Evangeline returned home after a grueling day at work wanting nothing else to do but take a shower, get a bite to eat and relax with a glass of wine while reading a good book.  After her meal she sat on her sofa with her glass of wine and sorted through the mail.  In her mail she had a pleasant surprise, a letter from Nora.  Although it was a pleasant surprise it was also a puzzle to her because she spoke with Nora two days ago and Nora did not mention that she had sent a letter to Evangeline.  Evangeline sat her glass on the end table and opened the letter. Inside the envelope was another envelope with her name on it.  She frowned and wondered, ‘what is this?’  Then she felt the hair on the back of her neck tingle because at that moment she recognized the handwriting, it was John’s handwriting.  She threw the letter on the sofa, stood and starting pacing and talking to herself. 

What is this? I can’t take this.  John is in my past, not my present and definitely not my future.  Why is he doing this to me and why did Nora help him?  I don’t want to read it.  I won’t read it.  I will tear it up and throw it away without reading it, like he did do me. He tore me up so bad.  He threw me away like last night’s garbage. He threw me away without reading me, without understanding me, without needing me, without loving me.  Why should I listen to anything he has to say?  I told him what I wanted him to know the last time that I saw him,‘I don’t want to be your friend.  Every time I see you I see your betrayal.I told you once, what I need is someone who will love me in return.  You are not that man and you can’t be for anyone until you love yourself.’

Wait, I can do this.  It’s only a letter.  If I sent a letter to him I would want him to read it. It can’t hurt anything. It’s only words.  He’s probably writing to tell me that he’s getting married to his ‘luv’ and didn’t want me to hear it from anyone else, as if I would care what he did.  Okay, okay let me read it and be done with it and him.  I opened the letter and began to read it.  So many different feelings overwhelmed me as I read John expressing his pain through the years.

‘I was ten years old. I wanted to cry but I couldn’t.  I had to be strong for my mother and Michael.  I kept my pain inside and as the years passed by it just became a habit not to feel pain.’

‘If you go around in the dark long enough you get used to it so that when you do see light it hurts your eyes.  I decided to stay in that darkness and not feel that hurt again.’

‘My handling of all these things was based on a decision made when I was ten years old.’

I grabbed my throw pillow to hold onto something to keep me anchored. The welling of hurt inside me had to release, the hurt that I felt for John, the hurt for the ten year old boy who took the weight of the world upon his shoulder and the hurt of the grown man who still carried that weight.  I wept. The weeping turning into crying and then,

‘You were right to leave me.  I would have only pulled you into the darkness with me.’

The crying ended in wailing.  Oh my John, poor John.  I couldn’t continue reading.  I placed the letter on the end table and hugged myself and cried.  I cried for John, I cried me for me, and I cried for us.  With all those things boiling inside of him there was no way he could fully commit to anyone.  It wasn’t about me.  It wasn’t about not wanting me or loving me it was about the horror of his losses and he dealt with them as he saw fit.  I’m glad that he finally continued his therapy with Dr. Crosby.

Okay let me gather myself and calm down.  I took a deep breath, drank a bit of wine, picked up the letter and continued to read.

‘When I last spoke with you and you told me that you didn’t want to be my friend I decided then and there to leave this darkness behind.  I have been in therapy since then.  I am now in the light.  I too am leaving Llanview.’

What, what, John is leaving Llanview!  No one told me that he was leaving.  Wait, how could anyone tell me?  I told both Nora and Todd that I didn’t want to hear anything about anyone there in Llanview and they knew that especially meant John. Well good for him, he’s leaving. I don’t need to know where he is I just hope and pray that he is well.

‘Wherever you are and wherever you go just know that I, John McBain love Evangeline Williamson with all of my heart.’

Wait, wait, wait, what?  I missed something here.  How did he jump from ‘leaving Llanview’ to ‘I love you Evangeline’.  I must have skipped over something.

‘Maybe one day we will see each other again and when we do, if you’re not married already, I will ask you to marry me after I tell you that I love you Evangeline.  I love you more than you will ever know.  That night when I told you that you saved me, I meant it.  You saved me from myself.’

No, John, don’t do this to me.  I left you in the past.  Don’t do this to me.  Is this real?  Is this a joke? It looks like his handwriting. No, John wouldn’t be that cruel.  It must be real then. Oh my, what do I do now?  What do I do now?  Nothing, I will do nothing.  If it’s real then he will find me and we will see what happens then.  I will not wait for him again.  I will get on with my life.  

As a matter of fact I will go on that blind date set up by my friend Brenda.  It’s a week away because the guy is out of the country until then.  It’s not like I will meet my ‘prince charming’ on a blind date. That’s only in fairytales.

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John settled into his new job and enjoyed it immensely.  He thought for a moment about his letter to Evangeline.  ‘What did she think of it?  Will she contact me?’  No he thought.  She’s done with me plus no one knows where I am except Bo and I asked him not to tell anyone, even Nora, where I was until six months had passed.  

I’m glad to be back in the states.  I had to go out of the country to interview several witnesses from some of our cases.  That’s how it goes.  Since we work on closed cases and years have passed since they were active, witnesses have moved, changed names or died.  But my team is great and when we finally identify the perpetrator we all feel a sense of hard fought victory for the family of the victim. 

Now I have to get ready for that blind date set up by the wife of one of my crew.  She thinks that I spend too much time alone and that I need someone in my life.  I would love to have someone in my life but that someone doesn’t want me.  Evangeline.  Well it won’t hurt to go out and meet people. I do have to get on with my life.

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Evangeline goes on her blind date.  The date started out well. They had some things in common.  He liked ballet and opera as much as she did.  They then started talking about football and she interjected that she knew about holding and encroachment.  He cut her off and said “Good to see you have read a bit but I don’t think women can fully understand all of the intricacies of the sport.” Evangeline did not want to appear rude and didn’t want to say anything unkind.  Evangeline stopped took a deep breath called the waiter for the check, paid the check and said to her date, “I may not understand all the intricacies of the sport but I do know not to be rude to someone when they are trying to show interest in what you are saying. I will say both goodnight and goodbye to you Peter.  We will not meet again if I can in any way avoid it.”  With that said, she rose from the table, exited the restaurant, caught a cab and went home. She thought, ‘I won’t do that again.’

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John goes on his blind date.  The date started out well until every ten minutes her phone rang and instead of silencing it she answered and carried on a conversation with several different people during the entire meal.  After the meal ended, John called for the check, paid it and said to his date, “Thank you for sharing a meal with me.  We won’t see each other again.  Goodbye.” John left and returned home. He thought, ‘I won’t do that again.’

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Evangeline had to attend a panel discussion at Georgetown University Law School.  Mr. Blazevitch was scheduled to participate but a family emergency prevented his attendance and he asked Evangeline to sit in for him.  He told her that she could handle it and she agreed to fill in for him.  She gathered her materials and arrive at the venue early enough to make certain that she had all that she needed.  She had the opportunity before the beginning of the session to speak with some of the other panelists and to talk with many of those who had registered for the session. 

The session was not only open to Georgetown students but many governmental agencies sent staff to participate to earn CEUs (Continuing Education Units).   The panelists represented many areas of law from attorneys and law enforcement officers from the local, state, and federal levels. 

The session went well and the panelists were great.  The audience asked many thought provoking questions.  The session was breaking for lunch.  I gathered my materials.  I was only attending the morning session.  Someone else from another division in the firm would handle the afternoon session.  I approached the rear of the room to exit and bumped into someone who was entering the room.  I looked up into the crystal blue eyes I would know anywhere, John McBain. John looked at Evangeline and couldn’t believe that she was here, actually here standing in from of him.

“I love you Evangeline.  Will you marry me?” I said to her.  I would not wait a moment longer without telling her what I vowed in my letter to say to her if next we met.

Evangeline looked at me in shock, shook her head and fainted straight away.  I caught her before she hit the floor.  People rushed to us and I told them that she was just light-headed because she hadn’t eaten.  A nurse there took her pulse and determined that she was fine and told me to make sure that I fed her.  I told her that I would take care of Evangeline.  No truer words were said.  I would take care of Evangeline for the rest of my life if she gave me the chance.

I came to and found myself lying on a sofa in someone’s office. I turned my head and there sat John McBain.  He looked at me and smiled.  

“Evangeline are you okay?”

“John, what did you say?” 

“I asked if you are okay?”

“No, not that, before.  Before I passed out. What did you say?”

I took her, looked her in the eyes and said, “I love you Evangeline.  Will you marry me?”

Evangeline looked at him, looked around the office, then looked back at John and said, “Are you crazy?  Did I hit my head? Am I hallucinating?  Are you really here?  Where are we anyway?

I shook my head and smiled and said, “You fainted.  A nurse checked you.  You are okay. One of the staff persons offered their office for you to recover. No I am not crazy.  Yes I do love you.  Yes I want to marry you.  No you did not hit your head.  I caught you before you hit the floor.  You are not hallucinating.”  And then he pinched her to prove to her that she was awake and not hallucinating.

“You pinched me!” she said as she pinched him back.

“Are you ready for lunch?  The nurse told me to feed you.”  John said as he helped her to her feet. 

“Why are you here John?  I read your letter. Did you track me down?  Are you here for me, really?”

John hesitated a moment and pondered how he would answer that question.  If he said ‘no’ that he wasn’t here for her she would think that he really did not want her. He couldn’t lie to her so he said, “I’m here because I’m supposed to be here.  It doesn’t matter the how it only matters that now we two are here together.  What we do with that is left to us.  I want you Evangeline.  I want you as my wife and the mother of my children.  I will do whatever you ask me to do to make that a reality. If you want me to court you and woo you I will do that.  What I won’t do is live without you.  That is not an option.  I don’t see a ring so I will hope that you are not married.  I won’t assume anything.  Now with that said, we need to give the office back to the staff.  They have been very kind and patient with their time.  I will go wherever you want for us to continue this conversation. I will arrange or rearrange my schedule to accommodate you.  Just tell me what you want me to do.”

I wanted so much to rebel and say no I don’t want you in my life but I watched him as he spoke and I saw the truth of his words.  I want him.  I want him so much.  So I decided to just do it.  Just ‘relax, relate, and release’. 

“John we do need to talk.  There’s a nice coffee house a block away.  How about we go there and continue this conversation?”

“Sounds like a plan to me, lead the way.”