move in silence but that didn't always suffice. Sometimes you had to stand up and be heard. That's what dad taught me. I remember once in middle school this girl accused me of stealing her lunch when I didn't. The feeling was awful and my father forced me to claim my innocence. While I was mad at him for making me defend myself on my own, I do recall he stood behind me.

It was paradoxical and strange how I was confident in certain aspects of my life but extremely weak and insecure in others.

"I don't mean you are a criminal. I just mean that we are very wary of who we let into this circle. There are too many people out to use these boys for their own good."

"I hope your intentions are good with me as well Pat," I told her, not liking the feeling of being run down for simply existing in this environment.

Pat, who was still taken aback to me not cowering in order to be accepted so much by her and her crew, relaxed just a little, with an appraising smile.

"You know what? Maybe I will like you, Val." She said, giving my back an accepting pat. Ironically, my heart was racing and my blood was rushing vastly through my veins. The last time I defended myself like this was at work. Standing as the only woman on a project we were working on, I was hellbent that my ideas and decision would further advance the project and gain us acclaim, though my male-oriented group did not agree. I fought for it and proved them wrong. At least my skill is where I was confident, the only place I'd been allowed to push myself.

As I ruminated over my thoughts, Pat continued, "People try to befriend me just to get closer to them. Isn't that stupid? Like those two fakes over there."

By then we had gotten to the group and I saw that she was referring to Savannah and Matt, who seemed to be excluded from the conversation Lori and Dave were having. When I came back, they talked with me although after what Pat said, I could tell Lori was sizing me up. I felt like a chicken in the midst of a pack of wolves, just waiting for my first misstep. Lori was friendly but still a bit guarded. I never really understood the effect of Ben's fame and how it reached his siblings but I got bits and pieces that day.

"Um, do you know where Henry is?" I asked Lori, even if it killed me to ask.

"He and Ben went to get us some drinks, I think, down over there where those tents are at," Lori explained. After thanking her, I chose then to walk around and clear my mind from what my mother said.

I was walking around the back of the tents to the front, feeling happy when I heard what I knew was Henry's voice. I was about to step out to them excitedly when the subject matter that I accidentally eavesdropped on made me pause.

"So…you brought Savannah and her friend when I've specifically told you to stop hanging around them." That was unmistakably Henry's voice. 

"Here we go…"

"Ben, how many times do I have to tell you--" Henry was interrupted.

"Why can't I just make my own decisions? I'm not a child anymore you know? And why the hell do you think you can come back years later to try and be the big brother you never were when you left?"

It became silent except the other chatter going around, and I swear I heard a kitten meowing.

A large sigh sounded, followed by Ben's voice."I'm sorry I said that. I didn't mean it."

More silence followed.

"Look, today is your birthday. Let's just enjoy it, okay? Matt and Savannah are harmless. They kick themselves in the gut trying to please you all the time," Ben tried to reason.

"Only because I am your brother and they are trying to stick their claws into every facet of your life. Don't your think that's weird? Matt is such a social climber but is disgusting cause he tries to hide it. What does he do anyway really? At least Savannah is honest about hers. They are parasites. At this point you should be able to spot one a mile away."

I felt odd listening in on their conversation, so I began to walk away.

"How do we know Valerie isn't using you?"

I bristled at the sound of my name being in this conversation I felt I shouldn't have been in. It made me stop when I really should have kept on walking away since I had no business meddling in family business. It was quiet for a while and I could feel the shock through the tent.

"You don't even know her," Henry said quietly, warningly. "I know those two and they are just trouble."

"How long have you even known this Valerie? I've known Matt for three years and still you say the same thing. Didn't you just meet Val this year? A few months ago? You probably cut off contact with her like you do ev--"

"Watch it, Ben."

"If this is what your birthday is going to be like then I might as well not be here. I don't want to rain on your parade. So I'll do you a favor and leave with them--"

"Wait. I'm sorry." There was a long pause. "I worry about you. I've always worried about you. I'm sorry I wasn't there much. I regret it every day, but don't for one second think that I wasn't thinking of you guys every step of the way when I was away. All I had was a dream and a pen and the hopes that I could make our living situation better since Dad left. I'm sorry for taking for granted what that must have done to you."

The sorrow in Henry's voice broke my heart and I was shocked by how much I felt for him.

"I'm sorry I said what I said. I'm not ungrateful," Ben said ruefully. "I just feel like we've both worked so hard to have these lives and should enjoy it. We are starting to argue more than we ever have. We never argued. I don't like this.

"And when you keep questioning the people I hang out with, it's like you're implying that I'm too stupid to know who is a good person or not. We're both Mom's children and she taught us the best. I know who my real friends are and who aren't, just know that. Just because you see me around someone doesn't mean I wholeheartedly trust them. I know what I'm doing, trust me. That's all I ask."

A long pause followed. Then, Henry finally spoke.

"I'm sorry, bro. C'mon, let's go get them their drinks, else we won't hear the end of it from Lori."

Before they could see me, I decided to go to another tent to get some drinks for myself and walked about alone for a while, musing over their conversation. As I was walking back to the group,  I came across Henry, whose face immediately lit up when he saw me.  

"Hey, I was looking for you. C'mere."

Pulling me to him by the wrist, Henry kissed me as he wrapped his arms around my waist. The simplest move made me feel grand and so wanted and so beautiful. I could barely look him in the eye as the feelings infiltrated me.

"Henry, I don't do well with public displays of affection," I said despite the smile on his face as I pushed at his chest.

"Well then, get used to it."

His words confused me. What did this mean? I wanted to bring it up but I didn't want to ruin the day.

"You okay?" Henry asked as he combed some strands away from my face, which was probably showcasing a troubled expression.

"Yes, why?"

"You seem guarded, is all."

His words gave me pause, as I hoped I wasn't going to let my mother's words or the things I'd overheard between him and his brother dictate my entire day. Smiling, I wrapped my arms around his shoulders. "I'm not guarded at all. I promise."

My affections seemed to please Henry and he grinned slow before pretending to munch at my neck. It was ticklish and I yelped while trying to get away from him, but his hold around my waist was too strong.

"Okay. First order of business, there's about to be a concert that I think we should both go and watch."

How could I turn that down?

It seemed like when I was around him, everything was okay. I quickly forgot about my mother and stopped worrying about how much I had eaten. I felt so happy around him I forgot again how I may have looked. The small concert we watched was especially fun. Pat stayed behind to watch the kittens, which appeared to be the most exciting task of all for her.

The mini-concert was great but Henry and I ended up leaving a little earlier than everyone else to bid Dave farewell for he had something to attend to. After telling him goodbye, it was just Henry and I and we didn't return to the concert. Ben and his two friends had gone off somewhere and Lori was hanging with Pat as they watched the kittens.

The sun was setting and it was beautiful and we just wanted to be around each other. I enjoyed it thoroughly. I had never enjoyed doing nothing so much with anyone else.

"I keep seeing all this colorful smoke. Where is it coming from?" I asked Henry in reference to the large plumes of different brightly colored smoke rising from the sky, from where the mini-concert occurred.

"Oh that? Smoke flares." Henry explained, getting some from his back pocket. They were handed to us at the beginning of the concert and Henry was the one who kept them.

"Here, have one" Henry handed me one of the smoke signaling flares. I watched with keen eyes as he pulled off the cap from the bright orange one he held. A popping sound ensued and soon baby-blue smoke was floating up from his smoke flare into the sky of a setting sun.

"AHHHH!!!!!!" I screamed in delight at the artistry of the colorful fog, and Henry got a kick out of my reaction.

"Ohhh shit! It's so cool!" I beamed, simply admiring the one he gave to me.

And in that moment, I felt more at home that I could ever adequately describe. I didn't feel judged. I felt safe.
I felt amazed. I felt happy.

"Come on. Use it." Henry urged, then suddenly held his arms out with his head back and yelled out into the sky, "FUCK YEAH!!! I'M THE FUCKING KING OF THIS JUNGLE!"

I burst out laughing at him and his openness. His freedom and willingness to live life in the moment to the fullest as the moment could allow him to. For some reason that moment made me fall for him even harder. I couldn't understand it. I remembered George and how every moment seemed calculated, even the moments that seemed natural.

I glanced down at the smoke flare in my hand. It seemed like such a simple object, so juvenile. Maybe I was making more of it than it was. But when I uncapped the smoke flare, it seemed like I was letting go of so much in my life. I was setting part a constrained part of me free.

With it in my hand I was so jazzed by the pink fluttering up into the sky. My legs began to shift as excitement drove me.

"I don't know I don't know I don't know I'm freaking out! Fuck you Henry!!!!!"

I heard Henry's laughter in the background, and my adrenaline was racing through my veins and all of a sudden I started to scream at the top of my lungs.

"AHHHH FUCK YEAH PHYSICS, CHEMISTRY, MATH SCIENCE ALL OF THE ABOVE" I held out my hands above me, screaming in victory like I'd just climbed the tallest mountain, forcing myself to feel powerful just for those moments. "WOOOOHHHH!!!!"

He was laughing so hard he dropped to his knees, still gripping his stomach, then fell to his side and rolled onto his back.

He exhaled a huge breath and just lay there, looking up while shaking his head. "You've officially gone bonkers."

I too let my legs give and joined him, perpendicular to his body and  resting my head on his stomach and looking at the sky as well while both of our fallen smoke signals emptied. I soon felt Henry's hand in my hair as we watched the blue and pink mingling up into the vermillion sky.

Beautiful was an understatement. There were too many memorable moments in this day for me to contain.

"This has been the best birthday ever," Henry said and I smiled, hoping I had something to do with it.

"I'm glad, but I will still have to get you a gift."

"Don't worry about it."

"Do you share a birthday with your mom?" I asked, realizing I was giving myself away.

"How'd you know?" Henry asked and I explained to him that I heard it from that morning.

We talked lazily in this way for a few minutes and with every word, even if we were talking about the most idiotic thing to our intelligent conversations, I was falling hard and fast with him. Suddenly, I wanted to be alone with him and I wanted us to be intimate again. I couldn't get enough of him and how he made me feel. I never knew having a topic about things so unrelated could make me yearn for this man in ways I never thought humanly possible. 

In silence we enjoyed each other's presence until we heard Lori calling out to Henry. She urged us to go play on the rides before we saw fireworks. And it was so much fun. And so beautiful. It wasn't just Henry I had fun with, but I had fun with all of them. By then Ben had returned to the group and we were all soaked up by the bright night lights of the fair. Purples, blues, pink, yellow, green, this was the most enchanting night I'd ever witnessed in life.

Ben was running his way up through the group terrorizing us, and I only realized this when he got to me and gave me a huge kiss on the cheek. He and Savannah ran up to the line at the wildest roller-coaster in the fair.

Again I felt that sense of youth I'd allowed to get lost when I was little. As they all walked up to the roller-coaster line I stopped for a moment. I admired all the lights and all the smiling and happy faces on this July 4th. Then, I just closed my eyes and tried to embrace this moment when I felt so free and just so calm with myself. I think I could hear the waves from the ocean that wasn't too far off.

It was such a serene moment it almost scared me. A sense of inner peace that I had never quite felt. I was away from trying to find approval from my family and while I enjoyed the positive energy I felt from Henry's family and friends, for some reason that day I just felt liberated enough not to care if they accepted me or not.

In that brief moment, I  also felt proud for not purging up what I ate as a coping mechanism.

I felt strong and just…okay.

Suddenly I felt arms around my shoulders, drawing me closer to a warm, sturdy body behind me. Then I felt his lips on my temple as he hugged me and wrapped his scent around me. I completely let go. I completely gave in to the feeling of letting go.

I completely let my guard do.

Henry Walker.

I let him him.

I just smiled as I placed my hand on his arm as he kissed my cheek.

"Are you going to ride or what?" he said into my ear and I just smiled and placed my hand on his arm.

If I stood there longer taking in this moment, I'd end up bawling like a baby. I couldn't understand what came over me. So I just turned around and took his hand with me. Then, I began walking backwards, pretending I was a seductress as I eyed him with all the desire I felt within me to the marrow of my bone.

"You later, maybe…"

Henry's mouth dropped in genuine surprise. I started laughing and tried to run away from him but he easily caught me and kissed me.

We went on most of the rides. We even got into the bumper cars. We were having so much fun we nearly missed the fireworks.

I felt like a kid again. I felt happy. It may have been wrong. Overthought or mad or unrealistic. But that night I thought I was in love. With what, I don't know. With life. With myself. With this man that had just happened upon my life.

I was in love with everything and every moment.

When we'd all exhausted ourselves of the night, we got ready to watch the fireworks. In fact, we were late. We heard them in the distance and Henry grabbed my hand and started racing to the spot where they could be most viewable.

"Hurry up!" He yelled over the waves and fireworks in the distance. Without argument, I complied and tried to keep up with him. He was following his brother and the rest of the group up towards the fireworks.

We all came to a slow, realizing that we wouldn't be up close and personal to see the fireworks. But where we stopped was close enough for us to view the full display of fireworks. We were instantly taken by the fireworks beaming in the sky. Sparkles upon sparkles, winking until nonexistence but leaving trails of smoke. All kinds of colors filling up the sky and reflecting on us.

Something made me look at Henry, to see him with an appreciative expression as he watched his siblings' expressions as they watched the fireworks. Something in me was so moved that I became teary-eyed. His eyes soon fell to me and he appeared taken aback that I was looking at him. Embarrassed, I quickly looked away and focused on the fireworks. I felt his smile even though I couldn't see it. It was weird, but I did feel it.

He grabbed me and kissed me while the fireworks filled the sky.

After a while, I felt myself being hugged from behind, arms around my shoulders, and held me close while we both enjoyed the fireworks. My hands gripped the jeans behind me, pulling Henry closer. I felt so connected to him, even though I tried to deny it.

People around us cheered and it was just such a light positive moment that I never wanted to end. At some point, Lori handed some of us firework sticks, which were beautiful. 

I was extremely happy and that I wanted this moment to last forever. When it was finally all over, I thought that capped the day well. Henry excused himself to go talk with his siblings, leaving me with Rhea. We were the only ones watching what was left of the fireworks.

"I think you and Harry are good together," she suddenly said, breaking my concentration from the firework stick. She was gazing at her firework stick like she hadn't just said something so profound. When she felt my gaze, she looked my way and smiled, shaking her head at my surprise.

"I'm sorry about Pat, she really didn't know he was dating anyone. I didn't either. We didn't mean any harm."

"It's okay," I murmured. I was about to say we weren't dating but kept mum.

"I think you guys look like you belong together," she continued on, gazing at her firework stick.

"I really like him," I found myself confessing before I even realized it.

"He really likes you too, trust me. It's obvious."

I stared to blush and felt really good. Then I found myself confiding in Rhea a little bit.

"I just don't know where it's going. I don't have much experience with this."

"Try not to think about it too much for now. Just enjoy yourself." I nodded and she continued.

"Even if you enjoy yourself, just don't sell yourself short no matter what happens. I've learned the hard way."

Rhea's words had a very profound effect on me and made me feel good about Henry and I, although I was still confused about where it was going.

Everyone else was off doing their own thing, Pat with the kittens, and Henry with his siblings. Rhea and I ended up checking out some of the rides before she had to leave with Pat. Matt and Savannah were nowhere to be found, and I didn't really feel like hanging around them after what happened last time with Savannah.

Rhea and I exchanged numbers before she left with Pat, who told me Henry was at his truck with his siblings, so I trekked up the small hill with the kittens in tow. The street lights helped me find the truck quickly, and as I neared I heard them all talking.

"You remember the time Mom did this with us?" I heard who I thought was Ben. I stopped when I saw their feet towards the tail end of the truck. On the left side were tattered, off-white Converse shoes. Beside those were Henry's worn boots that looked about to fall apart at any second--he'd clearly walked in them so long. And beside his shoes were neat, doeskin colored loafers, the tidiest and smallest of all the shoes, obviously Lori's.

So this was what he used the mattress for. It warmed my heart and somehow made me fall harder.

"We should call her!" Ben suggested.

"Absolutely not. It's 4 in the morning," Henry said.

"Come on! We barely got to talk to her and it's her birthday," Ben countered.

"It was her birthday. It's no longer July 4th over there," Lori pointed out.

They were silent a while.

"It's been so long since we've all been here together like this. We used to all be so close," Lori pointed out quietly.

"We're still close…" Henry said, and soon the topic went back to reminiscing on their childhood, how even if they didn't have much they always had each other. I smiled and decided to give them the privacy they were searching for and sat on one of the benches by the parking lot.

While I sat playing with the kittens in their basket, I received a text. Henry asked where I was and when I told him I was close by and that he didn't have to come and get me, I went to meet them at the car.

I said goodbye to Lori and Ben, who wouldn't let go of hugging me until Henry pried him off. Lori told me it was nice meeting me and seemed genuine enough. Ben parted, still calling me by the nickname he gave me, and had to evade Henry putting him in a headlock because he wasn't having it.

"Don't forget, you have to feed them. They are still kittens you know. There is a cooler in that basket and they need their milk."

Disdain began to mar Henry's otherwise happy features and I couldn't help giggling at him. He shot his eyes at me and his features began to soften, though he tried to keep them unpleasant.

"What are you laughing at, Peaches? This is all your fault."

My laughs came to a screeching halt and Henry seemed to enjoy this. I played right along and stepped up to him. "What did I do?"

Henry quickly stepped up to me, making me squawk as I stumbled backwards as he playfully berated me.

"If you stayed home and took care of our kids like you were supposed to, we wouldn't have this wannabe social worker trying to tell us how to feed our kids."

I pushed at his chest and Henry's eyes lit up when I touched him, but I exerted more effort in my push till he stumbled backwards.

"Well, Apples, maybe if you didn't work so much we wouldn't be having these issues!" I shot back and Henry bit his lip as he eyed me with hungrily.  "You're so sexy when you're mad. Let's make up."

Unable to keep a straight face with him, laughter flew out of me easily which I tried to conceal with my hand. Henry was all over me, trying to kiss me all over my face and nipped at my knuckles to move my hand from my lips so that he could kiss me there.

"You guys are disgusting," Lori said laughingly as she handed Henry the kitten I think was called Peaches. Then she handed him a tiny, chilled bottle she'd retrieved from the ice box. "Here, this is how you should feed them."

"Now?" Henry damn near cried as he held the tiny, struggling kitten in one large hand.

"Yes now." She pushed the tiny bottle in his free hand. "I want to make sure you are doing it right."

Henry looked like he was about to bite Lori's head off. "Why would you give me kittens in the first place? They don't fit into my lifestyle."

Henry's comment made me uncomfortable, but I tried not to think too hard into it.

"I explained why earlier. You should have no problem since you bought a house here to settle down, right?  Anyway it was nice seeing you all. I'm tired so, I'm going to look for Ben and head out. Good night."

With that said I was standing before Henry as he fed the kitten milk. With its tiny paws, it grabbed the nipple of the bottle and sucked hungrily on it, settling comfortably in Henry's hand. Taking a seat at the edge of the truck, Henry thought it better for him to re-settle the protesting kitten into his breast pocket. The fitful kitten was quickly put at ease when Henry fed it the bottle once again, and he was so geeked off of it he looked like a kid at Christmas.

"You are a weird one," I said as I leaned by the side of the truck and watched him.

"Uh, I'm not going to sit at home and take care of the kids myself, woman. Get to feeding Apples, Peaches," Henry suggested, serious as all get out. I rolled my eyes at him but joined him nontheless, settling further up into the truck. With my legs crossed, I fed the other kitten.

"What a nice way to cap off my birthday. Feeding some kittens."

"Will you shut up about these kittens? You know you love them. I don't know why you named them after me and you. Do you know how confusing that's going to be from here on out?"

Henry simply smiled. He was sitting with his profile facing me now.

"Had you planned on doing anything else?"

"I was supposed to go meet up with some friends at a club down town."

I could feel myself frowning; watching Henry as he casually said the words while looking down at Peaches. I wanted to spend more time with him, but couldn't blame him for wanting a break. We had been around each other nonstop for hours and I did have other things to attend to.

"Soon as we get these suckers in bed, I wanted to show you something," Henry said, disrupting the silence. When we were done feeding them, we tucked them in their basket and rode with them in the truck. They were obviously scared by all the vast happenings of the day, but they seemed pretty comfortable in Henry's truck. We drove without any music, which was preferable, because we could still hear the distant fireworks which sounded better than any song at the moment.

We let the windows down and drove further and further away from the city to mountainous regions. Occasionally we would share glances and smiles, asking 'what?' and not being able to come up with an answer.

As we drove down the vast roads, we could see the last bursts of fireworks in the distance, and they were even more brilliant the blacker the sky became as we moved further away from the city.

Finally, Henry parked the truck next to a cliff. The view from where we were was breathtaking. We seemed to be above the few clouds available rolling over the many city lights down below. With the intermittent fireworks, it was one of the most breathtaking images I'd ever seen. He instructed us to get back out and we left the kittens sound asleep in the front of the truck, on top of the cushiony blankets Lori had kindly given Henry.

In the back of the truck, we lay on the mattress, the blanket pushed aside, and looked up at the stars against the blackened sky. The sky would occasionally be disrupted by some lone, random, colorful fireworks. The last ones standing.

"You have a beautiful family," I commented thoughtfully.

"This is what we used to do in my Dad's old truck. Put a mattress in the back and just watch the stars every night. It was like this before I moved."

There was a hollowness in his voice towards at the end of his comment.

"Moving must have been hard, wasn't it?" I asked quietly as I watched his profile. He seemed surprised by my comment, but didn't really respond. Feeling I had hit a nerve, I left the subject alone. We continued to stare up at the sky a bit longer.

"You know my brother said something to me today, and it's crazy how things come full circle, you know? How history repeats itself as well."

Him divulging this to me was a surprise. Turning to my side, I tucked my folded arm under my ear and listened intently to him as he continued.

"I remember after being in this industry and at a young age too, I wanted to protect him so fiercely from it. Every time he showed interest in it, I got uncomfortable because I didn't want him to get swept up by it. I wanted him to know that it was okay to have what most would call a regular job and still be happy. But I think the love for entertainment and music just runs in the men's blood in this family. I couldn't stop him.

"It scared me shitless. The things I had seen, I didn't want that for him. Sometimes I still don't. And he's so young. The success has come a little too fast. He's such a people person and everyone is pulling him in all directions. He's a people pleasure too much like me and I've had to learn the hard way how to set boundaries and say no."

"You will have to let him learn the hard way himself. Sometimes that's what it takes," I told him and he turned to look at me in surprise, his eyes a darker color but still gleaming. His features, dim from the night, were solemn and thoughtful.

"You're not a bad brother because he will have to learn some life lessons on his own," I continued on from my observations. Henry was still such a dotting brother to his siblings.

He smiled weakly at me, and then glanced back up to the skies.

"You know I think he still resents me for not being there majority of the time when he was growing up. We are still close and will always be close but even though he says he understands I think he still regrets those years we missed together. I was supposed to be there because my father wasn't."

He sighed heavily and I frowned, reaching out tentatively to touch the side of his face. When Henry closed his eyes in what seemed like calm moved his head towards my hands and kissed my knuckles, I knew he appreciated my touch. His kiss sent a rush through me.

"I was homeless for sometime when I was a teenager," he said suddenly, grasping my attention even more than he had before.