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Not Without A Fight

Chapter 8              Therapy

I sit and tell Dr. Crosby everything that has happened between Evangeline and me.  By the end of my ‘spilling my guts’ I asked Dr. Crosby what should I do. He says that he’s impressed with my divulging all of that to him.  He advised intense therapy as soon as possible and suggested a center nearby where I can receive 24-hour care.  He says that this piece meal therapy that I now have would take mat a year for them to make any headway and that will be a year lost with his son. I agree with his assessment and ask that he handle the paperwork for my job.  He readily agreed and I am to leave tomorrow.  This works out well. It will give me time to heal and will give Evangeline some breathing room from me threatening legal action in order to gain shared custody of our son.  Dr. Crosby is the one who pointed out to me that Evangeline can present a valid case that I am not currently fit to be around a child. I had not considered that but now that I have agreed to the intensive therapy that will be a moot point. 

Mrs. Williamson gave me her number before she left last night and so I call her.  She’s in Evangeline’s apartment helping with the baby.  I ask if she can go to a room where she can talk privately and she does.  I tell her about my going away for the therapy and that it will last for 3 months.  I ask her that in that time if she can some way get Evangeline to consider allowing me to visit with my son once I return.  She said that she would.  I feel better about things now.  I leave Dr. Crosby’s office after he has signed off on the paperwork for my leave from work for the therapy.  I go home to pack for my trip to the center.

Morning comes and I take a taxi to the treatment center.  I check in and get settled in my room for the next three months.  I will do this for me and for my son and in a way for Evangeline too.  

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Mom tells me about her conversation with John.  I am surprised but pleased.  He’s finally going to be serious about therapy.  I don’t care if he’s doing it for Peter I’m just glad that he’s doing it.  Even though it surprised me that my mother went to talk with John I am glad that she did.  It has helped a great deal.  With him away for three months that gives me time to clean up this mess that I have made.  In a way I did all of this to punish John for not loving me but it didn’t solve anything.  I love my child and I can’t keep him from his father just because his father didn’t fall in love with me.  I know what I have to do and I will make this right.

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The three months pass quickly and I feel like I went through h*** during this therapy.  I realize that my childhood trauma of losing my dad and then the horror of losing Caitlin scarred me so deeply that it totally skewed my idea of what love is.  Love is not taking responsibility for someone because of something that you did to put him or her in a bad situation.  Love is not running to someone’s rescue because you feel responsible for him or her.  I realize that I am not in love with Natalie.  I feel responsible for Natalie because of the fiasco of the FBI sting. What surprised me the most to realize during the therapy was that I really did love Evangeline but it was so mired in all of the other junk in my psyche that I did not see it or recognize it for what it was.  How is that for irony?  After all of this time I had the love that I didn’t think that I would ever have again and I blew it.  I blew it totally.  Now Evangeline will never believe me if I tell her now that I loved her all along.  I wouldn’t believe myself if someone told me.

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Peter has grown so much in three months.  When I look at him I see his father.  That’s the hard part so see every day the image of the man to whom I gave my heart but it was returned to me shattered.  But you know what I am better for it.  I am stronger and I have learned to love myself again.  After breaking up with John I second-guessed myself because I couldn’t figure how I was so wrong about him.  But he is who he is and I am who I am and that’s all right.  We can be separate and still raise our son together.  We will co-parent.  I can do that.  What I can’t do is have Natalie Buchanan anywhere near my child. That I will not allow.  John will need to arrange to see and spend time with Peter but Natalie must not be present.  If he can’t abide by those rules then too bad.  I will not budge on that. 

My mother finally went home last week and I am back at work and Peter is in the daycare downstairs in the building.  This works well for me.  I can still work and take breaks and go downstairs and nurse Peter. He’s such a happy baby. Everybody in the daycare loves him.

In the three months that John has been in therapy I had the restraining orders cancelled and the parental rights waiver rescinded. I allowed the results from the ‘illegal’ paternity to be used as evidence that John is Peter’s father and John is now on record as his legal father.  I know that John comes home soon but I won’t contact him. If he’s serious about being a part of Peter’s life he will contact me.

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I can’t wait to get home.  I will see my son for the first time.  I haven’t spoken with Evangeline yet and I need to call here to arrange a time to meet.  By the time I arrive at my apartment Michael is there waiting for me. He tells me that the restraining orders were cancelled and that the paternity test results were used to have me declared the legal father of Evangeline’s son.  I ask Michael not to tell me the name of the baby. I remember that Mrs. Williamson made every effort not to tell me the baby’s name and I appreciate that now that I think about it.  I want Evangeline to tell me the name of our son.  Michael comes in to my apartment with me and sits for a while. I decide to call Evangeline. She says that she can meet me now if I’m available.  I tell her that I just made it home but that I will come over as soon as I can shower and change.  She agrees.

I am nervous standing at her door.  The hour has finally arrived and I will see my son.  I knock on the door and Evangeline opens it and invites me in.  I sit on the sofa and she asks how I am.

“I’m doing much better Evangeline.  The therapy helped me a great deal to uncover some things about myself that hindered me from being whole.  You know about my father and Caitlin but there were other things too. I’m glad to say that I have rid myself of all of that garbage that kept me shackled.  But that’s not why I’m here now.  I thank you for canceling the restraining orders and for having me legally declared of the father of our son.  There are some…”

“John before you continue let me do this first.  I know that you came here to see your son and I don’t want to delay that. I will go and get him.”

She goes to her bedroom and I go to her kitchen to wash my hands. By the time that I return to the living room Evangeline comes in with the baby in her arms.  She sits next to me and hands the baby to me.

“John say hello to your son Peter McBain”

I sit and look at my son for the first time and when she says that his name is Peter ‘McBain’ my heart leaps for joy.  I thought that she was going to say Williamson.  When she said his name his eyes opened and he looked straight at me.  I saw the most beautiful eyes, blue like mine.  I kissed him on his forehead and he cooed.  I was so overjoyed I didn’t know what to do.

“Thank you Evangeline.  He is perfect. I’m so sorry that I wasn’t there for you and Peter.”

“John let’s not talk about that right now.  Just sit and enjoy you son.  He will want to eat soon and since I’m still nursing him I will have to prepare a bottle of breast milk so that you can feed him. Hold him while I go the kitchen and get the bottle ready.”

Evangeline goes to the kitchen and I sit and hold Peter. I am totally mesmerized by this little boy.  My son, our son a product of our love.  Wow.  Evangeline returns with the bottle and I feed Peter.  This just feels so right to me.  Evangeline, Peter and I are a family.  That is what I want.  Why has it taken me so long to realize that?  I have been blind but now I see.  But if I tell Evangeline that now she will think that I only want to be with her because of Peter.  In a way I do but that is not the whole story.  But you know what I don’t have anything to lose so I will tell her anyway.

“Evangeline may I say something to you?”

“Sure John what do you want to say?”

“Before you came in with Peter I was telling you about my therapy.  Before you tell me that we can wait to talk about that just let me say this much.  During my therapy I realized something that I should have known long ago.”

“What is that John?”

“I love you Evangeline.  I didn’t realize it when we were together but I do now.  Months ago when I told you that what I felt for you was so real it was the truth.  Although I didn’t know at the time what that ‘real’ was I do now.  I’m not saying this because we have a child together.  I’m saying it because it true.”

“But John if we didn’t have Peter you would not say these things to me.”

“Evangeline I’ve always more than liked you and I didn’t want our relationship to end in the first place if you remember.  But that’s in the past and neither of us can change what happened in the past nor would I want to because we created Peter in the past and now we have him in our present and in our future.  That’s what I want with you Evangeline, a present and a future.  I know that I have a lot of ‘heavy lifting’ to do and I am ready for that.  Just take a chance on me Evangeline.  If I know that there’s a chance I will stick with you forever.”

I wonder if Evangeline remembers that she said that to me over a year ago.  

“John I do remember saying those exact words to you over a year ago.  Are you serious John?  It won’t be easy for you because I won’t just give my heart to you again.  You have to earn my love.  I won’t tell you how to earn it.  You have to figure that out for yourself.”

“Does that mean that you will give me another chance?”

“John I had already decided to work with you to parent Peter whether or not we had a relationship.  Since you want to talk about this I do have one condition and that condition is not negotiable. I don’t want Natalie Buchanan anywhere near our child.  If you remain in a relationship with Natalie you must make certain that when you have Peter that Natalie is nowhere around.  I don’t want her touching my child. I don’t even want her breathing on my child.  Do you understand?”

“I understand Evangeline.  I am no longer with Natalie.  That relationship was not healthy for me or for her.  I told her that my main focus now is my son, excuse me, our son.  I will do whatever I have to do to ensure his wellbeing.”

“It’s good to hear that Peter is now your main focus John.  I appreciate that.  With that in mind I believe that we can come to some type of accommodation as it relates to your time with Peter.  Since you are his father you should have regular scheduled time with him so that he can get to know you.  I have him in daycare at my job during my workday.  I know that you don’t have a daycare center at the police station but I can arrange for you to have permission to pick up Peter from daycare and take him home with you some evenings and then you can take him to daycare the following morning.”

“He’s a little to young to do all of that back and forth but I appreciate the offer. How about I pick him up on Saturdays and have him for the day and then bring him back home on Sunday. Perhaps the three of us can spend time together after church Sunday afternoon.  We won’t do this right away.  Peter has to get used to me so for now why don’t I stop by after work on a few evenings and sit with him and maybe bathe him and put him to bed and after we’ve done that for a few weeks then I can take him on a Saturday.”

“That sounds like a good plan John.  You’re really into this aren’t you?  That sounds better than what I thought of as a matter of fact. This is all new to me and I am slowly learning my way.  But it looks like we can make this work.  Now you know to burp him since he’s finished the bottle right?”

“Yes I do thank you Ms. Williamson.”

“Glad to be of assistance Mr. McBain.”

“By the way thank you for giving him my last name.  You surprised me when you said his name is Peter McBain.  Why did you do that when you didn’t have to? I could have been the legal father and he could still have the last name of Williamson.”

“It was only right John.  You are Peter’s father and he should have your last name.  That’s all there is to it.  It’s his bath time and bedtime.  Do you want to help me with him since you’re here?”

“I would love to help you get him ready for bed.  Thanks for the offer.  What do I do first?”

“Come on I will show you.”

And she does show me what to do and we work as a team to bathe him and then she allows me to read a story to him as he falls asleep.  I feel so blessed to have this time with my son and with Evangeline.  I don’t want to go too fast with her in trying to get back into her good graces. I have to take small steps. I ask her if I can bring dinner for her tomorrow night and spend time with her and Peter.  She says that she has plans for tomorrow and I am disappointed.  But she adds that I can bring dinner the day after tomorrow and on Saturday we can go to the park for a picnic.  It will do the baby good to have the fresh air after being cooped up inside all during the week. I am ecstatic and can barely contain my enthusiasm.